You're listening to Later with Mo Kelly on demand from KF I A M six forty.
SAMSI a sex stop. He's a samsu sex Stop. He's a sax do stop, sex dox dot sext.
Key stop.
Later Later with Mo k if I am six forty.
We're live on YouTube, Facebook, Instagram and the iHeartRadio app letst talked to the sex doctor.
He is now in the building, Sam Z, how you doing, brother? Not bad?
I'm glad that I am here. I I just had a you know, because I'm a marrigean family therapist. I just had a session with some people, and sometimes you carry some energy from people, and it just makes me happy that I came over here and felt the energy shift in the right directions.
I get that. I actually do. I understand that.
Tonight, I'm gonna let you know in advance we're gonna have a spirited discussion and we're also going to go straight to the hallway after this segment. So if you have questions and you're amongst the Mo migos and you want to put it in the Motown chat, go ahead and we'll answer those questions, which are probably better suited for the hallway than live on air.
You know what to do? Sam, Where are we going to start tonight?
Well, I was, you know, as usual, perusing through social media, and I saw a meme that came up where guys would say, if they could have any sound effect accompany them as they're getting aroused, what would it be? And the one that the guy in the video had was the sound of No, it was the sound of when Mario finishes a level in Mario Brothers. Stephan find that one for reference sake. Now personally, and I think I had I had to talk to Stefan about this one.
My personal one is having the sound of a lightsaber turning.
On the Okay, I'm gonna be honest with you, I've never thought of a sound effect. Thank you. Definitely precisely wave that lightsaber around.
Now.
Of course, anybody, if you have any other ideas for funny sound effects to go if then please hit us up on the chat and stuff like that. But uh, now, also, there's a sound effect for when you know you don't quite reach arousal.
You know, those moments where you don't get quite to the top.
Yeah, those little tiny moments where you feel a little insufficient and insecure there's a sound effect that should go with that as well.
I'm sorry, but I've never associated sound with that particular act or approach to the act.
Yeah, my head tends to wander during sex.
So you have.
A soundtrack? Is there music playing in your head? Oh? Yeah, constantly.
Yeah, I'm not thinking about video games. Maybe I'm just wrapped a little bit differently. Maybe if there was a theme playing in my head, Rocky would be a little bit on the nose, that would be I could see that. Yeah, it would be a movie soundtrack, No Easy Way Out Rocky four. Yeah, I see what you did. But with that is the precursor.
Yeah.
Now for me, obviously, I'm getting older in the years and uh, you know that sound effect of the price is wrong sound effect tends to come up a little more often now as I'm getting older, and you know, it can get embarrassing for guys as we get older to go and talk to their doctors about you know, the body parts not working the same way that they used to. And it's hard, you know, doctors are you know,
especially if it's a male doctor. You don't want to necessarily admit something where you're not as virile as you were. In the past, and if it's a female doctor, forget about it. But for men, the ability to control and maintain arousal during sex is something that has a huge impact on mental health.
It's a new age because not only can we actually talk about it on the radio, they are also products available on the general marketplace, which are advertised all times of the day.
Yeah, what would you say about that evolution?
Where is it society getting a little bit more mature or is it they've just found a way to monetize it.
Well as sex has been commoditized without question, there's and you can make money off of it and everything like that. And we are up on I think or we just passed the twenty seventh year birthday of viagra. It's been almost thirty years we had the viagra. Babies are almost hitting thirty years old. Now, okay, let's back up for people who may not know. Viagra originally was a blood
pressure medicine. Yeah, that's what they were testing it for. Yeah, and then as a side effect they realize, wow, it made things work and it brought life to people who had felt sexually dead.
And you would think about it if you're talking about blood pressure medicine. You're already dealing with a demographic probably on the other side of forty yeah, probably.
Yeah, now, And something that can affect that is obviously anxiety, and you know, performance anxiety is a thing for a lot of guys, especially when we get older. If it's things aren't working, we tend to put more pressure on ourselves.
So if you don't want to take the medication route, you got to start actually working on relaxation methods, deep breathing exercises, yoga, things like that, just so that you carry more of a sense of peace and calm with you, so that you won't anxiously block your arousal down the line. Not everybody is as good at mastering their anxiety as others, so for them, the medication is something that can absolutely help. There's viagra and sialis. Those are the two major players in the game.
Let me ask you this, and you may not know, but why is it that there are only two major players in the game. Isn't there I thought there'd be more research and possibly more entrants into that industry by now because it's so lucrative. Well, there's it's obviously very lucrative. But if a product is working. There's no point in trying to adjust it or make it sialis. It works in its own way. It's effective up to thirty six hours more.
It's more effective for people who are just like spontaneously going through their day and they you know, they're not planning on when they're gonna do it.
They're just gonna do it at some point.
At some point, viagra is like we're ready to go, and thirty minutes from now, I'm we're gonna have some fun. Oh I didn't know the difference, Okay, And just that lasts up to six hours, so and if it does last more than four hours, you should see your doctor. Absolutely, a condition called priatism is real, and the way you treat it, the way doctors treat it is not something you want to experience that it involves needles in the draining of blood from that, and it's something that I'm sure,
I'm sure some people have had viagra horror stories. I for one, have had one viagra horror story, and it happened about twenty something years ago, back when it was like new on the market, and.
I was like, I got to see what everybody's talking about. I didn't need it. I was like twenty two to twenty three years old.
I was with somebody committed relationship and because of an episode of sex in the city, they tried like the girls, one of the girls like tried a viagra pill while with other guys to with like to see what the physical because they heard that there was some kind of reaction for them too, But it was really more placebo.
Now tried it.
Me and my girlfriend at the time tried it, and my girlfriend got violently ill, throwing up and dizzy and just couldn't quite manage.
And I'm sure it's an off label use.
Yeah, no, it's not something that is prescribed for women's Actually, it's a placebo effect if anything. And the effect that I had on her was more of like the negative side effects that you see from it from overdosing on viagra, and so she didn't necessarily overdose.
She just had a really bad reaction.
So she was stuck in bed, throwing up, having the spins, not feeling good.
And I was in the other room alone with a woodrow the size of a Winnebago. Well that had an attitude.
Let me ask you this, what are some of the other side effects that are less discussed or issues which may come out of using that.
Yeah, well, blurred vision, a bluish tint to your vision is another one.
Also, heart issues if you're overdosing on it.
It's why if you are going to explore those options, please do it with I know there's online resources available for people, and if you're physically fine and everything like that, I'm not gonna I'm not the medical doctor to tell you what to do. But I also know for a fact that your medical doctor has a better idea of how your body works and what medications work with it and which ones don't. So if you're going to have this conversation, don't be afraid, don't have any shame about it.
Go talk to your doctor about it.
The benefits of actually having a good sex life, which these medications promote, are boundless. It decreases anxiety, decreases depression, creases exercise increases exercise boosting esteem, self esteem goes up, improves sleep quality. There's so many different factors that go into having a healthy sex life that it's worth having these discussions, even if you're embarrassed to talk about it with your doctor.
Okay, we're getting ready to go to the Hallway and Constanine is this discussion. There are things I would like to say that I can't say on this microphone and can't say over the public airwaves. But when we come back, I want to address the shame and stigma because all these conversations we have, there's always next to it, adjacent to it. There's a feeling of shame and there is some sort of stigma. And if we could get rid of either or both, I think people are better off.
Oh for sure.
You're listening to Later with Moe Kelly on demand from KFI AM six forty.
KFI Later with Mo Kelly.
We're live on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and the iHeartRadio app, and we just came back from the Hallway.
We were having a very open conversation. We're having a free conversation.
I was asking our guests, doctor sam Zia, the sex Doctor, about a variety of subjects and I can't detail them here, but a part of it, adjacent to it, was this idea of shame.
Yeah, the idea that men have shamed.
As far as performance issues, the idea that men may have anxiety about how they're perceived by women, that we put it that way.
How do we go about lessening that stigma or is it just something that's here to stay.
We lessen the stigma by openly communicating about sex and sexuality. If we're hiding stuff, if we're a shame to even discuss it, then it's just going to sit in the dark and stew and fester until it becomes something toxic. It's important to be actually open and honest about our needs and our desires with our partners and making sure
that our needs are being met. If not, then we have more room for resentment being built within a relationship, You have more room for frustration and tension starting to bite on people and then you start feel like you start to seeing the dynamic between them shift to one where they feel like they don't quite understand each other.
Is the shame for men specifically? There's a shame as far as women and how women may be perceived by the world if they have what I call a body out that's higher than people are willing to accept. But men is different because it's I think it's self imposed, is it not?
Yeah, yeah, well, and men tend to be more braggadocious with each other about their sexual conquests and what their body count is and with women it seems like the more you have, the more shame gets thrown on.
People from other people.
But really a lot of times guys will also feel ashamed about either not having enough sexual experience or enough sexual partners and feel like like, especially if they're in a committed relationship, and they don't feel like they've fulfilled enough of their of their their desires and experiences, and they feel too a shame to communicate those desires and
experiences with their partner. So at that point, that's where you start seeing resentment starting to build in a relationship because one person is like, I really want to open up, and I am afraid of how you're going to react.
Speaking on that's where shame comes in, speaking of opening up. And I wonder if this is factual or just anecdotal. In other words, my view of the world, there was always this belief that a woman starts to enjoy sex more when she hits thirty or so first is their.
Truth to that, I wouldn't say it doesn't necessarily get better. I'd say the quality of sex may improve because their partners may have more experience, or that individual may be more comfortable in their skin.
Section.
That's what I was thinking, because a woman who is thirty or above probably is not in the shadow of her home.
Yeah, she's not necessarily as tied to.
Beliefs that were imported to her or thrust upon her, maybe not thrust rest in the wrong word, put upon her growing up. And she's gorgeous making decisions as she wants.
Is that part of it? Part of it? Yeah, it's also being.
Less concerned about the pleasure of the other person and taking more ownership of your own pleasure and making it so that because and you hear a lot of times like that person made me climax, You know that person, and it's like, no, they didn't.
You did that yourself.
That's right, because it starts in to mind, your own mind, because that person could go with someone who may be in orgasmic. They may not be able to reach orgasm and they're doing the exact same things, but they're not able to tear that wall down, whereas with yes, thank you. But with people when they're you know, if they're doing it right and then they're attuned to each other's needs and they're doing the things that get each other off,
then communication is already present. You guys are making sure that your guys' needs are being mad.
I wonder though, if the concept of going back to Shane of that and sex has changed remarkably because of the Internet, because people are able to see porn and how that reshapes the mind at a much earlier age than when you were growing up or when I was growing up. How does pornography fit into that equation.
Porn, again, is the fantasy of sex, and you have to keep it in that context. You're not seeing the reality of sex in it, but seeing the sexual act and seeing all of these different things has made it so that people have normalized sex a little bit more.
There's a lot well, well they've normalized the act, but what they're seeing is abnormal, yeah, and unrealistic.
Yeah.
But at the same time it's bringing up discussion. It's okay, okay, it's like, you know what that looks interesting? Have you ever wanted to try that before? Like, that's where the benefit of porn can be is that it helps create and it instigates conversation between couples about ideas that they may have or want to try, and they can use porn as a way to introduce the concept.
Maybe in a healthy adult relationship.
Yeah, but to those who are using it or experiencing it as a part of their growth, and I don't need just as not just physically. Yeah, I'm just saying the growth is as a fully formed adult, because if you look at porn in your early twenties, is probably going to impact you differently than your early thirties.
Yeah.
Well, and there's the view that porn is exploitative, which a lot of times it is, but it's a lot of times people look at it as like the we can look at the performers, and that's another discussion about the exploitation of the performer, performers and stuff like that. But when it comes to what people are actually seeing, it's the way that porn has changed since the Internet has come in. It was something that was like you know, oh, we're going to go and raid my uncle's playboy stash too.
Now it's like on every single phone, every single one.
And it makes it so that you have to have open, active conversations about this stuff, either with kids or with your partner, because where that stuff wasn't as present, you weren't the conversation wasn't it wasn't accessible.
Yeah, it wasn't there, Well, you didn't need to have the conversation.
Now, it's something that porn, whether you like it or not, is going to have some kind of impact on the relationship. Whether you like and want to incorporate porn to the relationship that you have with somebody or by yourself, or if you have a lot of shame about it and you don't want to have it be like, it could be viewed as perhaps cheating within a relationship.
Really yeah, oh yeah.
I work with couples that are very much like they've had issues with infidelity in the past, and they view porn as part of the problem. So whenever they look at porn, that's as much that's as close to cheating as actually cheating.
I can understand intellectually where you can see that brings an element into the relationship that not everyone is comfortable with. Yeah, But as far as infidelity, I'm not sure I understand the leap.
It's the it's not necessarily like the physical actor or not actually being unfaithful, it's the feeling that gets left with the person who's on the other side of it, feeling inadequate, inadequate, feeling like what I'm not doing enough Like what I, oh, that's.
What you want type thing? Yeah, oh, oh, you're more attracted to that. I'm not good enough for you.
You want that's the kind of girl you want, And it's like they're not people who have to understand a lot most guys aren't necessarily looking at the girl as far as how beautiful they are, because there's beautiful women all over the place. They're looking at the sexual act. They're looking at what's physically happening. Unless it's somebody who's like, Wow, that's the most beautiful woman in the world and I want to know her name and get to know more
about her. We're not looking at the names of the performers or who's doing it. We're looking at the actual sexual act. So a lot of times people will feel inadequate because they view the stuff that they're watching is like, that's the person, the kind of person you want, not necessarily that's the kind of stuff you want to engage in the act, the behaviors, the sexual things that you want to do.
Doctor Samza, how can people reach out to you?
You can hit me up on Instagram. It's at sam z on air. Also my Psychology Today page.
You can hit up. My number is one zero six three five two.
You're listening to Later with Moe Kelly on demand from KFI AM six forty.
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It's a Lady with mo Kelly Live on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook and the iHeartRadio app. And are you a different person when you're overstimulated? Do you react differently to people? Do you respond differently? And I've never really thought about it. I don't think of myself as ever being overstimulated, But then when I read more about it, it made sense to me, and I think I can be self aware
and realize when I am overstimulated. And to be overstimulated means that our senses received a lot of information, and working in this business, that's all it is, and now we're feeling overwhelmed as we're receiving this information. Yes, yes, And I think that's why oftentimes, when I'm driving in or driving home, I may listen to a driving home, I may listen to.
A little bit of Nori, but then I'll turn off the radio.
If I'm driving in, I'm not listening to any type of news or anything, or the radio is off because I'm conscious of trying to regulate my emotional balance. So I'm not over stimulated and the way it comes out to me, and I'm going to go around the room and get people's thoughts about this, and doctor Sam is still sitting in with us. When I feel that I'm overstimulated, and I think I'm aware of it, I am snippy because the amount of information I'm getting is usually from
social media. Social media is moving very quickly. Now I'm responding to five or ten different conversations. If you've ever engaged me on social media like threads or something, I'm responding to a lot, lot of people, a lot sometimes by choice. Some people are engaging me, and then to then start interacting with real people who are operating at a much slower pace and you're having just a one to one conversation. I realize that I can be what
they say short, I can be kind of snippy. I can be kind of rude at times, and it's been pointed out to me, and I try to be a little bit more self aware. But I think that's what happens to me when I'm overstimulated. And so the title of this article is are you mean when you're over stimulated? And I have to say maybe, yes, maybe, maybe because there's a of my I believe I'm somewhere on the spectrum, somewhere.
I don't know. We talked about this last year.
People are finding they are on the spectrum after the age of thirty because my oddities suggests that. And sometimes I do have problems with interpersonal relationships and conversation. I don't perceive the world and receive the world as most people do. Like for example, I don't like talking to people. I like talking to the radio, but I don't like talking to people. There's a difference. Don't call me, text me now, That's what I'm saying. It has to do a speed. I want you to get to the point.
I'm not into fake pleasant trees. I'm not interested in small talk when I'm not at work. I don't want to talk about my job. I'm very linear in that regard.
I agree.
Yeah, that's just that's how I am. And so if I am overstimulated, going back to this article, then yes, I can be snippy, I can be short, and I try to stop talking to people because I will probably say the wrong thing or lash out. Uh, doctor Sam, Are you one who is aware of being overstimulated?
Oh? Absolutely? And I work primarily as a mental health professional. So overstimulation is something especially if you're on the spectrum.
It's uh, it's more pronounced when we get when we get over stimulated, and the path of over stimulation is brutal, and it's like riding a wave that constantly gets bigger and bigger, like a tsunami, and it really it puts a huge importance on being able to separate yourself, like you were saying, getting in the car, turning off the radio and you know, maybe listening to music or just
having silence. It puts a priority on being able to cope with the stress and anxiety and tension as you go throughout the day so that that wave doesn't carry as much momentum throughout the day.
Stephan, what about yourself? Do you find yourself over stimulated in a job like this? You know you're processing a lot when you're working for these shows.
I definitely compartmentalize because you know, I've worked so hard to get to this position, So I in general am a shy person. I don't like to talk to people, and I think we've matched up on this. Like if you have a party at your house, you expect the crowd that's fine because then you can kind of walk
around to this and that. But if you come home and you don't expect ten to fifteen people in your house, you've heard my stories exactly, like you want to go into your room, but then you seem like the a hole because you don't want to talk to Anyboddy right right, Yeah, I've told this story before, so very quickly.
There are times when my wife will invite family over. It's usually her family because my family's super small. Both my parents, my father's passed on, but both of them were only children. It's just me and my oldest sister. My sister married someone who was an only child. They had one child. I don't have aunts and uncles and cousins,
so I'm used to having my space. And when I come home and my wife is one of five and they all have forty five children, and they're you know, they have children's children, and there are a lot of people at my house a lot. So when I get off work and I come home, and sometimes she'll surprise me like, oh, cousin so and so is.
Here, It's like, oh what really?
And then I'm getting off a tennish get home around eleven ish, and then people say, hey, tell me about.
Your day, what's going on? Tell me the three radio show? How you being Foh, I want to go to bed.
That's overstimulation And that's after a thirty minute drag. Because we both live in the same general area. Yeah, I don't want to be hospitable. I'm not not trying to entertain, so I'm gonnaware of myself in that regard.
Carnelia, let me ask you as far as are you aware when you're overstimulated?
And if so, how does it manifest?
I feel like I can feel when I get over stimulated. It's like my mind is going through so much, especially if I don't have my days planned out. Then I'm thinking about, Okay, I gotta do this, this, this, and then I'm going through the process Okay, well how am I going to get this and this done? And I find myself getting so tense.
Physically thinking about other stuff.
You gotta do yes, And I find myself getting so tense. And Daniel is so good because he's always asking me, are you okay?
Are you good?
And sometimes I can't even verbally express what I'm feeling or how I'm feeling. I'm just like back up, give me some space, let me breathe.
There it is.
That's the key is it's okay to tell the people around you, hey, I'm overstimulated. I need a second and a good way to kind of stem the tide of that over stimulation is giving yourself maybe once an hour or once every two hours.
This is a thing that we used to have. I know we gotta go to break, but it's an important point.
There's something that was socially acceptable for us to engage in back in like the sixties, seventies, eighties, that we are not allowed to do. That made it so people weren't as overstimulated back then, and they think that we can't handle our stuff like they used to nowadays. It's because every fifteen or every hour or every two hours, we would take ten to fifteen minutes for a smoke break. We would separate ourselves from the stress, whatever is getting
under our skin, and we would go outside. And if you take a cigarette out of the out of the person's hands and you just look at what they're physically doing, they're usually looking away, they're taking deep breaths, they're actually doing relaxation exercises. I'm not saying pick up a cigarette and start up a bad habit. I'm saying, give yourself the same permission that we used to give ourselves thirty forty fifty years ago.
Go outside. That's legitimately. Mind, take a breath.
That's a good one. I didn't think about that. Yeah, right there, that's stem for a talk. Do that once every two hours. Now we're starting to cut all of that wave of overstimulation and cutting it up in chunks to make it so it's more easily digestible before.
We go to newsbreak, Mark, is there anything you'd like to add? I know you're a very private person, but I know that you have thoughts.
Sam raised an excellent point. We need time to slow down and even to be bored. We have constant input from media, social media, Internet. We have no time for reflection or silence. Your brain's a muscle and it needs constant work to maintain itself. And I don't think we're gonna like what it's doing to our brains all this over stimulation. When we see enough studies have been done
on I mean, think about this. It's almost impossib for us to imagine what life was like for our grandparents who grew up before TV, let alone Internet and everything we have now.
I dread what this is going to show about us. Nothing good.
You have to really go out of your way to take time to you know, take a walk or a smoke break like Sam mentioned, or just have some time to reflect and think. We don't really, there's no we don't build time into our day on the whole, just to think and just to be if you understand what I'm saying by just to exist without having to accomplish something. And that's especially true of Americans, which you find if you've traveled enough. That's why I say you gotta travel.
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