Hi, how are you. I'm doing good. How are you?
I'm good?
This is Talia we met. She is an author, a dating coach, and a matchmaker.
Hello.
Let's talk about the burner method, which I've talked about before. Let's talk about wanting to have things at different temperatures. I say, like, I believe that in the beginning, when you're dating, you wanna if you're not having a like if you were paying a lot of money for a matchmaker, you're not playing around and doesn't you don't need a matchmaker to find someone that you can sleep with.
But I mean, if you're.
A person that's like getting out there and does ultimately want to meet someone, I've always felt that the burner method, meaning you have something on boil, something on sim or something, it's taken off like you got a bunch of things cooking at the same time, so you see what really works and you can turn the whole stove off and not do anything.
You can get full. I think.
But why I'm asking you that is what if somebody presents themselves that could fit into for the time being until you meet someone the fun category or the friend filler category, or the friends of benefits or an adventure guy that's really fun is going to want to go take you on a vacation, but it's never going to be the real thing. Like where are you on that filler if you're not expecting it to be the real thing?
You know, the connective tissue or do you just be alone? Sit home?
Because I also think those can make you feel a little better in the meantime if you have a self control to not get into those relationships.
Well, that's what I was about to say, because you have to know yourself. Well, I'll have to know can I do this and not fall for this person knowing that this is not the right car to get in. So it's like if you're really good at having fillers, and you're good at like, okay, this is just a fun time, I'm being fully the president with it, but
I know this isn't my end. I'll be all and you have enough self control of your emotions to know that, and you can just hop into and go on a vacation and then come back and know that like that that's what that was, so be it. And so I think this says not I don't think everyone can do that. So it's about knowing yourself.
Well, I believe that people get jobs when they have jobs, people are sitting being desperate. They get men when they have I don't mean married, but when you've got game and you got your energy going to your point of energy match, that's when you're attracting. So I think there is a fine line there where woman needs to you know, not seem so sitting home waiting for that guy, and then their energy gives desperation because they've got only one
pot on the stove. So I believe there should be some energetic shifting and the planets moving in circles until you find someone in each person. And even if some people you don't know if they're right yet, but you should be giving each person attention and making each person feel special until you figure out what you're doing.
So where are you on all that?
I totally agree with you. I think that sounds great. Here's the only thing I will say, I just so no one gets confused. Okay, if you were in because I've seen this so many times where someone will get too far down the road and it will turn into a situationship.
A situationship.
Yes, we were in a situationship, and there's no real commitment, but that person's taking up all their time. Then now you're energetically blocking you're mister Wright from coming in.
I agree, there's a very it's a seesaw. You have to have the right balance because otherwise you now you've made a commitment on the set that weekend to go with that person, and now you're not open for dates with the other people. So so how do you find that balance or it's just you just got to find that balance.
You just got to find that balance.
Yeah, I get what you're saying.
Trial and error, you know.
And and let's talk about the importance of being alone. Let's talk about your setting people up. You are getting paid a lot of money. Now, I believe that My theory is that some people are probably coming to you and they kind of just want you to like give them like insta person like you're almost supposed to do all the work, but they're not really available and don't really want to like do what they said. That's one thing that I believe that happens. And then I would
believe that women probably it's scared money. They come in and they want you to like solve all their problems, but they're not really ready they just want you to make it like good for them, Like if someone's coming out of a relationship, for example, or someone has never been alone in their life. You know, I hear a lot of women about that, like they just are uncomfortable
being alone. How does someone have to show up to you and to the apps and to the dating process if they really want to meet someone, Because we talked on here about someone has to be like confident love themselves and the person they would want to date, Like they have to be the whole person versus the reaction to the last person or giving desperation or sadness or going through the breakup. Like where does someone need to come in to go looking for this position?
Rare a rate? I well, there's a for the record, because I don't just work with anyone. There has to be There's so many things that I go through for myself to figure out is that a partnership I want to be in as far as taking on a client. But I think the biggest thing for any when listening to this, that's interesting, Oh yeah, because you want to work at people you like, people that you genuinely vibe with.
Well like, but also if you think that they're real, like in that they really get that's what I'm saying. That's where we're getting.
Okay, So okay, yeah, I was gonna say the state of readiness. I have to hear I'm ready to meet that right person. I have done some of the work. I am fully available. You know. Like people that come to me that just got out of a ten year situation and the breakup happened yesterday, I'm like, I think you need a little bit of time to heal. This happened yesterday and you haven't experienced being single in ten years. Like let's give it. Let's give it at least a
couple of weeks, you know. So I think the state of readiness, Yeah, I think that's a big part of it.
Well, first of all, I like in what you do to.
You're placing a CEO at Apple, Like if you are going to bring someone in for that job and they're going to like not know how to use a stapler on the first day and like show up late, you're going to look bad. So I feel like what you're saying is like it's a commitment, like a job as a commitment. So if someone's going to come in, they have to be willing to back it up. And if someone's going to go on the apps, listen, you can
go on the apps to have sex. I'm not saying you can't go on the apps for a million reasons, but if someone is like, I want to meet someone, and they're letting the people that they're getting involved with know that they have to be fully prepared and emotionally ready to come correct.
Yes, and in fact, now they think about it. I had this billionaire client two years ago who came to me and I my gut was speaking to me. I was like, this person's just not ready. So I told him, I said, if you coach with me for three months, I will then take you on as a matchmaking client. But otherwise I'm not interested because you're just not ready. If I set you up on a date with your future wife tomorrow, you would bomb, like truly bomb, because
you were in shambles. You're all over the place. I'm not getting a sense of readiness from you, and you're just giving off the wrong and that women wouldn't like. And he said, wow, that is so honorable. Me up, Let's do three months and then when you think I'm ready and I've graduated, let's go. And I said, okay, great, but I wouldn't have taken some otherwise.
That's unbelievable. And and what because you're not a therapist and you and he's Mary now and he's married, now make congrats. So you're not a therapist, But how are you getting them ready? Like with like what you're sharing, not sharing, what you're drinking, not drinking, wearing not wearing, Like what does that look like?
What does that look like?
That's such a loaded question. It completely depends on the person where they're at. But I think it depends on like if there's just a lot of if we need to get rid of a lot of limited beliefs, because that's another thing too, when you come out of a situation where you might have gotten screwed over, we need to cancel out this limited belief system.
Wait a second, limited belief I love these like things. Okay, so let's talk You talked about Rock. What's a limited belief? This is I love this lingo situationship. We had Rock and Star and now I have all this lingo too. It's just my own stuff. The car Now we got limited beliefs. Let's talk about that.
Yes, so this is limited belief systems, our beliefs that we have created based on our personal experiences, and it's not based in truth. So someone to say, you know, all wealthy guys are eventually cheaters. That is based on their experience, and that is a limited belief system that is one hundred percent holding them back. I mean that when I sense when people tell me certain limited belief systems that they have that I know are not based
in truth. I'm here to crack that down and we're going to break that block because that is going to bold you back for meeting the right person. It's like a relationship bias one hundred percent. And it's also based on your own experience. So if you've always had bad experiences with cheating, you know, then you have this limited belief system that all the men cheat. When that's not based in truth. That's just your experience or your sister's experience.
So blocking those out and identifying them is huge, and I definitely help my clients identify ooh, this belief system is holding me back and dating. That's amazing. So you are a little bit of a therapist. I know you're not. You know that's you're a little bit of a therapist.
I for sure.
I've called this thing the pendulum theory, where I think that people go for the opposite of what they were just in, which means that the pendulum has swung the opposite direction. It doesn't mean that that's where they should be. Meaning let's say you were in something that was abusive or controlling, or someone was extremely religious.
Drunk, and then you go for someone soba.
Exact, okay, perfect, So you go for you're with someone who's controlling, and then you want someone who's really loose and like a warm blanket, but like or a wet blanket. But that was just like a drastic reaction versus like you getting being alone and get into your baseline to decide just what you want, versus like the opposite of that. We've done that in politics, people will vote for the anything butt candidate, anything but what that was, versus like, what do we need as a baseline?
So do you find that a lot? Do do you vibe with that?
Oh? Yes, absolutely? I Mean the craziest story I heard recently was one of my girlfriends who dated this guy, you know, married him. Unfortunately he did turn out to be an alcoholic, and now she's only dating guys to her sober and I'm like, hold on, we've swung way too far. Yes, Like, let's come back to that middle, that equilibrium of he drinks socially and he knows when it cut himself off. Like I definitely think that that happens.
It's a course correction and she's limiting herself. She is and it's tough, and I think the first step is to just identify it, because once you identify it, you can course correct brilliant.
So now my feeling is that with the apps with the HINT, I don't know all of them, but I know the Hinge and the Bumble and the Rye and the League and all this stuff. My feeling is that it's kind of like going to a TJ Max where you could find an LF three dollars compact, but you could find a y Cell bag. It's harder to find the y Cel bag and sometimes it's overpriced, but it is in there, and it's a hit or miss. Like do you feel you can navigate all these apps and find quality people?
Absolutely? And the way I look at it is if you're on there and you're a wis All bag, then he's on there too, it's just he might be hard to find, just like you might be hard to find.
Amazing, And do you believe in deep, deep investigative.
Reporting when it comes to dating apps beyond right?
Yeah, Like I've been in someone's divorce agreement. I've been at their address, not physically, but I mean in the internet. You sometimes feel and there was a man that I wouldn't go out because he wouldn't give me his last name.
Now, I do think it's different for you though, because of who you are. I think that's super important to do mega dive been deep however, because your public figure, right, it's there's just a lot going on there. However, I do think that for someone who it's on a dating gap and someone who is not in the public eye, I don't think they need to go that far. I think that like, yeah.
Okay, I understand what you're saying.
Yeah, but we because the different Well no, so let's let's let's make this a blankets more of a thing. Like the limited belief thing is a thing that you'd want to kind of understand as much about somebody else as they can understand about you in that space. So, in other words, if you've got a LinkedIn, and you've got a job and someone understands where you are and you don't know if they're in the Witness Protection program or not, then it's not you set equal or better
like meaning even in the who are you space? So for me, it was so drastic that someone give me their last name. But I think someone you know, someone's gonna know, you're gonna google them. But for me, I feel like someone can know everything about me and I don't know anything about this person. So that's why I think we're trying to get I called the level playing field.
I'm trying to get to a baseline where there's a level playing field where I understand something about this person because they can do.
You agree very right? And I yes, And I just think that again, for you, it's a little different because there's your public figure. There's privacy involved, there's also security involved. It's a different situation, yes, And I think that for someone who's not a public figure, who might be listening to this, knowing every single detail about this person before going on the date might ruin some of the organicness.
And so as long as you know that like they're you know, there's some things in common and that like they're not. You know, if you look up there whatever that they don't have, it's called it worn out for them. Then I think you're okay, we don't need to go crazy. They're who they say they are.
I'm saying, like, but I think that in this situation, a lot of people are not who they say they are, like you know, and it can be nuanced. But there are people that pretend they live somewhere and they don't pretend they.
Have this job.
I mean, there are crazy stories out there, So you know, I think that's a fine line because people think you're digging deep with an ulterior motive when you're just trying to protect yourself and be safe, right, you know.
They needs the biggest thing. No, for sure, Yeah, for sure.
So I'm curious what you think about astrology.
Owan, This is always fun. I think that you should take astrology with a grain of salt, because there's for someone to say that a cancer in areas is the worst match in astrology and that you should never given areas a chance. That again could be a limited belief system that you have based on your experience in dating areas. But okay, I think that you know, based on their moon and they're rising. There's so many other things that
can play into that. And if we look at Indian match meeting, which they have a whole different astrology system, and they look at the birth charts and they always match. They look at the birth charts to make sure that it's compatible with each other. So I think that there's some truth to it. But I also respect anyone who's like, I'm not into astrology. It makes no sense to me, So I don't base any of my you know, match decisions based on that. Okay, that's fine too.
And then do you think that people focus more on like a care about the height, a care about the hair care, but the eyes versus the nuance and the energy matches and that other stuff we're talking about. Do you think that people are focused on like the package and that's what they come in with, versus like is he kind?
Is he charitable? Is he good with kids?
Like?
How are people?
You know?
I find that I've seen so many men make fitness their whole personality. Like they act like that's like okay, you work out, Like congrats, Like what do you do with nineteen hours a day? Like it's like people make like that. I understand fishing is a lifestyle or rock climbing is a lifestyle. But I feel like people don't get deep enough with who they are where just because you work out doesn't mean we would be compatible.
Does that make any sense what I'm saying. Well, it's interesting because this reminds me of because men and women are different on this, and it reminds me of women are like demers, you know, the more like, Oh he's successful, okay, the like gets righter. Okay, Oh he's super active and works out. Okay, I'm a little bit more attracted. Men are more like on and off switches. Either they're attracted from the onset or they're just not.
Oh wow, that's a good one too. So what is that? What is a woman supposed to do about that? Or nothing?
Be who you are.
It is what it is.
Being who you are, It is what it is. And also I think that women are a little bit more fly well on looks, you know, women are more so And this is like ten years worth of the data of women are more so interested in provider and feeling safe. Those are the two things that are that top the other things. So and men are more you know, based on attraction.
All right, so I'm going to give you a crass statement that for every hot girl, there's a guy sick and tired of blanking her. And the reason I mentioned that is that I was at a table with a bunch of thirty year olds and I'll never forget it.
I've mentioned it multiple times on this podcast, and twenty year olds and all the girls one was more beautiful than the next, and one was more like together, and the perfume and the lashes and the hair and the whole thing, and every one of them was like, ugh, it's the worst, and I can't meet someone, et cetera. And I was thinking, I'm twice your age and I have a better dating game. I can't believe, like there are no men out there, what are you talking about.
There's a ton of men, and there are great men, like and I've had some bad experiences, but overall, like I know for a fact, there are great men. And I feel like there's a negativity vibe that girls, young girls are giving off and they're also leading with their looks. And I'm thinking, like, yes, a man wants a woman who makes an effort great and it's good to feel good, but like that's what people are leading with completely like I look good, so therefore I should have a man.
And I'm like, it's just giving negative and it's giving entitled, and it's giving a lot of things that I just don't find attractive.
And I love that you talk about it's giving negatives because in my book I talk about your mindset around dating is going to end up being your outcome ub dating. If you hate dating and you think that all the good guys are taken, or that the city you live in they're no goa guys club, then honey, child, you will be single forever because you literally call in energetically your thoughts in your belief systems so for you and you're like, I have more game than them when I
am twice their eight. Of course it makes sense because you are positive and optimistic about dating and you're like, I got this one percent of the energy that is going to make that guy come to you no matter what.
But not just the energy, also what you have going for you that you are focusing on your personality and being interesting and not just an eyelash with some lip glass walking into a hot body. Like that's why I said for every hot girl, and I don't mean to be crass. I'm just saying, the guy's gonna get bored in two seconds. You have nothing to You haven't focused on your career, your emotional intelligence. You're not having an interesting conversation, you're not captivating, you're not funny.
Like.
There are so many things that go into this recipe. And I've seen very attractive, like stunning people have terrible personalities because they've really been validated for their looks and they haven't honed the instrument of their personality and their intellect and their emotional intelligence and their spirituality and just being a holistic person.
You know, the advice I would have for that person is become a more diverse person, like a multifaceted human, like gain riched, yes, like have like I like, work on your banter, work on educating yourself. I definitely think that if the only thing you're banking on is their looks to get you a guy, O, my dating might be really rough.
That's what I'm saying. This was a bunch of women in the beauty industry all day they think about the facial and the vitamin C and this and the anti aging, and it's like that's what they're focusing on. And you could feel it, and I'm like, I get it because the men don't want a woman that feels like she's well, so you tell me, do men want a woman that feels like she's a lot of work and to take three hours to get ready and be a half hour late?
Like, do men like that?
No? But men? But here's the thing. We can't speak in absolute specause one guy loves the all natural look, like no fake eyelashes, doesn't like the makeup look, loves the natural beauty look, and feels like he's gonna take home as this girl to his parents and he wants her to just look like the girl next door. There are guys that love that, and then there are guys that do like the very done up. So it's kind of like, you're not gonna make You're not gonna make everyone.
You're not everyone cup of tea.
Right, Well, that's great, that's business. If you try to please everybody, you please nobody exactly. But are you finding in general, like, what are most men looking for? Just as someone takes.
You know, why?
What?
I find it to be fifty to fifty? Okay, I have found it that some it's fifty percent of the love the makeup, no makeup look, and the natural glow thing. And then I find that some guys really admire a woman who knows how to look super feminine, put on that lipstick, put on that perfume, like that she's worked worked it, that she has put in that effort and she looks glammed up and beautiful.
Okayeah, I think it's fifty fifty. Okay, interesting, that's a great that's a great note. That's helpful. Wow, this is amazing, like really unbelievable takeaway.
Well, we didn't talk about the microphone toss, which everyone loves this one. Wait what is this called the microphone toss? The mic toss, not the mic drop, the mic toss, the mic toss. Okay, huge, this is huge. Let's go. So when it comes to the mic toss, it means that when you were on a date, whether it's date one or date ten, always be self aware of how much you're speaking and throw back the mic totally.
It gets uncomfortable when you're in the middle of a story and you've told too much.
One hundred percent. Yes, yes.
And it's for dating with new friendships old friendships, like if someone says, like, oh, how is your sibling doing? Or how is your mom doing? And you go on and on and on, and you forget to throw it back the mind and say how's your mom doing back to you? You know whatever, back to you. I think that we live in such a weird time where people are just not self aware and the microphone toss is necessary. People need to be reminded of it.
And as you're telling the story, you can also do that though in the story, being like and we went there, and you must know about that because you live near there. So anyway we did that, like connecting back to the person and including them in the story, Like you know that there's a body in front of you that you're talking.
To, Well, I think that. Well that just so you know, is another Is that a skill that you have Not everyone has that that they can even connect that person back into it.
Yeah, it's a whole other level.
But for the normal person that doesn't have that emotional intelligence at the very lea just remember to stop talking and say how about you?
Right?
Right?
Great?
It goes such a long way because I have people tell me that they went on a date and you're like, yeah, she just talked a lot about herself. Like, I don't I think she got home and didn't. It was probably like, oh, I didn't learn anything about that person. It's like, well, you didn't throw back the mic.
By the way, I had that.
I had a person that talked about a specific business issue that they were going through and I just met them. It's the first and they kept going back to this one dilemma at work. But I mean easily seventeen times did they bring it up. And I was like I wanted to off myself. I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't want to hear about this fucking work dilemma. And
I didn't even know this person. I felt like I was invested and they were so narcissistic to keep talking about this thing, and I just like, it's like, you shouldn't go then. If you have a commercial a crisis that's so bad at work that you are consumed by, you should not be going on the date one hundred percent.
Like if you have a.
Family issue or someone sick, God forbid, or something's wrong like you got to take care of your own things, should be going out and dumping a story that's so inside baseball wasn't something I could relate to. It wasn't like I've been feeling bad about myself. I'd be like, oh, I could relate to that, you know. It was just like a full Joe and Bob from software department. I was like, what the fuck? Like anyways, scrat, you know what I mean?
Like, I know exactly you mean. It's like canceled the date for both of our instake because if you just show up and you're just dumping on me a bunch of useless information that I have no idea how to relate to it, it's just not gonna go wever either.
Right right, It was so exactly, it's like so inside so yeah, and then I guess that's a note of it, you know, don't get too inside baseball, like it should be something that's like tonally what someone else can understand.
Yes, unbelievable.
Okay, then I guess really just sweep through, Well, we don't have to. And you said politics, religion, those are sort of obvious. You got to find out. Like, like I literally said to someone the other day, some people will be like put Christian in the top of their description, and it's just like, so do they are they expecting me to go to church?
Regularly.
How often do they go to church? I do think these things are important because you know, that's the stuff. You meet someone hot and they're great, but if they're wanting you I met someone that every single every twice a week goes to church. If they're expecting me to do that, I'm not going to do that. I don't
think my daughter is going to do that. So I wanted to, like know what's realistic about it, because you have your own values, your own beliefs, and you know you're not looking to be pulled into someone else's At this age, probably.
No, one hundred percent. And that goes into lifestyle. If you go to church every single Sunday and you want someone to do that with you and you don't want to do that, that's not lifestyle compatibility. There's only one way to find out is to ask.
Yes, amazeing, Wow, you're very it's wonderful. It's great advice. And what's really great is that it's completely different than any other advice. So like, I'm so happy for the listener because they're just getting such a popery and a puzzle of like a toolkit that they can choose what works for them. I think this is really amazing and helpful.
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