So I met bad mom's volleyball. I went to my daughter's volleyball tournament, where was in Hempstead, and I walked in and I thought that I was proactive because I brought a chair that I had bought for the lacrosse games. I thought I invented and discovered America by going online and buying a chair for lacrosse games, thinking like, I might be outside and I'm watching, and last time I was I was sitting on the ground. So let me get this chair. And I felt like I was so
amazingly prepared. It's a cross body chair. I was so excited. So Britain told me that this particular that the tournaments have seats. So I thought they have seats. I was excited, but at the last minute she said they don't. They're not going to have seats. So I brought my chair, which is like it's a cross body, almost like a
beach chair. It's like it's flat, it's almost like a thin mat that touches the ground, and then it has a little back and somehow it folds up and somehow it stays up like a chair and you're on the ground. And so I got to the La Cross game, and I'm not exaggerating. I'm not an exaggerator.
By the way. I'll let you know, I'm a very literal person.
When I tell you something, I may speak with emphasis and it sounds like hyperbole, but it's only hyperbole and intonation of my speech. It's not actual hyperbole. I do not exaggerate. I just say I'm very literal with everything, and I take things literally. So if something says something, if somebody says something to me, I believe it literally, and I expect them to do something literally if they tell me they're going to or not too if they don't.
So I'm literally telling you that these tournaments, if you've been to them, you know, there could probably be five hundred. I don't know seven hundred. Could there be a thousand people in the stadium or the thing. I don't think so, but like hundreds of people. So I walk in to the Hempstead Hofstra University multiple volleyball court gym, and everybody has the same chair. Everybody has the same chair. Everybody has this chair that looks like an armchair, like a
club chair, but of like folding chair black material. There might be there are a couple of like colors of it, you know, like maybe there's like a blue or red or something, but like by and large, ninety percent of the one hundred percent of chairs are black and they sometimes have two little cup holders. And these women it's mostly women, but the husbands are there too, but it's the women that are holding down the fort. The husbands are like just passengers. These women are grown middle aged
woman boy scouts. There's not a fucking snack. They don't have a wipe, a water, a treat, a garment, a nap get like, it's just like a glass is probably lotion, Like they probably have a sewing kit.
That was Hyperabiley. They probably, but I.
Don't know that it was. I don't know that. They don't have deodorant in there. I don't know that they don't have like a mass and Gill Douche in there. I don't know that, but I don't that was Hyperboley too. But like all these women are in these chairs. Now, my chair is turquoise. It is a cross body person. It's on the floor. So I walk in and like they're always early and that's annoying, Like, respectfully, I don't need to be at this tournament. From nine to seven
o'clock at night. One goes till nine o'clock at late at night. Like my best one of my closest friends has four daughters, and she said, you can excel at sports. There's only so farthest thing is probably going to go because I'm not fucking going to tournaments. Now. None of her kids, she's a Jewish woman from Jersey. Most of her kids are not you know, six foot three professional basketball players. Respectfully, they're smart, they're athletic, but like, listen,
none of them are major athletes. I don't think any of her four girls are playing football for the NFL, so you know, and but so, but she just didn't want to go. So I try to make these rules for myself, like I won't go to every single away tournament for these volleyball leagues. Like I love you so much, I'm not like every single weekend going to a volleyball tournament. I mean, that's just not And I remember as a kid,
I begged my mother. I wanted her to be like the PTA mom and go to a bake sale never one time. So I probably go into twenty games overall, and I've gone to maybe one or two tournaments. She's only done the club thing two seasons, so and one my mother died. I didn't get to go to the Philadelphia one where you go and you get a hotel and I was gonna get a nice hotel and it's gonna be three thousand dollars, Like what the fuck? So people stay in the same hotel as the kids and the club dinners, and.
It's just like it's it's a lot. Okay, it's a lot.
And I know someone who said they think club sports are tearing families apart because one mom's here, the dad's there. They're all over the place octopus fucking org charts and people from NASA trying to analyze where everyon's supposed to be and all the equipment. And I was not born for the slave. I was not born for three boys
and hockey sticks and smelly jockstraps in my house. Like thank God, my little daughter is a little princess who used packing cubes and proactively books a tutor and knows that she wants to go to school at University of Miami in ninth grade, like God met me where I am at And also she's my daughter, So there you go. So the husbands are there puffer vest University? When I tell you thirty two percent of the husbands of the
volleyball bad moms have puffer vests. And if they don't have puffer vest, if some version of a vest, okay, just whatever that means to you.
I don't know.
But these bitches have everything. Okay, they have drinks, they have goldfish. They come, they get excited. They talk about the different coffee they make, coffe they love the dialogue is they made like a going for coffee?
Is any want coffee? What do you want? What do you want? No, You'll get me.
A Venmo big Venmo is big with the fucking volleyball moms big with the bat Mom's volleyball Vemo Venmo.
You just found me you I'll get it next time. You get it here.
But they like the yent to gossip of it, like it's giving nails. And like that cigarette case that like this woman Pat Wilson who used to watch me and stat in Ozone Park queens like opening the cigarette case smoking, just talking about shit that doesn't matter, which is why I like it, because like these women will spend fifteen minutes on like the coffee, and I'll get the coffee two cremps, Dishy, what who eased to coffee like that? What do you mean? Know? They have a Vanella syrup
and I'm going They're not going there. They're ice coffee is terrible, Like it's twenty it's fifteen to twenty minutes on the ice coffee. And then we're into like the Danish or the Ruggel, and then someone's bringing munchkins. Oh, and everybody's just shoveling in munchkins and everything you can possibly eat, and lunchtime comes and it's a whole discussion.
And I actually offered someone chicken salad because I am a chicken salad influencer, as many of you may know, and I reviewed chicken salad and I went to a deli called Main Street Deli in Hempstead and bought their chicken salad to review it. It wasn't great, just you know, and they gave me like four pounds of it and it was annoying. And I came back and I took one bite and I said, you guys want some chicken salad.
She's like, now I brought some. I'm like, wait, you brought chicken sala?
Like why you have chicken salad like I just have it, because like I do it, like you just have chicken salad. I just saw five other things that you have, so they're just like there to live. And I walk in and I don't know how I started with the talking to his one, but I walked in and I was in barrased, like I.
Was really the bad mom.
And I walked in and I'm not going to I'm gonna never sugar coat. I'm gonna tell you what it really is.
Now. I'm a great mom. I really really am. I don't have any issues with this.
I do everything with my daughter, and I mean fucking since she was a little kid, it was Gingerbread University every year, and let's go to your make your own ice cream, let's do the place where we go to take your friends and make jeans, and let's go to the merry ground, and let's go to the bed, and let's go to the every it's a bubble thing, the
children's music. I I was over compensating for growing up in a cocaine fueled gambling den, going to nightclubs at thirteen, and shooting craps when I was thirteen in Vegas.
True story. So I was over compensating.
But I'm a great mom, but because I'm lo a known personality, and these people are my people and they're fans. Like when I walk in, they're giving me a little extra, like, oh, this poor thing, she doesn't know anything. And these bad moms that are like Queen's moms, they're fans, of course they are. But I say one thing out a turn, They're gonna fucking hate my guts and they don't give.
A shit and they really don't care.
Like the guild is off the lily, the smell is off the new car two minutes in, do you know what I mean? Like they met me at happened, We took a picture. They think I'm great, but like they'll tell all their friends it's great currency but like it's okay if I fuck around and like say the wrong thing during the game, like they'll kill me. They'll cut a bitch, do you know what I mean? And the one next to me says to me, I'm a screamer. I scream for my kid, I scream for your kid.
I scream for every kid. I'm like, fuck, I go okay, I scream for every kid too. I don't scream for every kid I don't even know what the fuck they're doing. I don't know what they're playing. I don't know what time it is. If there weren't for that score, I wouldn't know.
I like it.
I think it's a wonderful game. My daughter's always looking over to see if I'm looking. She wants to see that I see everything that she does. It's so rewarding.
I love it.
So I walk in and I open my chair and like I can't get it, Like everybody's already set up. I always like to be It's like Housewives trips. I always show up late and I want to leave early. Like I'm always trying to figure out how to come up late and leave early. You know, Like if it starts at nine, I'm good like rolling in at like ten fifteen. If it ends at five, I'm good like leaving at four.
I'm cool. I like, I check the box. Okay.
So I come in and like, this is not It's one of those weird like domino chairs. It's folding one way the other way, but like how does that arm work in the back, And like I'm making a scene because everyone not everyone. I'm not a narcissist completely, but
people know who I am. And I've also walked in late and like, I have a turquoise chair and it's a crossbody and it's like none of those other chairs, and I like first think I've got the key because I'm putting it up against these random bleacher but they're not seat bleachers. They're just like folded up some things again, and I'm like, I got this, but I really don't got it. I don't feel right. My chair's not together, but I don't know how to like do it because
it's just embarrassing. And now all these queens women are coming up to me and they're like, oh my god, she needs help. So the one woman's like got her ass in the air and she's like, don't don't, please, don't fill my ass because I put them on my socials and I'm like, you're saving my ass. I'll save your ass, and so she puts my chair together, and then I'm sitting on the floor and like my turquoi. It's just like they're like, oh my god, and then I'm and I just by the end of the day,
they all my fucking chair. One of them is in my chair. I'm like, you're jealous, You're jealous my fucking chair because I'm on the floor. You're sitting up like every other basic bad mom bitch, and I'm on the floor, like my back is up. I'm like so good and I can like lean back and like recline. So my chair fucking ruled. And then I went to the car and as one does, I have beauty in the car because I have all this shit that people send me and I always have gifts everywhere because gift giving is
my love language. And I come back in and I give all these women individual gift bags. They think I've gone and bought it. I'm like I did, and I just had them in the car like what. So then they were excited and this will like make them happy forever. We took pictures. I had the best time, but just to say that, like these fucking volleyball moms are they're They're savage, and I'm gonna see them again this weekend.
How about I'm excited. I love a fucking queen's mom.
I've been to other ones where it's like sort of like waspy, prissy like moms and they want to like show me how much they don't care and they're not impressed. And all this shit, like these fucking queen's bitches. They're my people, ice coffee, you fucking chairs sucks. They have every piece of food. I just I live for them. They got to know what you got. I went out, I go where'd you go? You went to my instrumt oh, I know, mainStreet.
Dell like full on.
They want to tell you where everything is, what's good, what's not. Don't go there, go there. It's just insane and they're just gossiping all day about nothing, and they're very like exaggerated. And the volleyball mom, the volleyball bad mom uniform is a hoodie with a shirt underneath and leggings period period. So the husband's uniform is a puffer vest or a vest, and the woman's is leggings and some version of a hoodie or a fleece or some
version of something like that over something else. That's what I got, That's what I got, That's what I learned.