This podcast is intended for mature audiences only and may contain content that could be triggering. Please listen with discretion. There are moments, especially as mothers that feel impossible to put into words, and this recording session was one of them. In this episode, we are not just talking about Stephanie's trauma. We are talking about her children, their pain, their innocence, and the moment. Stephanie could not protect. Them and the deep pain this has caused her.
When a child speaks up about abuse, they're not always believed. In fact, more than 60% of children who disclose are either ignored, dismissed, or not taken seriously During childhood, Stephanie didn't pause. She believed her daughter. And with that belief, that instinct to listen, she jumps into a mother's first act of protection in this next chapter of her life. I, I had to think about it later. I was like, if it would've been a false accusation or something, we would've dealt with it later.
But right then it was nothing but truth to me. And, um, I had no idea where she was. She had already gone over to somebody's house. I think it was like 7:00 PM It was dark. She never came home from school. And I had still not even heard this from him. He was at home. You think that he would've messaged me, called me something and said, where is she? But I realize at this moment I was like, I have a 12-year-old at home.
Um, I have my older daughter who is at somebody's house, I don't even know, and they've already called the police to file the report. My first thought was like. My oldest daughter's safe right now, but I've got another child at home. Mm-hmm. That is with this person? Yes. That I just found out. Did this, I was so unbelievably outta control at that point. Like my body was shaking. My lovely client at the time, we didn't even finish her hair. And she got me calmed down.
She was like, you cannot drive like this. She helped me get calm enough to get my senses about me to, um, deal with the situation as much as I could. And she even offered to replace the locks in my house that night. I mean, it was, it was very kind. Um, I was very, very thankful for her. And so I, um. I went home. I walked in the house. He was sitting in the living room on the couch playing a video game as he most of the time was. And he looks at me.
And at this point I walked upstairs and I told my youngest daughter, I said, please put on your jacket 'cause it was cold. I said, go get in the car and don't ask any questions. They did and I went back downstairs and stood in the foyer looking, there's like a little landing. And so I was looking across the room at him and I asked him where my oldest daughter was. He said he didn't know.
Um, I said, don't you think it's weird that it's dark and she didn't come home from school today and you haven't told me this? And he's like, do you want me to help you look for her? And I said, no, I'll go look for her. You stay here. And I was trying to stay calm inside. I was just, I was vibrating. Um. I'm sure I did not sound or look as calm as I was really trying to portray that I was, he knew, I mean, he didn't move. He sat there and that was it. He didn't move. I went out to the car.
My youngest daughter is already in the car as I asked her to be. And um, we literally make it to the school parking lot, which is a block, not even a block away. And I have to get out of the car and, um. I just, um, literally had a PA panic attack. I, um, I have four kids sitting in the backseat. She has no idea what's going on at this point. She's just. Listening to what I'm telling her to do to keep her safe and I am in a parking lot in the dark.
I like just can't even get myself into a place to think straight at that point. 'cause I had no idea even where my oldest daughter was at this point. I didn't know which house she was at. I couldn't get ahold of her. I kept trying to call her, but because they were filing the police report, she wasn't answering. And it was crazy. And I finally reached out to my sister, although none of us were talking a lot, we weren't on non-speaking terms, you know, and um, she helped pull me together enough.
That I could breathe and drive. I find out where my oldest daughter is finally, and um, I go over there and oh my goodness, I didn't know these people. It was a friend of hers from school, their parents. And I ask if they can, um. Have both children stay in the house for a second. And I know that's odd because I didn't know them, but at this point I needed to get back in that car and talk to him.
And so they went in the house and they stayed in the house with these people and I went out to my car and I just had to swallows so hard. Just get myself together to calm down enough to have this conversation because I knew he was a ticking time bomb, and if I did this wrong, it was going to be worse for all of us. It's terrible because you always think of somebody messes with my kid, I'm gonna kill 'em. Yeah, kill.
But then you realize you have to be there for your children, so you have to pull yourself together. Yeah. Because you cannot just go after that person. My children at that point, needed me more than ever, and I needed to get my shit together in that moment. Mm-hmm. And face this, this monster. And, um, so I call him, I'm, I'm, I'm in my like calm voice, but direct voice and I'm like, so, um, my oldest daughter has, um. Accused you. And I tell him, you know what that accusation is?
And he starts crying and says, no, I wouldn't do that. Um, you have to believe me. And he had this soft, sincere voice. And I told him, I said, well, until we get to the bottom of this. Then you need to leave. I cannot have you in the house, and I will not come back with these children until you are gone. And I said, if for some reason this unfolds and it's just a cry for help from a kid and it's not true, we'll all go to therapy and we'll figure it out.
As of right now, I believe her and I need you to leave, and he is sweeping on the other side of the phone telling me how much he loves me and he loves the girls and he loves his family, and I had to reiterate. If you do not leave, I'm, I mean, I'm going to call the police. I mean, I need you out of this house and I will not come home until you are, he agrees to leave. And, um, finally at some point that evening, I don't even know what time it was, the girls and I get back home.
My poor youngest daughter still has no idea what's going on. And this was her biological father. Mm-hmm. And I know like, what an awful position to put her in, but I could not tell her at that moment. She had all kinds of things running through her head. She told me later on, like, like she thought maybe it was drugs or something. I mean, she just didn't know. And um, oh my God, I, I, I slept on the couch.
For the many nights to come after that, so I could be downstairs if anybody tried to break in or anything. I just was scared and um, I don't know how I got those kids to go to sleep that night, but somehow they did. I had them go to school the next morning and I did not know how to ask for help, and I needed help so badly then. And I still, as people started finding out along the way, people were, were insisting on helping me. But in that first few weeks, I, I. Did not tell people.
And so I needed the kids to go to school because I knew that's where they would be safe. I talked to the administration and the principals before they were at school made sure that they knew that he was not to come in and make sure that they were never to go home with him at this. I made sure that they were gonna be safe because I all of a sudden like, I gotta go into my action plan notebook and I gotta start doing these things. And, um.
My first order of business was I needed to go to the police. I went downtown and got restraining orders. I found a lawyer. I was still having to work some days in between all this and with very little evidence. You know, it's just a child's word against another adult in the home. I mean, that, that's all you have and you hope for the best. You know, there's no physical evidence at that point, and, um, they said it, it is actually very rare that that happens.
It was like children's services were interviewing us. This was all in a time span of one week, but I think the power of adrenaline is a, is quite a fancy thing, honestly, because without it, I, I wouldn't have made it very far. Mm-hmm. I. I did everything that I possibly had the power to do in that first week, and it was all set into motion immediately. I got my kids a school therapist at that point that could see them while they were at school.
I was either having clients pick them up and bring them to the salon after school, or I was taking like a break at that point in my day picking them up and then bringing 'em back. 'cause I didn't wanna ever leave them at home by themselves. And so they would sit at the salon with me all week during their homework. Because I had to work. I mean, I literally went into single parent mode overnight. Yeah. Because it wasn't like he was sending me any money or paying for anything at this point.
I literally got stuck with every single expense we had. Um, and so it's weird. You gotta juggle that part of your life. Be a mom. Try not to fall apart in front of your kids daily. They were strong kids. I want to say at this point how proud I am of my oldest daughter that she had the courage to actually stand up and saying, no, I will not be a victim to you. And call me and tell me and take the steps necessary to stop that cycle of abuse in her life.
It was so brave, so powerful, and I really, I really hope that she is. It always keeps that fire ignited in herself to advocate for herself because she is an incredible human for doing that and not hiding three outta four confirmed child abuse cases involve a parent or caregiver as the abuser. When home isn't safe, it's not just about getting out. It's about proving something most people don't want to believe.
It's so unfortunate because as I was talking to the police during this interview, they interviewed each of us individually and um, that was one thing they said that blew my mind and started my research on. All of this was the percentage of children that actually come forward. Mm-hmm. They might come forward to a parent, but then that parent dismisses it. And so a case like this where we showed up and said, Hey, this is what happened. Mm-hmm.
We did not have substantial evidence other than a child's um, uh, you know, statement. And I knew that was problematic because not only did I want to convict him for what he had done to that child, but then I had a biological child with him that. I needed to protect because that's the child that the custody would end up being over. Yes. And if I didn't, we were gonna end up having shared custody at this point.
The youngest, I'm pretty sure I had explained in very light detail what had happened in the very beginning when we had our interviews with the police. They interviewed, um, myself and both my children individually. Uh, and then they had an interview with him. And before that interview I pleaded and begged with him, and I did something magical that day somehow because he went and he confessed, and we had a written confession at that point, and I was so, so tired. I had no family.
I was on my fourth divorce. I had one kid that just didn't even want to talk to me anymore. I just was like, everything was really, really shattered and um, I knew that I needed help. But I never knew that I was a victim of trauma. I did not know the justice system and how this worked at the time. Um, it was gonna be an 18 month one. He, he fought it because he, he still wanted to see his youngest child together. I had no intentions of that.
I was ready to do whatever it took to make sure he did not see her again. Mm-hmm. He knows how awful it was. It's something he went through. Mm-hmm. Something that caused him to be like seething with anger all the time, and yet he did it to what was his own child. The child was not biologically his, but he had raised her. She called him dad, so of course he's calling me a monster and everything else, I did not care. He could call me every name in the book. I hate the courthouse.
I hate our justice system sometimes as well. I'm not gonna lie because I know in this situation. I realized I had always had judgements before, in all honesty. Mm-hmm. About these kinds of situations and why mothers didn't fight harder, blah, blah, blah. You know? And then when you're in this situation, you realize like it is not black and white, and it does not cut and dry. Mm-hmm. I had to fight. To get this man convicted. How? Because the, the child's age.
Um, we have no proof, we just have statements. Um, but because there was nothing recollected before the age of 12, I believe it was, it was considered a misdemeanor. And there were all kinds of other legal, you know, reasons you could only get so much so, and towards the end it was either 30 days in jail and then like some, are you kidding? Therapy, blah, blah, blah.
Or 15 years as a sexual offender online with, I don't know, I think it was coupled with like few years of probation and group counseling and stuff like that. And I. Chose that route. And I had a great attorney in our custody battle who helped me get, um, well, you know, for the oldest child, a five year protective order, um, was in place. You know, there was no problem with that.
But then the youngest child, my ex, was still seeking custody, and it was a possibility, which was blowing my mind every time we went to this custody hearing or something like that. He had not finished his criminal trial. He kept, um, uh, what a continuation, you know?
And so there's sometimes my attorney and I would even show up to things for the custody battles, and they had already filed a continuation, so I was having to pay my attorney every time I. I mean, this expense was, I was borrowing money from every place I could find in my own life, Uhhuh at this point, to pay for this 18 month long process. And, um, anyway, we, we end up, you know, the last time before it was all settled, we are in court.
This judge, she finally looks at him and says, you are not finished with your criminal case. And he's like, no ma'am, no, your Honor, whatever. And she just scolds him and says, we're not doing this again. Basically, you know, until you finish that criminal trial, which needs to be done by such and such, he did end up getting convicted and getting the sentencing, sentencing that I had chosen, which was the long game. Um, and then after that we went back to finish the custody trial and.
It was, there was going to be, um, supervised visitation. And I mean, I told my attorney, I was like, I cannot. I cannot be okay with my child having to go to a supervised visitation with this monster. No. And so he was wonderful because he was able to word it in a way that there would have to be so much therapy between both parties and then therapy together before there could ever be supervised visitation. Therefore, there was never a supervised visit.
And once they turned 18, we were out of, you know, in the clear. Once that, that time was over, I messaged him and told him everything I thought about him. I'm thankful I had a good attorney and I would not want anyone to ever be in the situation I was in. But I know that's very common. And, um, I want to share my story because I feel like every other vulner vulnerable person out there that's done, that has helped me, whether they know it or not.
And, um, I. We have to empower each other with vulnerability. And so, although I was fighting for all that, um, we're about to meet husband number four. Leaving abuse is often just the beginning. Studies show that nearly 70% of survivors enter a new relationship within a year of leaving their abuser, sometimes without the time or tools. To process what they've lived through.
Stephanie was still in survival mode when someone from her past reappeared she wanted to believe in love and who could blame her as Stephanie was getting ready to share this next chapter with me. Something was different. She was very uneasy and she was struggling with how to tell this part of her journey. I knew nothing about husband number four, other than it felt like this human genuinely tortured her emotionally. There is a man that reaches out to me on Facebook that I had known.
From after my first divorce when I moved back home to my parents' church in Ken, Louisiana when I was working for his mom. We worked together. He might have been 15. Um, anyway, then I moved back to Texas when I was 18. All the. Trauma, um, lack of life skills and instead just survival skills. Um, finally led to husband number four. Um, it's embarrassing to say I have been married four times. I. I just still have a hard time wrapping my head around it.
Sure. Because it just seems, uh, just a little crazy, you know? Um, sometimes I'm like, how did I not get it? It was March of 2015. I sent my kids to Colorado with my sister, hoping they could just have a break from life 'cause they deserved it. And, uh, during this time. This was the guy that I had met years and years ago at my mom and dad's church. Uh, he had found me on Facebook.
He just happens to see me post my wedding rings on Facebook and, 'cause I was selling them 'cause I was trying to make money to pay for this divorce. Yeah. And custody battle and criminal case, you know. Mm-hmm. So, uh, post those wedding rings on Facebook, he messages me pretty quickly. It was hard for a while. 'cause you, when you get out of a relationship, it is hard to understand and you feel so incredibly stupid.
Mm-hmm. Um, and I luckily had the encouragement from others that had been through these similar situations and they were very strong women and, uh, I knew of it they could fall victim to this, that anybody could. This is where my first real big. Like identifiable trauma bonding experience comes into play and the only people I can think of.
That before this, that I truly had an actual trauma bond with were possibly my parents, specifically my mother, and the signs of, um, trauma bonding, just so we can be aware, it's like, uh, you ignore the red flags, uh, for love. Uh, you're exhausted, but don't communicate. They have controlling behaviors. You rationalize their behavior and you know, the first did start with the love bombing. I mean, the affections of love. Early on, I. Gifts.
Um, which he, he was, he was even sending me things in the mail already. He just acted at first, like he wanted to be there for me. Um, he was sorry that I was going through a hard time and it quickly escalates, uh, to, you know, him telling me how much she's always loved me and. How much he has waited for me all his life, even though he's married, he still has held me in his heart or whatever.
Uh, I do not tell my kids at first, and then my guard went down because of a familiar person in my life that all of a sudden had expressed love for me and. Told me so many amazing things that I felt like that Cloud nine almost experience. And so I tell them, 'cause I'm thinking maybe this is different. Number four, it's like, this is somebody that I knew before. It's not a stranger. I just felt like this is different and maybe this is my true love.
Maybe this is finally the good thing that happens after all this chaos. And he also had a wife and a child, but he was telling me that she has always, she's wanted a divorce for so many years and he kept telling her no. But he made it sound like he was the one keeping their relationship together and he finally granted her this divorce. And it's because he had been waiting for me all his life. I just wanted so badly to be loved. Mm-hmm. And all he convinced me that we were meant to be together.
And um, so literally within that few months. He moved to Ohio and moved in with me. Um, it was like the end of April, beginning of May. We'd only been talking for, uh, two or three months. I mean, this was fast and furious and si a wreck already. There were, there were gifts. He would bring the girls, like Bose headphones. He bought me this new Dyson vacuum and those things had never mattered to me. Mm-hmm. Like gifts and stuff, but.
It was weird, but it was also like this weird, refreshing moment of like, oh my God, somebody is caring and taking care and yeah, it just felt so, I felt so invigorated and once again, so loved. He's living with us now. Uh, my kids obviously. Are on guard in the biggest of ways, and I'm proud of them for that. My sister and I were FaceTiming and I show her this man sitting next to me and obviously she's concerned. Um. And says, who's this? And I was like, I actually, you remember him?
And I told her from where? Back in the church. And, uh, we are talking and seeing each other. I didn't even tell her he was living there yet because I feel like I could see on her face that she was concerned and I was cautious. I didn't wanna be judged. And she plays it cool, but tells. Her husband and her husband at the time. I knew he wasn't the best guy, but I didn't know he was the worst guy either. So he decides to rally the troops, meaning my family.
He, I, I don't even know the whole story. Mm-hmm. Still, but what I do know is he called my oldest daughter in Texas and all the family there, and I. Started telling them I have this man with me. Of course wasn't a lie, but that I was also, I think he was telling 'em I was abusing the children and I was on drugs. I think when I am not serving God in the capacity they want me to, I obviously have to be a horrible human or doing drugs or selling my body or something. Um, obviously I'm living.
Uh, a very sinful life, and I'm a drug addict and abusing my children. And finally I get a phone call from him and he's telling me I'm not getting my kids back and starts screaming at me about things. Uh, I immediately, I immediately am like, let me talk to my child. And he screams at me. No, I hear my sister in the background saying, let her talk and then he snaps at her. No. Um, I was just taken back, I mean, almost like in a speechless, frozen way. I think my sister was afraid of him.
He's kidnapping my child, is how I look at it. He's convinced the other one in Texas. To not even speak to me, so her stepmom is calling me, just screaming at me that I'm a horrible mother. Nobody's telling me why. I just keep asking like, what are you talking about? And nobody's telling me anything, and I said, I need to speak to her. Of course that's not gonna happen.
So at this point, I'm blocked from both of my kids and they're in two different states, three different states between the three of us, and the oldest one was almost 18. And so I decided at that point that I was not going to get the police involved to try to get her back home. Because she was so close to being an adult that it was just going to be just more trauma. It was better for her if that's what she wanted.
I felt like she was old enough at that point and almost of age, and she should be able to make that decision. Uh, she wouldn't speak to me. I had no idea what was going on. And, uh. I don't blame her, uh, by any means for not wanting to come back home. I don't even know how to explain what this was like at this moment. Um, so my dad, I find out is also in Denver and isn't. Trying to help stop this chaos because obviously I'm the one in sin again, right?
So all, all the Christians unite and yes, you know, let's just make this as the worst case possible scenario and try to, instead of trying to talk to me or maybe make sure I'm okay, and this was the worst thing they could have ever done to my kids at that time. It, it was just like unbelievable. And then of course, my mom is not there. I. But she calls me and says, once again, I'm the bad guy. I am not even the part of this. And you're mad at me too.
I, I just like, I later on found out she was absolutely a part of it. Why are you worried about me throwing you under the bus right now with everybody else? Is that your biggest concern? Is yourself right now. It was most, did you ask that? It was selfish thing? She could have ever said to me, oh yeah, of course I didn't ask that. Right? 'cause it didn't matter, right?
So I have to call the Denver police to get them involved at this point, Denver Police, they go out, they talk to my brother-in-law of all people, and then they get back to me and they say, ma'am. I just want to tell, just wanna say you didn't tell us the whole story and your brother-in-law has talked to us about everything and um, we feel like you need to get help. I almost lost my mind. I told him it doesn't matter what the whole story is.
That is my child and I will file kidnapping charges if that child is not on the plane tomorrow morning, they have no custodial rights, and I was just at this point, so frustrated because I. Even calling the police, they went out and talked to him, believed everything he said. Are you mad at your sister right now though? A little bit. I'm gonna be honest. At first I thought I would never speak to my sister again. I, as much as I hated the situation and what happened.
I understand where she's coming from and, um, I have compassion still. Yeah. My kids being thrown in the middle of this is so painful. Mm. I wish somebody would've advocated for them at that point. Yes. In this man's hands, but I also understand how that fear literally has you. Frozen and how manipulation and, and. You know, abuse over time, family court can feel like its own battleground. Even when a parent is accused or confesses to abuse, custody decisions can still favor them.
In Stephanie's case, she wasn't just fighting for safety for her children and herself. She was actually trying to prove she was a fit mother at the same time, recovering from the abuse and betrayal from a husband she trusted. Um, I do get my child on the plane that next day. You did? Yes. I picked them up at the airport. The man at this point, soon to be husband, number four is with me. Uh, sh My child is acting scared of me. Which was something that I had never experienced.
I did not realize that, uh, they had convinced her I was going to be abusive to her when she got back. And then of course she sees him and I don't know what they told her about him at the time. It might've been all truth, but I had no idea and nothing had happened at that point. So he was still like this innocent party to me at that point, and he had not done anything to her. Yeah, but she literally acts like she's not going with me when she sees him. It is a struggle to get out of this airport.
She's just walking away from me. I mean, she doesn't want to be near me. Oh, as soon, gosh, soon as she sees him, she acts afraid of me. Poor baby. And I mean, I didn't know what I was walking into in that airport that day, and so I was so unprepared for that. I was sensitive to it because I knew that they had just been through my small hell and just a week. And you know, I tried to be very sensitive to that. I wasn't angry by any means. I. We finally, I convinced them to please leave with me.
We're just fresh off of a separation, you know, from their biological father and the things that were happening there. There's a new man in their life that their mom has brought in. Uh, there's, you know, other family just tried to kidnap them. I mean, it's just a lot. They had shut, they had shut down and I know what that feels like. 'cause I have shut down before. Right. And, um, I'm trying to get them to just talk to me. They start hyperventilating, they're just crying.
It induces a panic attack. So we're sitting in the parking lot now of a Kroger and they're having a panic attack and I ask him to get out of the car and go walk around. Yes. Um, and just begging them to talk to me. Mm-hmm. But they were just so traumatized from whatever had happened, and they told me they were afraid of me. It was like some flash processing trying to know how to deal with that situation because I was a, I was a mess myself.
I had, I. No idea what I was doing other than trying to help them feel safe. So finally get calmed down enough, we go home and, uh, it doesn't stop. And the next day, uh, children's services calls the police show up. And this happened every day for quite some time. Who did that? My sister. Your sister called. Yes. My sister was calling the police and my sister called Children's Services. What?
And the only reason I know that is because the police, when they would come, they said, your sister called again. We're sorry. We have to come do our check-in. So children's services, they find nothing. I. Um, the police are literally apologizing to me when they come to my door. They take my youngest child outside every time. Yeah. I think I was floating outside of my body mm-hmm. During this time. Mm-hmm. And my, my kid was just. I'm sure Complete mess inside.
There's no way they couldn't have been. Finally it stops. I'm not accused of anything 'cause I wasn't actually doing anything, in all honesty. And so it's all shut down. Uh, my youngest one's in therapy, oldest one's not speaking to me at all. It wasn't very soon after, um, the love bombing was starting to, you know. Taper. Mm-hmm.
Um, red flags were starting to pop up and uh, I always ended up feeling sorry for him because I knew he came from a physically abusive childhood because of his father who was now deceased. Um. And so I, I thought these red flags were more of like him dealing with his childhood pain. I don't know what I was thinking. We're out. It's him and I and my, my youngest child we're out on the town.
I. Just having a nice time walking around in an area of town we liked and doing a little shopping, you know, things like that. 'cause there was a lot of shopping going on at this point. I mean, because of the love bombing, I was buying things even for myself that I would've never purchased before. Like, he was convincing me of things that I deserved and somehow I had started, ended up purchasing them. And so this was my new feeling of maybe this is self worth, you know? Mm-hmm.
Um, the way he was making me feel. He's drinking heavily already at this point, and I am not sure what happened, but he ended up getting in my youngest child's face for a second, and at this point she's in middle school and is coming at her like aggressively, you know, with words basically. And I'm like, whoa. I mean, I literally. I get in between him. I'm like, you gotta back the fuck up. I mean, I, it is the first time I'd seen that. And then she's hyperventilating.
I have to go into an alleyway, calm her down. Aw. He keeps trying to come at me. I. To keep talking about like what's wrong. And I got my handout telling him he needs to leave now. Like I am. All of a sudden he's wanting to make it right. And I was like, no, like you gotta go. And so he leaves finally. I get her calmed down. We just start walking around. We walk for a long time. Actually, we walked until we ended up in another part of town.
It was nighttime too, and we just sat on a bench and just were kind of quiet, but then also like, what? What happened? You know? It was confusing and to both of us, and so we ended up Ubering home. Um, so my youngest child and I go to sleep on the couch together. It was like a sectional. And he does end up coming in and I am like, and he's just crying and he holds my hand and starts asking for forgiveness. He has a problem with alcohol and that was the problem tonight.
And he will go to AA and he will get a handle on this. I mean, it was the start. Of a very confusing time for me because I have always been one that has compassion for people and wants to help people. I. And I thought, oh my God, he was abused as a child. He does want help. This was an outlash, not in a physical way again, so just in a verbal way. And he wants to get help and he's, he's, he's telling me this and he is truly broken from this night.
And I tell him to give us space and I'll think about it and, um, decide to let him follow through, you know? With AA and whatnot that lasted, uh, such a small time. Um, but he immediately would show signs of improvement and then I'm gonna start the love bombing process over again, but on both of us, where, you know, he would be so good to my child and he'd be so good to me.
And it, it started creating this rollercoaster of ups and downs, creating like that trauma bonding, I mean, where it's like. There's so many bad things happening, and then all of a sudden this, uh, you know, elevating words of positivity and mentally, especially for two people that are already pretty mentally, you know, uh, disturbed from what's happened already in our lives. And so he started making like cruel jokes. But then he would laugh and say, oh, no, no, I don't mean it.
I don't have bad intentions. I would call him out, and that's how he would spin it. Every time though, he would start spinning it as I was the one with the misconception of what he was saying. The manipulation, the gaslighting, the control blended into chaos. So I was just floating outside of my body and never. I, I, I could not think straight at this point. And, uh, he still convinced me that, uh, we were meant to be together. And I married him, had a beautiful wedding.
Um, but yeah, 2017 my parents didn't even know I was getting married. I hadn't spoken to my parents at this point since, um, 2015. He mentally. Got into my head in a way that I started feeling like a bad person and like the bad guy, he would get me so angry about something on purpose and then sit back and cross his arms and smile while I was angry and sobbing, and then tell me that I had abusive tendencies. He was doing the same thing. To my child and we were both withdrawn.
I finally decided, I was like, we gotta have a Friday girls night every Friday. And I would start taking her out and we would literally go sit in the car and cry together. And we didn't know why. Like we were exhausted. He started volunteering at her school eventually. What. And was helping other children and got a volunteer award.
He started cosmetology school and I was a cosmetologist at that time, so I was supporting him completely at this point so he could finish cosmetology school, so he could come work with me, uh, if I did music and he encouraged that. Then all of a sudden he was. Doing music and buying all this equipment. Um, when my child wanted to start painting again and I set up an art area, then all of a sudden he was a painter. Everything we did, he latched onto it. No one was ever alone.
He's at my child's school, he's working with me. We live above the salon. He's convinced me that I need to file bankruptcy. And so I had a Lexus SUV at the time that went with that. So then all of a sudden I had no car. Uh, he started pitting me. I. Against my friends in any way he could, telling me things that he felt like they were doing or saying.
I just stopped having people over because I was of, I didn't want them to be offended by him, and every time I got to the point where I was like, something is wrong. I am not putting up with this. That's when he would come back in with that like positive confirming love again. And break down in front of me. That was a definite show. Mm-hmm. A production at that most of the time, an absolute production. And I was also isolated. And every day with him, there was no alone time. Mm-hmm.
It's like having this little prison built up around you and not even realizing how it happened. And being so confused. I had no self-worth. I was losing my identity as a person. Um. I couldn't think straight. He would make me end up talking in loops and circles to confuse me and then convince me that I had said something. I never said I didn't have thoughts anymore. I was so drained of. All life in my body. I had started becoming very sick. I couldn't eat a lot of foods.
I was having pain that I had never had before. I was having some severe stomach issues. I mean, everything hurt and I was too tired to even think anymore. And at work, oh my God, I was losing clients. He was saying things that I couldn't believe were coming out of his mouth, just horrible things to people and just laughing about it. And then it got to that point where he said something to one of my clients, she. Cried all the way home. It was so bad.
It would be like one of my clients talking about their children, because our children were the same ages. Both had struggled with like some depression. I had recommended, you know, a psychiatrist to help with like, you know, diagnosing A DHD. We had that kind of bond, and so they were talking to me about their child one day and he literally from across the room just says. Well, maybe your child was a better person.
They would have more friends, and this mother was already heartbroken for the depression their child was going through. I literally was so stunned. I remember my mouth was open, but then he would say like, oh, I didn't mean it like that. I was projecting because of my childhood. She went home, her husband told her not to come back. Coercive control doesn't always look like violence. Sometimes it's control over your money, your time, and your sense of reality.
Stephanie was isolated, financially drained, and made to doubt herself daily. Classic signs of emotional abuse. And when survivors recognize what's happening, leaving isn't simple. Experts say it can take seven or more attempts to break free. I was so enraged, and I had held onto that all day to get through my work day, knowing I had already gotten this call from this lady and what she was going through. He acted like nothing had happened. He's just like, ah, got it. You know, just.
Being stupid. I screamed at him and told him if he ever did, said, looked anything wrong in that salon, he was gonna have to find another place to work. So from there on out, the new torture was, he would look at me when he was about to say something and he'd be like, oh, sorry, I can't say that Stephanie's got her eyes on me. All the time, like I was constantly like on high alert. I was having panic attacks before I went to work. I hated.
Everything about my life at that point and didn't understand why I was the bad person. 'cause I still believed that because of what he was doing, he did have narcissistic personality disorder, which is so different than just tendencies. Like you couldn't even say a sentence without it being turned around upside down inside out, and you don't even know who the hell you are. I was empty. I was empty inside. I was tired. I was confused. I thought I was a problem. So you just get tired.
I mean, he's heavily drinking, he's stealing, um, like literally stealing from stores and stuff. And like, did you see him, like, or how did you know he was stealing? Well because he started admitting it and he just made it seem like it was perfectly normal. So we were definitely married when Covid hit. So in 2020 I, we were both self-employed. Yeah. 'cause you know, he was working in the salon with me. I am financially supporting him at the salon. He's not helping pay booth rent.
He's not paying for supplies. The problem is when you bring things up, you have to be ready for a six month battle. So the one time I chose to do that, I had a friend point out that I was handing him money all the time, even just when he wanted to go buy wine or whatever the case may be, and she's sat me down when he wasn't around and confronted me about it and said, why? Why are you handing him money? Does he not have money? Is he not helping you pay the bills?
And I never thought about it because I'd been helping him since he was in cosmetology school. At the beginning of 2016, this friend said, this is not okay. He needs to be helping you pay the bills. Like I cannot. She was just honest. She's like, I can't believe. And she was the only friend that was able to be honest with me at this point in this marriage, honestly. So. I decide I'm putting my big girl pants on. Mm-hmm. And I was like, she's right. I need to confront him.
I'm paying all the bills, I'm paying all the salon stuff. And, uh, I, I confronted him and we fought about it for months and this was literally asking him just to help pay half of the rent for our. Apartment and I started trying to make bill lists, like telling him like, eventually this is what you need to be paying, like, you know, part of the electric bill.
And what he had me do is break it into thirds because I had a child, so I had to pay for two parts of that, and he only had to pay, you know, for the third part of it. I don't know how. I ended up getting in the position of financially being abused as well. But it's one of my hardest stories to tell because if I were on the outside looking in, I would've probably judged somebody in this situation. I would've not understood why they wouldn't see this.
You know, being in this situation, it doesn't matter who you are, it doesn't matter, uh, what your. Intelligence level is, it doesn't, none of that matters because narcissists will destroy whatever they can get their hands on. And the better they get at it, the easier it can be to fall into that trap and a narcissistic behavior. Uh, there's like, um, different characters that everyone plays. Uh, there's like the flying Monkey, which is usually the child that, you know, they start.
Training basically to be like them and doing their dirty deeds, you know, whatever. Mm-hmm. And then there is, um, the enabler, which I was the enabler, codependent, uh, there's like usually a golden child and a scapegoat. And the scapegoat is the one that. You know, gets the worst of it mentally or physically depending on the situation. My kiddo, the youngest child that was still living with us at the time, uh, was not a flying monkey, although he wanted, um, my child to be that. As we look.
Thank God have seen now. And so unfortunately my child became the scapegoat. You don't realize these things at the time. It's always the aftermath. You know, it's like, how did I not know? How did I not see this? And I, I'm gonna be honest. I know I'm, I. Forgetting so many things, um, and these types of relationships, I feel, because it's such a rollercoaster, everything, it doesn't even feel like it has a timeline.
You know, like talking earlier and telling you a lot of details, but then also forgetting like, oh yeah, I got married in that situation right in the middle of it. You know, you just forget. So much. It's just one big stirring pot of chaos, and that grows and grows and grows. The longer you're with that person, until you are so tired and so depleted of self that you. He, he, I mean, just thinking he had me convinced I was the abuser.
I remember the day he told me that I laid down in the hallway between our kitchen and our living room, and I literally laid on the floor and cried my eyes out because I. Never, ever wanted to be that person to someone. I never, I had been abused so much, I didn't wanna be an abuser, and I just thought, how have I done this and what have I done next time on just one person.
Well, Stephanie, uh, it's dad and, uh, I hate to leave you a voicemail on this, but I want you to realize the importance of the call. Um. And all three of them, uh, died in a plane accident. Don't know any other way to get ahold of you than this number. I, I apologize for that and I, I want to let you know and to make you aware of it, baby. Okay. Uh, but love you. Talk to you soon. Hopefully I'm the preacher. Listen to just one person on Spotify, apple Podcast or wherever you.
You get your podcast visit just one person podcast.com for more information. If you enjoy this podcast, please share it with a friend and follow us on Instagram at just One Person podcast. If you or someone you know is affected by abuse or is in need of support, resources are available and we have listed them in the episode notes. Or you can call the Child Help National Child Abuse Hub. It's 1 804 a child available 24 7. You can also text four dash Hope 2 7 4 1 dash 7 4 1.
Just one person is produced by J one P Productions executive, produced by me, Lisa Bloom, lead producer and story editor. Carrie Caulfield Sound, designed by Alejandro Ramirez. A special thanks to voice actor Scott McKenley. A portraying Stephanie's dad, our heartfelt thank you to Stephanie's partner, Melissa Weaver, and my wife Julie Leski for being a part of the podcast team. Also to Stephanie's three close friends, Krista, Anisa, and Becks for participating in this series.
Music for this podcast is from Epidemic Sound and Sounds Stripe original music recorded and performed by our first season's guest. Stephanie Michelle. And the Michelle Michelle Band. I'm.