I want to talk about being transparent and honest when you're in relationship. The reason I say that is everybody comes into a relationship with a different background. It could be financial, it could be cultural, it could be geographical, it could be nature versus nurture, a million different things. It could be a relationship before, an abusive relationship before,
or really positive relationship before. But people come into a situation and everybody has their own inner monologue and dialogue about what they think something should be based on what's in their own head. And I've said this to people. Also providing context for people that you relate to, even at work, you know, you know, romantic relationships, friendships, business relationships. I mean, you're not going to start getting into that you were abused as a child in a business relationship
per se. But giving context is important. And I said this sentence to someone. I said to someone, they're raised like a breeder dog with safety security, knowing where the meals were going to come from and knowing that they weren't going to be abused and they were going to be protected. And that I come from a perspective of being a rescue dog, a dog that has been in many different homes and had many different experiences and comes
in a little cagey doesn't trust that much. Could act in a different type of way than somebody else who is a breeder dog, because by definition you've had How could two people with vastly different experiences react in the same way to something. So if you let people know where you are, then they'll understand why you act in a certain way. And yes, that could apply to business.
It could be in business that you're explaining to someone that you are a very direct person, that you don't respond well to beating around the bush or a lot of small talk or corporate jargon like that's a way of saying something where then in the future they're going to know how you might operate or why you might act cold or weird or distant or dismissive or something like that. And certainly in a relationship, it could be like I have the tendency to run, so if you
run too, this will never happen. And I've been in relationships with people who get insecure when I run, and then they want to run, and then it's done because somebody needs to be the rock, and somebody is going to be. You know, if you have two breeder dogs, then great. If you have two rescue dogs, that can be challenging too. That can be like two different insecurities and cagueness and radic or unpredictable or just not traditional.
I don't like to say irrational but not normally expected behavior, you know what I mean, like things that would seem unexpected. So I think it's good to know where people come from so you know how to deal with them in all situations in life. There's one thing I wanted to
say about dating. I was on the I was with Alex Cooper in the Unwell Tour on stage, and I was giving dating advice, and the one thing I forgot to mention that I thought was so important in dating advice is this, you could really like someone like to the point where it gives you the chills. You can't even believe how much you like them. You're so into them, it's uncomfortable, like you're in Just like in business, you could be so into a business deal you could make.
You're gonna make millions of dollars. It's gonna be the best business deal you're ever in. Right, But if you're not getting what you want and need, and it's going to like affect you and affect your life. And you're settling for less than what you deserve. You're kind of cheating yourself. You're selling yourself short. Something is wrong. Your gut is telling you something's wrong. You don't like the way it makes you feel. You have to be willing to walk. You have to be willing to walk, but
not in a bluff. This used to happen with housewives all the time. I watch people say they were gonna walk, and then Bravo realized that they weren't really gonna walk, and then they called their bluff, and then the person has no leverage the next time around.
I've seen this.
I can name five housewives who've gotten paid so much less than they would have and ten times less than I got paid because they didn't know what they were doing. There's a confidence to that, and it's scary. That's scary to be able to say to someone, I'm into you, but I'm willing to walk because I won't settle for less than what I deserve. And that's business, that's friendships, that's all of it, and that is very strong. I've done that in friendships too. I've had someone treat me
in a way that is not appropriate. And I have walked and they have come back around and they have never made that mistake again. But it's it's scary because sometimes you really know you'll really miss that relationship, you missed that friendship, you miss that that guy, that girl, and you gotta be able to do it. And there's something in a relationship to landing vulnerability, confidently being needy in a way that is confident, like for me at me and saying I need a little love, I need a.
Little praise right now. I'm a little needy.
That's way more confident than actually being needy and drippy and desperate and thirsty, like the way you frame things, you know, the way like saying what you need is confident. Begging for scraps and being desperate and waiting around and then not getting it and accepting that you didn't get it and asking for it again, that's needy. There's a very big difference between being like, this is what I need, this is what I require, this is what I want, and like I said, call the bluff. You gotta be
willing to walk. Also being able to articulate to someone the difference between your wants and your needs, your deal breakers, and what you really would like, because if you're in a healthy relationship, most people will want to give each other what they need and want, and you can't pick every single thing. Everything can't be a need. Some things are a want and you might not get at all.
But as one of the dating coaches on here said, I really really really validate what he said when he said a relationship should not be work, and we got to it should be effort. And I was talking to someone about this today. It should be intention, but it should be desire. You want to work on it, you want to get better, but it's not work. And many of us have had the same experience where we think we're the problem. Somebody's good on paper, somebody seems like
they're it. Someone you know you're supposed to be feeling some way. Why are you being critical of the other person. Why don't you want to share with the other person? Why are you leaving them out of things? Why do you want to do things without them? Why do you not feel great when you're around them? Why are you kind of excited when they leave? Why are you not that excited when you see them? Then you start saying, but they're so good, they're so generous, They're this, They're
what I'm supposed to be wanting. Then you go inside. Then you start beating yourself up. Then you start saying it must be me. I must be flawed in some way, I can't be happy, I can't allow myself to love. Then it's another dialogue. If there is a person that fits you properly, these things will not exist. You will have to have intention, you will have to make an effort, but they will not be the feeling of dread and negotiating with yourself and torturing yourself and torment yourself and
tearing yourself apart because you're staying out of fear. Now compound that you have kids, you're afraid because of financial reasons, or because you've already gotten married, because what's your family going to think. I mean, these things are super important and also why relationships should not be jumped into. But we beat the shit out of ourselves unnecessarily. If you eat something and it doesn't agree with you, you just
you listen to that. You don't start talking about why the thing is supposed to Oh, it's supposed to be good for me. It's coconut it's got good oil. If you don't like it or it doesn't make you feel good, you don't eat it. You don't care what the fuck anyone.
Says about it. How good for you it's supposed to be. You're not eating it. You rejected it, your body rejected.
It. Doesn't mean you're psychologically unfit. Doesn't mean you can't I something's wrong with you. It means it's not right for you. So we have to get more clear with that stuff, because I feel like we torture ourselves and spend so much unnecessary time doing that. In addition to the wants and needs. It's like related, but it's like what's your thing? What's your thing? The dating coach said. Men want to be acknowledged. I think it was admired
and appreciated. Women want to feel safe, heard and understood. For me, it's safe. I've heard men say to me loved, you know, loved. So whatever it is, you listen to the other person and you make sure that you give that to them because some people could say it in that one moment, but not in the day to day, and not everyone needs to express themselves verbally. Do you
ever notice there's some people that express themselves nonverbally. It's their actions, it's the way they do it, it's the way they make you feel.
They don't.
Everyone doesn't need to be emoting at all times, and sometimes because of our previous experiences, we actually can't trust ourselves.
We do have good gut instincts, but sometimes we go back for the thing that's not good for us, and we have to break the chain ourselves in relationships, but not the pendulum, not where you're just going to the opposite of what you did before, which could be boring or dangerous for you, but basically realizing if I walk into a casino, I might not be able to be trusted. I'm gonna gamble. If I go into a bakery, I'm gonna want all the sugar. I'm not good in that environment.
Knowing you know, if I see a hot guy that looks like a bad boy, that's what I'm going for. Or I tend to go with somebod who's gonna treat me like shit but is great in bed or whatever it is. We have to acknowledge who we are and what our behaviors are and why why we attract that and become your best self before you get ready to be dating. That's the hardest part. People want to jump in. They want to they want to fix it with the band aid. You want to feel better, you want to
go on a date. You want to meet somebody, You want to be in a relationship. You want somebody for the holidays, you want somebody for New Year's Eve. You want to feel part of something. You don't want to feel alone. You don't want to go to the wedding alone. You don't want to be the loser. Then you jump in something that's wrong for you, and you're wasting time not finding the right person, and you have never done
the work. So even if you found the right p person, you wouldn't be ready because you're still a train wreck because you were so afraid. You never did the work, and you when you start a relationship, that bar better be really high.
It will only go down no matter what.
You have a new car, it will not smell like a new car in six months, maybe a faint. So you better raise that bar high in the beginning. Don't start settling from the jump now. Listen, there is a time in the beginning you meet someone, it's not going to be off to the racist perfection you've got to sniff each other out. You've got to get each other's patterns, wants, needs, likes, loves, sex, Communicate about sex not in the bedroom, outside of the bedroom.
What does someone like? What does someone not like? What about you know, personal styles? What about cadence? What about how much? What about how intense? What about how it makes you feel? What about your past sexual experiences? What about your trust issues as it pertains to sex. I mean, sex is a massive topic, but overall, you set the bar high and you train the dog in the beginning, and I don't mean the man as a dog or the woman's a dog. People need to be trained in
the beginning. This is where the wee wee pat is. This is where it is, so we don't have any confusion.
Later. We may all have some accidents along the way. That's normal.
But we're not going to start this thing by dumbing it down, because then it'll be in a shambles and all the cracks become craters. So beware of the cracks, beware of the pink flags. Critical periods to look out for. I believe our six weeks, what are we doing? Do we actually like each other? Is there a connection are we continuing on to the next gauntlet, which is three months? Three months is are we in a relationship? Are we doing this at some point? Will I meet your family?
Will you meet my friends? Will I meet your kids? Will we say I love you?
Like?
Three months is critical and then we're off to the races. Then you get to six months and a year and the rest is history. But three months, to me, would be the most critical part in any relationship. It's when you decide what the real intention is of the entire relationship. I stand by what the experts say about texting. Control yourself. I'm saying to myself as well. Do not communicate anything
important via text. Now this means, you know, reprimanding someone, scolding someone, giving some notes, saying something you don't like, saying something you do like, saying how you really deeply feel about someone. Like real feelings should not be communicated
by text. Now there's a gray area because it could be I miss you, that's a real feeling, but that's like a small statement or XO, or I can't wait to see you, or you make me feel great, or you're making me happy, or look at I mean, once in a while, there's an exception, but overall, you should not be getting into broad stroke topics, negotiating something, talking about how something makes you feel, how something didn't make you feel like, wish you didn't do that?
Can you not do like?
No arguing, No real meat should be happening on texting, And it's a discipline because you can't always get someone on the phone and people work, And I would say if you're in something, FaceTime is important too if you're not with the person, particularly if you're long distance, but if you're not gonna be with the person all the time, someone's facetiming tour from work. It is remarkable what it means to see someone's face compared to just being on
the phone. Let's take this down. Seeing someone's face is a whole different ball game than being on the phone. But being on the phone is a whole different ball game than texting, which is pathetic and sad because being on the phone can be really disconnected, it really can. But texting, it's a fucking joke. Texting is like eating a bag of Cheetos and wanting it to feel like you had like brown rice, chicken, breast, and broccolini, Like it's garbage food. It's junk food. It's never gonna it's
not gonna do it. It's just it's like a tool that we overuse. Texting technically should be like I'm in the corner booth and a red shirt. It shouldn't even be as much as we use it for. But we use it as a crutch, as a tool, and you know, it's a necessary evil. One of the tricky things in dating is talking about x's it really really is. We say we're never going to do it, we do it not because like, oh I miss Joe. It's a reference point.
You want to compliment the person you're with me like I'm not used to this, you know, and sometimes it does feel good.
I don't mind it.
I don't mind it if someone says something about their ex as it pertains to us and why this is different. I mean, it's sometimes informative. If the blast person used to do something that really bothered you or made you feel unsafe, you might have to discuss it with the current person because that is institutional knowledge. Talking about how you still miss the person or how you broke up or when Joe and I used to go to do this. That is not a good idea. Joe bought me flowers
and you don't. That is not a good idea. But I'm used to a different dynamic with Joe where I feel guilty about doing this. You know that might make someone feel good that you're validating. Oh what's going on? And again, as some of the matchmaker is only one of the dating coaches has expressed the male dating coach, the game moves fast when you're dating.
We have all these plans.
We plan a god laughs, You plan to have a get play a game, do this, do that.
It all goes out the window. It does. You do the very best you can, but it all does go out the window.