Hello, I'm good. How are you? Nice to meet you?
Nice to meet you. I love the woolpaper.
It's brand new. I'm so happy you said it. The reason I was a few minutes late. This is the first time I've ever recorded in this new space, and I'm feeling myself and so this is Valentine's Day, but this is my new wallpaper. Yay.
I'm so happy you complimented me.
Well, I'm glad that I noticed that. And I love love, so of course i'd see that.
Well, that's a great way to start.
So I saw something of yours and I forwarded it to my team and said, can you book this guy? I don't even remember what I saw, so we'll get there eventually. But what would you say you specialize in? Would you your your your life coach? You are a therapist? Like, what is your background? What do you call yourself? If you're on a plane with someone?
Well, out there in the world, I'm known more as the mind architect. I don't particularly like the Monica life coach. I think it's sort of somewhat diluted, but agreed, the mind architect is something that I generated necessity being the mother of invention. I felt there was a void, and it felt appropriate that I'm re architecting people's in a thinking space. So my product is freedom. I'm bringing people freedom from all of their limitations, fears, and constraints.
I've been hearing a lot somehow I've met. I've ended up on the attachment style side of TikTok, and I find it fascinating and I never even knew about it, Like I'm loving this. What I am loving about social media is the access to different people's opinions about self help, like, for example, Mel Robbins right now, my friend Mark basically Caultrey said, she's like the Rachel Ray of like wellness right now in the sense that she's sort of dumbing
it down, chewing it up and digesting it. So people, So the average person who's not even interested in this type of stuff normally can talk about it, which I think is great. You know, it's like sort of like fortune cookie self help. I mean, it's like the comap for meditation. We don't all have to go to India and know, you know, be silent for three months. And I think that's a positive move in the right direction, I think, and I would say it's probably tricky for
people to be listening to everything everyone's saying. But like anything else, it's like listening to cooking recipes. You can get a bunch of different advice. You're gonna end up doing what you think is right, or if something speaks to you and you could throw the rest away. But there are these new things that aren't new, but that are new in the vernacular. And I heard it first from because I have a dating podcast, and I heard it first from a dating a matchmaker, and was like,
tell them that you your attachments. I think it was like to tell my therapist or to ask my therapist about this, that your dating style is anxious attachment. I had never heard about it, but the minute I heard what the words, I was like, that tracks like you want to feel safe at all times. You want to know where you are, where you stand. You're not good
with like sporadic communication. And so because of talking about this, I started, you know, people think about someone else's sign, their color, personality, whatever, And I started thinking about how people are compatible with attachment styles, and I think it's fascinating and I wanted to ask you does everybody have one or some people only have like the dismissive, avoidant, or the anxious, like the ends of the spectrum and the person in the middle is fine.
It doesn't need to be a signed one.
I mean, I'm not a traditionally trained therapist, so I don't really use those terminologies. I look at it more energetically. But I think that runs the gamut. Right. You've got the people who are incredibly attached and dependent, the codependency that we see in relationships, and then you have people who are more aloof and that's their way of surviving. I'm much more interested in overcoming all of it. Right, So rather than classifying yourself like, oh, your pisces or
your virgo, which I understand. I enjoy astrology and all of those things. I think these more subtle emotional and behavioral tendencies they can all be transcended if you're committed to being a potent, powerful human being. That's what I'm interested in, right.
Otherwise it's a crutch.
You're hanging on to that thing and saying you get an excreuse, that's my thing, and now I get to be that and I am that. It's like saying I'm a commitment phobic, or these labels that people. So you don't like any of these labels because they box you in.
Yeah. So that's what I do, is I help transcend all of the constraints, because that's still a constraint. It's an enabling behavior where you're basically not wanting to be accountable for something, which is where you're dismissing your own power as a human being. So I'm in the camp of full responsibility for your existence, which not everybody wants.
Wow.
Well, no, it's very alive, and it's very present and it's very honest.
Wow.
Okay, interesting And how what about the reason I asked this? Six My mother passed away in April was very very complicated relationship. But I feel that once your parents pass away, it's a very profound experience in a positive way. And it's hard for people to say and admit that, but you become a different person. You become because you talk about freedom. I think in ways, even if you had a great relationship with your parents, I think in ways,
it is freeing. I want to know what you think about, like what you talk about and think about death.
I love death, as I was saying around suicide, you know, like I don't want people to take their lives. I've helped many people not do it. In fact, one of my most popular posts on my Instagram is where I speak about this distinction about like suicide isn't the death of you, but rather than the death of the part of you that no longer serves you. Right. So I love death because again I say that in order to be fully alive, you have to constantly die to the
olbitteration of yourself. So I love the topic. Again, it tends to be taboo, and that's why people don't look at it because there's so much fear. Your comment about your mom and the death of parents. My mom died of cancer when I was seven and then my dad and my dad went to work when I was seventeen. I was an only child, so it was just me and my dad at that point, and he worked on the ferries. I grew up in England, and he worked on the boats that went between Dover in England and
Calais in France and then Zayberger in Belgium. And they carry cargo and they carry people going on vacations with caravans or whatever. And he was on a boat the capsides with about fifteen hundred people on it, like you know, it's like a cruise liner, and he was sadly one of close to two hundred people that died.
So you were an orphan it's seventeen correct.
Yeah, yeah, wow, that's wild. That's really wild that I would instinctively want to have you on and not even knowing really anything about you, but just hearing you speak for two seconds, and that I've pretty much been an orphan my whole entire life. I'm also an only child. But that I would just say that to you and ask you about that when I never really ask anybody.
I've never asked anyone about that. I've talked about it, but I think it's weird that I've never asked anybody about it and now you like walk into it and it's like that.
So that's energetic to me? Do you believe in all of that?
The energy and like being connected and you being hearing me saying that for that reason, Like, that's weird to me.
One hundred percent. I mean that's the realm of trafficking, right with vibrational beings. I mean everything, ultimately, as Tesla said, comes down to energy, frequency and vibration. So so yeah, so I cite those in terms of my own experience so that I could address your question, which is, yes, I know, especially after the death of my mom. I was such a good little boy, you know, I was such a well behaved, quintessential perfect child that if my dad was still alive, I wouldn't And again it's all
hypothetical because it's not what happened. But I wouldn't have become the man I am today because I would have still been caught under the auspices of my own It's my own, not his interpretation of who he thought or I thought he wanted me to be right. So that's where most children get stuck, even though they're adults, which
is why, as you said, people do experience some liberation. Yeah, there's grief, but they ultimately feel free, often when their parents die, because what happens is that narrative that was within them associated with their parents now can be let go of. There is a form of liberation and freedom that occurs, so in ways that I didn't fully comprehend. Obviously when all of this happened, I didn't want my
dad to die. Of course, I nonetheless recognized from a soul contract that in order for me to do what I do and help find freedom for millions of people around the world. I had to go through that myself. That was my rite of passage so that I could step into what it meant. You know, at the beginning, it was pure survival, but then ultimately I found my own rais on detra and I found my own purpose.
And as I said, it's about being completely free, and now I can help people find that even though their parents are still.
Alive, whether positive or negative, you relateationship was with the parents, like, it doesn't have to be that it was bad or good.
It is.
I mean, I only know the bad, but it is and was freeing, and like you, I talked about it and I had a very emotional podcast that was like
a real like gut wrenching. But I did think it helped a lot of people because I just don't think it's something that people talk about enough, and I was going through the experience, so I made sure to talk about it as I was going through it completely freed and probably not what most people would think is at a time when you'd be speaking about it, But that was why I thought it was important because we can package it later, but it's different when you're going through and it's happening.
You know, well that's the original, you know. To go back to adult relationships, romantic relationships, our relationship with our parents is the initial codependency relationship that we learn, right because as kids, we are dependent, we are powerless, we are helpless, we are weak, we don't have resources, and so that energetic dynamic, that attachment tends to propagate into
adult relationships. It is their initial wound. And what people don't realize is as one of the first traumas that we all experience without it being a trauma, is we abandon ourselves because as an agreement, albeit unspoken, that as a child, we decide that we will be who we think the parent wants us to be in order to stay safe, because they're the ones that provide.
The thing is I there are so many people in parental and familial relationships that have a nice package. To your point about the thirty five or fifty years of marriage has a nice package they get to have. They have the resume. My parents are together for fifty years, it was me and my brother whatever, and a lot of these people because of the things going on inside the house, a lot of it's like the parents fought
but like with in the other rooms. So they thought the kids didn't realize they stayed together quote unquote for the kids, but they were miserable, like the kids do. Feel like there's a lot of I've noticed a lot of people that are really really fucked up that came from a really good environment, and when you unpack it and go deeper, it wasn't that great. They just don't get to say that they had issues because it looked perfect. You know, like maybe you have parents that never really
emoted at all. They just didn't. They're not people that emote whatsoever. But everything looked good and everybody was dressed perfectly and everybody did what they we supposed to. That seems like a prison to me for the way that I live. At least all the craziness was right out in the open. I could see it, and so it's a little more freeing.
Yeah, one hundred percent self express right, you know. The it doesn't matter who I've worked with, they could have had the most idea copy aesthetic childhood that looks on paper, like you said, like it's perfect. And then I've got people who were sadly molested by their own father, and you know, really heinous and abhorrent things that have happened to children. It doesn't really matter as far as I'm concerned.
As long as you're here as a human in this dimension of planet Earth, you've got shit to deal with. It doesn't matter what happened. That's the actual dimension of what it is to be human. We arrive with these constraints, these fears and limitations, and the game of being human is to break free. That's it. And you are going to be given the list of characters and these NPCs and whatever you need to be able to get triggered to basically evolve and recognize, without sounding too poetic, your
own divine nature. That's the game. Whereas most people play the human game right, which is, oh, well, I want to find a partner, I want to go from a studio apartment to a house and then a place in the suburbs. I want to make more money, I want to get more followers. And there's this exognous game that people are playing where they're trying to control circumstances. That to me, that's where people are misguided. It's got nothing to do with that. It's all about the internal revelation
of yourself. That's it.
Yeah, I think you know, my daughter has an incredible life and I'm very emotionally available and I'm emotionally intelligent and the advice and nurtured and we have a great but by the way, I'm a famous person and it's a lot going on and it's a different life, and who knows how if she'll be fucked up because of that or not, Like we can't just everyone's got Yeah.
I just think that people that grew up in normal quote unquote normal household don't get their flowers enough for being able to have plight and issues because you don't know what's going on beneath the surface is what you know, you don't know what I mean.
It doesn't matter who it is, how ideal like it looks like on the surface. All the form the manifest world is irrelevant. All of it is a catalyst to reveal where are you internally as a human being living from what I consider the current way that we function as humans is from limitation, fear, suffering, disease, and dysfunction. That's the current operating system that we have. And I'm introducing people to the operating system on the other side
of that. So regardless of how available you are or how beautiful kind you are, emotionally intelligent you are, for your daughter, no, no slight to you, She's still going to have to go through whatever she has decided to go through as a soul in this paradigm.
That's it, exactly.
Yeah, So that's the good news, right because on both sides. You know, one of the things that I deal with with a lot with parents is that guilt, the shame, right, the mum guilt, and it's like, Okay, you can only do the best you can within the realm of awareness
that you have. So that's the thing that I want, you know, parents to understand, is you're going to be limited by your own awareness, by your own sense of conditioning, by your own patterns, and so to take the load off and the pressure that you could fuck up your children, like a lot of parents worry about. Yeah, you don't want to be, you know, a bitch or an asshole as a father, or the disciplinarian or someone who's mercurial
and raises their voices and God forbid you hit children. No, I don't condone that, but at the end of the day, your children, their souls with their own journey that they will curate for their own benefits, so that they can evolve and discover their own true nature. That's the game. So you're more guides as parents, as opposed to to thinking that's all incumbent upon you to make sure that your children are kind of molly coddled and covered in cotton wool.
It just as well, that's also its own fucked up problem.
I was talking to two people yesterday in a podcast that's everyone wants to wrap their kids in bubble wrap.
And that's another. That's another.
The pendulum is we know so much that the pendulum is gone in the opposite direction. You know, I was raised and be pregnant, drink wine, smoke a cigarette, Let you get out the back door, and hope you see them at eight o'clock. Like that's right, that was what that was the generation I didn't even have that. I didn't have parents that would be there at eight o'clock. But we you know, everyone wants everyone and I some time.
At one appearance, I was asked the question that I've been asked a million times about the work life mom life balance, and I just realized in that moment on stage talking to like a thousand people. I'm here right now, and I'm present in what I'm doing, and this is as important to me and as much a part of who I am as being a parent, and in this dating thing that I was explaining to before about running
into all these men, so many men. And I've said this a bunch of times in this podcast, want a cookie for like, I'm a very involved dad, and they want you to really know. And their kid could call about a belt, they're buying a mall and they jump off because kids come first. The kids come first, And I'm like, you know, my child comes first. If something's going on, my child isn't first every second she's not in diapers. Like if I'm in an appearance, I'm in
an appearance. There are boundaries. And even with men that are like, oh, I've never introduced someone to my child, I'm like, oh, good for you. My daughter has met people four dates in doesn't mean we're getting married, doesn't mean anything. But sometimes she'll have an opinion if she likes them.
She doesn't.
Everyone puts these this big emphasis on what they believe is being like the best parent, And like I said at this appearance, It's equally as important to me to be a good parent as it is to be a good business person as it is to meet someone. If I don't meet someone and I don't have a partnership, I'm not going to feel good about the fact that I'm going to be the cat lady sitting at home
waiting for my daughter to come visit me on Thanksgiving. Like, I want to have a full life, and I think you're the most healthy person if you kind of do have a full life. I just think that people sort of feel guilty if they're not like standing there as a concierge for their kids at all times.
And I don't believe in that.
No good for you. I think you know howard is your daughter?
She's fourteen?
Fourteen? Yes, I mean I would say if I were a child, or if I were counseling parents, which I often do, then for sure I would much rather a parent who's self expressed, who is you know, entrusting their child's about to figure shit out? I mean, my dad, God bless him. He was one of the most beautiful humans I ever met, and people often feel sorry for me that he died when I was seventeen. I'm like, look, I had my dad for seventeen years who just adored me.
You've had duels for seventeen and he's never told you that he loves you. So wow, which would you rather?
Right, Well, that's us of the years that really you get molded as a person as a kid.
So that's a that's a fair point. Yeah, that's a fair yeah.
But one of the things that to your point about how you conduct yourself relative to these you know, other humans who like again, no fault, no judgment, but most people are dictated by fear, right, So that that guilt and the concierge, to use your term, energy is all fear bait, right, So whereas you're living from more of a freedom base, which I applaud. But my dad would say to me, he'd draw the shit out of me.
He would have done anything for me, but he would always tell my friends, you know, if I was going through something, don't worry about. Peter's old enough and ugly enough to take care of himself. And that was his affectionate way.
That sounds very British.
Yeah, figure it out. He's capable, you know. Yeah, So it's the empowering perspective versus the disempowering. And you know, humans are so fricking resilient if you look at generations gone by, the stuff that we had to withstand and go through, and now everyone's so mollycuddled. I mean this woke exactly. The woke society I have no time for. It's like the expression I've seen the memes so many times where people are ashamed of nothing but offended by everything.
Yeah, I want to give people permission.
I'm going to do a podcast permission to be flat, like, to be flawed, and to be selfish like you you know. Yeah, it's an arbitrary rule that like, oh, we have to wait.
A year until I introduced my daughter, someone said who? Who said who? And why? I want her to be part of the process.
It's the two of us, and I want us to have a whole community if we meet, if I meet someone that I love, I want it to be a whole family. But that's just a random thing I'm bringing up to you, just as arbitrary as like, oh, I know, and your kids have to comfort like these men they always want to. It's and it's the same men by the way of custodayt their kids like, well, I no
the kids come for the kids. I'm like, yeah, no, my daughter is very important to me and I love her and she's a priority, but she doesn't always come first. Like I can go on a vacation, I'm allowed to leave one night, Like that's okay. Like I learned that because I had a brutal divorce that made was made guilty about anything that I did if I ever left the house for five minutes, and I trained myself into
this bizarre construct. But like, yeah, I think being being a healthy, happy person individually is the same thing as put your mind, like put your mask on first in the plane, Like exactly, I'm supposed to be happy. I'm supposed to be healthy. So I'm additive to my daughter not only a train wreck that's panic stricken, just to be there for her every second.
It's weird.
Yeah, And also this is going to maybe shock a few people, maybe even piss a few people off, which is fine.
Yeah.
The misnomer that you know when a guy or woman says the kids come first, is actually inaccurate, not only because it's inaccurate literally, but it's also what's happening is what they're putting first. If they really understand the mechanics of the mind. Every human being, by default, and this isn't bad, is self oriented. So even when a man that you meet says the kids come first, no, that's not a truth. What's coming first is his own belief
that the kids should come first. So it's still about him.
Well, I could go even deeper.
I think it's his own belief that it's the performative action of what people will think about him saying and performing that the kids come first.
Correct, So it's still self oriented. Yeah, exactly, there's no there's no one out there who myself included, who's truly selfless, right, because that's not the way we're designed as humans. Our imperative is to survive, you know, and that's okay. We do the best we can if we can transcend our fears, and holy shit, you know, you really can step into what I speak from, or I like to really live from,
is unconditional love. I don't have judgment. I hold space with people all around the world, and I do the best to allow them to actually step into their own self love. Right, But most people have got all of these metaphors and these analogies and these belief systems. It's all self generated and that's okay too, but stop.
Yeah, it's a little I know what you say. It's a little bumper sticker. It's a little bumper sticker. And also you're not dealing with the other stick like it's it's not balanced if you're so fixated on thinking that the kids come first and you're running every second like something else is out of whack, like every And that's
how it started. When I was on stage that day to answer that question, I said, I'm present right here with you as I talk to you, and when I'm with my daughter most of the time, i'm present as well. Like I'm not always present in work. Sometimes something happens, I'm distracting them out a robot. But when I'm with my daughter, I want to be present too. At dinner, I intervene in, like get off your phone and let's be together. And so anyway, yeah, this is your interesting
this is an interesting conversation. I'm liking the way this podcast in general is going because I'm gravitating towards these types of conversations as I think my audience is. It's just they do much better ironically than talking to like the most A list of celebrities about what's going because it's like people are everyone's just trying to survive. And I think this is the stuff that's more valuable as the conversation. So I appreciate it.
Thank you for saying that. That's my commitment. It's certainly my purpose, as I said, to help people discover this new world of freedom, love and possibility and having vitality versus disease, having harmony versus dysfunctions. You know, it's an entirely different operating system. And it's okay. People are doing the best they can within the limits of their awareness, as I said, and that's where the compassion comes in.
I often say, you can't be how to accountable for that which you're oblivious to, right, so we have this blind spot. We have these blind spots. That's okay. You know people who point fingers at people because they spoke or they drink, and it's like, look, they're doing the best they can. They don't know why, and if you could have compassion, they usually are just missing love. You know.
It really comes down to that that they were never held, they were never seen, they were never heard, they were never encouraged, and now they're just like anyone else out there, based in fear, trying to fucking survive, and that's the human experience. And it's hard, you know, And so I
come from as much compassion as I can. But at the same time, I have my tough love where when someone's ready to hear it, I tell them to pull their head out of the ass and realize they're extraordinary and be responsible for your existence, you know.
Geat intervene in your own behavior. You and back would get along. I'm introduced you guys. Maybe we'll I'll get on one time.
I think you're great.
I think this was really interesting and I'm so grateful. This is a great conversation. Hopefully you'll come back.
Yeah, no, thank you for having me on.
Awesome. Thank you so much. We'll talk again soon.
Pleasure to be with you. Thank you to the
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