How funny that I ran into you in the Hamptons this weekend.
So serendipitous. I mean, what are the odds? And we were sitting buying a chance at the same table.
That was crazy. I walk up to this table in the Hamptons. I was actually out on a date and I walk up and I see you, And that was just so funny because I felt like I was like on a reality show and I was like, Oh, Hi, you're the matchmaker for my podcast and I'm on a date now. So what do you think you know? And I will give you some tea about that later because
there's even newer tea since when we spoke. So anyway, and there was a person that was there at the place that you actually that we saw together, that you thought might be a good fit for me, So you might be you might be matchmaking me after all.
I just might be. You know, we had a little contender out there.
What do you think my type is?
I think you loved tall, and I think you love handsome, and I think you love the chisel jaw line. And I also think you love people's aura, Like you're all about like the energy that someone puts out mm.
Hmmmm, and we liked that guy's energy.
We love his energy.
Okay, sure, okay, I'm talking about the guy that was at the place that we don't know yet. Oh yeah, no, I know, yeah, Okay, he's good, great, Okay, So let's let's get into that. So I'm in a unique position because I've been sharing some of my dating on social media, and I've been doing it in a way that is breadcrumb and easter eggish, meaning some of it's recorded, and then I don't post it for weeks after you can't
really figure out what it is, who it is. There are data boards I've done where I've got jumped on and jumped off. No one ever really knows if it's them. I had a guy think that something was about him and it wasn't at all. And I had someone send me flowers for the way that I ended it with them because they thought it was, like, you know, in a classy manner. And the point is, I guess it's a more highlighted version of what happens with people anyways.
So you're a woman and you are dating, quote unquote, which I don't think I've ever been great at because I always jump in a car like you're either not in something, or you meet someone you like them and we fantasize and you and I are going to get into the oxytocin of it all. Or you've slept at them, or you've been intimate with them, or you've made out with them, or you're you think they're great, and you're
not really dating. You've said you're going to date, but you're not really dating because women seem to get excited and want to jump, and men stereotypically are better at playing the field. But I think it's an important skill to learn. I call it the burner method theoretically to have a bunch of different pots on the stove. But I think that I've talked about it more than I've
actually done it for any extended period of time. So how important do you think it is to really keep the burners going for a while and try to manage the different heats? And how do you do that?
Great question? How to manage different cats than different burners. So here's the thing we need to remember, just like anything else in life, right, the ninety day rule. You know how when you get a new job, ninety days until you get your insurance. That's kind of like you're dating or getting to know each other, your employees getting to know the new employee. It's the same thing in dating. You want to give it at least ninety days.
I totally agree, Yeah, because you don't want to just commit. And like I've always said, three months, I didn't know that was a thing. Ninety days that's amazing.
Wow.
Okay, it's just like you don't want to hand off the insurance the wrong employee, just like you don't want to, you know, commit before you really take the time to get to know someone. It really does take ninety days even sometimes up to six months to really appeel the layers of the young men.
Okay, so how are you navigating that In the meantime, someone really likes you or you really like them, or you're maybe intimate with them, or you're inviting them somewhere or they're inviting you somewhere, or you know that kind of stuff, Like, how are you navigating that of feelings? How are you explaining it? Or are you just running your own game and just being cryptic and cagy and cute and COI like, what is the story?
So here's my theory on this. First things first, I don't recommend sleeping with multiple partners while you're dating everyone, just because then the oxytocin is going to get really confused. Because you know, you release oxytocin when you have sex with some own women. Do women have release oxytocin when they have sex? Men release testosterone? So for us oxytocin it creates this bonding agent. That's why we fall in love and that's why we get the rose colored class.
So I say, don't have oxytocin with all these men. I'd say, instead, pick one that you like the most and maybe test out that car before you buy it. But I really think that if there is a contender, if there is someone that you were seeing and he is really standing out to you and there's just really good chemistry and it's a good mass, there's compatibility, I would full focus on that. If you guys reach that point of intimacy.
Okay, you're saying if you reach that point of intimacy, you would stop dating other people for the time being until the three month mark.
Well, let me ask you this. How would you feel if you found out that you guys were intimate and he was still dating three other people?
Uh? I don't know, I don't care. Oh, I don't think. I think if you've made the commitment, if one has made the commitment to themselves to date for a while, which like is something that you are an expert at, and that in my personal life and many women that I know have never really done well because I was getting to the mall and buying the first thing. So if you make that commitment, you're not going to go six months to a year and date a bunch of
people and sleep with no one. So if you're sleeping with a person, they'll say that you like the most and you're still dating. I don't think you should be a have a double standard and care what someone else is doing. I also think jealousy is a useless thing to have. I just think you kind of don't want to know. I find that in general people men are very asking. In general, men are very like want to
ask like in little ways about different people. They ask like they don't care, but they want to make a little things. Oh that must have been somebody else. That must be you know. That's like a big thing with men want that must have been another guy.
Well, women do it too, to be fair, It depends on your confidence level. Some women are like, I know what I bring to the table, and I don't need to ask questions like I know I am the price. So for those women, they don't really ask much questions. And then for the woman that's like, you know, constantly asking questions, wanting to know heylig are you seeing other people like where we are?
So let's get into know what's that language supposed to be? And when does that question happen?
You know, it's really it's the only way to know it's in your heart. When you start to feel like there is crazy chemistry, you're really following me for someone, there's so much compatibility, this could be mister right then, I think that that is where your attention should go. I know there's a theory of like data as many
guys you can until when commit yourself commits. I don't actually stand with that because I do think that when you're giving energy across the board to all these different burners and you're being intimate with someone, plus you're really into one more than the other ones, it can confuse the heart, and we don't really want to do that. And also, if two people are in true alignment, he might stop also dating other people because he's so gun ho about that one person that he's not even present
all these other dates. So I've heard it time and time again where men will just cut off the other ones because they're just focused on that one girl that they really like.
Well, and both you're saying, you can't just go out with other people to check boxes when you're not going to be present there. You have to be able to I do think men are better at compartmentalizing, so as women, I think we have to learn how to compartmentalize a little bit.
I do think. Not true, that's not true. That's not true really with men. Yes, I've been working with men for ten years, and I will tell you when they fall for a woman, I mean they're just the rose colored glasses are on. They're so dialed in, they're like, that's it, I'm done putting a ring on it within six months.
Like more than women, you would say, one hundred Percent's amazing.
Yes, it does not come down to a men and women thing. What it comes down to is the amount of how much they're falling for you. That is the piece.
The amount.
Yes, if someone is so into you and they're obsessing over you, and they just adore you, and they've really taken it a time to get to know you. They have the rosehus Er glass just like we do, and they get so obsessive they text all their friends. Like guys are very similar to us in some ways that we don't even know. And I only have that data because I've been working with men for ten years.
To me, it feels like you want to keep the car at fifty five miles an hour. To me, if you've made that choice, because like what I've said some people, I've spoken to so many women like this that that resonate with the getting in the car really quickly. So if the per getting in the car really quickly. To stick with that analogy, you want to try to like keep you know, in the movie Speed, she's trying to keep the bus of fifty five miles an hour. You don't want it to go cold, but you don't want
it to go too hot. You want to like keep the engagement and the interest, but you don't want to like get all obsessed. Because I've been in things where it's like immediately you want, you know, to become one person and everything seems great, and then it's not sustainable and you're overlooking things that you need to be thinking about when you get into a relationship. This is if you're over thirty five, not if you're in your twenties.
Do whatever you want in your twenties. In my opinion, like I just mean, if you're a woman who's possibly interested in commitment, you have to try to control yourself. I can only speak for women, I can't speak for men. You are telling me from a male perspective, which is great, But don't you think there has to be some level of like tempering the chocolate a little?
Yes, But what I'm trying to say is you don't have to temper the chocolate with other men. You can temper the chocolate by going on a girls trip, by keeping yourself busy, go to that tennis tournament you wanted to go to, Like keep your occupied so that you are busy, you're not obsessing over him, but at the same time, you are not pouring into all these different guys. And meanwhile, for all we know, he might be completely devoted to you because he actually doesn't care. He can't
even be present with another woman. So what I'm saying is it's so important to keep yourself busy so that you're you're busy, not always thinking about him, and that way you're not jumping in the car and you're not going at one hundred miles an hour. You're still that fifty five and you're still able to hit that ninety day mark.
Got it? Okay? And then are people asking questions at the ninety day mark? This is when the questions happen.
Absolutely? Yes, I mean sometimes here's the thing. There's not a one rule for all, right, like different speeds for different people. But what I think typically happens is why I consider healthy, is right around that ninety days. Like both people, if there's a lot of chemistry and there's a lot of compatibility, everyone's kind of like, Okay, what are we doing? You know, are we something? Are we an item? Like? Do we want to pursue this seriously? And that's when those conversations come up.
Very interesting. So you've talked a lot about texting and expectation text let's call them te expectations.
Ooh, I love that.
So what are expectations you have you have sex? Is there is there a T expectation? You meet someone and you really like them and the date goes well, what is a T expectation, like and what is a phone called expectation?
Great question, so tech expectation. Here's a thing in early dating. After date one, two, or three, he does not have to text you every single day, good morning. He doesn't have to check in on you every single day. Now do we love the as females? Of course, no kidding, but they're not expected to do that. And what I have found time and time again is that people will just you know, give them the boot and not even get to a fourth date because there's not enough texting
going on. And the thing is is that in the early phase of dating, the text expectations shouldn't be minimal texting. Let me get to know you in person, let me devote myself one hundred percent to you in person. But when we're not in person, a little bit of minimal text here and they're checking in great, but it's not to be expected every day.
And Barbie would totally agree with you. Guys are on the exact same page who's been on here And she said something that was interesting. She used the word She said women catastrophize, so that women like the naw, the guy hasn't called or texted and the woman is in her own head asking her friends, and she's catastrophizing.
I loved that word, okay, tell me more.
Meaning like the world's coming to an end. They didn't text instead of just saying like, okay, they have their own life. You don't know what's going on with them, with work, whatever, doesn't have to be at one hundred and fifty, you know, degrees in the kitchen and that it's kind of what you are saying, like, it doesn't mean that the house is coming down because someone hasn't texted.
You, you know. And I completely agree with you and Barbie on this, And that's what we're just talking about. Because here's the thing. If you stay busy. You know what my best dating advice in dating is, stay busy with your personal life. If you are dating and you've got other things going on that really interests you that you're passionate about, that will keep your mind occupied so you don't even have the time to be on your
phone wondering what Robert is doing. You know why it isn't texted you in eight hours because you've got your own life going on. You're traveling, you're working hard, you're playing tenants, you're playing paddle whatever you like to do, you're occupying. You're a busy woman.
Yes, some people aren't that busy though, and some people don't like to be that you have to go out that much and to be that social, etc. So what do you suggest They're supposed to meditate or read.
Or meditate, read, go on walks, whatever it is that can keep you busy so that you are not hype. We're focusing on someone.
Okay, what about so you've talked about compatibility versus energy and chemistry. Chemistry is not the same as compatibility. Compatibility is like we both like tennis. Chemistry is like I want to have sex with you. Right, They're totally they're different. And energy, how do you differ energy from compatibility? You don't mean like I have a lot of energy or little energy. You mean just like an energetic connection, like the vibe. It's such a hard thing to explain, but
I'm going to try mynpartist. So when I say energetic match, now this is in my opinion, it is one of the most important things. Okay, So energetic match means that if someone is a high frequency let's talk about let's to find what these things are. High frequency person is someone who is glowing, great mood, happy, go lucky. You know what, it looks like.
They walk into a room and everyone looks because there's just like this magnetic field around them. We call that auras vibes whatever. They just have that high vibration. So that's one thing. Now, a low vibration person is someone who you know, they walk in the room, You're immediately like, oh, I don't even want to talk to that person. You know, like immediately you just kind of sense that like cloud over their head and they're just kind of giving like
wah wah wah energy. And then there's the p people that are right in the middle. They're kind of just like neutral, they're neutral ground. I say energetic matches are super important because when I put as a matchmaker, a if I were to put a high vibrationial person with a low frequency person, what's going to happen is that the high vibrating person is going to have to go down and meet that low vibration. And we don't want that. We don't ever want a high frequency person to match and level down.
That's the dimming of the light.
That's the dimming of the light, and we don't want to dim anyone's light, nor should we. And here's the thing too, Sometimes the really low vibrational person is the best looking person in the room. They're esthetically very attractive, but the ViBe's off. But they're supposed to be with someone low energy. Also, aren't they too boring? Are they born? But hold on? Have you heard of the rotten apple theory?
No?
You know, when you put like you know, when you put two fruits next to each other, one is like rotting completely, and then you stick it next to the non rotten one, the other one starts to rot at the exact same spot.
Holy shit, that's I've literally experienced that.
It's literally science. It's the same thing with people. It's the same thing when you pick your friends, when you pick your partners. So we want to make sure we don't pick a rotting fruit.
That's unbelievable because I've literally experienced it. But I feel that the rotting fruit is really attracted to the shiny perfect fruit, and the shiny perfect fruit doesn't realize and that's the problem, because the rotting fruit wants to feel fresh like That's what I of course, So I found that people are attracted to me that want to be near the light and want to be near the alive and the energy. I have many times been attracted to
the rotting fruit, to the person that's low energy. I don't know why, Like why would a person who's high energy go for the low energy person? Do they think that it's like their compliment? So they think it's there like yin and yang? Because I feel like someone. You know, when you say the rock and the star, I think sometimes the star thinks that the rock is the low energy person. It could be confusing. You have to really
clarify that the rock still is alive. They just may be calmer, but it doesn't mean they're dead.
Well on, let's define rock star theory because they someone didn't hear the previous episode. So the rock star theory, the rock it's someone who is stable, rounded, high vibrational, but just very stable and they're not the star of the show. The star in the rock star theory is the one that loves the attention. They're kind of like the peacock, like they love they have the big personality.
They'd love to make people laugh. They're usually like the party of you know, the party starter if you will, So in the rock star theory that is completely different than the ron apple. And then because no.
Because it doesn't sound that different, because it sounds like the rock is not as alive energetically. So you have to really discern the different designer the rock, because sometimes the rotten fruit can seem like the rock because they're chill, and that's the problem.
So, okay, you want to hear the ultimate test to figure out if they're the rock or if they're the rotten fruit. Okay, the ultimate test of the rock in the rotten fruit is this, when you get home after hanging out with that person, do a self audit. I have it in my book, do a self audit one to ten. How do I feel? Am I energized or my energy depleted?
Interesting? Very very interesting. Wow, Okay, that's fascinating.
Yeah.
I've been in a relationship with a low energy person and people around me have noticed how it's affected my personality, and over the course of time they've said that I was very very different, very depressed, almost like I died a little.
Of course, you were rotting.
I rotted.
You're right, Yeah, you're rotting because he was already a rotten fruit, and so you you're high for and see person. You have that glow, you have that good energy, like you're magnetic. People are just drawn to you. And so then you got on his frequency, which then brought you down. Wow, and we don't we definitely don't want that.
No, that's fascinating. No one talks about that enough. Okay, So how much should someone look into someone's past, ask someone about their past, worry about skeletons in their closet, things like that, the dark side, all that stuff, and does that stuff reflect who they really are now? Or can people be really different? Someone cheated on someone else and you've heard that story, but you really think you're connecting and you get a good vibe off them. Like
how much is that stuff in important? So when it comes to figuring out someone's past, a little bit more of their dating background, their history. I always say leave that for date three, four, even five. This is not a date one or two. And this is a rule, Like I you know, there's not that many rules in dating.
This is definitely rule. You don't want to talk about your ex's on a first date because number one, it's not romantic, it's not there's no chemistry. You don't even know who they're excess, So how can you bond over that? And a first date is really about bonding, it's not about understanding people's skeletons. So if you're going to ask about someone's history, I'm here for it. I think it's important to know, but at the same time, minimal, like just just know the high level stuff like, Okay, you
guys broke up two years ago, Great, why didn't work out? Oh, she cheated? Cool? You don't need to know the ins and outs of it, because at the end of the day, ask yourself this, does that information add value to the relationship? No, it doesn't. You don't need to know why she cheated, or how she cheated, or with who she cheated.
What if the person cheated with the nanny, Like what if something major happen that defines a person's integrity? And now you're six states in.
If he wants to share that that are you saying, okay, if he's the one who cheated and he cheated with the nanny, my gosh, get out of there. I would immediately.
I'm saying, are you supposed to ask around? Are you supposed to do investigative reporting before you get hooked into someone? Are you supposed to be a little bit of a detective before you get hooked into something. I mean, there's got to be a fine line.
Yeah, no, for sure, but not on a first date like this is date three, this is date four.
Well maybe not even with him, I'm saying with other people, like in general, use just to figure out what the hell is going on. And you're saying overall, you should figure out what the hell is going on by date three or four.
Yes, okay, great.
Here's a thing that I think is interesting. You've said this, Barbie's said it like a heightist or something like talking about height, Like people miss good guys because they're worried
about their height. But what if many people are height snobs or certain thing snobs, And that's sort of like there are some amazing guys that people are passing up that they're never going to get to experience because of that, And you could end up finding like a gem or a treasure because a lot of other women had these arbitrary rules about height which they do or care collar or things like that, and then you can end up finding someone great that someone else passed up.
So I'm going to say something very controversial, But here's the truth. Okay, men care about this is just the truth. Men care about a woman's waist, like what size are they? Are they size two or are they side ten?
Right?
And women care about height? And it's such an arbitrary thing, right, And what I this is just a funny story, and I think that this is a story that every woman needs to hear. So I know a couple that are now married with two kids. They met on Hinge only because the husband lied about his hype. You know, he put himself as six foot so that he could reach
the parameters, but he's not six foot. The lesson in this is that you can literally miss out on your person, your divine lifetime partner, if you are so strict about height. Because had he not lie and say on Hinge that he was six feet, he would have missed that match because then exactly and so and what she realized as a bride adds now his wife and the mother of the two kids they have, is that height is not important. Does someone height define like if he if he could
provide her, is he could protect her? Is he faithful? Is the loyd? Would you rather end up with a guy who's six four but who cheats all the time because he just can't keep it in his pants. No, So it's like what really matters? And once you get over that hump of like the things that actually matter, like loyalty, honesty, someone like can keep your secret, someone that has your back no matter what, someone who's a devoted family man. All these things are so much more
important than height. And if you take the time to get to know someone, even if they're just a couple inches shorter than you prefer, you might ended up falling in love.
Amazing, Wow, thank you. So how do people have to get into religion?
Ooh, this is such a big one. Can I tell you? Religion is one of the biggest one on compatibility for matching, because when you think about building a life with someone,
you have to think long term. And what is crazy to me is when people don't have these discussions early on, Like if you're on a date with someone and the chemistry is through the roof, but they're Jewish, you're Christian, And then you know, a year down the line you want to get sears and get engaged and you realize, well, you want to raise their kids Christian, but he wants to raise this kid's Jewish.
How did they get that far down the line.
Because chemistry and the rosy colored glasses. People just love to avoid those hard conversations. And I've seen it so many times. I've seen incredible couples.
That's the car with the wrong sign, that's the car that you get in the car and you're like, it's okay, we'll figure it out later. And it's a disaster when there's a disaster, see.
Yes, Because you have to remember that chemistry doesn't equal compatibility. And if you you want to raise their kids a certain way and kids are in the equation, then you need to have these conversations upfront about what that looks like.
One hundred percent okay? And do you think when do you think you have to talk about the politics upfront as well? Absolutely? I mean this is like date four or five. I mean I would definitely talk about those things. If you are someone that's not neutral, or you're not very moderate, and you're on one or two.
Extremes and you want to raise their kids a certain way, then I definitely say religion politics is something you should talk about.
I would say day four and five to talk about how to work through it. But I would say date zero to see what the labels are, because some people really are emphatic and should not be getting in those cars at all exactly.
And you know what, and what I have learned is that, you know, I can even speak to my own parents completely on opposite ends on politics, but they have so much respect for one another, and they can have an intellectual conversation because they're both intellects. So I think it just depends on can you have a conversation around it and keep your school and just respect each other's differences, or you so extreme that if someone doesn't see eye to eye with you, you know, we've all met that person.
If someone doesn't see eye to eye with you, then it's a huge problem. Then you need to talk about these things early, early part of dating so that you don't catch feelings and then you catch yourself suck in a situation that you regret later.
Right to give yourself well to let the other person know or the person setting you up, like I'm I'm open minded though I feel this way, but I'm not stuck to it like I'm open about it and I'm And some people feel that they're culturally a certain way and they don't want that label someone could be Jewish, but they're not very religious, they're culturally Jewish. They you know, someone could be Christian, they're not that religious, but they
want to have a Christmas tree. Or someone could be Jewish but they like to have a Christmas tree for their kids, or you know, whatever these things mean because they find a Christmas tree to be American versus Christian, or that an Easter egg hunt is American versus Christian. So I think, like getting that stuff, but that's also not that sexy in the beginning to shift, find a way to have like a blanket statement that describes how you feel about it. I think, Well, what I always.
Say when it comes to women, I always say, don't reveal your cards. It's kind of like playing poker when you're asking about religion politics. What I have learned is that men will try to like like kind of like tailor their answer to make it work because they're so attracted to you. So my advice for women is playing a little bit of poker on a first or second date, like, don't reveal your cards just yet, ask him and say, oh,
by the way, where do you land on politics? You know, just make it more chill and less of like, oh are you Republican? It's like do you hear the difference? Like, oh yeah, do you land on politics?
What do you think about the election?
Yeah? What do you think about the election. It's about the tone, it's about the delivery. And if he says, well, what do you think? You throw back the mic and no, no, no, I asked you first, like you're playing poker, honey, don't reveal your cards just yet.
Right, want to do to be after? Want to do to be after