boys and girls diet time is here that's right we're talking about the new kids a movie you might not have ever heard of before on kill by kill Well, greetings and salutations, Internet. It's your old pal, Patrick Hamilton, coming to you once again from Santa's playground in Florida somewhere. This is the Kill by Kill podcast.
where we are dedicated to celebrating the least discussed component of any horror film, the characters. And we're going to unpack all the gorious details of 1985's The New Kids in the hopes... that a teen bully's untimely end is just the beginning of the jokes we might make at their expense. And as always, there's only one person I trust that this morning will get to work with live ammo. The one, the only...
Gina Radcliffe. How are you doing today, Gina? You've got to bear with me. I'm walking around with this bowl of freshly killed animals blood. Right. That I am using to train dogs and my... my dog fighting ring i think this is our only dog fighting ring related movie in eight and a half years yeah yeah i count myself lucky in that response i i just we have to explain
why on god's green earth because when i when i've mentioned the new kids when i put up a like here's what we're gonna do in december post online people are like what is this art from what is what is this Lori Loughlin movie? I'm like, it's the new kids. It's Sean S Cunningham's, the new kids. And people digitally are like, that's a movie. Well, yeah.
Like me, and I have seen this. I didn't remember anything about it. Why would you? But I'm sure that I have seen it. When you think of a movie from 1985 with Jane Spader. Having to do with a new kid dealing with bullies, your initial thought will go to tough turf. a movie movie, a fun time with people who will eventually become big stars in Hollywood. And I will tell you right now, way better costumed.
And the new kids. And it's a rarity because you will see James Bader playing a good guy. Right. Which is something he would go on to not do for the next 20 to 30 years of his career. Yes, it is odd that at this point in his career, he gets two movies in a row that deal with bullies. And he plays good, you know, the bullied first. And then the bullier second. And the bullier...
is his worst performance. Yeah, he's got these crazy Bond villain bleached eyebrows. He cannot wait to create an earthquake to sink Silicon Valley into the ground. so he can take over the computer chip market. They are doing most of the heavy lifting in this movie and trying to... you know, make him look and act sinister. And I will say for the record, almost no one in the movie looks like they have been doing heavy lifting. It is a slight cast for the most part. Yeah. Usually.
In the past few years, we've attempted at the very least to make sure that on a Friday the 13th, because we started as a Friday the 13th podcast, that we have some kind of Friday the 13th thing going on. And last time we did this whole poster draft that, you know, did very, very well. And I think it was a really fun time. And I think people enjoyed themselves listening to it by all accounts.
And I was struggling to come up with what to do for the second Friday the 13th of 2024. And I finally broke down. Well, we haven't covered another Sean S. Cunningham movie. The reason many people have not heard of this film is because no one should want to. Sean S. Cunningham kind of sucks. Yeah, this is the phrase that Patrick and I... continued using in our online discussion about this is it is barely a movie. Like, legally, it qualifies as a movie. It's a little over 90 minutes long. It is
shot on a screen. There are human beings who presumably were paid. It was recorded at 24 frames per second to give the illusion of movement. You know, all your basic film needs. It's probably still some minor theatrical release. Yeah. But if you did see this in the end, you probably saw it. Cable because this is one of those movies that were picked up for you know
$20 and a carton of Marlboros. This is part of a package that Columbia Pictures had that said, please display this anywhere. Pay us nothing. We just need it to be out there. It is basically like... Y'all like seeing teenagers beat the shit out of each other? Well, here you go. And that is the thing about this that I find almost the most egregious is that...
in a gold and I, and I will give you, I went off doing notes for this because the plot is almost non-fucking existent. Like when I watched this movie and took notes on it, I had like, a paragraph or two and i'm like jesus christ what the fuck are we going to talk about and i'm like The ideas behind the making of this movie and how it misses are way more important than the movie it actually is. And then we'll get to the characters who die and talk about them in the order in which they did die.
we'll have some fun with that. But first we got to have some fucking vegetables when it comes to this complete nothing burger of a motion picture. Okay. So. The first iteration of The New Kids was penned by Southern novelist Terry Crews, who's not nobody. Terry Crews is a real somebody, and he hated the finished product. So much he demanded his name be taken off the credits, Gina. Didn't he want to do a... An Alan Smithy? A Smithy. That is reserved for directors, unfortunately. Oh, okay.
He's just like, listen, I got the money and everything, but I don't want my name associated with this end product. And so the two screenwriters who are credited actually end... end up having very different ideas of what they want this movie to be. And in my personal opinion, and I'm going to be a little cruel to Mr. Cunningham today.
He is neither clever nor skilled enough to weave those two halves into a cohesive whole. I'm curious as to what these two differing ideas were, because I... I would say that in doing a little you know sometimes after I watch these old movies I like to try to dig up a few you know, reviews, you know, from a contemporary perspective. Sure, yeah. You know, to see if other people feel about the same way I do. And I found a rather lazy essay about it, about a film blog. And...
It went into how it was basically about wealthy kids threatening poor kids. And I'm like, what in the fuck are you talking about? That's not what's happening in this movie. Did AI generate this article? Yeah. Or did someone watch it with the sound off and like, I think I can pick up on what this is. Who are the poor kids that you're talking about here? Right. Well, obviously. you know, Dutra and his band of ne'er-do-wells are projected as both having money from their nefarious side gigs and...
Then you have the poor kids who have been kicked out of the army because their dad and mom got killed in a car accident. And the military is like, fuck you. They landed their uncle's place in Florida and he is terrible with money. Let's just, let's put that out there. Uncle Charlie kind of sucks. I mean, there's a lot in this movie I did not buy. Right. And I don't buy that.
Uncle Charlie would have been able to adopt them or be their foster parents or whatever, just because he wanted to. Right. I mean, I guess he's family, and so he would have top priority over some other colonel in the... army i suppose and to you know to the movie's credit lauren and abby are two leads and i put that in deck fingers do choose
Uncle Charlie. They make the active choice to like, no, we should go with family rather than move to Arizona with this guy who's through gritted teeth said, oh, I think we might have a bedroom for you. It's not a big pitch he makes. So when they do end up in Florida, they have made an active choice here. It will be one of the few active choices they make for the rest of the movie as they're just inundated with problems after that. So.
In terms of where this comes in at the bully cinematic universe, right? So... This is a pretty well-worn groove that the movie's trying to fit into. You start in the mid-50s with, like, teen ruffian flicks like Rebel Without a Cause and Blackboard Jungle. Now, these have more to do with, like... Like, you know, ne'er-do-wells who don't fit into the sort of prep track. You know, these are bad kids doing bad things sort of things. But that bully... must be defeated. And as a result,
They find weirder and wilder ways, and it really kicks off, I think, in the 60s when you have, like, Jack from Lord of the Flies. That's a really grounded example. Or you have Schlock, like Village of the Giants, which makes the... bullies truly larger than life. Perhaps one day we will run out of horror movies and talk about village of the giants. I'm just thinking about how the scene about one of the first things they do when they get large is they just decide, let's have a dance.
That movie, if you took out all the dance sequences, it would be 45 minutes. It's just... Really an excuse to show women go, do that white man's overbite move over and over and over again. I like that they dress in theater curtains. But it's really the 70s. where you start to see a deeper look into the dynamic of bullies making paper thin jerks into sad reflections of modern day neglect.
Please listen back to our take on Carrie that we did in May of this year, where we have a very well-rounded view of all sorts of bullies in that movie. We've got religious moms, manipulative tyrants, angry... out-of-touch school officials, you get to see it all. But... This extends to dramas like My Bodyguard or Nurse Ratched in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest or the Milk-Infused Gang of a Clockwork Orange. Just to name a few, the 70s is a kind of...
Here are bullies from all sorts of angles. But by the 80s, bullies are no longer outliers. Now, there seemed to be a commonly accepted reality. There seems to be this thing in the culture where we go, well, we all had to deal with one. And that becomes a common refrain that makes most people at a certain point rise up and scream. Why is this a system that needs to stay in place? Yeah, as you say, it was an anomaly, and then after a while, it becomes a rite of passage, particularly for boys.
To, you know, have, you know, just minding your own business and someone comes up and slams you against the lockers or, you know, calls you the other F word or, you know, challenges you to a fight after school. I mean, girls tend to be harassed a different way. You have foxes, you have heathers. Yeah, it's all a power move. Right, yeah. And for a while, as you say, initially they had to be shut down.
And then after a while it was, well, have you tried fighting back? And then after a while as well, you know, our lawyers said we shouldn't do anything. So we're going to pretend nothing happens until one year. When are you thinking kids end up killing yourself over this? Right. Until someone gets cut open, it's kind of like boys will be boys. Right. So during this 80s bully songs, we have...
It expanding to even wider array of timeframes. You have the 1940s with Scott Farkas. You've got the 1950s with Biff Tannen. You got the 1970s with Fred O'Bannon. They're all... Sad little boys taking pleasure out of exerting power over their smaller, more vulnerable classmates. And so I find it odd. And I would argue that the new kids came out. just before the real peak of the 80s bully with Back to the Future and Johnny from Karate Kid. Like, why did this do so poorly?
when many of those other names and films I mentioned are hugely regarded in Canaan. They're still discussed. They're still thought about. When people revisit them, they're like, oh, that's a good movie. And with the exception of that one AI article and a couple people online, like, I love that it's gritty. The new kids has disappeared from the conversation entirely. Again, because it's barely a movie.
Right. There's no real motivation. You know what it reminded me of? Yeah. Remember when we did The Wraith? Yes. I, yes. This is very Wraith. It reminded me of The Wraith. It's not the supernatural or, you know. outer space or whatever the fuck was supposed to be happening without the ambition even because where you just got this this shitty little town where there's no adults to be seen and you've got these teenage bullies
who just got everybody in the entire town cowed, and cops are basically like, well, what do you want us to do? Arrest them? Yeah! I want you to arrest them. Because there are places you can send juvenile bullies. Right. I mean, I don't endorse incarceration, but if you are dealing with bullies... that are bodily threatening rape and death on other people. You can do something about that, officer. And these doofs have a very long history.
of fucking with people in this school. They have a well-earned reputation. It's not a mystery as to who they are. They're not clever enough to get away with it or anything like that. They're still going to school every day. Which cracks me up. Why? They go to a school dance. Which, like, everybody's attitude is, well, there's nothing you can do about it.
They're just like Tommy boying their way through college, only it's high school. They are in the sixth year of their senior year. I just feel like there's a big chunk of plot. that explains why exactly there's nothing that you can do about it. Like, does Dutra's father, you know, run the town? We don't know. We never see him. We never see him. The scene in which Warren breaks into his house, he appears to have no parents.
No, he lives in a child's bedroom on the second floor, but no one else lives there. Like, there's no evidence that anybody in his gang have parents. Like, like there's just, there's no explanation as to why, you know, the two teachers in this entire school and, you know, the two cops on the town police force. You know, you can do a little more but kind of glower at them. They seem to have this town on lock.
Now, it might be interesting to get into some of the nuts and bolts of that. Are they paying off the sheriff's department? Are they paying off that one deputy and he keeps the sheriff off of their back because he's getting kickback? Who are they selling drugs to? Apparently Dutra has a robust drug trade going on to supplement his dog fighting. Right, but we only see one customer, Mooney. And he doesn't pay for drugs. Not once. Not once does he pull out a single bill.
Like he is that guy at the restaurant when you all order food and like, all right, we all owe 20 bucks. And he's the last person. They're constantly trading this dog to dog fight. We never actually see it happen. Yeah. It's just, you know, it's like, where's the rest of this plot? I truly don't know. And I wonder if it was in Terry Crews' original script. But... At no point did they seem to take out all the substance out of this and leave the shell because in a way.
That's what works. Like, would you believe that this movie cost $6 million in 1984 money? Did they spend it on the eyebrow bleach? They spent it on the eyebrow. Bleach and the cool 70s Chevy Vans, which is a thing I will get back to. And I do like Dutra's cool cowboy shirts. Those are pretty boss. In the history of silk shirts on this show, he has...
has some of the best. And if we're evaluating movies strictly on cowboy shirts, this would be through the roof, top 10. But unfortunately, we weren't the only ones to find it disappointing. And it's Columbia. Really had no faith in it. They dumped it in the no man's land of January 1985. It grossed less than $200,000. So compare that. to one of Cunningham's previous gigs where they spent $700,000 and earned $60 million back with Friday the 13th in 1980. This is a massive drop-off for him.
Yeah, I'm not surprised. Yeah. Like, when it comes down to it, Cunningham is just not an original thinker, right? His other 70s output was like... softcore smut and field blah kids fair. The man's a huckster. He's a junk dealer and he managed to get lucky real lucky twice. Once by producing The Last House on the Left, and again for ripping off Halloween.
With a script he didn't even write, Gina. I just, I want this, I want everyone to hear this and really take this in. Never forget, he came up with a title. Cunningham slapped an ad for Friday the 13th in the Hollywood trades, declaring it to be the scariest movie of 1980, a year that saw The Shining hit screens. And he had to search out a script.
that would fit the bill for a movie he had already titled and slotted for a June release. And that's it. Everything you know and love about that franchise essentially comes from someone else's imagination. The characters. Jason Voorhees, the setting, the graphic nature of the kill makeup effects, none of that comes from Sean S. Cunningham. He's to the side going...
Sure, I guess, put a hatchet in her face. And for that, he must be celebrated. But it's not like he came up with the rig or he came up with the idea. As far as I know, the only idea he had was make fun of an old, old movie star before you get a hatchet in the face. Yeah, even now, like... This is, this is, it's very humorless. You know, it's the most interesting thing about it is you see like a fetal Eric Stoltz in it. Right. And somehow his character is not killed.
His character is almost a non-factor. He exists to intake oxygen and breathe out again. And, like, he's nice? That's it. That's his character trait, everybody. He's nice. He's the contrast to Dutra. Right. All of this is because they see Lori Loughlin, who is... Absolutely redefining. When you say someone is sleepwalking through a performance, it's like someone gave her like...
a melatonin hidden in peanut butter before filming began every day. Because she looks so disengaged, so absolutely uninterested in what she's doing. And when she does show emotion, it's usually vague embarrassment. Or the slightest of frustrations. She just, she's gonna try to get through the day. She's co-starring with this guy. who was clearly being pushed as a next big thing. I checked to see if this is his only movie, but Wikipedia does not light up his name.
I suppose I could have gone to IMDb, but I really didn't care that much. Well, he has a bunch of 70s TV credits. He was in different strokes just before this. So he's got... that going for him but no there's nothing about him that screams this is your leading man he's like he's a charisma void and honestly spader isn't even that good he he's just sort of like
going through the motions like none of them none of them want to be there the only the only people look like they're having any fun is like A handful of his toadies. Right. The toadies are trying to make a meal. They're trying. They're trying. They basically are acting like they're in deliverance. Yes. And everyone else is like.
without any guidance. Like, I entirely doubt that Cunningham gave anyone a note the entirety of filming this movie. It is just devoid of guidance and to point a fact, like... direction it's not that cunningham is a complete nick nincompoop like it's not like it's out of focus it's not like incidents don't make sense There's a slight story here, and it's absolutely delivering that slight story, but it's not interesting, which is kind of odd considering his big hullabaloo before this are...
Pretty interesting political pieces of work. Last House is like the white flight suburbs finally having been forced to deal with violence that they've fled from. paying them a house call, whether it's like they're leaving urban decay or blood spilt in Vietnam. Friday the 13th, meanwhile, can absolutely be viewed as an older generation who's so pissed off that some kids die and others live that they're like...
I'm going to put a hatchet into your face. I'm going to shove an arrow through the back of your deck. That's how pissed off I am. And you can absolutely read that from the time as people's general disbelief. at disposal of young people in the Korean and Vietnam conflicts. So the New Kids makes a very bold move here.
and reverses all this. What if the real victims were the children of the military industrial complex who were immediately kicked out of the army's care after their Medal of Honor winning father and mother are killed? in a car accident. What about the kids who were raised all their lives to defend themselves when bullies come around? What about them, Gina? I mean, sure.
Not a question that's kept me up at night, but... No, it isn't. And it's not to say that this set up... couldn't garner interesting results it's that cunningham and company refused to deliver anything approximating interesting results well like i said you've got you know they're trying to do a little deliverance And they're definitely leaning into Last House. Because if you swapped out Dutra for Krug, you can start to see what's really happening here. A little bit. Have you ever seen the movie?
with Dustin Hoffman, him and his wife. Oh, Straw Dogs. Straw Dogs, yes. It's a little bit that, except a set of husband and wife. It's a brother and sister. Right. It's definitely, everyone has seen these much more influential movies, but they can't recreate them. But this, this I have a Blu-ray of, Gina. And I looked on it thinking.
Well, I own the Blu-ray. Surely, there will be some special features on here that I can look at that will explain something of the backstory of the making of this motion picture. No. You know what the special feature is on this disc? Closed captions. You don't even get the original trailer? No. If you look for New Kids original trailer on YouTube, you will get this with a different title attached to it.
So, yeah, like, I could tell you the plot, but there isn't one. Right. Lori Loughlin's character, I've already forgotten her name. Abby. Abby shows up on the first day of school and this bully and his gang immediately make a beeline for her and decide that they're going to make a bet over who gets in her pants the fastest and proceeds to... all attempt to ask her out in the most clumsiest, disgusting ways possible. I mean, at least Dutra makes a stab.
And being charming. Well, he tries to impress her with things that he has. He has access to a $100 bill. He has a boss-ass Chevy van. He has some cool tailored cowboy shirts. Exactly. Like, he's slim, he's reasonably attractive, and maybe if you weren't paying attention, you might think he's charming. He's a little, you know what it is? I think that he's not good in this.
But also I can definitely see him workshopping Steph from Pretty and Pink. Right. This feels like a failure that you learn from and you don't repeat those mistakes and then you end up creating. truly defining character work in other movies as a result. Right. He's like, he, it's like when he went to go, when he was cast to play Steph, which I guess would have been like a year or two later. It's like.
Hmm, perhaps I should take this character. Oh, right. I should probably make him sexy in some way. Right. Or charismatic or, you know, you know. Yeah, he's an asshole, but hear me out. He's a poison pill. He's like that guy in Othello who's talking into Othello's ear about all this shit you ought to be doing and not doing. these other things you don't want them to do and you know when you get to less than zero he swamps out the fidgets and the quirks for steely silence and just
a lizard-like, I'm sunning myself because there's no internal heat within me. And it just works so much better. Like, it's probably worth it. that he fails this fucking hard when he does so well in other circumstances. As you say, he's not giving any direction. No. He's basically told, be menacing.
Right. These are your marks. Show up there so the camera can catch your image. Maybe we'll have some light shine in your direction so it bounces off your fucking face. Should I be charming or something? No, be menacing. We really need to establish that you're the bad guy here. People won't get it. People, I mean, literally you see him for two seconds and you go.
Well, that's the bad guy. And then he does nothing to disprove this, but also nothing to layer it. There's not like something he's missing. Well, performance-wise, it's missing, but also... He's a paper person. There's no there, there. And that can be said for almost everyone, even people who... kind of pop in this movie are doing so practically by accident right so they you know they go through all you know attempting to ask her out and all i could think is has this ever worked for them
Is this flashing $100 bill at a gas station attendant when your filler up costs you four American dollars, Gina? The kid old days. I heard that's how much it's going to cost to kill your gas tank now that Trump's been elected again. Oh, sure, because he has access to all the reserves of oil and gas that we all have. to get eggs for a dozen for a penny right with tariffs because that that will help all of us yeah but yeah it's like when you you you they are clumsy they're gross
And it's like, okay, are you trying to win this contest? Right. And the other thing that I just find truly bizarre is that the movie feels like it's a period piece. There was supposed to be a card at some point that said 1979 because the dad solved this hostage crisis in a plane. And you're like, okay, that's a thing that happened. Not in 1985. Plane crises were over at that point. We're not continuing to have tons of plane crises. And so...
There's nothing in the movie that wreaks 1985. All the cars are old. All the fashion is old. There's no modernness by 1984 or 5 standards to be seen here. The only thing that even approaches it is the Rocky three, like song montages of people working out. And you're like that I've seen in this time period, but nothing else. Like. Every vehicle everyone drives is definitely using leaded gas. So, like, she, you know, she's like, thank you, no.
to every attempt to ask her out on a date and presumably deflower her because they had somehow sensed that she's a virgin. Right. And then her brother is mildly perturbed that these guys will leave her alone. And so they start this campaign of terror. Where they're defacing his car, they're threatening them, and it's like, that's a little over the top, the way you're reacting here.
And surely this cannot be the first time you've been turned down for a date. But it's like they've never met resistance once in their lives. But once they meet, you know, Lauren and Abby and. The movie tries to set them up like because of this military background of their being raised by a military hero, that they're supernaturally prepared for this. But they...
Constantly choose the path that Mac, their dad, sets out for them to not start conflict, right? Action's only taken when someone takes action against you. You defend. You don't attack, which I think is an interesting idea. The movie does not work with it at all. It's just as soon as. He's, Lauren's had enough. And if you're trying to envision what this guy looks like, Shannon Presby, he's like, if you Brundle-flied a Kewpie doll and Winghauser together. Yeah, I think it's, I think it's a point.
where he breaks into Dutra's house and ties up and threatens a semi-nude Dutra with a knife. The only time I think this movie has real heat. It's like, okay, you have officially escalated this situation. And as you noted when we had a brief text about the movie, Dutra's bedroom is... Up there. Like, you know you love a teen's bedroom on this show. We love how teen bedrooms are decorated in horror movies. There's usually something that is completely fucking off.
And I was kind of struggling. The wallpaper's a little loud. And then I saw it. And then you sent me a picture of it. And we will post it to the Facebook group and other places. But... When you see that actors 8x10... See, it honestly looks like the picture that was submitted for this movie. Yes. Like somebody taking a picture of like a costume design or something. Like a proof of concept that James Spader can work a silk shirt. And so he's...
legs crossed, arms folded in the middle of some weird field. And then above that picture. is a battle stage. And this is all mounted on what appears to be like cowhide or something like that. Some sort of animal pelt. And then there's this... This axe and then a portrait of himself. Like, no girls or anything, which I thought, you know, made this, you know, I don't think it was intentional.
Right. But I think it added an interesting element to this whole scene. Yes. Because when I say he is sleeping in the tiniest pair of underwear I have ever seen in my life. No one in this movie sleeps in anything other than their underwear. old people wear pajamas. These people have to be in the tiniest skiffs so that you can really see what kind of hinder Lauren is working with. And here's a preview. Not much.
At least James Spader's bikini underwear displays some talent, let's say. Yeah, but he's still pretty, he's pretty scrawny. Absolutely. And again, I don't buy any of these people. as these fearsome fighters that you absolutely don't want to have to go up against. Yeah. It just... does not reek of, these people are trouble. Yeah, don't cross these guys. Oh, my God. That bedroom is so fucking dire, Gina. I'm actually watching.
the scene right now. And there's this sign in the background that says no sleeping in the lobby. That's it. That's art direction when it comes to the new kids. Such a sleazebag that you would expect his room to be just, you know, wall-to-wall nudie pictures, but it's not. No, like, where are the jiggle posters? Where's Farrah Fawcett? Where's anything that communicates any of his lascivious nature? The guy has a sewing machine in his bedroom. Is he making those shirts?
Why does he have that thing that says Sunday service in his closet? Did he steal it from a church? Well, that's a fucking backstory, but it's more backstory than we ever fucking get. Yeah, I mean, it's all, you have to make, you know, everything must be assumed. I mean, I was encouraged by the fact that he had a calculator in his shoebox of drugs. Like, at least there's some accounting being done.
He's not going to rip you off. He's a businessman. First and foremost. When you're buying cocaine from a 17-year-old. Strictly biz. You're absolutely right. It is a fucking animal pelt, Gina. I just want everyone to know you're absolutely right here. That is a fucking cowhide or some shit. Make sure you get this creation because you've got the Blu-ray, whereas I just took a picture of my television.
Oh, my God. We mentioned earlier, but it should be noted that Abby is played by convicted criminal Lori Loughlin. Now, we have previously discussed her cinematic efforts in a movie that features a demon jacuzzi and burnt skeleton hugs that we love, quote unquote, Amityville 3D. And she barely fucking exists in this movie. But comparatively, she's a ray of goddamn sunshine compared to Shannon Presby, who every time you see him in the film...
look, his conveying look of ouchie when he breathes. That's how frail and non-threatening he comes across. Yeah, but you're supposed to buy that. These are tough kids. Who can just take one beating after another. Yes. That's because they've been trained by Colonel Mack McWilliams. Why is his nickname Mack if his last name is Mick Williams?
Why do his children call him that? That is another thing that I find. I suppose this is some sort of military thing. I don't particularly know why. But he's played by... The only person who knows how to instantly portray character no matter where he shows up in a movie, Tom fucking Adkins. If you ever wanted to see the most...
physically active Tom Adkins will ever be on screen. Watch him jog in the first five minutes of this film. He's not going to last long. He instantly disappears right after he sexualizes his daughter. with the whole hot little bod comment with her in bed, which feels more like... Tom Atkins speaking to Lori Loughlin than his daughter. Yeah. You don't get attached to him. He is gone in the first 10 minutes. Yes. He disappears almost instantly in the most.
They can't even show the fucking car accident. They have $6 million and they can't pull that off. Even though he gets an and credit at the beginning. But yeah, right after he receives the Medal of Honor. for personally stopping and air hijacking, he dies in a car accident. And the army's, like, flicking them out of the system immediately.
And they end up at Uncle Charlie's Santa Play Lane in Florida. And that's their day-night job when they're not at school getting the shit bullied out of themselves. Another real criminal. in this movie is Lalo Schifrin, who wrote the music for this. And I think actively ruins whatever possible tension might be occurring on screen. One thing is for sure.
He listened to a lot of Yacht Rock and then made it Marina Rock and then put it in a film three years too fucking late. I kept waiting for TJ Hooker to appear whenever his themes ramped up. It's... terrible. He should be in the fucking hague. This is dereliction of duty. But again, Sean S. Cunningham does not have the wherewithal. He does not have the taste. He does not have the instinct to go.
this should sound better because he's gotten lucky before. So why wouldn't he just get lucky again? Yeah. Well, that's the thing. I mean, is, is this a thriller? Is this a horror movie? I am unsure. Right. This is what we were talking about right at the top, where there are two different versions of this movie kind of actively being filmed at the same time, sort of Frankenstein together. not really sure what it should be so you know santa's fun land which is the opposite of fun is
The traveling carnival and the fun house is like islands of adventure compared to this fucking place. But it also doesn't seem creepy enough to be scary at the end. It just seems rusted, but... everyone's place is rusted in this motion picture. Yeah, it's just this, you know, frutty little town. And you've got this cruddy little amusement park that Uncle Charlie is absolutely certain is going to turn a profit any time. Right.
Because Epcot is being built, you know, many miles down the 20 miles down the road. I can't remember the exact distance. But if you are going to Epcot, I don't know why you would stop here. Except you get gas. Yes. If you got gas, yes. By the end, he figures out how to make money, and it might be the most cynical... happy ending I've ever seen in my life. I'm like, they're trying to say something with this, aren't they? But at the same time, it's like, this is...
This is the definition of on Earth. You know what I reminded me of? Have you ever seen The Fanatic? Yeah. The movie with John Travolta that was directed by Fred Durst. Yes. Yes. I unfortunately suffered. So in the end, if you recall, he does. John Travolta is a titular fanatic. And he kidnaps his favorite actor, who I think is Devin Sawa. And he does survive, but he's missing a couple fingers and an eye.
because Devin Sawa attacks him and escapes. So John Travolta's character is a street performer, and... It doesn't do very well because his character is very dumb and stupid and he's bad at it. But he is walking down Hollywood Boulevard just pouring blood. from his gouged out eye and I can't remember if they were bitten off or shot off but his missing fingers and all of a sudden like the tourists think this is an act.
And they start giving him money and suddenly he's doing well because that's what people want to see. People want to see blood and guts. And it's just like, no, you didn't earn this. You didn't earn this cynicism movie. And that's what I think this is trying to do. It's trying to say, don't you see, people love this shit. People love when other people die horribly. And it's like, are you trying to say something about the movie that made you successful, Sean Cunningham?
So successful that you sued someone into oblivion to retain absolute rights to it and failed for nearly a decade. Is this trying to be a cutting observation? About the audience you just subjected to this nonsense for 90 minutes? Again, I just, I don't think he's particularly clever. or smart, or driven by a need to tell a grand story. And that can work out in a lot of circumstances. We read a lot of stuff into that original Friday the 13th that is...
perhaps not intended from him. Maybe it's intended from the script or the times in which it's made, like every piece of art is a weird mirror of reality. But it's not something born of his desire to make that point. He's not that kind of filmmaker. And so a lot of this just kind of sits there and happens. Yeah, and it's just like...
You don't give me 90 minutes of absolutely nothing happening, but a couple of assholes beating each other up every five minutes. And then they turn around and say, well, you're just giving the people what they want. God. So I think we've danced around it long enough, Gina. There's a lot of back and forth in this movie. They escalated. People get beat up in a parking lot.
You know, eventually Lauren gets jumped in the bathroom. Abby gets kidnapped and they attempt to rape her while lighting her on fire, which are both bad ideas. but really bad ideas on top of one another. Yeah. And also set this like bloodthirsty dog on her at the same time. Yeah, it's really fucking confused.
So let's go through the highlights, if you were to put that in dick fingers, of the movies, the characters, and how they die in order. So first, we've got Gordo, the first of the gang to die. Gordo looks like what would happen if you took comedic actor Caleb Heron and made him go feral. Gordo is, listen, I'm not going to call him the muscle of the group.
But he does have a major size advantage for the group. They checked off a list here where, you know, you have the leader and you have the big dumb guy who doesn't say much. Yes. He's sort of like, he's the Moochie of the group. He's like Moochie from Christie. But they have someone who's named Mooney, oddly enough, who's not the Moochie of the group.
And then you've got two interchangeable dudes who are basically do little else but laugh. We're not done with Gordo yet, Gina. I've got more jokes. He is... Addicted to puffy trucker hats that can barely contain the jungle of flowing curls that cascade out of the back of his head that says... to you not so much in words but in visuals I'd like a side of you with that side of bacon to a diner waitress I wish Gordo had more personality
but he's really just there to take orders and make sure that dog can rip another dog's throat out on command. Guess what happens to Gordo, everyone? Oh, he gets a bowl of blood thrower in his face. First and foremost. Which triggers the dog they've trained to attack anything with blood on it. And so his throat is ripped out. Do you see his ripped out throat? No. That's because Sean S. Cunningham is a director of restraint. Where?
Did the $6 million in this movie go? Because it's not for cool gore effects. If you're going to do this shit, why not fucking do it? Yeah, you get a character getting their head cut off. You don't see that happen. No, you do not. But we're not there yet because we have to talk about the enigma that is Jabob. Jabob. is here for the vibes, y'all. He's not a killer. He barely has any bloodlust at all. In fact, I think he's more of a degenerate gambler.
than he is anything else. And that's why he hangs out with this crew. He's the money man. He's the reason why Dutra has a calculator in his box of drugs. He's not useful in a fight. And he sucks at following orders. He's terrible at this, y'all. And when it's suggested that the crew stop trying to rape and murder Abby, he chimes in with a, that sounds good to me. And as a result...
Dutra basically says, you're out. I never want to see you. I never want to think of you. You're gone. How dare you suggest we not sexually assault and murder this innocent girl? And he's like, oh, no, I'm back in line. That sounds great to me. As a result, he may be the smartest person in this crew who also has the least amount of power. I was going to say, but that's not saying much. No. I'm assuming...
That Joe Bob is kind of the connect when it comes to the various schemes that this group has. Yeah, well, I also think it also appears to be his property initially. That they're treating his dog on because he's got this little brother. That turns out to be Gideon's because that's Gideon's little brother at the end. Oh, okay, okay. But he's the one who's like, there's a dog fight happening. So.
I think he's the person who, like, gets the information, who's the front for the group. He's not the brains of the operation. He's a facilitator. But he does not have any other use. And so... When he's like, perhaps we should cool it with, like, maiming people and trying to light them on fire. The rest, Dutra's like, that's what I live for, motherfucker. It's like, do you?
It feels like you don't know what you're doing here. I don't know that he knows what he's doing either. Also, this is a classic, what you like to do, what you like to call, you know. plan you know blank space dollar equals dollar sign dollar sign dollar sign yes like like okay like do you have what is going to happen After you rape and presumably murder this young woman that everybody in town knows you've been harassing for weeks.
Right. There are so many fucking witnesses to you attempting to rape and murder her on school property that when it happens off, you're the first place they're going to fucking look, you idiot. But listen. None of them are particularly well-honed mental machines. Speaking of which, how does Joe Bob... I think Joe Bob is simply shot in the gut with a fucking shotgun. Yes. So then we got Mooney.
Mooney is our classic toady. In fact, I would, I would say he's a toady prime. Really? He is cannon fodder. Like of all the dumb asses, his ass is dumbest. He is just, he nearly shoots half the gang during the final sequence in which they're hunting down Lauren and Abby. And I get it from a strategy standpoint. Mooney is not someone you trust with hunting people on the ground. Better to keep him in a crow's nest and sacrifice him as necessary.
But he's so high on whatever drug cocktail he's mixed that, honestly, I think he would have been better suited in a movie that you mentioned earlier, The Wraith. Yes. He would be better off drinking airplane coolant and trying to catch an outer space car. Mooney was born to die. And he does. When Lauren... crawls up a giant Ferris wheel and locks Mooney's car in place so that when it starts...
It just tips him over and he falls on his empty, empty head. I love how he's like all twisted up like a Bugs Bunny cartoon. Like he falls from maybe 15 feet. I'm not saying that's nothing. I'm not saying you can't die, but he falls on grass. Not head first. And like somehow like his arm is like around his neck the wrong way. This dumb, this asshole is so dumb. He can't fall right. And so he, he dies instantly on grass.
From a height which he should probably bounce. Like, he should have broken arms. He might even have a cracked skull. But dead? Something tells me that light was not burning brightly to begin with. No. Okay. So let's get, now we're getting interesting here because now we're getting to Gideon. Gideon has a lethal combination of high aspiration and low IQ. In my estimation.
And this is remarkable. He might be the dullest knife in this particular drawer. That is saying a lot. That is really saying a lot. But that doesn't mean you can't shake somebody with a dull knife. My suggestion for Gideon is stop chasing the ladies and start seducing Dutra. If these two were occupied with each other, as they should be, There'd be a lot more getting done with their days. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah, absolutely. That energy needs to be redirected into a closed circuit.
that includes blue bikini underwear and a certain cowhide on the wall, you know? But they're both trapped in heteronormative prisons. And they're saving their raciest undies for the privacy of their bedroom instead of stuffing them in each other's mouths. Gideon thrives in a power vacuum. but Dutra has all the power, so he's not thriving at all. He's just not equipped with very much. He's kind of the...
dirtbag version of a blue flame special. All thrust and no purpose. The best thing that happens with Gideon is that he gets rejected publicly by Abby in the library. And at least we're treated to a microfiche scene. Yes, we are. It would have been better if the library was dark and only illuminated by that microfiche, but beggars can't be choosers.
And so now we're up to the big fish. We've got Eddie Dutra, played by the bleached eyebrows of James Spader, on off of being the bullied teen in Tough Turf. Spader, as we've mentioned, is indulging in a lot of method and ticks here. It just, there isn't a tick that's not on display, but they don't. add up to anything. And Gina, my big question for you when it comes to Dutra is, is this what a Florida accent is supposed to sound like?
I've not encountered many people with a classic Florida accent. I think he is just doing what he perceives to be quote unquote white trash. Right. Yes. um conniving white trash but like it is weird that he's the smartest guy of the group and just makes continuously some of the dumbest moves i've ever seen on camera
Like, he is a worse planner than many of the vampires we have talked about so far in season five. And that, again, is saying something. Well, just, yeah, just in this, you know, scheme for, you know, they're going to rape and murder Abby. He's putting his hands all over her. like like like you know he has you know bloody finger marks left on her and it's like you know what do you what do you think's gonna happen here when his body is found
It begs the question, what turns this guy on? I get power turns him on, power over other people. That's an obvious turn on for bullies from time immemorial. But... The first time we really see him wake up on camera is when Abby gives Mooney a punch to the balls, and then he's like, I'm not just a bitch. I'm a bitch with a backstory. Now, we never hear that backstory, but he conveys it. The most incredible non-music montage moment we see in this movie.
is literally when Lauren breaks into Dutra's house. And you see that setup that he has inside of there. And all of a sudden, like, this movie has juice. And then all the juice is gone. Yeah, because like I said, there's interesting energy. Again, unintentional, I'm sure. Yeah. But it's like, okay.
you know, now we see that Lauren, you know, has his own, that he's pushing things. And, you know, even though they're supposed to be, you know, the noble, you know, well, I'm not going to start any fights, but we're going to finish them. And, and, and... You know, it's like, okay, but now you're breaking the law. Now you've committed a crime. Oh, wait a second. I forgot one of the deaths. I believe it is Joe Bob.
who is killed by electrocution via bumper car transformer. I mean, what a way to go. But, like, it's the most shocking death, but only because it involves shocking. The rest of them are not so much. So nobody really actually dies by shotgun blast. But yeah, Gideon dies by decapitation by Kitty Coaster. We don't see it. we are again treated to how bad Sean S. Cunningham is at fight choreography. He either doesn't want to hire somebody to do it, thinks he is good at it,
or just doesn't find it important. And in a movie where people are primarily armed with their two fists. You kind of have to figure out how to make that fucking interesting. If Hooper and the Cannonball Run can do it, why can't you? Well, what I think is particularly... bizarre about that scene is that Lori Loughlin is so just phoning it in at this point that she sees her brother cause a man to be decapitated.
In front of her very eyes. And she just does not react in any appreciable way whatsoever. Listen, it's a Friday night. When do we get back to prom? When can I get this lighter fluid off? You know, I left my boyfriend at the dance. Can we go back or what? Are we done here? He came in as he dressed in his best polo. We're going to dance to this incomprehensible pop song that I scrambled to find out what this is. And no one wants to report its existence.
Here's the grand total of notes that I took while actually watching the movie, Gina. Flirting via ladder? I've seen better. That's it. That looks dangerous. I was cringy. I'm like, that looks dangerous as hell. Lauren's girlfriend is color coordinating with the graffiti on the walls of Santa's Playland. She's just sort of like clinging to the back of him while he's on this ladder.
Yes, someone needs to take charge of that relationship, and I feel like a good pegging is in order. And then I think this movie really can't get better. And then we're given a goose scare. That's right. A jump scare involving a goose. I was hoping you would do it. I think it might, to date, be our only goose scare. If anyone can remember a movie, it's weird that I've taken this many notes, but I can't remember something like...
Did we have multiple goose scares? It was alarming we had had one. I'll tell you that right now. And then, as we mentioned before... After all these dipshits are dead, Santa's playland is rife with business, including a tour of where the drug-addled gang were all killed. And then Gideon's little brother shows up and stares hard at everybody. The second 12-year-old getting set up to for a possible sequel, The Audacity.
Wait till I train my own dog to fight, and then you'll see what happens in two new two kids. Oh, my God. There is no kind of... self-confidence like just setting up your your mediocre horror movie for a sequel well i mean i would say a better than mediocre Until the third act, you know, horror movie and Friday the 13th probably didn't warrant a sequel. But then it made so much money. It's a 60 plus times multiplier in terms of profit.
So, like, why wouldn't that happen again to this doofus? And then thankfully it didn't. Listen, I don't like to hate on a movie. And I kind of... Assumed that this would have a weird, fun charm to it. But I found it rather charmless. Yeah, like I said, it reminded me in so many ways of The Wraith.
But without the weird supernatural angle to it. Oh, yeah. The Wraith is like fucking Nightmare on... elm street compared to this movie it's just i won't i wouldn't ever call the wraith super successful but it's absolutely a much more successful version of this movie simply because it commits to its very weird Right. And this is just, this is just nothing. This is just, you know, we want to, we just want to see some actors beating up on each other. Yes.
And then we're going to have what is promising to be a Friday the 13th level gore fest at the very end and then wimps out on that. Like the bloodiest it gets. is when the bowl of blood is accidentally thrown in Gordo's face. Right. He kind of gets carried, but the carry thing is direct. direct circumstances in terms of him. I just cannot believe that uncle Charlie does this based on pure reflex and poor Gordo.
It has a face full of blood and that's all it takes. Mooney immediately lets go of the fucking dog. Actually, it might be Joba. I can't tell those two idiots apart. I feel like maybe if this had been made now, they could have done a little something with this outsized reaction.
to the fact that this teenage girl is not interested in going on a date with any of them. You know, I feel like they could have said something about... how you know a lot there are unfortunately in real life cases where women are violently attacked or even killed for the crime of turning someone down who has asked him out on a date. Right. It's not like this isn't fertile ground for an exploration of anything, even if it is exploitative. There are plenty of films that do that and do it well.
this is just so like there's just nothing it's nothing nobody has a backstory we don't know what the story would do is we don't know why the the the town teams who have essentially given up and just let them, you know, run roughshod on everybody. Like, they're just, there's, we don't even get like, you know, we get like, like, like, you know, Eric Stoltz basically, well, those are bad guys, stay away from them. It's like, oh, thanks! Yeah, great advice. That's very helpful.
So we're left with at least one fun element of every film that we cover, and that is choosing our own death venture. So we decided the deaths captured on screen. If we were forced to die in one of those ways, which one would we choose and why? We have up for bid. mauled to death by a dog you train to maul things to death death by fixed car ferris wheel electrocution via bumper cars transformer decapitation by kitty coaster or incinerated by flaming gas pump.
I just like that he gives up and is like, fuck it, I'm just going to use a flamethrower. And that works? Yeah, that feels like it should work. He was very determined to set this girl on fire. And it's not the first. I think in point break, someone turns a gas station pump into a flame flower. And that works a lot better than this. I think for me, honestly, I wish I could like, I wish I could mix up.
two of the deaths because I would think it'd be really funny to get my head cut off by a bumper car. Right. So I think I'm about to settle for getting my head run over by a kiddie coaster. Yeah. You wouldn't think it would have the force or energy to do it. No, again, I mean, again, much like the fall from the parasol, it wouldn't feel good. But I don't think, you know, I think you get maybe a pretty serious concussion out of it. Not your entire, your whole ass head being sliced off.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, I don't like heights, even that non-height thing that really triggers me. I think I'm going to have to go with electrocution via bumper car transformer because... His noodles cooked immediately. Yeah, he just kind of falls. He's like, and then just falls over. He's done. Right. It's not like the fun house where you've got a kind of supernatural being who's electrocuted, I'd say, for a good 65 seconds. He cannot stop screaming.
Yeah. Oh, boy. You remember The Fun House? That was a great movie. The Fun House was a great movie. And like I said, I now hold the rates in higher esteem after watching this. I think if you put... James Spader and Nick Cassavetes up against each other to battle the scumbags. Nick Cassavetes would win handily. Yes, I agree with you, which I would never have picked, honestly.
But that just about does it. We've got a great Patreon where we have lots of fun episodes for you to listen to that are a bonus you won't hear anywhere else. And you should definitely check it out. It's a really fun time with a bunch of different levels and we're going to be delivering some more stuff to you.
in 2025 for you to check out that I think you're really going to enjoy. Josh Hollis does all of our artwork. Go to joshhollis.com. Go to revengebodymemphis at bandcamp.com for this theme and all of the remixes and fine. on your social medias everywhere. But Twitter, fuck that joint. Hey, Gina!
Where can people find you on these here internets? I write about moving into a culture in my newsletter, you know, watchesthings.com. I'm pretty active on Blue Sky. Blue Sky's turned out to be a pretty fun play setting. after all now that people are doing a heavy migration finally over from what used to be Twitter.
But it feels like the best version of Twitter back when we first started. Yes, exactly. So you can also find me and friend me there and also under Gina Does Things. Do it today, people. Check it out. Don't worry, folks. The body count will continue for myself. and for Gina. Bye-bye, everybody.