This podcast is intended for mature audiences only and may contain content that could be triggering. Please listen with discretion. After a year and a half at Gateway Farm for Girls, Stephanie was sent home. No therapy, no transition plan, no support. Before she arrived at the school, she had already endured unimaginable trauma. Including beatings and repeated rapes, but none of that was addressed.
Her parents, trusting a program that didn't use licensed therapists or doctors, believed what they were told. Stephanie was healed. Her demons were gone. She was saved, redeemed, and now she was expected to step fully into her godly duty as a preacher's daughter. Um, I was so excited to see my grandparents and pop up. Yeah. And so I remember them coming over, they were so happy to see me. Um, there's a picture with me actually with them on the couch, you know? So it's like, I'm back.
because I was good enough, which that felt nice. And then all of a sudden you're like, but it's on the condition of me being a proper Christian girl. So I could get sent away at any moment. So there's paranoia. There was still this sense of like shame. That I had because I was a bad kid, of course, totally adds up. So all of a sudden it's like you're 14 and a half. You're back home. You're, you've never dealt with anything that's happened throughout the previous years of your life.
There's shame, there's guilt, there's fear. I also felt withdrawn too. And then you can't deal with those because you can't talk about them. You just shove them all down and try to toe the line. Luckily, I was always aired on the side of being a happier person naturally. I think that was in my favor. So I really am thankful. Very thankful for that. We ended up moving. Um. I don't know, probably about 20, 15, 20 minutes away from where we were living at that parsonage by the church.
And uh, I think my mom and dad did that because they didn't want me to be in the same place that they had, you know, they had found me in the car and they didn't want me to be living in the same place where some of those problems to them had started. Were you happy about that? Um, yeah. I was, I didn't want to be living there either. Uh, my dad became a traveling evangelist at that point. My mom managed a home health agency in town.
Um, so she was the, um, income earner at the time for our household. So he could do his evangelical ministry and. I kept doing the ACE program. So just stayed with the packet program to homeschool. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was being prepped for my testimony, um, out of the girl's farm too. Be the spokesperson for, you know, my dad sometimes, uh, going to churches with him. And we did a little TV show and my testimony prepping was, I was promiscuous, um, drug addicted.
Um, I was having withdrawals, stealing, rebellion, et cetera. Down the road. I found out that that was not true. Like, you know, the drug addiction withdrawal, you know, I don't even remember stealing. Honestly. Like I was going around with my dad giving this testimony about myself that I didn't even remember, but that had been prepped to tell because, you know, I was a rebellious teenager in a Christian home. They sent me away. I come back, I'm healed, I'm whole. And I'm a spokesman.
for Spokeswoman, you know, for Jesus now. So you were actually believing that you were addicted to drugs. Yes. My previous experience with drugs before I left home was there was Freon in an air conditioning tank. This sounds so horrible. Country kids. Here we are. Yeah. Um, um, at the church next door that we live to. And um, Occasionally, we would go over there and get, you know, huff the Freon, which obviously is terrible for you.
I remember somebody asking me one time if I wanted to smoke a roach, and I said, Oh, that's disgusting. It's a bug. I had no idea what drugs were, so I had no drug experience really other than huffing. I believed my parents. And the promiscuity.
Like having to tell testimonies based on things like that, even when you had been raped, not once, not twice, but several times by multiple people, um, it just starts really messing with your, your mind at the time, you got to remember, I didn't think I was raped because I was at fault for putting myself in that situation. There was no way I could ever talk about things in a true way of what happened, you know, I just trusted them because I was out of my mind on drugs according to them.
And plus they built this testimony for me. So now I was locked into it. I want to know how these things got into your testimony. Did you sit down with your dad and he told you what to say? Well, they just told me this is what I had done. And so my testimonies were always. pretty short. So basically like he was doing most of the talking. He was the one preaching and then I was there on the side, you know, just admitting to the fact that, you know, I went through these things and now I'm free.
And you're performing for your dad. Oh, absolutely. I bought into it at the time. It was a tension. My dad wanted to promote me in front of people. He was proud to be with me, you know, um, it was, uh, it was a good feeling in that way. I trusted that they knew what they were talking about. Cause at this point, you know, I'm a good. Christian girl and I have a testimony and so I'm getting to do things. My dad was proud of me and I did want to hold on to that.
I, I felt loved again and I hadn't felt that way in a long time. So I went with it and we ended up going to Russia on a missions trip. I believe it was for 10 days and we're supposed to be saving people. And they didn't prep you for that. No, I didn't know . Were there other kids there or was it just adults and you? I think it was adults and me. I was like the youngest one. So, and they didn't educate you on what you're about to do? No, other than we are going to, you know, preach the gospel.
My dad was so proud of me that I got to go on that trip. I was, my dad and I Okay with this other group of, you know, like he had a group of people, you know. To, to minister to people, I, there was a security in that, you know, feeling, um, like my dad loved me. Uh, but we went to like a women's prisons and, um, that women's prison had an orphanage in it. I mean, these women were having babies and they were taken to the orphanage. Oh my God. And so here we are.
with other people that have major trauma, and we weren't talking about it either. It was just, we were there to minister. And, but I, I was seeing things that didn't make sense to me. Um, my world opened up in a way that it's, it, It was eye opening. I didn't know what to do with that. I got up on stage and spoke to them about my testimony. It was a lot to take in as a child. Over the past few months, Stephanie's dad had been sharing his version of her testimony.
He stood before congregations, sharing Stephanie's story of redemption, in which she believed, although she was not asked to write. Then he took her on a mission trip to Russia. She wasn't prepared, mentally or emotionally. For the magnitude of this experience, traveling through the Russian countryside, she watched poverty stretch for miles. And then, a moment of real fear. A tense encounter with a local. A situation that threatens her safety.
I was on a train, you know, on the railing, looking out the window. Uh, there were people in the snow, pumping buckets of water out houses. I had never seen anything like that. And in that train, there was a guy that was not in our trip. He was, I guess, a local and came up behind me and put his arms around me and around the railing. So I couldn't, you know, get away from him.
And. All of a sudden you're just feeling like, Oh my God, I'm in another position and I'm out here out of my room by myself. So it's my fault. I didn't try to yell for help or anything, but luckily somebody came out of the room and um, they, you know, cut that situation very quickly. Who what, who came out of the room? I don't remember. It was one of the people, I feel like it was a woman, I can't remember who was on this trip.
And it was like that relief of like, Oh my God, I didn't cause another situation in my life. Uh, cause it would have been my fault because I was standing there by myself, you know. I was not equipped to be, be there on the type of trip we were doing. We didn't do anything to help these people other than preach to them and dance for them. There was like a dance team with us, you know, I was like, Oh dear Lord. And even then, like, I didn't question it.
Because, obviously, I needed my dad to still love me and be proud of me. What kind of a dance team, side note? Oh my gosh, um, maybe we'll have to also put a little clip of this so people can understand it. But a lot of the evangelical churches, non denominational churches, have dance teams. Like, my sister was on the dance team in our church. I mean, you're fully clothed. Literally, like, neck to wrist to ankles. And very flowy dresses.
And you do these choreographed dances during songs when the praise and worship is on and stuff. I did have conflicting feelings. There was a sadness that I felt. It was a sadness that I remember to this day being in that women's prison. And I was like, what can we possibly say that's going to make this better for them? But because Jesus is this, the be all end all, that's all we got. So we got to give it to him, right?
Um, I didn't understand what we were doing there and all the money we had spent. And people were still in the places they were when we left. Um, it's like we weren't really helping people. When I got back from that trip, I was very sick and ended up with a pretty severe infection. But it was just another trauma because now that same infection, oddly enough, is called idiopathic angioedemia.
And when I get really, really stressed or too tired, um, my ear literally will swell up and split open almost. Um, and I have to be on steroids and stuff. So whatever infection I got over there inflicted. so much trauma to my actual, you know, physical body that it now flares up if, you know, I'm not taking care of myself. My mom actually took really good care of me, um, during that. I think that's when I realized how good her nursing skills were.
She was never very Uh, compassionate with pain and stuff like that, I think because she was a nurse, um, but in this situation, because it was so bad, her nursing skills came out in full force. She talked to a doctor and instead of me being in the hospital, um, I was able to stay home with her. She could administer like, you know, IVs. She had to do the scrub down on my ear because at this point it looked like a purple cauliflower on my head. Um, and then my veins would collapse.
And so she would drive me, you know. Who knows how far away to a pediatric clinic that she knew and they would, you know, redo my IV. And finally that happened so much. She's like, Stephanie, she's like, I am going to do this for you. You have to let me do this. Cause I did not want her sticking me with a needle. Oh man. I was, I was very freaked out the first time she came at me with that IV needle, but. But it was the, the best anyone had ever done.
And she was, um, gentle and caring in that moment in a way that I had not experienced with her. So I do. and a half and for the first time you felt your mom, a maternal side of her to take care of you. I did feel like that love from her by her care. And um, so at this point, like I've got a proud dad, I've got a mom that's actually, you know, keeping me well and out of the hospital. Hospital. Um, so, you know, it was a pretty, pretty good time in life. . Mm-hmm . Absolutely.
She was an excellent nurse. That's what's crazy. Yeah. She really, she really was good at what she did and I do appreciate the care she gave me in that timeframe. It was well, um, well app. It was definitely appreciated for the first time. Stephanie speaks of her mother being kind to her, a small fleeting moment before her parents made their next decision, a decision that would alter the course of her life. And so shortly after that, you know, they ended up sending me to a church camp.
I think it was more of like a four day, three, four day situation. Nothing crazy. I did not fit in with the other teens. I mean, they, I mean, had lived normal lives in certain ways. I mean, even just like you think of pop culture and, and I had missed out on all of that. And so it's like, I. I, I could not relate to people my age and I was homeschooled still. So I was completely isolated from most teens.
Um, already one of the counselors, the teen counselors on this, um, teen camp, you know, for children, I was 15, he was 25 and ended up taking a liking to me. I don't think I genuinely liked him. I think I genuinely liked the idea of the attention that I was getting, and he was older, and so that felt, um, safe. Um, this was somebody that had some life experience, and It was just mild flirting that he would, you know, do, like, but nothing happened while we were at the camp.
And, um, when I got back from that church camp, it's, uh, you know, presented my parents with the idea of dating this Christian camp counselor that was almost 10 years older than I was. They, at first, said absolutely not. He ended up meeting with them dinner or something and talking to them by themselves. I don't know what was happening behind the scenes with that, but I just know I remember being upset because I couldn't date this guy. And, um, so he convinces them to, um, let him date me.
Okay. So let me get this straight. So your parents said yes. And now you're officially allowed to date a 25-year-old. Yes. Stephanie's story isn't unique. According to the Journal of Adolescent Health in the us, between 2000 and 2018, nearly 300,000 minors. Mostly girls were legally married with some as young as 10. Most were 16 or 17, married to men on average of four years older as of 2025.
Thirteen states have banned minors from marrying, four permit adolescent marriage, and the remaining states permit underage marriage with various laws in place. In fact, most U. S. states still allow marriage before 18, and the four states that banned it did so only in the last three years. How often would they let you see him? That's the weird thing. Also, such a whirlwind. I don't remember how often I was getting to see him.
It's not like we were going on dinner dates, you know, he was allowed to come over to the house. Okay, so. It was that type of date. In the living room, you'd sit and watch TV together. It's not like we'd be in the room alone. We got to go to church together, you know, things like that. And at 15 and a half, I was engaged to him. And then the non consensual sexual acts kind of started. Shortly after that engagement, um, my dad ended up getting his second church.
And so we ended up moving to Kinder, Louisiana. And although I was engaged to this man in Texas, I was still 15 and a half, so I had to move with them. And so I would get to go back and forth sometimes to see him. And this, um, you know, uh, fiancé would come to visit. And the abuse at that point had started physically. He would get very Like verbally angry with me very quick.
Um, but then there was one incident specifically where I was with a friend from the church and her father in law owned this big like tractor supply company and I don't know what we were even doing. I was there with her. He drove up and I, I, I think I mentioned that I was going to be hanging out with her, not the answer he wanted. Um, the window on the passenger side door was cracked and I had my hands just, you know, propped up on it telling him this.
And then the next thing I know he has grabbed my hand and pulled me through that space until my head slammed onto the side of the car door. And so I ended up with bruises all over my arm. I had to get in the car with him. And we drove away and we're driving down the road. I would imagine at least 50 miles an hour and he's pulling on the emergency brake. So we would spin out into the ditch sometimes. And so all of a sudden I am very afraid of him.
And we are about to get married and I'm too afraid to even say anything because he has put that fear immediately in me. And all of a sudden we have gone from being engaged to I have an abuser and he has manipulated me up into this point that once that happened, it's like he had full control. I was so ill equipped to deal with anything. And it was my fault because later on, my mom told me when I asked her about it, um, I was dismissed and said, Oh my gosh, you would have been rebellious.
And so we just had to say, yes, I just, it's like they never just wanted to deal with any normal conflicts of just teaching me even. And I just. was a nuisance, I think, in their eyes. They just had to just not deal with me, basically. I always thought something was really wrong with me, and there was. I was broken.
I remember my dad had to have sent something at one point because before we got married, He sat me down one time and he said, sweetie, if there's anything going on, you want to talk to me about, or if you don't want to get married, it doesn't matter what amount of money we've spent. All you have to do is say the word.
It's the only time he's ever talked to me like that because at that point, now I'm scared of this other man in my life and I've never had my dad even give me that opportunity to speak truthfully. And I just remember tears rolling down my face in that moment and just. swallowing so hard and saying, everything is fine. And he said, okay. And I just wanted so badly for him to rescue me. Yes. And I also didn't want to disappoint him.
And I know that sounds so weird, maybe if you're listening, but in, in the place that I was in my life, I mean, I had never experienced like a life outside of the first five years that wasn't full of abuse. And, um, this was the first time in my life that I felt like my parents were even semi proud of me and to tell them that I was with a man that was doing these things. Um, and I had chosen that is how I felt. It's like they allowed me. To date him and get engaged to him because I wanted that.
And therefore that was something I chose. And I did not want to tell my dad that day because I did not want to disappoint him. Because I just always thought it was my fault. That marriage, do you think that if you were fun, if you went to a Girl Scout camp and you met this guy, would they have supported it? This thing allowed them to say yes to their 15 year old getting married. Because he was at a religious camp. So he must be a Christian. He must be a good man.
I mean, that's the only reason for sure. But when you're 25 and you're trying to get with a 15 year old, I feel like there's already a big issue no matter who you are. What the hell do we know between 15 and 17? Because in my parents eyes, even though that was the only time they've ever been like, Yes, come home. Um. Because I was a minor still, technically. Um, it was still, like, they were the decisions I had made. And consequence, you know, is with actions.
And I looked back, and I remember the first time feeling angry with my parents. Like, years and years later, once I had a 15 year old daughter. I would bar the windows and lock her in her room before I would ever let a 25 year old man propose to her. Yes. And my parents, I confronted them about that after I, I really thought, what the hell, basically. Like, what? Because you said your dad asked you, are you sure? Yeah, yeah.
You're 15. I was scared to death to say no. I mean, like, it was like, I was just Always trying to escape anyway, so Even if it was into the lion's den Because when I confronted my parents my mom said oh You would have been Rebellious and so we didn't want to deal with that because you were gonna have your way. Yeah And in my mind, I was like, why? Let me be rebellious. Let me kick and scream. You were my fucking parents, right? So you were supposed to protect me.
You were supposed to say no And instead you signed the papers over to one of the worst physical abusers I had in my life. I don't feel sorry for myself as an adult, but I feel sorry for that child. Like, and you can't ask yourself these questions, but you also can't help it either. It's like, what could she have been with some love and some acceptance and some proper skills, you know? Um. What could she have accomplished?
And I feel like I was robbed of all of that, and it's something I will never get back. And I don't live in that thought process, but it still makes me feel sad for that part of myself at that time in my life. Um, we have to, we have to shed, we have to shed the fear. of keeping things, I think, to ourselves sometimes. And we have to be empowered. And that way we can empower others, you know, a lot of times you feel alone.
Yeah. It just takes one person saying something that resonates with you to realize you're not alone. And that is the start of empowerment and your own process of healing. With that letter that you let me read on the plane, um, that you wrote to your 13 and a half year old self, would you mind sharing that letter with us? Yeah, I can definitely share that letter with you. Um, this was, um, my letter to 13 year old Stephanie.
Uh, when I first started therapy, it's one of the assignments my therapist had me do at first. And honestly, I'd never been in therapy. So as a 40 something year old, I thought this is ridiculous. But I understand, um, the significance of it now, and reading back through it now is even different than when I first wrote it, the feelings that it gives me, so. So buckle up, girl. You've got some tough times ahead. Your need to please others, be loved, be liked, etc. are really not your fault.
Your parents are wrapped up in their own life as pastors, so they fell short being good parents. When they should have loved you and tried to understand your pain is when they discarded you. That shit hurts for a lifetime But you'll never realize how bad until you're older. You sought this out and other people, but unfortunately They are unhealthy and will hurt you as well Don't get discouraged because there is something in you that will keep fighting.
You'll never give up even though it always seems to get worse 13 is a hell of a turning point You are trying to gain some sort of independence and normalcy because you have had no guidance headed into your teens. You tried cutting and starving yourself, but you felt nothing. You already feel like you're never good enough, so why not seek it out from others, another source? You've been homeschooled and kept from social norms and friends.
You've never even had sex education or been told anything other than don't do it until you're married. You are really headed into the unknown with no map or tools or guidance. The people you meet to fill that void are not the right people, but you felt like there was no other option because you were literally trapped. You felt the need to escape. These new people are not your friends.
But because you have no reference point for friends, you fall victim to rape and older men taking advantage of you. You felt important even though it wasn't destructive. But please don't feel bad about what happened. You are a child. Once again. These were adults that should have protected a child, but that is not your fault. You're sent away for almost two years. Of course you feel abandoned. But also some relief at times. You have friends, consistency, and there's no physical abuse.
It's at least safe. They're going to mess with your head, but you're strong enough to not get too fucked up by that. Um, you also will realize you're gay. But don't even know what that means and you'll bury it deep because you don't want to go to hell or get in trouble. You're never going to have a Quote, normal life, and that sucks. It really sucks. You want, sorry, you would have been so capable of anything if you would have had love and guidance.
You were vibrant, musically gifted, smart, and had so much love to give. You were creative, but no one ever showed you how to cultivate any of that. Remember, you were just a kid and had already gone through abuse, rape, rejection, and cult like religion. Your uncle fucked with your head too, and it got confusing because he was another adult in your life. There was no one you could ever talk to. No one was safe. I don't even know how you made it this far.
It was a lifetime of hurt and such a pivotal point in your life. One day you'll have to forgive yourself for not knowing how to self preserve. It's going to be in your 40s before you even realize how much pain you've buried and how much help you need to dig out of it. Just know that with all the mistakes yet to come, you are a fighter. For some reason there is something in you that's so strong and wants so badly to do good. You are good.
You are full of amazing qualities and later in life others will see it too. And you'll be surrounded by true love and friendship. The only thing you'll have to figure out is how to believe these things about yourself. Even now I can't seem to grasp. That I am worthy of a good life. Believe in yourself though. Because future you is going to figure it out and eventually, I'm sure of that. Future you is so thankful you never gave up. Thank you, Stephanie. Next time on Just One Person.
That song I sang called Monsters Out of Men. It's about him strangling me and spitting on me and everything. One of my exes, my first one. He was the child bride guy. I was 16. Yeah. The courses I've made monsters out of men. It's like a play on words because that is how I felt. I thought that it was always my fault. Listen to just one person on Spotify, Apple podcast, or wherever you get your podcast, visit just one person podcast. com for more information.
If you enjoy this podcast, please share it with a friend and follow us on Instagram at just one person podcast. If you or someone you know is affected by abuse or is in need of support, resources are available, and we have listed them in the episode. Episode notes or you can call the Child Help National Child Abuse Hotline. It's 1 804 a child available 24 7. You can also text four dash Hope 2 7 4 1 dash 7 4 1.
Just one person is produced by J one P Productions executive produced by me, Lisa Bloom, lead producer and story editor. Carrie Caulfield Sound designed by Alejandro Rome. As a special thanks to voice actor Scott McKinley portraying Stephanie's dad, our heartfelt thank you to Stephanie's partner, Melissa Weaver, and my wife Julie Leski for being a part of the podcast team. Also to Stephanie's three close friends, Krista on Elisa and Beck for participating in this series.
Music for this podcast is from Epidemic Sound and Sounds Stripe original music recorded and performed by our First Season's guest. Stephanie Michele and the Michele Michele Band.