First of all, how are you.
I'm good, it's good to see you.
You too, So you're a dating coach in addition to a matchmaker, and what happens is a lot of I've spoken to a few of you, and the dating advice is excellent. Like I've actually even spoken to my therapist about some of the dating advice. And you know, for my therapists to like what other people say that aren't therapist is not that common. You know, often they'll be like, be careful who you're listening to, but they really she really does like agree with a lot, Like she agrees
with the whole catastrophizing on both sides. That men are doing it too, And something we talked about today, people want to get into a relationship really quickly, like once they start to feel the anxiety and the fear of the unknown. So you're dating and you're having fun, you don't really like anyone, which is often easier than liking someone because once you start to like someone, but you're not fully safe, you're not fully committed. You're in the
weird area. You don't know if you're dating other people, you don't know what's going on. You're in this no man's land. I feel like that's when people get a little shaky and rocky and can make mistakes, myself included.
And she says people rush to get into the relationship so they can feel safe, versus actually slowing it down and seeing how someone conducts themselves, meaning it could be textually, it could be sexually, it could be with their kids, with their schedule, Like it makes sense, like you lead with the emotion. It's kind of to you what you've said before about compatibility. You leave with the we leave with the emotions. We're so excited. We can't believe we
found this. We can't believe we like this person. We can't believe we're connecting like this, and like you just want to be like we are so into each other that we know that, and you want to like take care of all the other stuff later. But she's saying in life that like people have to figure out how the other person, like watch and see and see how someone is in the wild, like who they actually.
Are, right, And I completely agree.
I think that everyone is in a hurry once you decide that you do want to meet your person to be a wee And there is something to be said about realizing, oh, I was packed and selected. But like we've talked about before, you have to be your own agent and advocacy. If you're realizing, no, I'm doing the pecking, it's not just because I was chosen. And then when you do meet someone that you feel like it's mutual, then it's more about Okay, slow down, enjoy through the season.
It's like there is no rush it. It's like the song you can't hurry love. It's it's you have to be content and confident with yourself and have in your own relationship with yourself that you know you're worth, you know what you bring to the table, and you don't have to get all the answers right away. It's like people want to go in and start drilling and interrogating,
but you're not gonna have all the answers. Like you said, it has to be in the wild to make sure that like it's day to day, it's you're not going to know the answer.
And I think what your therapist is saying is like spot on.
Okay, so you just said something about being chosen. Now this is interesting, So say, girl, I'm not going to make a blanket statement. I am going to make a blanket statement. It may not be true, but I'm going to attempt to make a blanket statement to say, in my opinion, based on society and in relationships, girls tend to be more insecure than men. From what I've seen. It's not across the board. I disagree. Okay, it's a myth. It's what people think.
Okay, great, we think that we're more insecure and emotional, but it's an equal opportunity okay for everyone.
That's amazing.
So if we let's slow that down on all women that are listening, just like an expert is saying, and my therapist said today that men are equally as insecure as we are because we are in our heads. But it's like the way that like women in society cry more in a more forthright manner than men.
They're crying inside.
They may be insecure, and that's why they're banging other girls or growing out or doing shots. Like we think that means they're so secure and we're just so that's I think we all just have to like receive that we as insecure.
Yes, it is.
Insecure about if we like them, about their body naked, about all up, breathing.
There's just a sasagure do they measure up? Are they good enough? How are we feeling?
We don't think that. We don't none of us think that. So that's why that really has to be absorbed.
That's why it's really important to know that they are their own stuff that they're unpappying and dealing with, and their own wounds, their own triggers from the past that they're making sure is this person going to make me feel like a hero not a zero? And things that happen to them that traumatize them.
That is like if we just hang up now, like that's the best thing ever. The like they are all right, So they're as insecure as we are, but we are insecure.
Everybody is, I guess.
So they chose me is an interesting thing because we in our minds will try to market who we're dating
to somebody else. Oh, he's so nice to his parents, he's successful, he's Catholic, he's Jewish, he's rich, he's smart, he's got the perfect kids, or whatever, we perfect job, and you're right, we get chosen and we we sort of feel not worthy, and so we just feel that if somebody that is in this great package wants us we're looking at the package, but not as how we align how we operate, because the new car smell is going to go away. And then if we're not compatible
on our vacations, on our parenting, on our religion. Like so that is a big thing that they chose me.
Thing. The other thing is that it could be that it's whatever else wants for you, but now what you want for you, or it's the dream of the hope, what you hoped this person is. And so sometimes we write our own stories. It's almost like sometimes we're comunitative to ourselves, right or you're negative talking and nothing happen, but you catastropize in your mind you're making up stories.
But it could also work again.
See like hope, it's a powerful emotion when you want to accomplish something like I hope to get my master's, I hope to run the marathon.
But when you are putting a man.
On a pedestal and fantasize that you're hoping that he's going to be this person he's not and then lying to yourself about reality, that's an unhealthy relationship dynamic. So the biggest thing is it has to be rooted in reality. I always say, be rooted in reality, don't be in fantasyland about this man that's coming into your world and all the things that he's going to rescue you.
I truly believe.
You have to love yourself first and have a good relationship with yourself. That way, you feel more confident in the relationship with someone else. And if they don't see you're worth than it's his loss that he didn't is with you. But I think a lot of people fantasize what they want, and then because everything's so good in the beginning, they just.
Start sweeping all the issues under the robin.
Stuff being like utter an interval writing a relationship, and everyone already met him and he's already in my life, so then your fe time goes on right.
And I think that you know how when you you have like ant in your back and it goes away after massage and then it comes back on the same spot. I feel like we get excited and we quickly to see our own patterns and triggers and habits from previous you know, like like scar tissue, And for me it means, okay, this is a gift, this is an opportunity for me to talk to my therapist about like the same issues because I'm coming in. This is a car that's coming in.
I described myself to somebody as a rescue dog compared to a breeder dog. I am like, this person doesn't have to deal with that. But I'm just trying to explain it's good for someone for you to look at someone in the wild and see what they're coming in with and then vice versa. Because I was like, I I've been to it's like a dog who's been to multiple shelters and who's been abused. Like that's how I'm
coming in. So I'm coming in different than someone was like from one home, parents married fifty years, Like it's going to be different.
But it's all how you present yourself.
Because I want to be careful that people like viewing or listening to this don't think that they should just be on a date like I'm because I feel like everyone's perfections and blemishes make them like beautiful. So it's not about being perfect, Like you don't have to come from you know, perfect family and everything.
That myth is totally shattered. But make sure you're.
Leading your securities not just dumping noway not in the beginning but but if once you're in something.
When you're sharing, yes, yeah, you share if you're if you have well, no you could have.
I described myself as a squirrel because I'm like, am a therapist. I thought that was a stute today because she knows me, and I mean, like, you're gonna be dating me and you're gonna think like, I'm so sweet and cute because I'm gonna come over and like eat out of your hand, and then all of a sudden the next day, I could run up the tree and you're gonna be like, wait, why, So I have to inform why, because otherwise someone's gonna just.
Know it's so good.
It's also good to put in context though, because to share that you're emotionally available and sound.
But everyone has wounds and everyone.
Has a past, but it's how you deal with it and the coping skills with that. And I do think exploring your own wounds and triggers is good and also learning the person you're dating's triggers, whoever your partner is, because then you're more sensitive to it and not stepping
on it. Because I truly believe in a relationship it's all about understanding everyone's wants and needs and then not poking at them and making fun of them, Like if you're sharing something important, it's how are you honored?
Supported? Feeling heard and understood.
Yes, what I'm saying about what I'm saying, you can make the other person feel like I like you, I'm here, I'm present, letting you know that if you see something, it's like walking into a house, like this is the house I'm showing you. It's got a great view, it's got this, but just letting you know this bathtub.
Needs a little work one hundred percent.
One of the things I've been thinking about is the way that things land. I think that and again, I don't know how men do it, because I'm not a man. But there's a fine line between being confident and vulnerable and needy. Meaning this has happened to me several times, and I this is something I've always been able to land, Meaning if something doesn't make me feel good, but it might be a style, it might be the way the other person's on the phone or text or in person
or whatever. I'm capable of being vulnerable and explaining that something is making me feel insecure while letting the other person know that even though I like them, I would be willing to walk if I can't. I if this is an if this is a need in my life, does that make any sense? Like if someone's going to make me feel unsafe, I could be in love with them, but I'll walk.
It's so good that you're able to not only identify it but also express it. Like that's advanced. That's amazing that you can do that. Not everyone has to do that, So why I think everyone's explore what they truly or need and how they can work on themselves before entering your relationship. Then in a relationship, being able to articulate that and that could be a bonding experience.
Let's say there's a girl and the guy always booty calls, but maybe he really likes her. Let's say the guy's disorganized and never picks a restaurant but like, and he calls her last minute, but they're having a great time when they're present, but like, she feels like she doesn't have the rope or something, you know, Like this happens a lot of college girls. Young girl, Yeah, but she's
trying to get the ball back. My thing is I think girls get either like drunk and needy and it turns guys off, or they'll play games which could turn a guy off, or like just shut down. There's a way to do all of the same things at the same time. There's a way to be needy and secure and like, I need this thing, And as much as I think you're amazing, if I don't like, if I don't get this thing, I won't be able to participate in this absolutely.
And I also think we all have to remember no one is a mind reader, and no one.
Comes with owner manual.
So you in your head might have this whole conversation and be punitive to yourself or the person you're dating, and then be like, that's it.
I'm kicking off my eyelands.
He you know, well, wait a minute, you just need this whole fight with yourself. He doesn't even know. You haven't even express nicated what you need, and now it's in the doghouse, and now you're gonna give him attitude and you're gonna blow the whole thing up bus being like, Okay, every time I'm with him, it's amazing. It's just the in between is the lulls, and that's what this breaks
me out. Makes the feeling secure, so then the next time you're together, you build on the strength of the connection in person and be like, Hey, just so you know, I need a little bit organication. I just feel like I'm being you know, second fiddle or whatever it is.
It's expressing. You have to land.
It's not easy to land, right, it's not easy to land. Even the sentence you just said. It has to be Also, you got to be able to like you can you can't be bluffing, but you also can't be bluffing.
You can't bluff, but you also have to.
You could say it in a warm way like again, don't say it where you're punishing someone and they're already in trouble.
And they think you're or Dexactly. It's playful.
It's all in how you present something, and you have to be in a good place in space to say it as well. But it's all in the presentation.
Right. If you're drunk because you're feeling needy, you're gonna be a disaster and then go deeper in the hole.
And then yeah, it feels like you have to Like I believe it has been like a love forward connection like don't at the end of the day, there's love based reactions and fear based lead with love. I know it sounds hokey, but you want someone's going to be looking at you being like is this person just an angry person?
Or are they you know is it? Are they communicating?
And good communication skills like when you're telling someone your truths and about your anything that's happened to you, that could be like a build like a bonding connection, like hey, I need this from you, but I like you, but just I'm just communicating. They might be like, wow, never, no one's ever done that before because people don't learn how the communication skills, like in college.
High school, you don't learn these skills.
Unfortunately, you have to listen to your podcast to learn how to communicate with somebody else.
I also think wants and needs is a great thing in life. So then you can like give someone the menu because you can't pick every battle and you can't want everything. You can't want the apartment with the good view, with the big bath, with the fireplace at school. Yeah, it's like what do you want? Like, there are things that I want, but there are things that are like full on. And another thing that I think is interesting is asking a person like what their thing is I
did this with an X of mine. I remember like me saying I need to feel safe. Some other people need a lot of sex, need a lot of like affirmation, need a lot of need to be left alone. Whatever the thing is like.
And it's such a fun thing to even talk about before you get serious, because they might be more honest when they don't feel as vulnerable that there's something to lose. Like it's just a fun comment. You could make it a fun What is your conversation?
What is yours?
Mine? Yeah?
Mine is safe. Oh, one hundred percent safe. I'm very much into like feeling safe. What's your big thing though, that's your biggest thing too, I would say a safe I mean I always call my husband P and P provide a protector. I'm like, I like someone that cares
about that. I feel like is in my corner. Like I love that my husband shows up like he never played one game with me, and he's just like my rock, Like I know I could always count on him and to me, some independable and that is uh not a player. That's like no drama with him and he's just like straight up like my guy.
Okay, yeah, I want to talk about the silent contract. Basically, I think that in catastrophizing, in being in our own heads that I only know, women have these things in their minds that they think that the other person is supposed to be doing and the other person didn't sign this is a silent contract. They didn't sign this contract. Like you could say, oh, well, I stayed over his house and we slept together, but he should have made
me breakfast like he did. He didn't, he didn't know he signed that contract, or he didn't call me for four hours, or he didn't we didn't make plans with me by the next tuesday. Like I think that we really do make arbitrary things up and you have girls validating you because that's what all the girls do, and it can be a risky place because these things don't have to all have the same meaning to everyone. Like someone could not call you for two days and really
like you. Maybe they're insecure, maybe they're gonna call you the next week like we can't. Maybe they're somebody died, like we don't know, and we have these things in our minds where we think they signed this contract with all these terms, and if they break one of the terms, then we're out.
Nothing is more frustrating to me than women.
They're well intended giving other women advice, but it's the wrong advice and you feel love and support by your girlfriends or we're lucky as women to have that.
Men don't have that out as much as women do.
It's dangerous, and then it is so dangerous because they're gonna get tasturbized. They're gonna make something out of nothing, and now you're the manufacturing business of drama, and then you're gonna self sabotage your relationship.
So the best thing to do is to remember the silent contract that they didn't sign and make sure that it's root.
In reality and not start on you know, like again you're like being flappable and believing everything the last Jordan said, And I think there's pressure from other women.
Like did you put them out on that? Did you do that? And it's like, no, that's not the right approach.
And I always feel like the less you tell other girlfriends about a relationship at the beginning, the better, so you don't feel like you're on a peach edition. Everyone's judging and if they don't call, then you feel bad about yourself.
Or if something's not right, so.
You made a big deal out of it and then ease leave it. You're alone at the Christmas party.
Yeah, and then it's just you feel worse about yourself.
Like I think just to say, of course you want some of that outlet to share things with, but as long as in return, maybe you say to your friend, I won't want to tell you to tell me what to do. I just want you to listen, like I think it's just or make sure that you can listen, but not take their advice because they might.
Love you, but there could be ill motives with girlfriends.
They give me jealous They can be a different pasi and have being dated for decades and are giving you the wrong advice.
And then it is extremely dangerous. And again nobody's a mind reader.
This other person doesn't even know what they did wrong because you didn't share that after sex, I like, you know, to be called that day or the next day, or there's so much miscommunication. It's it's same with like you go on date with the guy, and then the women's expecting the guy to reach out, but the guys like I just orchestrate this amazing date. I think it's great when a girl sends a text thing like thank you something that night like thank you so much, a wonderful night.
It's such a breath of fresh air to a man. But then the next day it's the guys turn to then ask somebody out. I feel like you have to do something where you're good communicators, not just playing games right from the jump start.
Also, I think to hear someone when they tell you something, like if someone shows you who they are, believe them. If someone says I'm in board meetings all day or I'm at the office and I don't look up and they're not calling you, they've told you that about them. You know that you're a dog, they're a cat. Like you don't need them to be a dog. That's where the hope like comes in.
Where you're you're trying to be in fancy land and making you you're trying to construct the perfect person for you, but you have to accept them for.
Like focus on the positives, all the things they do right.
And then like you said, like someone's working in the markets open, they're not going to be on their phone because there may be not the type of career where they're able to text in real time. And and by the way, men notoriously don't like to do that. That's not their strong suit. They're better in person than text and emails. So if you're looking for someone to be as amazing as a text as your best friend, you're gonna be sorely disappointed.
And also it becomes a turnoff. You know, it can be too much where you're doing it as like a habit because it's just the person you're texting back and forth. It's like junk food. You're not really getting satisfied. You know, there's no quality in it that I feel like. The biggest thing you could do is get out of your.
Head stayed rooted in reality and literally the contract with yourself is so important to monitor yourself anytime you want to start having a scenario in your mind and making up stories and scenarios that didn't happen to realize, Okay, let's unpack it.
Why do I feel this way?
Maybe it's hitting a trigger or wounds that you haven't discovered, and like Buffany, you're so good to be able to articulate it, but maybe someone wasn't even understood that. So when they feel that way, and they should silence your life and be like, okay, what Why am I feeling this?
What?
What is this guy doing that's making me feel this way? Is it I was abandoned when I was younger?
What is it?
Did my exploit friends treating me like this way that's made me feel this way and realize that this new person is not in your past. So if you're casting this negative energy on you're a new person, that's not fair because that's not that person.
I think that it's a basic thing in life that we don't do, is if you're into someone, how about accepting them for who they are, like if they have intention to modify and always be a better person for themselves. Like I've had many people come on my podcast that are very successful in business and they're very successful in relationship Proteking twenty five, thirty forty, you know, relationships, thirty year relationships, and a resounding thing was like they don't
fix the other person, they fix themselves. So it's like if you meet someone and you really have great chemistry, it's working out, Like they're not going to be a perfect robot. They like accept it because you want to be accepted pretty much for who you are to be, Like, this is kind of what this thing is I'm working on myself and I'm doing my own therapy, but like this is kind of what I'm advertising.
Yeah, I also.
Think it's I mean, I've been married together for eighteen years, but I think it's beautiful when you grow together because I'm not the same person I was eighteen years ago, but it's fun to evolve and grow together as well. So you have to realize that you're not going to be the same person in five or ten years, and to put that kind of pressure on what you think
life is going to be like isn't fair either. And so I think the biggest thing is, to your point, like accepting who they are, not trying to change everything, but changing more and working on yourself. And I think if you both are working on yourselves and showing each other love, that's the magic happens because you have something that's super special, and a dime a dozen is just
pretty or just smart. But if you have everything together where you're a unit and you're working on things together as well, once you get to that stage, that's like, that's goals. That's a beautiful couplehood.