This podcast is intended for mature audiences only and may contain content that could be triggering. Please listen with discretion. We learned in episode two. Stephanie's childhood was already marked by instability. By sixth grade, she had lived in six different homes and attended four schools. Her father's beatings, including one that left her unconscious, became normalized abuse, turning violence into a constant in her life. And I'm going into sixth grade.
I had a cousin, like one that was close to my age and so I had a little built in friends group already. Yeah. 'cause of her. And um, then I realized I was. A little heavier set than the other kids at the time, , I was being bullied a little bit because of it, and also because my dad was a substitute teacher there. He was substitute teaching. 'cause this was sixth, seventh, and eighth grade and it was a whole middle school and very small place.
But. You know, all of a sudden your dad's substitute teacher as well. Oh God, what a nightmare for a kid. You know, like girls, you know, were just mean to me. They would be like, I'm gonna tell your dad you did this and this and this. Like things that weren't true. And I was like, I don't think they realized. I was like, if you. Tell my dad that like, I will be murdered. And I didn't even do it, but he won't even ask me if I did it.
He'll just believe you, . And so my lovely grandmother who in all innocents put me on my first diet, , went on the Spicer's diet, which um, I'm sure no one's heard of, but it was little bags of these wheat, um. Puffs basically. And they had 'em in like chocolate, barbecue, sour cream, and onion, you know, flavor. It was like a hundred to 120 calories a bag. That was your meal. And so , I lost weight very quickly, um, because I had the companionship of my cousin.
Mm-hmm . And I could escape to her house. Mm. And her mom was a school teacher as well, and she was just Very nurturing and just very kind and sweet. And they always had Chips Ahoy cookies at their house too, , which was really cool. And they got to watch the Smurfs, which we weren't allowed to watch because you know, it had a wizard in it. So I get to sneak over there and watch, you know, like real shows.
So. I, I think that really helped distract me from how I felt inside and just live what I felt was normal again. It is, it is weird, especially, like I said, having had kids and gone through, you know, these life cycles with them as they get older. I do look back and just think, um, it was, it was a lot at such an early age to not . Know how to deal with it. By the end of sixth grade, I started looking like I was much older than I was. 'cause I developed very soon.
Um, like I had my height, all my body curves. I was fully developed by the end of sixth grade. Um, my cousin and I got along great. We were very, very different, but we got along so great. They also had a swimming pool. Oh, um, bonus. An inground swimming pool, . Whoa. I know. They were, we felt like they were the rich people on the block, of course. And I just had to walk. Literally through a couple of backyards and I was over there. So I think that created like some security in me.
Um, they were Baptist, but just like normal Baptist, it felt like a safe space. I remember her dad, my mom's oldest brother being very grumpy, but he was . He was always fine towards us. Started Mom's brother? Yeah, my mom's brother. The oldest out of the four of them, and so that created some security in my life. Again, I had some family around, I had somebody's house to just walk to and we knew that we were not supposed to be with my uncle, the youngest brother of my mom alone and.
I knew, I think some of the reasons why I think there was some possible molestation issues there. He was also an alcoholic. Um, but that's, we weren't really . You know, told in detail, he had, um, two sons, so two different, um, wives. I think he ended up having three or four wives by the end of it. But actually, I mean, really enjoyed being around his partners. They were a lot of fun, but, uh, we weren't allowed to be around him by ourselves. But he literally lived, as you saw.
Yes. When we went to Texas in my grandmother's backyard, like right there. I mean, literally just walked through the backyard. And you were at his house? Mm-hmm . And so he was always around. We're very familiar with him. We treated him like normal, you know? But we knew we couldn't be alone with him and just had suspicions really, of why not necessarily knowing exactly why he was literally around all the time, but we weren't supposed to be alone with him.
So he obviously, his mother, your Masha, and his brother who has the pool, knows all about him. Right. Possibly. I know the mother has to you and I would know that about our child as mothers, don't you think? I, I feel like my answer would be yes, but at the same time, I mean, her mom was probably who knows, living in her own trauma and wasn't grounded, you know, to realize I have no idea. I can't even answer that.
Yeah, I can't speak for it because . I know too many people that things have happened behind closed doors, and I've, I've been in that situation myself where I had no idea something was going on. Yes, yes. Uh, so in the summer we were allowed to go to the pool at my cousin's house by ourselves because I was old enough at that point and there was no one down there.
And I went down one day to just get in the pool and I was down there by myself, just, you know, floating around, having a good old time, being alone. And my uncle, the youngest brother, my mom comes down and, um, gets in the pool. And all of a sudden I remember feeling that feeling of like, oh no, I'm alone with him. And the next thing I know very quickly, he is just, you know, talking to me, making me laugh, like just being a normal uncle and then making sexual advances towards me.
And I remember trying to get out of the pool on the ladder. I. And he came up and put his arms around the top of the ladder and just was there. And I, I had, I turned around because I was like, what is happening? You know? And um, so it became uncomfortable very quick even though there was nothing coming out of his mouth to suggest what he was thinking.
His actions were very suggestive, and I know I'm not supposed to be alone with him, and all of a sudden I can feel feelings in my body that aren't comfortable and I know something's not right. But then as he sees my nervousness, he also gets out of the pool and he offers me a cigarette. And . I had never had a cigarette before. But being the rebellious kid I was, I thought my uncle is offering my first cigarette. It's a kind gesture. He offers me the cigarette and I decide I'm gonna be bad.
You know, , I'm gonna be ba it. 'cause I always. Felt like I never got to do anything. I never got to go to sleepovers. I never got to go to school dances. I didn't get to try out for cheerleading. I was just like, at this point I was really, gimme the cigarette. Yeah. Starting to feel like that. Giving up like I, you know, I just, I never get to do anything, so I'm gonna do this. And there was a little shed, I think it like, it was a shed by a garage off the side of the pool. Um.
. And so we go into the shed and it is dark, and I remember the lighting, the cigarette, and I don't even remember like puffing on it for the fir. I didn't even know how to smoke a cigarette. I don't even remember puffing on it really or anything, but. In my mind, everything goes, um, black. Um, I don't remember walking home. I don't remember anything that happened. I don't remember smoking the cigarette, putting the cigarette out, anything.
I just remember going into that shed and then, you know. After lighting a cigarette. It's just black in my mind. Um, and I couldn't talk to anybody about that because I was down there and I was by myself with him, and therefore it was my fault. And I, uh, I mean from that moment, I think blinked. Out that memory from walking in the shed on, I just.
It's, I know a lot of people have gone through some really horrible things, and I don't know how they make it out because my things feel so minimal compared to others, but it was still so much, it was so heavy inside. I was, it's just like I was already drowning. Um, I can't tap into anything other than the feelings in my body, which have expressed to me that something happened. And, um, I know it wasn't good.
I'm okay with not knowing the details of that at this point, because what good would that do me? , you know what I mean? Because I think that would be really, really even more and just be more hard to deal with. You know what I mean? So I'm glad that . If anything, my body, my mind, whatever, um, kind of protected me from the rest of that situation. Yeah. Because at that point in my life, I don't think I could have handled much more already, you know? Yeah. I was already feeling very burdened.
So I think my mind, um, in some weird way helped protect me from just falling into a complete pit of despair. So it was really the cigarette because. I was like, I did something wrong like that. Lighting that cigarette and being there with him immediately made me think that I was the bad person. When you're raised in an environment where your self-worth is reminded over and over, that it's very low, you're gonna be in these situations, I feel like you almost become, um, like a target.
And, um, I didn't know what to do with that at that age, at this point. I had never been taught to even talk to anybody or question anything. Uh, I see . Kids at that age that have been taught boundaries and have lived in healthy households. Mm-hmm . And how much more equipped they are to handle things or run immediately to their parents. I mean, it's like my girlfriend telling me a story one time about something happening and she went straight to her dad.
It's not something that happened to her, but you know what I mean? It was just like she knew she could trust. I was already just holding on, um, . To what felt like the weight of the world. Mm-hmm . But also I had the, um, demeanor of like a happy person. 'cause that was just my natural state, you know?
So I was really good at, I think people just not even probably thinking to ask most of the time because I seemed, my grandmother would always tell me like, She loved hearing me laugh because it made her laugh. I had the best laugh. She would tell me. Um, I was naturally just happy, but I was carrying, I was carrying a lot of, a lot of internal stress already at a young, young age. I needed somebody to help me.
Mm-hmm . I mean, luckily for me, I think the thing that has really helped me was the love I had for my Mimi and my pop pop. Mm-hmm . Even though I couldn't talk to them. I still felt safe with them and I felt loved and I think that is the one thing through my whole life I have held on to. Like that feeling they gave me, that experience I got to have with them helped me under. Stand that something existed out of what I was feeling.
'cause I've had so many people ask me over the years and they're like, how are you still here? How did you escape this? How did, how are you still happy? You know? Mm-hmm . And I think it's because whatever they gave to me, I held onto so much tighter than I did even all the other stuff. 'cause I wanted so badly. I knew that somewhere in life that existed, you know? Do you remember seeing him the next time? Like you're the around people or what was it like when you saw him again?
I don't remember. How much longer did you live there after that happened? Approximate? Ooh, I think maybe just a couple of months at the most. Okay. Were you happy to move or. I honestly don't remember that either. I think this was definitely more the starting point of disassociation, I think for me early on. Okay. As a child, um, I have memories of course, but sometimes, um, I. It's, it's still scattered like the details.
Not long after the abuse by our uncle, which her parents were unaware of, they announced to the family that they were moving to a new home, which was located deep in the rural countryside of Texas. Stephanie is now 13. She transitioned from public school to a video-based homeschool program that was rooted in Christian principles. This is the family's seventh home. We had moved out of my, you know, grandmother's house. This was our first, you know, house as a family again after the car accident.
And, uh, I was lucky enough to have my own little half private bath in my room, even though it was a small house. And this was seventh grade. So seventh grade got started off with a bang. We were homeschooled at that point. I call it video school 'cause I was in the ABEKA program and they literally sent videos. It was actually a very hard private program. So. My dad ended up becoming the praise and worship leader of two larger churches. One was a mega church, it was called Maranatha.
At the time. There was this huge dome in, I believe, Baytown, Texas, and then they had a sister church in liberty. And, um, there was always a band behind him and he got everybody, you know, revved up for the service. And so, yeah, I get that service kicked off. And then my mom, she was with him a lot even when he, he was at church, like doing things. I would a lot of times watch my video school, you know, schooling by myself. My parents weren't there, you know.
But my mom was not technically, I don't think working at the time. I could be wrong, but I don't think she was. So, you know, here we are out in, you know, the country still . Yeah. My parents, you know, we're still trying to get in the hierarchy of the church and you know, my dad started out as the praise and worship leader again, but that was never his end goal. And so . Us, specifically me. 'cause it's my perspective, you know, was being the perfect children for this.
Pastor life and I was once again, never good enough. And so there were a lot of beatings. I mean, there were times my dad would slap me across the face until it knocked me down. And I remember one time standing up and. And saying like, don't you ever slap me like that again. You knocked me down on the floor. And he's like, if I would've slapped you hard enough, you would've been smeared across the wall. And so I never said anything again, . Wow. I was terrified.
Um. and you know, so once again, physical abuse was always a factor, but it was in the name of God and I didn't even consider the fact that it was abuse at the time. And it was both of 'em that did it, right? Yes. And my mom, although she didn't dish out the physical punishment as much, she definitely rubbed my dad up to do so and so if I upset her. I knew that it was gonna be 10 times, you know, it was worse. Worse because he, like I said, worshiped the ground.
My mother walked on and mm-hmm we did not get to upset my mother without him being, like I said, 10 times more upset, So, you know, that was always a fine line to walk. There was a little creek right beside the church. And you have to remember, our house was literally on the other side of the church. So there was this little creek that ran behind everything and there was just this small covered. You know, small bridge that went across that creek and I just immediately was drawn to that place.
I feel like this was so much more overgrown though, like you couldn't see as much of the creek when I lived here. But yeah, I would literally sit here and just hang out and every now and then sneak a cigarette. No way. Yeah. You would smoke this. Oh, look at that. Look at that. You see it? Holy shit. Yeah. Like turtles, guys, real turtles. Um, just, it was my, my quiet place. Cool. Oh man, there's so many. You see 'em? See the big ones? Yeah. Did they have those when you were here? Oh yeah.
Turtles everywhere. That's one time my sister and brother ended up popping around the corner. Remember, they were younger than I was and I was like, oh God, I, I burnt the back of my calf with my cigarette bite. 'cause I accidentally put it out on my leg , because I got so nervous I could, although it was very close to the house, that's the only reason I could go there. I would just sit and I, I, I just remember being. Just sad. There was a lot of heaviness inside of me.
As much as I wanted to be so happy, there was still a lot of inside of me weighing me down. It's like that overwhelming feeling came back of feeling. So alone mm-hmm . I, I didn't know what other options I, I had, um, I had nobody to talk to. It almost became my security blanket in a way because it was my honest feeling with myself, even if I couldn't be honest with others about how I felt. And, uh, as we sat there just recently, like that feeling. Okay. I mean, I felt it.
It, I, I, I remember feeling how I felt that day and it's a bad memory spot, but it's also a memory of how I felt. I remember the turtles 'cause I was so excited. You gotta see one of the big ones underwater. 'cause that was just, we always saw turtles down there. You forgot about it. Yeah. But it was so wooded. Yeah. It wasn't clear. So I could be in that place. 'cause the bridge didn't even go across. It just stopped like that land was not open at that point. So the bridge didn't cross?
No, it just kind of stopped because it got so wooded because all those buildings didn't exist. There wasn't a pathway. Okay. So I could go in there and it was like being tucked away. Like you were tucked away in the woods. There was this creek, there were turtles. Gosh, I was probably there for like a year-ish. I remember also, uh, just feeling so badly for that child back then, now that I'm an adult and I didn't know that and I gave up on me 'cause no one had ever even given me.
Anything like that to work with, um, people pleasing . That's the only thing. Yeah. You know, I had learned was people pleasing in the name of Jesus . It's a hard story to share, like consent and rape over the years. I didn't know anything about that when I was younger and just. You know, educating myself with things as I've gotten older. I would love to just, it's just Can you hang out? Hang out on that?
Yes. So my dad and I would play basketball over here, which is the court still, which is funny. Pastor here? Yeah. Not here. He knew the pastor here, but we lived in the parsonage next door. Really? Yeah. Like you're, I was 13, that's why I haven't been back since I've been 13. Our first stop in Texas. It took us to the church and house where Stephanie once lived and worshiped a space that is now part of a men's reform facility.
We were invited inside the chapel where she remembered being baptized. The man showing us around was welcoming and he agreed to give us the tour. I'm Stephanie. Stephanie, yeah. Nice to meet you. You can leave this. Okay, cool. So this was the chapel because isn't there bap baptism up here? Yeah. Yeah. I totally forgot about that until just now. Yeah, I was baptized in here, so strange baby in that little place right there. What? It's not a church. No ma'am. It's just a picture though.
Absolutely. That's wild. I totally forgot I was baptized here until I just like when I walked up those steps, I was like, I remember those steps. I wanna get it from, because I was really young, so Roger was one of my dad's pastor friends and he pastored. This was before we even moved over there though. He pastored this church. I think that's where that association came from, that we ended up there. Ah. Um, and he was the one that baptized me. Interesting. Five A photo. I remember how old I was.
I was very young. The rows of worn out oak pews had sat many god-fearing church members for decades. The front row facing the small raised. To stage was always reserved to cradle the preacher's kids and formally known as pks. To the right on the small stage set the pulpit from which the pastor delivered the message of God and directly above it, built into the wall was the baptismal font, A water-filled vessel, much like a bathtub now an empty, silent fixture. At the center of it all.
Interesting. Five a photo. Um, and I had a friend that was able to come sleep over one night from our youth group. And that was a rarity. So I was very, very excited. You know, I just, I, I, I played my cards wisely, you know? And, uh, so this friend, she wasn't a bad friend, she wasn't a bad influence, anything like that, but that night she's like, we should sneak out. And I remember thinking like, oh my God, I have never thought about that. Never considered that the bad child, right?
Never thought about sneaking out. No. And then all of a sudden I'm like, . Well, that's cool. . I mean, we're not doing anything. We're just roaming around in the dark, you know, country, whatever. I mean, my adrenaline is, is so pumped at this point. , yeah. Sneaking out and we go over to the church and we go over to the bridge, you know, just roaming around and around. And so there were a couple. Of boys that ended up out there and started talking to us. They were skater boys.
The guy that drove our bus on the golf cart, like he said, they used to like 10 o'clock midnight, they would be walking up and down the road. So we end up, you know, hanging out with these boys for just literally a hot second before my friend says, I'm, I wanna go back now. Like her instincts. Quickly let her know it was, it was time to go back after you spoke with these guys. Yes. And so she's, she's smart enough, um, that she's been taught that maybe it's time to go back inside.
All of a sudden I realized, oh, I have these newfound friends out in the country. Um, was not super happy about me staying out. But, you know, that was, that morning came, we all go our separate ways. Mm-hmm . Uh, but I end up sneaking out again by myself. And, um, eventually I, I was over at . These guys' house, they lived nearby, so it was like a walk down the street in this tiny little house and they said, come on over. Yeah. And so I was like, oh my God.
Like, you know, I've been contemplating on this bridge whether I die or run away and well now I've got some friends, so like this is gonna be great. As we stepped away from the church, we started down the country road where Stephanie had lived. I want to paint a picture for you. It was humid and thick with the scent of rain. If you've ever been in the south, you know these roads, black asphalt, embedded with rough stones and the roads are. Edged by deep red dirt.
We walked toward a house, both of us, knowing what it represented as I listened to Stephanie and her nervous laughter, I was anxious and I could tell she was too, as this was the place where the unthinkable. Had happened to her. It was like a crack house. Okay. Basically, they had old Camaros that would just sit out here in the front yard. Do you mind if we go to the end of the driveway? Yeah, of course. Of course. Because it looks like they cleaned it up, huh? Oh my God, yes.
This used to be like, it's more covered, like I said, this wasn't even here. Yeah. A lot more trees. The, this wasn't here either. Yeah, stitching, whatever, So I was, um, raped by one of the kids that was here. That. And then he over there? Yeah. Church. That was on the church steps. Him and his friend. Mm-hmm . And then he sent his friend in. After that, it was the back room on the corner of this house.
Okay. Um, and I, um, ended up in a room and the next thing I know, um, after he was done with me, he said, don't move. And then he sent the second guy in, and I remember, um, there was a bathroom. It's, um, so there's that front room and then there's the room behind that, and there's a bathroom in the middle. And, um, I, I did not even know what a Hyman was. It, it took me years to even realize, I think I was victimized and raped. Mm-hmm . Because once again, I felt like it's my fault.
I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I shouldn't have been out there, I shouldn't have snuck out. And I never even called it rape for a very long time. But there was no consent and there was kicking and there was nose and And it still happened, first of all, that I could be by myself even though I was lonely all the time. It was like that I could just sit there and look at the creek and, um, contemplate either suicide or running away.
I mean, and so it was a weird . Feeling to sit there and have all that, like all of a sudden I was just like, woo. Like that sucked, . You know, like that feeling back then being so young and not being able to, um, identify even why or where those feelings were coming from and why I felt so much pain because I just thought I was such a problem. Child, everything hurt so bad. I didn't even know anything about sex. I had no sex education up until that point other than abstinence.
And yeah, they threw me a white towel and said, clean up. I didn't know what was happening to my body either, right. Except that I was bleeding to death all of a sudden from what just happened. Um, and I dismissed myself from the house and went home. I, I just, I, I lost. I think I lost myself completely at that moment.
Um, there was no way I was telling my mom and dad because I just felt like they would, you know, want to kill me , just for sneaking out that it would be my fault that this ever happened. And so I kept sneaking out. You did. So you kept going back to their house. It became like an escape from my reality at home. I think I just stopped trying to feel anything. I did try to run away. Um, can you tell me what, how, what that looked like?
You can laugh about this and I would totally understand, but , I. I was struggling in ways that I don't even understand, but my parents didn't know what to do with that. So I packed a bag. I even put two rolls of toilet paper in it. . Um, I don't know why that was important, but that was very important to me. I mean, I was running away from everything. I was running away from them. I was running away from my parents and for some reason I left the bag in my closet. still at home.
I planned so well up through the toilet paper and then after that it all fell apart, and I went across the street to this same horrible house that I had been going to, and I snuck into one of the back of the cars and just thought I just needed to sleep for a little bit at their house. Yes. And why do you think you went there? I just didn't know where else to go. Um. And so I snuck into the one in the back of the cars and I fell asleep and nobody knew I was out there.
It still felt safer than home. Like home was never safe. And so being in the back of the car with the guys that had. Abused me, um, still felt safer than being at home. I remember waking up to the sound of my parents, so I hear the footsteps. They're at the front door. Knocking on the door and my dad asking if they had seen a young girl, and I guess it was the father who had answered the door. I think I had seen him once or so, but he was like never there. And so, yeah, I remember hearing them.
Have you seen a young girl? He says, no, I haven't. And for some reason my dad says, do you mind if I check your vehicles? And I thought I was becoming one with the floor of that car , but I was not. I was in the backseat and I rolled gently down into the floorboard and just literally tried to sink as low as I could, and he opened that door and grabbed my ankles and pulled me out of that car. And that's the moment I realized that I'm a dead person.
This episode delves into the pain she experienced and the burden of people pleasing. Stephanie works to remember her childhood trauma with the struggles of moving to her seventh home and fifth school by the age of 13. I. In addition, Stephanie had to deal with the devastating impact of abuse and the silence that existed with her parents. She could not tell them what happened to her or go to them for comfort and safety.
She was afraid as she revisits the places tied to her past, including a rural Texas church and its surrounding memories. Stephanie shares how she dis. Associates herself from her trauma for survival as she was growing up. Next on just one person. Stephanie shares what it was like when she was ripped from her home, days after she had been through months of unimaginable trauma. One morning her parents put her in the car and they took her on a seven hour drive, not sharing where they were going.
She was left in an isolating place. With no goodbyes, no hugs or reassurance that everything was going to be okay. She survived by playing along with complete strangers, by convincing them that her demons were gone, so they would simply leave her alone. But ultimately, she faced the hard reality of knowing that fear and control have officially replaced love and understanding by those who are meant to protect her.
If you or someone you know has experienced sexual assault, abuse, or harassment, you can call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE, and this is available 24 7. You can also chat online at hotline dot RA n.org. Rain services are confidential, free and available to anyone in need. If you or someone you know is affected by child abuse or needs support, you can call the Child Help National Child Abuse Hotline. It's 1 804 a child and also available 24 7.
You can also text four Hope to 7 4 1 7 4 1 and if you know someone that is contemplating suicide. Side, you can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 9 8 8. You can also chat online at 9 8 8 lifeline.org. They are also available 24 7. Please note resources are available. And we have them listed on our website at www.justonepersonpodcast.com. Just one person is produced by J one P Productions executive, produced by me, Lisa Bloom, and lead producer and story editor.
Kerry Caulfield sound designed by Alejandro Ramirez. And a special thanks to sound designer Amita Ra. A special thanks to voice actor Scott McKinley portraying Stephanie's dad, our heartfelt thank you to Stephanie's partner, Melissa Weaver. And my wife, Julie Leski for being a part of the podcast team. Also to Stephanie's three close friends, Krista Analisa and Becks for participating in this series. Music for this podcast is from Epidemic Sound and Sound, Stripe original music.
Recorded and performed by our first season's guest, Stephanie Michelle. And the Michelle Michelle Band. I'm the preacher, hollowed out.