@MrMoKelly & “The Rahner Report”

he's at a check stand in a Kroger store. So death comes after them, one by one, and fairly gruesomely. If you've been following the headlines about our federal aviation administration lately, that first movie might be a little bit much at the moment. And no, there's no way I'm going to run through the plots of the next four

Final Destination movies, because that would entail watching them. But there are some ground rules for the Final Destination deaths through all the movies, which you heard a bit of in the trailer. People die one by one in the order they would have if they hadn't cheated their deaths. Like student alone borrowers, you thought you could get out of this awful thing, think again. And if you die and are resuscitated somehow, that can get you out of it. Or if you take someone else's life, you can have

that person's lifespan. So aim for babies, I guess, although that makes you a dirty, filthy murderer. Tony Todd plays the mortician who explains these rules to each new group of doomed young people. You heard him a little bit in the trailer, and we get a kind of origin for him. In this sixth movie, Final Destination Bloodlines. Todd had cancer while filming essentially a cameo in this, and

he died in November. In Bloodlines, the young woman played by Caitlin Santajana has nightmares about the collapse of a building that really looks like the Space Needle back in nineteen sixty three, but isn't now. I'm not an engineer, but I'll just say the horrific lapse of this building and all the deaths are hilarious, and I hope the actual space needle isn't constructed like it's made of gingerbread and wet toilet paper. I still have friends there without

spoiling much. I'll tell you that people saved from that. Say it with me. Cheated death, cheated death, cheated death. And it was back in nineteen sixty three, and the survivors had families. None of the descendants should exist, that's right. They're all death anchor babies and they gotta go. So the girl with the nightmare premonitions as her hands full

get into the bottom. I can't believe it. The girls got to figure all this out and try to keep herself and her irritating family from dying in a variety of gross out Rube goldbird deaths. It's some over the top stuff, pretty sick, but it's all brief and intermittent. And I have a theory the characters are also irritating and unlikable that not only was I not the least bit bothered by any of these gory deaths, I was grateful that each of the characters would now shut the

hell up. Congratulations, filmmakers. I felt nothing when your characters die. I now watch Dawn of the Dead from nineteen seventy eight. Every death hurts, even when you expect it. Learn from this. The only sad thing in Bloodlines is saying goodbye to Tony Todd, who looks rough. He had cancer. You might also remember him from Candy Man, the good One, not

the remake. One thing equal parts funny and irritating about final destination Bloodlines is the girl with the premonitions gets ultra paranoid and sees potential death and absolutely everything or rake on the ground, everything which is a possibility in the universe they set up, but also in this universe. I mean, I take the four to Zho five every day, all right. I'm also the same age as my mom when she died really young, and I'm older than my father,

who died even younger. I got some junk DNA. I could go any time, maybe during the show. This pizza could be my last meal. Also, do you remember the House MD show with you Lori? I wrote several scripts for a mobile game for that for NBC Universal, and the game was never released. They abruptly shuttered the whole department before I before I touched the keyboard to start writing my my first script. I can't tell you how many episodes of House I watched with all the medical mysteries,

maybe one hundred. And eventually, every time I felt so much as a twine or I had a cough or spotted anything that seemed remotely off, I started freaking out and thinking I was dying. You would too. So what I'm saying is I don't need these final destination movies because they're not escapist fun. And I say this is

a big horror fan too. Now I'm in the minority because this movie had an insane ninety three percent positive rating on Rotten Tomatoes last time I checked, and it's expected to be the eight hundred pound gorilla at the box office this weekend too. Now you can believe those hacks, or you can believe me. I need to explain to you again that my fellow pro critics do not and

have never been into horror films. They've never gotten them and generally looked down their noses at them because they'd rather be watching something like a Nora or Amelia Perez. You think John Carpenter got any respect from these typists when his movies were actually in theaters. Uh huh. So take that ninety three percent with a big ass grain of salt which could get buried in your eyeball and you to stumble into a wood shipper. It's a bloody

good time blow it out your tailpipe. These filmmakers confuse drawing out something really obvious with tension, and that's all sandwich between poorly written family drama to make you grateful for a wake up death. Yes, I'm admitting I dozed off briefly. Bloodlines is a nice looking movie. And if you're on a date where you're not so much paying attention between the elaborate, gross out deaths, I guess you're sitting in the dark with somebody for a couple hours.

It's a passable movie for people who don't care about movies and think they might be getting busy. But that's not your pull quote. Here's your pull quote, publicists, Final Destination bloodlines more like Final Destination. There's more mo but I think you get the picture.

and trembling and said, Master, just now. When I was in the marketplace, I was jostled by a woman in the crowd, and when I turned, I saw it was death that jostled me. She looked at me and made a threatening gesture. Now, lend me your horse, and I will ride away from this city and avoid my fate. I will go to Samara and their death will not find me. The merchant lent him his horse, and the servant mounted it, and he dug his spurs and its flanks, and as fast as the horse could gallop, he went.

Then the merchant went down to the marketplace and he saw me standing in the crowd, and he came to me and said, why did you make a threatening gesture to my servant when you saw him this morning? That was not a threatening gesture, I said, it was only a start of surprise. I was astonished to see him in Bagdad, for I had an appointment with him tonight in Samara. Do you get it? You understand now how this dumb Final Destination movie could have been good.