Hi, Hi, how are you.
Oh, I'm good. I'm really okay. I'm actually decently rested, which is great, and things are okay good, Yeah, look good, thank you. Okay. So this is Brack. We've spoken him before. I don't like the term life coach, but that's what he is. But it's sort of like a term that gets shade because it seems like sort of faux spiritual, touchy feely, weird, seminar ish. But Brack is actually a life coach. He's the real deal.
I'm almost trained myself to kind of listen to what people aren't saying, right, but you know that that's what's behind the scenes, so that I can so that I can direct people, and I really clear way of kind of are they doing the right thing with the right person in the right situation.
Because they're presenting to you off of what they want you to hear, but you're seeing what is.
I'm listening to. I'm listening to what they're not saying. A lot of times that makes sense. Yeah, so I think that's probably a good probably good you know, entree to the conversation.
Okay, so some reason, not for some reason, but there's this convergence in things that I think about and talk about with like personal relationships that are maybe not romantic to romantic relationships to business. And the reason I say that is why you know, it's not just that getting married and signing a document is a business arrangement, but it is there. It's a deal that two people make
and what are they bringing to the table. And because I'm so knowledgeable in business and I am actually knowledgeable in relationships too, but been more successful in business, I know that they're not the same and you can't approach them the same way. And coaches will say that often people that are good in business think that they can
approach them the same way. But there are some things that I do see in like metaphorically and analogy analogies like saying if someone else is not meeting you where you're at, or meeting you fifty percent at some points and I'm sure will ebb and flow, then it might
not be the right relationship. And I find that in business you could end a partnership in a similar way that you feel you might want to end a partnership in relationships, like wait, I'm the giving tree, I'm giving and the other person is taking but not I'm not getting back what I'm giving, Like, there's no not as much of an ROI. So do you agree with that there are similarities?
Yeah, No, I think that there's absolutely similarities. First all, I have human beings involved, and so those those contracts can be absolutely similar and intersect in terms of you know, similar applications. The component of what did Plato say years ago, thousands of years ago that love is a grave mental disease,
So it offers up a whole other component. Though in a relationship you will stay a lot of times a lot longer than you might stay in a business partnership, right, you know, You'll you'll have kids involved, so you'll think, well, what's the what's the right to decision? Is it best to leave a situation that's bad for the kids? Is it best to stay in this situation for the kids. So there's there's a lot more nuances that take place.
It doesn't mean that the financial aspects of a business partnership, you know, or an in relationship don't come into play. They're just I just think there they are really two different animals, right and and and as you said, to your point that a lot of times people who feel that they've got an expertise in one area, think they've got an expertise in another area, right, and they actually don't.
You know. So you've got to kind of know where you where you lead, where you follow, where you you need to collaborate, where you need to let go of something. But you know, I think we use to say mapplic we're successful if there's if we're successful in business, we use that application and relationships and they don't necessarily work.
I would say, if you have a football coach, given that, you know, got the Super Bowl coming up, right, who's screaming and yelling, going, you know, at his players and talking to them in a particular right, there's a particular contract about that, right, Well, if he goes home and
does the same thing, right, you know. It's so it's really understanding the differences and the nuances and how to apply that and having that mobility in mental mobility, emotional mobility, so you can actually you know, shift and people are you know, and people can get pretty singular.
And I think sometimes some of the concepts in some of the takeaway that people like you or a dating coach or a matchmaker or a therapist give, it's kind of like religion, where if you if you like, you say like if it works for you that if cilantro is working in the recipe for you, great, If not, throw it out, will try something else, like it doesn't. Just like medicine, you could be on one thing for antidepression. It could work, it could not work, and then it
could not work after a while. It's like, you know anything else that works for you or doesn't? So what this dating coach who came on this show said something that resonated with me and my audience, which was, if you're dating or guess let's say getting into a relationship, you want to get into a relationships, you are the CEO, and you are hiring for this position. He would say
to both sides the same thing. He's not talking to two people in a couple's relationship in that way, he's coaching one person, but if you were coaching the other person, he would be saying the same thing because he believes that. I think what he's saying is that people are just accepting so much that they don't deserve because they're not seeing clearly when it comes to relationships. Meaning let's say that you are hiring for this position. It's very important
to you. Whatever the position is, it's going to help your overall life. Your business life, will help your personal life and the way you feel every day. And I know that from personal experience with people that I work with in business, it can really drag you down and it can really like affect your life. And if I'm strict about someone that I'm hiring for the position that I've said that I know what it is, and I've
sometimes broken that diet. Sometimes beforehand I've been like, well, this person can't do this and they can't do that, but they gave good interview, and then you end up unhappy. And so he believes that you should treat your dating life that way, meaning they're supposed to come in and if they're not doing the things that would fulfill that role that you've already said that you know that you need,
then then they should be fired. That's how he feels, not maybe in marriage, because you've already have those other elements, but like you're dating, what do you think about that?
No, I mean, I think that's I think that's pretty spot on in terms of what you're looking at. I'd probably would. I mean, like all of us are probably doing terminology to that rather than say so, I mean, I think that people, you know, a lot of times are just as to his point, are accepting, well, someone wants me, so that's good enough, right, that's right, that's enough due diligence for me to actually, you know, say okay,
that's fine. And you can see that how problematic it is down the road, right, that not using enough of their own voice, their own discernment to determine is this really good fit? And then chemistry comes in is involved. So a lot of times I think things are dysfunctional chemistry like oh I'm not enough ful, great, I'm great,
and let's get together. Right. So you know, so those elements people make choices based on really inaccurate data, right, A lot of times there they'll they'll commit to a lifetime just based on chemistry when maybe that down the road is going to be really problematic. Right, And and you know we talked about that in the last session, where charm like after two years you want to kill
the person, you know, bait and it comes nauseating. So so you know, I think that's what kind of like age gives you a little bit more when you're young, you'll just commit to your expectations and you're and what you want or what you think you want rather than what might be actually really sustainable and grows and gets better over time.
Well, that's why what you were saying in the beginning about what someone's not saying. So what I didn't say, which was the original TikTok I was talking about, was the comments someone said. Let's say, I'm paraphrasing, but I think it was exactly this, like, don't date who you want them to be. Yeah, so what about that? Because do people change? Do they not change? Can you? What if you do have amazing chemistry, But it's more than chemistry.
What if the person is like minded, they are going in the same direction, they have the same feeling about family, or there are a lot of things that's not just wanting to have sex with them, but there are some key fundamentals. Is what if someone is what if I want to change? What if they want to change? How much can people actually change or not at all?
Well, I mean, first of all, I mean that's the business. I mean, I'm the business of change. I mean in a very concrete way. But I also think it's legitimate when people say, well you know people don't really change. I think both both of those questions, even though seem contradictory, are correct. What heads, So.
Let's get into that because I agree, but I want to I think that's why I'm saying it, because I believe people can evolve or change. But then also I think someone that you can't make a dog a cat. So we're saying the same thing. But I want like to break it down with you because I think it's an important thing that people run around circles in their heads convincing themselves and really don't know the actual answer or the exceptions.
So to answer, to get into it, or to break it down. There's there's certain stimulus of course, that prompts change. Health breakdowns can prompt or change financial problems. The fires, yes, are prompting in extraordinary change. Now you know LA has got great resilience. But you know we got to work on sustainability. Can we sustain the generosity the community to build the dream from a different context? Right? So the only thing, the only way that something changes is something's
more important than something else. Yes, So yes, that is the key. So sobriety is more important than you know, drinking or alcohol or whatever, or that you know, character is more important than reputation. So something has to be more important than something else, and there can be stimulus.
Is to that, I was just, oh my god, I love you so much. Okay, great, I'm excited we're going in this direction.
So stimulus can as I said, it could be healthy, financial can be another person, like I love this person so much, I'm willing to do what it takes without a compromising your essence.
You're saying the effective. Something has to happen for something to happen. So it could be the fires, It could be someone hits rock bottom. It could be someone does it realizes what it's like to be without the other person they need. But there needs to be a stimulus program. It can't just be because otherwise people get atrophied in that dynamic, right, like of what it is, you're eating junk, you're unhealthy, and you're the wife sitting by watching your
husband kill themselves. Whatever it is.
Yes, so there has to be some prompt okay that allows for that change, and it has to be important enough that you feel like and because people will make outther therapy twice or they may go see a coach a few times. But to have that sustain you really
do have to do whatever it takes. Now, why this is so difficult for people when people say, well not, no one really changes because that voice in your head after you've taken a few actions, if you don't see immediate results, a lot of people they don't go back to their original behavior.
Or you might see immediate results and think I'm done, I'm cured, let's go. I don't need it.
Any dat as well, So to really make a change, because the voice in most people sads is like, Okay, if you make this change, you're also going to lose you know, your your talents, your qualities, your your abilities. You know, we talk about the charm. If I if I intervene in charm for integrity, I'm going to lose all my you know, skills.
Or if I stop drinking, I won't be fun and entertaining.
I won't be entertaining, right. I think there was a Seinfeld so like fun yeah, fun bad Yeah, right, like hey fun, Bobby is coming over. Well he stopped drinking and he's no fun.
Right, So that was the Housewives entire a lot of.
But that's but that's a myth. By the way. As far as i'm I think that if you really introduce change, and you really make those changes, it enhances all your qualities. It enhances all your existing qualities. I think it's a myth that you're going to lose those things.
I do too, and I also think that this is why I'm making parallels. In business. You could have a business partner that's good in many ways, but maybe it's the way they speak to you, or maybe it's the dynamic. So let's say you are the personally what you're saying.
Building great teams. That's been one of my you know, one of my intentions and specialties is to build great teams. You'll know that the lane that they're in, and they know how to stay in their lane, and how to work with other people in their lane, and all of those kinds of dynamics make a successful business.
Of course, by the way, this synergy is the whole thing, and often it comes in unlikely packages. Meaning my greatest partnerships are my partnership with Michael, my relief work partner, and David Kambar, my Skinny Girl partner. And I want to kill them both like I want to, and I have wanted to kill them both, that they wanted to kill me both. But they both have the right temperament for me and vice versa, and their opposites in many ways.
And they let me be who I am and I've let them be who they It's just interesting, but they are completely No one ever set us up for business or for relief. I found them on my own. Ever. Really, you and this personality should be together. Never.
Yeah, And that's been that's been true. That's been true for me as well, both in in my relationship, in my marriage as well as in my business partnerships. If you left it up to kind of my ego or what I thought was the perfect match, yeah, we would have never picked those people.
Interesting, Okay, so that's great. So so you're the person who wants the other person to change. You're the person whose husband drinks too much. You're the person who doesn't. They don't think remember you on the anniversary of the flowers they're taking you for granted, you're the giving tree. People say someone has to change on their own. But like you're saying, but that doesn't mean we're going to sit in the definition of insanity. I'm married to you,
and we're going to keep making the same mistake. So there has to be the stimulus. So it has to be what that the one person is going to be self respecting enough or in their business saying I am going to own my part and I'm going to do fifty percent, but I'm not going to do ninety percent. So when I am only doing fifty percent, the partnership will suffer and the other person will realize, like, where
does that stimulus come from? For that person that wants to change the other person but knows that you can't change another person, they have to change themselves.
But before before that, I think think we have to you have to determine when you're looking on your kind of forging out of partnership, proposing whatever you're doing, you have to really have a set I mean, like.
You're saying someone's going to propose marriage. I have to decide that's the right person.
Okay. You have to have a strong sense of does this person have the ability to fulfill in that area? Really you really have to know that so so that they're complimentary skills. So, I mean, I think a lot of times our expectations are unrealistic because that person's never going to be there's certain people are really brilliant at math, and certain people are great, you know, just like you know, are great entrepreneurs, and certain people are great at executing
other people's intentions. And people can originate ideas. A lot of times people want to be what they're not, or they want to keep trying to provide what they don't have. So I think a lot of times in those relationships, you know, people are having really unrealistic expectations of what the person can actually fulfill on and then they get frustrated with that. And in most and in dating, people are promoting things that they're not necessary, that are necessarily true.
You know, they're morning, they're showing, they're putting the best foot forward. So so I think that kind of like doing that due diligence and understanding, Oh you know this is this person's really great at emotional access, this person is really great at you know, providing you know, creative and creative expression, and understanding that so that you have complimentary skills.
And the reason it's very different with business too, is that in business, in many cases, people want to make money. Yeah, turn the brand. It's three things you want to do. You want to either have generational wealth and pass this businesses on to your kids. You have a great idea, you want to sell the brand, you want to you know, employ a bunch of people, You're going to send it all to already cash out whatever. There's five options of
what real true entrepreneurs want with a relationship. Are you healing your relationship with your mother? Do you just not want to be alone? Do you want to be rich? Do you want to have good sex? Do you want to be with a hot guy or girl? Do you want Luck's goods? Like, there's a thousand different things, And how do people determine what's supposed to be the most important for them versus what their parents want, or what society wants, or what they think they want? Like, is
someone supposed to write a list? Like what are people supposed to do to decide what they actually want?
Well, I mean i've I mean I have found or I'm not saying this is necessarily true, it's just something. It's just my experience is that a relationship is really
designed for evolution. And that's what I see. So that means, okay, your own personal evolution, the collective evolution of the two people, or polyamorous relationships, the collective evolution of that as well as the procreation of the species, like you know that we leave you know, we're leaving people better off, like our children are better than we.
Were, right, Okay, yeah, so if which is which is literally evolution?
So if that's the context, okay, with that as a context, right, because people go into most relationships to be happy, and I think that's a setup for a disaster, right because at some point that wonkret But if you go and committed to evolution, meaning that that everyone has some sort of trauma on some level major B, then there's a hierarchy to trauma, of course, but something that they bring they bring in. They bring in skills, passions, traumas, interests,
you know, all kinds of nuances. And usually in a relationship those things become highlighted like oh, you know, I can't complete anything, or I can't make something happen, or I'm not a good cook, I don't know whatever. Those traumas might manifest as, and we usually indict each other for the things that were not and in a relationship rather than no, those are those are getting revealed in an intimate relationship. As soon as you're in a committed relationship,
the issues come up for everyone. Right, you know, I'm not enough. I mean, I'm not wanted, I'm not desired. I need to work really hard, you know. You know I've got all these different different aspects that come up, all these traumas that get revealed in a healthy relationship. You allow for those you didn't give the person the trauma, you didn't give the person the issue, but you certainly are revealing it. There's no question that it's getting exacerbated.
In an intimate relationship. Every one of us, you know, gets to see ourselves really clearly if we're looking, you know, through that lens of the other person.
So give me an example, like, let's do an example that we're in I'm in a relationship with you. What what what happens?
So so I'm not going to go to all my total personal history, but no, no, no, no, just me. But there's there's things that I came in where I'm completely I'm controlling. So I'll just do it controlling. It goes my way or the highway. I don't have a lot of guilt, And they're all kind of there are dysfunctional affects that have come from a trauma, right, so I can you're selfish, Yeah, so I come in there. I
have to find someone who's sacrificial. That's the chemistry of most of those kinds of relationships, right, So someone sacrificial and so those things keep you know, combining. So she or he betting En here with is generating more resentments as time goes on.
I was gonna say, because you're not evolving either, because you're being able to just like go.
At thermometer, so just don't know.
And the same muscle you're not working at any muscle, that's the muscle you always have worked out, and maybe that person is doing the same thing. Then no one's growing, that's what exactly.
So that's so each person is now banging on each other right then, looking to see how my control issues are getting more and more heightened and revealed in that situation. Then I sit down and go, god, I guess can't believe you know how much it needs to go my way? And I get to share more about that, so I have more relationship with that so I can work that out.
The other person gets to see like, oh, I never speak up, I never say anything, I never ask for anything, you know, But now it's spitting in the person's food basically.
So, but what happens if you find the person that is not accepting the way that you are, But now it's constant pushback, you having to question yourself. So now you're in a battle. One is atrophy, one's a battle.
So that's why I say, I think a really great relationship both people have to be committed to their own evolution. Ah they do.
I'm going to meet in the middle. But it's what I said, meeting half what You're meeting someone one way.
If you're the only person that's doing it right and the other person thinks their point of view is the point of view, it's a death sentence. Interesting, there's nothing more painful than when you're trying to get to be heard, seen, express and someone has their own point of view that wasn't even allow for that that you're just gonna You're just get frustrated, leave or kill the person something. So yeah, both people have to be you know, admitted to that
right now. And and I think when I look at really great relationships, you know people that's that's naturally kind of going on. You know, some people are actively doing that, but some people that's just kind of organic. And then you see each person's skills being kind of shared. Right, Someone's more, you know, more available emotionally or has more room that way, can diffuse arguments better. Someone else, you know, is more creative, you know, can can generate more. And
then you watch the complementary aspects of those take place. Uh, and it looks really fluid in that way. But but most people don't commit to evolution. They commit to their expectations. They commit to concepts.
By the way, that's you and this dating coach would actually do great work together. He says the same. He says, you meet someone. He says it in a more eloquent way because I don't remember the exact tart words, but he's saying, you meet someone, and now you're immediately in a relationship with your expectations of what this was, what their dating profile was, what they what their name is, where they're from. Like, you're already completely ahead of yourself instead of just being in exactly.
What's in front of you. Yeah, and I mean expectations what you're saying, and that is that is I mean
that is not an easy that's a and that's a discipline. Right, there's some sort of discipline to make sure that you're actually listening with the person you're with and understanding you know what, you know, what their deficiencies are, what their sufficiencies are, you know, having a full blown relation, and it doesn't take away the romance, doesn't take away the creativity, you know, it actually allows for it all the time.
Right, what do you think? So? I think that I I think that love is probably a dangerous word because everybody places so much emphasis on either that feeling or that word and when like, so people will be like, but she loves me, Like I know she loves me, but it's like, okay, but she loves you, but how is she treating you? Or but she loves me? Okay, but don't you have to love yourself? Because if she loves you but you still are not happy, are you loving yourself?
Like?
I think the word love is a very uh loaded word because it becomes something that people just rely on and then they don't have to do everything else. Well, I love her, I do love her? Okay, great, so back it up? So what about that?
You know the expression love conquers all right, Yeah, that's a dangerous right right right, because it looks because you put all the onus on love, as you just said, to handle everything.
Love is the answer. Love wins. It's not It isn't right.
Love is a portal to you know, real work that needs to be done have a successful relationship. Right, So there has to be a foundation of how you feel about the person, how you care about the person. You know, what's there that a glue that will that will keep you together during difficult times. But then on top of that all the work I said of evolution, communication, understanding, be able to hear something, see someone right. You know a lot of people don't feel seen at all in
a relationship or don't feel heard. And so love is a love is a I can consider it a found foundational aspect, but I certainly don't consider it the entire story, right, And so it can be and and if you're a romantic that can you know you're you're counting saying.
It's the foundation of the house. But you do need window treatments.
Flooring, like you know, all of that, right, And I think that's where you know, we've been sold the mythology that love conquers all and and then we have tons of programming that that support that, right, and and you know, I mean I think that then people don't do the
work that's required. And I'm always saying because you know, they got people have these sayings like, well, you know, if if it was really working, you know, I mean, you know, which should it shouldn't be this difficult, right, you know, love should take care of But I'm saying, what, it's the only thing you know that doesn't require work. Everything that requires some sort of you know, work, discipline,
you know, commitment. You just need to know that you're not spinning your wheels, that the work you're doing is growing, developing, going somewhere. And that's the same in a business relationship and a partnership, and there's signs for that as an intimate relationship. You don't want to be doing this spinning your wheels and spending your wheels and getting no traction at all in either a business relationship or an intimate relationship. So knowing that it's going somewhere is essential.