Thomas Lennon Returns

The Craig Ferguson Pants on Fire Tour is on sale now. It's a new show, it's new material, but I'm afraid it's still only me, Craig Ferguson on my own, standing on a stage telling comedy words. Come and see me, buy tickets, bring your loved ones, or don't come and see me. Don't buy tickets and don't bring your loved ones. I'm not your dad. You come or don't come.

But you should at least know what's happening, and it is.

The tour kicks off late September and goes through the end of the year and beyond. Tickets are available at the Craig Ferguson Show dot Com slash tour. They are available at the Craig Ferguson show dot com slash tour or at your local outlet in your region. My name is Craig Ferguson. The name of this podcast is Joy. I talk to interest in people about what brings them happiness. On the podcast today is one of my oldest friend.

Well he's not old at all.

I'd find he's younger than me, but he's which doesn't make you young by any stretch of the imagination. But he's a lovely man and a good friend of mine and an excellent member of the show business community. He's a writer, he's an actor, and he hasn't mustash.

His name's Tom Lennon. This is good. This is like being in CNN.

So you finally got the chair of your dreams that you were dreaming about, and.

You know, this is this chair is It's from a I don't know if you've heard of this company.

They're very, very exclusive. Is what they do is that you.

Buy the chair in a flat pack form, and then you have the chair and it gets delivered to your house by Vikings and then that's a clue to the column people. Yeah, and then but luckily, what you have to do is you have to hide while the Vikings raid, pillage and all the other stuff they do.

They do. Yeah, yeah, they do a lot as a result from stuff.

I mean, do you know that the Vikings were actually I'm just turning the sound up so I can hear you bear. Vikings were the most prolific traders and slaves in human history.

Apparently that seems like attracts also, could I say it feels a lot like when you went to the catalog for the chair. You just had a fever dream about the show Dynasty and everybody, and like the shoulder pads on all these foxy eighties ladies. See what I'm saying, it's got a foxy Are.

You saying you think it's a folksy? It feels like is a bit shoulder.

It feels like in a nightmare where Angie Dickinson as like an eighties sex pot where she's gonna go. She was absolutely it wasn't his. So let's say some evil wizard was like Angie Dickinson, you shall now live as a chick.

You shall spend it as a chick, now that you have done so many evil deeds.

But wait for.

You, you shall sit under Craig Ferguson for the rest of your life.

First of all, there's a flow in your logic here, because Angie Dickinson, whilst the gorgeous eighty six.

Not evil in any well, no, you're not evil at all or delight delight.

And also I noticed that your evil wizard was English and also Irish.

So I don't I don't think that.

Well he started off, he started he always they always land a little bit Irish, you know, it's better than land Land over that way.

Well, my, when I do accent work, it's usually can you do a Scottish accent? And I say yes, that's pretty much it. The only English I did an English voice and Drew Carry show.

But that was bad. That was a bad English one.

Let's go to a clip.

Craig Ferguson from Drew Carry. Oh, I'm gonna fire you right away. Get the hat out of here, Drew Carry. My name is Craig Ferguson. No, no, it was mister Wick. It was mister Wegg.

Okay, so I said, carry, you're fired.

Oh, very good.

I went for port. I went for Porch before Nawby before it was cool. It's still not cool.

But I just learned something about British people, you know who live, you know, very close to you in Scotland. The British people. Did you know that? Very like until our childhood you could go to a shop in the in the the East End and get jellied eels to eat.

Oh oh wait wait you can still. You can still go to stores in the East End of London and get jelly deals. It's a delicacy. How well you go into this or first of all, you get on your flat cap.

Yeah, I go in I'm doing now, I'm doing some pretty weird yeah, thumb thumbs in your raise. Go oh shit, Okay.

You go into the store to say jelly deals please, and they say why certainly, And they don't put.

You in a straight jacket and take you this, say we're taking you to the lunatic asylum because no one would eat todays.

No, they eat jelly deals. And the thing is, the.

Eels are very good near the sewage outlets because you know what eels like to eat, so the eels that they eat.

Threw that out so casually, No, we don't know what they'd like to eat. Do eels eat poop? There are saying eat something like poop or something I don't want to.

Yeah, I think eels eelsily anything in organics, and that includes you know, they don't.

Know it's poop their eels.

They just think, Wow, what's all this amazing delicious stuff coming out of this pipe.

They don't know it's poop. It's probably got other eels. God with this thing went sideways quick. I'm sorry I asked about it. I just thought you'd probably know about it as it's a delicacy from nearby. You.

Well, English people eat well Cockneyese. Basically they call them Cockneyes because they eat.

The cock was a totally different reason. I've always assumed. I heard Michael Caine and I when I heard Coxes, I just thought, Wow, this guy seems I thought his acting was amazing. I didn't know.

It's that that's their favorite in the East end of London. That's why they have That's why they have their thumbs and their waistcoats for balance. It's about center of gravity. Uh, they have to.

They have to hold themselves back thumbs and his in order weight the weight.

Would the eel were back to their jellied deal would just tip them straight forward they'd go.

But here's the thing. But here's the thing.

That's only male cocknes, female cognies female. He's actually the correct name for a female cockney is a magni.

Magnigne.

Yeah, because of cockney in a agny.

Anyway, I'm dying to try some of these jellied eels once I get back to that part of the world.

Well, you know that you can get you get maguru, isn't that No, that's tuna.

But there you eat. You can get eels in sushi.

Rest So Japanese people eat eels and and and buy the extension.

People who enjoy Japanese food eat eels.

Your I know your how your family is a big Marmite family. You're a Marmite guy or aters? Yeah, yeah, yeah, but that there's no eels in marmite. It could be that could be just takes no, no, it takes one genius to do that.

No, no, no, that's absurd. Tom, marmaie is a vegetarian treat. You add eel to it, It's not gonna work.

I would actually think if I'm gonna eat an eel and anyway, Marmont's going to be my way out, Marmite's going to be the only going to be the only way to get me to the other side of this tunnel. Oh you mean like for taste taste wise, I need something that.

I never had, never tried.

Deal. No, IM not going to do it, never had it, Not going to do it. Have you ever been to Japan? No, I haven't. See.

Now you have to get yourself to Japan. Now, I went to a sushi restaurant in Japan. Now, I said before I went, I was just like you. I was like, I will never eat I never And I went to Japan and I went to have you ever seen the documentary Guo Dreams of Sushi?

Only like a million times? I know that. Did you go to that place?

I went to that exactly, Jero, Yes, it was.

He nice to you.

He he was okay because I've heard I heard I heard he's a little stand off. Well, no, I think he's formal. I think he's very he's very formal. It's very manners. And I went to the restaurant with Milo thirteen at the time. Right, So Mylein and I go to this restaurant because we had watched the documentary, and we go in and and they just.

Gito sign just tells you what you're going to have.

Yeah you can't.

Yeah, yeah, you don't get to choose. It's like, here's what it is. And if you've seen the documentary, you'll know that his son is really big.

Take sushi said the.

Sun is how they got the Michelin star repairs or the ray exactly. Was he's a three? Yeah, I mean it's I think he's a three. He's a three star, which is the highest it goes. And then they took one away because it's too hard to get a table. So and he agreed. He had agreed. He said, that's okay, you can take one away. But one of the rules of Michelin Stars is I think his restaurant, how many seats, how many seats are in the restaurant total.

It's not big.

It's it's about size, a little, little little diner. It's like a little diner. It wasn't busy when I was in you.

If I've been to your you have a bigger sushi restaurant in your.

Else in my house, I've been there.

I've seen it.

The person in my house I've never been. Sometimes I go to the areas of my house, I'm.

Like, wow, look at this chair, and you've got that weird karaoke place over there.

Yeah, it's it's pretty big. But here's the thing. Though I've moved back to America to I know, I keep keep.

Tabs on you. I keep tabs on you a little bit.

I live in New England. Though.

I actually had a party this summer and I was invited you to come to the party in the summer and you and you didn't.

You didn't come.

I know, I didn't make it.

I do want to come though I'm dying to come. Yeah, you know why I should come here. We we have eels like you would be.

You know why I couldn't come. I couldn't come because I had to go do I got. I got. I'd agreed to do something, and I forgot when it was happening. But have you ever done one of these? I never would do it. I would never would do it except the you know how the movie business is in a giant recession. Well from all shows. For me, it is.

So I hear you.

I did the first ever, and I'd always been sort of dubious about these, but I had. I went and did a I had to do. I had to do, I got to do. It was really fun. I did a fan convention. I'd never done a fan convention. All right, it's a really you've never done one.

I supplied demand, my friend. I don't have enough fans. Oh no, you definitely have enough fans, you you do. No, not enough for a convention, maybe enough to for if we all went to the sushi restaurant.

I'll tell you, Michelin, I'll.

Tell you right now. Not everybody at the fan convention has enough fans for a convention. Some folks definitely do. Some folks definitely do. You'll meet some real you'll meet some real interesting folks at the fan convention.

Oh wait, is it a fan convention that that like they first of all, here and here's the main my main content.

Do they pay you to go? Yes? Okay? Good?

So I'm still listening and say, is it fans of Reno ninety one one? Is it fans fans the idea of show business in general?

So like, here's a perfectly logical one corner of the fan convention that makes perfect sense. Ready is me and then Dennis Rodman and then Priscilla Presley, just the way that you always pictured us. You know how they sell that ice cream that's like three if you can't decide what you want, you know, Neapolitan. I think it's called after the Flag.

I'll have Rodman, Presley, Lennon please, But you don't.

Know, you're like, yeah, I don't want that much of any one of those three, But that for one corner in one beautiful place in Pittsburgh. This year, the Neapolitan ice cream flavor of three tables in a row Priscilla Lieutenant Dangle number ninety one, Dennis the Worm Rodman, And it makes if you think about it, it makes perfect sense.

Well in a fan convention, So describe the few.

Know, it's a very fun bunch. It was just it's a little it feels a little bit like you're at comic con. You know, it feels like you're at its people. You know, it's the it's uber fans. I'll say this. I've been on. You know I've been on and I know you've done this too. I've been on a couple of book tours when I've written a novel and gone out with a book, and you know who shows up at bookstores? Yeah, almost no one. Oh yead, no, that's true. Oh god, it's.

I've been sitting in so many books, especially especially no. I mean, look, I'm a very booky person, as you can tell.

You've been bragging about your literacy for years.

Yeah, I'm like, I'm a reader. But I don't I can't tell you the last name I read a book. It's hard with all the business of I don't know on my last pictures of eels.

My last novel and stuff, my last novel that I wrote. I had a book I went to had a book event up in San Francisco, just kind of just outside San Francisco. And I'm like, this is going to be so cool something like that. This could have been, yeah, could have been. And I got to the book event and there were twelve people at the book event, Craig, you ready, and six of them were my cousins. Six of them. Six of them was the San Francisco branch of the Lenons, of which there's a pretty big there's

It's funny. Now you surprised me. I don't think that. I didn't know the Irish went to San Francisco.

Oh yes, yes, yes, so the Irish went to San Have you not seen the picture called dirty Harry Callahan.

Oh that's true.

Yes, not only that, my uncle Mike Lenin speaking out. So Michael Lennon, my father's older brother, was a captain on the San Francisco Police Force for like forty something years.

Well, that's that's that's the police though, all the police.

No, No, that's what we do we're Yeah.

Until ninety about nineteen eighty seven, every policeman in the United States.

That's what we're doing, and many of most of them were my cousins, many or most of them.

Yeah, well that's Ireland, and then that's the Viking things.

That's a good job for us.

It seems to work out a couple of iris. No, No, it doesn't at all, likes you know, and I think about it.

It's one of the reasons though, that I always felt very comfortable in Boston, because I felt like I looked like every call in the city.

I lastic if I was doing like a Muppet Christmas Carol, where there's a Boston cop Ferguson, you're my number one. Really he would be like, oh my god, number one, Like, well, first of all, are you doing them up at Christmas Carol? Are you ready for this? You're ready for this? And I made a sort of a joke about that. I think that's because in my subconscious the state is working on a Do you ever remember a state sketch called Porcupine Racetrack that I wrote, Oh no, we didn't do it,

I do know.

I know Brian very well. Actually, we've not made a bunch of television show.

That's what we're doing right now. He and I are not making something.

He's a lovely guy. I love making television.

Close to having almost not made something with him.

Yeah, that's I have not made about four great TV shows when Brian had I think he is a lovely man, though so lovely. Did you get two of the studios against the studios?

We did?

We got to go in that crazy meeting room, so it's not I mean, it's so crazy.

It's Chaplain Studios. It was Charlie Chaplin Chaplin's the studios in Hollywood.

And they recorded We Are the World there, which I'm sure you've seen the documentary Wait Tonight that's recorded at Yes, yes, yes, yes, when it was then it was a music company for a long time. Uh, And they recorded because I think right there.

I think I think I did hear that, because I think they had also said that the carpenters had recorded.

Very very likely Karen Carr. Karen carpenters as a drummer. Karen Carpenter is a great drummer. Let's go to a clip and we're back. What I mean, Yeah, those great Karen Carpenter clip.

So, no, we're working, we're working on I'm gonna act like we're working on it and it's gonna work out fine, you know, and just.

Let's let's just say it's going on if you know it's in television right now, though, I mean this is true. I think it's certainly true for me. Like I I'm like, I'm not involved in television right now. Whenever I pitch anything to anyone, they're like, oh that's great. Now I never hear anything again.

I'm in a very weird place where I do, you know, Like I'm writing a show for Fox that I've been writing for about two years now. But then I'll have like auditions for like roles that you would think I could just get, you know, like they like recently auditioned for like weird guy who's in charge of the pickleball rules at Like weird guy. They're like fifties mustache, persnickety asshole who's in charge of the Pickleballs committee, and I'm like, I have to audition for this.

Well, here's I had the same thing. Somebody said, I got the I got. Somebody said to me, they said, we'd like you to do a chemistry read with the other star, and that we wanted to put you with I went, well, I don't. I don't need to do a chemistry what are you talking about? A chrimesty read this part? By the way, was this recently?

Yes?

Was it this within this last year?

Definitely within the last six months.

Did we did we read for the same role and neither of us get it? Was it? Did you sign a non disclosure agreement where you couldn't talk about it?

No? I didn't know. No, I did you did? All right? Let me.

Oh, because I because I wouldn't do the chemistry reading, or you didn't even do it?

No, I'm like, you know, what can we get?

Can we get vaguely more specific? Was it it wasn't for some Is it for okay, okay, people playing a long concuss? Was it for a streaming service whose logo is a famous bird?

Yeah? I believe it was.

Yes, it was so it was for a streaming It was a high end streaming show, beautiful sur famous for showing off. It's beautiful plumage. And I'm not saying the name of anything, but he has beautiful plumage. Yeah, he's got his cock goes down to his knees. It's that is so And the rule.

I can't imagine we were up for the same rule because the guy was Scottish.

Oh no, then we know we weren't. We weren't.

Oh wait no wait, and I said, no, no, no, here'scots.

That's just something you thought. Of course.

I think that's why I do. That's why I do.

In every script I read, I read the script, go, well this guy, I'll tell you right now, why do I read it?

And I'm like, well, thank god, this guy has a mustache. And then nowhere doesn't say that and I just told you he does. I'm like, well, lucky, it's another it's another mustache part for me.

Well, I I don't know. I mean, it just seems like a very odd time.

And every time I talked to a television executive now, I mean, look, I never never loved television executives, but no, I just think you guys are fucking idious.

I wouldn't trust you to park my car.

Can I say what's better about your version of the story? Though? So we both were reading for something for the Beautiful Bird streaming service, right. I did do the chemistry read right, and I did it, and I thought it felt like I was having Maybe I'm deluded. I might be a little delusional. You've known me for a long time. It seemed like one of the bad It seemed like one of the great auditions of my life.

Really, I just knew I was killing it.

Were you reading with an actress, an actress who's sort of specific?

No, I I know who the actress was. But I refused to do the reading. I was like, didn't do it? Job or fu off?

Oh see, that should have worked better for me because I did do the reading and I still didn't worry me. Fine, let's go, let's right now. Let's find out who got that and get him on this fucking podcast right now because I want to figure out what did Let's.

Let's go to a commercial break, let's let me come back.

We'll bring in who actually scooped me. I love that you had the balls not to just say I'm not going to do that.

I don't by the way, that's a blanket policy for me.

Not Yeah, but I can't. I can't do that.

Of course you fucking can. No, I can't know who you are.

No, they don't you, but they don't.

They do they do they do that, otherwise they wouldn't have asked you.

Well, my hubris, as always, the second they see me read it, I'm gonna get it. Like, there's no way they see me do this and not give it to me because I'm amazed.

I mean, well, you are very amazing.

My feeling is that if they see me doing it and they'll never give me to go.

Keep the keep the mystery up there.

Yeah, I just think, Oh, you'll be sorry you never gave.

It to me. They'll never know what it was like. You'll never know.

Yeah, I don't know.

Though. I always had a hard time with auditions. I could never do them. I failed so many additions.

Worst one ever, worst one ever for fun Brave Heart? Did you you did not audition for Brave Heart? I did the friend like his best friend guy. Who there's the other dude?

Yeah, the one I got I auditioned for I can't remember the exact part, but the actor who got it was David O'Hara, who's a.

Very good sure of course. Yeah.

And it was between David and I to get the part, and David got it and I and it's crushed me ever since, crushed me. And then and and but recently I was talking to someone and they said, well, you know, have you talked to David recently, maybe even at like to have gone the way you went?

I went, oh, yeah, that's a very good point. I The one that always broke my heart was there was about six weeks where it was pretty certain that I had the role of Ford Prefect in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Oh yeah, no, I like I I basically I read it, did it seemed amazing. Didn't hear for a little while, and then I got a call They're like, hey, they want you to do the voice of the of the spaceship. I'm like, oh wait, that's like two or three lines off camera. They're like, yes,

I wouldn't put you guys in a competitive situation.

Never has the mustache hardly ever, Well, that's true.

I actually I actually feel now it's funny that film because I was was and I am a huge fan of the Hitchhikers guys I met. Do you know Douglas I knew Douglas. I did not, and I did, so I knew him in London. Yeah, and I was a big fan of these books. In fact, Stephen Fry introduced me to Stephen Fry and Douglas Adams were the first two guys in London to ever own.

The Apple computers. They were very early adopters.

Of of PC, these Apple PC's, and they were both tech geeks. But Douglas Adams is the world the Hitchhiker's Guide series the best. I I thought that movie was a missed opportunity.

You know.

I actually recently I'd been talking so much smack about it to my son because I was. I gave him Hitchhiker's Guide, and I gave him basically Restaurant at the End of the Universe and the Long Dirty you know, all of the books in I order. And then I was talking smack about the movie a little bit and all He's like, put, you're in the movie I'm like, yeah, my voice is in the movie for a couple seconds here and there. But and then I actually threw it on the screen and we watched it, and it was

Yeah, you know, that's fine. Well, maybe that maybe I should go and look at it again.

That quite a low.

Yeah, what's the what's the biggest movie you've been in where you thought I really wish I wasn't in this movie. This movie sucks, or or I just don't like this movie even tho though I'm in it.

Oh, okay, I can tell you. I mean, here's a huge one. Here's a huge one, right, and this is interesting. My name is on the poster of this movie. So I read the script for this movie and the movie is called Ready, puppet Master, The Littlest Reich, puppet Master, the Littlest Reiche.

So I have to I have to see this. I have to see this.

So so it's like the seventh, it's like the seventh, eighth, or ninth of these haunted puppet movies. And I get the I get a call. We were supposed to go to a respon was going vacation. And I get a call and they're like, we have a straight up offer for you. And I'm like, well, the answer is yes, you know me. I mean like if it's a chemistry read for peacock or or a straight offer, I'm going

You know?

There's some sort of kissing and fun stuff and some stabbing. I get stabbed by a puppet, and you know there's a lot of dumb just dumb joada viv you know, the joada vive that you enjoy. It's like go down to Dallas, stay in an awful hotel, fight murderer, fight puppets for a you know, a couple three weeks or something like that.

Beautiful.

Yeah, you have nice dinner and stuff like that. Now, then I went I saw the picture, and not only they, actually the producer and the guys that have made them movie. After we finished the movie, they added way more scenes that were never in the script, that are so stunningly violent and so gross that actually, had they been in the script when I agreed to it, I might not have said, yes, it gets so gross.

That's the problem with agreeing to do a movie when you only read your lines in the script.

I do too. This is my technique.

Yeah, but that happened to be because I'm in a very very big This movie that I was at, it's made more money than any other movie I've ever been done. It won the Oscar that year for Best Animated Movie. I know what this movie is, Yeah, well is it? It's not brave?

It is brave.

No, I don't know brave. It wasn't truef We were saying that, the Rames saying yeah.

No, it's brave and I am in that movie.

And I when I was sitting and watching the movie and the it was like, I like this movie.

You know.

The thing about we've had like so many movie is now where somebody, the mother or the daughter turns into a bear. It just keeps being a thing. I don't know when this became a thing that we're doing, but it is a thing.

So you can't poison you you don't get what you want, and so you poison your mom to turn her into a bear.

That is no lesson to be given to young people. You know that.

I might be against you on this one.

I never enjoyed that one.

Didn't you want How to Train Your Dragon? Also?

Oh yeah I did all of that.

Oh yeah, that's some good ones. Yeah yeah, those are great. But those are really great. I love those ones.

They are good.

They're really good. I have nothing bad to say about them. They were fun and I love doing them.

They're doing a live action of that. Really that's gonna be I'm not in it, but.

You could be. Are you willing to do a chemistry test? You do a quick chemistry test?

No, I'm not. I'm definitely not.

I'm not it And they didn't ask me to don it, but it doesn't mean I think Jerry's doing it, and he's the only one from the the original ca then I think he is doing it, and then everybody else because I know there's obvious problems in the sense that, you know, we don't look like the people that we were in the thing.

Well, that's a good thing about an animation. Yeah, we have a I have a funny thing. I have so many, Like I've gotten to the point now where I have created things that just kept going without them even telling me about them. Like I actually hosted the pilot fort at the original at midnight. Do you remember that.

I knew you remember that.

I didn't want to do I didn't want to do it, so I wanted Chris was gonna do it, and Chris hosted the whole time. And then I just found out. But i'd sort of produced it and kind of helped create it, and then I just found out later I got a call from the fun of your Die guys like, hey, we're gonna keep doing the show. I'm like, lucky me kut chin kuch. I don't own any of it at all. Turns out I own none of it.

At all.

No, none. So now I have to go sit next to Dennis Rodman every weekend. Every weekend, I sit next to Rodman. I get to sit I get to sit next to Robin. I've only done one. I've only done one.

I'm into it though, I like, do you just say autographs and stuff?

Is that you just be charming all day? You'll be exactly the way that you are at home, except it's out in person and people are squeezing your buns a little bit. You get a little bit of hank let me squeeze them.

Now, let's get this little Glasgow boy up.

You know, well you.

Go, you put it like that, Yeah, I might do you get a couple of little.

Pats on the bottom, just so you know you're doing a good job. And then uh no, that's all right. Yeah it's a good time. But oh no. And then I also like they made Disney made a full animated tell you speaking about just auditioning for something. I got a funny I got a funny audition story. So I got I got the you know, just an email from my agent which is, you know, there's an animated night

Well, let me give you a codicil to my Braveheart story. So I didn't get the role in Braveheart. Every Scottish actor in the UK gets a job in Braveheart.

It sent me. I'm disillusioned beyond belief.

Of course.

So it's the early nineties. I go, well, I found enough of this. Oh, clearly I can't do Anthoneer. I go to America. Right, I'm in Los Angeles. I'm trying to get work in Los Angeles and my agent at the time says, hey, they're doing an audio book of the movie Braveheart and they're looking for a Scottish actor to read the audiobook of Bravefeart and I'm like, fine, I'll go out because I'll get it. I'm the only

That it's done. God, you're perfect for this school, perfect right exactly.

By the way, I can't believe you had to audition even for.

This well, he used to think. Though I auditioned it, I don't get the job.

You didn't get the movie or the audio book or the audio Oh my god.

And the casting director told my agent, because I'm like.

How could they not get me the job?

I'm the only Scottish person in between here and New York City And they said, they said, well, we just didn't feel his accent was authentic.

Oh my god, Like right, I give up none, Oh my god.

And at that point I had to become English and go on the Drew Carey Show, which I booked about a week later. But that was it was. I've never been so crushed. I couldn't even get a job as a scotsman.

I have the worst non audition story. The worst thing I just found out about later. I never had an audition for it ever. I just found out later because there was a book about the Office that I was on a casting list for the Michael Scott role in the Office.

That would have made sense.

I know, it does make sense. And then in some ways when it came out and it was like the apparently there was a memo and there was a bunch of funny people on it. Paul F. Tompkins was on as a genius, and yeah, a bunch of really funny people. But then I was like, oh, you know, maybe I wish I don't know, maybe it would have been more fun not to know that. It's fine. It's fine anyway you slice it. It's we did great. We had a

My dynasty got the Dynasty Angie Dickinson chair.

I I was Fudge Dickinson actually because I was coming of age.

She was yeah, police women, she's like a boss, she's like a real alpha lady. She's like, there's there was a certain era of lady like that that, yeah, she'd be the boss, you know, she'd.

Yeah, she would like she would look great in heels, but she had also fire a gun and jump over a car and and catch pairs.

Mine was mine was like Stepan Mine was Stephanie Powers from like Heart to Heart, I sort of call my vision of myself as an adult was basically that I would be in sort of like a My lifestyle would be very hard to heart lifestyle of like fast cars, murders very much. My lifestyle, very heart to heart. The murder was the bubble bats and murders. Champagne so much champagne, bubble do so much.

Champagne, and that's so dangerous.

Do you know that?

I Mine is a pretty obscure one. This is my absolutely absolute sex symbol from the kid was an actress called Alexandra Bastido.

You're gonna have to they're gonna have to give me a little bit of background on this.

Okay, So in the UK, and I guess it would be their late sixties early seventies, there was a TV show called The Champions. Okay, and the Champions they were previously.

The Champions Champions.

There were there were.

Three spies agents and they had superpowers, like we could talk to each other.

Almost, yeah, just tell Canesis or they had like.

Right, the superpower they had.

They would go like that and then they would post production would go, that's right.

Said doctor who Superpowers. Yeah, it's right.

Like there was like an egg whisk or something would commit and float around and then But the Alexandra past was in the show, and she was a young woman at the time, I was a child, but there was she used to.

Wear she had these kind of like Chanel suits.

And they were kind of tight, and she would like drive cars, you know, and walk in places.

And this was a real thing at the time. This was a very much of a thing in our era because there was always those commercials with like Gina te after Batsplash and she's like a and she like rads that motorcycle. But then she's in a suit and you can't believe when she takes off mother cycle how much she is in a she has grit hair.

Yeah, all of that. So she was she was very, very very attractive woman.

And and I always I've always told my whole life, I always said to.

Megan, the I the ideal woman for me was I.

Was again the first was until like man Megan was Alexandra by Stephen.

So for my birthday one year.

No uh Meghan and so Megan and the boys got me a signed photograph nice from that period of Alexandra Bastido. Nice and it was a great So I hung it up because when I come back from Japan and beat in Japan with Milo, I thought I loved the toilet so much in.

Japan that I bought it's a toto or one of those amazing.

Unbelievable like the one that goes it'll up your bottom, it'll say a haiku, it'll do a high co Yeah, unbelievable. I am happy to accept your race. I mean it's unbelievable. So you've got so yeah. No, wait, here's what happens.

So we I get this photograph of Alexandra Bastido and I put it up in my bathroom because then every time I go and.

It was like, why is cre It's Craig been in the bathroom for four he's so but he's missing Christmas dinner. Where is he? He's looking at it, He's got his photo up. You know what he's doing.

Here's the thing.

The Alexander the because the photograph is up there. The slang word for going for a poop in my house, the.

Was copping a bustino. I remember a young boy crush. These are always such a fun thing, young boy crushes, because I got on an airplane one time and I almost fainted with how starstruck I was by the miss Susan Lucci. Okay, I saw Susan Lucci in person, and I mean.

Did you give her a namy?

I was she not nominated for like thirty five forty years or something like that.

Unbelievable? Yeah, I mean it was just a terrible.

But I saw Susan Lucci in person. It was a I don't here, I think getting up. We were getting on the same flight, and I was just like, I can't, Oh my god, I'm about to be on the same airplane as Susan Lucci. Really freaked me out. I was just so like, I'll just I'm sure I look her. I must look fine, right, I'll just fix this hello, and I m hello.

But do you ever get that now?

I mean I used to get an adrenaline rush for night, like when a starstruck. When I was Yeah, I don't get that anymore. This doesn't that happen.

I'm trying to think who could star strike me? These days? Occasionally there's a music person that you know, I got very starstruck. I I my first week in Los Angeles, I asked Tom Waits for his autograph, which was a huge mistake. Never do that, never ever, ever do that. Do not approach Tom Waits. He does not want to say.

Kind of like, it's kind of like asking Lou Reed.

I woulterally step towards him with a pen and like a pad of paper and he said naked quick and then he asked. I was like, mister Waits, could I have your autograph? And he said what are you gonna do with it? And I said, I'm putting it on the bulletin board. But I should I shouldn't have done it. But I'm trying to think who would I get? Really? I mean, you know, but you've met oh I held the bathroom were open for Mick Jagger at the Chateau Marmont one time.

Yeah, yeah, and with make Jagger? Yeah you know, ma, didn't you make a movie with Mike Jaggs exactly?

That's your famous thing is you almost make movies and TV shows with people.

Almost make movies that for about a year I didn't make a movie with Mike Jagger.

I think I was a little starstruck. And you know, he said, Fanks. I held the bathroom door and he said Fanks, and I have thanks. And that was pretty neat.

But why not going in the ballroom? Want you waiting around trying to say, just go backhand?

But it was awfully nice that was at the Chateau Marmont.

He's very very nice man.

But I mean, I guess I was just hanging out with Dennis Rodman. So in some ways it's like Rodman if I didn't get starstruck by Rodman, which I did a little bit. He's also six foot seven inches tall. Of course, you know.

Also he knows about talk about Cockney's.

I mean, I can't talk about it, talk about Cockneys when you're number ninety one? The worm?

Yeah? Is that why they call them the worm?

I'm not actually sure. I think that was because he's kind of hard to wrangle. Why did that something.

Just pick him up? Not a big one, not a big earth worm. Look, a worm is just a land eel, that's all it is.

It's just a land we're closing every loop. We've closed every loop. We got cocks, we got land.

I think I think we've closed every lip. But I think it's time to stop. I think it's time to stop. I think we've closed them all. I think we did that.

We started with eels and we'll finished with eels. And I'm very delighted that you that you did the show again. Show every day whatever the it's not a show. Though it's not a show.

I would talk to you every day, whether someone was listening or not. And in fact, when are you next to back east or or actually we'd be back east either late in the fall January. I speaking of things that are always happening, I've written a musical that is going very very slowly, but at something Broadway music, Broadway musical. I've written the book of the musical of Trading Places.

The old movie was so amazing.

It's been very very I was hoping you were going to say it was it was about Aaron Burr as a kind of you know counterpiece that.

By the way, that's a fabulous idea. Why don't you do that?

Oh?

I love the idea I Aaron Burr. I've just read Gorvi Dall's biography of Aaron Burr. It's have you ever read it?

I have not.

You have to.

It's crazy, yeah, amazing. I mean when people talk about the election, now, this has.

Never been like this. I go, wait a minute.

When Aaron Burr was the vice president, he was on trial for murder and treason and still the bread vice president, he ran away to New Orleans to raise an army to try and become the Emperor of Mexico. Might drop to everybody that's doing stuff today.

Okay, I did not know the Emperor of Mexico stuff.

Wow, oh my wow, wow. Ease see.

I think there's a great musical in there with Iron Burr as the hero and Hamilton, you know, is the other side of the story.

I always remember when I saw Hamilton. The first time I saw Hamilton, I talked to you after. I was like, I saw Hamilton and I loved it, And you were like, do you think that they say son of a whore and a Scotsman that it was a little derogatory?

Wait a little bit, because he's the way he.

Says like horror and a Scotsman like worse.

Oh, it's kind of the best. Son of a whore and Scotsman.

It's like taking an eel and you put it in jelly jelly meat, eel and scene.

We're done, Get the hell out of here. Tom Lennon, I love you, correct I love you too,