there were other areas that weren't tended to our parents didn't know it's no blame. This is learned behavior. Yeah. But since we. You what to do better. You do better. So now we know better each one teach one, and it's important for us to continue to elevate that conversation, but intentional questions for self.
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from sex to religion and everything in between. And we do mean everything. We just trying to figure it out. Like granny always said, just keep living welcome to the show. It's still about every week. Yes, it's it's it's us. I think that's what it is. It's about. I feel like we need three minutes of it so I could work, but anyway, you guys welcome back to another week of Jess. Keep living. This is Jenna.
This is Joe. This is
masterpiece,
and this is Shauna
and we actually have our first guests on just keep living and introduce yourself. Mr. Dewayne
shavers. I am a marriage and family therapist here in the San Diego area, working with black and brown communities, most working with the youth, really trying to empower us, give us some more language to use, to identify some of our issues. So it's a pleasure to be here. Thank you.
Thank you, you know, I'm a huge fan of, uh, they gonna hear me say Mr. Dwayne. He's he is younger than me, but Mrs. Dwayne. Yeah. Um, we thought that you guys would like to hear. Maybe like a part three of, you know, our episodes about abuse and to bring in a professional that can help answer some of these questions that we have and that you guys may have. So we're just going to get into it with Mr. Dwayne, Mr. Wayne, um, how would you define abuse? What are different types of abuse?
Uh, different types of abuse, psychological abuse, verbal abuse, emotional abuse. Sexual abuse, economic abuse, physical abuse, elderly abuse, child abuse. And then you got self abuse and that's that negative self-talk that needs to be eradicated.
So we all kind of have. We've all dealt with abuse on different levels. What we all need is some healthy coping mechanisms. When you've been through abuse, what would you say?
Uh, like meditation really started to go within, to breathe. Um, exercise is very important because when you are a physical condition, it helps strengthen and condition your brain to start to think quicker. Um, your pathways are opened up. Even more sleep is important, um, and being surround yourself around supportive, loving individuals that empowers you, that gives you strength to wake up and fight another day.
It gives you courage to get out the bed when you're feeling low and, uh, sad and depressed. So, um, the basic things you need also need to have positives. Dialogue, um, positive self conversation. So when you start to hear some negative thoughts, it's important. Like I said, to eradicate it by saying, no, it's not true. What's true. Is I'm improving daily. You might be having a bad day. Don't say I'm having a bad day. My days getting better. Cause you don't want to live in it right now.
It's important to acknowledge it in your own head. Yeah. I'm having a, not too good of a day, but when you speak it, what they teach us in, in the church, you gotta speak life, right? Yeah,
yeah.
Yeah. I do have a question. So, especially what men, um, when you're saying go within, that's not really a man term. And when I say it is like they don't under, I, I never understood what go within means. So when I begin to hear that term, I was never quiet enough to myself to understand what go within is, is, is a meaning thing because in the man I'm, I'm busy, I'm too busy. Like I got to go create, I got to go create, I got to build this. I got to bring the money. This, I gotta do this.
I got, so when you're saying this, sit down and, and trust and go within. I never understood. So when you get a men that don't really understand that, how would you explain that? I got mine through reading, reading books. I kind
of get what I'm saying. That's exactly how I would explain it. Um, I would say simple. For us to sit down and read and gain some more knowledge. Okay. Right. Um, that helps you go within to develop your own, um, boundless goals or aspirations when you start to learn and hear more things like even like even paying attention to people who inspire you, you know, like really start to set your mind on things like that.
Cause you see, they find their ideas and then when you come up with ideas, You put it into action. It becomes reality. So going within is we go within all the time. It's just helping them understand how to go, to go with them. So get to your quiet place and start to have thoughts about what do I like to do? What do I want to do in life? Um, have I ever thought about that or do I think about everything that they tell me I should do? You should be a man. You should do this. You should do this.
You should do that. But what do I actually want? Like my dad wouldn't be a, be a lawyer. I didn't actually want to do that, but I went to school for pre law. Wow. It wasn't until I was playing football in college and I tore my hamstring to where I was actually sat down. It's like, God sent me down and said, you need to focus on yourself and what you're, what you want to do. So when I focused on mental health, it, I actually got my undergraduate on criminal law.
Right because I had to change my mindset. I had to go within, I had to slow down and I had to pay attention to what do I want to do this for? Yeah. Don't want to make my father happy or do I want it? Explore life for myself. And that's what actually really helped me, was me going within and being sat down. Okay. That was, that was a really depressive time in my life too.
Yeah. And that that's, that's what happened to me. It was a time where it was just hard and I had no other choice, but to be by myself, like sitting down and crying and crying and crying and crying. And then I finally kind of figured out, you know, at the bottom of everything, what, you know, there was a lot of stuff in me that was hiding that. I couldn't trust myself as a man.
You know, I could, I didn't really hear the voice of my self because there was so many other people telling me what I should do when I find myself chasing and running. I think a lot of men have that have the same issue. It's just, they don't know how, how to communicate that. And that was a big issue.
I feel with men and, uh, in that like, uh, and then that, you know, they take it out other ways, you know, they're taken out by beating, beating the wives, or a lot of my friends have killed themselves, you know, and you know, or, or beating their kids. Don't a lot of other stuff, because I think there's just a lot of bottle up emotions, even abuse that has happened to them that they don't know how to communicate because we're not sat down to talk. We're not set down to get these things out.
So it was bottled up and they always take it like, oh, why did he flip over that? You know what I'm saying? And then, you know, it's, it's hard for the man already. If, even if could you do family is, is hard for you. To go through all that and lead a family. When you don't even trust yourself, you don't know how to, how to hear yourself. And I think a lot of that has to do with the abuse that has happened to that person, that they don't know how to get out.
And so that's why I like how you said, you know, we, as men need to learn to slow down and to be quiet enough and to find that place that where we can pay ourselves. Thank, you know, we're not taught to think. My parents were always like, we don't think you don't
have a poem. And I, and I say in my poem, we're not taught to think we're taught how to think. Yes, you think this way you do this, you do that. And you just strive for all those things. But when you actually allow yourself to think for you, you have a debris defined for your own future and your own life.
I like that. Yeah. To be creators, you can be, we are. Yes.
So, you know, when we were writing out some of these questions for you, Mr. Dwayne, one thing, they came, we had several things, they came up, but, um, what are some signs of person is an abuser because sometime you'll end up dating somebody, you don't know, six months later, you knows this broke y'all disagreed on where to eat. Like, are there some signs that a person has a predator inside of them or an abuser inside it? Yeah.
When you notice someone who is isolated. Who is, um, speaking negative over your life and someone who's controlling someone who is, um, just problematic in their behavior, um, really, really causing divisiveness. That's how you can tell that even, even if they're not beating on you, I'm going to experience some form of abuse in this relation. Because of these factors he's controlling. This person is controlling. This person is always negative. This person is hoarding. The finances.
This person is doing this, and this person is not caring about my actual needs, but focused on their needs. And then, so when that person, if you're in a partnership or relationship marriage, It's important that reciprocity is there? No, the balance is there, but when that, when that's not there, that person hordes, everything and is really controlling. You can't wear that. You can't do this. You can't even think like, well, why is that number on your phone? Oh man. Yeah. Pizza
it's pizza.
You noticed
the person who, how do you know a person is being abused? That was my next question.
So like
when that person is. Putting mames under pizza hut, just because they trying to speak out to the world and they can't, um, when that person is fearful for everything, Hey, let's go here. Do this. I can't do that. I don't have the money. When you hear, when you see a lot of that, when you also see the person isolating, not answering calls, I'm missing work. Uh, missing school, school and work struggling. Those are signs that something is going on and that person needs to be checked in or, oh,
so
go ahead. I got what you're saying about the controlling in is kind of like, um, when I'm trying to, I guess the question I'm asking is like, um, cause you. You yourself. Cause I was the person like that did the controlling or that kind of set my boundaries due to some underlying issues that I had myself. But I, I didn't know that I was doing this, you know, I. And I didn't, I, I looked at it in a way of protection, you know, in a way that I'm actually helping this person.
And if I don't control, then they're going to be lost. You know? And so a lot of the things that you stated about an, a, a person that is, uh, an abuser, I felt like I kind of took that win of at a point in my life. I became an, a more of an abuser than the person that was
abused. A lot of us are, and we were talking about that earlier. We were talking about our kids and a lot of us are because what's been done upon us. And it's like, we learn, that's a learned behavior. And you don't mean sometimes we don't mean harm is like, oh, I'm trying to protect this and trying to protect myself, trying to protect you, but it's actually abuse. Huh? Because it shows up like this. I want to start to show up in certain ways and the struggle will start to happen.
We start to notice our kids sewing anxiety. Well, why are you anxious
all day? Right? I don't even know what to my therapist told me why they wouldn't dare say that we haven't
created that, but guess what? Yeah.
That's why I go with. Um, if I ask them questions, I need to, from the kid within me, remember that y'all remember that kid, that kid is still there, but it's important to check in. You don't have to act like a kid, but it's important to check in with that kid to help you relate to the kid.
You're really good with all those kids and they just love you. They tell you the most patient person. I know. So I be like, oh, these kids have to sit down and be like, okay, you need to walk real quick. You can take a walk and I'm like, sit down now. But yeah, because
sometimes.
You know, as, when you go back to that kid, it's like that kid didn't know what they wanted or needed. They're trying to experience life, seeing all these other kids that are
excited and us as adults, we
already know that irritate me, but that's how to protest. That's a behavior that was learned from you. And we haven't seen yet. We haven't seen anything different and that's the, that's the hard part, like re
parenting myself, parenting myself. It cost me a lot of money,
but the other parents that when the other parents. Let their kids do that. That's what our parents did.
I ain't
let him come over here. I don't see nothing on there talking to me that way. Think about it
twice.
You know? So it was like, it's a closed box. And I, I, we talked about travel last week and I think travel gave me hope that there was more to life than what I was seeing. So in this inside, I knew I wanted to come out.
And experience things and be me, but I couldn't in the house in what, what I'm coming to that, with that question is so that, especially a lot of black men, when you see them, like, I went to counseling before a lot of times, but when I went to counseling, I didn't know how to talk. I didn't know to communicate. I'm just sitting here thinking like I'm sitting here thinking like, uh, are we gonna talk about my day? I didn't want to land them. You know what I'm saying? Well, my day was great.
Nobody was cooked. That's the only conversation I had with my wife. Yep. You know, sports, Hey yeah. You're house is what's going on, you know, not really like, what are you feeling? What are your emotions? Hell, is that like, you know, no, I wouldn't, I don't, I don't understand none of that. No, I don't understand that. Talk those cupcakes stuff to me, like, you know what I'm saying?
You need to be on the field, like knocking their heads off and you know, you know that, you know, that's overly aggressive. Yeah. You need to think about money and all this stuff, but you never sit down. And so I think a lot of men have an issue. Don't have an issue. They don't know how. And they're hurting. That's why men killed themselves. Ma'am and I was gonna think of that.
Come up to that question is like, because I want men to come out and talk because holiday seasons are right around the corner and this is the time and aches me because men go through so much stress. And turmoil and they can't, they don't speak it, you know, cause to, uh, to a lot of, a lot of husbands, you know, the holidays is not a good time because you know why, because they're stressed out about the money. They got to come in, eat a provider, you gotta make it.
You gotta make it to make them happy. We got to make it. But you know, it's stress and they kill themselves. It happened at, you know, a couple of friends that did that because they don't know how to communicate. And I think that it, so how do you tell men? How can you.
I don't know. I think I got you. Yeah. What does treatment look like? How do you start? What is stamp wine? What are some of those signs that, Hey, I might need some help right now and I don't know where to turn. And what does it look like?
You're the person actually trying to identify that if you need to talk to someone,
me, I want to come talk to you. I'm feeling things. I can't, I don't even know what I'm feeling, so I can't even put it into words for you.
So how do we, where
do we just, just reach out and come as you are. How God, the conversation to open up dialogue. Were you able to experience yourself in new ways? Okay. That's the job of the clinician. So when you come into this come, we'll help you sort things out.
Okay. With that. Do you think that, that you want to
do without going to therapy, you need to have some conversation with yourself. It involves intentional questions yes. For yourself. So instead of like even your kids or how would you, no. Um, what was the best part of your day name, a part of your day to where you felt most proud of yourself? Can you think back to being a child and there was a date or you felt like you've heard, I'm very proud of you, then you start to tap in. But I did hear that Dan, or I don't think I ever heard that.
Wow. I have, yeah.
I'm not going to say I haven't. I have heard. Yeah, we're proud of, so that gives you confidence, but there were other areas that weren't tended to our parents didn't know it's no blame. This is learned behavior. Yeah. But since we. You what to do better. You do better. So now we know better each one teach one, and it's important for us to continue to elevate that conversation, but intentional questions for self.
Even, even if you have just a regular question for yourself that day, oh, what are we going to get done today? How am I going to be productive today? What do I want to see in myself today? What am I trying to improve? Today. And it's not like, oh, I want to, I want to get $5 more today on my note. Yeah. As a, as a person analyze yourself, are you the type of person that you would want to be around right in his life?
No. No, no. That's a real
question. How you do the work?
You gotta be on top
of it, right? You
got to call yourself out. Everybody want to call each other out and press people. You got to pressure yourself.
Sorry about that. Like in like, you know, just growing up, it was fun to joke about everybody else, even in the family, everybody else. But anybody talk about this stuff that we got going on inside our circle, you know, you know, so that I, you know, I'm glad that's what helped him and him in his
rap battle. In that
movie, he went straight to himself and everybody was like, how am I going to talk about him?
Now you take, you take your power away. You take the
power away.
But
that's what I really love about, um, therapy and this type of work is that it's, I'm good. This type of work is like, it's not even somebody telling you what to do. There's nobody to give you an instructions that are here's the Bible, what you need to do. It's all a dialogue that helps you to get that out because it's like it's teaching you to think not how to think it was just teaching you to think and give you more of that, um, space to do that.
So, um, so I'm curious with that, with the questions and the things that you do with your, um, your clients, the people that you help, what are some of the things that you've dealt with?
Uh, like severe mental health, uh, issues such as like bipolar. Um, depression, anxiety, um, eating disorders. Um, well I do couples, couples, families, uh, youth who are on probation, uh, went to the hall, you know, work with youth who are in the hall. So, um, a lot of things. Everybody
sound like
I work with everyone, but I really got into this to really help support our voices, um, black people. And
I I'm sorry.
Now I want it. Cause he said depression two times and I feel like this may be like internal that I think depression is kind of like a trendy word right now. A lot of people will say I'm depressed. I'm like, no, you, you woke upset today. That's not depression. Can you kind of tell us the difference between sadness and depression?
I would say what's important before I get to that is I'm saying all these things, because these are terms that people can connect to. Right. Um, but I would never call someone depressed. I will say that you experience depression a lot because you have to externalize it. Even for yourself, you have to externalize those labels. Did they want to give you right? You don't. Yeah, because when you were born, I wasn't born. Hey, that's the wane anxiety
savers.
No, that's
how I'm defined. That's not my name. Call me by
my name. So I learned
my name. Yeah. You, you gotta, you gotta speak to yourself, you gotta empower yourself. Right. And you gotta say that is not who I am. That's something that I experienced. Why do I totally
don't identify yourself with that? That at all,
that's anxiety come knocking at your door. That's what I say with clients. So when anxiety comes knocking, Is it welcome today? No, it's not welcome. What tell anxiety that you're not welcome anxiety. What is welcome? Then you start to welcome what you want in your life and how do you get it by speaking to it and identifying what helps you get to that point. I'm going to go for a walk. Cause that brings me happiness. I'm uh, I'm gonna go spend time with my spouse.
I'm gonna, I'm gonna go watch a movie tonight. We're gonna go to the lake. We're gonna go to the beach because you want to have certain feelings. Okay. But in terms of. The difference between depression and sadness. I would say depression is more severe. Sadness is something that you feel may pop in and pop out. Depression may want to keep you in bed to where you're not getting out of bed. You're calling out of work and now it's been three days sadness.
You'll wake up calling for like going to work. You're getting dressed and you're complaining the whole time. But you're still moving. Okay. Depression may be more severe. Would you
consider it as being more a long-term
effect? It could be. It could be, especially if you're not addressing it first, you've got, gotta identify it pointed to guy, like really talk to yourself. Like something
is wrong, something is off. I'm not, I'm
not doing, I haven't been doing good. Cause you only, you know, cause sometimes we can put on the front to the world and we pull ourselves out of bed. We just pull it up. But when you go within yourself and keep it real with yourself, like self you're not doing good,
but
Mr. Dwayne is hard. That is hard. It's hard. Of course. I think that's why sometimes people opt out. Like, I'm just not going to deal with that. And I'm going to put it in a little box and not come back to it.
Boy, I wouldn't say I wouldn't say. I would say it's hard, but in another sense, I would say it's just not conditioned thing that we do. You kind of get what I'm saying. So if it was a thing growing up to be like taught to do that type of thing, it'd be easy. Then it's just that the older we get, like change is hard. The older we get, because we, you know, it's so embedded in you and now it's like, now I see that as this with my boys. Cause I was like, I wanted to ask you the question.
So as a dad who has two young boys, Hi, and I'm just learning like really how to sit down, how to do in my life has changed dramatically. You know, I want to know how do I, what are some good ways to coach these things to my sons? You kind of get what I'm saying in a world where everything's so fast, keep moving. This is that that's flashy. This, that, like, how do you engage them in a way to be like this? This is it because I wish I th to me, that's life.
That that's the basis of life, the better, you know, yourself, the more you will succeed at what I believe at, in this physical world, because it's an internal world, but how do you get kids to learn, to like, to look within,
explore it together with them. We'll go. We're going to go to the park. We're going to play. I'm gonna throw the ball to you. We're going to work out and you teach them life lessons. As the thing is going on, I'm tired. I'm physically tired, exhausted. Guess what? You feel like that in life, when you felt like that mentally and emotionally, you're going to feel the same way, but mentally and emotionally, it's important to tap in.
And this is how you do it by doing what we're doing right now, by doing this right. You just engage in meaningful conversation, but you're exploring it with them. And you're not letting moments pass you by because each moment is important. Yeah. Because a lot of times we spend moments and we're just blowing each other off. But when you actually take time, Make it intentional even for yourself. Hey, look, I didn't notice either when I was a kid normalize that, keep it real with them.
I didn't know that when I was a kid, but since I know it now it's my job to teach you.
Wow.
That really makes me very happy to think about the future and young people to know that parenting is changing because even to hear that. I wish
that could have been the experience when we got the power, this generation is coming under us. That's why we talk about mentorship and how that's important that we show up for these kids and give them something different. I'm always
on the flip side of some things though, that you'd be talking about when it comes to like, you know, depression, like I felt like I just couldn't. Can't afford to be there. You know, I was always that type of person, like, look, I ain't got time to be saying,
I got to, got time for this.
I'm gonna keep it real. That's important. What
you're saying is important to have that that's that grit,
you gotta have grit. And not grit to the point to where it's harmful to yourself, to where you don't allow yourself, time to check in. You have to check in with yourself, but that grit to pull yourself up and to say, I'm not allowing depression to control me today. I can't afford that. If I allow depression to control me today, that means depression one. How do I know depression? Oh, these lights out.
I been stuck in the bed. Are you stuck or.
Can
you get up? It takes me to get up to my next question. How do you support somebody that's been abused or going through depression or having N a S w you know, black people love saying spell, having a space, like maybe that's not a full mental breakdown, it's a space. How do I support someone who's going through that? And you
have to, um, listen to them. First of all, you gotta hear. Allowed them to communicate freely to you, even if it's going to hurt your feelings, you got to let them keep it real because that's what you would need for yourself. So give them the space. I'm a whole space for you. Say what you need to say off your chest. Say what you need to. Um, just for your own healing, because we're always holding things and there's a form of therapy. Like you letting it out your body. And it's a book.
The body keeps the score and talks about like the trauma and the pain that stuck in trapping our body. So our first and let them express, let them let it out because if you keep it. It's going to keep causing harm. So firstly, you got to humble yourself to allow them the space to let it out. So you have to listen to them and then you have to support them and acknowledge that what they're going through is real. It does exist validating by validating them. I hear you. I understand.
And that what you're going through is something is real to you. That's real. I acknowledge that. I'm not experienced in that. So I can't say, well, I understand what you're going through is real. I see that in you. I want to support you in that. How can I be there? That's how you start to engage in that conversation, but you got to humble yourself because this is hard. It is.
Yeah. And it is because when I've experienced people with depression or going through, um, episode spells, it's like, you can't really tell me. I don't know. I don't want to continue to push you. I'm not trying to be in your business. I just know that you're not who I'm used to seeing you be. And I don't want it. This to continue. And no one tell you this is what's going on, or you definitely
got to call it out. I
believe in the call outs, I got to call out. You got to speak to
that dialogue is the thing to your words.
And I see that a lot in with, uh, the kids that I work with. Like, and you can tell who, whose parents. Allowing them to speak and you can tell whose parents allowed them to speak and the ones that don't allow them to speak. It's one of the ones that like, I have to really pull to the side and be like, yo, what's good, man. You know what kind of saying? And almost have to pull it out of them because.
As, as, as kids, I think that's when they grow up and kind of be like me, I don't know how to express this emotion. You kind of get what I'm saying. And then that allows for a lot of other trauma and things to come in to where they may experience heavy depression. They may, like you say, because they have so much stuff trapped inside them that you said it's not, it's not able to release, you know, and soul, it is creating that space of being able to talk.
I think it's harder in the black community, just because we weren't, we never experienced how to create that space. And we, we tend to identify with your, like, if she was talking to me about something, I know a lot of people, like, they identify with what you're saying, you kind of go what I'm saying. I take, I take it as personal. Right. And you can't take it personal because that's her that that's their life. Even in relationships, that's their life, you know?
And it's, and, and so I think that's so important. You said that like, we ha you have to develop that space. For talking. And if you don't like, I know for years we were just always quiet. Yes. Because that space wasn't developed and, and, and, and I would, I, you know, outfit myself and oppression things, you know, I was on depression meds for a while. You know, I was on those things, you know? Cause I, I couldn't talk, I couldn't get it out. Yeah.
Talk to each other. Yeah. That's why I save it by marriage. No
communication
communication is key. Um, just to take a little pivot for a second, we have a couple people based on our last episode about abuse who have been sexually abused, and these people are still in their lives. How do you confront someone for healing? Do you, or do you leave it alone? I don't, I don't believe in leaving, not in alone. That's a hard one because they, you still have to see
them. So there's, so you have to, you have to see it. You got to first recognize that
we recognize that it's an issue. Now
you
need to make them
recognize.
Okay. How do we get them to talk and act like it didn't exist? Listen,
connections are made daily. There are opportunities. That they actually show up naturally that God provides for your opportunities and you'll follow in pollen conversation. And that's when you use your voice. A lot of times we remained silent. It's like, but you know, internally, like, yeah.
But, um, when you, that you did that to me when I was eight years old, that's when you say it, you know, when I was eight years old, I experienced it, you know, that's when you're able to have those real conversations with that individual. So you gotta let them make, make them see it and you have to speak it. What, this is what actually happened. Say the actual words say the actual thing, don't say, well, that thing that you did, no, but the more it's still the worst you sexually assaulted me.
You physically abused. You say it, you speak it and then you make sure that like you, you stress how you're not gonna support that. I don't support that. I'm not living like that. I'm not living by that no more. And I'm not going to live in that experience. That spirits is no longer going to define me. And you are not going to hold that over my head. You do not have the power no more. Okay. Because you're stressing it because now you're believing it. That's the hell of a boundary. Right.
You have to set it and it has to be a firm boundary because with that boundary, you have to stand by it.
Is this what you're
saying to yourself? Were you saying to that
person, let's start with you first. Okay. You had a conversation
and you
have to say to that person.
This is someone that you like you really care for. And
like you tell them, I'm telling you this, because
what I love that you feel
like they're hurting too, though. Like that's true there, you feel like this person is hurting because they're hurt by what has happened and what they did because something has happened to them and the trickle effect has occurred, but it's like, you still need to find the words, but you're not trying to. I mean, you want to set boundaries, but you're not really trying to hurt them. Like you're, you're trying to find a dialogue that can, it can still be effective on
both. And
if they've gotten to that point to where they have identified that they were wronged in been doing wrong. That's great. Now we can engage in healthy dialogue around behavior and depression, trauma things that, that that's when you're able to engage in real conversation. And say, we're going to heal together. We're going to, we're going to get through this together. But when that person is in,
that's my
next question. That's when the boundary we're talking about have to be solidify, even if you've got to cut some people out of your life or for a season, man, you've been, you have a, you've been sitting down on a bench for this season. You go sit on down like a torn ACL. This is a, this is a torn relationship issue. You're had to sit down for this. Because I need time to process and heal for myself.
Wow. I'm to just have to be like replayed a tape.
We it's a lot in here and I know, I know we got to kind of wrap it up with you. You got to go, but the next, I think this next question is important for us all to heal and have those diff difficult conversations. When you have been abused sexually as a child, and you went to your parent and now your parent is saying. You never told me that. I don't remember that. How do you move forward with that parent?
There's a desire to love this person, but then being ignoring your feelings, dismissing your emotions. What do we do with that? Because we see that a lot in our community. I know I told my mama that uncle was doing this. She never did anything. Or now she tells me that I'm crazy and it never happened. And it does something to you inside when people don't validate or move when you need them to move. So what do we do with our parents that we know.
We're just broken too, but now they're not even willing to admit that they knew they have dismissed it, which is true. Um, my trauma shows up in dismissal. I miss chapters of my childhood. I know it's abuse. So ho what are we doing that relationship when they don't, they refuse to acknowledge,
speak it clearly. And if it's spoke clearly and you've got your truth out. That's when some seasons may occur, you may get canceled for the season. I'm not saying for forever, but if you don't make it past this season and that's, you know, but season you might put them on an eight month time out. You put me on time mouse, you did this by doing this to me. Wow. So I'm going to put this relationship on a time out so you can see that I care more about myself.
And my self preservation, then this harmful relationship. I love you from afar. I'll be there to support you in times of need, but I need myself currently.
It's all boundary top. I love it. It's funny. Cause I even grabbed this out the car just cause I thought I had time to read a few pages, but this book is amazing. It talks about boundaries because there were right there as important set boundaries find peace. Yo, that is the
book I say, go to that quiet place because that's what you need. Ultimately, when you're having conversations with yourself, you need it. You
do we getting ready to wrap it up? Does anybody have any last minute questions for Mr. Duane? He's definitely going to be back. How does a person of color find a therapist of color?
That, that makes a big difference because when I was talking to the therapist and I was going to ask you, like, do you think that's a big deal because I'll talk to other therapists and I don't think they could relate. To the situations in my childhood that were going on, because I don't think they grew up in that type of outside environment. Yes. So do you think that matters?
What race race, like if I'm going to see, like, I should probably find them another black therapist, because I think they will understand
that matters, brother. It matters a hundred percent because it matters because you want someone that's going to look like. That's going to be able to understand your experience and not having to explain your experience in order to get them understand. I don't want to waste sessions on paying you all this money just to
educate
you on my black ass problems. Right. And when you have a blank chapter, like you can't relate. Right.
And, and for me, This is the whole reason why I'm in this
profession
because it matters that much to me. I need to be, I need to see someone that looks like me. So I needed to be that person that someone else can see the needs conversation. I want them to see me. So go to psychology today. Okay. Type in black male therapist, back female therapists, typing your assurance provider, all of that. So you can see if you can find a black therapist. Psychology today.
All right. And a lot of sessions are virtual right now, due to the pandemic. I don't know if we'll ever
go back to that. You find that you may find a therapist in LA because you're in California. You're still within the bounds of having virtual conversation. How was this? Not out of
state? Yeah, we could. I know, I know he got to go. I promise one last one. Long-term effects of abuse. That's not treated because. If we just continue like this that's untreated, untreated,
you start to develop, um, blockages, mental blockages, emotional blockages, lack of connection. Um, it depends on
anger, which is anger. One, one
hell of war.
Yeah. All of that sadness, um, behavioral issues, um, just not being. Mm,
well, you're not present. You're not, but you hear here. They're not engaged. Okay. Gotcha. It's like,
like a person that's walking around concussed, you know, it's like, no, wake up, like we're here. Right? Beautiful. Yeah. So also I want to give y'all to a domestic violence hotline number, please, for anyone who may be experiencing abuse, call this number in order to get the help that you may need. So the number is one 800. 7 9 9 7 2 3 3. That's the domestic violence hotline.
And you can speak with a clinic clinician that can help you find safe, um, place the refuge and find support groups and everything like that. When people spread it.
Well, thank you for Mr. Dwayne coming out and spending some time with us. Again, you are definitely invited back. We'd love to see you at least.
Yeah. But we'll see.
It's just important. The first time I seen you at open heart and I was like, oh my God, it's a black man with locks. And then you a Kappa you Greek. My dad was a Kappa. I'm like, this is what my kids need. This is what we need to see. I grew up in a black community that was full of everybody. I know a black, you know, a pilot, our job is to create a vision for our children. And you were something I've never seen. Thank you and you are so patient with them babies. Oh, yo.
Yeah. I'm excited for you again, we welcome you back and thank you for coming and spending some time with us. We would love to have your wife back. Also. We may do a session with both of y'all. Um, let y'all talk about marriage cause they married sooner. Y'all know. All right. Um, I hope you guys got something from today's episode. It was a lot up in there. Listen to it over and over. Write it down. Um, and we'll see you next time. Just keep living.