Sexual Intelligence in Business w/ Bobbi Bidochka

I think that we we want to sort of pull back from these extreme What am I getting already in the Do my hair and face and everything if nobody

My loves, welcome back to another episode of Just Press Foreplay. I am your host, Susie, and this week we have a very, very exciting episode for you. We have Bobby Padoshka. She is an accidental author. Um but about to accidentally step her way into being an author of three new books. Um her first book, Sexual Intelligence in Business, is now out and her and I have a really awesome discussion on this episode just about all things sexual energy.

Self-empowerment, all kinds of stuff. So please, please enjoy and be on the lookout for her two new books that will be coming out in the near future. Obviously they are just baby ideas right now, but I am so inspired by this woman and I hope you are inspired as well. Before we get into those goods, this week's episode is brought to you by Neutralite, less stress, more yes gummies.

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everything on here have been in our household for years, so you can even ask me what my personal opinion on any of these are. Alright, without further ado, let's get into this week's episode because I am so So excited, honored, and privileged to have been able to have this conversation with Bobby and I'm even more excited to get to share it with you all. Enjoy!

All right. Well, welcome. We are listening to Just Press Foreplay. And today we have Bobby Bidoshka, um, wonderful woman of power, a lot of exciting business uh ventures that you have going on and have had in your past. Do you wanna? Tell us a little bit about yourself. Yes, sure. So thank you, Susie, for having me on your podcast. Yeah, so what do I do? I do a bunch of things. So I'm author of Sexual Intelligence for Business.

My recently published book. And then I'm also a venture associate for a tech incubator. I am the founder of my own company, Imagine Ideation. And I mean, besides, like I'm a board member of stuff and advisors of stuff, and we won't bother listing all that there. But yeah, that's basically what I get up to. Plus, a mother of also. Probably the most exciting part for you. Um, imagine ideation. Can you tell us a little bit about that?

Yes, so it's um we're purposely vague. Like if you go to our website and you read what we do, facilitation, consultation. Um, we move ideas forward. that's basically our motto. We do that in various ways. Like we originally started um the company because of events. So we wanted to be doing um strategic events, not sort of like random events, very much purpose driven.

with a strategy in mind, um, because we always felt like some of the networking events were just a bit random. And then you kind of walk away like I'm not so sure that that was a good use of my time. Right. Um And same with business events and conferences. Um so rather than just sitting around listening, um, we wanted more to

Strategically get people more engaged and also people aren't always comfortable networking. So having actual connectors on site that like pull you over here and facilitate everything. Um but then COVID happened and so we just kind of pivoted to do The same idea of doing that, but in a virtual sense. So we we do do virtual events as well. Like we don't we're not a platform, so we just go get whatever platform you want to use.

But we help facilitate that. But we also help social enterprise and nonprofits. With communication strategies, social media. Um operational strategy. um even sometimes recruitment. So just kind of like whatever it is that they need. We have large tentacles within the community. So it's kind of like, tell me what you need and I will find it for you. Yeah. Yeah. No, I just I love when I was doing some research on just everything about you. I just love that it's kind of

um purpose driven. It's not just information, okay, go ahead and have fun with this, but there's actually things that you can grasp and hold on to and be like, okay, I can do that. I can do that. I can move forward. And that's kind of like the idea I got.

from what's in your book, even though I haven't had the privilege of reading it yet, but it's more like would you agree with that? Is it kind of like gives people something to go with? Yeah, I mean the the book is a whole different um a whole different subject matter. Right. But the what you should be walking away from the book is um information. about how um how you can use sex and navigate sex in business and the workplace.

Um, you know, even for there's a a lot of information uh from both sides. So, you know, from the from the f female perspective, from the male perspective, as far as, you know, identity issues and you know, if I'm not the breadwinner. Um, you know, what am I doing now? It's like if there's if women are advancing, I where's my place in this world? Kind of things. There's some struggle. Um there.

Um, on top of the fact that you know there's a lot of sexual harassment, which is also an issue, and we need to start figuring out how to navigate um that stuff too. without completely eliminating the fact that people actually meet and build relationships and office romance. Like most more than 50% of people actually meet their partners at work or in business.

So that is happening. That's going to continue to happen. Um, but how do we do that in a way that cause right now everyone's kind of bit uncomfortable, like, okay, I don't know what can I do? When what can I say if I like a person? What do I do about that without risking like you know, you know, getting into into trouble and stuff. So so there's that.

Of course, there's real, real sexual harassment cases which need to be dealt with in a different way. But you sort of want to figure out how can how can we have both of these things going on in a in a way that works well. And then there's just the general sense that actually you can use sex to enhance your business because it produces neurochemicals. that can get you into a flow state or a state of mind that makes you more productive and more creative.

Um, and so if you if you just Google flow state, I mean there's lots of lots of stuff about it, but what it really is, is it's um it's kind of like Runners high. Um, you know, when you're doing uh you get this sort of extra sensation. So sex is a trigger to get you into a state. Where like even the US, the US Navy uses this to train their Navy SEALs and things like that. So you can learn a language instead of six months and six weeks.

Some people have credited like their most genius ideas while being in a flow state. And so it's you can be ultra productive, ultra creative. And beyond that, there's actually tons of health benefits. Yeah to having sex like tons, um it's anti-aging. Um, it it just helps with a lot of, you know, feminine issues. Um getting some stagnant energy out. Get a flow call. People think, Oh, I have a headache, I don't want to have sex, but actually it cures.

headaches. Um and so there's like also exponential benefits that we continue to have. I mean, beyond the fact that also it's good for you to do sexual health is important, self-love is important, helps relationship.

Um so yeah, all that kind of stuff. Um why do you think oh I'm sorry, go ahead. No, go ahead. Um why do you think there's such a strong taboo around sex? Because you know it is something that is in us. It creates us, you know. So why are we so stuck with Yes. I think it's maybe it's it's an artifact actually from the past where

I mean, there's some religious factors in there. There's some theories about, you know, when when industrialization came around that they really wanted to um Like, I'm not sure how diabolical it was if they all sat around a table and came up with this idea, but it made more sense to promote marriage. Um because it kept you sort of organized, right? Wanted people to go to work. into the factories, do your job, don't be distracted.

um and then go home and you know be quiet and be, you know, obedient and then keep going back to work and pay your taxes and and and do all that. They didn't want people, you know, getting getting ideas about creativity and, you know, like, Um this is this is what industrialization kind of meant. Like they needed workers to be

sort of, you know, yeah. Yeah. Well, it wasn't even just focus, it's just like go to work and get it done kind of thing. Um So there's there's that, and there was his of course there's historical. um taboos. And I I think that I think we're in a phase now where we're coming out of that. There's a lot more. Um, but yeah, there there is something very bizarre um about the um It's like two sides of the of the same coin. So we at once talk about sex as if it's taboo and

and it's secrets in the dark, but yet it's really not. Like it's in it's on TV, it's in magazines, it's everywhere. We are actually constantly talking about it. Right. Every day someone mentions something about something. And now, you know, just because we're talking about sexual harassment.

doesn't mean we're not we're still talking about sex. That right. So even if it's the the dark side of things, um, we still talk about it, constantly talking about it. Um, especially when you have um you know, the LGBTQ2 plus sort of revolutions over time, this also is implicated in sex, your gender and and your preference.

um, your body parts. Like we're we're just constantly talking about it. So it's even it's even funny that we kind of still say that it's taboo. It's actually not. We're just constantly talking about it. Right. It is always being talked about. And I find it funny because I feel like For some people who say they don't talk about it, it's more of a secrecy, like they do explore the topic, they just don't explore it with other people. It's more just with themselves.

or, you know, with porn or yeah, yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Talk about it with select people. They pick and choose the people that they're comfortable with. And of course, there's different environments where that's deemed inappropriate to discuss.

uh things of that nature. But yeah, I I I might argue that the fact that people deem it inappropriate is the exact reason why people are afraid to speak out against sexual harassment. Yeah. Yeah. I find I also find that when people talk about it being inappropriate, it's more that they're uncomfortable with the topic. rather than it being more inappropriate. It's just they don't know how to communicate with it.

Yeah. And then we have a sexual education issue also. Yeah. Yeah. That's sexualized as the education, I feel like, is what they're trying to push right now. And it's a very scary, scary thought. Yes. I mean, so it kind of starts early, right? The whole we don't want to talk about it. thing starts early, but like the kids still talk about it. So Yeah.

And I remember being young as a child, like, you know, sneaking around the corner because I know I'm not allowed to watch the movie that's on TV and I'm supposed to be in bed. So like we're still exposed to all of these things. Yeah, yeah, that's I mean I don't disagree with those sort of age appropriate subjects.

Um that but nonetheless there's there is plenty of Thank goodness for the internet now very suitable, well-structured sex education platforms online that you know parents and others should be become more aware of because we can't rely on the schools at this point.

Yeah, no. Or they're friends, which is even worse. It's worse, right? Or porn for that matter. Yeah, absolutely. Um, I actually have a really funny story. So my little brother, he's he's kind of a unique character because he Um, he's 18 now, but he's always kind of like when there's movies on TV where women are over-sexualized or something like that.

Instead of stopping and watching, he would always make these comments of like, why are they doing that? Why is why are their butts out? Like when he was four years old. And now he's like I'm blown away at his ability to process how women are behaving based off like their self-esteem. Do you think that there's a correlation with um self-esteem and How comfortable people are talking about sexuality.

Oh well, I there's definitely a correlation. Um, because I think anyone who might have some s self-esteem issues might um have many issues um in discussing a multitude of topics. But I think it actually can go both ways. So there's the the side of someone who you know, might be a little bit shy to speak, you know, to speak publicly regardless. They just aren't one that wants to talk in a crowd or to voice their opinions, regardless of the topic, certainly not vote sex.

And then there's the others that overcompensate. So for the girls that I guess. Some do it because they like it. Um They like how they feel when they dress sexy and others do it because they feel like If I don't do this, I'm not gonna get the male attention that I like and I won't, you know, I won't stand out and nobody will look at me like I'm pretty or stuff like that. And if I don't do this sexual act, you know, he won't like me.

Um, and so there there's that's also that's a huge problem. Um it's I think it's hard to differentiate the two um from the outside. And it's also I think someone um Once you get a little bit older, you might look back and say to yourself, Yeah, I dressed like that because I was trying to get attention, not because, you know, I really loved wearing short skirts. It's just that that got me the attention over, you know, some other girl who was wearing, you know, buttoned up shirt.

Um, but then you learn over time that there's a certain there's a good attention and there's a not so good attention. Right. Um, you know, not to say that again, you know, if you are um showing skin that that's an invitation. um, you know, for for sexual advances, but nonetheless it does does get attention and something the wrong way.

Yeah, so um like with because I love that you use the word intelligence because it kind of it removes the idea of being manipulative with your sexuality, but instead just having an awareness. of what you're bringing in and what you're putting out. So, you know, it's not so much of like this is correct or this is not correct, but it's more of like intellectually what is correct for you and what you're trying to get.

Um, so is there because I don't know how old your kids are, but is there something that you're doing to kind of like help them learn in a way that you weren't able to learn or in a way that you would have liked to learn about your sexuality and You know, harnessing all of that. Well, I mean my kids are a bit young. They're six and eight. Okay. But one thing that I've always done is I've not hidden my body. Um and so I'm not, I don't demonstrate to my daughter that I'm ashamed of my body. So it's

It's not that I'm walking around the naked house naked all the time, but when I'm dressing and they're there, it's like nothing. Right. Uh you know, we've we've showered together, we bath together, we do all sorts of things together. And there's so there's no body shaming. Right. I love that. So that's number one. Um number two is that when she's when we're talking about, you know, what

what she might like to do with her life or the types of things that are important, we just always are just always talking about education and being intelligent and learning. So we just keep reinforcing that those are the things that you should do. Um even though she's actually quite gorgeous, if I do say so myself. Um, but we try to make that like tertiary. Um, so that, you know, cause she does now that she's got some peer friends. She's I've heard her say actually like, is my butt big?

And her body looks just thin. Yeah. Oh my god, what are you saying? Of course your butt's not big, your butt is perfect. But besides the point, forget about your butt and focus on your homework. Right. Yeah. So we just try to like let her know that That's not the the important things in life. So that's a and then there will be very soon some time. Like she also she's seen me take out my tampon. What is that? I tell her.

Yeah, we we use the terms. I don't I don't dumb anything down. If she has a question, I explain it. You know, why why you don't have hair? Mommy likes the wax, like the questions, like so that they don't feel shame in asking questions. Um this it's just very normal. Yeah. And that's huge because not so many people like I was parented in a very um sheltered kind of way, but then on my grandparents' side everything was very open.

So my aunt wouldn't hide her body. Like the phone rang one time and she ran out of the sh the bathroom naked and I was a little like, what just happened? But then I'm also like thinking about how my grandparents raised them and I'm like, well, actually that's normal. Why am I shocked by this? Like. I have a body too. It's just my aunt. It's nothing sexual. It's just a moment, you know? And these young kids, there's so many who are being raised.

As young kids, but in reality, we're raising young adults and they're the next generation of business and all of these types of understandings in life, you know. So it's it's huge that we educate on that and don't run away from it. Um

When you were writing your book, what was some of the feedback that you were getting while all of it was coming together? Um, well what I would at first I just didn't tell anybody. Like there was a good while that I really didn't tell anybody, not even then. My husband, I told him I'm writing a book. It's about sex and that's about all he knew. Um just because I was a bit concerned, you know, I was also at the time working at a you know, at a university that

Probably wouldn't have loved that. Um but over time um people just kept I go, you're writing a book, what's it about? I'm like Okay, so I just started telling people about it and the feedback was always Um, yes, because I was like, hey, listen, after the Me Too, don't you notice now the workplace is a bit fucked up?

Like we're all concerned about what we should say and what we should do and it can't crack a sex joke. And I like, I like cracking sex jokes. Um, you know, but also noticing like some people do and some people don't. And like everybody wanted this. especially, you know, HR policy at companies want this, we should do one, two, three according to policy and nothing else. Like everybody wanted a silver bullet solution to sexual harassment.

And I was but that won't work because you have to read people. You have to figure out where people's boundaries are. That actually takes a little bit of effort. Like why am I getting all ready in the morning and do my hair and my face and everything if nobody can pay me a damn compliment? Yeah. Like you're thinking it, like I wanna tell my colleague, you look great today. Yeah.

I mean you don't need to be creepy like hey what that's a nice package you got there guy I like that hemline muscles or whatever but you want to be able to tell people you're looking snazzy today. You like there's a way to do it that's not creepy. Right. So then I just also felt like um when I so I have male mentors and you know most men are in decision-making positions and if I want to build a relationship with them, um

That entails generally eating and drinking. That's kind of how we do things as humans. We break bread. Um, and so sometimes they're like, I don't know, should we go for drinks or dinner? Uh are you okay with that? I'm like, Man, we gotta chill. Like, right? I'm okay with that. Because believe me, if somebody crossed the line, I would just tell them immediately, like, Either if they're like wet aligned, like fuck the fuck off. Um, I have no problem with that.

Um, or you could just be nice, like, hey, I don't, you know, I don't fancy you that way, or I already have a boyfriend, or I already have a girlfriend, or whatever, but I still like you and let's hang out and be friends. Like. There's there's ways around that. But the guy the men were very were starting to get very uncomfortable. They're like, I don't want to get in trouble. Um, should we have like if we're gonna have a

possibly conflictual conversation, maybe a negotiation or something. Should there be a third party present? Um, you know, it's like we're gonna go to an event together. Should we take the same taxi? You know, do you wanna come in my car or is that too weird for you? I'm like, oh man, this is like this is this is gone.

Way far the other way. Well, and it kind of takes like the being human aspect out of things because as humans, we fail. We mess up our conversations and we learn from it. But when you have all of these rules and procedures in place, you kind of make those assumptions in your head beforehand and then you're just missing out on the whole interaction helps you.

elevate your communication almost, you know? You gotta make some mistakes so that so that and you have to teach the guys too, like, hey, probably you shouldn't have said that. I'm gonna let it slide this time, but next time try to not say it like that, say it like this. To the next girl or something. Like we have that they have to be taught. Um, and it and same for women. It's not like women don't say inappropriate stuff either.

Um, we know we're we're we're not these, you know, um, you know, angels on a pedestal here. women uh fail and make mistakes too. But I just kept getting the same feedback from people. Like, yes, it's weird. Yes, it's uncomfortable. I'm so glad you're gonna bring that to light because it this seems like and nobody's

Nobody's um brave enough to talk about it because like yeah it kind of sounds like I like I have this one girl um you know I I was talking to her about a podcast and then she's like actually I looked at your stuff and I'm she's like I'm pro me too. Like but I'm not. Yeah, it's not way this way or way this way. Because I have I have things to say about some results of the Me Too movement that aren't so great doesn't mean I'm anti Me Too. Like this is This is a very binary way of thinking.

Um, and but people will think that, right? People will think, oh, she's like promoting sexual manipulation and she's anti me too, which is not the case at all. Um, but yes, so there there was that's why people thought like that I was. It seemed like nobody wanted to talk about it'cause nobody wanted to get, you know, risk. um getting that type of feedback.

Yeah. Cause I I mean some of like the the more extreme feminist groups I could see, because there's a few episodes that I've done on the podcast where I'm like, Like if if the wrong person listens to this and like wants to contort it in a certain way, the message can definitely be like brought up in that light, but that's definitely not the intent.

Yes, yeah, exactly. So it's a thing, but you know, it's I still felt like I literally felt compelled. Like nobody else is gonna say anything. I'll do it. Well, yeah. And what I had noticed from this movement was a lot of Extreme on this end of now women just don't need men at all. And that's not the case. Like

We have to find the cohesive balance between everything. And there's a lot of men that women don't realize haven't had that role model in their life. So they're in these high status positions, but Mentality and being mentored on compassion and things like that didn't really exist. So they're just on this strong masculine sense.

Um, like w what type of situations like that have you noticed or has this been able to help with situations like that in your work? No, I mean I've had I've had so many conversations with so many great men who um Are concerned because it's never crossed their mind to sexually harassing women. It's just not like and thinking that all men have it in them. And that all men are like just on the edge of it, um, is is also incorrect. And so there's this whole, they're all kind of getting thrown in the

in the in the like the bad bucket, right? Like it's degrading in a way. It ca it can be. Like I'm I'm not saying that there aren't men who are are like that and are doing that. Of course there are. But also, you know, sexual harassment isn't really even about sex. It's a power thing. And so, you know, and what people also don't realize is that there's a lot of power. It's not just like, oh, men are more powerful than women. Um, within the the male sphere, they are like battling each other.

just as much, if not worse, right? And and there's a lot of guys that don't want to subscribe to this masculine archetype. You know, they're more on the emotional side. They're not big and muscular and like Am I supposed to feel like I'm not I'm less than a man because of this? And so they have their own, you know, they have their own body struggles, just the same. They have all of their own shame, just the same with sex, you know, performance.

um insects. Like they're I mean, they got loads of their own issues. They're not all, you know, sitting in their in their, you know, clubs with the whiskey and cigars in their hands celebrating their million dollar successes, right? Those are actually, you know, the rare case that your average guy um isn't isn't doing that. So it's like how do we

Yeah, we we need to balance it, right? And and I'm all for this advancement, obviously, and I'm all for getting women into, you know, male-dominated sectors because not just because they're women, but because diversity is important and diversity is good for business. um because you get different ideas and stuff. So it's it's good um for for many reasons other than the fact that you know you should can't just be you know all white men.

But, you know, yeah, this whole like women should run the world and the world will be so much better place um if it's only run by women. And I would argue that that's very easy to say now, but we have no No way of predicting that if women got up into these powerful powerful positions, that they wouldn't also have a percentage of women who are scandalous.

and unethical and you know not good at their jobs. Like there's we haven't ever had a model um to to base that on. And so, you know, it's very easy from down here to say that if I got up there, I would act like this or that, but power corrupts. Yeah. And it's it's easy to say. I did not know gender. Yeah. It is not uh gender specific power corrupts people. Um like you just you don't you don't know what it what the world would look like.

um if it were all what run by women. So it's better if it's just diverse. Yeah. Yeah. Um so I talk about sexual energy a lot in our podcast and kind of just tapping into, you know, what degree of the spectrum is your feminine and masculine. Some days you're gonna be more masculine, some days you're gonna be more feminine. That's just part of life. It works for men and women in that sense. But how would you describe sexual energy? Yeah, I wouldn't even, I wouldn't even put a gender on it.

I feel like it is literally an energy source. um that's running through your body and I mean it's we can't ever know what I feel in my body is the same with, you know, if if what he's feeling in his body. But what what I know is that, you know, when you are crushing on someone, when you are thinking about sex, fantasizing about sex, looking at sex, having sex, all of that kind of stuff, you are generating in your body chemicals from your brain that give you real live energy.

And this is a source that you can tap. Um, there are people who um sort of feel like I I have a uh an energy that feels feminine or I'm I'm like I would say if I was going to put myself on a spectrum like that, um, I have more male energy than I'd say I'm not really a girly girl. If you could say it like that. And even hormonally, I know that I have more testosterone and adrogens than I do other feminine hormones.

But that's a chemistry thing. That's not a, that's my biology. And there's not much you could do about that. um you kind of born and everybody's born with like a mix, right? So when you say spectrum, like that is bang on. Everyone's all flowing on the spectrum. So if you think about a biology going kind of this way and and your energy levels Going vertically, right? Because kind of go like runs up and down your body, the energy source. And this is what I think people can really tap.

Get involved in. Yeah. I I love that. Um did you have like a defining moment in your career in which you were like, okay, this is a power that I can use. I'm starting to understand it. I wouldn't say a a a defining moment. It was more of like a gradual realization. Um that that over time.

that part of my personality or characteristic is that I'm flirty. Um but that I I can turn it off and turn it on depending on different situations, like levels. I can I can have a knob, I can dial it up and dial it down. depending on like like a little dimmer switch. Groups that it's just not appropriate to do that to do that with. Um but I I did notice over time that it just helped to it actually helps to calm people.

And feel like there's a friendliness here. There's something I'm bonding with you on something that is universal. And so when I started to realize that. Yeah, there was no epiphany moment. Um I I can't say that. Um, but I I I'd say I noticed it in my twenties. Uh and then it's just something that I I I never really I noticed that some people did it and some people didn't and and that was okay because it's like whatever you're comfortable with.

Um, but yeah, just and I'd say when I started to get in my thirties and doing a lot more professional uh work that it just it just was helpful. Uh but it I mean, it's not like I ever When when people think about female sexual energy and they think about the femme fatale and the whole she's gonna manipulate. I never like offered sex in return for something. I never even alluded to it.

This this situation has never happened to me. Nobody has ever asked me. I've never offered. It's never, ever, ever, ever been like that. And I'm I've literally interacted, you know, with thousands and thousands of people. There there's also, I guess, a confidence that comes along with when you really own.

your sexuality and your sexual expression, you're super comfortable with it, um, then you're kind of like like people just don't, they wouldn't. They don't can't, you know. Um, I own it. You don't. I'm in control of of me. Um, and it's it's very evident of that. People like it. People, it feels good because it's not that the energy doesn't stay in my body, it transmits. Yeah. It transmits. People feel good. Yeah. A lot of people forget how much we emit off of ourselves.

Yes. And people want to be around people. If you're if you are creative and professional and respectful and smart and you deliver and you're fun to be around. Like and like why it's like the perfect combination. Yeah, why not use it? Yes. I think that there it's been too long and uh another historical artifact of

of calling women manipulative. Um, because really, if we really, really had that type of power, wouldn't we be in a You know, like if if we really just manipulate men left, right, and center, wouldn't we be on the other side of things of the sexual harassment wouldn't exist? Right. It's like some it just when you think about it like that.

How manipulative could we really be? We're obviously not doing a very good job. Well, and it's funny because there actually are women in those positions. It just doesn't get talked about it as much, but it does exist. Um what are some things that you kind of do to help? Because it it's it's a personal awareness thing, you know, like I know if I'm being manipulative to someone, it's my choice to bring attention to it or not.

Or keep going with it or not, or kind of pull the brakes on it or not. Is there anything that you kind of do or like advice that you would give to people who are? Like walking the borderline of like this could be manipulative, this could not, but how can I make myself not be on the manipulative side?

I mean right away if you feel like you're being manipulative then that's probably a signal that you might be. And so it's also like what is the situation? Are you trying to get something out of that person? You know, you don't you don't want to do it like that. It's it's for the purpose of generating positive energy. It's for the purpose of transmitting positive energy, it's for the purpose of building relationships.

Um, if you're trying to exchange, if you're considering it a commodity, um then I mean not to say in the adult industry, you know. It is a commodity and if you're cool with that, that's also cool. And there's an understanding, right, within the individual. Right. Yep. Giving me money and that's that's fine. But in other situations where you're wondering, like, are you really doing things?

Like I I don't know. I don't think you know, you would know. One would know. It's like tapping into it and not pretending like you're not aware of it. Like you but you shouldn't use it for manipulative purposes because it will it will never go down well anyway, right? It's really about bonding. um with people. You know, and if what comes of that is good professional stuff, that's great.

Um, but there should be like no discussion of exchange, nor no you're not allowed to do an exchange. It's not like, you know, I'll keep flirting with you if you you know, give me that deal or I might go on a date with you. No. Yeah, because it's not a give and take. It's I'm here for this business. Am I an asset to this or am I not? Yes, exactly. Exactly. So I yeah, I The only advice is

It's a it does boil down to intention. So as long as you have you know the right intentions, then I wouldn't worry too much about it. Now there's also the perception on the other side. You can't control what people think. Right. I mean no one's gonna say it directly to you like, hey, I think you're sexually manipulating me. Um I mean chances are pretty slim. Um but if you detect that, then you just might want to dial it back in case.

you you're not conveying what you're what you're intending. But that's good communication 101 anyway. Right off the bat. Anything. We could all be better at. Yeah. Um Because I'm sure with talking about this, the the topic of affairs pop up and like people who are afraid that if you're having all of these very strong, powerful women in business.

what happens to the wives who are not strong and as powerful? Or, you know, like, do you have any comments on that type of world when that starts to come about? Um, do you mean like if there's women in business um and the fact that they're there that they might have affairs with married men? Mm-hmm. Um are they married too or are they always single? Well, see, yeah, that's the thing. Cause it's like it I don't know, in the business world, there's so many times where I feel like

Men don't necessarily talk about the scandalous things that happen in the office. And then so women at home hear something like this where it's like sexual intelligence in the business, it comes off as a little bit scary. Well, I mean that both I guess values and ethics. And so when women started to enter uh the workforce in like the 40s and 50s. the amount of um affairs uh extramarital or just um relationships.

at work increased exponentially, obviously, because if you put men and and women or men and men, or depending like what orientation you are, um, you put them in a room together. This is why you can't erase sex from the workplace. You put people in the room together, someone Stuff happens. Um that's biology that you you're never gonna get away with that. Now um depending on the type of you know there's a lot to be said about infidelity.

um and why people cheat and and all of that. And I encourage people to go listen to Esther Perrell. She talks about it um really um really beautifully she calls it erotic intelligence um and there's a I talk a bit about that in the book. um from her um as well. But you know, why people cheat, if the fact that someone cheats as opposed to why they cheat, um

is something that people don't like, oh, that person cheated. Well, now they're like a horrible, unethical person. Yeah, but you don't know what's going on at home right with the other people's relationship. And the fact that you also people have what's called a work wife or work husband. Like I I have this colleague, I guess I'd call him on the academic congress on love and sex as robots.

Um, so he's the academic um um on the board. I call him my academic husband because you know, we work closely together. Um, and and he's the academic and I'm the business person. Um, but people have work wives and work husbands because you're with them like all day. And some people have their work wife or their her work husband or their colleagues and they go their whole career without ever

getting together because it just wasn't there. So you know, it's that's very situational. People people meet and there's something and they get together or they work together and they're just friends. Like it's all over the place. But for sure, statistics are don't lie. Like there is office relationships. There is people actually having sex at the office. Um like so that's all going to happen if I I I mean there's no

Having women in the workplace isn't isn't like you can't be like, I don't want women in the workplace'cause I'm at home and I'm I'm a stay at home mom and I don't want my husband cheat on me. Like that's a bit of a ridiculous um not to say that's It's not it could happen. Yeah, it could happen. But there's not much you can do to prevent that other than, you know, locking up your husband.

Right. Well, I think there's also there's there's like an a section because this book doesn't have to pertain just to business. Sexual intelligence is something that can be, you know, in all aspects of your life. So by the way. Well women cheat too. It's not just like men cheat on their wives, women cheat on their husbands, um, all sorts of combinations. So yeah, but it's

Yeah, it's it's all over the place. But I feel like almost the the self-esteem of like, oh no, I'm I wanna lock you away because there's there's women in your business, things like that. Um, it's almost better to grasp your own sexual energy and figure out your own sexual intelligence if you're worried about your husband's strain. I I mean, I'm one of those females who has been in a cheating relationship where I'm the one who's doing that.

And my boyfriend, we were bartending when we met. And so there's all that flirting dynamic that goes on with your guests. That's how you make money with your flirting with your, you know, I would take the men, he would take the women.

Um, now we've been together for about seven years and it's like there were some times where I'm like, she's flirting with you, this is annoying me. But then I had to kind of pull it back a little bit and be like, well, if I'm just being angry at you because she's flirting with you. It's more of a detriment to myself, where if I were to tap into my own sexual energy and come at the situation differently.

Then that negativeness is almost removed. You know, so it's like blaming the women who have High self esteem. isn't where the blame needs to be. No, it's where your self confidence is. You might even question just monogamy as an institution altogether. Right. I mean if if so many people are cheating. maybe monogamy is not I mean, right now it's pretty

It's pretty hard to not be monogamous and not get sort of, you know, um looked at like it's taboo, right? So yeah, if you're not monogamous, you're kind of like, like, what are you weird or whatever? Um, you know, poly is not exactly normalized. just yet or monogamous as they call it. So there's different people need to um take a look at themselves and see like what what composition of relationships is going to work best for me.

If you're one who cheats often, it might mean not that you're um an asshole, but that you might not be in the correct composition of of relationship. And so then you would need to, you know, do something about that. Um so because like Which kind of comes back to the whole like you said, it's an intelligence things. You actually have to think about these things.

Yeah. Because just follow along with kind of what society tells you. You really need to customize your own experience. Yeah, because the American dream of the white picket fence being married this way and like having everything this way, like we're realizing doesn't work for us anymore. It's not the white picket fence. Like there's marriages where they're together for 20 years, but they've been cheating on each other for the entirety of their relationship and not one party, but both parties.

And so it's like where is the line of like you can't make connections because we've committed to this, but does this make sense at all anymore? So it's just really interesting seeing everything flip over into you know, like a new way of life, a new way of seeing. Yeah, we gotta evolve, I think. Like if audience for you, that's great. Go for it. But if it's not, then do something about it.

Yeah, like there's so many conversations we're not having that can get us there. Um so why do you think people are afraid of seeing their sexual energy as something positive at work? It's it's exactly that whole manipulation and sexual harassment thing. It's it's the fact that there's a dark side um to it because there are.

People who use it to manipulate, and there are people who use it for power. And so there's that risk, right? But I kind of look at it like, okay, well, every time I get in my car, there's a chance that I might get into an accident, my fault or otherwise. Every time I complain it it might crash. So there's a sort of the same with you know data.

Okay, data's great, internet's great, but then there's this whole privacy issue and people are using our data and so with everything, nothing's perfect. There's there are dark ties to things and you had just have to figure out how to navigate that. But for some reason

People put sex and love and relationships into this different bucket. Like as if they're if as if it's not, as if the rules are don't apply to it. Um it's all the same thing. And and you know, these days I find people are quite on autopilot and they just kind of like want to be told what to do um and just do that one thing um or just sort of follow the pack and whatever and you know again that's

If that's what you want to do, that's great. But um what you will find is that it's that's limiting and You really do have to take each situation on its own. Each person on its own. Get to know you have to read the room. Where am I? What context am I in? Who are these people? And all of that requires effort. Yeah. Crazy. You have to put in effort. Um and then you add maybe alcohol and drugs on top of that.

Then you really have to put in some effort. Yeah, all these tools to bring us away from our awareness. I mean, or make decisions. Like I when I drink, I tend to get myself into these situations and therefore I should not drink. About things and then you have to think and that's the that's the probably the hardest part is the effort that it takes.

Yeah, because we're realizing that everything's not so, you know, cut and dry. It's not so black and white. It's not so any of this. There's so many layers to every situation.

Um, but yeah, you can't just remove, remove the connection from the business at all. Um so you I heard that you were writing two more books. Because they're inspired. Yes, um so the next book is called The First Time, uh so far as work and title. Um, and I actually have a few academic collaborators. We're gonna do like a proper academic study as well.

um uh talking to people about first time experiences. And so that could be, you know, the first time I had sex, first time I had oral sex, first time I orgasm. Um and these stories can range from you know, super beautiful or on my wedding night or it was super awkward or I got raped or Um, so it'll be um a barrage of different types of stories from as many diverse people as I can get um from different cultures and different countries.

um so that we can we can start sharing this. It's something, it's one of those things that people don't really talk about too much. They don't share these stories. Right. And I think that um it will be interesting. What we're hoping is to glean insights on Different types of initial experiences, how that informs how you approach and how you think about sex like over time.

Um and so you know, we want to see if we can see trends. Like people who have these type of experiences tend to end up kind of over here. Um, so um So that that's the that's the next book and this is It's very fresh, but you know, we we have started to discuss it and we're getting that line and things like that. And then the next book after that, I want to do um basically a a history of sex toys. Um, like really like way back thousands of years when they were like literally dildos were rock.

Oh wow. They shaped them into rocks. Like yes. Um and they had, you know, and over over the centuries, there's been some very bizarre looking sexual contraptions. um that people used. I mean, think about way back when medically what people did, you know, with electric shock therapy and they used to like bleed people out.

Like you can imagine what kind of sex toys they came up with back then. Um so a history from then up until now, up until sex tech, like it's all very getting very sexual or sorry, very technical now. Um, and I just find that super interesting. So I I would like to do a history of it.

And then maybe even turn it into a coffee book table, something Yes. What? Yeah. That's awesome. Um, so one other thing I did want to ask because I Oh, excuse me. Um, I saw one of your pictures that I posted today and it was the topic of of do we are we sexist towards men? So I just wanted to talk about that a little bit because I've, you know, you're you're in the business world. So you see it on a very professional degree.

Yeah, I mean I I it I got inspired. I read an article which I also attached um to that post. Um yeah, I think I think we we kind of are. Um when I say we, I mean everyone. Um like I said, you know, assuming that all men are are sexual predators. Um, you know, the a lot of men are are feel like they don't measure up to these, like when you look in video games or movies, like the

the the type of of men that are portrayed as heroes and stuff when you know that's also not representative. In the same way the the women in porn are not this is not representative of real life. These also aren't representative, you know, not all guys um, you know, have a nine-inch clock. Um, not all women want that either. Right. But it's, you know, so I I think that

they are they are subject to um a lot of that these days um as well. I mean not in the not with the same implications, certainly not. Um, you know, and result of sexual harassment, but nonetheless, I I still think it's troubling. Um I think that we we wanna sort of pull back from these extremes and kind of come together in the middle here. Um, also right now f men feel like they don't have a voice at all. Um argument to that is well, you've had a voice for

pretty much the entire history. So shouldn't you maybe not have a voice for a little while? You know, it's not so sure about that either. Like we should really be more of a collective. um, together thing. I don't think we solve problems by, you know, men feeling like I have to shut up. I can't say nothing. Because if I say something, I'm gonna be I'm I'm a sexist, I'm anti feminist, I'm I'm I'm whatever, but I I still have my struggles too, right? So this is this is really um

I think it's problematic and I also think it will literally impede progress on both sides. Yeah. I'm excited for your book, My First Time, because I feel like there's a lot of men who have had sexual experiences being extremely young. that have impacted the way they see sexuality, the way they see women, the way everything is kind of evolved in their sexual world.

Um, and that's not something that ever gets talked about from men. I was reading somewhere where they were talking about um all of the things that feminist groups do for women, but what is there for men? who have these issues that they're dealing with. They don't have Anyone to talk to. They're they're there, but they're very few. Um and very on the down low.

for for for good reasons. And now the argument to that would be, well, they've had their own the men's club, the boys club, that's that's every bar and every restaurant in every workplace from you know 1920s prior. And there's a point to that, but that doesn't mean you should completely shut them, right? But I almost feel like it's a little bit of of masking in those because you have men who have masks on teaching men

And so those masks are getting down. When I got I just have this image of, you know, those dark mahogany whiskey bars with the cigars and everything, like, yeah, they're all showing off to each other. They're all bullshitting to each other. They're not sitting there talking about I have erectile dysfunction. What are you right? Or or I couldn't, you know

I couldn't please my partner last night. What do you do? Like that this is not happening, right? Or you know, my my my wife is emotionally abusive to me. I don't know what to do about it. Yeah, they they have a also they have a whole bunch of issues that they have very little resources. Um and that's actually reflective in the statistics of men's depression and suicide rates.

Like, yeah, like, I could see that. Wow. Um, do you have anything else that you want to share on oh I wanted to ask you, what what are the second order consequences of Me Too movements? Yeah, that's just a really fancy term for saying like, you know, the Me Too movement had a great purpose of bringing to light um, you know, cases and awareness um and all that. But the second order consequences as a concept is something that

Um, it it happens actually on this also third order or fourth order. It's sort of like, oh, I'm gonna go do this thing. Um, and then you do it and then you realize, oh shit, that has a another impact of it that I didn't realize. Like, oh great. It's great that everybody you know has cell phones and that we get, oh yeah, I got a new version, you know, every two years. But

People also didn't really think about what are we going to do with all of these cell phones that go into the trash, right? And so it it's sort of like that type of thinking where there's other consequences that happen. that's h sometimes hard to foresee, most especially if you don't sit down and actually try to think about it. Um it's a very s it's a better strategy that when you are going to do um something major that you might want to think about.

Um but I mean Me Too movement was it was not like a team of people doing something, right? It just kind of like just blew up, right? Um but the second order consequences are of this. Now this sticky environment, people are confused, you know, the the how to how to deal with it, how to navigate it.

sex in the workplace, trying to eliminate women's advancement, you know, I can't if I can't have a meeting with the with a guy or have to have a c a closed or open door meeting. Um or and there was actually Like there were places in businesses where men are like I I know I I want to hire women and I know I should hire women, but I'm afraid to hire women because it might cause some issues and I don't want issues.

And so, you know, then there's this whole, well, is she a feminist?'Cause I'm I might be scared of that and um so that's the second order consequences of of the Me Too movement is sort of Um, brought out this other forms of thinking. Um, like there's something called the Mike Pence rule where he wouldn't go to a a cocktail without his wife. Like if there's alcohol served, wife must be present.

Um, you know, if you're going on a um on a business trip on an airplane, can't sit beside each other, you can't have a hotel room on the same floor. You can't um so that it's all of a sudden like oh you can't go out for dinner and that that really affects um uh women's advancement in business. Mm-hmm.

Um, I sometimes wonder if the Me Too movement got blown way out of proportion and was instead supposed to be something to just help women sort of pull together a little bit more and have more awareness in the business place, but then it got turned into like All of these excruciating details. Is it about money? Is it is she the victim? Is she lying? Like it just kind of turned into this like.

reality T V show excitement. Like these big men in power, when they get called out for these things happening, they get paraded. You know, and it's like there's so much lost in what we could be learning from this. And instead we're almost having like a circus show around it on look what happened. But the thing is is these are real people's lives. Like someone really was.

Or it was a tragic power move. And I feel like when we're just throwing all these details out and exhausting all of that and not finding solutions instead on how to better behave, then we're distorting the message.

Um, but I love your book, or like I haven't been able to read it, but I love the concept behind it because it's like giving you something to go with, it's not just Here's what happened. Here's how it's going. I mean it's I mean you're you're right on many aspects. It

it did to get to a bit of a circus. Um and then people stopped kind of taking it seriously and this are eye rolling and whatever, which you don't want, but I mean, with without it going viral, it really did have a super positive impact. in the sense of um bringing the awareness to a global scale, which is important. Also getting laws changed, like laws change. about that. So it's literally illegal, um, now. Um, also there's been a very long history of women not being believed, um

in rape and harassment cases. Um, but then of course, like I said, there's a dark side to everything. Um, there will be and there have been those very rare cases where she is lying. And then that Everything. And then at the same time, men should be prosecuted for sexual harassment. Everybody should be prosecuted if you are a sexual harasser.

to the full extent. But also, you know, the the law is supposed to be like innocent until proven guilty. And the media, like as soon as a guy has allegations, it's over. Like whether whether it it whether he did it or not, it almost doesn't matter. Um chances are he did. Um for the for the percentage of people that it it didn't go like that or it was a misunderstanding or something else, like yeah, right away the media and the public opinion, like he's guilty. He's he's gonna

Um and so both of those things aren't good. Both of those are happening. Um that's kind of those are such big, large issues that it will take time to sort of I don't know if they'll ever get ironed out, but they that's that's something that needs to get tackled and and people are tackling it to be fair. Um that's not very flashy in the media. It's like more the cases get flashed, not the The people sitting around a table making policy and stuff. Yeah, the solutions. Yeah. But I do feel like as a

Also, why I really wanted to write this book is because there was like a lot of what. Like, here is what is sexual harassment, and everybody, you know, you should. Change behavior. But nobody really like, how do I do that? Exactly. Right. What does that mean? What does that look like? What does that look like? How do I actually do that other than just shutting up?

Yeah. Yeah. And self-empowerment's a huge part of it. And that's why I love that that's incorporated because we we need self-empowerment, we need self-awareness, and then we need accountability. And I feel like as long as we Hold to those, you know, somewhere in it, everything will sift where it needs to be, but it's it's an individual thing, you know, you can't. Force people to have that about them. You can only encourage them to.

And but like women gotta speak out. Yeah. You have to speak out. And problem is that most women won't, because there's consequences. Which I get. It's like I don't wanna lose my job. I don't wanna get I don't wanna go in the media. I don't, I don't, I don't. But it's it's the only way. Yeah. But people actually like you can't

How else is this person supposed to get stopped and prosecuted? Mm-hmm. And were there moments before it got to that in which you could have spoke up in a lighter sense that would have prevented it from getting all the way there? Later on down the road. On one in the very beginning. Or if you're in an environment where that's happening, fucking leave. Like yeah. Job is it really that like that place is the only place on the planet you can work? Right.

Um now I'm talking it at higher sort of levels. I'm not talking about um uh you know, minimum wage, um, jobs of of everyday folks where they might not be able to be able to get a job somewhere else, that that that option isn't as available. I'm talking about sort of the the higher echelons of, you know, the people working at the Cuomo office. Mm-hmm. The the senator, the New York senator. Like if it was like that and you saw it.

Go get a job somewhere else. Like don't be put yourself in that environment. Yeah. We're we're a product of what we allow. And I think the compound effect of what we've been allowing is now showing itself and we're like, oh, this is a mess. It is a mess. It is a mess. And then it always feels like women are like, well, why is the onus on me to get a different job? Why is the onus on me to speak up? I know. Super shitty. But Tell me an alternative.

Well, and it's like find find empowerment in speaking up. Find the pleasure in in having those moments in which you're like, I feel good about what I said and I stand by it. Yeah. No, we need more of that in the world.

Definitely. Well, I I love what you do. Um, where can people find you? Um well, I'm on uh LinkedIn, Instagram, Twitter. Um not a fan of Facebook, so don't find me there. Um the book is on Amazon. I have a website, www.sexual intelligence and business dot com. Go figure. Um, so it's just the title of the book. But yeah, hit me up. Is it available outside of Amazon? I I hate Amazon. Um, it is. It's on Indigo as well. Okay. Yeah, just through like regular bookstores. Yep, definitely.

Awesome, awesome. Well, thank you so much for all of your time today. I love everything that you're doing. And I'm definitely gonna be getting the book as well because it's it's exciting that women are stepping up and are like, okay, like we need to empower ourselves. We need to band together and, you know. Rule the world, but not just women. It's men and women. It's all of us. It's it's people. Humans. Humans Yes, humans. I love it. Wonderful. Well, thank you so much.

Thank you all for listening. I hope you enjoyed that conversation as much as I did. You can find more from Bobby on sexual intelligence in business.com. She also has Twitter and Instagram. Don't forget to pick up a copy of her book and be on the lookout for her other books that will be coming out in the near future. I love you guys. I will talk to you all next week.