Welcome back Barbie Adler from Selective Search. She is a matchmaker and dating expert. So we are going to get all the free information and not have to pay several hundred thousand dollars.
Okay, hello, hello, Hello.
So many women are so worked right now, Like everybody looks good no matter where you go, because if everybody's got the fake hair, the fake eyelashes, all the makeup, the you know, inexpensive slutty dresses, all of these things, Like I'll be out and it's like a sea of similar women. And I never feel intimidated by women thirty years younger.
I don't.
I don't know why. I'm just very either confident or don't care. But I see that a lot of women I was at I keep talking about this. I haven't talked about it in a while, but I was at an editor's dinner, beauty editors now gorgeous young women, stunning, one pretty then the other. What everybody was worked to. Everybody smelled good, the long hair, the curves, the shape where they worked it. And they all looked very similar. And they were all saying to me, like, how do
we meet men? It's so hard? And I'm looking at them thinking what the fuck is going on here? Like these women, because I do feel that there's a way to position yourself where you don't just look like a basic bee. You don't just look like a basic bee that is trying so hard to show the boobs, the legs, the blinged out purse, the sparkle makeup, the long lashes,
the hair. Like men judge that too. They look at that and they you could be a rocket scientist dressed like that, and they're gonna think you're some version of a basic bitch bimbo. And that's just the fact I've I've seen men that I know that I'm friends with do it. They're like reducing women to something that's an object based on how the woman is presenting themselves.
I also think that men are not like it's almost like you dress for women, but for men, they don't follow the fashion shins like that, and sometimes it's too much, it's too flashy, and they almost are run from it or are scared of it because they feel like there's nothing inside when they look that way.
That's already too much high maintenance. Yeah, well, it looks like she's coming from wallet, right.
It looks like ill motives like this girl is gonna literally have a mission and then she's gonna eat me up and chew me out, and she's not relationship oriented exactly.
And that's adjacent to you know, women should be able to wear what they want and do what they want. But these are just facts. You can wear whatever you want. You could be Beyonca Sensory and go naked to the Grammys. But the point of what I'm saying is I'm just speaking on how men speak about women that look like they are just worked head to toe.
It looks like she's a lot of working.
Right, Or back it up with like maybe they're coming across too unapproachable because they're not talking and they're.
Just it's the same thing people are on their phones.
You can have the most amazing guy walk by you and no one would even know it because they're they're buried into their phone. It's like, you have to be approachable. You can't have a flock of women sitting in one group. A guy's going to be intimidated to even go up to that table. And the guy that goes up to the table of girls, that's the kind of guy you don't even want because they just are on the fishure too, or just they're fishing and it just seems a little sus and yeah, in a little tacky.
So that's why you almost have to I always say, like.
Whether you're going to the bathroom, where you're going to the bar and meeting a friend earlier and just looking approachable and having something to say, if you're just getting by by looks, people are gonna sniff that out and not trust trust you. I mean, obviously you could be beautiful and smart.
This is a good one. And I really want to get into this because you are a person that people come and pay and hire to set them up. So presumably some of these people are consummate bachelors that have just hit the wall and they're done and they're ready now, you know.
I feel like that could happen.
And over the course of all the years, I've had different people reach out to me about different people that I'm dating, and everybody has an opinion, okay, and I really do think it's important that you develop your own opinion. And I want to explain why years ago I dated someone who was a player and I just didn't think they were attractive when I met them, even though everybody else did.
I can't explain it. I just didn't notice it. It was just weird.
And so I I was after a divorce and I got together with them, and they had a reputation. And I've come into this with other people too. They had a reputation. They had been with a different girl every weekend because they were single and they were bachelors, and they didn't want to have a relationship, and that's what they chose to do. But I mean, maybe that a lot of pissed a lot of women off. Maybe sleeping at them not calling them the next day. Their body,
their choice. If you sleep with a man, he doesn't have a legal obligation to call you. He's not a dick, he's not in anything. You guys made an arrangement. You chose to sleep with them on the first day. You should not sleep with someone until you are pretty certain that they're going to call and that you can trust them. Otherwise you're on your own. That's just my opinion, like your big or.
It's just liberating, and you make the decision, then you have to deal with the consequences. If it can't be everything that you want, but it can be liberating. I thing you choose to.
No, But you don't get to say the guy's an asshole because you were willing. You both got drunk, you both had sex the next day. He doesn't feel like calling you, he doesn't know you any It doesn't, it doesn't. He can call you if he wants to. He doesn't have to, he doesn't want to. You were both there as consenting adults to sign the piece of paper and women really okay, So, and that sucks. And we've all been there. You've all been with a guy that treated
you like he was in love. I mean, if he says I'm in love with you and I want to have kids with you, that's deceptive. But by and large, if it's just you know, body and chemistry, anybody could say anything drunk.
Okay. So I want.
To talk about the fact that this person became a serious boyfriend of mine, a very serious boyfriend, because while we were in the like going on a date every week, and then we wouldn't speak for a couple of days, and then he'd want to go the next week.
I said, this.
Has to be evolving. I don't want to go. I don't want to this isn't who I am. I have to evolve in friendships and work. We don't have to do this, and he was like, well, I'm not a relationship person. I'm like, well, great, then then you.
Don't have to be.
But we can peace out because I would not be with you this often if I didn't eventually think it could be something Otherwise, I'd rather just not do this. He like bucked up and became a very loyal boyfriend. So I in my question is I am break the life coach and other people do believe that people can change. So I think that I want your opinion on if a guy historically has been a total player even slash a cheater, or a girl thinks he's in love with them and then he goes to the next girl like
a full on player. Because George Clooney was a player. Uh, Warren Beatty was a player.
Well, I was just about to say, I don't think there's such a thing.
Okay, So I don't. I don't care how bad someone's reputation is. I think if you have good instincts, you can tell if someone is different with you or has the inkling to be different with you. And I don't there's a fine line between gaslighting yourself and pretend and pretending that they can change for you and it being true. So how do you navigate that?
Yeah, look, I think when you're talking about guys in their twenties, some of it they just have to grow up, right, So I think we're talking about different decades and dating.
It's different scenarios.
But I think I always use an example of because in our business, people pay money.
They're not players. They really want to be in a relationship.
They're putting their ego aside, they're paying with their wallet, saying this is an investment making myself because I care about meeting the right person, and they either don't want to go online on dating apps because they're too private and they have too much personal and professional risk.
So I always say to people like if.
They know someone who's well known, like oh, I thought that guy was a player, No, he's not a player, he just hasn't met his person. Look at George Clooney, he's so loyal and a loving father, he just has didn't meet the right person. So so many people will couch it like, oh that guy was just a user, he was just an opportunist. No, he might really just not have met the person. So I think a lot of it is. Yes, you have to trust them in
terms of how they are treating you. But I love what you said to this guy because you told him, I'm not going to do this if I'm not evolving, and so you told him chapters from your playbook. I believe we don't. We do not come with owner manuals. He's not a mind reader. But you did such a good job communicating, Look, it's okay if this is what you need, but this is what I need. If you want to be with me, then you're gonna have to evolve and step it up, and he did so my book.
I don't think he's a player.
I just think he wanted to be with you and so he stepped up because he didn't want to lose you.
If you tell someone what you need and they don't.
Do it, then that's where I think that then that person's not worth your time and you should trust him and move to the next person.
I also don't like this whole, especially as a public person. This whole like un understanding from society that if we're dating someone we definitely want to like go the distance with them like it always is, like society positions it that a woman wants to get more from the guy, and that the guy like, you know, I like, I like women just women being in charge too, women just deciding I'm doing this for right now. I don't think this is gonna last. Men do it all the time, you know.
Yeah, it could be in the meantime, and it does not need to be just marriage or family planning. But I do think that's also good to be upfront about it, like, hey, I'm having fun. Let's let's just have fun whatever it is,
whatever life page you're on. First you need to get crystal clear about what you're looking for and what life page you're on, and what do you want out of this out of life with whoever you're I think if you're not clear on your goals, you're going to waste your own time in other people's time.
Yeah, and also, if you are not true to yourself and what you want, you're never gonna quote unquote get the guy, meaning if you are pretending you're okay with it and just going along with his hope. But in other words, I could have gone out that night with the guy and then not heard from him again to the next week, and for me, that wasn't working. I needed to feel evolving. And he said, I don't want a serious girlfriend. I just want to be casual. And I said, well, all right, then call the fight.
Call it.
And we stayed on the phone for like an hour. He just couldn't call it. I was like And then finally he was like, all right, I want to do this.
I'm like, okay.
And it was a great relationship because I pushed it because I felt like I was settling for less than what I deserve and I didn't like the way that made me feel. And you'll end up being a dormat. It's energetic, like you gotta someone's got to meet you where you're at.
That's it.
You don't have to they don't have to. It's a business partnership. They don't have to do eighty percent of the work, but they have to do fifty percent.
Yeah, and you have to feel respected.
The second that you start feeling taking advantage of or feeling bad about yourself, that's where you have to be true to yourself or else it's it's on you.
If you don't do that, you have to communicate that.
And and what's the worst that could happen that they're going to say no, I really just want something casual, and you say, totally appreciate you tubbing raightforward, there's no wrong answer.
Bye. And then you find someone that is good for you, and.
It's also confident you saying to someone I can't handle that, so I'm out, Like that's empowering you saying I want this and then staying makes you a dormat like.
You could be.
You could say on the first I mean you shouldn't, but you could say. You could say on the first date, if they asked you, what are your goals? I ultimately would like to find a life partner. You're allowed to want that. You don't have to say, could you marry me on the first date, but you're allowed to have No.
It's you're not gonna reak. Yeah, you're not gonna reak of desperation by saying that. But I do think it's good to first internally know what it is and then you're staying in your place of power, and then that way you don't feel so beat up about it and having those internal conversations with yourself where you are gas letting yourself and making yourself feel bad and going bananas about it, like.
Just have it.
You know how many times the girlfriends just go on and on and on about something that doesn't work. It's like, have the conversation, share what's important to you, what you need. Otherwise let it go. It's just not good for you. It's not healthy.
Yes, I'm speaking more to the fact that women worry more about the messaging than the message. I could message anything in a confident way. That does not make me a doormat if you are worried about the Like. What I'm saying is I could deliver. I would like to get married within five minutes of a first date in a confident way. That's a man would not think I
was a psychopath. Another girl would be playing these twisty turney games, but like her energy is giving off that she is desperate, versus just like and staying in it. Like in other words, you could be like, I really want this and then the guy doesn't give it to you, and then you just stay I really want this other thing and then the guy doesn't give it to you.
Just stay.
You could be like, this is what I want. You have to have the courage to walk, is what I'm saying. You have to have the courage to walk from a business deal from the housewife. All the housewives used to go in and pretend to the house how to the to Bravo this. I can name five examples. They'd pretend they were leaving. It happens on Beverly Hills. Now, all the time these cast mates, I was gonna leave, I'm gonna lea If I threaten to leave, they were never
gonna leave. They were their fifteen years. You were never gonna leave. I left twice, so everybody fucking knew that. I was always business. If I say it, it might actually happen, and then you get a little nervous and you know you're dealing with I remember four different housewives telling them they were going to leave, but then all of a sudden, the minute that the show started shooting, they would come and take less money. So they never had any bargaining power forever. And it's the same thing
in dating. It's like say what you mean and mean what you say. If you say you need this in a relationship or for someone you're dating, and then you don't get it, you have to be willing to walk.
It's the same thing of raising a child, like no means no. There needs to be consequences. It's you have to realize that if you if you say something to a guy and then there's no consequences and then you cave why, he's not gonna be motivated to do anything because he's gonna call bullshit. He doesn't care because he can do it and get away with it because you're enabling him to get away with.
It one hundred percent. And you know what I do want to talk about with you. I don't know how long we're going to talk this. I want to talk about breakups. I think there's an art to a breakup, and I think I think breakups are very interesting things. I think that in the same way that when you get into a relationship, it's the oxytocin and serotonin. You get all excited and you think you're like in love
with the person. They're effectively a stranger, as you've pointed out, Okay, I think when people break up with someone, they get all heated and panicked and they have this big gamification and strategy of it, and you can't cash the checks you're writing, so for example, you think, like you know this person isn't right for you, okay, because you're seeing red, but you never know if they could be right for you eventually, And it doesn't mean you're going to stay
in like a zone where you're going to give them the milk without them buying the cow. But there are people that I've been in relationships with that I'm not sure that I don't have a future with. It just means that it wasn't right at that time. And I think that the only reason that there's a possibility for a future is the way that we've broken up. Just like a juice fast, you prepare for it, you do it.
It's drastic, and the way you come off a juice fest is like with half the intensity that you were in it. You don't just drink vodka the day after you've been juice festing. And my opinion with breakups is they have to be very clear and direct. You have to stick to the program that you set out for yourself. But you should not be burning the house down even no matter what happened. No matter what happens, you should walk out gracefully, stick to what you've said you're going
to do. If it means you go in cold turkey and you're not going to speak to them at all, or you could frame it in a way where it's loose, but just stick to your own boundaries of how you're going to communicate.
Yes, I believe so much in an elegant ending that it makes it speaks everything to who you are as a person, like this is not when you spill private conversations and facts about that person. I think that again, it makes you look like such a class act in terms of taking the high road. Like you said, it might just be not the right time, and it could be the right person, or it could be someone that
introduces somebody else how you treat that person. So I just feel like, not just for optics, but you'll feel so much better about yourself if you just don't go there and unravel and start being ugly as a person.
No matter how you no matter how it ended to. I mean, even if the person cheated on you, literally, just you walk out the way you walked in, with class and with dignity. You never know what's going to happen. You never know if they're going to it's just no upside to trashing the joint even and the same thing in a business, Yeah, there's no upside to trashing the joint. And this is an interesting thing that I've found too.
So with breakups, we get so black and white about it because we want the drug out of our system. You want to detoxify, and some people know if they can't handle any version of it. I have found with people that if I frame it, even if you don't end up talking to them at all, you may end
up talking to them less. But if you frame it in your mind that you take the candy out of the house there's no candy in the house, you might be wondering, like, what if I had a piece of candy, I might want to drive to that store and get a piece of candy. If you frame it and discuss with the person, let's keep this positive. We never know. We could be friendly, even though that's not what you want,
even though you don't want to be their friend. Maybe we could date, even though that's not what you want. It's just to keep the candy near you and you you won't even want to eat it, Just so it doesn't seem like such a thing with a person.
Well, it's your ego.
It's it's your ego that gets the way, because either if you're the one that's gotten broken up with, it's a it's a crush to your ego. If you're the one breaking up, it's a lot of anxiety because you know you're about to hurt someone. So there's like different feelings, but.
It's more than that. I mean more than like, Let's say you were with someone for years and they were in your life every day and you think you can handle it, but like, you just want to be able to ask them something, not in a desperate way, not every day, but like casual, cute and casual five days after you broke up. You don't want it to be
so drastic. So if you had something that, like let's say was something in business, something you had to tell them, something that you would want them to tell you, an idea that like something something about your kid that like could help you them get into school, something, keep it well, you got to let the wine breathe right.
Well.
That's why I always say sometimes girlfriends could be your bust friend, but sometimes they could be your enemy because they're going to give you advice that they think is well served, but they'll say, don't ever talk to him again, and they'll angrily bash him and tell you and shame you. If you decide that you want to be friends with him and have a civil relationship. And I think that's
the absolutely wrong advice. I completely believe with you in aligned that you never know how someone could be helpful to you, or just the peacefulness of knowing that there's not anger and that it doesn't have to be this dramatic.
It could be Okay, we weren't.
Right for each other, but let's save what was right and maybe there's a friendship, maybe there's connection.
Or what if it's a month later you're feeling a little lonely, you just want to say something. It's Valentine's Day, you're alone. Maybe they're alone too, You're not going to be together, but they just say, yeah, I'm thinking of you too, hard like that could fill you up. It doesn't mean you're desper calling him every day, what are you doing stocking them? It just means you might need
the methodome program. You might need to have the candy near you, and then knowing it's near you, you won't even want to eat it.
That's what I think, absolutely right.
I agree with that approach, and I also think that it shows mental health evolvement that you are mature enough to realize like, Okay, yeah, that sucks out. You really liked him, but fine, but I'm just going to be the class act and it will make him, It will make you look better.
He might be like, what did I do? Like she's so lovely about it?
And what I think too, I think it's jarring for someone to be healthy about it and also them thinking you can have a healthy relationship with Energetically, they'll know whether you care or not. It doesn't matter, That's what I'm saying too. Energetically the opposite sex or the same sex, the person knows whether you care or not. They can feel it. They could feel you pulling away, they could
feel you leaning in, So it doesn't matter. Think about a person you don't give a shit about the text you You'll text them five times in a row because you don't give a shit.
You're not overthinking it.
People can smell and feel the game, and playing an intense game means you're gonna get a game player. You're gonna have a game You're not gonna be based some real reality with what's going on the two of you.
And then unfortunately, you're gonna bring that nervous energy and the anxiety into the next relationship and you're not gonna trust, and then you're gonna you're not gonna lead with your warmth and your happiness and the interesting and interesting program. You're gonna lead with guarding and anger and undistrusting, and like literally being on a date will be an interrogation versus a playful, fun conversation.
Yeah, because you're operating from fear and not love.
And then actually just that backfire is on yourself, so it's just harmful to yourself. It's it's also I always say, it's like putting poison into your head when you have negative thoughts. I always say, like, your brain is like precious real estate. You you don't want to go to bad places. You want to treat yourself. I'll say, if someone's saying something bad, I'm like, you just ate five cheeseburgers for McDonald's, Like why are you doing that to yourself?
Like you wouldn't do that to yourself, but you're doing that with your thoughts, whether they're so toxics, so angry, it's the same thing.
And that's back to Mel Robbins too, talking about we can we can control the amount of time we spend thinking about. What we can't control is toxic. So that's that's a good advice. That's a good note to end on. So let's all try to eliminate from our mental diet toxins and like poisonous thoughts. It's bad for us. It's in our body, whether it's yeah, whether it's towards someone else or towards ourself, it's still bad. Awesomeraze crazy.
I know we could talk all day. Well, I love it. Thank you as always for heaving. I love you, thank you. We'll be talking so I love you so much.
Best to be, got to look to be out there.