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It's Later with Mo Kelly on KFI a M six forty Live Everywhere on the iHeart App. I'm Mark Ronner. It's the Runner Report and Tonight we stare uncomfortably at Hard Eyes. There's a number of Valentine's Day themed horror movies, most notably My Bloody Valentine and A Remake of It because we needed a remake of My Bloody Valentine. There needs to be plenty of horror movies for every holiday
because normal holiday movies tend to be unbearably cheesy. Valentine's Day, especially though, because it's mostly one of those Hallmark generated holidays when all the restaurants are crowded and you're expected to blow a lot of dough on perfunctory gifts, and most people don't need them or want them, but if you don't, there can be repercussions. So a V Day
horror flick is kind of a minor active rebellion. If we've got to do Valentine stuff, let's combine it with watching irritating characters get knocked off in grotesque ways, so that brings us to Hard Eyes. It is a rom com, slasher horror perpetrated just in time for Valentine's Day.
Here's a little bit of the trailer.
In the past two years, a masked maniac known as the Hard Eyes Killer has stock and brutally swaying couples on Valentine's Day, with no moto yet uncovered.
This is more than just.
He's like Cupid with a kink.
We're being chased by a being serial killer. Yes, he's going to keep killing people.
Yeah, let's end it there. That's your premise. A serial killer who kills couples and has red, glowing heart shape lenses in his official serial killer mask. He hones in on a young guy and a woman who aren't a couple yet, but who met cute and happened to work at the same ad agency in Seattle. I have no intention of learning their names or spreading them to you.
Like an std the not a couple things quickly be m you like that they're not a couple, and the fact that they're not a couple becomes a really tedious running joke without intending to. It really reminded me of a much funnier bid in Andy Warhol's Dracula, where Dracula can only drink the blood of virgins, which he pronounces weird jins and the hero has to check off. Yeah, exactly like Chekhov. It's udo kir. The hero of that movie has to heroically make sure he saves the lives
of women nearby him by making them expurgents. Now, when I talk about jokes in this movie, that's in quotation marks that you can't hear because as a comedy, Hard Eyes isn't funny, and as a horror movie it's not scary. This is actually the kind of thing I'd be okay with Elon Musk's doge eliminating for not being efficient at anything it's supposed to be doing. Jordana Brewster from those unwatchable Fast and Furious movies plays a cop with a partner and their names are Hobbs and Shaw.
Get it. That's what passes for a joke in Hard Eyes? Get it? Are you serious? Not getting no way?
They are named after characters from the Fast and Fury universe, and that's a bit Oh gosh, she's the biggest name in this movie, and I swear I could almost see her cringe during some of the line deliveries. That's how bad this is. Also, I don't need everything to make sense, especially not in a comedy, an alleged comedy. But nothing
makes sense. And hard Eyes starting with how a machety brandishing guy with a mask and heart shaped eyes just walks all around Seattle without any interference, covered with tattoos and maybe septum rings or one of those big ear stretch hoops, you'll blend right in mask, in a machete in Seattle. You might as well be walking around with an open umbrella. You're gonna get accosted, possibly scolded. Here's the thing, though, how do you know when a comedy
making fun of something is just doing the thing? Or to put it, like Beavis and butt heead would. What if something making fun of things that suck also sucks? What if it doesn't matter if something stick or if it's genuine because the end results the same, you know, like and Culter. The only thing that could have made this experience worse was the only other guy in the theater with me, who was having full volume cell phone
conversations through the whole movie. I think maybe even some arguments. Now. I turned around to face him fully give him the stink eye, and for a good long time didn't even give him pause. His face was fully illuminated by his phone through the whole movie. But at the same time, I'm not completely sure I could blame him. I mean, I wanted to separate his head from his body, but I sort of understood where he was at. Here's your pull quote, publicist, hard Eyes. It's not about Kevin Hart
getting stabbed in the eyes. Or how about this Hard Eyes may be the new worst thing I've ever seen. How can I be sure? Sometimes you just know? Or here's another one. Here's another one. Take someone you love to see Hard Eyes for Valentine's Day in lieu of serving divorce papers. When I mentioned I was seeing this movie, I believe MO, you asked me some sophomoric question about whether anyone had a heart shaped ass, and I would watch ninety minutes of just a camera on an ass
instead of this movie if I could have. Oh, here's one more for the publicist. I did not heart Hard Eyes poop emoji. Have I made myself clear?
MO?
Have I?
Yes, you did not enjoy either the experience in the theater or the movie on screen.
Now it has reminded me, though, that there weren't enough impalements on the old Heart to Heart TV show. You remember that, I sure do. Robert Wagner, Stephanie, Stephanie Powers, the girl from Uncle. I think Grizzly Deaths would have made me enjoy that show much much more than I did.
But we've talked about this before.
It's still going to make its money and make someone else some money, it might.
And it's actually gotten some decent reviews. I think it's up.
We're around eighty three ish percent or so on Rotten Tomatoes, which I just cannot fathom.
I can't.
There's an old philosophical maximum, and I think I've mentioned it on the show before, that if you and another person see the same exact thing and you have completely differing opinions on it, one of you must be insane.
I'm not the insane one. This movie's terrible.
Well, we rarely agree on anything, so one of us is insane.
If you and I went to this movie and we came out of it and you said, wasn't that great? I would perform a mercy killing on the spot.
Yeah, you wouldn't have to worry, because I don't go to these types of movies, and I doubt I would find any of them great.
Also, I think starting this year's slasher movies are gonna be horror movies about slashing government programs, So they're gonna have to start calling actual slasher movies where you just kill one person at a time something else. I mean, honestly, I don't see a slasher flick called say Usaid that shows thousands of poor foreign kids dying of starvation and disease. Not much of a crowd pleaser, or a slasher film called Social Security, no thumbs down, low rotten tomatoes score.
I don't know. Some people are enjoying the moment thumbs down from me.
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