Just B Dating: This One's For the Boys with Matchmaker Barbie Adler

So I wanted to talk about what has just come to me to be three ms, just because not because I thought of it ahead of time, but just because the three things I want to talk about are ems. One is men, like I want to give men advice because we're always talking about what women should do, and I don't want to be so blanket in saying that men are clueless, but I do think that many men are clueless. I'll just be the one to say that.

Like there's just there're just money as a.

Whole bag of you know, a bag, a whole bag of money. So what is exciting to you about these three times? Like, what do you want to talk about?

First?

We could talk about men and like giving that what are you interested in? Oh my gosh, they're all yes, I'd love to talk about men. I'm I'm I love all three topics. I'm so excited to address some tips from the Playbook of Women that I constantly hear. And this applies to all men across every decade, no matter what their age is, where they live, what their ethnicity is, whatever their life page is.

It's it's literally a universal theme.

What I always hear complaints about people when they meet people before they come to selective search, of course, but.

Ongoing, all right, frustrations that men need some tips. Let's play tennis. Let's go.

You come up with one thing about men that they that they a tip, like we have to not like it has to be like prescriptive because men are not going to we cannot thrown on. We have to go like, this is a tip we can discuss it. Then I'll give what I think a tip. I don't even have any in my mind, but I'll sure I'll come right away.

So yeah, I have so give.

A tip for men that men like need to know and must do in dating and or relationships.

They need to be.

A man with the plan. They need to plan and schedule ahead. So if you think about a woman who they ask them out, they need to also tell us where where we're going so we know what to wear. But they need to first plan the date. They can't just have not have a reservation. They have to have the right time. Ask someone about is there food energies, cuisine preferences. They just need to have a plan and be thoughtful about it.

Okay, So I'm going to challenge that, not just for the sake of it, but explain an experience of mine. So I was in the Hamptons this summer and someone wanted to have a plan with me, and they asked me, do you want to get together Saturday night? And they didn't really have a plan and said, I don't know if they said what do you want to do or something, I don't remember, but they weren't from the Hamptons, but

Do you need some help?

And he was like, I haven't been here in years. And I said, okay, well, here are a couple of choices. This place is there, and this is the vibe. This is a situation where you could go on a boat. I happen to have this membership on a boat to go and you can take the early plan or this other thing. And he was like, I think we do the early plan on the boat. So I was kind of the one who had the plan, but I am a person that believes it. In a relationship, best idea wins.

They have to do them.

If there's a map before hiking, like we're going on a trail, they figure it out.

But I'll be like, let's go hiking.

This is more universal advice for what I hear constantly from thousands and thousands of people saying, it's not attractive. That guy might be attractive to you because you know who he is and you already know he's a desirable person. It's not attractive if someone doesn't put care into the beginning of the date, and if they don't know the place, it's fair to either do research or say what is

Okay, let's revise it because if we're writing a book together, let's fill in the blank. So let's say a person should have the intention for a plan, but if they are still assertive and know what they don't know, they find a way that the other person knows that they have a plan, or that they that their intention is to have a plan, that they may not. Actually, they may think they might not have the best idea and that the person they're talking to, you might have a better idea.

So be collaborative if necessary.

Right, So let's revise it to be a good communicator and be thoughtful to say, do you want me to take the lead of making some suggestions or or do you have a certain place or idea that you'd have?

All right?

So chapter one is the intention for a plan, but the potential collaboration in.

The plan, correct, all right, So that's that's a big thing. All right, So that's good, So we work together. Wow, that was good.

That's good because, by the way, Barbie, I've dated a lot more than you so you have been an expert at a higher level. You have a texture that comes together where you're like a teacher of it. But I'm like out there in the field and you're saying, don't get so drunk, and I'm getting black aut drunk sometimes with still ending up with the person like you're trying to give.

Totally got level. Yes, so yeah, all right.

We were talking about how men need this this advice because I don't think there's anyone giving them this advice. So I think it's really important to know that if you don't know a guy from adam and you are only able to evaluate him on his actions, if he doesn't have the thoughtfulness to be a good communicator or at least have an idea of a plan. You can't just go somewhere on a Saturday night. The average person can't and get and have a meal.

You're effectively saying that someone has to appear to be making effort, which is interesting because it's literally the first thing that you say that a man wants from a woman in her appearance, and that she took care to come to the date. The guy's about to pay for a date in traditional systems, and she's showing up and she made efforts, so you're effectively It doesn't really matter about the content, it's about the delivery.

It's the effort. It's putting the effort into it.

So it's really more about the effort than correct calling in a man with a plan. But the effort is what it is. So that's let's say e for effort for number one. We've even taken it deeper. All right, men, that's great.

Okay, So under the whole theme of effort, I do think that hygie and sometimes is overlooked and I don't know what it is, but we hear this from people go on dates on apps all the time that say they didn't put an effort, like they're they have Noah's hair, they have ear here, their eyebrows were bushy, that had something on their shirt. They all the different things, so like it's really important as a man.

That's interesting.

So we're saying, so this is good because we're opening it up even bigger that it's effectively effort.

It's effectively effort. Okay, so that's great.

It's women are dolling up right, like we're putting an effort, and we always hear that men appreciate when we put an effort for a date, and women are saying the same thing about men, like make sure that you're putting an effort. Make sure that your version of dolling up, which is take a shower, look presentable, make sure that your nails are clean. It sounds so basic, and like

It's true because I've also found that like once a guy's locked in and really likes you, then all of a sudden he's like you're finding that he's manscaping because he's like sort of more intentional and more into the effort. So that's good because we made a blanket general category called effort that involves your appear efforts and involves the plan that is flexible in its nature based on who you're dealing with them where you are. Okay, so give me another one.

I would say, effort on the date. So you want to make sure that you're not well. First effort in following up to make sure, like the day before the date looking for is seeing you tomorrow, just something where they know it's confirmed if it was scheduled before.

I love that. So effort is a big giant bucket.

And then you're going into effort into the plan, into the appearance, and then into the communication about what you're yes, the intent and also that you're excited.

Yeah, it just sets the tone like you took the time, you care. You have to almost treat it.

I mean it's more important than a business meeting because it's your personal life. But it's like you have to treat it as how you would attack a business meeting right or something you'd go after that you really want, you have the strategic plans the same thing. It's putting in the effort to showing that you care, you're looking forward to it. That quick text before the day before

That's a big pro tip.

So on the date, you want to be plugged in, engaging, be interesting and interested so it's not a monologue. It's a dialogue. It's not an interrogation. It's just a nice back and forth, staying in the moment, having a great conversation. It's also being thoughtful, like if she seems cold by baby saying like to the manager, can you turn down the air?

Or was talking like making sure that she.

Feels like you're she's being heard, understood and that you're being attended to her needs.

Also, I would say then, like I don't want to be a coworker with this person, meaning I don't want to be involved in the process of like the tables at two top in between two other people that I'm the one who's like that's a little weird. Like I was out with a guy that he was gonna accept with me who is public and doesn't need people to my left of my right listening. You know, I'm at a two top against the wall, and like then there's two people on either side of me, you know, like,

So it shows such respect and such thoughtfulness. They could get there fifteen minutes earlier. Talk to the hostess, say hey, I'd love a corner table. Obviously in advance to ask for a corner table, ask for four top somewhere private is great. But again, know your audience and know what's a great ambience where can actually hear each other talking.

What about men who always like to sit facing the door, But isn't that the better seat and you're supposed to give the woman face the seat facing at or it really doesn't matter, Does it matter?

I don't think it matters.

The biggest thing is that you're not distracted by your head is on a swivel where you're looking at every other person but your date.

Same with the phone.

If you have kids and you need to keep your phone out, turn it upside down, maybe call your kids before, just letting them know that you're going into a meal, and only call if it need be.

I don't think you should turn it upside down. I think I don't think it should be on the table.

Well, I'm saying upside down because sometimes people will put it upside it and might not be appropriate to see what's coming in.

No, I'm saying, but I don't even think it should be on the table, because that's.

Fine, except for some people might say it is the first time they having a babysitter. It might be nervous about that, so it compromises turning it down. But I agree, if possible, don't put it on the table.

Yeah, I mean, if.

That kind of thing called the restaurant, I think you have to go old school there too.

The other thing is is that you, yeah, you don't want to make sure you're on the phone. Look in business mode. I don't care what business deal you have to do. Everything can wait a couple hours. Like this is an important you have to show that it's a priority and that you're engaged in your conversation. So I do think giving someone that the view is nice, But if it might be better to have the worse views so you're not distracted by seeing what's around you as well and can be more engaged.

Depending on I'll take it to the next level.

I don't think when you get back from the bathroom, the man should have, like had the urgency it'll pick up his phone and look at it. So when you're walking back to the table, he's looking at the phone.

I don't like that.

Yeah, I want him to be thinking about how great the data is present, looking around, eating, eating a piece of bread.

I'm not interested.

I mean, I'm not interested in like he rushed to get on the phone and second I went to the bathroom.

No, no, no, But if he forever is he should send you a text saying I'm on a date with the hottest woman tonight, or how did.

I get so lucky? Right?

I did that well because you said that, or something yeah cute sexy like flirty text because that's kind of fun play. Yeah, but yeah, I think phone needs to be off. But if you are sending a text communication before the date or after, you got to make sure you're being mindful of your spelling. It's such a turn off when people spell things wrong, and especially with autocorrect, it's even send the wrong text.

Wow, or the name wrong.

I've had my name is spelled wrong. Yeah, you guys have to be thoughtful about things like that. Just again just paying attention to the little things. But here's an advanced move that most men unfortunately mess up.

If someone or the dates.

Over ubers are being ordered if you're not sharing a car together, and sometimes people will leave the dates without waiting for the woman's Uber. And I think it's such a class act. It happens all the time. What it's such a class act to wait until their uber arrives.

I would literally never speak to the person again.

Never.

Back in the day, there was a cab and then you could slide.

The gentleman could slide at twenty to the cab driver saying make sure she gets home safe.

Nowadays, if someone's going.

I mean, I don't thinking her own Uber and paying for it either.

By the way, well there's really no other there's not a mechanism where you could gift an uber.

There's you can't call an uber for something. Yes, you can put in your own Uber account.

They're two adress could but they you could do that yeah, of course they're sharing, but then you're sharing an uber.

No they're uber. Oh you can't have two ubers going at the same time. You could for you and a kid. You call an uber, then you call it know the uber. Now I see you're saying, so you first first you call for them, and then you call that for you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Most people just or most people are okay with their having their ordering their own uber because what if they don't want the person to know where they're going or their address or whatever it could be. But I think it's very polite to wait, and it is a pro tip because a lot of people don't have that. I think just ignoorance you. They don't know that that's not a polite thing to do. It's it always waits, So.

No wonder everybody fails miserably because we're still on the first date? Is the man ordering for the woman? Because I've seen it both ways, what would you like and then you say it? Or he asks what you would like and then he orders for you. I do think that's a nice note that something a girl would tell their girlfriend. It's not necessary, but I think it's a nice thing. He finds out what you want, he's not

Like, what do we want to get? But that's so fun.

That's part of the whole thing is that's what I think that bond Like, let's share.

How about this?

Yeah?

I love it?

Yeah?

Like or like I was thinking of getting to this. Do you like that?

Because you could have a bite, like you don't have to push your thing on them or vice versa. But collaborating and like what you're getting because it's interactive and food's a great conversation piece.

Why would it you And you could be playful for whatever reason you're not a share to say good because they'll have more more for me or something like that if they're not. But it is good to make it a fun experience because it does bond you and it's kind of a happy thing to talk about too.

It's like an icebreaker.

Mine is always awkward because I always have to say I'm allergic to fish, and it has to get out of the way fast because if a guy might be interested in kissing me, a third of the menu is off limits for him.

Yeah, right, so that so that's a whole but that's it could be playful on how you, you know, spin that as well, how you present that one hundred percent.

I'm like, I'm just letting you know I'm definitely alerted to fish.

So good.

So you're two minutes in, you're like, in the event that we might kiss, fish is off the table.

It's not right, no, but it's kind of a fun thing because they know they have to navigate around that menu and fast, and then I feel so selfish, like for the rest of their life, like if they want to be with me, they now cannot order fish at restaurants.

Like it's a big sacrifice for people. You're worth it. So it's all good, Okay.

The other thing that's important is, so now you're leading the date, and you could say it's very uncomfortable when a guy asks the woman out for another date, because sometimes people will polite and say yes when they don't want to. So unless you really are vibing and you already feel like it's kind of known that both people want it, it's so much better to say you could say I had such a wonderful time. I hope to see you again, but not going to say detail and like assertive about it.

Not like let's do this again. I'm around on Thursday.

That's a great note because it's like putting the contract on the other person. You'd rather be like, get the vibe of if they also had a nice time, and then you tomorrow you say it or you call.

Yeah, I had a wonderful time. I hope we could do this again.

Just something chill, but not putting the pressure where they have to answer it, and it leaves a little bit of a mystery. But I do think it's nice to say, well, you text me when you got home safe, because it shows that you care and you want to make sure they get home safe.

And I think it's really a gentleman act to say, like tex to me when you get home. Mind you, well, let's take a step further. Even if you don't like the woman, why not say that just you have a.

Good representation like the woman. It is so nice. That's the other thing, Like the ghosting has to stop. It is unbelievable. I know why people do it. They don't want to hurt somebody's feelings, so they would rather say I'm back with an AX or I just met someone, but it's not true. It's just they're not interested and they don't want to hurt someone's feelings. But they're gonna hurt someone's feelings more, and they're gonna make themselves look

I've given it more thought.

I really I feel more of a friendship than a romantic connection, and I'm really holding up for that. We both deserve that. Whoever gets you as super lucky. I wish you all the best. It's just such a class act.

Go with the truth.

I said to a guy that was I was set up with. I said to a guy that yeah, I said, I don't remember what I said. I said something like, you call it a couple times, you want to go out again, you're dragging it out. I just said I think you're amazing, and I eventually said not then, but you know, I might know someone who's interesting, etc. I'm not sure if it's a fit, but I think you're wonderful and anyone's lucky to just what you said, look to have a human being and you get a good reputation.

Correct If you're a class act, they're gonna say, oh my gosh, I'm so bummy. He doesn't like me, but he's such a great guy. And they're gonna think of a girlfriend saying he doesn't like me, but he might like you and he's such a good guy. But if they someone thinks that you're in a relationship, you just totally cut yourself off from other opportunities and you're also lying.

And it's just it's you don't need to do that.

Just get back to someone promptly, takes two seconds, as in a text, say something warm, that's a sincere compliment, and done, it's over. Then making someone feel hurting their feelings and like it's painful.

It's not necessary.

Yeah, it's not necessary, and you could cut them loose real fast and a nice way.

Yeah, it's good.

Karma points to do the right thing and just treat people how you want to be treated. Literally goes back down to kindergarten right of how you want to be treated, to treat people with that same kindness and that way, when it happens to you, you'll realize that you hope that that person would have handled it better themselves, like how you are handling other people.

Well, same thing with business or a job interview when someone just says like, it's not right, we're going with another person.

Why leave you twisting in the wind for two weeks? So listen? So this works.

Also, I've had one person on an app say to me that you match and you were texting I met someone. I think I'm going to give it a go, et cetera. And you're like, great, good for you. You're cheering for them. They're on an app. Yeah you don't even know them, but you're like yes, versus like ghosting you and texting.

And then this has happened to me.

I was out on the second date with someone that I really liked and there was another very good looking guy there and I happened to run into, oddly enough, a matchmaker, and she reached out to me later and said to me that that other guy, the guy number one, was it was it was the second date the other guy. She was like, that guy is a real catch and he's interested in you, and I'd like to connect you. Now. I wasn't sure if guy number one was a player, if I was gonna be into him. I was still

I look him up.

He seems he's good looking, he's single, all the things. So now it took like for days, might have been a week. I was like, he never reached out. She was like, oh, I think he's with his family. This is happening, blah blah blah. Okay bye, And he had my number because she had connected the two of us. Finally he texted me and no, mind you. Things had accelerated with the guy that I was on a second

That might be him calling right now, literally talking about you right now. Call you back.

I'm on the podcast, but not you. But the guy, I'll call you back. So I was on like fifth day with him, and this other guy texted me and said, hey, I think you're amazing and I'm really sorry. He owes me nothing. The only thing that happens is we were in a group text. He's interested, he's supposed to call me. I don't know him from Adam. He says, I'm really sorry I didn't reach out sooner. I reconnected with my ex and I really don't know what's going to happen,

Yeah, so nice.

That's how more people need to do that, because that way, if whatever reason doesn't work out for him or you, you can reach out and the call will be so highly regarded because you ended it with a bow.

There's just a nice experience how you do anything is how you do everything. So be but that should be the norm.

Be classy and every aspect of it, whether it works, doesn't work, like her, don't like her, attracted, aren't attracted. Even if you're supposed to text her, you follow through. Even if you're not going, you fall through. Even if you go, you don't like it, you fall through. If you go, you like it, you fall through. Do the right thing the whole way through, you get it. It's it's smart. That's a great come back to.

And no one knows that. No one knows that. Okay.

Other thing pro tips on dates be everyone has their antenta up of how the way staff is treated right. It's just like the little things like don't treat anyone like the help. It's a total turn off on the date.

It goes negative.

The biggest thing is talk about like be happy, like don't complain about your kids, don't complain about you be happy.

Yes, but I will say this, it is often unavoidable based on questions to not get into some version of what you came from. But I would I'm going to color that in the lines and say be vague, but in a way that moves this conversation forward in a positive way, Like I think that was just a situation where I might have needed a little bit more freedom, and I'm looking for someone who you know, kind of is a little more alive.

So you're kind of talking about your expert.

You're not like Joe used to take me out for dinner and we had a roman antic tize.

It's not like that.

It's a little more positive. You're paying it forward. I think you have to reference the past to be in reality.

I try if someone's asked, it's more of an elevator speech where you land the ending, where you're not going on and on and talking about where's the focus of the conversation. If anything, it's two to three sentences and ends like I wish him all the best, and we're both and I'm looking forward to being my person.

It's not talking to it, but that's different.

I'm saying the way it informs the present, Like, you know, what were you were together for four years? That oh interesting that you didn't why you broke off your engagement, that's relevant. A person is also looking for rest dress, so you might be like, he lived far, it was really hard. I think it was amazing. I wish him the best. To your point, I'm looking for something a little closer. I'm looking for someone younger. I didn't want

I think you can talk about the.

Past, but you're not trash talking somebody never And you're also not romanticizing your ex. Correct, and you're not romanticizing. You're not trash shocking. But you're also not making it the focus of the conversation, not therapy. Yeah, it's now you wanted to be like, I'm going to explain it from a contact standpoint, but then you're moving on and talking about other things.

No, and you don't use it as a license to keep going back to it, because you did it once.

Yes, you know what I mean.

You said it once you got away with You're not now talking about rob.

For two hours, right for sure? Okay, So now let's say you go on a date.

You have a great date, you have good follow up, she got home safe, you're setting your texting.

I'd love to see you again, and what works for you? Well, hold on before we even do that.

I don't think enough people say thank you on the date either I know where you're going, and I don't think the bill comes thank you so much it was so amazing, like, or you look nice like.

I think compliments are not given enough in general. Genuine compliments should be given one hundred percent.

Even about a car, you're clothes like you could go into a mansion. Don't act like you're not jaded just because you know the person's rich or hasn't. I that's a nice wild like, be complimentary in every way. Everybody's insecure, That's what I think.

And it could be physical compliments, it could be compliment with what someone said, but it is really nice to be complimented. It also does let people's guard down, like, Okay, that person likes what they're seeing, so it is a reinforcement, reinforcement amazing. Yeah, I think that's good. But the other thing is after a date, I would say the next day. And this is more for women, but it is nice for a woman to send a text saying thank you

Yes, but I'm gonna revise that. I'm gonna say that night, you have the next day, you like it? You like it that night?

No, because the next day is a new day, and the girl feels like she's being a little desperate and if a guy is a gameplay or insecured all, he might think she's doing that.

And I think that night it doesn't count. It's like, so let's revise it.

That that night when they're when the guy says, do me favor, tell me you get home safe, she sends the text saying I got home safe and thanks for dinner.

But maybe he didn't say that because he might not. You Still it still counts. It's that night, thanks so much, that was really fun. Have they to do that?

Yes, it's it goes a class act and then the biggest thing is is though the guy has to go back to having a plan because you can't wait weeks and have a lull. A guy might really like someone but then think, oh, I'm busy, I'm going to wait two weeks.

I got this. But a woman is not going to put up with a guy that's not keeping momentum, making an effort and making sure that they're setting time to see someone again. It signals they're.

Either dating too many people, or they're not really interested, or there's they're dating someone else.

Okay, so let's make it this because I think, yes, a new plan, but I think that let's call it within the next two to three days. The man should express interest for the next plan. He may not know his exact calendar, he may have a custody schedule, but he should be like, I would really like to get together again.

Let me get back to you with my can. There should be.

Some the ball has moved forward in some way with intention. Correct, he is expressing his intention to want to see someone.

But if he says I'll go back to a couple of days, he needs to get back in a couple of days. He is to be like the person that he says he's going he has to do what he says he's going to do, because he's also not attractive if he says he's going to do something and then he does, and like I'll get back to you on Wednesday and now it's Friday.

That's that's not cool.

No, he also can't say on the let's say we went out on Saturday and it's the Monday, let's get together. You're getting together Saturday, and he's completely silent until Saturday at four o'clock afternoon. That is you get insecure. He forgot there needs to be a thread between right, the.

Day before is amazing to say, looking worth seeing you tomorrow night. And remember to tell the person where they're going so they know how to dress.

Facts, because what am I wearing? Am I wearing jeans? And it's like a casual place is a dressy?

Are we eating outside or walking a lot where I have to be careful what shoes I'm wearing.

I'm always starting you might have a plan that day. Also, just women get anxiety. They just want to know something to like make a plan even we need to calms us down.

Yeah, we need to know because we're planning our outfit like days and the second you ask us out, we're planning our outfit, like what are we going to wear.

And what you're doing that day and time to get home.

It's not loose correct, So that is like a big thing that guys need to do is have a little bit more. But I do think that it's I mean, if I was a guy, I would have the best restaurants already, like on lockdown, like a month in advance, so you have great ideas and options so that when you are making a date, you have great tables even reserved, or a great or experiences, whether it's a concert or do cool fun things.

It just requires planning.

If you think about you know, Christmas time, most people know to get the best resort and to get the best of everything, you need to plan a year in advance to know what you're doing next Christmas time, right, So it's the same thing. If you want to have the best experiences or if you care about ambiance, you care about making sure that you have something.

The more you could plan in advance is so attractive.

And if you know that, then if you don't have a date, you cancel it within the time frame to cancel the reservation. But there's nothing wrong with being that strategic and proactive and putting and also putting to the universe, Like I'm going to go on some really great dates and making some great reservations.

I have a big one because I have gotten feedback from so many men on this. Now I'm like thought of as funny, so we're gonna put that to the side. But as what happens with me is men are like dying to make me laugh, like they find when I'm laughing, like it really is a bigger ego boost. And saying they're handsome, they have a big peanut, like it doesn't matter what you're rich, you're perfect, you're smart.

Smart is a big one.

Making someone feel like a man and validated and all that stuff. But like I would say this is for women, but just an insight into men.

And like the.

Humor has to be found in the date by both parties, so give us to men too. Like the humor in the date is critical. It could literally make the difference. Everybody wants to laugh, everybody wants to think something is funny, and so finding the humor in the date to me for me is absolutely critical. So for example, I remember asking a guy. I asked a guy what his worst dating story has been like, and I told my worst

The humor is on both sides. Yeah.

I was about to say, if people don't feel like they're funny, then go lean in on playful, because I think the biggest thing is don't be so stereily we're just talking about work, or you're just talking about like the mundane things. Find the situational humor, have a good exchange of stories.

Everybody can be funny.

They don't have to be traditionally funny. That the way that they dryly respond to someone funny I'll be with guys that are never would never be called funny, but they're funny around me because of like their reaction of something I would do.

Like so it's a quick wit.

It's like their response, it's like how they're de It could be dry, it could be nothing, but it's funny because because of the way, like there can't be two clowns in the circus.

Like it could also just be good banter.

It's just the biggest point is just make sure you're being playful with each other where you're.

Like engaging with each other. I'd like to talk about the pen pal. I don't want to be a pen pal, Like not for five minutes.

I really don't.

It's called I had a great time. If you meet, that's so funny. I just ate a cheeseburger. Send me a picture of a cheeseburger.

Lol. My dog.

First of all, I don't give a shit about your dog all day long. Is a guy who I knew from twenty years ago, who still is in love with me. I don't even care about his dog now. I don't want to see pictures of your dog. I'm not interested. I am so emphatic. This could be my biggest one of all time and someone that you introduced me to.

Remember, like, I don't want a fucking pen pal. Let's move the board. We're doing it. We're not something. Text me later.

Move the You should keep in touch and correspond, like, I hope your day is going well. That's fine because you already have a plan on the board. You know you have a plan. Hope your day's going well, gorgeous day out here. Once you have a plan, you can be a light pen pal and then yeah, look forward to seeing you Saturday. That's like the utter light pen pal. But I'm not looking for a pen pald Er Well, I think it's.

Like, yeah, until your until your relationship.

It's it's it's the point of you want to make sure you're not over communicating and becoming clingy and needy.

It's just not attractive.

I like, I'm referring to the casualness of we're now penthals.

We don't even have a on.

The board, right no, no, no, well oh yeah yeah, that's like a no no that should not exist.

I that's that everybody does that. Yeah.

I mean, look, I'm always like people don't mind readers. They don't know, so maybe there's things you need to shit say, like lookfore like setting a date. I don't know, you might need to say something if that happens, if someone's listening to the thing. Because some people do like it and they like the bonding and getting to know someone, so I think it's more of a personal thing. But I think that it's when you're writing novels and you're texting. I think the biggest thing is like text should be

I think it's just I think text needs to be used as a tool just now something rely on that weakness that you're relying on your back and forth now you're like in a dialogue, nor like it shouldn't be like a crutch, like just a bridge to get us to when I feel like I'm gonna ask you out again.

I don't like that. It really bothers me.

And I've had a situation where a relationship that ended up being great could have not worked because of it because I was like, put some fun, put that, And it could be something going on with the person where they're going to a bad divorce, they're with their kids, and they're not sharing with you why it's happening.

But you're there, You're like, this guy doesn't even what does he think?

And it's a very bad communication tool and you have to find a confident way to break through it to be like I really like you. This communication style isn't isn't working from you. You have to like pat it and you have to dip it in frosting, and you can't you know, you can't say something rude like I don't want to be your pem popc as it could turn someone up. It's very hard to land and because people say stop texting them back and then they'll call you,

Yeah, I think there's a way to say where you could again like kiss punch, but it's more like you have to be You do have to maybe sugarcoat it, but it is important. If it's a pet peeve of somebody's it's important to say, hey, I like you, but this communication I'm not a texture. So looking forward to setting a date or like if someone's texting it, you just are like I want to now start my night, or like I can't do this.

I always just say.

To putting my phone down, have a great night or something like that, or about about to drive talk you know, have a great night. Something that signals, okay, we're done with this chain, because people will just keep going on and not.

I also, it doesn't matter and you can get through it.

But if it goes on too long, but the person has a very long delay in texting you back, it's a problem. You'll see how they text their kids. You'll see that they are texters. And I'll tell you something, whether it's Steve Cohen or Mark Cuban or the most successful people in the world, you know, text me back immediately. People that are successful and smart and secure text back immediately. It's the way of twenty twenty foor. It's extremely rare. You're an adoctor.

You're taking ant like it's late night.

Yes, obviously people don't have a phone attached them, but people do text back. And I've only found this because I found that the people that don't then later somehow you jolt it, you get in a relationship, but then they're texting you every second like it's kind of a scam. You're either playing a game or something's going on. It's just it's a it's a flag. It may not be pinking,

But you can't be haphazard about it because it becomes a signal and a sign Yeah, and I agree.

Then it's game planing, Like wait a minute, you were soting to me before and you always texted me, and now there's all these lulls and it does make like it does you know, our intents are up and we're smarter than that, so it is important to not play games.

And same with love bombing. I think the same thing implies.

What about establishing, defining and communicating what your communication style is, so at least someone understands you could be a doctor and you like, I don't really text a lot during the day.

There are exceptions like or I.

You know something like that, or I really am not good on text some people are.

During the day, I'm not.

I think it's the same thing, Like it's just communicating and just being upfront by saying one thing that's important for you to know about me. I don't text during the day, yeah, Or I'm not a big text or I don't love that kind of communication.

And there's a playful way you could.

Say that to someone whether on a date or in a text to say so love that you're reaching out, but I'm so much better.

I'm so much more of a phone girl.

Or I just I prefer just setting a plan and getting to know you better.

Or when when I'm with my kids, I'm not, I don't text. So something that just gives you something, Yeah, because we listen to everything.

So I think that's good. You said love bombing.

I just think it's still a thing, and I don't know if people are just over using that label, but I think what happens is someone might genuinely be excited about someone or they like that phase, like the adrenaline rush of love bombing, and then when it settles into

It's not gonna end. Well, that's a good note, but even otherwise.

There was a guy this summer that I went out with and he loved bogged me immediately and it turned me off. Now I don't believe that he was right. I mean, I know that he wasn't right for me, and I wouldn't have ended up with him, but there was such a vibe on it that it was like ick and it put on me.

Like he'd be like, oh, hey, good.

Morning or something, and I'd be like I didn't really sleep well and he'd say, oh, well, usually when you meet when Cupid's arrow hits, you would have a good night's sleep, like assigning to me that I'm supposed to feel a certain weight based on that we had gone out for a good date.

And then I felt like almost like emotionally attacked.

It was like subtle, but it was like yeah, and I'm like yeah, no, I just you know, I just haven't had a good nights to be like ooh, someone's not great in the morning. Like it was almost like assigning all this stuff to me, and it really turned me off. It was like I felt like someone was like suffocating me so fast. It was like a different

You're on my jock.

It's too much. Yeah, too much, too fast, over communicating. Oversharing is a turnoff. It just it sounds like he was just giving you shit, like he was trying to be funny and it wasn't funny.

Yeah. I had two guys like that too.

That Like you got on the phone one time, We did FaceTime one time, then like, okay, I'm going.

Into a meeting. We just talked for fifteen minutes and he'd be like, I'm going to a meeting. Okay, great. Then the minute he's out, he's texting me we haven't been on a date. You're like, I don't want to talk to you all day. I don't know you, and it's weird. That's why it's so much better when you know someone it's not the date. I agree.

It's almost like sometimes people get insecure when you don't when someone doesn't want to do that. But I always try to educate that when you meet someone, it's more healthy when there's a real connection between two people and then it's a natural communication out of their relationship versus just falsely wanting to.

Have a communication with somebody. It's like a placeholder.

Well, I think it's like people are dying for a relationship, so they won't want cheate a relationship, like you start talking to them. It's the opposite of like ghosting. It's

We're not in a relationship.

No, And I think that that's great to show the confidence, not the arrogance, but the confidence of just let it be a slow burn. No one needs to be in a hurry, because when it's streeks of desperation, when you're pushing and pressing so so much, that's the word.

This would be under the desperation category, and that's an it. Yeah.

Yeah, the glove buttoning is desperate. Pushing your program is desperate. Too many plans too soon is desperate. Too much correspondence is desperate too much.

Check all of that. That's exactly yeah, right, So that to be trusted.

No, well, that's the thing, is it just I think that it's like shows the pattern of insecure and not a healthy dynamic of a relationship. And sometimes men just can't be alone, so they just want to do that because they need to be your relationship.

But that's not healthy and that's not healthy for the person.

So make sure that you just take the time to be thoughtful and again, like just operate with being authentic and not just in a hurry, because it is such a turnoff.

Okay, so let's talk about I call it manic.

So I've been in two different scenarios where I think it's like real and it is real. I don't think it's really it's real equally as real as one another. And in one scenario, you fall for a person very not that quickly, but in a reasonable couple of months, let's say. But it doesn't feel manic. It feels like you're going deeper into a yoga post or massaging or needing. And in other scenarios it's equally as like, oh my god,

So I'm not going to be here to criticize fast. But yeah, it just worked. They got on the road. It was healthy. It just happened.

But they weren't like lunatics manic love bombing come to Vegas tomorrow.

They just loved being with you each other. They folded it in.

It was like layering a sauce where it just you keep folding in the ingredients. It keeps working something versus like Manic out of the Gate love bonding.

We're doing everything. You can never be apart.

We're imprinted on each other where one person I've done it and it's very different in the result.

I think, again that's a very personal thing.

But I think to know yourself and know what works better for you and how your reaction to it. You have to listen to your gut with something like that, and it could be the right person but the wrong pace, and then it could just be a conversation like, hey, I like to go slow and steady. I truly believe dating through the seasons is so important because it's one thing to have great few dates and the chemistry is off the charts and you like literally can't wait to

I'm like a step sooner saying if you feel like you're driving without breaks. You probably are like, I've done that in a wrong relationship, like a bad boy, where you feel like you're driving about breaks. I've also done it with someone that's great. But it's the way that you feel. And you've talked about how someone makes you feel, even if it's you feel good, but it feels a little exasperating.

Something needs to comp don, is what I'm saying. It doesn't mean it is silence.

Again, there's so much pressure from society, like your girlfriend's like your family. You have to silence all the noise of everyone like liking this person, like fan clubbing them, and being like, how do I feel and how is this person making me feel?

And what do I need to communicate different or better?

Or what do I need from this person that I'm not getting to be able and then communicate because no one's a mind reader. But it's like, but if you keep it going, then you shame on you because you're allowing it to happen.

Well, I think it's regulating yourself, but also to your point, I think it could be regulating other person. Yes, and we get so excited and then we're reading them off a resume of things that we think are going to sound impressive and I don't even meet it in a superficial way.

Oh my god, he's so great with his.

Kids or his dog or you know, he's a doctor or whatever the thing is.

And you're like reading the resume.

And I've done that so many times versus like getting in touch with yourself to see what you feel. And it's very easy to do because things look shiny and they're exciting. But like every new car has that smell and then it fades, So I think that's really critical. Ye, And so men men need to do that too, And that's kind of connected to love bombing and regularly and coming in and getting all excited and you're right.

I do notice with men they come in really hot.

Sometimes we got the quification and this, and they get excited and you're right, then the new car smell is gone.

Yeah.

The ones they land you, their communication style changes are all of a sudden. They want to they have other plans with their guy friends or their kids, other things. So it's just more about again taking the time to know you know, you're worth enjoy getting to know that person, and if it's not right for you, then don't stay too long just because it looks good to everybody else, because if you're miserable behind closed doors, it's a long, hard life.