First of all, how are you.
I'm good. It's good to see you.
You too. I think what keeps coming back that people don't talk enough about people dating. The topic of dating is a lot of external. We went there, We did that. I met him, he's like this, he said this, he bought me that. It's very transactional and it's very like we can list all the things that happen, just like if you're on the phone with your therapist. We went there, I did this. Even if it's about work or anything, you're always describing versus how do you feel? Like what's
really going on? And what I'm saying is you're kind of saying overall, like we don't need to talk about dating at all unless you're coming into this as a person who's working on yourself. Like the number one thing you're saying is and it would be against your entire business because you're trying to get paid to match people. But you're saying, before you get to baseline, they're relationship with yourself is number one. You need to date yourself.
You need to know who you are and work on yourself.
Absolutely and be roded in reality about who you are and what you're looking for. And that you're healed and ready for that. I truly believe that in relationships you are co CEOs, and I think that's also the mindset you have to have, is like, hey, how are we doing? It's like having those conversations about not just the things the places you want to go, but like my giving you what you need and being honest about some of
those things. And so you have those conversations, you can make it fun like temperature read what can I do more of? Differently better? If you think about reviews and a corporate setting, you have those annually or even checking in, checking in like hey, how are we doing? What else can I do for you? What do you mean more for me? What could I what could you do more for me? And vice versa. And you know, I always say,
like every relationship needs to be watered or decays. So if you're just having busy busy and going place to place and not like talking about your the we of the business, the view too, and the copplehood, it's going to decay because you're obviously perhaps sweeping things on the rug because it becomes once you like have sex and you get and it's still a fun phase and it
becomes harder to talk about the real things. But if you talk about ongoing and it's just part of the fabric of your relationship, it's kind of baked in to realize, like we're going to talk about things.
My therapist said today, she was saying, like literally, it's what she said today. She said, like people rush in to know what it is and want to defind it because it means you get to skip a step in the class, like you don't have to do the uncertain Are we going to be good for each other? Are we going to commit to each other? Like we're both insecure and scared. We're jumping to the next level. So now we're both safe, we're both in a committed relationship.
But you don't go through that phase of like is this really gonna work? Where are we both going? Are we both in a car that's going in the same direction? Like that's what that was too. It was like hi, And then when everybody's feeding into it to your point, like the whole world's performative, Like everybody's feeding into it, but it's like how are you two? That's interesting, Like with people, we get excited on the fumes, on the frosting.
Yeah, it's also like the label. It's like you feel you're going off the fact that you're wee and you're the coupling of it and how you're presenting to the society. But if you're lonely inside and knowing that it's not what it is, like, who cares about that? If you're not getting your needs and that you're happy.
Oh, nothing's worse, Nothing is worse. And everyone thinking you're happy and being miserable, that's not great.
And now you're just victimizing yourself, right, Like that's just like a jail sentence and that's not happy. And so it's so much better to just be real with yourself and stop, like can't lie to yourself, Like you have to make that contract with yourself, like I'm not going to bullshit myself. It's just not it states or too quide and we're too smart and whyse but that and too of all?
Like yes, also, I think that I think that it's
a cautionary tale for people, even in small towns. I think to your point, the more that you're like sharing and performing your relationship for other people and allowing them in meaning like are you like telling everybody at the dinner about your amazing sex life, or he bought me this, or we're the queen couple everyone loves at the country club, and then like you end up like disappointing everybody, and they're invested in your relationship and they're gonna gossip more
about your relationship. It's like the po we we are not involved in Harrison Ford's relationship. We're not involved in Michelle Fiber's relationship. We're not involved in George Clooney and a Mal's relationship. We're not really you know, we're not.
Really involved, Sizzle. It's to your point. I think that's totally smart to realize because it's private and there's no there's no sensation there. But I bet they have a really healthy relationship. But there's probably a lot to be envious of.
Oh yeah, but they're not. I'm saying they didn't take us on the way up and then want to get us out on the way down.
Exactly. Yeah, And I think that's where you're just gonna be careful that you're also not living someone else's.
Like vision of your relationship.
Right, Like if your parents love the guy, but you don't, you feel conflicted because you want your parents to feel validated. Then you're making them happy. But if you're not happy, then it doesn't matter because eventually you're going to be disappointing your parents and yourself, so that's not worth it.
Or the image of what it looks like. You get to look like the lady who lunches, You get to be, you know, the envy of your friends because you don't have to work or whatever. People are trying. Yeah, but I will tell you that I said this before on this podcast. This is shocking and it's coming to fruition even more. I'm meeting an extraordinary number of men who have custody of their children as a result of getting into relationships with young, beautiful women. The women are excited.
They don't really have to work. The men are providers, and the women have the life that they think that everybody wants, or that they think that they want, And then their kids get older and it becomes empty nests and they're drinking and they're popping pills and they're partying and they're bored. And the man has worked on his career and really dug in and still at fifty sixty seventy still has purpose like meeting somebody needs them to
be somewhere somebody. Something's going on, some deals going on, some actions happening, and the woman is kind of waiting for him to come home, take her somewhere, buy her something, go on a vacation. And the friends don't feed that enough, and the kids off away with their own lives don't feed it enough, and neither will pilates for an hour. I neither will lunch, and neither will shopping for outfits for pilates. Like it's hard to fill a day with lack of.
Purpose, right, Well, that's why I always say is stay interested and interesting because that will That's like the key. The ingredients are making you happy and feel fulfilled, because you do need to have purpose. And that's why I feel blessed that I work, because I would be so bored if I wasn't. And I do think you as you stay in a relationship, it's it's less pressure on the relationship. Everything has to be from someone else, like it has to come from within that you're your own person,
the rescue and yourself. You're not waiting for someone else to fill you. I think is important.
I think it was Anne Hathaway. It was Anne Hathaway. And I think Michelle Pfeiffer reinforced a similar concept was like, but I think Anne Hathory really said it. I think she was saying I believe it was her. It doesn't matter, it's about the concept. But she said, we individually are complete. We individually have our own full lives and are complete, and we choose to be together. Like It's like, it's like, yeah, I don't even know that some is maybe maybe the
sum is greater than its parts, but maybe not. They're each individual whole parts, but that just like love to be together and share their whole part with the other.
Yeah, and you both have things to contribute right into exchange and like teach each other. It's not just teacher. It's like you're both coming whole, holistic to the relationship, whether it's friendship or anything I could apply.
And I'm finding that a lot of the men that have been with those women in those situations are saying they want a woman who has their own thing going on.
I mean, this is not new, but yes, it is one hundred listes, but this.
Is not but women, but young girls want to get the ring, get the dress, get the thing, like get the jealousies.
They think that's going to make it happy. They have no idea that, unfortunately, it's going to start a very sad life of being unfulfilled and about continuing to make their life worthy and they have meaning in other ways. One hundred percent.
Yeah, My guy Breck said to me, you have to be with someone who is something or is going to be something like.
Because of how you are, because that's who you are. You need that and everyone shouldn't have their own thing going on. It'll make them happy as a person and more interesting and exciting at the end of the day and fulfilled because, like you said, once you get the ring, have the wedding, have the lifestyle. Eventually you have to have more than that, Like you have to have purpose and feel like you're giving back in some way.
So there's another thing I would done XCES. So let's say someone was in a twenty year marriage, a fifteen year marriage, and then they come into another relationship. Now, you're always going to be curious about not on the first date, I know that I'm saying, but you're gonna be curious about what they're coming in from. Did she cheat on him? Did he cheat on her? Do you why did they have religious differences, did was he a workaholic?
Did he feel unloved? Something that can inform you. So there's like a blanket rule where people are like, don't talk about exes, and I actually disagree with that. I think, not like, oh I miss how James bought me flower like not that, but I think that a past relationship informs positive and negative things about a current I think it informs, wow, this is really nice. I'm not used
to this. I'm used to that, like yeah, and this is feeling really good like that if you're validating something, So what do you think about that?
I think as long as like that's an advanced move, not on the first like a couple of dates, I think it's more important to get to know each other and stay in the present and not go into the past because unfortunately, not everyone could land talking about it
unemotionally or without anger. But if you could tell, if you could talk about it, where you learned about yourself, you learned unemotionally about like it's almost like saying we weren't a good match and this is why without the of anger, because.
No, like why the job was great. I was ready to he was ready to move on. We hadn't. It was a nut y eggs. I learned a lot.
Yeah he is amazing, but he's more this way and I needed more of that, and we learned about that. I have nothing but great things to say about him. But we were the right. We weren't properly matched. We were a good match for each other.
Well that's an okay, So another nugget, Barbie.
So positive, positive because.
I feel that all of these things that are like rules in life, you get into onto the playing field and then you find something's happening that's drawing in the moment, and you're going to bring up something that happened in the past. And if you're in your own head about the fact that you're not supposed to be talking about an X,
then it's like even worse. And my point that the point that you're bringing up is a that it's how you're doing do it, But you're really saying that the reason that you don't want to bring up an X is that you don't want to appear that you're still in love with or interested or obsessed with the X, or that you're angry about it. Like I did have a guy talk to me about his divorce and how she took him for everything and like talking bad and then you're realizing that this is a person who's talking
bad about his X. So that's a character flaw. But you're not talking about just that someone should blanket statement, never refer to a previous life. You're talking about why, right.
I think the biggest thing is, like you know, your audience, like, do not talk to this person if you're in therapy, you're not. This is not a therapist and they're not They don't have the contact to understand that maybe this person really was not a human, right, it could have
been a bad actor or bad actress. So I think the biggest thing is if you're able to talk about it unemotionally, not playing victim, not being seeming wounded where we're some who the way WHOA she either has holding a lot of anger, she seems unwounded or unhealed, then that will backfire. But if you say it from a you know, informational like, yeah, we had a great you know, I have nothing but great things to say about we
just weren't compatible. Unfortunately she was, you know, in just counting it that way and having it more of like an elevator pitch, not where you're going on on an eye.
No, I agree with you, it's it could be anecdotal.
You have to like know you have it like sharp and quick and not like going on because then they'll be like, oh my gosh, this person.
Is shut up. I don't want to hear about your ex.
Yeah, it's too much, And like you want to create your own memories and your own experiences. And I give this advice out a lot for someone that's widowed where they might have had this amazing relationship and they're talking about the past because they had decades together. But at some point you want to start. The more time you're with someone, the experiences will be shared and you'll have more things to talk about for your present, your future.
But you can't just be dwelling them the past, because someone will think that you your heart is still filled by the past person.
Yes, like you have to.
Make sure that it's positive and they feel that you are evolved and ready for something new and not a negative. Especially they'll be thinking, if you're talking angry about men, I'm going to be the next person you're talking angry about her. I don't want you to treat me that way. So you have to be careful what you're sharing. But if you could say so much how I learned that's.
Yeah, or about why something is just different, like oh, at that job, we never got to go outside, and at this new job that I have, this is interesting that we're going outside. That's something that's a positive. That's not saying a trashing. It's just a different dynamic that might be something you are better suited to.
Yeah, but you just don't want to compare because that might all make someone feel insincture about them too, Like you don't want to say good things about your ex versus them, like oh my ex took me no, not that.
But if you do the opposite, if you say that that was no.
But as long as it's compliment, like this is so nice, like I so appreciate you being so verbal, or I so appreciate you being the man with the plan and maybe your reservations.
I'm not used to being treated this way. I'm not used to thoughtful. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I think you can say that stuff.
COUCA is a positive. Yes, it compliments compliment.
Yeah, that's the thing that's when it comes up. Wow, this is really nice because I'm at you. That's great, that's very helpful. And also, every single person makes the ex the villain, and there's always somebody on the other side of it no matter what it is, and you're never going to know the truth. It's like a divorce. There's a thousand divorces. So it's just not worth it
for anybody to do it. It's not worth it for you to talk about how insane your ex was because most people aren' going to believe because everybody's at a table talking about how and staying their X was.
Absolutely and I think that you will be a breathly fresh air if you don't villainize your ex.
Especially someone like me, because I've had a very serious divorce. But and I still I'm just like, it took a minute, it was a long it was a you know, it was not it was challenging, but I have my beautiful do you know we've said this.
So there was a time and a place to tell people and unpack the things that you lived through and that you had to go through. I think that absolutely I'm not saying she, but I think until someone understands the context of like you, I think that you shouldn't share it until it doesn't have to be a certain
amount of dates or anything like that. But I mean, I would say at least the two or three dates ear build on your relationship together, versus focusing so much on anything negative oversharing a negative in general, negative anything about your family, your friends, your career, anything that you're not happy with. This is not a therapy session. This is not the place. It's just gonna lead to it'za gona lead to a second date?
And how do you navigate and advise navigating quote unquote dating, like meaning when someone says I'm dating someone, so because there's meeting people, I went on a date, I liked him, I went out the next time. I don't think it's it. You know, that's like that's that's not really that's you're dating overall as like a sport and you're meeting different people,
but nothing is really landed. But then you're like regularly dating one person, and like there's always like a sniffing out of like when do you have to like when do you feel like you're lacking integrity in that practice because there's sex involved, there's intimacy involve there's a time when and that's also not a silent contract, meaning you could sleep with seven people at the same time on seven different nights. It's your own body and your own choice.
You don't have to disclose that unless someone asks, and then you're gonna be honest. You're allowed to do what you want. So what is people are on the Bachelor and they're sleeping with multiple people, and it's like, but then how would they know who they liked more if they don't sleep with the multiple people because they're in
a concentrated program. And I know that's not life, but I'm just saying it makes sense that someone would want to be doing more intimate things, not even including sex, but like sometimes they're like they're meeting people's parents, they're doing more like these things are very personal. So how do you navigate the between just meeting people and going out to dinner and then that no man's land between that and relationship?
I mean, I do think part of the secret sauce is staying in your own power, in your own confidence that like you know you're worth and leading with your charm and your charisma of why they even like you, and not even having to in your head or rebally even have to put a label on it and just continue to have fun. That's how you're going to catch someone. But what if they don't want that from you. There's two people in it, right, But then eventually, if you
have paid attention, are you just booty call girl? Are you not? Have you not advanced where you're meeting each other's friends and families like you have to pay attention collectively to all the cues to see how you're fitting into someone's wife.
Oh so it doesn't have to be said. It's it's more actions and words. It's actions, and I think it's actions. I don't think you need to have the conversation. I mean for some they.
Do say like, hey, just so you know, what are we I'm choosing to have sex with you? But I just say, you know, I'm not comfortable having sex with anybody else. I'm not suggesting me to talk about what this is, but to me, I'm wanting to get to know you and I'm always choosing this. So like you could, you could have conversations about it, whether it's before or after, that could help frame it.
And I think that's weird because I think someone's not gonna know how connect there to someone until they have sex and you're saying that and it puts the silent contract on the sex.
Yeah. Yeah, but I think afterwards you could say not right away, but at some point discuss it.
Oh, once you've been intimate and you feel connected, Yeah, like, hey, you're going to start sleeping with them regularly and you're going to be like, I'm not doing this with five other people.
But I do think it's more about like knowing your own boundaries, knowing what you need, and instead of just having the labels of the talks, just leading with actions and then making sure that you're in time, sharing what your needs are because they're.
Not, and what you can handle. You could have an intellectual idea of what you're going to do, but what can you it's on a movie, what can you actually handle. You might be able to sleep before guys. At the same time, you might be able to not sleep with one without you know, getting a ring.
Well. The other thing is like be careful what you ask for, because like, what if you don't want to be in a full fledged committee, excuse a relationship with one person just because you don't even know them. So you want to be sure that you're taking your own time to get to know them. Again, you are the one selecting. It's not just about being chosen. That's great that he has great taste and wants to be with you, but maybe you haven't decided of one hundred percent you're
ready for that. So it's like, hey, I am with you. Take this as a compliment. I love our time together and I'm so excited to get to know you. But it doesn't have to be defined because it might backfire you and then your relationship and then you're not getting to know other people either until you know that it's your person. So I think it's but I think it also to celebrate, like, oh my gosh, I met someone,
Like that's such an exciting thing. Sometimes people race and they're like then they start getting insecure about well, I don't know. He hasn't asked me. If I don't know you're boyfriend, girlfriend, I don't know where we stand. And it's like, okay, you can just keep looking for it's the action, mind everything, and just enjoy the season. It's like, you don't have to know. Maybe the more you even to know him, you'll realize, oh, I don't like what we're not combatible for each other.
Also, that's what you just said. Is part of the thing that happens in the future with the woman waiting around for the man, is that I see a lot like the girls waiting around and hanging on every word and everything that is or isn't happening because they don't have purpose and you don't have enough going on, and you really have got to be busy, bitch, Like you've got to be busy because you're getting your own head and you it's it's it's great to be like to
have something that you have to be at that you have to and you're not just hanging on what they're doing, and why are they dictating what's happening? Like why can't you just be in your own two shoes, like being like I don't need to know from you what I am. You're not gonna give me the green light?
Absolutely, And it's also your overthinking, like your beautiful brain is now going to places and creating plots and you know the scene that never even happened, and that's where your friends flement in a crowd source and start telling you all this like done.
Thiss, oh yeah he should have done this, you should know this. Yeah, exactly, by the way, great.
And then you're completely disjoining your own relationship with your own happiness. It's like, doesn't have to be that way?
Yes, amazing, Okay, Well I recommend to everybody to have somebody that they can talk to, but make sure that like a therapist or someone else has validated that they're giving good advice. Like I literally have listened to things that you have said and the other girls on here, and my own therapist has said, I actually think that she's giving great advice, meaning you can't listen to everybody.
And I've actually talked to my therapist about one woman that I work with who we joke my chief Dating Advice or my CDA, and she has validated she's like that she's giving good advice. Like you don't want to just go half cocked. And every girl who's willing to listen to you when you're drunk is going to, like, you know, tell you what you want to hear. You could be really it's going to a shitty doctor.
You know. It's also it's so dangerous because they could either they're not informed, or there could be jealousy. There's could be so many things that play. But if people are giving like angry advice.
Yes, it could be also what's going on in their own life too negative, jealousy you cannot.
Yeah that they feel, say, I, you just can't go there.
Misery wants company, you're too nosy of Other things don't really matter, like what do you get you for your birthday?
And like where did you go for dinner? It's like that's not relevant to like probably makes you feel and what you need. That's just like that is just fishing for things that are putting to the aufster what to do to the upst