Peaceful & Intentional Parenting w/ Destini Ann

She's amazing. She's a single millennial mom who promotes peaceful and positive parenting on her TikTok, where she has more than one freaking million viewers through heartfelt and hilarious videos and advice. She works to help other parents out there connect with their kids and now advigate family life, and some of her most popular videos are about phrases such as bitch, You're doing a good job. Destiny also offers parental strategy classes that tackle hard topics such as how

to avoid power struggles and meltdowns. Inside Notes Destiny, These are definitely one of these episodes where I'm going to personally ask you, like a lot of questions about my own life and my own child so that you can help me. Welcome to Katie's crab Destiny. Yeah, I'm so exciting to be here. First of all, I'm not as nearly as cool as you made me sound, but you are so cool and such a good parent. Oh God, tell my kids before we get to your empire on

social media. How did you find yourself peaceful parenting? Like, how did you even know to do that? I don't think I knew to do it. I just was like a really like quote unquote bad kid. And so I had a terrible relationship just with my parents. There were such good parents, but it was just so much going on, and I was like, I don't want my kid to feel the way that I felt, and I don't want to feel as a parent the way that my parents felt.

And so my background was in developmental psychology, very much like sticker charts and you know, potty training and get the kid to change the behavior. And when we were in the thick of parenting, when my daughter was like five or six, that ship wasn't working. So like, okay, there's two people in this relationship. We focused all the energy on her behavior. Maybe I could contribute a little bit.

And that's kind of what started my journey of holy crap, Wow, when you say that you were a bad kid, like, what do you mean? Like meaning like you talked back, you were rebellious, getting in trouble, grounded a lot. What was explained. Yeah, so I had the bad kid label. So I was very much, very mouthy, just always talking back, super rebellious. I mean like stuff that you'd be like, there's no way you did that in middle school. I've done all the things I've done, Kittie, I've done all

the things. If you're thinking I did it, and I probably did it. I was a hell you in and I was a lot for my parents and know that, wow, and tell us how old are your kids now? Phoenix

is for, She's for? And then my nine year o Kennedy Okay, I had a very similar experience where I was going a real Rye method of parenting, which is like Janet Landsbury an amazing, like such a great base for my son until he was to where it was a lot of like independence and giving him a very long leash and letting him figure things out on his own and independent play and all these things, and then once he started being the hitter on the playground, I

was like, oh, I have no fucking idea what I'm doing, Like, I don't know how to discipline. I don't know, and in a loving way, I'm not talking like I I don't know how to set boundaries. And my god, everyone listening to this podcast asked to his children, you know, if there is ship that you haven't worked out about your own self, it is going to rear its ugly fucking head times of thousand through your children as you so work on your ship, which me is boundaries. Oh good, Yeah,

I was very permissive for a very long time. Oh really with your children. Yeah, I mean we have we have the same like sort of backgrounds very much, just like this is your life. You're not here to complete me like all of that, because I was very much misunderstood as a child. So I was like, my goal is just to get you. I just want to get you. I want you to feel gotten. I'm not here to mold you. I'm here to unfold you, you know, And

like now I'm just upshits creek. So tell me now, okay foraying a little bit, how did you establish your brand as a peaceful parent on social media. That was not a purpose at all. I was a business coach for hair Stylus, and so I've always worked with moms. They were just entrepreneurs that just so happened to be hair Stylus, and I it was like, I think I should make a TikTok and share this. And I got my daughter to show me how to make a TikTok

and teach me what before you page was. And I made a video about like productivity and managing and balancing, and then I made a video that kind of went viral or whatever. But you're doing a good job that video. I think. I started my TikTok last April and whenever Mother's Day is is when I did the bit you're doing a good job video, And then it was like, all right, well let's talk more about parenting. And and that's why it's such a great follow everyone listening, because

it is so organic, you know what I mean. Like, so it wasn't on purpose. It's sort of like my husband. My husband started this pretzel business during the pandemic similarly, but everything was sort of like he was falling backwards into it, but all of a sudden, all of these things he was good at came together witnessing it in flow, which is how I feel when I watch your Instagram and your tiktoks and things like that. It's like it's all so innately organically. I just press record. It's amazing.

Can you tell us what is intentional parenting? Yeah? So I think a lot of us are walking around very unconscious of how our behaviors are playing out in the relationship with our children. And so I don't really subscribe to Yes Sleep Trainer, do or don't. I don't really get into the behavior aspect. It's well, is how your parenting intentional? Is it rooted in your values and not

ego or fear or trauma or anything like that. And so for me, intentional parenting is like I am unaware of the decisions I'm making, have a guide post, and I make meaningful repair and I get back on the train. But it's it's based off of what I believe as a parent and literally nothing else. Wow. I had someone on the podcast, Oh gosh, you guys, this is where

mom brain comes into play. Who is just like if you write your family values on the kitchen table, like, what are they to you, you know, like it's a family value of mine that like, no matter what you have, your sister's back, Your sister has your back, Like that's how I was raised. My brother, we have each other, like if you fight or you're fighting a toy or whatever, like we repair this relationship. You guys are family. You guys come first from each other. That's how it goes.

For example, that's like one value of my family. But intentional parenting is really not doing everything out of reaction. Yes, yes, very very proactive. On Cindy Wang Brands Parenting Forward podcast. Yeah, I mean amazing. You mentioned that you shifted into becoming a peaceful parent by using the self help industry therapy for example, to becoming more peaceful. Can you outline an example of this. Yeah. Absolutely, So I've done all the things, like I'm in therapy now and I've done yes we

we all are me and I don't love it. But I've also done group coaching, individual coaching. I believe very very much in the power of transformation within a specific container and not doing it alone and getting support. And so around that time where I was like this is permissive and the sticker charms aren't working, and whoa, she doesn't respect me. It was just a really difficult dark time for myself. And I was like, well, maybe she's just mirroring me right now, Like, let me start with me.

And so I did a program with I don't know if you know who Preston Smiles is, but he was my first ever coach. He and his wife Alexi Pianos have amazing coaching programs, and I took his. It was like fifty of us. It was an online program, and it was very much just like in the work, dealing with your edges, dealing with your trauma, your shadow, all of those things. I think for me that was really the beginning of the shift in my parenting journey. Was

it a mirror effect? Could you see change immediately when you started working on yourself? Did things start to change with Kennedy? Absolutely? Absolutely? She was. I mean she was just more open and I have such an impact. She's such an EmPATH and so I cannot fake it. I was just talking about this, Actually I cannot fake it with her. She knows and she's gonna mirror what. Ever, my energy actually is not what I'm trying to portrace. I was like, oh crap, Like I actually have to

feel better, like I have to be better. I can't just like turn why she's your daughter? And what was one of the things you focused on to become a peaceful parent? Definitely communication. Definitely the way that I communicate with my child is so very intentional now and having intentional phrases or intentional processes because a lot of moments and parenting are actually pretty predictable. They hit us at the worst time. But we know or you know your kid.

You know the things that they don't like to hear no to, you know when they're most tired. And so for me being able to be intentional about Okay, when I pick her up from school, it can go one or two ways. Let me stop, get my energy together and be intentional about how I'm going to communicate with her. Those things make such a difference in our day and in our relationship. Okay, so you pick her up from school and she's having the bad day. What her examples

of how you communicate with her? Yeah, So with Kennedy, it's all about listening. And I think his parents were like scientists, right, what's gonna work for you is not gonna work for me and my child And so I know that she just wants a listening ear, and she's so good at communication and emotional intelligence that it's almost a bad idea for me to give her the answer. She's gonna go the opposite way. So she really just needs to talk it out. I asked the right questions

reflect back to her. Okay, so she said that to you, and how do you feel about that? Oh? Wow, you know, just in that way and giving no advice and she winds up coming to the answer anyway. WHOA, you're like doing therapy. That's so cool. It's absolutely therapy with that one. That's so cool. Okay, so communication, listening, What specific thing did you learn from your therapy that helped guide you?

A big one this year has been like recognizing my relationship with anger and how I've had a really negative relationship with anger and just how it shows up and how like, I'm so uncomfortable when Kennedy gets angry, I'm so uncomfortable with it. And so either it's like fight or flight, that's it. Now, when she gets angry, I it's not even about her. It's totally about me being comfortable with anger. And so that's me affirming or that's me taking deep breaths or setting a boundary. I'm not

willing to let you talk to me like this. So I'm going to leave the room and I'm I'm gonna be right there whenever you're ready to talk to me the way that you liked that we talk to each other. Yeah, you know, I have a very similar thing. I'm very conflict diverse, and I was gifted a child who is um not And you know, it's really interesting for me to have a son who does get angry and does feel rage, and I see testosterone running like. He loves to play fight, he loves to beat the ship out

of a pillow. He loves to take a pretend we don't have gun toys in the house, but he'll make one out of his fingers and you know whatever. And it's really been interesting for me to get comfortable with that is in him. That is part of who he is. And I'm creative, toxic masculinity, and I'm trying to accept and love all the parts of him and just understand that how do I help him do this for good

not for evil? You know? But he gets angry, he gets frustrated, he yells, So I like hearing your vocabulary in your words. Yeah, I'm not willing. I think as a child, when I was doing something that my parents didn't like, it really felt like a right or wrong and not. We're just different and helping me find a way to cultivate who I am in a more healthy way. And so for her, I don't ever want her to feel like her anger is bad. And maybe there will

be relationships where that's acceptable. I don't know, it's your life. I'm letting you know that I'm not willing to deal with that. And also she doesn't want to be spoken to like that. I know that, I know that she really does value effective communication, so I think that she's also unsafe in those moments. I don't even want to allow her to lean into that part of her where it's okay to talk to me like that. So I gotta go so you can stay safe as well. We

have to get into so much respect stuff. I can't wait on. Cameron Rogers Freckled, Foodie and Friends podcast guys were just quoting other great podcasts. Um you mentioned that your older daughters she got older, which we were discussing that you noticed that you didn't feel respected by her and that you weren't being taken seriously, tell us what that looked like in your iusehold. It looked like her having a hard time upholding that values that we agreed on.

Was she calling you names? Was she hitting your body? Oh yeah, yeah, like the I hate you and like trying to hit and all of that. Yeah, ship, Okay, this is what's coming down the pipe for me. Yeah, and it had never been that. What age did that occur? She's nine now, so like eight and a half. This is a recent change. Oh shit, Okay, this is new. Yeah, this is new. Well the four year old, the four year old has been that, like, she's been fiery and want to hit out of Yeah, so it's been that way,

but this is new for the nine year old. Okay, So how have you been working on this? How the hell do we get our children to respect us? Because I already see it going this way. My son doesn't do disrespectful ship to his dad because he's afraid. When his dad lays down a boundary, it is set. And when I lay down a boundary, it is my own fault. I'm wishy washy, I'm really loving. It's super hard for me. I'm such a hippie and my son smells it out. And so that's not the same in every household. I'm

sure it's the other way around in some household. You know whatever, But what do you do? How are you working on respect with Kennedy? So for me, intention is about preparation, and we don't wait till game day to practice. Once we're in the thick of it, she's piste off, you have to ride the wave and do all that breathing and all that ship and I'm not willing that's what you have to do in the heat of the moment. But it really is about prevention. Those calming tools. We

have to practice those things on a regular basis. We have to practice effective communication and be intentional about it. We can't just go through the day. We have to actually give her space to feel empowered so she doesn't

always feel the need to take that power back. And so for me, that is intentional connection making her feel safe, having conversations with her about her peaceful place, or or will do deep breaths or whatever just to make her feel safe on a regular basis, so that in the moment when she's piste off, she can recall those things like hey, I see where this is going, like, let's

try this, let's take a deep breath. If if they don't practice those kind of things, that don't practice tension and release or whatever, to call on them when because I can't write in regular, normal calm moments of boredom, what are other things you do? You do deep breathing. So at night is typically when we do our practice, and so for me, it's all about her processing and

integrating experiences with emotion in a healthy way. And so we'll do like nopes and dopes where we go over her day and we talk about the good things that happened, and we talked about the negative things that happen, and she can process a negative experience in a healthy way. She'll tell me what happened, She'll tell me how she felt about it, She'll tell me what she wished had happened. And that is what I would like for her to do.

In a moment, something can happen. She can feel the feelings, she can say what she wish happened, and we can move forward. So we'll practice that at night when she snuggled up with me, she's calm, she she's regulated. Maybe we'll do some affirmations. But I'm really big on allowing the emotional part of her brain to connect with the rational part of her brain on a consistent basis, so that way she can recall that the moment, because I don't recall when I was a kid, like talking about

my experiences, said my parents. No, I don't either, but you know, my I look back and my god, my dad did a really good job. We had Dr Dan Siegel on the podcast Amazing Amazing, and he was talking a lot about the rupture and repairs. My dad didn't

know he was doing this at the time. We have a great relationship and I think so much of it because if let's say I did something quote unquote bad or got sent to my room, it was something like, you have to go to your room and you have to think about what you've done because we're not happy with you at the moment. Whenever, and I would go

to my room, but it only end it up. My memory is my dad on the end of my bed and he'd say, Okay, let's talk about it now, and then he would always end up crying because my dad's super emotionally available and he and then he would be like, can we have a hug, and I would say, yes, he had no idea what he was doing at the time, but it was these little repairs of all these little ruptures and so but I really do rely on that in my own life because I'm like, Okay, why did

I fly off the handle yesterday? What happened? Oh? I hate getting my son dressed more than anything in the entire world. Okay, he hates getting dressed because he doesn't have autonomy, but he doesn't want him get him own self dressed. So most days he wears his pajamas. I don't give a ship. Sometimes it's too cold or the pajamas are just fucking dirty and he has to change them. While I'm getting him dressed, he'll try to like poke me in the nose or like poke me in the

eye or something ridiculous because he's pissed that I'm getting undressed. Right, So, yesterday he poked me in the nose and his finger went really far up my nose and it really hurt, and I was like, oh, Albie, oh my god, that really hurt. And then I just was like through his clothes on the floor and I was like, you do it. I can't. I cannot I get very frustrated when I'm getting you dressed because you make it difficult for me. It's not fun and I don't like it. This is

literally how I'm talking to him. Thirty minutes later, I'm like, I'm sorry, I got very frustrated while getting you dressed. I know you don't like getting dressed. I don't like getting you dressed. The whole thing is just it is, I guess, and I'm sorry. First of all, I had those moments, and yesterday we had the same moment like with the repair. Actually call like recaps. Oh that's good. Yeah, I'm very big on I don't discipline in the moment.

I can't. I can't teach you anything. It's not the land. Oh my god, this needs to be written on a something for my husband because the fact that he wants to make teachable moments while my son is having a conniption fit is so it's literally going against the current wasted energy of ridiculousness, like why, oh my god, and my husband wants to talk for like an hour to a four and a half year old and make him sit at the table. I do the same thing, though, I do the same thing, and I catched myself in

the moment. It's not like, oh, I see she's having attention, just know, like halfway through, and I'm like, damn, this could have been over ten minutes ago, Like yes, we just shut the sunk up and this happened yesterday. We're at an arcade or whatever, and I'm just spent all this money because I've been in l A and I came back and I'm a sucker for my kids when I've been gone. I'm like, yes, let's just do all the things today. And we're about to leave. It's been

such a good mood. And she sees a fitbit or something and she goes, can I get a fitbit? I was like, yeah, of course. She thought like yeah, of course, Like we're gonna go get one right now? Yeah, right right, And so she I just I got irritated at the handle. Well, no, it was very small. She was just like irritated, like frustrated.

But I couldn't hide that I was frustrated with her frustration, and so I was like, sorry, kid, like it was very blah, and she just like lost it there just with emotions and doors sleeming and just mean words and all this stuff. And I just let her ride the wave about and when we got home, I was like, hey, I'm not I couldn't in the car, but I was like, I'm not willing to let you talk to me like that. I'm gonna give you as much space as you need and I'm gonna be here. And I left the room

and then she's like, mom, come in the room. And so we're sitting on the floor and once she's calmed down, the storm is calmed. Recaps are typically how I disciplined. So I'm like, hey, this is what happened, this is how you felt, this is how I felt. Here's where I messed up. Where do you think you could have done something differently? Usually those recaps are where she's more present and aware of what happened. We're the same way. If I'm arguing with you, don't tell me about myself.

And then when I go home, I'm like, Ship, I should have said this, I should have said that, Like, why would we expect these small humans to be any different? She was able to say, Okay, I could have said this. I could have told you my feelings. We have very clear feeling statements. I feel blank, I need blank. And she was like, I could have used my feeling statement? What's a feeling statement? All the drama that's going on is really because of your feelings. So I'm just like,

can you give me a feeling statement. You're not available for it. I will talk later. Feeling statement is I feel blank? I need blank, I feel sad, I need a minute, I feel angry. I need you to hear what I'm saying, or not even what somebody else can do. I need to say how I'm feeling. It's your message and this is your mess. What is the message up under all of your mess? Wow, this is so evolved and it's so hard. It's so hard. I keep explaining

to people. I'm like, you think peaceful parenting and intentional parenting. I mean it would be easier to just throw them in the room and shut the door and say like you're grounded, or like no food for the night and go to bed without dinner, like whatever people did like back in the day. You know, But it's really really hard.

But I do have to say I do like though, something my mom never did, which is like, if I get really angry, I say, I'm like, I'm feeling very very angry, and I need to go to my room and I don't want to see you. I need a break. But that's a boundary though, see see a lot of times we do rules like I'm angry, I need you to do this, I need you to do that, And why would we even give that much power? Sorry, kids,

that's a that's just like not smart. It has to be a boundary interesting, so abound I. So a boundary is about you something I can control. A rule is something that you're trying to like make them do, which they can't write. Something else that was helpful from someone we had on the We had Betsy Brown Braun on the podcast at the beginning when I had my daughter who's a little over one, and he would be very rough with her in play and sort of testing the boundaries.

How rough can I be with her? And I would say, instead of making him change his behavior, I would say, oh, oh, it sounds like Vera doesn't like the way that you're touching her body. So I'm going to pick her up and we're going to play on the other side of the room, and you're not going to play with us

until you've regulated your body a little bit. And then he would freak out like, no, I want my star, you know, but it was really interesting instead of the opposite, which is what I think most parents do, which is like you can't hit her, you can't touch her like that. But what was cool was the consequence, if we're going to use that word, was that I would make you know, Vera would go play somewhere far away from him. What has been the biggest parenting cycle you found yourself guilty

of having? Mmmm. It's really hard for me to apologize. It's so hard, especially since it's like, I'm so intentional. So when I mess up, I feel it, like I really really feel it. And of course I see that in my nine year old, but it's like it's so and she has a hard time apologizing to yep, that's my ship. Okay, so apologizing, how are you pushing through this?

How are you working on it? She is allowed to hold me accountable, and any time I apologize and make sure that that is like clear, car me out of my ship, please do because I know that if it goes silent, I may or may not bring it back up, and I hate that that is the case. And so I'm like, this is a US working together situation. And anytime she calls me out of my stuff. I don't deny it. I'm just like, you're right, and I could do repair right in that moment, she God, she holds

me accountable. I'm like, are you on my TikTok's or something like? Where is this language you've been coming from when you talk about respect your note? Where did you get that? That's my fun? I've been using that recently now because you know, I'm at the four and a half year old age where, like you know, I'm really trying to practice with myself only saying something once, which is really hard, you know, because I'll have to say something like, you know, please don't do that. That's not safe.

I don't want you to do that. That's not safe. I don't want you to do that that's not safe. And and instead the second time I say, oh, I've already said that one more time, I'm not saying it again. Is that setting a boundary? I mean, if you're not going to say it again, that is definitely like you're in control of that, like you're in controller or not. It comes out. But then if they don't stop, then it's like, maybe we need a more intense boundary. Maybe

I need to help right, exactly. Have there ever been moments where you accidentally didn't peaceful parent? I'm not a peaceful person, of course, how do you How did you give me an example? So I'm very sarcastic, and the sarcasm, for me, it comes out when she's angry, and I'm like, okay, I feel like sarcasm is a lower form of anger, Like it's just it's just like you're not using your

feeling statements, man. And so sometimes when she's like sticking her tongue out of me or something like that doesn't bother me. Like it's like that's not helpful. I'll say stuff like that or like, of course, like that's so childish, Like I'll say stuff like that, and I'm like, this is not helping. At this point, the sarcasm just pushed her over the edge and we're in the middle of the crap. And I've done that too. I've done that too. So you say something to her like what, yeah, you

stuck you're talking at me? What do you think you think that bothers me? I don't care, right, So you said something like that, and then what do you do? That wasn't okay? That was not okay? That was not okay, you're having your moment, but I'm in control of my behavior and that wasn't okay. You don't deserve that. Or I'll say things like, even when you're having a hard time, I love you, and you still deserve my respect. Even that's really good. Even if you're having a hard time,

I still love you. You still deserve my respect. You still deserve your respect. Right now, I'm still going to respect you. I'm not going to disrespect you. I still have enough compassion. You know, these kids are sponges and they model everything. So you're neuron that she's learning to be able to do that to you. Oh god, that's so hard. But sometimes they don't have the availability for that though. Sometimes I'll be like I love you, you know, Mommy loves you, and she's like, no, you don't know,

you don't. I'm like, it would be not intentional parenting to keep going down that lane. When she's not receptive to compassion. It's like, that's when I just get quiet, and that's when I just let her ride the wave for emotions. Ride the wave. Yeah, that's when you have to trust that mom gut where you're like, is this something that I can go down. But you know when you're like, Nope, this is just another one of those times where we're just gonna ride this out. Okay, tell

us about hitting. We talked about hitting a lot you just did. I was just watching you talk about hitting, which I thought was so helpful. Um, tell us an example of how you would peacefully parent through a hitting scenario. Let's say kids hitting you. I have parents in my in my kids nur's through school, their kids kicked them, hit them, blah blah blah. Explain how you handle this the four year old would if I let her. I'm sure she's a firebird times a thousand. But so for me,

there's three elements. So there's compassion, their safety, and then there's clear limits. And so I'll start with safety. Whoever is getting hit no longer needs to get hit, and I'm very intentional about whatever I have to do to make sure that doesn't happen. So I will hold your hands, I will put you on another side of the door and communicate with you. I will ask the other person to leave. Like if she was hitting her sister, I'm like, you're nine, I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

Don't just sit there, like, get that boom go so I can do it with your sister. Um, so I'll create safety. And then I have to have compassion. And so if I'm holding your hands and I'm angry, I can't say anything like I have to get back present and calm myself down because I don't want to model what I'm telling you not to do. You need to feel safe as well. Everybody has to feel safe. And then after that's happened, then we set a clear limit. I'm not willing to let you hit me. I'm not

willing to do that. I would love to sit here with you, and you can let me know when I can let your hands to go and when we can invite your sister back in. That's great, And you try to stay I'm sure incredibly calm with your voice and your body and things like that, which is it's really hard. Like when things get physical and they're screaming and there's crying, it tends to bring everyone's energy to match that level. And I have to practice a lot of just like

having hopefully him mirror that I'm calm. If he's like hitting and things like that, do you leave the room. You can't do I leave the room. Yeah, people are so scared to leave the room and I can't, Like it's like time out. It's like that's not in that in that situation, if you're disregulated, like it's okay, so leave the room. Oh yeah, Like I have totally left the room and I go and sit in a chair like not him, And then he comes over and he's like what's going on? He's like so confused, which is

like better. So you offer tons of parental strategy classes and recordings on your website that focus on, you know, tantrums, defy, in respect. Can you give us a sneak just a lead, a sneak peak strategy for each like defiance? Tell us what would be a strategy if your kid is super defiant, Like let's say I'm not getting in the car seat. Man,

it's like a constant toddler thing. The smallest are literally like my favorite because the solution is just always like play and that's so hard for us to access because we're just such big adults. But the more you can lean into playful energy, the easier it is to get them to cooperate. So there's a book, Um, I think it's called Playful Parenting. But it just has so many strategies about it, and so I love to use transitions, but they have to be playful. So are we going

to be dinosaurs while we get into the car? Do I need to empower you? Do? I give you a choice of how you get into the car? Literally, if it's a yes or no, they're gonna pick now. So I always give two options. Do you want to put your seat bet on like the big car? Or do you want me to put your seat bet on? Something like that with their brain is off of do I want to or do I not want to get into

the car seat. I always use redirections, playful transitions with the smaller kids because they just love play and they love to feel empowered. They're like the tiny emperor. Yes, if I give you choices, they're like, oh, I get to pick one. Another thing I do that's really empowering is that I like have imaginary conversations about what they're not capable of doing, and my four year old is like, I have to prove you wrong. It works really well

with her getting dressed. I'm like, do you not know that I used this on you fifty times this week already? What can you give us an example, Yeah, so I like use her stuffies and I'll be like, you know, like, oh my god, this girl, like she totally can't get herself dressed, and the other stuff. He's like, yeah, I don't think she can get her self dressed. And she'll be getting herself dress. I got this from the book,

she beginning herself dress. And I'll be like, see she's totally not getting dressed, just completely ignoring that she's doing it, and would be like, she's got five seconds left, she doesn't get dressed. We're at of here, and she's just like, oh my god, the shirts on backers. But she's dressed and we're out of the door. It was painfree. She feels good about it, and we didn't have to struggle over a T shirt for the past forty five minutes.

So anything that makes them feel excited, joy, playful, or empowered a lot of times is a lot easier. This one is big for me. How do you get I give us a sneak peek of getting your child not to walk all over you. Boundaries, It's it's boundaries. It really is boundaries. But also boundaries has to be a

part of the conversation. Like my kids know the word boundaries, probably use it every single day, and allowing them to the space to set boundaries and to have as much authority over themselves as possible so that they don't have to take power and take control, and so that conversation of these are our values, these are the boundaries. What are you not willing to do? What am I not willing to do? And so that we can come back to a conversation that we're repeatedly having because the playful

stuff doesn't work. The order that they get it really has to be rooted in the value system and returning to that. You know, when your child is four and a half and they can't do a lot of things for themselves yet, like they can't get the orange juice, they can't, you know, get the cup they want, they can't. And my son wants things very specifically, you know, he's got a big independent mind where it's like, Nope, I don't want the blue cup. I want the green cup

with the orange top. And I give it to him and he's like, I said the orange top. And it comes across at a certain point really fucking rude, Like I'm like, stop fucking ordering me around, get me this, I want this, I need this. Get me that I said this, Mom, I said this is literally he's for So sometimes I'll say things like, oh, how I don't I don't like the way that sounds in my ear. It's okay, great, it sounds like you want something and you need something, but I don't like the way that

it sounded in my ear, you know. And then he'll switch it up to like, please, mom, can I have the blah blah blah blah? And I'm like, oh, great, thank you. What other tips and tricks for that? Because to me, is he rude? Is he disrespectful? I don't know. You don't like it though, that matters, but you don't like it and you're not willing to be spoken to like that, right, And so I definitely think that it's like I do that playful stuff. I'm just like, oh

my god, Like there's just like this weird buzzing. I wish I could hear you better, but it's just like it's just bucking or the the airplane, like your your plane is not landing? Could you land it with a police? Something like that. But again, it's that that practice and role playing. Okay, I'm gonna be you, and I'm just show you how I ask for a drink. We say, may I or whatever you know makes sense in your

value system. But I don't have to respond. I don't have to get you the drink because you spoke to me like that and and that's okay, and then we deal with the big feelings that you have about it, and then we come back to it and we try again. I think that life does have consequences, and people do react or respond based off of how you treat them, how you talk to them. So for me, I'm probably not gonna respond that somebody barking barking orders at me. I can get you the cup and just give you

like a friend you reminder. But if it's like real soft there and it's real attitude, everything can pause and we can talk about it like, hey, I'm right here. You remember how you like me to talk to you give them that calm, because if we react like who we talked to, they're just gonna meet us there yeah, or he just like quickly, I'll get it all. They'll be like, oh, it sounds like you're barking in order at me, and I I'm like, oh, is someone the

king of the castle like, I'm just excuse me. Oh yeah, that's good. Oh that's good. Yeah. My mom used to say when I was little, she'd be like, oh, oh, are you talking to me? And then I'd be like no, and You're like, oh, I didn't think so hilarious, Okay. Um. A lot of this, I think is in power struggles. Like a lot of that is power struggles because sometimes I'll say, you know, I'm the boss. My son will freaking cry. He'll be like, You're not the boss. I'm

the boss. I'm not even kidding, and I'm like, no, honey, Like there's just some things I say to him. I'm like, look, they're just something because you're not gonna be able to do until you're an adult. You can't use potty words, you can't drive a car, you can't drink mommy's wine. But how do you deal with power struggles? Well, first of all, you can't do it, don't. So I'm always leading with the well, this is what we can do,

because that's super empowering. Yeah, Like there's always some sort of a yes, and I really want my children to just feel that way about life. Number one. But number two, it's a lot of the things that we expect our children to be able to do, they're not really able to do it. We have really high expectations of children that just aren't developmentally realistic. And so for me, it's

it's about I have all the power. When they're small, they literally need you to do everything to Yeah, and then it goes into like a wee, it's a sharing of power. I'm not powering over you, I'm not powering under you. And then it becomes an allowing and allowing you to have power. And so I'm very clear with my nine year old we're a team. So it's very much how can I help you? Anytime we're like this, it's us against each other, and I'm like, okay, let's

turn this towards the problem. Like it's not you won't get up, it's you're having a hard time you're getting up? Is there anything that you need? How can I help you? Do you want to brush your teeth together? So like in the morning, like, yeah, exactly can I help you? How can I help you? Yeah? Exactly? Or or just what do you need? Because I understand and get that at nine years old, she hasn't even practiced this enough for it to be a habit, whether she's a morning

person or not. And I can either leave it up to her and she has a terrible mourning and then terrible morning after terrible morning and she doesn't feel empowered, or I can do what I'm here to do, which is to help and God lead her towards actually being able to have the autonomy to be an adult that can get herself up and do it on her own.

I have learned so much today, Destiny at what you're doing is so helpful, and I would dare say like revolutionary, Like I just really think that, like this work is really fucking important if we're going to do our job of hopefully raising humans that contribute to society in positive, peaceful, freeing and connective using your values ways, I just think it really starts with us. And I think the work you're doing and the people that you're reaching gives me

a lot of hope. And I just think you're wonderful and you're doing such a great job. And those girls are so lucky to have you as a mom My. God, girl, are you doing a good job? A good job, girl, You're doing a good job. That's the censor. Girl, You're doing a good job girl, You're doing a good job. Thank you so much. Destiny, you are amazing and Um, thank you so much for coming on Katie's Crib. Thank you for having me. Thank you guys so much for

listening to today's episode. I want to hear from you. Let's chat questions, comments, concerns. Let me know. You can always find me at Katie's Crib at Shonda land dot com. Katie's Crib is a production of Shonda Land Audio in partnership with I heart Radio. For more podcasts from Shonda Land Audio, visit the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.