Episode 105: Embracing the Understanding that Parenthood is not Transactional

educators and administrators , as well as experiencing the microaggressions that I faced as an African-American mom raising my two kids , who were in the public school system . I really wanted to understand how teachers were trained and what the research provided about the challenges of the public education system .

Once I gained the information and the insights that I needed , I was then equipped to be able to successfully support my children in their educational progress . Support my children in their educational progress . This podcast is at the intersection between education , research and parental actions .

If you're looking to find out more about the current trends , issues and themes in education that could affect you or your children , and you want to know the specific actions you can take to support and advocate for your children , and you want to know the specific actions you can take to support and advocate for your children , then you're in the right place .

Thanks for tuning in today . I know that staying informed about K-12 education topics is important to you , so keep listening . On this episode , I'll be sharing my thoughts about why parenting is not transactional . The other day , my husband was lamenting about not being close to his son now that he's an adult .

My husband stated that he thought that all the time that he put in teaching him things , attending his sporting events , taking him to the movies and other entertainment spots would somehow translate into having a close relationship with his son now that he's a man . But most of the time , parenting doesn't work that way . Work that way .

I reminded him that he needs to accept what is and , more importantly , that parenting is not transactional . I explore the essence of what parenting is and how to deal with the expectations of reciprocity as part of my discussion . Let's untangle this discussion . Let's untangle this .

My husband is not the only person who has this expectation of reciprocity in a parent-child relationship . Apparently , there are many parents who feel this way , and it seems to be primarily parents who have only one child .

The investment that you make in your children while they are growing up may not pay the dividends that you want in the way you anticipate when they are grown . That's the reality . Of course , it could also be a cultural thing . In any case , it's important enough of an issue to share my thoughts and insights about it . Parenting involves unconditional love .

Your love for your children is not based on transactions , but rather on an unconditional bond that goes beyond any exchange . It's called unconditional love , not conditional love based on whether they do something that you approve . You love your child regardless of whether there are parts of their personality that you dislike .

Love should not be contingent on specific outcomes or behaviors , but rather on a deep , enduring bond . You just love and accept your children for who they are , in spite of their idiosyncrasies , get to know them and appreciate them for who they are . My mother used to say that there are two things that children require Unconditional love and your time .

Parenting also involves emotional support . As a parent , you provide emotional support to your children without expecting anything in return , nurturing their emotional well-being . Creating an environment in which children feel safe to come to you to discuss what's going on in their lives is crucial .

By providing the necessary emotional support , your children know that you have their best interest at heart and that you want to see them thrive as they navigate the world around them . Parenting involves guidance and mentorship . You serve as guides and mentors to your children , offering wisdom and advice to help them navigate life's challenges .

Guiding children on the journey to adulthood includes things such as understanding the importance of relationships , assisting them on their academic endeavors and mentoring them in social situations . It's important to understand when to step in to provide guidance and mentorship and when to let your children struggle a bit before you step in .

The point is to step in when necessary or when asked no-transcript . Parenting also involves setting boundaries . You understand the significance of setting boundaries , not as a transaction , but as a way to teach your children about respect and responsibility .

Boundaries are necessary for physical and emotional safety , allowing children to understand what's acceptable and unacceptable with their actions or words . Overstepping boundaries leads to consequences and these need to be applied consistently . Parents also teach values . You instill values in your children , not as a tradeoff , but as a foundation for their moral development .

It's the values that are important , not buying them things that you never got when you were a child . Values last longer than things . It is those values that you'd like to see reflected in their adult behaviors in their adult behaviors . Parenting involves celebrating achievements .

You celebrate your children's accomplishments not as a reward for specific actions , but as a way to show support and encouragement . You recognize the sacrifice that's involved from your child and from you as part of accomplishing a goal .

No doubt your child put the effort in , but you sacrifice your time , energy and availability when you may have wanted to do other things . It takes commitment to make that sacrifice and quite often commitment is not convenient , and parenting involves building trust . The fundamental aspect of the parent-child relationship is building trust .

This trust building comes without expecting anything in return . You need to be dependable , someone your children can count on , irrespective of the situation . Trust is a two-way street . Irrespective of the situation , trust is a two-way street , though . Part of the trust-building relationship is your children establishing trust from you .

They need to be consistent , dependable and accountable when given a task . As your children grow , the level of responsibility and independence that they develop depends on your level of trust in what they're doing .

For example , when they say they're going to be at a certain place at a certain time , they need to follow through on that by being consistent and dependable . This builds the trust relationship with you so that you can expand on the types of activities that you allow them to participate in . So why do some parents unknowingly think of parenting as transactional ?

Here are some reasons why this may happen . One parental expectations . Some parents may have high expectations for their children based on the time and effort they invested in raising them .

These expectations can stem from a desire to see their children succeed and thrive , but the expectation that your child will reciprocate your expectations , as reflected in a close relationship , when they grow up may be unrealistic . Your responsibilities as a parent to raise your child with the values that you feel are important .

Your responsibilities also include to feed , clothe and keep them safe . Educating them at the higher education level is a bonus . Two a sense of ownership . Many parents feel a sense of ownership over their children's achievements and behaviors due to the sacrifices they made while raising them .

This sense of ownership can lead to expectations of reciprocity in the parent-child relationship , which often leads to disappointment in later years . Three cultural and societal influences . This may be another reason why some parents think of parenting as transactional .

Cultural norms and societal pressures can play a role in shaping a parent's belief about the relationship between investment and outcomes in parenting . These influences can contribute to the expectation of a return on investment in the parent-child relationship . You may expect that your child will love you in return , but this is not a guarantee either .

All you can do is the best that you can , being satisfied with the work that you put in . Four communication and boundaries . Open communication and setting boundaries in the parent-child relationship is important so that you address any discrepancies in expectations .

Encouraging healthy dialogue can help both parties understand each other's perspectives and foster a more balanced relationship . You need to let your child know what you expect from them when they become adults . Know what you expect from them when they become adults .

The best outcome is that you and your children are friends who respect each other and enjoy each other's company . Five shifting dynamics the evolving nature of the parent-child relationship naturally occurs as children grow up and become independent individuals . It's essential for you to adapt to these changing dynamics and embrace your children's autonomy

while maintaining a supportive role . The relationship that you have with your children when they are young is definitely going to be different when they become teenagers . Accept that it changes again when they become adults . Whatever form a relationship takes when your children become adults sets the foundation for your interaction with them .

You enjoy their company when you talk to them or see them , you pray for them and you wish the best for them in all aspects of life . This is what accepting , what is looks like . And six mutual respect . It's important to have mutual respect between you and your children so that you don't think of parenting as a transaction .

This mutual respect is where both parties acknowledge and appreciate each other's perspectives , efforts and boundaries perspectives , efforts and boundaries Respecting each other's autonomy and individuality can help foster a healthy and balanced relationship .

Adjusting to a relationship with an adult child who doesn't meet the parent's expectation of reciprocity can be challenging but ultimately rewarding . Some strategies that you can consider to navigate this situation in a healthy and constructive manner include open communication .

Having open and honest conversations with your adult child about your expectations and feelings regarding the relationship is crucial . Listening to each other's perspectives can help bridge any gaps and foster understanding . Have this conversation in a casual setting , not when emotions run high and you end up saying something that you can't take back .

This is the conversation that never came between my husband and his son , so my husband's unspoken expectations were something that only he knew . You can feel all bent out of shape about something unbeknownst to the other person . It takes courage to have that conversation . Two respect autonomy . It's important to respect your adult child's autonomy and individuality .

Acknowledge that your child is now an independent individual with his or her own thoughts , beliefs and choices , some of which you may not agree with . Three adjust expectations . You should probably adjust your expectations and understand that the parent-child dynamic evolves as children grow into adulthood .

Embrace the changes and appreciate the unique qualities that your adult child brings to the relationship . Four focus on connection . Continue to build a connection with your adult child , not based on who you think they should be , but based on mutual love , respect and support rather than expectations of reciprocity .

Nurture the emotional bond you share and find common ground to strengthen your relationship . Five accept differences . Accept your adult child's individuality and differences , recognizing that diversity enriches the relationship . They're not a mini-me of you . Embracing each other's uniqueness can lead to a more fulfilling and harmonious connection .

At this point , understand what you can and forgive what you don't . Six set boundaries . Setting healthy boundaries in the parent-child relationship is relevant even in adulthood , where both parties respect each other's needs and limits . Communicate your boundaries clearly and encourage your adult child to do the same . Mutual understanding is vital .

And finally , number seven seek support . You can always seek support from friends , family members or a therapist if you're struggling to adjust to your relationship with your adult child . Any of these would be helpful and preferred when compared to not having communication with your adult children .

Having a support system can provide guidance and perspective during this transitional period . These strategies can help you navigate the shift in your relationship with your adult child . When the child doesn't meet a parent's expectations of reciprocity , it's all about accepting what is .

This involves acknowledging the reality of the situation , embracing the changes that comes with the child's adulthood and finding peace in the present moment . By accepting what is , you let go of rigid expectations and instead focus on nurturing a relationship with your adult child based on love , respect and understanding .

This acceptance allows for growth , adaptation and development of a more authentic and fulfilling connection between you and your adult children . It can certainly lead to less anxiety and a more restful night's sleep . As is the usual case with these personal thought-provoking episodes , I provide you with relevant quotes or a clean joke .

I submit this joke for your enjoyment . It's called Mommy's Way . A man went to the store with his three-year-old daughter in tow . Since he was just there to grab some essentials like milk and bread , he opted to save some time by not pushing a cart around the store . That's not the way Mommy does it .

His daughter informed him I know dear , but Daddy's way is okay too , he replied . Leaving the store in the rain and without a cart , he carried the bag of groceries , his daughter and the milk quickly to the car .

Not wanting to set anything down on the wet ground , he set the jug of milk on top of the car , efficiently , whisked open the car door with his now free hand , scooted the groceries in and set his daughter into the car seat in one swift motion . Then he hopped in himself . That's not the way mommy does it . His daughter informed him again .

Honey , there's more than one way to do things . He replied patiently Daddy's way is okay too .

As they pulled out and headed down the street , he became aware of the scraping sound on the roof as the jug of milk slid down the length of the rooftop , bounced off the trunk of the car and splattered to the ground , sending a froth of white milk in every direction .

In the millisecond he took to process his mistake , his young daughter looked at him and , in a most serious voice , said that's not the way mommy does it . By the way , this is my last episode for Season 2 .

We've covered a lot of topics this season that you found quite interesting , based on your feedback and the download numbers , and while I'm on a summer break from producing weekly episodes , I'll still be in contact with you via email or on social media , highlighting specific episodes and what to expect in Season 3 , which begins September 3rd .

Be sure to stay tuned and stay in touch . Did you enjoy this episode ? If so , then go to my podcast website at k12educationuntangledbuzzsproutcom and leave me a text message about how you're enjoying my show . That's k12educationuntangledbuzzsproutcom . Go to the episode description and click on the send me a text message link .

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That includes your friends , family and community . Thanks for listening today . I hope you'll come back for more K-12 educational discussions with even more exciting topics to untangle . Until next time , aim to learn something new every day .