Just B Dating: Non-Traditional Dating with Matchmaker Barbie Adler

Barbie Adler, So I wanted to talk to you about like male types, like archetypes, let's just say, and I want you to tell me what you think of this approach or these approach is and like red flags and things that I might be doing or maybe give me an a on.

My test for what I'm doing.

So because I think many women can relate to a lot of the things that I've been experiencing and doing first and foremost, which you would definitely say, and you did say in the beginning of being on this podcast that like, for example, I had a guy that I was supposed to go out with in New York. Now I wasn't a nervous wreck like I am right now, but it wasn't a great day, Like I just wasn't feeling right. And I canceled on him and I said, I'm not present right now, like I'm just I'm not present.

And he had come into town to take me to dinner.

And I felt a little bit badly, but it was like I think that had I gone, it would have been a bad scene anyway. I mean, even energetically, even if you act great, you look gorgeous, and you're still engaging. I feel like there is an energy to things, and I just and you had talked in the beginning, not about that, like on the micro meaning an individual date, but overall that people should be working on themselves and

But if you are a mess, you should not be going out with anybody. Yeah, I completely agree.

I think that sometimes people think like, oh, I feel bad he flew off his way or had the reservation.

But if you show up and it's just like a job.

Interview, you show up and you're not an ace it and you're not yourself, you're gonna flunk it and you might. It's like so now you're just lost out. There's no second chances. It's just not as dress rehearsal. So plus they're not gonna get to know the real you. So the best thing to do is what you did, whether you say you're not present or say I'm so sorry

But I think the sooner you could do it.

So for example, today I probably shouldn't be like doing a podcast because I am a little bit of a mess. That being said, I said to myself, and I used to say this sound reality TV like an actor say it. Use it like meaning I just launched into like talking to you about it, versus like getting putting a bunch of makeup on. I have black circles. I was up all night like I'm leaning into like this is what

What do you think about that? I just this is the thing.

Some people could switch gears and go from an intense business situation, switch gears and be lovely as adults. We have to do that with our kids. We would do that with work with others. You don't go well round and be unfiltered and share every emotion. If you could switch gears and have a great time and just put it on a shelf, whatever issues you're going through go on the date. You actually might be in a better place if you actually can escape your issues and go on the date.

But if you go on the date.

And it's a fair session or you are in such a funk that they're gonna be like, WHOA, They're gonna think you can't regulate your emotions, and they'll be like, this is the person I know, and they won't be able to un hear unsee what happens that way, and then and then, like you said, if you use alcohol as a crush or you didn't eat, and they could

And I've had men who are going through a divorce that like, even though they know and they might say I'm not going to talk about it, and it's not they can't help themselves. They have to tell you. And then they get into intimate details and you're just like, I don't fucking want to hear about your vote.

Yeah, and then it's too much and then it's like WHOA, that person's like not available or the judgment call, Like I had someone that we fixed up and he got really bad news about his son and he went on the date and he shared really deep stuff and the woman was like and then it's yeah, you.

Should be with your son right now, like you shouldn't be on this date.

Yes, and then it could be a judgment call or he didn't necessarily do anything wrong, but now he's sharing and then she's like, what what kind of person is this? So and he didn't do anything wrong except for he just he shouldn't have gone. And no one wants to be canceled last minute, especially a girl being canceled on, because the time involved to get ready is different than a guy taking his usual shower.

To get ready.

But still as long as you make that person feel like you don't usually do this. Something came up and I don't even think I have to share what it is, because if you don't know the person, you don't owe them this and it could be overshare, but it's like something came up.

I'm so bummed. I hope we could reschedule.

I was really looking forward to tonight and then you know, you just make sure it's warmth. It's like not ghosting and you're not playing games, but the sooner is yeah.

Even like and if that guy's not gonna go out you again exactly.

Even My daughter called me this morning and goes, I feel horrible. Should I cancel my date, and I said, sometimes in the morning you feel the worst and then you feel better. But by noon, if you feel horrible, canceled because you can never get that back. And what are you gonna be like sneezing and coughing and miserable and you can't like enjoy their date. It's a one shot. So she cancels, and I was like, good for you,

Is on that person.

You have to give a hall pass and say totally get it, hope things are better, look forward to rescheduling, even if you're so bummed about it.

I agree, you can't give them grief in return.

You have to take the high road and be like, it's not that person that rejected you before.

It's not that person that didn't like you.

Something came up and we all have curveballs in life, and you have to be understanding and you'll get more points if you handle it with class and understand versus being like really, I just got my hair blown out, or like really I just got a babysitter. It happens, and you're gonna want grace on the flip side when it happens to you.

Okay, so let's go off on that road because I have two and three more scenarios for you. But I wouldn't want to go off on that road because I know that you.

It's not a philosophy.

Your mo is like, let's say that someone likes you and you're texting and they don't text you for two days or something. You're a big give a benefit of the doubter. I have not really seen a lot of evidence of someone that doesn't text normally really liking someone.

I haven't seen it.

But I do agree with the fact that we get in our own heads and try to assign and determine what's going on. I don't know. You say, you never know what's going on, so I'm gonna how busy they are. I don't understand that, Like, I don't actually understand that because I'm an extraordinarily responsive person and the successful people that I know are extraordinarily responsive, So I don't actually understand it.

Yeah, I agree, because you could look at it both ways and it doesn't feel good when you're on the receiving end and someone is not showing you through their actions or words that they're showing you that you're special and that they're thinking of you. But I will say it depends on what you do also during the day, because there's some careers where the market's open, they're busy, there's like NonStop action going on, and they're just someone doesn't communicate during the day.

Yeah, it's figuring out.

Or sometimes people will go on a vacation with family and they're they have people all around, there's ears on them and there's no privacy where they're like, yes, you could text at night or something like that. But if you've got kids and there's so much going on, they might be like, I'm in Europe with my family vacation. I choose to plug into what I'm doing with my family and choose to wait to focus on dating after.

But it doesn't feel good.

And I always do preach that if you're into someone, let them know and make sure you communicate. But occasionally there are curve balls where business deals happening, they're in the middle of an ipo like whatever it might be, or they're sick, or they don't want to overshare what's happening with their kid, and they just are like, let me deal with what's going on, or they're just bad texts. There's a lot of people that are not good at texts.

You know nothing. Here's the thing.

If you meet someone they really like you, and they say like, i'd like to see you again, or when we see each other, going I can't wait to explain this to you whatever, I can't wait to see you again, or something like that.

What is the rule for you?

When should somebody be putting something on the board, even if they're on Mars but they know they're back in a month. When what is the window for when they should be putting something next actually tangibly on the board.

Yeah, it really depends on how much history you have beforehand. And I think you have to do what feels good to you, Like if you feel like you're being walked on or someone's not respecting your time or like your boundaries,

I just want to are we Are we going out again?

If not, just like let me know, kind of a thing Like I don't think there's anything wrong with being addressing it. I just think of the big conversation about wanting to change Shoman's behavior, like, hey, I really do like hearing from someone during the day or anything you want to modify behavior.

Men are not mind. They don't know.

They're actually simple, I don't mean simple creatures, but they really want to please. They like to be the hero, not the zero. If they do like you, they're the hunters. They will pursue you. But if there's a there's a there's a curve ball in their life. They're not good multitaskers. Women are awesome at being able to do everything, and we're like super heroes and everything.

Guys sometimes that they have, they could go inwards, they retreat, They have.

Different operating systems of how they're handling things, so it might not be personal, which is why if you want a different reaction from them, I always think in person is better because you could be context with it being like I agree really into you, but like I'm feeling like you're not good with the phone, but like I need a little organication and if you like me, I need that from you.

I think that the biggest, the smartest thing in personal and in business, in my life, in the texting world is do nothing. Meaning there's no upside if you like someone at all to saying something negative at all. So even if I don't even if I think that they're not participating and I don't love it, but I still sort of.

Am intrigued by them.

I And you know when your sense, like let's say someone sends you somebody like, hey, how's it going, and you're like, what the f you want to say to your friends?

What the fuck is this guy showed? What am I your pen pal?

And then but the way I that's what I say to my friends, what I say to that person is a little drop, a little cold, like not fully warm me. I'll be like, good, had a big this, did that, and I'm like, hope you're having a nice time. I frosted it just so I don't seem like A'm icy to do something to make it like I care what they're doing. But I don't really care what they're doing.

I don't blow it up with them. I want to blow it up.

I want to say, yeah, I'm not big on being a pempal, like that's what I want to say, but I won't say that. Yeah, just like you wouldn't do that with a job interview and be like, well you didn't call me back, so I guess I don't want this job anyway.

You would never do that, because then soone right.

Unfortunately, then he could say to someone like she was a real bitch and she was like angry and I was dealing with my dad had cancer and I was in you know, he just got to hospice and I didn't I thought I just met her. I didn't want to share that, and like she just totally overreacted and now you're the emotional crazy.

Person, yes, or the friend or you may what if you ever wanted to do business them or be friends with them, it's a exactly exactly and.

So like it's not it's not worth it.

But I do think having like that, that release to your friends, of like the comical value of being like what the fuck?

Like what the actual fuck? Like?

He does not deserve me, like go away is healthy. But you never know what they're dealing with. But I'm not saying be treated like poorly that stuff. We're not talking about that, correct, I'm not talking about that at all. That's that's fuck off and never speak to them again. There's no being treated poorly. That doesn't exist. That's not it.

You're not a doormat I'm talking about someone doesn't know you anything, but they're not like, they're not really pursuing you, and it's bothering you a little. I think you have to be quiet, yeah, rapid and frosting. And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why we have to try to not sleep with someone before you are one hundred percent positive they will be calling your texting you the next morning, because you'll go so low. That's the reason. It's not

Right, you have to always protect yourself.

Now on the flim side, if you're like I don't care if her calls or not, like you're not, don't make a habit of this.

But if it's liberating.

To you, Oh that's different, and you feel like you can handle it and you don't need the call the next day, then do what makes you happy.

I think most can't.

Even if someone doesn't like someone that much, I still and then they sleep with them. I still think it's gonna bother them. They don't get the I think we don't know ourselves as creatures as much as we think.

Most women.

Absolutely you want to be respected and called, and I still think you could have fun and play, But do the level of fun without hurting yourself.

Yeah, okay the next day.

Yeah, so scenario number two, which I actually, like you would maybe advise against, but it just happened naturally. I was out with my girlfriend. There had been a man who had been pursuing me to go to dinner, and he kept talking about this one specific place that he wanted to take me to that I had already been to, but it seemed like he was super excited about that place, and it was on like a you know, like let's

Sick and you don't want to go back.

I think you have to set yourself up for positivity because you could be discouraged from dating. You could be bummed you put on an outfit. You're like, oh, why is this person droning on for me. So this I didn't want to go on this date. I was going off my girlfriend to a day club like six to eight to some DJ. It sounds insane, but it was fun, and so I text this guy he had texted me, and I made it super casual. I said, well, we

I can afford a meal, but anyway.

So that's how that went, and for me, that was a no harm, no foul. I was in bed at ten o'clock. I was happy with that whole program, and I wanted to know your opinion on that decision.

No, I actually I think that was a smart move for someone like you who's busy. I do agree that you always hear the stories like I wasn't going to go out and didn't feel good or whatever, and then he went out. You met the man of your dream. So I think the fact that you went for it was good. I liked that it sounds like your wing woman was someone that was like pro you and because

So it sounds like you really have like a good friend.

So if you have a girlfriend that's also single, I'm not saying it's a different scenario. Think through because you need it for yourself and not that you don't want to be a good girlfriend, but like you just you know, can't date both of you. So if you're worried about that, then I would say, don't do that, but it sounded like you were on the fence.

You weren't sure he was all for it.

I don't think it's good if someone asks you out to then say I have a friend.

But it happened casually. It wasn't connected.

We had not had plans on Saturday because of them, I think going on and then it was just hey, this is odd, but we're going there if you want to meet us, like super casual.

So that I love that, and I think it's good because I also think it's good for you to see how that person reacts, like right away with someone that you like, trust that person can see you in more of a social fun way. I think it takes away less pressure, and I think it's brilliant because now you've got to water a girlfriend and meet a guy and then deciding to like him and a little bit. It's like a drive by but a little bit more elegance

Well, I think with anything, it has to land because you're gonna think I'm nuts, but like I'm moving and I'm in the middle of a lot of stuff going on, and so I've been spending time with my friends and like immersing into Florida. My two best friends live there, so that was my one best friend. These are both from high school. So the next day it's great. There had been another guy that I had blown off right, so now he kept reaching out to me.

So I just did a throwaway. I'm like, well, I'm with my friend. I'll let you know.

I think we're gonna go here if you want to meet us. So it's crazy, and I am fresh out of the ocean.

I go.

I am ocean to table, Like know what you're walking into. We've been at the beach all day, just had a margaret, like a drink. We're ocean to table. And thank god, this guy had seen me looking good at another thing, which is when we first met. So he showed up and walked in and had an energy and a charisma and was dressed well and brought me and amazing.

He brought me like.

Crabs and a pie for my daughter and brought a crazy, elaborate, very expensive gift for me, said was a housewarming gift. And my friend was like, what the fuck? This guy's amazing and so is our partner, like what? And then we had a really nice and it was only like an hour long. Then I was ready and I was like, I do want to go out with this guy? And

But you it has to land. You can't be like I have my mind. You made that.

Yeah, you made that guy feel special, because like it's one thing if you have a guy and then you're too busy talking to your friend, but it's making sure he's inclusive, including the conversation and it's plugged in versus like he doesn't feel awkward. So yeah, it sounds like you did a really good job of incorporating him where he was also part of the focus. And again with a girlfriend with the best friend knows you, loves you, has your back, wants the best for you, not like

But it sounds like you did that brilliantly.

I also think it doesn't have to be Sometimes people get offended if it's not just a dinner date. Like it could be a brunch, it could be a walk on the beach. It does not need to be just a dinner date.

By the way, I'm big by the way, I love that you said that because the guy the night before. I don't know why. My gut was I did not want to. It's not like my saturdays are coveted. I'd be home meeting pop tarts. It's that I just did not want to put on the dress, blow dry the hair, sprits perfume, go out to a nice restaurant, walk in, and be like, fuck, this is not going to be it.

It's another human being. You're getting your steps in your walk.

Yes, it's actually so fun and it could be super romantic, and there's always could be another date loocause sometimes you will get bombed out like oh, this person can only do this, and it's like we have just this high success rate of people meeting for a brunch, breakfast lunch, like it doesn't have to be that.

Or like it hasn't been set yet as a major thing, and to be like, I know this is crazy, but I'm with my friends. We're getting marguerite. To your point, again, no one's going to screw you over and whatever. You have to take that chance. But yeah, to your I'm with my friends on the beach, or she's your husband if you want to stop by sack guy like, I think that's very open and also shows that you have a social life.

Absolutely, but again, make sure you're not overserved so by the time they get there.

That you're like plaid. That's a great note.

Make sure you don't ignore them, and then make sure you're not flirting with other guys right you're there there, right now, so they feel like, whoa, this girl's like a party girl, like I want something serious.

These are great now, you play it right to do that. These are great.

If you can, then you could pull it off and you could win that way. Great people always realize, like, don't pout. There could always be another date. But if you're pouting and already seem disappointed on this date, you're not going to get the next date. So play it right.

On this date and it will lead to another date. That's fair.

Okay, great, all right, I guess let's call this like not tradition. Let's call this episode like non traditional dating, Like this is like a non traditional model, And I think that that is smart because not everything. Yeah, I do like that. I like to take a walk. I like, yes, the brain because someone might not want to hike. Someone might want want to tell you that I want to go like water, what is it called wakeboarding?

The other thing you have to be careful about is if you're going to do something active, you still have to look cute. You can't just put no effort into looking cute to go on after date. I've gotten so many complaints when people are like she like we could go on and walk, but like she looked like she was like a hot mess.

Like still look cute.

I'm not saying you have to be full glam, but put on something that you feel good and that you look cute.

It it's your cute workout outfit.

It's your little outfit that's intentional for getting coffee.

Yeah, which is actually better than anything.

It's your cute getting coffee outfit. Yes, I get exactly what you're talking about.

You got to put some effort into it, but then it it actually works your favor and because it's so unexp back to have fun, it's like clean, squeaky clean fun.

It could totally work to your favorite.

Plus with the endorphins of working out and getting your steps, and people are in such good moods.

I like it. I like it a lot. I like it a lot. I love you, thank you so much.