Okay, so let's talk about settling.
I really want to talk about settling in relationships because I want to say something so graciously and in a classy, respectful manner. Anytime that I've left a relationship where it doesn't feel right in my body at that time, I later thank myself and it's gone deeper and deeper. Okay.
So it could be.
Leaving an engagement, leaving a marriage, it could be a number of things. But I just want to tell you that recently I've been saying to myself, I am so grateful for having the courage to walk away from things that don't work for me. So that could be work, That could be friendships. That could be business deals that just crush your soul. That could be confronting a boss or not accepting less than what you deserve. That could be a relationship where you're just like I am doing
it's good. It could be very good. Now if it's bad, that's not even a discussion. But it could be good to very good. But if it doesn't fit feel right in your body, you know, when you eat something it doesn't agree with you. You may not get violently ill, but it doesn't agree with you or you're constantly thinking about it, you know, when you're fidgeting in an outfit or it just like you don't love it, so you don't live for it. Put it the fuck down, take it off
if you don't. If you're not, like you have to like convince yourself and people around you. You know, when you put something on you like this is it game over story in film at eleven. That's what a relationship should be like. And if you're not feeling that now, it doesn't mean that you're not going to go through issues and work through things, but like it has to be coming out.
Of your pores.
How right a relationship is for you. You have to know from the depths of your being if a relationship is right for you, and if it's not, you cannot stay because of fear your age, you're too old, you're never gonna meet someone, or this person was so great, or they treat you so well, or they're rich or they're generous, or they're a doctor, or your parents like them, or your friends like them, or they fit in, or your kids are still home and they're not off at
college yet, or you have a good friend group and it's going to break up.
The friend group.
All of these things do not matter. Okay if you don't know, yes, it's no, because this is the most important part of this. Once you jump, you fly, and then you find what you really need. And if you are stuck in the wrong thing, you're never gonna find the right thing. And not until you find the right thing or you're going to say, oh my god, thank you so much for having the courage to walk out of something that it's harder to walk out of something
that's like very good because you're almost there. But we are winners. We go all the way. We take that ball into the end zone. We don't eat average food mid we don't go on mid vacations. I'd rather stay home and go on a mid or shitty vacation. I'd rather stay home than stay in a shitty room. I don't want to go somewhere and feel grosser than I do at home, Like I want to go somewhere and be elevated. I don't want to eat out if it's not gonna be better than what I could look at home.
I don't want that. I don't need to go to a hip restaurant with shift food. Do it or don't. That's part of what I was saying about my Halloween costume, you know, like do it or don't you going to Halloween.
Let's go to the Hidi Gloon party.
Let's do it, let's get dressed, let's turn it out, let's have fun, and let's go home. Like that's it. I don't want to do medium. I don't want mediocre. I don't want mid in any category. Not food, not sex, not man, not woman, not friend, not job, not travel, not experience, not staff, not team around you. We do all stars, we do Hall of Fame. We're not like that tipsy demere trend. It's like we're not like the other girlies. We don't do average. We don't do mid.
We do elite. We do do it or don't and do it well or don't do it at all.
So that's something that I think is really important in relationships. I think we tend to self sabotage in relationships when we're really happier, when it's going really well, when we get scared. If you ever started dating someone and you like them so much that you have anxiety because you're like over your skis and you're like having anxiety, you're sabotaging that is a dangerous place to be, and that's a place when you have to calm down. Take several
deep breaths. Do not text anything, Do not email anything. Write an email to yourself or to the person and put it in drafts and just save it.
Do not send.
You need to wait six hours before sending because we tend to get anxiety and want to blow things up because they're too good. Especially if you grow up in a fucked up house, especially if you're used to chaos us is your norm, it's going to be very hard for you to have peace and be happy. There also will be situations where you are incapable of being loved. You are not porous, you are not open, you're not available,
and that's a hard thing to access. And also trust yourself, because if you're not open and porous and accessible, it may be because you're with the wrong person. With the right person, you will want to open up with the right person. You will want to check yourself because you will want to do the work because it's so worth it,
because the stakes are so high. Like if you meet someone that's incredible and you know they are so well matched to you and you are so compatible, that's when you really have to pull your shit together, and that's when you have to check yourself. And that's like when you're going to the Olympics, you're preparing for the big race, you're preparing for you know, your college entry exams or whatever. The most important thing is you are not fucking around.
You're not making mistakes. You're not you know, getting drunk and doing drunk dialing or just like you know, self destructing and doing stupid things and saying things.
You're gonna check yourself before you wreck yourself.
When you see that something is really good for you and could really like change your life, you're not going to fuck it up. You are going to collect, get organized, be intentional, and do the work. So if something usually when something's really good and people are really connected and everything's great, that's when they wouldn't do therapy. That's when they think they've got it going good. But everything has
the new car smell and little cracks become craters. And when the car has the new car smell, that's when you start doing the work. That's when you get the self help book. That's when you talk to your partner about self help. That's when you check in with your partner. That's when you do therapy on yourself and eventually hopefully with them. I am not above if I'm really into someone.
I'm not above early on, if they're on the same page, once every couple of months talking to a therapist or once a month, because you want to lock the door before you get robbed. And there could be different dynamics. If you're an adult and you have kids and you're blending, that would be a situation where you might want to get a professional involved, okay, because that's something that takes you know, finessing, and you don't want to do damage
in the beginning that you can undo. Or if you're in a long distance relationship, let's say, and there's certain you get in your head and there's a certain you know, there are certain tools and a skill set you need to navigate. That's a time when you would be proactive and intentional. So I think it's important to make an effort and be intentional when the stakes are high, and you know when they're high, when you're like, wow, this
could really be it. And I know myself and I know my tendencies, and I know my habits, and I know my ways and I know that history repeats itself, and I know that I start to get anxious attachment to someone. I start to get anxiety. I start to get in my head. I make up scenarios, I start to obsess, I start to fixate. I start to get overly knee, I start to get overly distant. I start to want to make the other person jealous. I start to like when they're jealous. I start to be jealous.
Whatever your noise is, you have it, and you keep doing it over and over. And when you first get in the relationship, you don't think you're going to do it over and over because it's got the new car smell. And then all of a sudden, one day you hit a brick wall and you go back to your ways, and you convince yourself, and you call your friends and your crowdsource because you want all your friends to validate and reinforce what you're saying, which is a terrible idea.
Do not go taking advice from your friends. Take advice from professionals. Or you could have a certain friend or a colleague or someone that you already know has excellent judgment. Doesn't always tell you what you want to hear. Is going to tell you the unpopular thing is going to
be like your local affordable therapist. That's a different model, but it's not your friend that every day you just call it a complaint and they validate everything you say, and they just don't They just want to make you feel good, or they just like are someone that allows you to hear yourself talk, don't do that. There's a lot to navigate, and as we get older, there are so many dynamics. So I have a dating theory and a relation to theory and a marriage theory, and it might help frame things.
I think that in.
Partnerships, one partner is a rescue dog. Well, no, that's not true. You can have two rescue dogs together. You can have two breeder dogs together. But I think that people are either a breeder dog or a rescue dog. You either grew up in the Drew Barrymore School of parenting, which is an extreme, don't get me wrong. And I grew up I went to the Drew Barrymore School of Childhood, and or you were like in a family that was together,
and of course every family has its issues. But like you have a safe, secure attachment program, you believe that
people can have a good relationship. You've witnessed good relationships, you have some foundation, you are not a mess, and you don't like you've seen normal constructs that other people have never even witnessed, like for me, seeing like a normal relationship in a family environment, a stable relationship, non drama, non drugs, non abuse, non alcohol, non psychological abuse, non gambling, you know, non underage going to night clubs like just
I've seen action. I've seen just debauchery. And so for me, chaos was the norm. Action was the norm. So being in something stable and peaceful, or seeing someone or being with someone who's normal and stable and peaceful is strange. It's an alien concept. It's like putting something strange into your bloodstream that it doesn't that it rejects. So I'm like a rescue dog because someone could do something that would be normal, and I would see it as a
fight or flight. I would see it as trauma. Someone could not text you back for thirty minutes, and I could think the world's coming to an end, where someone else would have a normal rational thought that like someone might be in, you know, in an appointment, and that's just a dumb example. But breeder dogs walk in with secure attachment history. They've seen good relationships. They know that it's possible. It's not like an island that they see that they have no idea how to swim to. They
have faith in the process. They think they could be in love. They know how to treat someone nicely. They don't need for there to be action and drama and a problem all the time. They aren't deeply anxiety ridden in insecure. They could be insecure. They could be jealous, but they might not have the same issues and noise. And the thing is, if someone identifies what they are and shares it with the other person, it can help in the relationship because you know when someone's doing something
it has nothing to do with you. If a breeder dog starts shaking like I have a special needs dog smalls, he shakes for no reason. He's a rescue. His mom is going to be euthanized. He shakes for no reason. He's a disaster. He's a mess. He has five nervous breakdowns a day. He's scared of water, his own shadow. He'll have two nervous breakdowns a day to start shaking and panicking. Things happened like he's a fucking wreck. Okay, Biggie is just like super well adjusted.
I could bring him on a plane.
Small's tongue comes out like one of those frogs that has like that tongue that comes out to like get flies. I'm, you know, not a mess, but like normal. I tell people I'm a squirrel. I don't trust. So you come near me and maybe I'll come with you to get like some of the food. But you make a little weird move. I'm running up that fucking tree. So like
I'm like a rescue dog. You cannot explain why a rescue dog you come near them and they shake and they run away, or why they won't let you put a leash on her, or they won't let you give him a bath, or some weird thing triggers down like a treat or something.
You don't know.
They're a rescue dog. They've been fucked up. They have a fucked up child, a a fucked up past. Someone abused them. Someone asks who hurts you? I'm like, where do you want? Where do I sign up for?
Telling you? You want the list who hurt me? Who didn't hurt me.
I've seen my mother get the shit beaten out of her with a phone I've seen people do drugs. I've had my mother get beaten up and then heard sex fifteen minutes later.
Crazy shit.
I've been to nightclub since I was thirteen years doing drugs, doing everything that's wrong, everything that your kid is not supposed to be doing. Taking the train into New York City at fourteen years old, getting myself to fourteenth Street, to the Palladium, to Area to the tunnel to save the robot. Like, none of this is normal. I have a fourteen year old in my house, Like what, So the thing is, I'm a fucking rescue dog. So to
communicate with a partner. If I'm in a relationship with a breeder dog, I have to let the breeder dog know I don't act like a normal person. So understand that one of us is going to have to be sane. One of us has to be the rock. I'm not the rock. I'm the fucking peacock. I'm the star. I'm entertaining, I'm hilarious, I'm loyal, I'll be good to you, I'll do everything for you. I am the most fun person you've ever met. No two days will ever be the same.
You will have a life of laughter and excitement and adventure and joy and fucking ride or die, and loyalty and hard work, and you will learn things you never learn. No one's ever been more efficient, I don't. No one's ever been more like. I am highly functional, I am super organized. I can get ten things done.
To your one.
I will always be ahead of you, smarter, faster, quicker. But I'm a fucking disaster. So you need to know that you're gonna have to be the rational saying rock here. So do you want that job or don't you? And also you have to be interesting, because you can't be a fucking boring doormat. That's gonna be the rock. You have to be fun and ready to go. So know if you're the rescue dog or the breeder dog, communicate
about it. And two rescue dogs can be together, and a rescue dog and a breeder dog can be together. But you just have to communicate. It's an important thing. And you know who you are. Maybe you're right down the middle, Maybe you're a part maybe you're a mixed breed, you're part rescue, part reader. I don't think you can be part bader, part rescue, but I once did get a dog from it. Was like a rescue dog, but I got it from like a rescue dog store, so it was like safe, but it wasn't a purebred, so
you decide for yourself. You are welcome, have a great day.