why am I still trying to suppress these feelings and not deal with what I need to deal with? Why don't I know how to be vulnerable, While I have an emotional husband and trying to figure out what
in
the world you emotional. for Yeah We were not taught to emote it was nothing but suck it up, I done told my kids. Don't nobody care about you crying. I didn't even realize that I was turning into my father. until I went to the therapist last year and we would talk about stuff and yeah, she'd be like, well, that's abusive. I'll be like, no, not even abuse. Wait, you don't think that's abuse. I'll be like, no, that didn't happening. Your house. That didn't.
She was like, yeah, that's It is a bomb, I feel like I should do a tic-tac. welcome back y'all to another week of just keep living this week. It's gotta be probably a little deep conversation. We're going to talk about abuse, but anyway, this is Jenna. This is master P O. I'm gonna stick with that
one. This is Shauna.
Okay. I like master P can you be Shoshana? yeah. So we're going to kind of get into our experience with, abuse and what that kind of looks like. And what does it abuse mean to us now? What are those words? And it'll kind of make you ask, what is your personal experience with abuse and what does it look like? So of course there are several different types of abuse.
We know physical abuse, there's domestic violence or domestic abuse, sexual abuse, psychology, or emotional abuse, which I personally think is one of the most difficult way. Um, there's financial abuse. Shout out to my dad. And that was his favorite. Well, one of his favorite, um, we got self-neglect, some people don't think of that as a form of abuse, um, neglect, or, you know, we can keep going on and on.
Yeah. What's your thoughts when you think of, when I say the word abuse, what comes to you first?
I actually looked up the definition too, because I'm like, what is this? What is this actually define as? And it came up, it was like, when harm is done to another person intentionally. Yeah. Oh, wow. That's good.
I was like, wow. Okay. That gives intention to intentions. And what are those? Yeah. Yeah. What about you Shoshanna? When I say abuse, what is the first thing that come to mind for you? Okay.
Wasn't ready for this question. Just put that out
there. I like, I like doing that to you. It's the why she likes to write everything. It's okay to give me that first emotion or that feeling, man, no answer is a right answer or wrong answer. Okay. You
right. You right. And that's my problem. They're searching
for perfection.
There's no sexual, you know me. So here we go. Um, I just went to piggyback off of her and this thing is this an intentional harm?
Um, I always think about the victim first for some reason. And I think about deep hurt, like deep pain, just like, Ooh. Yeah. Like stuff that it's hard to get, get out of and get over. And so when I think of abuse, that's where my mind immediately runs to is the person that's hurting and that the feeling that they must be feeling or that the thoughts that they must have and how can you help this person live a better life? You know, that's my thoughts on abuse.
So that was so different, but that is true. I don't know when I think of abuse. Um, it's funny at this age, when I see somebody being abusive, I automatically think of who taught you that? Who hurts you? Like, why are you, why are you behaving like that? Like who did that to you? Cause people bleed on others. So I don't necessarily think of the victim first. I think of the abuser. And why are you abusing? Like damn somebody didn't give you a fair share.
They didn't give you a fair share, you know, step at life. Like they, they harm this part of you and they didn't realize it that's the part. They don't realize how it affects others and down. Yeah.
I get into that. I've also been told that it's called like codependency. Codependency
is a form of
abuse. Yeah. Cause those people are just like trying to cope with what they've been through and been harmed in their attacking or calling themselves to be safe rather than
okay. I would say codependency is not a form of abuse. It is a symptom. Yeah.
Yeah.
It's a symptom. Yeah. Yeah. That'd be that. Yeah. So what does codependency look like for people? Let's start with that question that wasn't on our list, but that's a good one.
Hmm. It
does kind of go first if you want. Yeah. Um, finding yourself in unhealthy relationships because you afraid to trust. That's true. That'd be kind of coping agency. You can have a codependent relationship with your employer. You're afraid to trust in yourself for believing you, so you stay, um,
you also do it with your children,
your children. I see that one. You have to be, you have to have that child or have control. Yes. What about you guys? You're not anything for
codependency, not giving people like the freedom to really be themselves because of your fear of what you've been through. Like, I see what you're saying. You're afraid because you've only lived through other people's perspectives. So you kinda are protecting your kids or you're protecting that person. Are you calling yourself for taking, like in your heart? You're literally doing this out of love. Like that's what it is. I know.
But at the same time, like you're just trying to control everything they do and they see control, control control, but you see love. I'm just loving it. Why they buck it up against me. I'm not trying to hurt them, but it's because you not knowing how to that go, not knowing how to allow them or being afraid because of what other people have experienced when they did that
or yourself. Right. I know that a lot with, uh, a few people that I know that were sexually abused as a child, and now they won't let their children go stay the night or they won't let their children go to camp, or they don't want their children to do certain activities because it brings them back. So definitely that's codependency part too. I was going
to say too, it's um, it's where you wouldn't feel that you can do something independently and it's this, uh, you know, reliance on something external, right. To do or be whatever it is. If it's unhealthy and I can not do anything, to progress in life, whatever it might look like if that requires another person, but it's unhealthy, yeah, I think that it's, it's a lack of independence
totally. Yeah. We see that sometime with people who hop from relationship to relationship, they got a co-dependency issue back to find the value in others, but it'd be by yourself.
Exactly. Yeah. Like that person needs you. Like that's also too, like they need me, they can't do this without me. You know, I need to be there. I need to be in present because they won't mess up or something will happen to them. Yeah. So it's like, and then shoe we've been codependent each other. It's like women enabling each other. And this whole relationship, I was like, man, you know, I'm not allowing you to do this and do what you got to do to become you.
And you ain't allowing me and you helping me. And I'm mad because you ain't helping me now because now you want to sit here and be independent. Like, wait, what is called Paula
Jo, what you think codependency look like, it's almost like you, you don't, you, you don't want to face your fears. So you need somebody to, to, to be that crutch. So you don't have to. And once that crutch has gone, like, you're like, oh shit, I don't want to sit here in this space. I need somebody here. So to take me away from that, from that space that needs to be dealt with for growth. So I need somebody like you were saying, being independent.
In my life, like being independent meant to, for me to have to face things that I went through, things that I needed to grow. And I used to use, Shawna's like, you know, I need you to do that shit. Cause like, I don't want to go there. I don't want to do that. You know what I mean? I don't want to grow. So, and she was so uncomfortable. That's what it comes down to. It's uncomfortable. It's very uncomfortable.
And I didn't know how, oh, that's a whole nother topic and I don't want to do it cause I'm not good at it. And I only want to do things that I'm good at. And then like, and then I think that's a learning lesson is the things I try to teach my kids now, like how to face things that may come up that makes you yeah. You know, and it's the thing that, you know, you're not alone in it.
And that's, I swear, I feel like a lot of my co-dependency things came from, because I felt alone in a lot of these areas that I thought weren't, I thought they weren't normal. You know what I mean? Because the way we grew up and then now it's like, now it's like, we're getting out and I'm experienced, I'm talking to them, reading other books and stuff, this shit people go through, talking about it. You know, that's the key, how we change up the narrative and start talking about these things.
And, um, that's how people grow and we got to get, got to get uncomfortable to get comfortable. So, we're gonna start with what is your first experience with abuse that you can remember? And the good thing about this is, or the unique thing is. Defining abuse because I didn't even realize what I was going through was abuse and probably about two and a half, two years ago. So who wants to go first? What was your first experience that you could remember being abuse and what kind abuse was it?
Um, mine was definitely physical and that was just as a kid getting whipped
and I never can never, yeah. Wait, hold on. This is me with my therapist. Wait, whooping is abuse. When does it become abuse? Thank you. You think all of it? I
think, I think, yeah, I think all, I don't think that there's any reason to physically put your hands on a child. I think there's other ways. I mean, this is, this is me talking from
this from today. You know what I'm saying? I didn't always without children. True. Very
true. I just know my experience and all I can say is just the feeling of that, that you're feeling, you know, Brandon you've been hit in the face or I think it depends too where you're hitting maybe in terms of physical
abuse, like girl, I got some stories
hit in the face
with an object. Ooh girl, I got beat with a cat. And
I remember because I've had conversations with people my age and, you know, as black people, like, oh yeah, girl, I got a whip. And it's like, we make fun of him laughing and all that kind of stuff. But if you, for me, when I really sat with that emotion, it was like, oh, like somebody's having a bad day, you know? Or, and it wasn't like, oh, every once in a while, I mean, this was like every day somebody in my house was getting wet.
And even as a sibling to see your other siblings getting with too.
Oh
no, I used to cry. My sister never cried for me.
I would say, go for him, my brothers. And I'm like, nah, I'll just take it. Oh, wow. Because Beaton's became just like a no brainer.
It was like art right
through it. Like
the mental place you had to go to just to prepare yourself, knowing that yep. I'm probably going to get ready for this, like yeah. And just where that puts you. So that, that was my first, um, I think experience yours
as weapons,
if, you know, from dating back, it's like, yeah. You know, that first time you get whipped by your parents. Like, whoa, I hate it when my dad was
with us.
Knew it cause you know,
the whole conversation, can you make these shorter
but I think it was bad, you know, when you go to school and you got like marks, that kind of thing, it's like, oh, what's on your arm. Is that? I'm like, oh,
I got so many stories. So what you're talking about,
they be like, um, you all saying that it wasn't his house?
What goes on in his house and his house? Oh my God. Oh man. And what that allows y'all that's a podcast coming soon. That whole, what goes on in our house stays in our house, you know, be in my brother's secret keeper and I am not, but that is a good one. What'd you guys show shot? So
my first experience and I sat back and thought, um, it was a sexual sexual abuse. I was, um, I was sexually abused in sixth grade, sixth grade shoot. I was six years old. Yeah. And I was in first grade, so, and it affected my marriage. It affected my relationship with people and my boys and, um, and it started to become like really. Just something that I had to deal with, you know? Um, it wasn't something that I knew, but, uh, I told my mom and it was hard. That was, that was my experience.
And, you know, cause I was a very outgoing person I spoke and it was like, you know, if I really think about it, that's that's it. And it was a, it was something I just had to deal with. And I didn't, I didn't realize that I was even affected by it. Cause I'm a person that moves on, you know, and you know, you go to counseling, you get taught and they're like, you know, what happened to you? We went to court and everything, you know, when I spoke to my mom about it, my mom blacked out.
So she kinda like couldn't take what had happened to me. So she, we ended up back in foster care due to that because she just couldn't deal with it. But, um, it was, it was a lot, it was a lot. I kinda just like, I think it like really took a, like a certain part of me that I couldn't express or couldn't know. I just felt like still was my fault. And even as a six year old, I felt like I should've did more to a grown man.
So what happened to this person that abused you? He did end
up, I think he got like five years because there's like, well, she'll eventually be active. That's the way they played it off. Like she'll eventually be active. So we're only gonna give him five years and, and
he
got five years for molesting you where there other
victims? I don't know. I just know that I had to, I remember speaking in court about what happened and the only reason why I sent into, cause I went to my mom and say, yo, some is like, it was irritating. And I told him, I was like, my mom is automatically off the bat. What happened to you? Somebody touched you. Who touched you? And I told her it was her boyfriend, but her boyfriend was already abusive. He was physically abusive to her.
Remember any nights I had to run to my uncles and stuff in Philly to get them to get her. But it's like, I didn't, I didn't know who to like really talk to it. Many times I wanted to talk to my uncle. That's really, really close to me, but I just, I was like, you know, what is everybody gonna think of me? I'm the I'm literally was known as the Tom tomboy. I was the only girl pretty much, you know? So it's like, and my mom was used to it too, because that's when my mom like all uncles and stuff.
So it was what we knew. But, uh, I don't know, like it affected me in a way to where I just trusted nobody. Cause I felt like nobody was there for me, you know? No, I always had to be the adult for everybody. I always had to take care of everybody. So when it came to that, it just. All I knew was like, look, suck it up, do what you gotta do and get by, get by and stay strong and have this COPUS. But at the same time, like we stayed before, like it made me very protective of my boys.
It made me my Mathias out there literally had on one hand, how many people Mathias was ever allowed to go with, because I made sure that it would not happen to him. And I was like, I don't care if he wasn't going with family. Nope. Nobody. I don't trust nobody to be with my baby because I'm gonna be there for him. So, yeah. And you know, it wasn't even to a park. I probably was like protecting them where you were from my husband.
So it wasn't my pride and joy, but it was like, I didn't know, because I looked at men. That was another thing. I looked at men as though they were just selfish creatures that only thought about one day and wanted only themselves. And that was it. That was it. They didn't care about nothing else. I was just like, men are just like so selfish. Like they don't care. And that was it.
That's a lot. Um, thank you. Thank you for sharing that. I mean, here on just keep living, you know, it is a glass house and you can be vulnerable and open and transparent. That's what is expected, but y'all probably, don't get a lot of tears out of me today. So, uh, Joe, tell me about your first experience, um, that you can remember with abuse and what kind of abuse was, uh, I mind was sexual abuse.
I was maybe six or seven and I'm not gonna say who the person was, but they were, are really close and, um, they would just do stuff to me as a kid, you know? I haven't really dealt with it. I haven't sat down and really dealt, dealt with that issue.
You know, if somebody that, you know, I, I, I love to this day and the way I look at it is, you know, it stuff happened to them and they didn't know what they were doing and, you know, so they would just do it to me, you know, you know, night after night. So just didn't know what was going on at that time. And like, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't know what to, who to tell who, you know, what to say, you know, what things to, I didn't know how to process it at that time.
I didn't know what was going on. And so, um, I think Shawna was the first person that knew about it. Um, I felt like I, I, I could have sworn, I told my parents, they said they didn't know, but I mean, you know, and she, bro, she, I think she told my parents okay game, you know, I, I, and, and I could have sworn I, I mentioned it to them and I felt, you know, I, I don't know. I think, I think I, a lot of resentment came from that.
And so in your heart, do you think you, you know, that you tell them yeah. And then now, okay. So that's something totally different. Yeah. And so, and I'm always the person that's like, you know, well, you know, I put myself in the city, well, it felt, you know, if there's a sun, like how would it, how would I deal with that? Where they just, you know, I don't, I don't know, brush it under the rug.
You're like, you know, not saying anything, not want to deal with those emotions, those types of things. And you know, and I'm always, and, and I, and that's something that I have to get over is like, I don't, I never put myself how I feel first. And so I have a lot of things in me that I don't even know sometimes who the real me is because I'd never expressed who I really was. You know what I mean? I've never been able to, I've never put myself first.
So when this situation happened, it was always, and I've never even confronted the person about it, you know, and it's very close person and I've never. Talk to them, you know, I've never said anything. Um Hmm. And, you know, I don't even know how to bring it up or how to, how to deal with it. And so it's, it's heavy. I think it effected my marriage, especially expect it affect, it affected a lot of things that I did with women that came down the line.
Um, it's an emotional roller, you know, rollercoaster to do, to deal with sometimes, um, and sit down and think about, but, uh, I know I need help with it. I know, I know. I need to talk about it. You know, men don't, you know, it's hard to say, man, you been molested or raped are going to happen. The numbers, the data is high for me and there's, nobody's talking to me.
No, buddy, definitely hush has more. Hmm.
Oh man. Got me snotty nose though. Yeah.
Well finding these words, I'm telling you, it wasn't until I started going to counseling therapy, the therapy to actually even see that it wasn't my fault
baby, as I ended up in therapy, but I don't, I don't know. Um, I would tell you that I've experienced every type of abuse except sexual abuse. So when I hear that, um, um, that just really touches my heart here. I am getting teary-eyed again. Uh, I'm gonna breathe through it, right? Because abuse
destroys you.
That's what my heart hurts, so,
okay.
So y'all know I'm a cry baby. I'm tough as shit, but I'm a crybaby, I'm a, I'm a beat south, but I'm a cry about it a little bit. Let me tell you the vulnerability is my superpower come through real quick. Um, I don't even think I have a first memory because it was what I would call normal. Yeah. So as you were talking, you guys were talking, I wrote down, did you think the abuse you experience was normal and at what age did you figure out that it wasn't normal or did you know right away?
It wasn't normal because when I think of like my first memory in my, my coworker told me usually a person's first memory is some type of abuse. And that was like interesting. The first memory I have is that we lived deep in the sticks and my daddy cows had got out. I had to be three or four. And when you three or four, you are, my daddy, cows had got out. And I think it was like 75 acres that was on the side of this little house.
And it was like everybody getting the form truck and we're going to go get the cows and put them back in the fence. And I was crying that I didn't want to go. It was because the cat, I could see the cow out on the side of the house. And I was like, I don't want that because it's a fucking, and I'm three. How is this is Do you know? Since I was crying, he left me. Oh, my sister got in the truck. My mama got in the truck. He left my ass on the porch. I remember it like yesterday.
And when you that little, you don't, you think when people aren't around that you are left, like someone's going to steal you. Cause that's what we've always been taught. You stay right here. You don't get kidnapped. You go to, somebody's gonna steal you. So all I can think is that my family wasn't coming back, but yes, yes. That's my first memory. I have 3, 3, 4 had to be. Wow. Yeah. So what my dad did, he abused in every way? Financial, physical, um, no sexual abuse, but damn.
I remember going to school with a black guy, fourth grade and he was a pillar of the community. So no one ever questioned it. Everybody loved my dad. Be my momma asked me my sister ass. I get my ass beat for leaving my shoes at the front door. Everything had a place. And now when you come into my house, what you do? You take your shoes off at the door. Wow. Yeah. I'm like, oh no, no, we ain't put shit in the closet. No, no. It's just one of those things.
Like I just leave my shoes where I want my shoes to be, because everything in his house was tidy. Everything had a place. If it was out of place, it's a problem. You know, at a young age, I learned to read the room, you know, now we say that's a gift, but now it's really not. Yeah. Now I'm checking, I'm testing the water to see what the temperament is. Oh, did he drink today? Cause he was a violent drunk and he, he, but his normal day-to-day personality was abusive. So manipulation.
That was my daddy. He could get you together with words. He getting your face hair, but you, you never knew what you was getting with his ass from day to day. And everybody else that knew my father outside the home would never guess that talking about a monster.
Well,
see that, that, that that's the hardest, that's the hardest thing. And I think it was hard. Like what you're saying, like everybody outside the place thought everything was copacetic inside of the house. You know what I'm saying? But inside the houses, like there, wasn't a place where you talked about even any issues. And I know like talking about this, this is bringing up so much stuff. Like it's hard for me to talk about issues.
Cause I like you was saying you was talking your, your fucking problem. Well, nobody to talk to going inside the house. And so you suck it up. And so it's like, so now as a grown man, when I'm sitting here and I'm trying to figure out these emotions, I would just suppress them. Cause I didn't want to do it because I'd had anybody to talk to. So I'm going to sit here and pain and agony and I have nobody to talk to about it.
You know, that's going to understand you kind of get what I'm saying or it's automatically going what got going to fix it? What the fuck, man, like God, like for real. And so I think my coping mechanism with all that pain was to find something fun. Like tick to doll, the pain, you kind of get what I'm saying, find something fun to doll the pain. And so I became so optimistic about everything in life that I, cause I didn't want to deal with the pain.
I don't want to do it, the pain, not dealing with it, but I just became, so I look, everything's gotta be, there's gotta be a silver and it's gotta be, there's gotta be something there's gotta be something better, better, better. And I would that, no, that is really good. And that explains a lot of shit. That's why I'm funny.
That's why I love humor.
My
dad. He. You know, put on a lot of funny movies for us. That was,
that was my
escape humor.
It was, I had to find some ha ask her, like, I can't miss seriousness because it brings up. Yeah. Um, I don't have it. So literally, like, I would find like sports was my outlet man. Like, because I would be around friends, I could take my anger out. I could really like hurt somebody. Then we could be friends. We could, we could laugh. We could do all that type of stuff. So if you know me, like I'm not confrontational at all.
Like, you know, because I don't know how to be confrontational because even if I brought something up in the household, it was so nice negative. It wasn't going to be, but my heart has minimized that. Yeah. If you know my heart, you normally, I'm a nice guy. I don't even like, you know what I mean? So I didn't understand what I'm saying from a, a place of, of love and hurt and things like that. Why is it, why am I receiving this back?
And I didn't understand that at a young age, because I'm giving you purity for me. Yeah. I'm just asking for that love and genuine back for sponsors. So when you don't get that back to me as a kid, I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to deal with that, man, because that hurts. And to me, I'm a very emotional person. Like I love my mom dearly and I think, you know, my mom used to get frustrated. She had a lot, man. My mom's the greatest mom ever. Yo the greatest mom ever like ever.
And I think one time I was, I just had made a friend. And she was like, Joe decile, dumb, like, you know, and I'll never forget. And I just broke down crying and I was so hurt. Like my mom would call me Joe, that was so dumb. You kind of get what I'm saying. And that's how like, most kids would be like, okay, whatever. But that's how sensitive I, I was an am as a person is. So in order to not deal with those issues, I gotta be optimistic. I gotta find the next good feeling.
I got to find the next good thing. That's going to keep me going because those feelings hurt. Hmm
Hmm. Wow.
I realized that like, oh, here I go. Our parents didn't know they did not date. They don't, they have no clue.
He did the best, you know, they deal with. I just feel like this generation is being so much more open by us choosing to be, to find the words,
having the conversation. That's
right. To have the conversation to actually, you know, looking here, we were going to talk this out. You have some therapy, you have some intervention was like, do you want me to see that on TV with white people? Like what's the intervention
intervention is when you move out. taught me all that back
then. I didn't realize that I still got in me. I do
have it in me, baby,
man. I'm still true. When I thought I said I got out in this house, y'all ain't keeping me no more dues since I got my own spot
shoot. I was
like, why am I, so he boasts, why am I, so this is why am I still trying to suppress these feelings and not deal with what I need to deal with? Why don't I know how to be vulnerable, While I have an emotional husband and trying to figure out what
in
the world you emotional. for Yeah. We were not taught to emote it was nothing but suck it up, girl. And You know, I talked about this before, we were recording. one of the things I had to work through in therapy is that I still dismiss my feelings. It was never that safe space in my house. to be like I feel my parents would've been like been like, You feel what You don't pay no goddamn bills around here. The only person that can feel something is a bill payer.
I shared this with my therapist and she was shook. the crazy part is, cause I have said it to my kids My therapist had to break it down, like how it's not cool. My daddy would always say the world doesn't revolve around you, which is a true statement. But what it did was dismiss, whatever I was going through. So my mom was always like, oh, you're going through this, but somebody has cancer or somebody's house burned down or somebody Yes Okay.
But now I know when I hear people dismiss and I'm always like, well, yeah, other things are going on in people lives. It could be worse, but let's talk about what you're going through Because right now, what you're going through is the emergency. It is the cancer. It is the house burning down. It is the losing the job. Your feelings mean something, but I had to pay good money to get to this conversation. I done told my kids. Don't nobody care about you crying.
I didn't even realize that I was turning into my father. until I went to the therapist last year and we would talk about stuff and yeah, she'd be like, well, that's abusive. I'll be like, no, not even abuse. Wait, you don't think that's abuse. I'll be like, no, that didn't happening. Your house. That didn't. She was like, yeah, that's abuse. That's why I say I own my boys in apology because I didn't know that I'm doing the same to some of the same things my daddy was doing.
I'm not over here, slapping people punching them, but I've done plenty of weapons. And when it gets out of control is when it turns into what I would call abuse. But truly a whooping is abuse in a way, honestly, what partial is saying, but I had to wrap my brain around it, just go into therapy. But the stuff she was asking me to work through, I'm like, wait, I'm doing this stuff. Right. So she called my daddy out on this stuff. He did that. I'm now doing to my kids and I didn't even know it.
So that's why I'm like, I didn't even know that it was the abuse with the John NECON thing. I remember talking to my aunt and she was like, well, you didn't grow up in the safest area. I mean, the safest atmosphere, your daddy was the first person to break your trust. And I was like, what? Sure. So I was 36 having that conversation. I was like, wait, daddy broke my trust. And she like, yeah, why you haven't put one in together? I didn't even know because it was the norm.
It was, I didn't know that it's not normal for me to feel this way. And then when I talked to other people, my peers, they grew up the same. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. You know, the only thing, and I would explain to my therapist, the only thing that was different between my peers and I is that I come from a middle-class family. Yeah. They were living with grandma. You know, the crack came through the eighties, early nineties. There was a lot of people living with grandparents or other people.
And I, I had a two parent home. They had a little bit of change in their pockets and what my dad was, what he did with his money was financial abuse. I was trying to go to college. Didn't have money. My daddy wouldn't give me money, but he would give out scholarships to the community where the valedictorian
come on, say you got it, but you just choosing not to, because some reason
he wanted us to struggle. What is the struggle? Love? So manipulation is a big of abuse. Yeah. It, it still shows up. To this day, my mom
physically did the abuse. You're out. She like fought me like a woman. Like she said, forget the belt. I'm tired of your mouth Shanna. Cause I wasn't running my mouth at school and I got sharp, which is like, I'm tired of your mouth shut. I forget the belt. I'm a fighter I could grow and put your dudes up, girl. I'm in the cookie can take position like, and y'all show now my mom is like pounding on me. Like punching me, like beating me down. Like you like serious.
But I only got smart with the teacher, but I had my reason just wanna put it out there, but she's like, you ain't going to be disrespectful. You're not going to be doing this, but you want to be a grown woman. I'm a teacher. I am in first grade. Y'all I ain't think about being a grown woman. I really ain't. But she said, you think you're going to be a grown woman. I'm going to show you how to be a grown woman. We bought the fight like a woman. And I was
like, the amount of hurt your momma was going through.
She had some happen to her stories several of times. Yeah.
The hardest part about it too is like, uh, at least what was told to us, it was very confusing. It was like, if you cry, oh yeah, shut up Frank, give me something. That's like, Hey, this is bullshit. I'm not gonna cry, not gonna cry. And then it's like, oh, that ain't hurting me. That ain't give it to you.
You need more. I was like, and I think, I think, I think weapons are a form of like, just because from my perspective, it shut me down from being the person I want to cause for example, like, you know, I was scared to be me fully because I was scared that was going to disappoint. Well, not disappoint, get something or do something that my parents wouldn't like. So I became very yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. I saw assist to get ass beat. Yes, yes.
Yes. I became a yes, man to the system to please everybody so that I didn't get any of that backlash that I didn't like feeling, I'm yearning to get out and to be this and to do that. But I'm scared because I don't know how to deal with the pain and the hurt that comes along with it because of my parents not know, they didn't know, you know, but they didn't know. So I would sit down and I'll, I'll cower away. I really would. I saw the manipulation. I saw the, all that stuff.
It was the brains stuff, man. It's just, it's like, it's so bad and you see it. And it's like, man. And at some point I just felt like I just came into a little ball. Yes, yes, sir. I became a yes. Ma'am
in my light completely.
So you see it over on you and you just. Don't have the, you have the word, but you don't even want the confrontation behind it. So you're going to literally let them get over on you because you don't want to hurt nobody's feelings, or you just wanna just like, yes. Ma'am to this person and taking all your money and you sit
there, like y'all, y'all talk about confrontation has been an issue with you. What it calls for me was to be defensive. I'm not afraid of a confrontation, but I had to learn to learn, learn to like grow. Right. Everybody just after you calm that defensiveness day out, like you talk it, you know, Buku shit right here on the side of my neck. And they looked at me like, wait, what? Oh, you don't like the way I responded.
Yeah. Cause you naturally defensive because you are used to someone literally physically attacking you. So that's reading the room like, oh, you, he coming over here next, but when you saying, you know, you will watch your siblings get a whooping. Yeah. I remember, you know, my mom wasn't a big whooper shit. She was trying to survive too. Looking back. She was just trying to survive. She did whip us plenty enough, but not like, not like my daddy. Uh, my mom was more of that.
Go pick a switch that, that tight
window get the right one,
one time she told him, I told me, go get, go get the belt. I went up there, got a nit belt
belt. And they would say, they're like, you don't want none of this. Like you see what's going on with your sister. I'll be like, yeah.
But you see, like y'all saw, y'all saw the abuse so you could see the physical part of standing. I didn't see him. When I look at it, I didn't see any abuse of physical standing up. It was all mind games. And especially with my mind brains, with the word, with the Bible, with this, you know what I'm saying? And so, and, and I'll be a for real soul at that point, you begin to, you begin to form some, you're not, you can't, I can't grow into new.
I'm trying to break this mold of getting who I really am because I've been under so much, like the word, this, this, that you don't do this. You go here because this is that well, who am I? I have feelings that I want to express, but I feel like being, being manipulated, fucks your mind up. It is. So when you're trying to express what you feel, then this thing of like what they did, you're going to hell, did this going to happen? Not God did this. God did it.
You know, now it's like, fuck, man, what do I do? So it's hard. That's why I tell people like you, you know, get to yourself, like trying to, that's why I'm so positive. Like people trying to bring up your meat. If you're in my class, I'm like, you can do it. You can do this, you can do it because I got like I'm to the point is so much inside of me that wants to break out and wants to find who I am. You know, I'm what, 30, 38, you know now. And it's just like, damn or 37. I don't know.
Like, I feel like I don't real me. And that's why I'm pushing so hard. There's so much stuff in me that like, I feel like. I don't know why I need to prove, but I just feel like it's it's in me, but it's been so dumbed down, man. I don't know how to break it out. I really don't because my mind so many times is like, it's been beat down the repetitive, repetitive, repetitive, manipulated, manipulated, maneuver to where it's like, like to me, that's not living.
And that's why I said, I want to create a world for free, like for my, for my kids, for every, you know, don't want people to break out of that. That Christian, not Christian, but that just that religious bond, man. It's like
manipulation had been manipulated in the name of Jesus. I don't know what to us, how it affects
GoDaddy.
GoDaddy. Let me, can we talk for a little bit? I know we gonna run over on this one, but this is such a good topic. Tell me about the first thing that come to your mind, where you were manipulated in the name of Scott daddy. Oh, no, we don't even know where to start.
I think I got a list because that was my latest
experience with don't get to that. We don't get to that. So hold off. At least you got a good story for It's so many, like I'm going to tell you all my, you, you still thinking Joe mine. Oh, the one he loved Ana Ana, that mother and our father. Oh, wow. Ooh, literally choke, choke you out and end Andy with Ana daddy. I used to be like, God, this is what you were approving. Like I, is this okay? God, is this what we doing? I'm
still stuck on spare. The rod, spoil the child. I want somebody to break that down to me. Cause I was talking about what Rob, when he talked about God, because they are going above and beyond that is getting sticks and stitch chords and stuff. What was it this way or this way? Right? That's the one that's
seriously. My daddy would move. He would do. He would have these verses. He would just give you the Bible nonstop after he did some most disrespectful shit to you. He going to get you a Bible verse. Yes,
biggest manipulation I would say is around giving and tithing and money.
Oh,
come on. So stuff that, that that's real. That's real. Have
you given you a list? I can't wait until we get Yes. When
you gave your last and I feel bad because you didn't
have enough to give you just never feel good enough to get over. I never felt good.
And then on top of that, there's, you know, this, uh, this concept of, you know, if you don't give, God's gonna put holes in your pocket.
Oh,
get ready. Like, have you ready for an unexpected bill? Get ready for an unexpected?
Like you made it to the next Sunday. You made it to the next Sunday. you'd be like, I must've done something. Right guys,
just around the relationship with money and what you're it's that's really tough for me. It is. That's really,
to this day,
to some extent, just, just in the relationship. Yeah. And thinking that you're always making a mistake. That's
not right. And see that that's where we come from. It's an anxiety. It is. I'm always feeling like that's where the stress comes from. I feel like I'm not good enough. I feel like I'm never going to make God proud. I'm not going to make it. I think
we kind of segue into the, like the next part, how well there's good. Y'all are right on time. Cause how does the abuse affect you today? So partial, she tapped into that, like to this day you have the guilt of spending money and when it comes down to money and then Joe, you were saying, I just
feel, I'm not good enough. The project that I'm doing, the thing that I'm doing, am I giving enough? I'm not saying yes enough. I'm not, you know, God is not good enough. No, I'm not. I'm I'm not enough. And we were talking about the dissident, like the Bible, my parents were, there's nothing outside of the Bible. That's it? The word, the word is it. So that's why I like being around people who push boundaries.
That's why I love you, Jenna, because you push the boundaries and you make me think, you kind of give him a hand. Like my parents were like, well, you don't think you don't think no, you can't. So it, the Bible, the Bible, the Bible, the Bible, the Bible. And that manipulate that to the point to where it's like, I can't, I don't, I don't know. How do I know. So if I like you pushed the boundaries, you know, you push the boundaries so you can grow, you know what I'm saying?
You can experience, you can do new things. I never pushed the boundaries.
I took my ass whooping. I'll see
what you got. You got to experience, you got to grow, you got to see. I never did. And so now I had to find ways to push the boundaries now, and trying to grow and try to, in some of those things where like dumb, you know, growing up. But it was a thing. It hurt me in today's age because I didn't know safely how to do those things. You know, I've never experienced it as a kid. You know, they tell you as kids. And that's what I tell my boys. You need to learn how to make decisions today.
I'm gonna give you enough rope to just to barely hang yourself so I can save you. But I never got the experience to grow. I'd never knew how to grow and to be a man and to, and to be an entrepreneur and to think outside the box, I have all these thoughts in my mind, but I'll always suppress them. You know why? Because it's not a God, it's not a word. It's not this. I'm going to hell, it's going to this and I'm doing this. And now I'm thinking like, well, what the fuck am I supposed to do?
Cause I'll get it right here. I can't get it right. Nothing I'd do. But what I'm doing, what you doing, I'm fucking unhappy. I'm the most miserable person in the world. So like,
damn I'm depressed.
But I think that generation, um, that raised us, didn't talk about that. No, no,
it wasn't a word.
Heavy is something that is a fairytale movie. Now, you know us, we like shit I woke up two days. We depressed. No baby, you pour right now that ain't depression, this generation, we like, uh,
because I, I definitely dealt with it in a way because having my mom who raised me to about seventh grade and then having my, I know uncle who tried that patronizing and all that. So, you know, they tried it, you know, but I wasn't for it. Cause I can't forget that, you know, and as I started to have more of my own, you know, I just start just like creating. I don't know if I created setting boundaries. Cause at that I was blocking off people.
I'm like, yo, if you ain't for BI for you, like cut you. I don't need you. I'd never needed you in the first place out. My aunt can never understand how I was like, cause I don't need you. I don't need you to fix my problems. Um, you can do your kids. I'm done. And I just, it became very harsh. I felt in a way really bad because I felt like I kept cutting her off. I didn't give her a chance to come close as that. I, I just did it and I disliked. I probably could like allow certain people.
I became very like shut off to people.
That's what I was thinking. I was like, so a part of your abuse now is that you shut out, people shut out. Coach didn't deal with how you coped.
I coped with it. I didn't like, and then I must say. If I be rolling out connected into the church, like, oh, you live in that whole life. You like, you ain't this. And I, so I was like, yo, I can't be around those people. I can't be. So I probably wouldn't have been. Right.
Exactly. But I mean, if you were using your vagina and it's not with your husband, Shoshana thought she was a ho that's, what's so fun that way. Now women, how dare you use your vagina, you an orgasm, or say way out of your head spin. If you don't have a husband, you will hope.
Yes. That's how it works. That's how it was. And that's what I know,
but I'm a big ass hole.
you know, I love her openness and because I love over people, but I be like, yo, we got it. Just give her
gender out there. She used her body for her pleasure. What's
almost do is it's kinda like, uh, for somebody who has not expressed themselves in that way, I wish
I could be that free. Yeah. I wish you guys would kind of talk about that because that's both, that's two things I've heard both of Parcell and Shauna talk about is that shiny. It loves to hide her body or she got a bang and body. Um, but she hides it and we had a conversation wine and I understood it cause I'm like, gosh, and then wait, wait, partial. I know experiencing things sexually kind of brought shame for you. So if can, y'all kind of touch on that.
Cause y'all, aren't the only people in the world with these feelings, you got to make it normal. We got to normalize think too.
I mean, when we think about just what you heard in the church and growing up, I mean the man that I'm married and I was married to for seven years was the only man I'd ever been with,
which is mad. Crazy. No, it's not crazy. Let me say that. It's a good experience. I think that is wonderful. I think it's wonderful if you find that person that you've only been with, I don't think it's a bad thing, but when you first told me that I used to want to wish Dick on you. And it was because I thought he was my husband. Hold on, let me say this. I thought he was a piece of shit. And I just knew that it was more to life than what you were receiving. So you just want
her to have a good experience, a good perspective. You was trying to give her that good
vibe. It was a piece of shit. And he wasn't a piece of shit out of him like partial. This is a beautiful thing. You've only had an orgasm with your husband. This is wonderful. But the fact that he was a piece of shit and I was like, I know that Dick is trash too. Like you deserved more usually good Dick be attached to a nothing ass nigga. You didn't have that one type of person. So that's on it out there. So,
But I definitely always, and I'm still like, just now just opening the door to what that is even more with
my life. So, yeah. Great.
Yeah. Okay. So when I say people it's like, man, I wish I could be that expressive and just be like, yes. Like just
cause like I'll think of it like pollinating,
like when different people, you know, in life. So
I love
I learned
that from a shout out to all the educators in the world, I used to be a former teacher and Jo Joe was an educator too. We've got to get Brittany out here and we can bring it over here. Y'all gonna be like, Anyway, y'all this was going to be two parts. We're going to have a part one part, two, a lot for you guys to digest. Keep an open mind and keep listening is some real good gems in there and we'll see y'all next time