and gentlemen boys and girls diet time is here that's right we're talking about Greetings and salutation center. It's your old pal Patrick Hamilton coming to you once again from New York City. That's a song associated with New York, right? No? I fucked it up? Who cares?
And a daze doesn't care. Why should I? Anyways, this is the Kill by Kill podcast where we're dedicated to celebrating the least discussed component of any horror film, the characters. And we're going to unpack all the gorious and... Honestly, not nearly gory enough details of 1999's end of days in the hopes that a devil worshipper's untimely end is just the beginning of the jokes we might make at their expense.
And as always, there's only one person I trust to tie up a woman in a church basement and translate her ramblings via Windows 95. The one, the only. Gina Radcliffe. How are you doing today, Gina? I thought you were going to say that you trust me to feed a newborn babe rattlesnake blood. Like our favorite physician with a heart, Udo Kerr, does in this with his little pinky. Just hand over this infant to Udo Kerr. Nothing terrible could possibly happen there. In a way.
End of days is a very odd choice for kill by kill because it's a little neither here nor there. It's a tempting to do all sorts of things. And part of it is horror and part of it is action. out of satan no um but i'd always kind of kept it in the back of my mind because i had always wondered if we should do A season where we would do horror police procedurals.
And then I looked at the list of franchises we haven't covered. And I'm like, we're never getting to fucking this. We should just talk about some of this shit. And then it came up that this movie is celebrating, at least at the time we're recording this. It's 25th anniversary. And I'm like, no film has left less of an impact.
than end of days yeah i mean we we worry sometimes about covering movies that everybody else is covering i mean that's that's you know kind of the obvious risk you run into because we i would say you know, more recently than ever before we have, we've been covering new releases. Yes. Because, you know, again, because they're coming out to streaming so fast, but no one is going to cover it. this might end up being our most listened to episode only because people out there
Want to hear what people have to say about end of days and nobody else is covering it. Yeah. Like truly, you know, when everyone else is. You know, we talked about Black Christmas, which is a fantastic movie. And I get why everyone's talking about it. It's his 50th anniversary and all that. But no. with a right mind is going to talk about end of days and so yes it was originally going to be in that black christmas spot but honestly i i don't regret shifting it and
No one but me could possibly care about its anniversary. So here we go, everybody. You know, if you're doing a task, keep doing it. If you're listening to us in a relaxing position, you know. Pulled a Stuart Wellington there. Well, listen, when he sets a good example, all you can do is really follow it. And I like, we'd like nothing more to be.
than to be compared to Stuart Wellington in any degree. Yeah, don't feel like you have to stop and watch it. You really, really, really don't. I'm going to tell you... Almost everything that happens in the first half of it, nothing that happens in the second half of it is really worth discussing. That being said, Gina had mentioned before we started recording that this movie is...
It has a charm to it, but it comes from a very specific place, Gina. Yeah, it is so stupid and takes itself so seriously that you kind of... It's kind of charming after a while. How serious. No, no, let me, let me, let me. take that back gabriel burn isn't taking it seriously gabriel burn knows exactly what kind of movie it is and that that movie is stupid bullshit in which they are just they are making it up as they go along
They are just like, you know, I will give you an example. Patrick, if you had a setup for this, I apologize for stealing your thunder. No worries. But the big shocking reveal. in this movie is that 666 the devil's number that we're all familiar from and the omen mostly is is actually supposed to be turned over And it's actually 999. And then you add a 1 to it. And that means 1999. That's the big, like, holy shit.
Reveal in the movie When the screenwriter wrote this down He must have felt like Whoever wrote down Martha Why did you say the name Martha Like No one's ever talked about the fact that Superman and Batman have the same mom name at all. And you're like, yeah, because it doesn't fucking matter. It's a weird stretch. And this is an even weird...
You know, like, what if all those people who were trying to stalk Damian Thorne were wrong? And it's like, no, he was still definitely, you know, the devil's seed. Regardless of what positioning the numbers on his scalp were. And, you know, considering how much we enjoyed last year, you know, the first Dolman and how...
un-stupid that is. While still taking it very seriously. It's a very humorless movie. And that's not... that's not a criticism but it is a straight horror it's not trying to to you elbow the audience and i think that's what elevates it from you know as much as i love that original omen movie because it is a shit ton of fun what was fun about the first omen was how deadly serious it was taken how much they wanted to make a true creeping horror out of it and
It's really accomplished and it looks beautiful. And, you know, it was only made for a couple more million dollars than this film. Actually, that's not true at all. This movie was made for a hundred million dollars. And they spent another two-thirds of that $100 million to market it. And it kind of came even when you add up domestic and foreign, but even then.
You're not making all that money from foreign markets. And so it was primarily a big fucking dud. And so much of my feelings about it are kind of wrapped up in the fact that... I was a studio guide when they were making it. I came back to being a studio guide from being away for a little bit, doing other jobs in the company. And so I saw it being filmed a bunch of different ways, including at night when they blew shit up. More on that later. And then it was a guide screening.
One of the last guide screens I saw before I ended up traveling to Japan and living there primarily for two and a half years. And so during guide screens, we were always told... Don't make fun of the movie. You can make fun of it after, but while you take in what the movie is, and not because this movie is...
you know, above derision, but because you don't know who's going to come into the screening room. Everyone on the lot knows when the guide screening is. We have executives who come in and check out reactions to the movies that you guys give it. And that informs how it's like a test screening for them without us writing anything down. So don't, we want to continue doing this. Don't, you know, make fun of the movie. And then.
an incident happens in this movie in which a guy who's had his eyes torn out of his face says, I can see darkness in you to Arnold Schwarzenegger. Thank you. And it broke, it broke 150 people at the same time. Yeah, well, the follow-up's even better where, like, you know, Arnold Schwarzenegger is trying to gain. entrance into this like underground lair and this like medieval looking homeless person with his eyes torn out says I can see darkness in you
Okay, you can go in. Like he just said the password was New England Clam Chowder or something. He's the worst bouncer. This is a problem. When you have a big bad and you put it on the level of a fallen angel, Satan himself, and this is the dregs. He's just like relying on like half crazed already. homeless people to to get his message across and and he he he takes over the body of an investment banker which i'm like well i mean
You know, like, is there supposed to be, like, a joke here about, oh, well, he was probably already evil to begin with? Or, like, you know, why doesn't he... Instead of just, you know, smooching his colleagues, you know, wife or girlfriend, then sauntering away and you never see them again. You know, why doesn't he get to work on those people? And, you know, the New York, the Manhattan.
and hoi polloi instead of like you know the rat man from the stand well this is the thing it is weird that this movie which takes satan so seriously and all this And it has all this backstory about who he's recruited and how long in the works this has all been. It's been in the stars and everything. And then Prince of Darkness. You know, Satan is a swirling vial of goo, and he has also recruited a bunch of unhoused people, but they're basically blocking the exits.
He hasn't put them in charge of important decisions. The only time he does that is when he possesses the body of the guy that was the first guy that was stabbed. death the guy who refused to you you even consider what they were saying you know about what might be in the basement and you know he just sort of got his you know the whole i have a message you're not going to like it that yeah but that's it
I mean, the homeless people don't even speak. No. They are a force of nature. Right. They're under some sort of trance. Right. And here, it's like... He's just been recruiting in the weirdest way possible. Why don't we back up a little bit and figure out how this fucking mess started to begin with. So sit back. Again, if you also have a beer, I will be chugging this to try to make way through. Written.
to capitalize on Y2K fears. End of Days signaled the end of Arnold's big screen dominance in a genre that he had basically ruled over. I was going to say that, yeah, this was actually a first time watch. much for me um i mean obviously i remember when it came out i remember like a flying over the fact that his character's name was jericho kane which is jericho kane which is which is you know
up there in worst action hero names of all time. And also notable for being like the beginning of the end for his action hero career. Yes. I mean, there's multiple factors here at play. First of all, this is kind of a weird comeback for him. Like, he is using this to get back into the game. Because far more detrimental, I think... to his presence in movies were the two movies that kind of preceded this. And that is Batman and Robin and Jingle All the Way. I am...
We talked about Batman and Robin over on Horror Queers, so I won't get into my many theories about that. That's a great place to hear about those. I am... constantly surprised by people who are like, I love Jingle all the way. And I'm like, the movie? Oh, no, no. The movie. Yeah, no, I cannot and will not. revisit any of those 90s, any of that run of 90s Christmas movies. They're just so hateful and miserable.
and irritating and i just want to see all these characters suffer miserably and there were so fucking many of them you've got this one you've got fucking christmas with the You've got the one where they're fighting over each other where it's the best light display. And it just...
And it was just, it's so mean spirited. And I'm just like, what, what is the entertainment value in this? So yeah, I'm shocked. And again, maybe, you know, we were adults by the time these movies came out, you know, maybe when you, if you were a kid. When they came out, they had a different whole, but the sentimental attachment to these movies blows my mind. And for the record, if you love Jingle All The Way, don't let...
us two ever talk you out of it. Enjoy what you fucking enjoy. My favorite Christmas movie is The Ref, okay? Featuring one... unconvicted criminal, a bunch of ringer actors, but it is completely mean spirited. So it. You know, but it's also not pretending to be joyful. Right. It doesn't have an unearned happy ending. Yeah. And so.
That is part of the tide that he's fighting against. And the other part is that his sort of film career was on life support in the way that he was because he had suffered. Heart arrhythmia And had to go in for Open heart surgery He was uninsurable Going into this movie And so They were spending a whole bunch of money and they're trying to like...
It's Arnold Schwarzenegger, the way you like to see him, murdering a bunch of people. Instead of a sci-fi concept, it's a horror concept. So it's not the worst idea. It's also the moment in time in which, and I'm not telling tales out of school here, Schwarzenegger's drinking was way out of fucking control. He was drunk a lot. And you can, when people say you look drunk in this movie, part of it is not just because the character is supposed to. Okay. I won't go into how I know a lot about this.
Only to be said that the man was not on his best behavior at this moment in time. Character actress Miriam Margulis, who is kind of a British institution, you may know her best as the landlady that is... molested by Alfie in, um, the apple. I, that's how I know her. Wait, wait, she's in, wait, she's in the apple. She is the landlady in the apple that, that.
Alfie or Abby? Oh, Alfie. Yeah, the blank-faced hero. Right, yes, yes, yes. Now I remember what you're talking about. And he sings her a song and then he grabs her boobs and she's like... That's right. What the fuck is going on in a movie where you say that every other minute? Let me go do the apple. I don't know. Considering that. Possibly our most popular episode on YouTube is Skate Town USA. Maybe we should do the apple for our mutual birthday celebration. Absolutely.
I cannot wait to discuss that movie every single minute. My notes will be a novel by the time. Also so stupid. It's charming, except it's genuinely charming. Yes, but that is one of those things where it is swinging so hard for such a wild idea. Like Satan comes back and takes over the earth. You could name a dozen movies off the top of your head where that happens. No movie on the face of the fucking planet goes where the apple goes. I will say it again.
My big game with the apple when I show it to somebody new is I hit pause after 10 minutes and I say, guess how this movie ends. I promise you, you will not guess correctly. Take a wildest fucking swing you got. You're never going to know how this movie ends, and they are never right. That being said, Miriam Margolis has claimed that on set during their big fight scene that Arnold, on purpose, farted in her face.
Just to do it or to get some kind of reaction out of her? I think, well, he is a known onset prankster. And maybe in his pickled mind, that was funny. She did not take it as such.
She has stated this publicly on multiple occasions, so I'm not telling Taylor's out of school there. It is also one of the most fun sequences in this movie when Arnold Schwarzenegger... is attacked by a 60-year-old woman and she... almost beats him and it is fun as fuck yeah but also at the same time it's like okay so what what why does she have demon strength i don't know
Could not tell you. Like, she's just, like, throwing him across the room and all. And I'm like, okay, does she have some sort of, like, infernal abilities to be able to do this? That is a good question, Gina. I really don't know. And... This movie, when it wants to do something, just does it. There's no internal logic to it. Shit just happens. Yeah, it is a movie in which Udo Kerr, he shows up.
in two scenes. And the last time you see him, he is looking slightly put out because Gabriel Byrne's about to have a three-way with his wife and daughter. We will get to it. End of Days was originally planned. to be the directorial debut of someone we've discussed before, Marcus Nispel. He was a music video director primarily. But in 1998, Variety published an article about a weird... 60-page writer that he had that he made clients sign for commercials and music videos.
And he survived this incident, but he now sells commercial real estate. So it did catch up to him eventually. But we talked about him because he directed the Friday the 13th reboot in 2009. Before that, he directed the Texas... chainsaw massacre reboot in 2005 a movie i still maintain is not the original by any stretch of the imagination but good and then he just stopped or life stopped him but i did want
to let everyone in this audience know some of the highlights from that 60-page writer he has that people had to sign to work with him. Let's see. Inform Marcus the exact moment a job falls through. He needs to stop thinking about an idea the moment it's not viable, Gina. I wish I had that ability.
For big stars, a pretty PA of their preferred sex should always be there to keep tabs on talent. The PA should be responsible for getting Marcus a vegetarian poo-poo platter for lunch and a Diet Coke to drink. I've never been to a set that has vegetarian poo-poo platters, but apparently... Marcus and Spall did. Let me clarify this. So this is when he was starting out? Yes. This is when he was directing C&C Music Factory. That he had this list of demands? Yes. And when he...
got hired to do this movie, out of nowhere, this list of demands gets published in Variety. And he basically goes back on the bench. for another four or five years. Yeah, I imagine so. My favorite, though, of all of them is Marcus never has baggage. We don't know if that's for his clothes, for his work stuff, or just emotionally. Marcus never has baggage. If I did the rider like that, Gina always has baggage.
What would be your meal that you would want a prettier, handsome PA of your preferred gender to bring you for lunch? Grilled cheese. Just a grilled cheese, yeah. I enjoy a good grilled cheese, honestly. I'm very good at making them because I feel like many of the grilled cheese I've served are not done correctly.
And I'm a snob about it. I mean, I suppose you could make the grilled cheese, hand it to the pretty PA of the gender of your choice, and then they could just hand it right back to you. Yes. I love that the pretty PA is not for him. He doesn't need prettiness. What he needs is someone to hand him vegetarian poopoo flatters.
But whoever the talent is, they better have some eye candy because that's the only way you can fucking control them. So after the Marcus and Spall debacle, they basically send this out to everybody. Among the names of people who turned it down include Ted Raimi and Guillermo del Toro. But then when this becomes sort of a weird, oh, this could possibly fail.
Now Arnold Schwarzenegger is really up in it because if the first movie back from heart surgery, the only movie you can get insured to do fails, he doesn't know if he's ever going to be able to come back. Like this might be it for him. So he dips into his Rolodex and pulls out the biggest name he has. James motherfucking Cameron. And so Cameron considers, he does not want to direct this. He's like, I've done Titanic. I don't need this shit. But.
If I were to think about who could make this sort of mix happen, who would it be? And the name he pulls out of his hat is Peter Hyams. Now, Hyams is a journeyman, but... He's made really interesting movies out of what would be normal genre exercises. I'm going to give you a list of just what I like out of his oeuvre. We got Capricorn one, which is fucking bug nuts. The Hunter, Telephone, Outland, a movie I goddamn adore.
2010, the year we made contact. Running Scared, a movie I watched endlessly in high school. Narrow Margin, Time Cop, which is, again, so dumb it's charming. sudden impact so dumb it's charming so he's coming into this off of two dumb charming movies that are action exercises one genre, the other vaguely sports related, but like, like he made good Jean-Claude Van Damme movies, Gina.
Yeah, and I can see where they would think he was a good match for this kind of material. In my estimation, they don't have to be everyone's, but I consider them generally fun flicks. So Himes... is also his own cinematographer. And that usually pays off in the sense that you don't have to pay for an extra cinematographer, but his love of everything dark starts to bite him in the ass.
In End of Days, but even before that, in the hardly seen, because you can hardly see shit, 1997's The Relic. Oh, boy. It's a movie made from a novel in which it jettisons a good three quarters of the novel. And that's neither here nor there. But what they do keep, they don't really execute well. I've heard people say.
This is a fun movie to revisit. I wouldn't know. I don't know where to find it. Every time I try to remember anything about the relic, I realize, oh, wait, I'm actually thinking about Mimic. Right. Another New York creature on the loose movie. Although maybe they put the relic in Chicago. I can't remember. One of these days I'll revisit it. But the relic really starts Himes.
true flop era, and it continues here in End of Days. Would it surprise you, Gina, that Arnold Schwarzenegger was not the first actor considered for Jericho Cat? I mean, I'd say considering the character's name is Jericho Cain, no, but this is also part of a long line of him playing characters who had... implausible names. I believe his character's name in the previously mentioned jingle all the way was Howard. Because when you look at Arnold Schwarzenegger.
You think, deep down, that's a Howard. That's a toe to tip. That's a Howard. We got ourselves a Howard. In true 90s fashion, the first person. whom producers courted for this role, was Tom Cruise, who politely, or not, I don't fucking know, said, no thank you. But the role of Jericho King was written for Arnold Schwarzenegger. The screenwriter Andrew W. Malone had previously written Air Force One. He would go on to write The Hollow Man. So that's what we're doing. I mean, I liked Air Force One.
yeah sure hollow man tough sell tough sell great director fun cast it just cannot get past how weird it is And that being said, it's not like the material's diametrically different when we get to Invisible Man. But Invisible Man's done so much better. better. Well, I mean, Invisible Man, I like the idea of, you know, I'm going to use this potion and just, you know, terrorize my ex-girlfriend. Yeah. Whereas...
Hollow Man is, you know, I'm going to use his potion and you just get real rapey with the ladies. I mean, I know the point of Hollow Man is that he was bad before and when you erase. responsibility of him being visible he regresses to his most animalistic nature i get it it just doesn't work whereas invisible man, he knows it's part of like, I can't be seen so I can make everyone think this woman.
is crazy because how can this be real right that's the whole idea is he's isolating her because you know he he is you know making seem like she's a attacking her friend's child and effectively, you know, pulling her away from everybody that she cares about, which is, you know, brilliantly awful. I am really looking forward to Wolfman.
And to see, because that seems like such a different way to come out a werewolf movie. I'm really interested in what that actually is. I, you know, I don't want to. I have a tendency to make up what could be a good movie in my mind. And I'm trying to do that less and less. Just let the movie tell me what the fuck it is instead of me prognosticating and being disappointed. It's not the movie I made up in my mind.
because that was the fucking point of making a whole movie and everything. Anyways, speaking of violence against women, it's not uncommon for multiple people to be considered for a role, but both Liv Tyler and Kate Winslet were originally supposed to be Christine York. They not only auditioned, they were booked one after the other. But Lord of the Rings saved Liv and Better Angels saved Winslet. And then...
That's when we get to cinema's kiss of death, Robin Tunney. Poor Robin Tunney. Listen, I do not believe that Robin Tunney is a bad person. All right?
I have heard nothing but nice things about her. So am I being harsh on Robin Tunney? Possibly. But Tunney's appeal on screen and what she is often cast in... baffles the fuck out of me even once she's landed on tv in like cbs police procedurals i just still did not get it why anyone would turn from the likes of live tyler and kate winslet to robin tunney as the natural progression is an absolute mystery to me that said the role she's asked to play
also sucks. I don't think. Kate Winslet, maybe. I don't think that. a Liv Tyler or much anybody else could have done. There's no rescuing. This is bad from the script on. I can't blame her for this. Is she not very charismatic? No. Does she look confused? more than scared most of the time yes yes but i mean that that more than anything else could just be you know poor direction you know given a you know a blank of a character you know it's like well what's my motivation uh well
you know, the devil wants to get with you, if you know what I'm saying, you know what I mean? And it's like, well, okay, but like, you know, the devil also looks like Gabriel Byrne. You know, am I scared of him? Am I kind of into it? Am I confused about this? Well, you know, I don't know. You figure it out. But it's also confusing. No one really can. She's never seen.
what this fucking guy is supposed to look like. She just is going to know when he's there. So it's not like, well, I can't stay. I, I, Gabriel Burns dick is just too fucking good. An idea. I got to jump. This scheme. that the the the devil i guess himself has come up with to to impregnate this specific woman because it absolutely has to be her Right. Because the stars align. She's the one because of stars. It's the stars fault after all. Right. So this elaborate 20 year long plan.
Well, really, the plan has been in motion for a thousand years, as they keep pointing out. But the next set of machinations for 20 years... is, okay, this nurse, I guess, who is there when she's born, is now 20 years later her stepmother somehow. Somehow. And also, whoever the fuck Udo Kier is supposed to be originally, he's just in this hospital.
And giving her this rattlesnake blood that they don't ever explain what that does. She's already marked. That's how they know it's her. She's got some kind of little teeny tiny mark on her. But 20 years later, he's somehow her psychiatrist. And I'm like, okay, okay, is this all stuff that the, like, you know, whatever would have had to happen that, you know, her mother's out of the picture and replaced with Miriam.
Margulies character and then also she is seeing a psychiatrist at some point who is Udo Kier did the devil make all that happen somehow How does he keep up with just running the trains on time in hell? And why does it have to be those two specific people? Wouldn't it be easier to just have sort of a legion of people? to, you know, kind of keep an eye on her.
A legion of people don't have access to rattlesnakes in a hospital. Here's an idea that would have saved everybody a lot of trouble since he can evidently take over people's bodies. orchestrate these year-long plans for a person to insinuate themselves into someone's life from birth. Why doesn't he insinuate a boyfriend into her life? That he could possess in the middle of when they're, oh, I don't know, having sex.
And then, and then he could impregnate her with the devil seed that way instead of like all this other, you know, elaborate bullshit. But how are you going to get machine gun fights into your boyfriend's been possessed by Satan and wants to sleep with you again? That's the problem when it comes down to it. This has to be some massive...
weirdo set up and plot. Otherwise you can't blow up subway cars. And that's what this movie is more interested in. They're trying to, what should be a small little thriller. about paranoia. And gaslighting becomes some sort of, you know, this is just a millennia-long conspiracy between the Catholic Church again. And, you know, Satan worshippers and who were the good guys? Well, we can't really trust the Catholics either because some of them think they should just kill her.
Instead of risking her giving birth to the Antichrist. Where are the albino monks who are constantly bleeding from the thigh getting through international borders in this movie? I don't know. It's not a great movie. But do you remember the movie The Seventh Sign? Yeah, yeah, but do me more. Yeah, that to me, you know, feels on a smaller scale that, you know, it is a slightly similar movie.
where you know she's pregnant and you've got this guy that you know she she thinks might be the devil but he actually turned out to be an angel and it's like it's more effective than this which is not saying much this movie isn't effective at all well i think it's effective in eliciting laughter i would say that it is very good that's that's true but it is like this is so much bullshit
And I'm not even interested in bringing in and ushering in the birth of the Antichrist. I'd already came up with an easier solution for it. Yeah, you'd improv that and you came up with a better movie. So, I don't know. It just, it really doesn't help that, at least in Robin Tunney's sense, that. She's alternatively the dumbest character in any scene, but she's also...
in many scenes with the other dumbest character, and that is Jericho. And that's really saying something, because Jericho believes he can kill Satan with guns. He tries so many times and is so mystified that it's not working. He's told over and over and over again, you're fighting Satan. He's like, yeah, but I've got a Glock. And you're like, my guy, you're not listening. And yet at the same time.
They kind of reverse that eventually, where it's like, I'm saying, oh, it was like the hidden, right? Where eventually, once their human form gets so damaged. they move on to another host. So now they're trying a little bit of that bullshit. I mean, it wasn't bullshit in the hidden. It was cool. But again, you know, be solid already. As you mentioned before, like everyone in this movie is slightly miscast with the exception of Gabriel Byrne because.
He knows you're supposed to remember the omen. Remember how arch and terse that is and has got a little operatic lift and he's trying to be mischievous with it and sexy. He's trying to have fun with it. But man, this movie. Just can't do intentional fun with the exception. No, I mean, he literally pisses fire and it's still like, it's not even, it's like still not fun. We'll get to it, Gina. We're already 40 minutes in.
We haven't started talking about the movie proper. This movie starts with three minutes of opening credits of Scrolls. That's all you need to know. How do we get an audience energized in 1999? The Matrix has come out. And this movie's like, how do we get, how do we grab an audience? And someone says, scrolls. That is genius. Then we get a Chiron. Vatican City, Rome.
as if someone might confuse it for Vatican City Orlando. Like, there's only one, guys. You don't have to tell me Rome. I'm surprised it doesn't go on to say... italy on top of it just in case you weren't sure where rome resided it's 1979 you're under a full moon and a comet and then someone unfurls more fucking There are more scrolls in the first five minutes of this movie than any other movie. I don't care if it's called The Scrolls.
And then giving off major Conclave vibes, Pope Jimmy the Mushmouth. is informed that this is the night that the woman who will eventually birth the Antichrist has been born. And he commands that Catholic priests be dispatched across the globe to find the girl born. that day who will eventually give birth to the Antichrist 20 years later. Oh, Jesus Christ, I'm already born. Yeah, no, it is so...
They're trying to make it seem complicated because I think that'll make it seem smarter. Really, people are... I've thought a lot about this. Yeah, you have all of this, you know, the signs point to she's born. Okay, the signs can't point to where she was born. But I guess he's got a team in place wherever. Why does...
Satan understands this blame, but the Catholic Church, who has it written down, does not. Don't ask these questions. They won't get answered. Christine's born. We already talked about Udo care, giving the baby a taste of rattlesnake blood. 20 years later, all right? Of all the years later we've covered, there's nothing that's brought a sense of dread to me quite like 20 years later in this movie.
A radio DJ from Friday the 13th, Jason Takes Manhattan, is back on the radio. Yeah, they establish a good... half dozen to a dozen times that we're getting close to New Year's Eve. It's really important we know. And the start of the new millennium, it's not. It's 1999, about to go into 2000. It is not the start of the new millennium. But they keep emphasizing that. So you know what that means? Of course that's when the Antichrist is going to be born. Yeah, and this came out the end of 1999.
People were fucking aware. And unlike Jason Takes Manhattan, who at least that DJ is like, ah, we need the juice that we get from terror. This guy's like, oh, it's all falling apart, baby. This is it. And you're like, not yet. in a golden era you don't fucking know it asshole uh anyways in a combination of downtown la and the universal backlog explodes when a predator devil bat
or PDB as I like to call it, causes earthquakes and explosions on his off-ramp to help. I guess why he couldn't become the boyfriend is that when he... He's only let out of hell when these specific star conditions happen. Right, but like, you know... Gina? You said it better than anything. There's really no answers to any of this, but to think you have a solution and just give up. What I mean, what I mean is, is that like, if he, if he orchestrated.
Miriam Margulies and Udo Kier to be able to stay in her life, you know, from birth till now, you know, why couldn't he just sort of orchestrate giving her a boyfriend? And then, you know, when he's allowed his one-day furlough from hell, which, you know, again, to me, you're Satan. You should go leave hell whenever you want. You know, then he could take over.
For however, the boyfriend's body for however long it takes to get her pregnant. You're absolutely right. But this movie is just discombobulated. I'm going to come up with one of my theories as we go here. I think this movie. Really gets going once this PDB, Predator Devil Bat, possesses Gabriel Byrne in the can, of all places. Gabriel Byrne then emerges from the men's room.
And molests one dinner date. And cucks another in under 30 seconds. And then that's all she wrote, baby. Because once he walks out the front door, that Italian restaurant goes a boom. I guess from sexual tension and I was on the lot the night they blew it up and about twice a year they have to blow something up in the middle of the night at universal it's just a safer place than blowing things up elsewhere and
Universal would tell the neighbors they were going to blow shit up in the middle of the night. They had to legally, and they did. But those neighbors would still... fucking complaint. I can't believe you blew shit up at two o'clock in the morning when you told me you would. They act as if... They had moved in before Universal was a movie studio when they had just gotten a good deal on the lease in 1993. I don't have a lot of sympathy for Universal's neighbors.
Meanwhile, Arnold Schwarzenegger is back at his Manhattan apartment on a private security guy's salary. And he's doing his best lethal weapon. And inside of his apartment. And who should arrive, Gina? But Kevin Pollack. Do you know what Kevin Pollack's name? Do you think Jericho Cain is a wild name? Do you remember what Kevin Pollack's character's name is? I just kept referring to him as Jersey Mike. You're not far, Gina. You're not far. His character name, official.
Is Bobby Chicago. Bobby Chicago. And he is fucking terrible. He is. lost in this movie he wants desperately to get some sort of like wisecrack or something like that in and it just the script stubbornly refuses to give him one and he just completely lost at sea. And Arnold Schwarzenegger doesn't want to say words. And when you leave that big of a vacuum, Kevin Pollack is going to fill it. And he's trying, but also what is the goddamn point?
Especially when you're in a scene where Arnold Schwarzenegger has been brought coffee, he puts it in a blender, and then he puts Pepto-Bismol beer, Chinese takeout. And floor pizza. And makes a smoothie out of it. And drinks it on camera. And again, this is what qualifies as character development. What does it say about him? As you say, this is a very lethal weapon session. Again, not the first or the last two.
Neither was lethal weapon, but, you know, the, the, the, you know, torture cop or, or, or ex cop in this case, you know, who's, who's still very sad that his wife and child have died. And so his, his life has completely gone to hell. that point uh you know and that's illustrated by him you know putting these making this disgusting drink and you know chugging it all down and acting like there's nothing you know that's perfectly normal so
Here's where I can tell that they tried some trickery after the fact. Because it turns out that Jericho and Bobby are running a security detail for the devil. But I believe in my heart of hearts. that this sequence was filmed previous. It was meant to be shown previous to Gabriel Byrne being taken over by the devil. Like, he's being saved.
for his eventual possession as the devil. Because it makes no fucking sense that he needs to... attend meetings and need personal security if bullets don't really fucking harm him what is the point of any of this to be honest with you i didn't even catch that they were already working for him Until I skimmed over the Wikipedia page, I'm like, wait, they already knew him? Right. I completely, I...
completely missed that. Well, they have not met him up until the point that Arnold Schwarzenegger takes a bullet for him, but... This being at this part of the movie makes no fucking sense. Whereas if it happened before that, it would make sense that the priest is trying to kill Gabriel Byrne because if you kill him, then the devil can't enter him. Right, Gabriel Byrne would have no idea that he would need extra security. Otherwise, why would an investment banker need a two-man...
security team looking out for him at all hours. It's way more than two men because once all the bullets start flying, of course Arnold Schwarzenegger calls for the chopper. And so the chopper lands. and they're in hot pursuit of this assassin. And all this shit was filmed in downtown Los Angeles, and you can't do this anymore. Like, you'll never see this kind of stunt again, where there's just...
A chopper landing on 7th Street downtown. But it turns out that the shooter is a priest that we met 20 years ago. And he tells Jericho that the thousand years is over, but he ends up... not having a tongue. So how he communicates that is never explained. I assume that the idea is that only... Jericho could like like like it's the conversation isn't really happening but like you know that it's already been predetermined
That Jericho is going to be the one that saves the world from the Antichrist. What kind of God, Gina? Listen, I'm just spitballing here. I'm taking you to the basement. What kind of God? It puts humanity's fate in the hands of Jericho Cain, a guy who made floor pizza smoothie. Hey, look, God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers, okay?
And they don't get any tougher than saving the world from the Antichrist. Then Jericho and Bobby Chicago, Borscht Belt Badass, go rogue. Although, they're not actually cops. Although Bobby Chicago wants to be. I don't fucking. It's wild. This movie wants to be seven so bad. Oh, yeah, yeah, totally. It's got that very, you know, everything's just covered in like a film. And they go to the priest, you know, hovel.
And, you know, he's got a picture in a jar. And they discover this is a rarity. We've already discussed, you know, in the recent past, a goose scare. But I was not prepared for a cat in a refrigerator, Sam. Who put the cat in the refrigerator? Like, that's supposed to scare me? That the cat is now free from certain death inside of a refrigerator? We've forgotten what horror movies are. If this is what, it passes for scariness. Like, I'm not sure if I...
After the third or fourth scroll, I actively stopped paying attention. But I don't understand, like, why... The priest has cut off his tongue and put it, you know, in a jar to keep it, you know, the juice is fresh. Yeah, he's to keep it fresh. Otherwise, that thing could go bad. But, like, I mean, it seems to me like if you are trying to, you know.
warn the world about the impending arrival of Satan and the Antichrist, keep your tongue. It makes it a lot easier to communicate. And when this is openly voiced, like... How does this equate this guy trying to take a shoot at a Wall Street banker? Arnold Schwarzenegger says, this guy's no ordinary hitman. And then... Bobby Chicago responds, yeah, he's an extraordinary hitman. And this was the first genuine laugh I had. Because you thought it was funny or because it was such a stupid dial?
I think it's so stupid, it does reach what you were talking about earlier. It's so stupid, it's charming. Because you could write that down. But only when you see it realized and all the hundred million dollars it took to make this happen. And you go, that's the best you can do. All you can do is that. Yeah, in the end, I'm just like, oh, the audacity. The audacity is constantly on display because when you finally meet adult Christine York, played by Robin Tunney, she's introduced with the...
I don't think any movie outside of Hackers displays the amount of hairstyle confidence that Christine York has in this motion picture. How would you go into a hairstylist and say, Give me the Christine York from end of days. Where would they start? How would it end? What would be left of us? It is astonishing.
I don't know if they're trying to glam her up or make her seem relatable. I don't know if it was ever considered. There are a lot of reasonably smart people involved in this movie who've all gone temporarily insane. or entirely insane. The subway sequence in this, in which she is confronted by an unhoused person who rants and raves that Satan... Wants to fuck her? Am I supposed to take that seriously?
I mean, to be honest with you, like, it's like, honey, did you just move here yesterday? Like, you get that freaked out about, like, a homeless man saying weird shit. That seems like an every other day fucking affair. I would be more scared if someone entered the train and said, it's showtime. I literally listened, overheard someone on the way home tonight talk about a recent ride on the train when a man walked on the train and proceeded to start setting fire to himself.
So a man coming up to say Satan's coming. He wants to fuck you. Yeah, whatever, you know. Just, you know, go to the next car, tell them about it. Listen, kudos to Brother Ali for that cameo. And that is a backpacker indie rap joke for three people. But Midnight Meat Train. has better subway scares. Yeah, I mean, the correct answer is, who doesn't? And let them go on their way. Gina, we learned something that I have trouble giving voice to. So I will let...
The constant TikTok meme of Jericho isn't just a bitch. He's a bitch with a backstory. Jericho's last name is Kane. And then Udo Kier's last name is Abel. So was Dr. Abel always a psychologist? Why was he in the morgue 20 years ago? Why is all this so fucking complicated? That's what I'm talking about. The thing, I was immediately lost with the big scary reveal that, oh, they're still in her life. The people that, you know.
did this ritual over her it's like but how how are they still how does how does a nurse when when you know in the hospital when you were born is somehow also your stepmother 20 years later How is this mysterious figure in the hospital basement and now you're a psychiatrist? Has he told you, you know, that he was there? Like, why not just have them be completely separate characters? I truly don't know. It doesn't make it scarier than the same, and it doesn't make it less scarier.
That they were different. Right, like there's no shock to the audience. You know, the shock is to Christine. But it's like, well, that's not, you know, you're not, you know, thrilling the audience. They knew these people were bad from the beginning. Right. Is her realization that they're the same people supposed to be scared? It doesn't make any fucking sense, but almost none of it.
Like, this movie has the temerity to make Robin Tunney voice out loud on camera in a lit set and ask the question, why am I so different? Baby, have you seen your hair? I have. I mean, yes, you're absolutely right. Like, why is Marianne Merrill's her stepmother? What was the dad like that this... And then it's revealed later on that Miriam O'Gallis was the in-house nurse when Robin Tunney's mom died. And then her dad...
And Miriam Margolis started fucking. And they got married. And you're like, what? Fucking what? Is it implied that she killed Christine's mother? I mean, or Christine's mother. was given cancer specifically to get her out of the way so that Miriam Margolis would have more access to her. So did the devil give Christine's mother cancer? And if so, I ask again.
Why couldn't he just possess some dude she goes out on a couple dates with and takes home with her? Because it's hard to kill some dude you go out on a date with with an M16. Hey, not really. Don't line them up with launched grenades. It doesn't mean as much. I don't know. I totally understand that the actual answer to my oft-repeated question here is, well, that wouldn't be as cool. But is what happens in here...
Cool. Well, you know, I mean, you know, again, I didn't see this when it originally came out. You know, I think by 1999 standards, yeah, it was kind of cool. Like big, we were in an era of big, stupid movies. Remember, this came out roughly around the same time as Armageddon, the stupidest movie I have ever seen in my entire life.
had observation and approval of what happened in the script and they read. And that's when the Russian space station blows up in a giant fireball in space. And they're like, yeah. Check, Mark. You can use NASA. There's always fire in space.
There isn't Star Wars. There's also laser swords and wizards. Not when NASA's fucking involved. You know, this was a time when you had movies like Dante's Peak, where the most dramatic scene is an elderly... jumping out of a a a boat into acid water and running onto shore and her legs were basically left to two little smoking pencil pencil knobs are you trying to help me revisit my crazy universe movies of the past because
That's what it sounds like, Gina. I love the boy LaGrandma, but only the bottom half. Top half has got to remain pristine. My point being is that we were kind of, and when I say we, I mean just on a cultural level. Sure, yeah. We really... like Hollywood was printing money in the 90s. And you could say, you know, I'm generally surprised that it seemed like there was a little trouble getting this made because it seemed like, you know...
day one, you know, something accepted on spec immediately. Yes, Arnold Schwarzenegger fighting the devil. Absolutely. How much can we pay you? I think on many respects, it might... might not have gotten made unless they could get it made and released by the end of 1999. That's the producer's belief that the hook was the end of days before... New Year's Eve, this will make bank. And it came in.
Like fifth. Because people, I think people were a little burned out at that point on end of the world stuff. Yeah. And, you know, beyond the fact that it is a... giant piece of shit but but but you know but but it should have worked yeah and especially with peter heinz like he's made better out of worse so it is weird that it just
doesn't really coalesce my whole time and watching it i'll tell you the whole time i was watching it i was thinking i feel like watching the prophecy again you ever see the prophecy yeah yeah I worked in a video store. Exactly, exactly. You know, Prophecy, you know, much smaller movie. Right. You know, it's, you know, I would say that it's, the plot is really much smarter.
Then the plot of End of Days. But, you know, they're similar. You know, just, you know, the twist is that, you know, the villain here is actually an angel. But the devil does show up. In one scene. And. It is Viggo Mortensen, probably most people's introduction to him as an actor. Sure. And he basically steals the entire movie.
With this, like, five-minute scene. The way the devil steals the entire movie in Constantine. Right. Which is as grandiose as End of Days, but ultimately, as serious as it takes itself. It finds a way to do it in a more interesting way. It's also smarter about casting than this is because... About 45 minutes into this, we're introduced to Rod Steiger. That name sounds familiar. We last discussed him on the show when he...
Wilted at the very idea of flies and puked in a car so bad. Absolutely. Most useless priest in film. He puked in a car so bad he had to retire to a farm upstate. To be with other priests like him in the Amityville Horror. And you're absolutely right. Watching that movie again is so crazy because it... I'm stymied by how popular it was. I'm sure there's something in the zeitgeist at the time. But also, it's like the anti-exorcist. Because in the exorcist, the priest...
are the only people who know what to do and can fix the problem. And then you get to the Amityville horror, and none of these fucking Catholics can do shit. No, no, they're useless, and they're useless here too. But, like, my point about the prophecy and you bringing up Constantine is what makes these, you know, appearances by...
by the devil memorable, is they are both one scene. And as much as I think that Gabriel Byrne is the only actor in this movie... who knows what kind of movie it is, I think a tactical error is how much he actually is in it. And I think to make it a better and more suspenseful movie is to sort of treat it like a fallen kind of thing where he's just moving from person to person.
And, you know, nobody knows who they can trust. And here it's like, oh, well, they're all the devil's minions. It's like, well, that's no fun. Yeah, but they also suck. They suck at their jobs. It makes Satan look like a big dummy, like he's a bad boss. Yeah, he doesn't. Like I said, he chooses half-crazed homeless people and incompetent.
cops to do his dirty work but they're also fighting the biggest bunch of dummies on the face of the planet because rod steiger has a bunch of cyber priests in a basement listening to a woman with stigmata yakking at them in latin and then they cut to a computer and it's translating latin into english and you're like in 1999 what the fuck are these people running
It's like, okay, so you're a bunch of priests. None of you know Latin? We get free transfer of our words into something you can read via Apple. It still can't understand. Welcome to Kill by Kill. It still cannot pick that up. But you're telling me in 1999, this whatever, this Dell can fucking figure out what this woman is saying? No. I also really enjoyed the moment in which Gabriel Byrne sees people skating at 30 Rock, and he's just like, ice.
You're like, what am I supposed to gain out of this? This movie is nearly two hours long. What do I get out of the devil doesn't get ice skating? Well, because it's cold, see? And where he's from, things are hot. Which is why he comes back to New York City on December 31st. And he's pent up as shit. Because when he goes to Dr. Abel's house, he cucks him out of a wife and daughter for a three-way.
in which they begin to CGI shunt into one another while Limp Bizkit plays in the fucking background. Well, it is 1999. Yeah. It's the only thing that's accurate. If you're going to have a three ways, eventually they're going to shunt into one another. Yeah, I mean, if the devil's going to listen to anything, it's going to be limpistic. This might actually be the most 1999 movie of all of 1999. I think it's the worst of 1999 rolled into one film.
It's not anything that... It's like I said earlier about it is all of the worst qualities of 90s action films. Big and stupid and we don't have to explain shit. because you're too dumb to care. But then it's constantly explaining shit that doesn't matter, like the radio reports of random acts of violence committed by satanic cults in order to disrupt New Year's Eve events. After like a half dozen or so explosions in like 24 hours, they're still having the big Times Square party. Yes.
This is really pre-9-11 New York. You're like, hey, Italian restaurants explode all the time. Right. It's not even like, oh, well, people are rebelling against a curfew. But no, no, this is still like the official. televised party that they're doing subway explosions and restaurant explosions and satanic cults on the loose but we still gotta see that ball drop
It doesn't make a lick of sense, and not in a good way. It's not even like I'm just going to sit back and vibe on this. This movie is not a vibe. No! When the devil... gets access to a special part of the hospital by calling out a pedophile. You're like, oh, if you molest boys, you can get access to anything? I don't understand how this fucking works. The devil comes in.
And kills this priest, but not enough. So when CCH Pounder and Kane and Bobby Chicago show up, they're like, uh-oh, he's crucified. And then turns out. Not enough because that pedophile cop shoots him in the head when he wakes up. And then mere minutes later, the devil meets a corn fan and is like, you know what? You get final destinationed into a bus.
Why? I don't know. Maybe he likes to ice skate. I don't understand. It's like they have to keep piling up dead bodies. Otherwise, they'll get bored. Well, yeah. We need to emphasize that this is a really bad guy. It's like, yes, I know. He is literally. The devil. He's literally the devil. You don't have to make him worse. I get it. He's a bad guy. But he doesn't like skateboarders and guys that wear hats that look like dreadlocks. Neither do I. What do you want?
If I can say one really good thing about this movie is that it realizes you need a dark microfiche scene. And the way it does it is they look up Christine's driver's license. On a blue iMac. Just want you to know. I, too, owned a blue iMac. So this was the moment I felt like, is this made just for me? I'm still trying to also figure out how they jump from that the guy has Christ in New York.
tattooed over his body in the house. Again, I think I was actively half-checked out at this point, but how they determined that it actually says Christine York. Well, that's the genius of Bobby Chicago. That's why you have Bobby Chicago on the team. Because he starts riffing. And he's like, what does that mean? York Christ Chris York?
christine york and they're like ding ding ding ding let's get to the blue imac i bet we can look that up and they do they say there she is there she is the sweaty christine york off of her elliptical And the pre-assassins are there to kill her at her brownstone. They kill a butler. They fill up a bath. Why do they fill up the fucking bathtub after they stab him?
What is the point of that? Yeah, no, I missed that one too. The devil wants Christine delivered like she's in Uber Eats or something. And when Abel fails him because there are police outside of the brownstone. Udo Kier gets punched through the head, and that's a picture wrap for Udo, everyone. And then Jericho finds a clue in Christine's house, and Christine and him see a naked tiny person orgy in an apple.
It sounds stupid when you explain it that way. Sure. I mean, when you see it visually, like, oh, my God, I'm haunted by that image. But when I say it, it does sound very, very stupid. Outside, beloved character, Bobby Chicago. and two unseen New York police patrol officers are murdered by flaming and then explosive...
pee. That is the thing that happens in this movie. I am not making that up. As you pointed out the other day, that now makes it the second movie we've covered that involves flaming pee. We have only covered... Two incidents of magical flaming pee on this show. Here at Nightmare on Elm Street 4. And it's just two times. That's not a lot. But it's weird that it has happened twice. If someone has a third.
please let me know, and I will schedule that movie in 2025. That's my guarantee to you, the Kill by Kill listener. If this movie ended 20 minutes after Flaming P, I think it would be a classic. But it is then I looked at the counter and realized there's 60 minutes left. Oh, the pacing in this movie is on for...
Giveable. This is when I start to check out. And I'm thinking about, oh, they did that explosion on Boston Street on the Universal Backline. And that's where I would play the theme to Beretta. To quote Beretta directly. This is straight from the Wikipedia. Beretta is often seen with an unlit cigarette in his lips or behind his ear. His catchphrases include, don't do the crime if you can't do the time. You can take dat.
to da bank and that's the name of dat tune that is how it's spelled out I've never seen an episode of Beretta the theme song is fucking kick ass I'm going to continue here. When exasperated, he occasionally speaks in asides to his late father, Louis Beretta. He drives a rusted out Miss Blue.
1966 Chevrolet Impala four-door sedan that he is nicknamed the Blue Ghost. He frequents Ross's Billiards Academy and refers to his numerous girlfriends as his... cousins this was on national television gina and it's smarter what the nonsense that i just spoke about for a full fucking minute
is smarter than end of days. I was going to say, I'd be happy to talk about episode of Beretta. Did you know that Beretta was actually, they did a version of Beretta with a completely different person and they're like, fuck that. Let's get in another actor who will eventually murder his wife to play Beretta. And it rained for three more seasons. Oh, I love when they just swap out an entirely different actor. Like, fuck it. We're calling it the Hogan family now. And it's just a different show.
but we'll keep the spotlight on it. Anywho. I don't know where we are. Somehow we're like, we are. over an hour into this episode and we are not even an hour into the movie. This is the thing. I told you I had too many fucking notes on this. It just... Everything is something that needs to be commented on. Are you willing to sit through this again for a commentary? Yes. Yes. I think that's the only, I think that's the only way.
That we can, although we're just going to be like talking over it the entire time. I think people, you know. And I've gotten attuned to what our commentaries are like at this point. You have to see with your own eyes. Arnold Schwarzenegger have fisticuffs with a 60 year old woman and nearly lose. You know how people like make fun of how in.
in Predator when he's fighting he's like he is at his absolute gruntiest and when he's having that fight at the end The spirit decides, ah, fuck it, I'll just possess him instead. Or when Satan, when, you know, he determines that Gabriel Byrne's body is, you know, finally taken to a beating and, you know, he has to find a healthier host to decide to take him over.
And so, you know, I guess your soul, depending on how pure your soul is, you know, sometimes it takes a little longer to possess you. So you get to see Arnold Schwarzenegger being thrown around by an invisible force.
and just you know the grunting and the Schwarzeneggering and and it's just like again like am I supposed I don't think I'm supposed to think this is funny but this is very funny it's hard not to laugh in it when Robin Tunney of all people's forced to say this line about satan he's in my dreams nightmares really he makes love to me i've been making love to him my entire life
Like when you were five? What the fuck is going on here? Why is this happening to us? Why did we decide to talk about this movie? It is nearly midnight where you are. And I have... So many more things that I have written down to say about this stupid fucking movie. Like, Jericho yeets Satan out of multiple windows in this movie.
multiple windows he's just like bye satan he keeps thinking he can throw him in back into hell and it never fucking works bobby chicago gets resurrected and jericho's not like I thought you blew up and Bobby Chicago was like, I got better. And he just like, doesn't think this is a problem right up until the point that Bobby Chicago completely fucking. fucks him over for Christine and takes him back to the devil. And then they have a giant fight in one of New York City's famous alleyways.
And Jericho is crucified on the third story of a fucking warehouse. But don't worry, he gets better because he's got some bandages. Just. Again, it sounds stupid when you put it that way. At one point, like the devil finally gets Christine and is like, okay, time to have sex. But first.
Let's do some set decoration. And they have this giant flaming circle and torches and dudes show up in robes and you're like... Yeah, and all of a sudden now it's important to the devil that she wants it. And it's like, what are you... fucking care you're the devil were you trying to charm the panties off of her by killing all these other people before this like was that your idea of romance
the fuck is going on now he's like stroking her cheek and like and i'm like what just get it over with like you could have a baby by now but he has to make this some sort of pure moods-like music video. And Jericho, of course, shows up with a couple of holes in his palm. Not that it matters to him at all. And... He's stopped by Bobby Chicago and he's like, please, Bobby Chicago, don't listen to the devil. He's like, okay, I won't. And then he's touched.
The devil himself gives the invisible flame and touch, Genesis style, to Bobby Chicago, and he slowly goes up in flame. You chose not to be blown up to go slowly into flame? Oh, my God. And then this is the moment where Jericho goes, oh, that's right. I have grenades. And he just grenades the fuck out of everybody. It's even wilder than Cobra.
and cobra at least he's machine gunning down axe murderers while in motion he's a standing target and none of these devil worshippers have brought a knife or a gun. Nevertheless, a gun rack to have several guns to fight back against this fucking guy. The devil can... work this out 20 years in fucking advance, but I never thought maybe I should have some armed fucking guards around here. No, he's got a blind guy watching the door. The devil has a blind guy.
Watching the door. This is part of his thousand-year plan to bring about the Antichrist. Using blind people as his guards. This is no disrespect. to our blind listeners but I'm not going to put you in charge of watching the door that's not good for you that's not good for me that's just not good business I don't care how much darkness you see in Arnold Schwarzenegger. We can all smell the darkness wafting off of him. Anyways.
There's a long-ass subway chase sequence, which they mostly did in miniature, and for the time actually looks pretty good. And my favorite part of it is when a subway operator gets Mortal Kombat. by a double who reaches through his back and yanks out his heart. That's the only cool part. And that's when Jericho yeets that motherfucker out of a moving train and he gets all gristly and Satan's just like.
Well, I'm not going to stay in this meat bag who's been invulnerable to explosions, but suddenly has problems with a little trip out of a moving train. How does Satan work in this movie? That's the question I keep asking. It's like, why is he making all this so much harder than it has to be? I don't understand it at all. And then we finally get to this big showdown.
inside of a church with a CGI monstrosity. They actually built a nine-foot tall, six-foot long version of the PDB, and they never used it. It's all CGI. They just scorpion kinged this motherfucker and it looks terrible. And so now that Satan needs a body, he jumps into Jericho's and we get this. As you mentioned, this very amusing sequence in which Arnold Schwarzenegger struggles against evil inside of him. And you're like, oh my, oh, buddy, honey.
No. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, just stop it. Stop it. It doesn't, it lasts too long, but finally Jericho. you know, realizes I can take fate into my own hands and he leaps onto a conveniently placed statue stored. And we get to see the worst CGI fire slash heartburn commercial ever committed. Oh my God, this fire. Yeah, then we forgot that like...
We mentioned that he's very sad because it's his wife and child. Oh, forgot all about his flashback. He gets visited by the ghosts of murder past. And at one point, Gabriel Byrne offers to... bring them back, which I, again, I cannot emphasize this enough. If you can resurrect the dead. There are infinitely easier ways you could have gone about this impregnating thing. None of it makes sense. Of course, he's reunited.
with the wife and child with this absolutely unearned sappy ending where it's like it's almost like the ending of Ghost. Where, like, you hear, like, unchained melody and there's, like, you know, the mother and the wife and kid. You have to see it for yourself. It's... Yeah, I mean, I said at the beginning, you know, you don't feel like you have to watch it. But that's the thing. We've been talking about this for almost an hour and a half. And there's so much we missed.
We haven't even gotten to choose your own death venture where we decide of the deaths in the movies, which one would we choose and why? This is nearly an endless list. Explode in a restaurant. Shatter on a subway. Hit by bus. Your hair. Happens to approximate white guy dreads. Shot in legs, crucified on a ceiling in a hospital room, then shot in the head by a pedophile. That's one person. Stabbed, placed in a bathtub for some reason. Punched through the head.
exploded by magic flaming P times three, lose a fight to Arnold Schwarzenegger, get glass shard shoved in your neck by Satan. shot to death in one of New York City's famous alleyways, stabbed in the head with a very sharp crucifix, neck snapping, beat to death in an alley, shot while wearing a robe, lit on fire. Just a lot more slowly than the first time. Explode in a factory via grenade. Shot in a subway tunnel. Shot in a subway car. Mortal Kombat.
get meat grindered off a subway car and leap onto a sword of all fucking things. Gina, what say you? I mean, I got to do that Mortal Kombat one. That's like the only, only. Other than Gabriel Byrne, that is like the only highlight of this movie. Well, that's to say you don't want to get magic pea-flamed to death, which becomes explosive for some particular reason.
The first time you're dead before you really know it. That's true. That's true. So that just about does it. You can find us on your socials, particularly. on Blue Sky or Threads Instagram. We even have the Facebook group where we have fun discussions. Join us on Patreon, where we do lots of extra stuff for you, like chat by chat, bonus episodes, and movie commentaries. much more.
And of course, you can rate and review us on iTunes or your podcatcher of choice. Gina, where can people find you on these here internets? I write about movies and television and pop culture on my sub stack. Gina watches things that sub stack dot com. I am mostly on Blue Sky under Gina Does Things. Do it today, people. Check it out. Of course, the body count will continue for myself and for Gina. Bye-bye, everybody. Bye.