Smells Like Tween Attitude

it was just very it was very hot, swipeeet. So then this person said to me, I can do drinks very early, meaning like five or five thirty, but I have something after. I'm like, it's my Friday night, Like I never leave my house. I'm putting I'm actually getting dressed. I'm like getting dressed and putting out some makeup. So what am I fucking Ryan? And I didn't make it for drinks, So I'm like, no, no, I'm not doing

I don't do only drinks. I want the whole goddamn date and what the drinks and the dinner or we could just do the dinner, but I don't need the drinks. So I was I got I had like I got like riot by it by it by by someone for drinks. I didn't make. I don't make dinner, And also that would be something you'd want to clarify when you make

the plan. I can go get together on a prime Friday night if you're gonna put some makeup on, but we can only do drinks because drinks is something I do after I have makeup on from like doing a photo shoot. I'm already lacquered and slackered and shackled up, so I'll go out for a drink, but not like designated. I'm taking a shower, blow dry my hair, and putting on some fucking makeup for drinks. Then I'm gonna feel like a loser. At seven o'clock, Where am I going?

What am I doing? I'm home? My daughter was not home, Like no way, man, it's I'm sucking riot to those moms. Let's talk about what I call the tween two. The tween two, it is no I'll do it myself, and like just that mood, that after school mood. It's like and you can't really you know, you can't arrest them for total like disrespect or doing anything wrong. My kid is such a good kid. She doesn't really do anything wrong. She's amazing I come home, she's making homemade bolognes and

homemade yoki a la pesto. I'm not exaggerating. It's literally like living with a renaissance woman in my house. She's making artwork and original pieces of artwork, and she's unbelievable. But when she gets off from school before that, like she's defrosted as a human being, she you know, forgets we know each other, like we we know each other like yeah, hi, hi, oh hi, it's the first The hogg is always good. The first hog is always gonna be hi. And then something's on her mind. The roller

skating party is not going right. The goody bags I bought it, got so excited, spent three dollars. It's CBS made these goody bags. They have checkers, they have Yo yo's, they have Kinnectic stand, they don't have pacifiers. No, because it's it's gonna she's gonna think she's like a baby. It's gonna make her look like she's like a baby. I'm like, I didn't give them a plato. It's a bubbles. I didn't. I gave him You're going to a roller in for your birthday? So I did, Like, like those

neon stick like streamers. It's completely age appropriate for eleven No, no, what do you want men to give them? Fucking lip glass and vibrators? They're eleven years old. Jesus fucking Christ. I do all I did. I did check let's just sort of you. I did walkie talkies, checkers, yo yo's glow sticks and Mike and ikes? What else was there? Walkie talk is mike and oh no, adults play you now? Okay, it wasn't a shotgun. It wasn't, you know, and it wasn't.

I mean, what the hell are you expecting? I mean, good lord, you literally think I gave her like I was playing pin the pittail on the donkey. So anyway between two does when she comes home from school and she hasn't defrosted from like oh hey, hug like obligatory mom hug into like the day, and then you know, we become enemies for like a half an hour where

she doesn't know that she knows me. We're sort of like we just we just passed each other at the dog park, sniffing around like we haven't paid on any trees yet. I'm just like, yeah, hi, I'm the woman who gave birth to you. I'm not sure, but I'm sure when we get into something, I'm gonna be buying you soon or doing for you. We'll get back to where we were. And then I'm like, hi, that's a

tween two. And then it becomes passive aggressive back and forth, and then something happens, and then somehow, as a person that she knows on the starry she needs to ask me a question or talk to me about something, and then somehow it cracks because she realizes we do know each other. We're not perfect strangers. We actually live in the same home and you came out of my vagina. So tween two, it is a real thing. It's that hormones, those body changes, and those mood swings just a little.

It's like mood swing light, God, we know each other. What do you think I was gonna? You know what I'm gonna put in your goodie bag? None chucks? Okay, brass knuckles, none chucks, A vibrator and a double barrel shotgun. Is that a good idea? Or a fifth of vodka? That's a different goodie bag. That's what we're gonna do. Because I didn't realize yo yo's and checkers were canceled for a leve year olds. What is an appropriate eleven

year old? Good it's just not to do a goodie bag literally, but yeah, it's my third dollars and each What am I doing with the bag? I'll use the yo yo now she's not allowed. Now she's not allowed. Come over to use that. Nope, it's for babies. Me and my assistant and my housekeeper, and my driver, and my fiance and my neighbor at Biggie and small as my dogs. We're all gonna be fucking using the walkie

talkies and yo yoing and playing checkers. They can't play checkers, they don't have imposable thumbs, but we're all gonna be doing that. They can move the they can move it with their paws. Were all, we're all gonna playing all these goodie bag games, and you're not allowed because you have a tween. Dude, do you ever notice that people just sometimes want to like be passive aggressive of they just they're in the mood. I mean, I get it.

Somebody just want to slap somebody, and I get it, right, but we I was getting my nails done at a salon in like not a salon like a chop shop. Effectively, I was getting my nails done at a chop shop in Massachusetts. Um and I don't know why. I always think the Massachusetts is gonna have like the nicest, like sweetest people. I don't know. I had like three passag incidents one weekend in Boston. It was really weird. I

don't know if it's like the past act stade. I'm not sure it doesn't happen in New York that much, which is shocking. Different things happened, but there was like a pass act thing going on. So I was in one incident. I was in the nail So one incident was that you know when someone's excited to tell you that you can't get the table, like it's okay, now,

I'm so sorry, No that table, hi, I'm high? Is that No, that's reserved for someone else, you know that kind of like like there's just I'm excited to tell you this. I'm excited to tell you the following. This table is reserved for someone else. There's a bigger name on the other line, like they're just so fucking excited to fuck you right up that ass. Just you know,

just this is for someone else. No, oh is there any us know those are taken as well, you know, just like one of those moods where someone you're just like wow, and then it sort of starts and then we got our order wrong, like like fully wrong. What was it? The cam like something came like paul Ard sausage, not bacon. I think I might have gotten like egg what it's got eggs? And then there was something else. There was something large, like oh, you order like a

banana muff and it didn't come. Something big didn't come, something big like you order you ordered like cereal and you got open like something that's substantial, and you said something and then all of a sudden, I'm like self conscious, and Paul's like, what do you ever like feel like we just asked for something that was normal, and like we're the bad people, you know what I mean? Because we had the pass bag ins and I was like oh, and I was like yeah, I'm sorry, We're really sorry.

I'm sorry we want to bacon. Like now you're the bad person and you're like apologizing, sending like condolence cards. You feel bad. Then you think about the food went back in the kitchen. We should be suffering all of it like it just was like a whole thing. So that was one of the past bag incidents. And then I can't remember the second one. It was a good one too. Oh, No, third one. It was another one at a restaurant. Oh, I know. The hostess came and

sat us. Someone eventually I think told her who I was, and I'm nobody, But I'm just telling you there was a pendulum seesawce Swift in her personality. But in the beginning she came up to my table and she said, hey, how are you? And she had the menus and the drink May hear the drink menus? Have you done with us before that whole question. We assume that it's a restaurant and that there's food and chefs. The food's gonna come out smaller prices, smaller price. We got it, okay.

So she said, um, I have to go greet someone else. What what do you mean. We're like, we're in a transaction right now. We're like we're here. So she said she had to go greet somewhere else. We were all like, we all loved each other. Like wow, I've never heard

of that ever before. By the way, seconds another story when you come up to a hostess stand, they should put the person on hold who's called on the telephone you're standing, And I just feel like that that's just like when you get out of this you get you let the people out of the subway before you go in. You let the people out of the elevator before you go in. You let the people out of this store before you go in, even in a blizzard. And Okay,

there's no caveats. That's just the rules. Okay, when you're at a host of sam, people come up, you let the you talk to the people even hike, excuse me one second. Then you finished the conversation thirty sixty seconds. If it doesn't end, then you gotta put them on hold again and deal with the person in front of you. Third past bag incident. I was in a nail salon, uh a nail like a chop shop nail salon, and they had a big TV on and the price was right.

The prices right was on the ding, you know, like ding ding ding dna, dunna, like totally like and that's their choices, their salon. They have the prices right on. It was probably on like a once to ten, like a six volume like I fully heard all the prices which were right, and we're not right. I was in the game, so I was on my phone and it was probably on like A five or six too. I was watching like Instagram or TikTok and it was on there,

and this woman was like three seats away from me. Incidentally, it's not important to the story, but I feel like it's important to you. She was wearing a Sear Sucker handbag and Sear Sucker pants. If you want to do some waspy Massachusetts profiling, just she had two Sear Sucker items on in April. Okay, she was ready to go for the Sear Sucker so um. And she looked over and the Price is Right was dinging. And she looked

over and she said, are you watching a movie? Because my phone was on then and I said no. And then she goes, do you have earbuds? Are they called ear pods on what they called because you have earbuds, your pods whatever? I said no, and then I said the price the price is right is like we're telling us a lot to turn the prices right off. If we're telling me to turn the I I get quiet time and spot time and I'm fully down for it.

And I'm one of those people who be annoyed by somebody having a business call on their air pods or wherever you call those things. I get that, but we're digging it up here, so we're doing it up all of us. But you know how she what she just was like, she was like, oh, hey, do you mind turning that down? Are you watching a movie? No? I'm watching monkey porn? What are you doing? And she liked to have your buds. I'm like, yeah, no, if you

want to get into it, we'll get into it. But you could just like ask me if I don't mind turning it down, because listen, I'll you want to cut, you want to go, I'm already at any time, get your fucking sea or sucker, and we'll take the ship right outside, right now, right outside. Get your fucking acrilics, wrap them up in that foil tighter. We'll go outside and throw down Charlie Brown