This podcast is intended for mature audiences only and may contain content that could be triggering. Please listen with discretion. As I wrap up the last two episodes of Stephanie's story, there's a powerful shift unfolding, and honestly, it's the moment you and I have been waiting for when Stephanie started talking about her fourth marriage. She brought pages of handwritten notes.
She would search anxiously for the right words to describe behaviors That felt almost impossible to explain, but as she began sharing the truth of what it was like to be married to a textbook narcissist, something started to shift. I began hearing it in her voice, the first signs of her reclaiming her life. And this episode, it's not just Stephanie's, it's a chapter.
So many women live, one in three women experience intimate partner violence, and one of its most damaging and least understood forms is coercive control. Something we rarely talk about, but urgently need to. But here's what's amazing. Stephanie has finally reached that turning point. The moment when a lifetime of living in survival mode. Starts to transform into strength.
All the hope she's carried since she was a little girl, nurtured by the love of her grandparents as now becoming something solid, something clear, a deep knowing that enough is enough. All he was doing was breaking me and every part, part of my life. He was trying to break me with my child by even pitting us against each other in ways where.
I, I don't even know how he did it, but I would take up for her and it would cause him to fight me in a way that started making me feel like I was at fault for fighting for her. I had never been in a place like this relationship put me. Um, I, I had nothing left inside of me. The world changed because of Covid. Here we all are at home and no job. There's, you know, no high school.
His drinking was very escalated during this time and for me, my outlet a lot of times other than music was emotional eating and I was just. Feeding my depression at that point. So we were all, all a mess. You know, it was already in a trapped, non escape situation that turned into a literal, trapped, non escape situation. So prison became very real for a hot second. Uh, at some point my kid was dating a, um, a black boyfriend and, uh, my.
Kiddo's best friend was also biracial, so they come over for dinner and this is the beginning, middle of October of 2020, and we are eating dinner and the narcissist makes a comment to my kid's best friend. That was very inappropriate. And then proceeds to make a racist joke towards my child's boyfriend, and it was shocking. Um, the table got up and left. Uh, at this point my child was so enraged. And embarrassed and shocked that they were leaving, and I knew how upset they were.
So I just asked them to please not drive. So they went and sat out in their car to baw their eyes out and I stood there as, and the only way to describe it, it was like a million TV screens were all around me. And everything that he had done was on every TV, and I was surrounded by it, and I got so scared in that moment that it caused me to calm myself because that was the first time something had happened that was so jarring that it was.
There was no excuse for what he had just done, and it's like my brain and my body connected and just gave me enough energy to see what I needed to see and I was overwhelmed and I knew if I reacted that I would never get out of there. And so I stayed calm. He made excuses. I told him I understand. And I walked outside and sat in the car with my child and I cried my eyes out with them for a second, and then I pulled myself together and I said, I'm gonna need you to calm down.
I'm gonna need you to go back in the house with me and you can go to bed and you need to pretend like everything's okay. And I went back in the house and I pretended like everything was okay. Leaving isn't a clean break. It's a quiet act of courage. A decision made in the middle of fear. On average, it takes seven attempts for a survivor to break free. Because when you've lived in survival mode for so long, choosing your own peace doesn't feel quiet. It feels like a revolution.
And for Stephanie, this wasn't the moment. The cycle didn't just shift. It began to crack open, not with noise, but with one brave, steady choice. And that next day I got up. I went into my music studio, I put my music headphones on to pretend like I was working on music that day. I would just be like, yeah, I'm just really enjoying today. I am happy I'm getting this chance, blah, blah, blah. The whole time I'm messaging a few key women at this point to say, I need help.
This is the first time in my life that I'd also had. Somehow built a community of people in my life that I could reach out for help. I am a strong person, but I had been literally sucked of all energy at this point. And I had three women that I, I was talking to that day, on and off via text message all day and getting a letter together to write to him. To tell him that I needed a break.
I made sure that my child was out of the house that evening, spending the night with a friend, I sat down with him in a loving way because at this point I still don't know exactly what's happening. I just know it's not okay. I sat down with a. A written sheet of reasons to tell him I needed a two week break because my mind was so clouded and I was so tired that I cannot think straight and something is wrong, but I need to figure that out and I need space.
It was like things like we're fighting all the time. There's things you've said that are a little confusing to me. It's like I was being honest but also being vague at the same time because I didn't wanna point the finger at just one person. I really thought I was still the bad guy in a lot of ways. I start to read this paper again. He gets up, he walks away and goes and screams in the pillow over and over again. He comes back, he sits down, he's like, continue.
I'm reading it off the paper so I can stay focused. In all honesty. 'cause I was scared something was wrong, and that's all I knew. And I. For the first time started really listening to my body in a different way, and I start to talk again. He gets up, he goes and pours a large glass of straight whiskey. I. And sits down, I'm like, oh, dear Lord, I, you know, we're never gonna get this out.
So I start talking again and the third time he's about to get up and I literally put my hands on the table and I was like, I beg you. Do not get up again. I need to tell you this. And he sits down and he starts flailing his hands wildly. He's like, I've got so much energy in my body and I don't know what to do with it. I am immediately like in almost shut down mode because I have become very, very terrified.
I get out what I need to say and tell him I booked a hotel for him for three nights, and after that he can figure it out. By staying with a friend, we get to the front of the stairs, you know, leading down to the sidewalk in our house. So he starts telling me that I am abandoning him. It's his worst fear. I am throwing him away like trash, and I am crying and telling him I love him, and that's not what this is about. I told him, this is not about you right now.
This is about me and I need to clear my head. He hugs me and he starts trying to cry on my shoulder. And this is when I start really realizing it's an act. Um, because I, he's holding me and I'm telling him as he's hugging me and trying to cry, I'm so sorry, but I have to do this, and you have to leave now. And he backs up. There's no tears in his eyes. He goes. Straight up cold. He looks at me, he's like, I'm just trash to you. You're throwing me away. And he walks down the stairs and leaves.
When he left, I locked the doors and just fell smooth apart. At the time, I didn't know, um, the jarring feeling and my body and listening to it and acting upon it was very different. Um, gosh, this, it's so hard to explain, but. He ends up leaving because of Covid was working in the same salon I was at, but we all had our individual rooms and so that is one boundary that had been set, uh, was he was not to come into my salon. Well, I. First day out of the gate, he's in the salon.
He comes in, pulls my mask down and kisses me. I thought I was gonna throw up in my mouth at that point because I was just scared. How many days has had it been one and it just, it goes on and on. He'd spray perfume on my door. He. Play super loud music. He'd talk about me and to his clients, and he would walk by my room several times a day. I couldn't even go to a room that was empty and hide and eat without him finding me and coming in and.
Telling me he was going to commit suicide, he would be waiting outside for me when I drove up. This was happening within literally the first five days and I am fed up. I'm just scared, and I realized I am in a really bad situation by the end of the fifth day. He finds me in the back by the microwave in the back of this independent salon, and he's like, I just want you to know that I need space and so I'm not going to talk to you for the next few days. I'm like, I just was like dumbfounded.
I think my mouth was open because I was just like, okay, because that's what I've been trying to do for five days. Now it's losing control. So he's flipping the script. Um, at this point I realize I am in a bad situation. I had always had strength to get through these situations before, but this time I did not, God. I was just broken in a million pieces. I felt like I was just carrying myself through rooms sometimes. I, um, cried every day. And I reach out to some very good friends of mine.
These are women and they're strong women, badass women that came to my side when I needed it the most in my life. And these women came together and they had me out of that house within two weeks because that was the timeline I'd given him. Um, my kid and I were moved and I took everything that was mine. He would be in the back watching me move out all the things and would just stare the whole time out of the apartment. He was in the parking lot, just sitting there on the sidewalk vaping. Mm-hmm.
There were times that, of course, when they were moving me out, I, they would surround me, um, I would be in the middle of just wonderful, wonderful women. Holding me as I collapsed. I'm so drained. You guys like, oh my God, it was terrible, but I'm going to work. You know, I have to. I go to work. I would drive up park and I would start walking to the salon and I would see him staring at me, just standing in the window. And then I would walk in and think, I'm paranoid.
I need to get a grip, and then he would message me. I'm sorry for staring. I'm just glad to see you doing so well. Of course he found out where we lived. 'cause I didn't move far down the road. I, you know, it was the first place I found close to work. I just, that was where my community was at the time. Even my friends were like close by and I started getting messages like, uh, he's walking in front of your apartment. We can't get away from him.
We were separated mid-October 2020, and by January I had a full divorce. And at this point he's already got a young 20 something year old living with him. They're engaged. Uh uh, they got married in April, but during this time he is stalking. My youngest child, and I know people are like, get a restraining order, do this, do that. That's not how it works. When abusers show up in court, they're still more likely to win. Stephanie and her child weren't denied safety because they didn't need it.
They were denied because the system still doesn't know how to recognize coercive abuse for what it truly is. He said that it was easy to find me and so he started walking past the apartment all the time. Daylight night I was getting messages and then he started doing it after I would leave when Vaughn was there. Okay. So did he ever physically hurt you or abuse you?
He did not physically hit me or anything, but especially in some of the beginning of our relationship, there was, um, some pretty severe sexual abuse. Uh, it's a story that I actually am not going to go into. It's, um, gruesome. There was a lot of pain left from that, but at the time, I had not come from a world of, you know, knowing. What was okay and what was not. And after all the rapes, after all the, you know, everything, I, I didn't even know what consent was still.
And, uh, there were some pretty rough things that happened because of that. So here we are. I, you know, we can't get away from him. I get a divorce, uh, January of 2021. I was a fast actor in this boy. Like we were separated mid-October 2020, and by January I had a full divorce. And at this point, he's already got a young 20 something year old living with him. He was still going to do whatever he needed to do to break me, but it came down to October of 2021.
He finally stopped stalking my child. What made him stop? I think that is when he got the divorce from the wife he was married to at that time. And I don't know what stopped it. I had a village, but they were there and they scooped me up with open arms and I, oh, my friends, if you're listening to this, I will tell you I could not have done this without you. You are the most amazing people and I'm so, so thankful to have you and my life. I also wanna say my kiddo that went through this.
I'm one of the strongest people I'll ever know. Um, I love them so much and despite all the hard things we have gone through and the hard things that I put them through because of my relationships, they are loving, caring, empathetic, and just a solid human being, and I am so proud of them and how they've carried themselves. Through this situation, I developed PTSD.
When I would see his car, for instance, I would, I would run over curbs, and then I started having flashbacks from the relationship that I was in as a child bride. And so those two things were all of a sudden collaboratively blowing up in my mind at the beginning. January of 2021 was when? I realized I needed help so badly. I went to a therapist for the first time. She has I, I, I, there's no words. She's helped me beyond anything I could ever imagine.
First by just letting me know I had trauma because I was talking to her like these were normal things. And all of a sudden she stopped me and she's like, I want you to know the way you're talking about this is normal. This is not normal and this is not okay. And I just like sat back and I lost my shit 'cause I had never been told that in my entire life. And the safety of therapy, Stephanie began to unpack the stories she'd carried for decades.
Stories that told her she was broken, unworthy, and to blame. But healing often starts with one quiet truth. What happened to you was not your fault. It was good to hear, don't get me wrong, and I needed to hear that, but it's like my whole life didn't make sense. All of a sudden I did not connect with this trauma filled life in the way she was. Describing it to me. You know, I, I didn't think it was as bad as other people had it, so it wasn't trauma.
And so that first year of therapy, 2021, it was tough, but I am feeling better than I have in a long time. And so, man, we had a lot of work to do. This woman, she taught me, oh God, I was in therapy every week for a long time. What made you go find a therapist? Like what? Turn that light bulb on. Um, actually at the time we had a friend that was a therapist that recommended it, and I was so incredibly broken and I just thought something was ex extremely wrong to me.
'cause I, I wrong with me because that's what I had been told all my life, you know, pretty much by my mother. So I took that advice and finally got a therapist for the first time. And that was life changing. I have to tell you for the first time. I'm realizing in your story that the goddess is above. Wrap their arms around you and made sure that you landed in the arms of a good therapist because usually it takes a couple of different therapists and you outta the gates. Found one. I got lucky.
That sounds remarkable. I got, she was EMDR certified. There were so many tools that she had in her toolkit for me that made sense. And she was also gentle and she was loving and kind, and I needed that. I couldn't have somebody coming at me too hard. I was so fragile. She did an amazing job and I still see her today. EMDR stands for eye Movement, desensitization and reprocessing.
It's a form of trauma therapy that helps Stephanie begin to heal in ways she did not know was possible instead of reliving the pain. EMDR helps the brain safely revisit memories and release the grip they've had for so long. It's not about erasing the past, it's about finding freedom from it. And for so many survivors, that's where real healing begins. Therapy's never over. I feel like everybody needs one. Even if you don't need it, often still have one.
It's a true example of how valuable therapy is. And if you at all question any position you're in, in your life, make the phone call. Yeah. And if you're not comfortable with the first person you see, find another person that's right. Like this person. I got so lucky finding her right out of the gate. Um, so, so lucky. She was exactly what I needed and still is. And, um, I didn't have to go through the process of many, but I. I, I felt comfortable with her from day one.
Even in the position I was in, I felt safe self-love for the first time in my life, which was, I remember the first time my therapist told me I needed to be selfish. I literally started crying and I was like, I cannot do that. And she's like, it is not a negative thing. She's like, you have to take care of you. And so. That first year of therapy, 2021, it was tough. I went every week. I was going through EMDR. I was tired. I had also had carpal tunnel surgery on both hands during this process.
I mean, I was so drained, yet so energized. I think by possibility. I'm feeling like even sitting here with you right now. This whole weight is coming off my shoulders for you. Yes. Like I literally feel that happening, like, yeah, I'm so. So happy for you. And during this time, the little apartment that I was renting and my kiddo was living with me, we turned it into like this safe little haven. We would have candlelight dinners. We always had music.
Like it was somewhere where we could just, we could just. Embrace being safe and also embrace just resting, um, and just being chaos free. We begin telling Stephanie's story from her birth that took place deep in the heart of Texas. Her life has been marked by constant change, and as of 2021. Stephanie had lived in 25 homes, attended 10 schools, had lived in four states, had been married four times, and has two children. Each chapter brought its own set of challenges and traumas.
We listened to each episode learning about Stephanie's experiences as a preacher's kid, a foundation built on physical abuse, isolation, and instability, and as a result of this upbringing. She has spent most of her life living in survival mode. Then came January, 2021. The moment she was able to see that she could make the choice to choose courage over comfort, and made the brave decision to end her fourth marriage. As the divorce finalized, Stephanie made another life-changing choice.
She dove headfirst into intensive therapy. For more than two years, she showed up for herself consistently courageously rebuilding her life from the inside out. During that time, she was a self-employed stylist running her own business inside a shared salon. And was working towards the goal of opening a full service salon. She found love, real steady, good to the core, kind of love with a partner who sees her, supports her, and loves her fully. In March of 2023, that's when I met Stephanie.
She was vibrant, grounded, and clear about what she wanted, and was filled with excitement about the salon. She was preparing to open. Our friendship grew quickly. It was so cool that I could be in her life when she opened the doors to this first full service salon she was so proud of today. That salon is thriving. It's home to a team of three incredibly talented stylists. A smart, hilarious, full-time aesthetician and a wildly gifted nail artist who also happens to be her youngest child.
They're brilliant, funny, thoughtful, and someone I absolutely adore. The walls are bursting with color and art. Lush. Green plants are perfectly placed and there's always music playing. Everyone is welcome there. Stephanie has built a space that is judgment free. LGBTQ plus inclusive and filled with love. It's warm, it's safe, it's hers, and it's one of the happiest places. I have the gift to visit next on just one person, we finally hear the voicemail from Stephanie's dad.
The weight of the message he left would shape a moment Stephanie never saw coming. The hours she poured into healing, learning, and growing helped her rise and navigate this unexpected moment. This voicemail forces her to face head on a new reality that healing wasn't just possible, it was already underway. She has built a life that is hers. She built it on her own, and she was ready to face whatever came her way.
Listen to just one person on Spotify, apple Podcast or wherever you get your podcast. Visit just one person podcast.com. For more information. If you enjoy this podcast, please share it with a friend and follow us on Instagram at just One Person podcast. If you or someone you know is affected by abuse or is in need of support resources. Are available and we have listed them in the episode notes, or you can call the Child Help National Child Abuse Hotline. It's 1 804 a child available 24 7.
You can also text four dash Hope 2 7 4 1 dash 7 41. Just one person is produced by J one P Productions executive produced by me, Lisa Bloom, lead, producer, and store. Editor Carrie Caulfield Sound, designed by Alejandro Ramirez. A special thanks to voice actor Scott McKinley portraying Stephanie's dad, our heartfelt thank you to Stephanie's partner, Melissa Weaver, and my wife Julie Leski for being a part of the podcast team.
Also to Stephanie's three close friends, Krista, Anisa, and Becks for participating in this series. Music for this podcast is from Epidemic Sound and Sounds Stripe original music. Recorded and performed by our first season's guest, Stephanie Michelle. And the Michelle Michelle Band. I'm the preacher out. Uh.