Episode 144: Boundaries Aren't Selfish, They're Necessary

I got into this space after dealing with some frustrating interactions with school educators and administrators , as well as experiencing the microaggressions that I faced as an African American mom raising my two kids , who were in the public school system .

I really wanted to understand how teachers were trained and what the research provided about the challenges of the public education system . Once I gained the information and the insights that I needed , I was then equipped to be able to successfully support my children in their educational progress .

This battle-tested experience is what I provide as action steps for you to take . It's like enjoying a bowl of educational research with a sprinkling of mother wisdom on top .

If you're looking to find out more about current information and issues in public education that could affect you and your children , and the action steps that you can take to give your children the advantages they need , then you're in the right place . Thanks for tuning in today .

I know that staying informed about K-12 public education trends and topics is important to you , so keep listening . Give me 30 minutes and I'll untangle the latest trends , issues and topics pertaining to this constantly evolving K-12 public education environment . In this episode , I'll be sharing my thoughts about the importance of setting boundaries .

Anyone who knows me even for a short amount of time knows that I have no interest in the latest political craziness that's going on in America and what's being reported on a daily basis in the media . And what's being reported on a daily basis in the media .

My husband , however , has an affinity to listen to this negativity and shares the latest news as well as his fears about these situations . It's as if he has some magnet that attracts him to bad news and negativity . I've told him several times that I have no interest in hearing this noise .

However , he didn't really seem to get it until I set a firm boundary about not expressing the latest foolishness

with me . I also let him know that I would not be participating in any conversations around these topics . Did he like that ? I set that boundary , no , but I didn't set it for him . What it did do was change the topic of conversation when he wanted to talk to me .

I let him know that talking about politics disturbs my spirit and setting a boundary around that area helps me maintain my mental wellness and well-being . This means that he'll have to change what he wants to talk to me about . Oh well , is it likely that he'll still try to insert some updates about politics when talking to me ?

Sure , but at that time I'll simply reiterate my boundary . I discuss why it's necessary to set boundaries in your personal and professional life in this episode . Let's untangle this . Setting boundaries will set you free , and here's the number one reason why most people don't set boundaries the fear of someone getting mad at them .

But I ask you , is their getting mad a you problem or a them problem ? So what are boundaries ? Boundaries are the limits that we set to protect our personal space , emotions , time and digital presence . They're essential because they help us maintain a sense of identity , protect our well-being and ensure respectful interactions in both personal and professional settings .

Boundaries are basically the expectations and meaning that help you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships . According to therapist Nedrick Lover-Trawag , there are certain signs that let you know that you need to establish boundaries . These signs include when you feel overwhelmed . When you feel resentment toward people for asking for your help .

When you avoid phone calls and interactions with people you think might ask something of you .

When you make comments about helping people and getting nothing in return and getting nothing in return , when you feel burned out and when you frequently daydream about dropping everything and disappearing because you have no time for yourself , these are all signs that you need to set boundaries . What happens when you don't set boundaries ?

Well , you begin to feel taken advantage of , frustrated , irritated , annoyed and bitter , all of which are the result of resentment that you feel because you didn't set any limits , and being resentful impacts the way you deal with people . It breeds conflicts , it can make you paranoid and it can cause you to put up a wall .

In fact , long-term resentment affects how you perceive the intention of others . It shows up in things when you feel like you're doing something out of obligation for others instead of out of just the pure joy of helping . And let's be real resentment can be palpable . There are different types of boundaries , and each type has its significance .

One type of boundary are physical boundaries . These involve personal space and physical touch . They're crucial for feeling safe and comfortable in your environment . For example , my home office is my personal sanctuary .

I set it up that way by intent , and I have things placed in areas around my office in the way that I want , because these things make me feel comfortable . The furnishings I have in my office , the knickknacks and mementos that I have in there , are there for a reason and I don't like them to be disturbed . Another type of boundary is emotional boundaries .

These protect your emotional well-being by allowing you to separate your feelings from others . They help in managing emotional responses and avoiding burnout . I mentioned this earlier , but understanding what's a you problem and what's a me problem

is very important for establishing emotional boundaries . It helps you to identify the monkeys that you allow to hang around your neck and what things you won't allow to be placed on your neck or your back . The third type of boundary are time boundaries . These involve managing how you spend your time , ensuring you have enough time for work , rest and leisure .

They're vital for productivity and avoiding over-commitment . Take an inventory or make a list of everything you need to do at work and at home for just one week . How long does it take you to accomplish each task During this exercise ? Identify what you really have to do and what can be delegated .

You might be surprised at how much time you can actually save by refining your to-do list . The fourth type of boundary involves digital boundaries . These relate to your online presence and how you manage digital interactions . They help in preventing digital overload and maintaining privacy .

A good practice is to monitor how many hours a day you spend on social media , and of course , there are apps to help you track that social media and of course , there are apps to help you track that . Another good practice is to not sleep with your phone on the nightstand next to your bed .

One last practice that you can incorporate is to implement a morning routine that doesn't involve social media . Whether that's prayer , meditation , reading spiritual texts , stretching or journaling , any of these activities help set your day up for one that's productive and energetic .

The best part is that none of these practices are about responding to the world's or other people's requests or crises . The benefits of setting boundaries include improved mental health . Boundaries help reduce stress and anxiety by preventing overwhelm and ensuring you have time for self-care . Another benefit of setting boundaries is increased productivity .

By setting limits on your time and energy , you can focus better on tasks and avoid distractions . One last benefit that I'll mention right now of setting boundaries is better work-life balance . Boundaries ensure that you have time for both work and personal life , preventing burnout and promoting overall well-being . A boundary is a cue to others for how to treat you .

Now . Communicating your boundaries is a different topic unto itself , but there are some things to consider . First , be clear and direct about your boundary that you're setting . Use I statements to express your needs clearly . Stay calm and respectful by approaching the conversation with empathy and understanding . And finally , be consistent when communicating boundaries .

Reinforce your boundaries regularly to ensure they are respected . The process of knowing when you have a boundary issue , communicating the need for a boundary and following up with action is a process that isn't always pretty , and dealing with what comes after can

be quite uncomfortable . But the more you do it , the easier it gets . But the more you do it , the easier it gets , especially when you experience the peace of mind that follows . These are some of the reasons why people don't respect your boundaries , according to Nedger Glover , twop .

You don't take yourself seriously , you don't hold people accountable , you apologize for setting boundaries , you allow too much flexibility , you speak in uncertain terms , you haven't verbalized your boundaries because they're all in your head .

You assume that stating your boundaries once is enough and you assume that people will figure out what you want and need based on how you act when they violate a boundary . These are the reasons people don't respect your boundaries . There are common challenges to setting those boundaries and ways to overcome them . One common challenge is guilt , or fear of rejection .

The way to overcome that is to remind yourself that boundaries are necessary for healthy relationships . Another common challenge is pushback from others . To overcome that , stand firm and reiterate your boundaries if they are challenged . Yet another common challenge is internal resistance .

You can overcome this by practicing self-compassion and reminding yourself of the benefits of boundaries . Other challenges include people ignoring your boundary , rationalizing and questioning your boundary , defensiveness , ghosting people , giving you the silent treatment and , ultimately , acceptance . Regardless of these common challenges , there's a significant reason to set boundaries .

You need to set boundaries because they are a safeguard to overextending yourself . They are a self-care practice . They define roles in relationships . They communicate acceptable and unacceptable behaviors in relationships . They are parameters for knowing what to expect in relationships . They're a way that you ask people to show up by upholding your needs .

They are a way to communicate your needs to others . They are a way to create healthy relationships . They are a way to create clarity and they are a way to feel safe . The meaning of boundaries as described in this list comes from several therapists , including Nedra Glover Tuvav . So once you've set boundaries , how can you maintain those boundaries ?

One way to maintain boundaries is through regular reflection . Periodically assess your boundaries to ensure they are still serving you . Your boundaries can change as you grow through personal development . In other words , boundaries grow and expand over time as your needs change . Another way to maintain boundaries is through adaptability .

Be willing to adjust boundaries as circumstances change . Another way to maintain boundaries is through self-advocacy . Continue to communicate and enforce your boundaries . There are two steps in setting boundaries communication and action . Explicitly stating what you expect is a great way to communicate your boundaries .

This means that there's little room for others to misinterpret what works for you . This can be as simple as letting someone know that you're uncomfortable with their tone . Setting this boundary helps the person understand how they speak to you is important , and it also tells them how you expect to be treated .

Boundaries are often the cure for most relationship problems . Both people in a relationship have to participate and respect boundaries on either side . These are the signs of an unhealthy relationship 1 . You are unable to express your

needs because the other person refuses to listen . Two , the other person refuses to meet reasonable requests . Three there's emotional , physical or sexual abuse . Four you feel sad , angry , drained or disappointed after most interactions . Five the relationship is one-sided you give and they take . Six there's a lack of trust in the relationship .

Seven the other person refuses to change some unhealthy behaviors . And eight the other person has an addiction or mental illness that is harmful to you . There's a connection between self-care and boundaries . Setting boundaries is a form of self-care because it prioritizes your needs and well-being .

It allows you to recharge and maintain a healthy balance between giving to others and taking care of yourself . The root of self-care is setting boundaries . This means saying no to something in order to say yes to your own emotional , physical and mental well-being . And now I'll switch over for a brief discussion about challenges in remote environments .

As far as setting boundaries , basically there's a blurred line between work and home , especially when you work remotely . Set specific work hours and create a dedicated workspace . If you work from 8 to 5 , for example , with a lunch break between 1230 to 130, .

Explicitly state that you can also put an automated message out that when you leave the office at five o'clock , you'll respond to emails when you return to the office the next day .

Without setting these clear boundaries , you are letting your co-workers , team leaders and others know that you're available at all times and all days , and this is not a good message to send because it leads to burnout . The other aspect of challenges in remote environments involves increased digital communication .

The goal is to limit screen time and set boundaries for digital interactions . Your phone is a device for communications digitally . However , it is not available at all times when you're out of the office . If that practice continues , there's really no boundary between work and personal life , and there has to be a boundary between them .

Is setting boundaries something that you struggle with ? Where are you in need of boundaries right now ? Are you in need of boundaries right now ? Take the time right now , yes , while you're listening to this episode , to make a mental note of three places or three relationships where you'd like to set a boundary .

As is the usual case with these personal , thought-provoking episodes that I provide at the end of each month , I end this episode with either relevant quotes or a clean joke . I share this joke for your amusement . A woman came home screeching her car into the driveway and ran into the house .

She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs to her husband Pack your bags . I won the lottery . The husband said oh my God , what should I pack ? Beach stuff or mountain stuff ? It doesn't matter . She said Just get out . And that wraps up the final episode of season three .

We'll be taking a summer break now and we'll be back September 2nd with the first episode of season four . In the meantime , the first episode of Season 4 . In the meantime , enjoy some of the other episodes from my catalog . Did you enjoy this episode ?

If so , go to my podcast website at k12educationuntangledbuzzsproutcom and leave me a text message about how you're enjoying my show . That's k12educationuntangledbuzzsproutcom . Go to the episode description page and click on the send me a text message link Again , it's k12educationuntangledbuzzsproutcom and leave me a text message today . Thanks for listening to this episode .

I hope you'll come back for more K-12 educational discussions with even more exciting topics to untangle . Until next time , aim to learn something new every day . Enjoy your summer .