Hey, y'all this episode was real heavy, so we broke it up into part one, part two, and here is part two. How does it affect me today? Um, I can go on and on, but I do have the diagnosis of PTSD and I think a lot of black people, we have suffered with PTSD, but. I'm triggered by arguments. My father was allowed person. I am loud. So if other people are loud and having fun, it's different than loud and aggressive. If you see somebody get loud and aggressive and I'm near them, I'm usually out.
Cause I think I'm going to get hit. If you raise your voice at me, I'll be like, ah, let's start ducking. Um, so that I still deal with that. You
know, that's why when we box, it makes so much sense. I just had the hands up render, like, you know, but that makes sense though
Joe is also our trainer. So when we first started boxing, I was like, I don't like boxing because I'm like, I think he's going to hit me
so much since now
I've been doing boxing too. And I feel like, um, it's the opposite
because I've just been, so I don't know. I don't know if I would feel different if I was like sparring with a woman,
I think it would be,
I was like,
but it may, it makes complete sense now. Like, and there was no, and it was a genuine fear. It was like a genuine type. I was like, I know
that's why I'll be like, don't fight. I jokingly always say, when people want to play fight, I'd be like, girl, don't let me get to the truck. I fight. Nobody got here as quickly now. True. I don't like, I don't like seeing people argue, I don't want you swinging on each other. If you want to fight your spouse, fight them at home. Um, it gives me heart palpitations.
I don't like anything when it comes to physical violence or a person being loud and aggressive, I usually will remove myself from the situation. Cause I know that I'm about to go ham. Um, also one of the, how it affects us today. Cause I think a lot of times when we think of people in abuse or domestic abuse, I don't hear the victim talking about how it affects them as an adult. So I'm glad we're kind of having this conversation, but a few things we touched on and I wrote down shame and guilt.
I have guilt, which cause anxiety. So people out there that is fighting and doing all this shit in front of your kids, what it does to them, it gives them some anxiety. And I didn't even know what that word was or what it, you know, that feeling I had in my body that caused me to tense up. They want to run away. I didn't know that that was anxiety. I'm second guessing myself constantly. When you have been manipulated you don't no longer trust yourself. So you tend to second it.
Yes. Um, feeling unwanted or unworthy of love. You know, when Jonathan first started pursuing me and he said he was coming here and you were telling me that I deserve this. And I was like, I deserve a man. Like this is before we felt realized he was a con artist. Yeah. But I remember you telling me like, Jenna, you, you deserve this type of person. I was like, I deserve this. So it really, really, really break you down. Um,
I don't think we had addressed my part on why I chose to cover up as much as I do.
people need, they need to hear that.
And I just want to put out, like, I was taught very young to be well with mine, to be more, very modest. And they just, they just because of what I had went through at a younger age of being sexually abused and also my mom having a lot of, a lot of men in the house and stuff like that, they've always tried to look at me as an adult, like a person of a just sexually they always did.
And where's the girl with the vagina exactly. Come on down, man. Exactly abusers, not me and abusers predators.
And so I put this my own concept, but the fact that it had to be because I was maybe I was showing too much and I was exposure. I was like, and so when I start covering up, I ain't get it. You know, and get those eyes. Cause I got this long dress down to my ankles. Ain't nobody looking at this big, this tenant way too big dress or whatever, maybe eight man. Ain't nobody figure is shown in this outfit at all. That would be said, I didn't get that, those reactions and stuff.
So I started to become more enclosed and covered up because this made me feel safe. This was okay. I didn't have to deal with freaks and crazy people that can not just enjoy women to be women. You know, it's like, um,
it's just all internal. She's internalized. All of them. You can't be,
you can't be innocent. I cannot just be a child and just enjoy life. I have to be now looked at like this, this purse section. Yes, yes. And that, and then, so when I started, because when he met me, I was covered from head to toe in college and I didn't care. I was like, I'm safe this way.
And we became friends and as I look ain't, I, ain't not happening here and I just cover it and that's, and it's just where I felt safe at as why it's like, you know, and, and I'm very blessed for, because it was just taken. And it was even at that as my family, we always were like, you wouldn't, they would take, took me out of track because we were wearing tight shorts. And they were saying, it's showing too much body.
And because I couldn't wear a skirt with tracks, it was literally look like she's showing her body and she's doing this, you know, she's exposing and like willing and we praise, dance a little bit about it, but not that much. Okay. It got to be injured. exactly. And it's like, you know B for God, but, but for track, no. And that was it.
What it's for God. Like he can't see you outside of church. Yes. GoDaddy, they putting all this on you again. I know they're
doing it for them. They keep doing it. And it was seriously like I was literally taken out and I was told like, oh, Shanna was my, my S my sister. She's go tell my parents, like Shauna was showing all her stuff. She wasn't even wearing the sweat pants. This is track practices is hot in Virginia. First of all. And I was trouble because I was running in Shipley tight that we are in now. Um, and it's like, what? Um, you're showing too much you're exposed.
So that the clothes that the women got on now, well, half clothes the day got on. Now. That was a huge, no, no, you didn't not show that you did not, that you are tempting. So basically why I thought that my predator. I attempted him. That's
that's poison like no other tempting
him to be this way, because I'm showing him like, uh, and skiing
this. But we got to talk about this. I know we over on time, we already know there's a lot of that ignorance. That's being shown to children now, especially little girls, I don't know about little boys, but that you can't have that on. You are attracting a certain type of person women. If you are having this conversation with your children, please stop. Because it is, it's like cancer. If a predator won't show a teenager, it don't matter.
What she have on the problem is the predator is not your baby girl. If she got on nipple covers and string cheese, it should not matter. His problem is the attraction to a child. I'm so tired of so many of my friends and peers saying this is how they grew up, that they take this guilt on because they feel like it's something they did to attract this grown ass man, when they was seven years old, There is nothing baby out there that you can have on. You can be fully covered.
Something is wrong with him, nothing to do with you. I hate that. And when I see it, I'm like, please stop telling kid these kids put on your shorts, two shorts. You now have the conversation of it's a time and a place for everything. And maybe, you know, your ass cheek been out. Those shorts is not the time or the place for that, but not that somebody coming to your home and you need to put on some clothes, you don't want no man looking at you.
What girl was told, this is where my slit, my slit was too low. My dresses down to my ankles, but my slippers up to mythos and oh, that you are, you're a you're provoking.
What are we provoking? A rapist girl, girl that was people still teach that they do.
They do. They do. And this is what I know. And that's what I love about it free. Like I was like, wow, you can just, your a girl, you do not care. Like I love it. So it's not, I'm not like down in there or like trying to say you're Howard, I'm literally just saying, wow, you're free. You know, you're not letting people,
they don't define me. There you go. There you go. There you
go.
Your freedom
also, you know, being in an abusive household, I overly criticize myself. You can't tell me nothing about myself that I don't already know. It also made me criticize others. It's one thing I had to learn, like quit me overly critical of other people and myself. There you go. I didn't one of those other things. I didn't know. They came, it's just a side effect of abuse. Right? You start to criticize something is wrong with me.
I'm doing something to cause them to want to hit me or say these things or manipulate
me the deflection. Like that's one thing that I knew that in my household was we never talked about our problems, what problems we had, but everybody else's issue. So when it came to bottom, I'm talking about like joke in your face, but it wasn't a thing of where we sat down and we dealt with the inner part. You know what I'm saying? So that was a, that's a street. That was a struggle for me to be like, sit down and okay. We'll pause.
Do I have, cause I don't even know how to think through that process. Any number thing to that? We, no problem, no problem. You know, for his
belt to emote problems before the problem, way more
things going on, you never really sat down and really talked about our emotions and our feelings.
I've been told that about food. Like, you know, you're out, these people starving, you better finish on us a little
bit happy one and 50 pounds. And when you finish your food on your plate,
that's like, it's so crazy. But you had said something about how it affects us later in life that sexual. I never knew how to have a really cause the person that was doing it to me was so close. I never knew how to have a relationship with a woman outside of sexual. Uh, so Ashana came to me. This is a, this is a huge reason why she,
a lot of men need to hear it. If we see
this, she changed. She changed my, my way of thinking in a sense where I didn't end, it just sent me now. Like she was the only person that I was a friend with that we didn't sleep together. You kind of get what I'm saying it. So time, like we talked, we did a bunch of this and that it's a relationship, relationship. Everything else is married. So, but I'd never even go like even going through my twenties and stuff like that. When I was doing all my crap, I didn't know that I didn't understand.
Well, Joe, you just don't know how to have a relationship with a woman because only thing, you know, you were hurt. You, you think you relate that closeness to sex because the person who was so close to me that was doing it to me. That's how we,
okay. That's how you guys showed us how it
was. Fuck it. Fuck. My big is alive. That's my thinking of you kind of get what I'm saying. And so I didn't know how to process that. I didn't know how to talk to anybody. I didn't know what was going on. You kind of get what I'm saying. So if I'm, if I'm with, you know, for a long time, It was a thing of like, yo, we're going to do something to not like, you know what I'm saying? That's how we showed interest. Go do something. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? And it would say, I like
you. Yeah, no, that's how we
like you. That's how I would do it. But with Shauna was like,
you love Tyra. Y'all
we talked about, we talked about everything and it w it was crazy, but like, just going through it now and talking about this stuff, I'm starting to realize a lot of the things that happened back then that I didn't even know, you know, what was, why it was going on. Yeah. You know, and I heard a lot of people, a lot of people, because I like that that situation changed my life when I was a kid. And I didn't know that it did, I didn't know what trajectory, it would take me off that.
It took me this way, you know, I didn't know how bad it was messing me up mentally, you know, and dealing with people.
That's why we're having this conversation because people are not talking about how it's affecting us now being almost 40 year old homeless, right? Yes. Within the next couple of years, we're almost 40. And what it has done to us,
my aunt told me she was like, girl. Yeah. You know, you gotta, you gotta take care of your husband. Cause she told him, she's like, Sean is not ready for no husband. Shawna don't know how to do this and do that. Cause I didn't cook. Y'all that? Wasn't my forte. Exactly and I did it, uh, but I did, you know, I kept cleaning and everything. She's like, Shauna, Shauna's not ready to do this. And I was like, you know what?
I guess I'm never going to get married because first of all, I'm not taking care of no man, just to do this. And I'm also, I told her, I said, I'm also not about to sit here and just be because I'm his, his doormat for sex, I guess I'm just going to have somebody that I may want, but I'm not having sex with anybody that I don't. Um, if I'm not connected with them, I will not be having sex, but after we connected, then I will. And she just like, this is beautiful. She praying for me,
prayer for you. I wonder what she would do to me. A
we got to get all that
demon out of her. Yeah. You know, earlier you were talking about I'll push the boundaries. That's me as an adult, as a child. I did not. It was a few things. I was willing to take my whooping on, but my sister was the one who said, fuck boundaries. She used to steal my daddy's weed. Hey, hold on. This is what she would say. I got stories. I ain't going to say which sister, but y'all know if you know me, you know, the one, the one that lived in the house with me, that's two years older than me.
Okay. The one I'm surprised they got a child. Cause I just didn't see. Okay. Shout out to my nephew. Well, Rob, for her money, when you go to numb, my daddy, they have like pre-rolled joints member, top paper. They don't know what to join. I will listen. Don't know what to join is I know the, the top paper. You could tell he would have like four or five in the little container. It was like the cookie container that was in the closet. Y'all know that blue one Christmas cookie out fire, fire.
I eat them too. So it was like he had his joints rolled for the week. My sister would take his joints. Like he not going to miss three joints. That's pushing me. Right. This is when I would be like, you're going to get in trouble. She would be like, what are you going to do? Ask for it. Oh, it would be kinda hard to ask your teenager, like, can I get my weed back? the livers. I must've would sneak out the house, woke out. No, she's linked the boys through the window. They would stay tonight.
Oh, that's brave. It was no room for me to fuck up. I was like also my sister, who was that person, pushing the boundaries all the time. What it allowed was for me to be meek. And when you are in our abuser, you tend to beat the person who doesn't respond the most. Oh, dang. That's true. So it would just be me breathing in existing and left my shoes at the door. Or I left my towel in the bathroom and it's not on the rack. So it was little things like that.
And I was just literally existing and I'm making everybody mad because. I'm just existing. So when I got out of that, um, my mom always said my mouth was smart. That was one of her things. Your mouth been smart Bama. So when I, um, as I got grown and I got on my own, this is what you get to see. It took me a while to get, get here, but I used to be afraid of, you know, judgment. That was a big one afraid of judgment. And I'm a complete opposite of now.
I'm like you judge and you judging shout out to you, but yeah. Um, as we wrap this up, can you tell me what would be your latest experience with abuse and what kind of abuse was it?
My latest experience was, um, the emotional abuse and, uh, psychologically, but it was more so getting ready to go to college. Cause I'm telling you that that was the last form of abuse for you. Yeah. Cause I was at the day, they know by doing nothing to me when I could get in a hold of what I can handle, then I think I may have became the abuser. Okay. Cause I definitely
wasn't doing that because the abuser,
you ain't got that belt boundaries, you going to be towed off. Okay. Just where I was at, but I was very hard. So, but it ha it was that for me, because I didn't know how to be vulnerable or verbalize my emotions. I just became very, uh, harsh, you know, I didn't allow room for people to abuse me after I'd already been abused for most of my life up to college. So I just felt like I had no control. So I had to go with what people did for me. You know what I'm saying?
By foster care, my surrounds and good living. I had to go with what they could do. You know why they had the control, why they had of the day. It was no more. I didn't need to hear your abuse or deal with your abuse.
Even though I still respectfully would go back to the house to hear family meetings about the emotional abuse, about what y'all, don't like, what I'm doing, and I'm not living here now, growing up as a grown up girl, I ain't paying no bills in nothing, but I'm going to hear about how upset y'all are about me leaving this house. I'm going to drive an hour to hear it though.
Cause I was always all in Lynchburg now and I'm a drive an hour, but they literally would make sure that she prevented me from going to a certain college, as opposed to I got a scholarship to Hagerstown, Maryland, and then let it happen because it wasn't close enough to the house. So I ended up in Liberty university. I still met my husband there y'all so I'm a happy I got something out of it.
But at the same time, like she would do all they can do to prevent me emotionally, just patronize downgrade and make me think that everything that I did was a default of my parents. So your mom used to be like that. You up here doing all this other stuff, that's what your mom. That's what they even call my debt. Like my husband is like, oh, that's, that was, that was Jessie motion was my dad. Oh, that's how it justice. He ain't going to hurt you. Just like, oh Jesse. So they was like
growing up emotionally,
just downgrading. And I always like, these are people that are supposed to have, you know, love, and you're just trying to prevent me from being happy. You're just trying to patronize everything that I got going on in life and diminishing anything that I'm preparing myself. So when I was getting ready to leave, I was like, yo bah, till the first time I tried to leave, they canceled every way to be able to let me leave that house. They made sure I could not go at all.
I had no way to even go back to college. If it wasn't for my grandmother who had passed, she had left me a bond, you know, back in the day they had those certificate bonds, my grandma, um, um, Powell, she left me a bond and that paid for me to, um, pay off, to get back to college. And then after that I set it up to where I was like, okay. You know, like get me again. So I'm going to go ahead and get me an apartment and stuff.
So I don't have to fall back in this because when I went back to the house, y'all didn't let me go. They like kidnapped right there, present me and then like would not and diminish so that I could still be a part of the church.
what's your latest experience with the form of abuse
last year? Manipulation. What 2009.
Financial abuse. Wow. What a
thousand dollars, because I didn't know how to say no. And the thing is I don't, I, it was a thing of like you were talking about earlier in my mind to give enough, I keep giving. God's going to give you back. Well, come on there. You know what I mean? There's gotta be a limit to that and there's gotta be tacked and smart to that. And then, you know, it was another thing of, I just didn't know how to express. No, like, you know, I like, I have maybe feelings here to goes again.
I have a feeling that something may be off something maybe, right? Wait, I, for all my life, I suppressed those feelings with optimism,
trusting
yourself. So I don't know how to trust. I didn't know how to trust myself. And this is stuff I'm still working on. So like last year, you know, I made a financial investment and knowing that I shouldn't have, and you know, it, she bit me in the ass. And so it's one of those things. It's like, man, Joe, like, you know what I'm saying for God to be like, all right, God, you need to pull me out of this guy. You need to do this.
And like you're saying in gospel title, like, you gotta grow the fuck up, Joe, like really like man up, you know what I'm saying? And it's a grow up and, you know, go with yourself, trust your, trust, your feelings. And so that's my biggest, that was my biggest one.
Right. What'd you got Pete master pass. There you go. There you
go. I was just thinking about when I went back to Virginia just recently. And, um, when I was there, like I told you guys, it was just to be present with my family and to see them and to be with them. And so, um, my sister, um, she is very busy. She has, uh, an amazing business and it keeps her pretty busy all the time. And the only time I would really get to actually see them all together would be to go to their church. So she has three kids and her husband goes to the church.
And so, um, I figured, well, I haven't been to church in a minute, but I'll go and so, um, as I'm getting ready that morning, um, apparently her husband decided kind of last minute to leave town, took the kids and nobody was at church. And I know that it may not, it's not like an abusive thing the way we've talked about it, but like that
just hurt.
And I, I thought, um, it was, it was to say something
intentional act, maybe it was an emotional, a move to a right to, he doesn't agree with your lifestyle. So he thinks that your lifestyle is going to rub off onto his children. So instead of you being able to see your niece and nephew, uh, two niece and nephews, nephews, he rather just take the kids out of the equation because. Your lifestyle and a rub on them. I get it, dude. That's not. Do we get it? I mean,
can I ask you a question? Like when you say get it, are you saying that you understand why he did what he did or you just, uh, accept and like, okay, that's just what he
did. It's
it's both. I mean, I accept
what he did, his reasons. I respect his reasons, why it's his decision and that's
what he wants to do. But in terms of what it communicates is hurtful.
That's all. I mean, I think we still giving him, right?
Yeah. That's what you're saying. Exactly. Yeah. It's something that does need to be addressed because at the end of the day, you're still there and that's never going to change. He's not gonna be able to change that is never going to be able to change. And, and I don't see why this
works. You or your sister,
would it be
where's the abuse lies because these are your sister's children too, so, oh, that's deep one. I don't know if we go on that far into this for me, for Jenna. Of course. I would say, um, the last abuse. Probably John NECON, but I have another one. I didn't even, you know, the manipulation dealing with a narcissist first time I ever used that word was right out. The Jonathan never used it.
Didn't think about manipulation as a form of abuse, but that is exactly what it is to, um, constantly lie and create things. Gas lighting is another form of abuse. I don't know if you're familiar with that term. It's pretty much like you see this bowl here. Okay. And I take it away and then I'll be like, well, where did you do with that bowl? I know it's there. People will today. Wow. A form of gaslighting is like, I know this happened. And you're like, no, Jenna, that's not what happened.
That bowl was not there. We dealt with it. Have y'all dealt with gas lighting. Yes. But I didn't
know it was called gas lighting.
Yeah. That's what that is. Oh man. When I know that this was here, like earlier, when you talk about use Mitch's at the, to your parents and they said, no, it did not happen. You are gas lighting me. Wow.
Yes. Okay. Thank you for the word. Because gas lighting, you need to know words because we did not know what it is. Is that as
a form? Yes. I know. I put my water bottle here. You took it and hit it. And now you're telling me I'm crazy
as, or that again,
to you and I hate now sliding. Okay. Yeah. So, um, also I have someone in my life who I call, um, well, uh, a person who breadcrumbs. Um, and I'll kind of explain that to you, which is a form of manipulation that checking in with me so that you can continue to be in my life when you feel like I am worthy. That is a form of manipulation. Uh, Jenna, how are you today? Don't hear from you for three or four days. How's everything been going two or three days.
They're giving you a breadcrumb so that they can come back, which is a form of manipulation there. They want to circle back and I'm like, I'm tired of you breadcrumb at me. And this relationship is not honoring who I am. That's growth. Wow. Yeah. That is a form of manipulation, but nobody wants to think about it. So if you're out there, bread, crumbing, somebody shame on you.
Okay. Can you get that? Cause everything I bred coming. A lot of people cause I don't reply to a lot. I gave me a, give me a better that same night she sent in
a sense of like, so say like, uh, our text, you, Hey, what's up? You know, I would, I would lead you on just enough to where if I were, if I wanted to come back in, you know, do something.
Yeah. You just be ignoring people. That's different. Ignoring is different. Ramen is just leaving enough surface shit there that you can continue with this relationship whenever you're ready to pick it up. And I'm not an option. I do the Piggott all right. Yeah. So don't pick me. I pick you. Yeah. So that's manipulation and uh, people don't really like to. Be accountable for the shit they do, especially when you put a word, wait, am I that person? Hell yeah.
You that person master manipulator with the good Dick anyway guys like, man. Well, anyway, y'all thank you. This has been another episode of just keep living. We know we went through some heavy stuff today. Um, shared this with somebody also reflect what you've been through. Um, there's a story. There is not for you to ignore and act like it doesn't exist. Um, it's still work to be done there and reach out to somebody. Therapy is very important. And therapy is not for just white people.
Okay. More people with serious issues. Um, we all got issues. A therapist, what a therapist allowed for me is to give me a different perspective. Cause sometime you have to see your behavior differently. And also a therapist will give you the words to those feelings you have. Um, so go get the help and you probably think you are dealing with it or, you know, life is great. You're you're successful, but I guarantee you, whatever happened to you at a very young age is continuing to affect you.
No matter how you. Put it in a little compartment act like it doesn't exist because it does and it will affect you. So Hey, reach one, reach out to him. You may know somebody that's been going through it. Um, and to be kind, let me say that being kind means a lot. We all have been through something and still going through things, you know, empathy and kindness will get us through. Um, and just don't be afraid of those demons. Really And we'll That one, we'll let people in.
We got a, I'm gonna segue you into it. We're going to talk about the young lady who won the spelling bee first African American to ever win a spelling bee. And, you know, usually the Indians dominate that, but a SIS showed up. She had a Louisiana and you know, the best part I I'm probably messing up her quote was that the spelling is an spell it as an honor. Like basketball is the entree. SIS is a basketball star. She is out here, people in and just everything of black girl magic.
I just love her personality. Yeah.
Yeah. But the best part that I liked about it, even if you read more of the article, it was talking about how she was just trying to bring hope to more African-American kids about you can do it. Like it, doesn't like, you know, you may not have the money. You may not have this situation, but still bringing light and hope to the fact that you can still do what you want to do and make what you want to make. She was very like, that's a girl would like knows what she wants.
And that's what we've been talking about. Like knowing what you want. And, speaking to that man we just talked about the abuse thing. I wonder what the household is do they foster those thoughts of, do you create creating for you knowing what you want? Because thinking about, when rest kids, it was hard. I couldn't think about the box, what I wanted or those dreams weren't Asper, you know, How do I want to say, uh, coached up at me, you know?
And so when I was reading this, that's what I thought about when we were talking about our topic today, man. I wonder what that household is like for her to be so confident. Oh yeah. The heart has hurt. She is very blunt. If you read the article articles very clear about what she says and what she wants and what she expects, you know, she's talking about how she expects to be in a spelling bee, how she expected to be there in a fund, all that stuff.
And so it's like, man, that's, those are the things like, I think
she's like three she's she three records. Yeah, she
has, man, what is this? She has, she'd been in a car commercial with, uh, Stephan Curry. Yep. She holds like three row records for dribbling dribbling. So she's like very definite about, you know, what she wants. And she said, like she said, it was like,
Ugh, that's awesome. I think that's a great segue on the topic
because of course and say CE mode and be who you want to be
when you don't know what you want. When all you're doing is apologizing. Cause you feel like you're making a mistake every two seconds, you don't get beat because of it. Like you don't have the space to do that. So
it doesn't build a safe place to fail. Oh, come on, Joe. That's what it is. So it's so good. And you know, for when failure comes all my used to end of the world,
Ooh, I should've put that on my side effects. Oh yeah. No, because that really do it. Doesn't have to be incredible to be overly critical for this. When I used to make mistakes, I used to fall out. You're like, this is me last year at work. I had to learn to let it go. But it was also anxiety driven.
Yes. But to all this time together, we're in that clear net space and perfection. Perfect. Yeah. I'm going to read it to her exact quote said basketball. You said I'm not just planning. I'm really trying to go somewhere with it. Basketball is what I do. They'll you said yes, exactly. And then it says spelling is really a side thing. I do. It's like the orders of basketballs. Like the main dish clear. No
she wants. And she's homeschooled. Yes. She's like a little genius. This is what happened with you speaking to your kids. You can see probably got some mentors to talk about that
last. And I think work on yourself too. Cause it seems like we have the ability. If we don't check it to abuse somebody else
we do. I told you I didn't turn it into an abuser. And I remember lots of my therapist were like, oh, SIS children. That's why all apology. These kids come home in two days. I can't wait to tell them. I'm sorry. Wow. And while we own, and I know we on a tangent real quick, what made me realize that. I've been giving my parents grace for a long time. I just realized they was fucked up. They was doing the best they could. But when I read Oprah's book, what happened to you?
I recommend that y'all go out there and get that book or listen to it. It's a dry and a little spots, but it got some really good insight in there. It almost felt like this shit is science. What my daddy was doing to me that came from his daddy, his granddaddy, that was, you know, his great granddaddy was a slave owner. Is this all they knew is control. Let me beat you into submission. I need you to submit to me, that's what it came down to. They didn't know.
Yes. Cause I'm not spared as bride so that you could know not to do it the next time, but I can enable you from even being created us to try to do it again.
It goes to being able to communicate and understand because like they don't understand the things that were taught to them. They just say, do it. You kind of go to the fan. And that to me, and to me, that's where I can't get around that. I don't understand it. So why am I doing it? You get what I'm saying?
So that's the thing, like when we were talking to our kids, like, you know, it's just one of those things, like try to make them understand you got, you gotta educate yourself enough to make your kid on the standard, but you also have to be enough in relation. We got, we got to have, be able to have a conversation looking to do that. You know what I'm saying? But now when we're having a conversation with parents or, you know, oh, you're. I'm the adult. You know what that means?
That means you don't understand what fuck you tell him.
That's right. That's how we took it. You don't understand,
you don't understand. You're
just telling me to know my grandma used to say this and I laugh because I say it now, whatever you trying to do already done. That's how we got to approach it. And that's how I approach it with my boys. Whatever you're trying to do on Nardi dated, baby, you might as well speak up and tell me what you're really trying to new so I can help you give you some insight and then, but knob. But my mom and daddy was like, I said no. And I mean, it you'd be like, why, why are you talking back?
I don't understand why I don't understand why I'm doing it. Oh my God. I asked people, Hey, now look at me why I got to press that button. Why I got to do it? Why if I don't want to stay on why I have to do it a certain way. I'm not doing quite as well as somebody else
and questioning because you become a boss. And then that person feels like, oh, well, you know, they're higher than me or their parents. I shouldn't question theory or what
they told me. Inferior complex. Yeah.
Now you just take shit like you don't take your shit all day. Surprise. Then I'm mad. I'm mad at
everybody else. Cause I can't vocalize how I really feel like shit. You know what I'm saying? Dumb ass, but then I'll know I'm pressing a button. Right?
It's so hard to see when, when you're living that out and to see those patterns. But I like what you're saying, like in the book, it, when I see it as science, I see it as separate from me. Does that make sense? I'm able
to look at it
and not put up a data sheet of all your shit you from here. This was your upbringing. Like it just put it all out in words and data,
like, and look at it like that. Just create the separation.
It helps me. And I think that's where the
right. So
it's a pattern. So when you say yeah, and you can be separate from it,
then it's not, you can say it's how you can digest it. That's the process that you could actually look and see, oh, that's what's going on. Internalize and think you exactly
make it your own assumptions and builders.
No, I'm delusional queen. I'm delusional and I'm a storyteller, honey. I'd be creating a whole bunch of shit inside my head. Be like, this is what they going to say. And they all said to me, and I'm a, and I got I'm ready to cuss you out at any moment. Y'all don't play on my face.
Right? Got the scenery set up.
I drag you by your ponytail and talk about your None of that. And guess what happens when you just have a conversation?
if we come up in our heads known or visible, they're
like used to being defensive. That's what
it is. That is it. You had to be, you have to be ready to defend,
like all the stuff you'd be doing in the shower, playing out shit in the shower. No, no, no. You got some arguments in your hair right now. What I was saying, tell him that his daddy ain't shit. My baby daddy. When we used to argue, I be like you come from, ain't nothing, nigga. Your granddaddy ain't shit. Your mama. I know. I'm glad we're in a good shout out to my baby daddy. We in a good space right now.
And if I decide to have another baby, I'm probably going to use his sperm, maybe daddy numbers low, but anyway, we'll see. Y'all keep living. Y'all have a good one.