Joel McHale

My name is Craig Ferguson. The name of this podcast is joy. I talked to interest in people about what brings them happiness. Joel McHale is about as tall as a person should be, and he's funny and he's my friend here he is.

What were you doing when you were eighteen?

Oh?

Man, that's made me feel very nervous. Let's see eighteen, I was in a what were you doing? You You were sporty, so that was very sporty. That saved you probably from the world of drugs.

So we yeah, my brothers and I had already totaled five cars and my dad was like, I'm going to have a tick and he was like, I'm having a tremor because of you guys.

That make me so nervous.

How come you total cars? I mean were you driving them?

Stealing them? No?

No, we just weren't great at It took us a while. You know, it's like learn It is like learning a sport. We just were very lucky we didn't get hurt. But I think of you like you're.

Kind of all American though, So when you were crashing those cars, you were crashing them in a wholesome, reasonably wholesome.

Oh very much. Yeah, I crashed them into like a Walmart. Yeah, and.

Yeah I was very charitable and you were and you were sober when you were crashing those cars. Yeah, oh yeah, definitely. Though you know, there was people in my high school who weren't so yeah, I was. I really enjoyed my teenage years.

Did you really like I loved play like I was terrible at school, but I loved playing sports and I loved it.

Was like you were like a proper like football player, like a tight end.

Right.

Well, I played one year in high school and then I joined the team when I was a freshman in college out of sort of a whim but as far as like so, I had played a few years.

But I played baseball and basketball. And see that's very impressive and wholesome and good. That's why you're in such great shape now because you got into it when you were young. Oh no, this is desperation.

Some of my friends who are way better athletes now, they look like, you know, oh, like a swollen alien that happens to you, Like guys, wait, like a blob. Now, they're just like a blob with multiple you know, like the.

Thing do you know that, But that could be great shape for the thing I mean that species.

Oh you're right, you know, I mean you're you're applying.

It could have been a very lean, lean thing that just devoured human being. It was only devouring protein. It wasn't there wasn't any carbohydrates.

It was on that diet.

Was that diet again? The protein the keto diet Keto with the Zatkins, Well you think is with those dice because I've tried them all, the keto one in particular. I think you pooped like once every couple of weeks. It's does notice not enough for me?

Well I say it and date it and David and David analyzed no uh souf door Dodley.

Used to do.

He used to like in his diary every mom and he would start talking about what his poop was, Like.

What are you like the guy that one of the greatest painters ever?

Well, you feel like he was pretty he was okay, okay, yeah, he was a great draftsman, but something of a of a shulman. I think you think the the melting clocks were just a bit muck or the tiger bursting out of the cow. You know, you know what I like, I like a sort of blue huge Senorita on velvet. Now you go at something Elvis, maybe on velvet velvet Elvis, who was the artist?

I think I was?

I think so yeah, I think that's the one that that made him get drunk afterwards. You like, what have I done with the Italian of French? I can remember that sounded like neither, what have I done?

Now?

I must give Oh my gosh.

Now I would just think.

Of you, are you an artificial?

How are you like?

Seriously, I'm good at faking it. Sarah, isn't That's what it's going to say. Sarah's really smart with the arts. She knows all that stuff. I took one class in college the history of Renaissance art was kind of a you know, a survey, and that really set me up grade for parties.

So you could say, the girl, that's how you go, Sarah, isn't it? You were like, yeah, do you like felsquiz? Yeah?

It was like, you know Giado's chapel, Oh nice in Padua.

And then you could see you were born in Italy because I was forget I mean, you were born in Italy, so you can do the whole what's the coming ago.

I don't understand your language.

A lot of this you can't see it on the microphone, but I'm just taking the tips of my fingers and doing that.

Do a lot of this. You know what that is. That's the upside down. Emuse Right there, that's what you do, the upside down.

Emuse. Wait where were you born New Zealand? Were you really?

No?

I was born in Calland like, but but it is people bring up the time, like, oh, you're born like like I had anything to really do with it other than a pyrrhic Well yeah, but I mean with HBU when you left Italy thirty one, Well, so you're gonna go like you know two, but can you speak Italian?

No? I did lose my passport there.

It got stolen and I walked into the American consulate and they were they kept coming back, and because they saw that I was born in Italy, they were like, they were so confused. I'm like, I lost my passport. Do you have any bubble gum? I don't know what's going on. I can't buy any peanut butter. And they were like, you're not an Italian. I'm like, well not kind of what's.

The coming to go. I kind of find that's bad, isn't it? No, it's good.

You know what do you know what happens in Glasgow. There's a big Italian community in Glasgow and the Italians that like, especially like second generation. They speak Glasgow accents, but but they have Italian Glasgow accents. So it's amazing sentence that hey, how you used to do? And then you come at to my show up and maybe we come over to you. You like it the feshion chips, it's very very strange. I love it that that needs to be a show. Well, Italian Glass region. Yeah, that's

It was mud and del Christmas and then back to mud in January.

But you got Kashta for Christmas Day made of mud, mud, custard.

Obviously I'm assuming now. I mean obviously with the food revolution, now there's like high end Scottish cooking where oh my god, yeah, the Hagis has never been better.

Yeah, I mean in the higas Is. Actually it's like a well you're a foodie guy. I do like food, but yet you want to eat one meal of the day. Yeah, it's a you know, it's a duality that yeah, well the young aduality, or maybe it's just a straight up eating disorder.

Oh I hope so do you think so?

I've just thought it could be just well, uh, you know, I try to keep below a certain weight.

I want to be one hundred and twenty two pounds all the time.

Dude, that's never I have to lose it. I have to lose seventy Your arm with one hundred and twenty two finds. Look at that arm, that's an amazing During the pandemic only one you look like a crab that lushed the fight.

What happened?

Just just work in one arm. The clog got ripped off during the pandemic. I was like, if I don't work out every day, I'm gonna.

Just But you're in great shape. Well, I mean you look like you're thirty years old. Thank you for saying that.

Well, it's also the hair transplants that helped too.

You've got a hair transplant, and you've got and you work out. Yeah, I transplanted all this down here up there.

I don't believe you, because it would be much curlier and finer. You have no idea what it's like down there. Oh, live hair. It's not fair.

This is the hair I always wanted.

Well my hair.

You wan my hair man, and you know it was great because you have some gray hair, like you went gray early and it was hard to tell what your age was.

Not anymore. Well, I disagree you because you have you have. Dude, I'm sixty one, yusual. I know, let's be so terrifying. It's terrifying. I mean like when I get up in the in the morning, like just stand up out of bed, like crickety noises, like like all my buons click, and your wife is like, uh oh, she's she thinks who dropped the matches?

You get a hip replace maternity while you were sleeping.

I thought about it, but you're you look great.

I'm okay, I'm okay.

I I also eat one meal a day, but then what I do is I eat all day.

It's a day is dark today I am, And I.

Think I may have an eating disorder a little bit. I have an unhald I have an unhealthy pathological relationship with food, for sure, because like I'm staying in a hotel right now, right, you know the drawer that has candy in it? Yeah? Yeah, I went to that drawer yesterday and I was like a raccoon. I just like ate everything, Like the wrappers roll everywhere and everything.

It's a mess. And I so I it's if it's in front of you, You're gonna eat it.

Yeah, I'm like the dog.

You know, if you bring groceries home and you leave them in the room with me.

I need them, see, I scream out loud, get behind me, Satan when I see that candy. And sure people in the other rooms complain because they think Satan's and you're right, but it's good for me to just declare it and then and then I usually flush it all down the toilet with the cocaine.

I did that. I didn't, no way, Yeah, I tried that.

I was on tour and there was like they give you know, sometimes you go to play a casino or something, they say, oh, enjoy the chocolate basket, you know of So there was a basket of chocolate in my room and I was like, I don't know what to do because it was the middle of the night. So I dipped to end the toilet so I wouldn't eat it. And then you ate it. Then that's like you know me, but you burn You still didn't stand up and stuff like that around you ever do it?

Though I do, it's been harder. I take gigs like casino gigs. I'm like, I can get there, do it. Yeah, but I haven't had as much time to work on stuff, so there's a lot of you know, there's a lot of scrambling and writing jokes to where I'm going and talking about like that's all right.

Here we are in Calgary.

Yeah, and so I have one more gig and then yeah, and.

You're not going to do it anymore?

Well, no, I want. I love doing it. Yeah, it's great.

It's you've learned a lot of calories doing it.

I used to.

I don't anymore.

I just stand there now. I'm like Gaffigan, No, I just stand there and say things. I'm like, sweary Gaffigan.

I feel like Affagan's he's beginning to move towards a you know, it's getting it's getting edgi.

Yeah, it's get a little edge. Hear.

Well. You know Jim, when he started out, it was pretty edgy, and then he made the stylistic choice to stop swearing. I couldn't do that, no, I I tried it, and then I'll tell you I did it a little bit.

I was worre.

I did a couple of shows with Lano and Arsenio Hall during the summer in casinos, and they said, you have to do a PG thirteen show, So I did, and I kind of liked him. You can't tell fuck I'm PG thirteen. No, and I think you get one. But Arsenio went on first and he used to hope, So.

You know, I'm like, oh, well, okay, it's one for the night. Want not one per person?

I don't know.

I just I didn't want to risk it because you know, people get mad at you.

I think Leno should come out with a special called Fucking Shit Up.

And just blow away. It would be huge.

He is an amazing stand up I mean still, I was like I was watching him because I'd never seen him live, and I was watching him, like, damn, I get it.

You know it's differently you ever seen him live? I have never seen him.

It will blow your mind or some it'll blow some hard. Something will get blown. I did the car show with him. Yeah, oh yeah, I did that. Yeah, but it didn't obviously it's not the same thing. Well, he wasn't doing stand up, but it's much the same. I said to him, I don't know if I know my act, and he said, just keep talking. They don't know this scrap. Keep talking.

That's true, So you should do that when you're worried about do I have enough material?

Just keep talking.

Oh, if it's not funny, they'll just think you're you know, you.

Know that good. But that's all right.

Why I tried, though, they'll think he tried. He stood up there and talked into the microphone. I did do a show in Texas, and they're like, I I didn't realize it that they wanted to be a clean show.

Okay, so did you do it?

I opened up in prayer right and said, Dear God, please help me not to say fuck or shit so much. Yeah, and then I put out a squear jar and and then so there was like a bud.

It actually worked, did it? Did they forgive you? They did well.

The weird part is that like there was like four big rich like Yellowstone donors, right. Two of them were very like conservative as far as talk, and then the other two were screaming fuck at me. They were like, so fuck, we don't care, all right, and so I was like, I don't know what to do.

It's the duality of man, it's right there. It's the young in dilemma. You know, it's just one way or another way. It's Mogliani making the veil. But now it is.

Do you think that if you when you stop swearing, do you feel like I'm betraying my country?

No, I feel like I'm doing better. I feel like I'm finally grown up. And then I don't know. It's it's difficult you when people say things like the stuff that makes me angry it is when people say, well, good comedian doesn't have to swear. I'm like, well, so then Richard Bryor is not a good comedian. Yeah, anywurth is a bad comedity. I mean, that's absurd. It's language, and language is glorious. And I you know, when you mentioned Scottish people and swear. Nobody swears like Scottish people.

Gonna do it anymore.

Do you do your kids swear?

I'm afraid they do. Yes, I do mine.

Yeah.

My parents did not like swearing at all. So I felt, Yeah, when I got out of the house, you really let fly. Well look at this shit. Yeah, And I think it was a reaction.

Did you leave that?

Did you leave the house early? I mean when you when you were young.

We're like eighteen seventy kind of I went to college and moved out. But then were you a dorm guy? But you like you know, I was in a fratern for one quarter and I did not like it.

I kind of ma, you're too smart. Oh well, I don't.

Think there im smart and you're sensitive, you really are. You'd lose your fucking mind.

In that world.

No, And so I moved back home and because it was like I was like, ah, this will be temporary. I'll finish out the year. Yeah, and then I just never did. I stayed home for college. My mom worked at the university I went to, so my mom and I drove every morning to college together.

I must have got so late when you were in college. Turn it over your mom. Hey, who's getting out of that Toyota Camray? It's right.

But here's the thing.

I mean, handicaps. But you'd Sarah met pretty early on. I mean you were young.

Yeah.

I got married when I was twenty four, and you're still married and still happy. Yeah, it's great.

I can't believe again, as I said, someone agree to have sex with me.

Well, you know, she's an odd woman.

You know, she's a fascinating person that she's got unusual taste, and that's great.

It works, you know what I talk about charity and.

And she's artistic. She makes an unusual shape and a juxtaposition of forms and stuff.

How do you know so much about what I look like down there?

I don't know if that's what you look like down there to guess based on what you've told me, and also you you removed all your hair from there? Nothing?

Do you know what hand skins? I'm in so much pain. Oh no, that's that's bad. Is this what you end up talking to Leno about?

We talked about cars. I think a little bit.

I really hope everything die from what he's doing. He's okay, he's all right.

He tried, he's I was like, oh, this is I hope this, this is becoming a pattern.

Now. Well, he showed me, he said, do you know I see the photographs of the operation. I'm like, uh no, but yeah, so on his phone he has photographs. So while they're fixing his face after the burns and the surgical procedure, I was like, who's taking the photographs? Jamon Hey said, Darctor, He's taking the photograph that I did. Yeah, take these photographs and they he's it was his face with all that.

I mean, it's crazy.

It's like and then how many months later did he wipe out on the motorcycle?

It was It wasn't It was like two months. It was like, but you're a car guy, I am, but I don't. Are you motorcycles too?

No?

No, me neither.

I'm done with that. You I that for that is a young man's game. That is a game to play when you don't have kids.

You know, I had an accident when I was forty. Do you ever have an accident on a motor bike?

No, I've had bike accidents, but I can't imagine what it would be like going triple to speed.

It's unbelievable. Man, I being hit by some big fucking dudes. But and some of you you played football, right, so yeah, it's worse than that. It's worse than that, and you aren't And I.

Was, oh my god.

I was like, it's so painful. And then about I don't know, maybe three weeks ago, I fell off a horse. What the what were you doing on a horse? I like, I like being on horses. Okay, you know Megan is horses. Well that's true, so I have to like, but you fell off fell off a horse.

That's a big fall.

Yeah, And I was like, I'm too old for this now because when I was lighting the ground, now though this could be it.

So did you fall off the horse?

Well, you know, it's a long story, but basically the girth was a little tight. It nipped underneath his little leg thing. He buked and threw me right off big horse too. Yeah, I know, but I was only winded because I landed in sand. But I failed.

You know, have you ever you know when you get winded, when you fell, When you get that and you think, I think my spine's gone. I think I'm done breathing.

Yeah, yeah that.

I don't play basketball now because I get scared.

Well, you got to do something. You're in the gym or something, because I work out every day.

I played tennis now because you can't run into other people playing tennis that unless you're playing doubles.

Okay, do you do you like the tennis? I love it so much. Jesus.

I stop running because I have a torn meniscus, but I can still. He'll move around to tennis court. Yeah, I just got to hit it really hard so they have to move.

Do you know it's funny. I really don't care for tennis. It's the sport of your land.

No, it isn't.

Wasn't it Henry the Eighth like tennis? Yeah, I mean I don't know Shakespeare mentioned it. Yeah.

I think the thing about tennis is it seems like a sort of it feels like it's a panty situation, like you take the ball, No, you take the ball, No, you take the ball. It's like somebody just keep the ball.

You could make the same argument about soccer. Why do you keep passing it backwards?

Yeah, you know you could. I'm not lying. I feel like I'm not very connected to sport in a big way. I like to run. Do you go for runs?

I do go for runs. And you can still run. Well, your knees are all right. It's a little trickier than it used to be. I have to slow down.

Yeah, it's a lot of pounding.

No, I think I do love it pounding and I go for see.

I think I think the I think tennis is like a boxing match because it's.

I used to do that a lot too.

See. Yeah, you I never box.

You'd love it. I should have, but I would be all messed up. No, no, no, you can.

You can box with a you wear some stuff and box with someone that you paid and not hurt you.

It works out, especially in La.

Well.

Yeah, there's all sorts of gyms with white guys and yeah, you were like, I can do it.

Go to Karen boxing, you know, with all the white women of a certain age around box are.

Just yelling at people that now, now, now, what are you doing in this neighborhood?

Get out of hair?

And they punch and stuff.

I have a friend, his name's Duffy Culligan, and he's a terrifyingly good box alright, yes, all right, sounds ready good Duffy Culligan, Duffy, it doesn't.

Sound like a boxer. And in the other corner, Duffy Culligan, No Culligan, Zoda Tipperary. And that's going to be it's going to be a hard match today. He is a hard match.

He got his nose broken, so he showed up to school. He showed up to Our kids used to go to the same school. When he just showed up, you were gone by then. With it looked like, yeah, that someone had poured a blood under his skin and it spread out over his face.

See I never did that kind of box. And that's real books. I used to box with a Mexican guy in California. Used to come to house and even train me and I'd boked. But we would come to your home. He would come to the house and we would box in the backyard. And I like, how you paid a guy to try to beat you up? No, no, no, here's the thing.

I paid. I paid him money so that he wouldn't beat me.

Up because he could have beat me up. But I always knew I was hitting him really hard because when I really fucking laughed, like if I really got h well, he'd go like this he good and he would smile.

That's when you know you're dealing with That's why I was like, when people get into fights on the street, I'm like, you have no idea who you're dealing with.

You don't know what could happen.

No, it's bad. I were you ever a scrapper when you were a kid.

I got into a number of I went to Catholic school, so we were always there was always there was a lot of tackle football with no pads during recess and you never knew but the last oh, I guess it was post college that I challenged someone to fight a due. I was like, I challenged thee and I had threw down your gloves, beautiful pistols that I had brought, and

I don't know. I got into a few, but I wasn't any good.

You know.

It always ended up on the ground, like rolling around. Yeah, I think that that.

I don't know. I mean, like, you're ten years younger than me something like that, right, I literally am right, So I have way better hair.

Well, you're much better shape. That's so.

You know, I'm like a hairy, out of shape alien. You were not out of shape. I have a little out of shape, right, Like Yes, the day when I went crazy on the candy drawer in the hotel like a raccoon, it was bad. It was had you eating No, I had gone like twenty four hours. Yeah, so your body was like it was just crazy. Did you get into a lot of fights? Yeah?

Yeah, I did, Like you like, would you start fights or did you just find yourself in the middle of it?

Yeah?

It was kind of like de rigueur.

It was kind of like having a Twitter account when I was growing up and like everybody it's oh yeah, well twigs I call it now, oh, because it's way better Twitter and.

X you mix them together.

Twigs. I'm going to send her a Twix and then you get a twix bar. Yeah, and then you get a Twix, you get a little candy bar. Go crazy on it.

Like a raccoon.

Is a great idea, it's working.

Well, Wait, when's the last time you swung or were swung at, not in a boxing lesson or in a like in in like why I'm in a fight?

I think it'd probably be about nineteen ninety Okay, yeah, because I got sober in nineteen ninety two, and by the time it was nineteen ninety.

I was already losing badly. And every every aggressive situation they were, were they as intoxicated or definitely yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely.

There was no way that anybody sober was going to seriously get in a fight with me because it would be you know, it'd be taking advantage.

Of something you got out of drinking at the right time, because you perpetually, like you know, when people get out of it lake, they they look like there their skin is a leather bag.

Oh yeah, and you don't have any of that.

Well, you know people that I were you were talking about guys that were athletes at the same time as you, and they like they go crazy and they like they stopped working out and they just eat the same amount of calories and going, you know, and just to end double Well, I see guys that I used to hang with, who I drank with, who never stopped right, and it's it's like crazy, they're they're like they can't walk and stuff,

And then it's like, oh, you've in California.

I went, Yeah, it's not really about California. Yeah, it's a it's a little more complicated than just going to California. Yeahthough, there's a.

Lot of meth here, Yeah, there is. Although that keeps you young, my friend, it does. It really keeps the heart rate up and keeps your skinny. So let me ask you this. So you went to Catholic school, right, So are you still a Catholic?

No?

I know you they do say once it's a Catholic.

So well, I still have the guilt that I'll be running away from that for a long time and some of the shame.

But you know, did you raised the well, our boys went at the same school, and that wasn't that was a.

Secular that's well, yes they rented that.

Yeah, Episcopalian, right, but it was a secular you know, it's learning experience. There was no kendo.

Yeah no, And I to this day I love the ritual of the Catholic Mass. Yeah, and my wife and I are basically Presbyterians now, oh, and I like the ritual, but boy, it is Yeah, it's from a know, a guy that said give up all your possessions, and I know, and then you go to the Vatican and you're.

Like, well, yeah, one of these paintings in feed Brazil and it is. So it's a bit of a little tricky. It's a yeah, it's a a junctaposition. I think what it is that because I've become fascinated with Christianity as I get older and I think about dying more.

I don't know if that's.

You're still a bit young for Oh no, I've been thinking about it for twenty five years.

Really. Yeah.

As soon as I hit twenty one, I was like I'm dead. It's over kind of a thing. I mean, I do think about it. So you know, I'm slight. I'm intrigued by Christianity, and as you say from the it started with like give up all your stuff and walk around and.

Just love people. Yeah, didn't talk about gay people, didn't talk about it, never mention any never never wasn't those judgments on anybody.

But what happened, I think is when I think the equivalent of when Constantine co op to Christianity and the Empire, right Roman Empire and became the Roman Catholic Church. Yeah, I think that's like and it hasn't happened yet, but it happened in the next couple of years when Starbucks opens a store at Burning Man.

It's a similar type of co option, do you know what I mean.

It's like it's the incorporation of something that was wildly counterculture being brought further and further into the mainstream until it is available on as Amazon Prime.

So do you think Peter, one of your apostles, would like it was already getting bad, like as far he was like, this is not how it used to be. Guys, we should definitely not have too nice definitely.

I mean I think the minute they started writing the Gospels, and they were kind of like they started writing the Gospels so that they were like the Roman involvement, they kind of like tried to move that out, Like ponscious Pilot didn't really want to kill Jesus. Pilot wouldn't even think about it, evens killing people all over the place. He was like, like he crucified more people than than you've had candy bars. I mean.

Thousands of people. I think I haven't had that many candy parties.

Well, okay, that was a bad example that that candy bars, salary sticks, salary sticks.

Yeah, but then he gave up a rapus. Yeah, and that see that whole thing.

I mean, I feel like the law of has been lost in this storytelling over time.

Do you think of when the one that one pope, there's a couple that led armies. They were like it seems well, whatever, okay, we're cool.

You do. I love about because I love the history of the popes. There was when they had the cadaver synods.

Do you know what happened? Oh?

It was great. So one I can't remember the exact popes and now you know, I look forward to your emails and twixes. But they there was one pope is really mad at another pope.

These things happen.

So the pope that was mad at the other pope, this pope dies and the other pope that was mad Adham is now the new pope, right right, So he digs up the cadaver of the you know, the body of the other pope. They bring the decomposing corpse into the courtroom and put it on trial, and of course she loses. He's found Kidd didn't get a chance to speak from his lawyer was also dead. There was but it's really how about I.

Think there was one that was like a teenage pope, no joke and hied it into a brothel at that point.

That's a TV show.

How about the time when there was two popes, the ones in France and then the ones in Italy because it was but they made the enough to pop, which is just.

A wonderful Is that where that comes from?

Yeah, because they were like, these are the special grapes, it's the chateau of the pope. And I did like that even when I was drinking.

I remember that from back in the day. You know that really nailed it, I said to Megan Ones just as a young voice.

She was drinking a fancy way and I went, well, you know what, if I ever drink again, I'm gonna, you know, start drinking that.

And she went, yeah, you last half an hour on this fucking hairspray. But they ended all.

Would you if you know you're on your let's say you have like you're dying death, You're on your deathbed, and you're like, well, I guess I'll have a have a sour, you know, kind of like you know, like uh, Clint Eastwood and you know, unforgiven, Yeah, unforgiven. When I realized like, oh yeah, I'm gonna die, so I'm just gonna start drinking a Yeah, no.

That I see. I read that completely differently and unforgive And that's interesting, you said, because when I would I love that movie could and I think it is a study of alcoholism. Oh because when he knows he's going to get in that gunfight and he's going to die, but but really what he thinks that I'm gonna have to kill people?

Oh and and so I read it as he's like, I can't fucking do this sober. I can't fucking oh.

No.

I was just like I was like, well, yeah, you he knows he's gonna die. Son, why not. No, I don't make a better gun fighter.

But no, I don't think I would. I don't stay so it's not a sure it stays so ober. I stay sober because I like it. But the I think though there are drugs around, Like, I'm so glad I missed the opiate thing right because that ship they will kill me. I mean, they'll all kill you. Well, sure, but the but the opiates stuff, I mean, I go. I had a medical procedure for like a dental thing, and they gave me one under supervision for like extreme pain. And I was like, my god, this is like fifteen

But when you took it, so you're in crushing pain, I'm assuming you either had like a like you had a like sort root can It was a root canal that had become which is one of the most painful agony, and you did it without anesthesia?

No, he did.

You got all that. I got the anesthesia, but but there was something wrong afterwards after the procedure, so they had to bring the pain down for a minute and then and they did.

And was it like, oh I could get used to this high or thank God for this relief from this crushing pain in my mouth.

Not entirely. Sure, that's that's the thing. And I still think about it because like, the removal of the pain was amazing, and I'm so grateful that I live in a time when that could happen. But there was also a feeling of ecstasy, which I feel probably was not connected to.

The removal of the doctor was like you tried to order a gin and tonic ten minutes after.

I mean, there was a lot of you know, I struggled with it about taking it, and eventually like, look, there's no way around us. You're going to have to take it. Because I don't like to take anything right, it's dangerous for me.

I take an advil even if I think I'm going to be sore.

Advill is fine. I'm cool with advil.

I'm also not a doctor, you know, if a doctor says you've got to take something, you gotta take it. I mean, there's a weird thing. This happens in LA A lot people think because they go to yoga, they're a doctor or oh yeah you know. I mean it's like, you're not a fucking doctor.

No.

I know if they do a Google search and they were like, yeah, I found some stuff out. I feel bad for doctors that are like, yeah, I went to school for eight years. Yeah, somehow. It wasn't just Google searches.

It's also like if you look up do you ever do this, Like if you look up the possible adverse reactions to advil, Yeah, you could terrify yourself. That's what the internet is.

Yeah, it's it's terrified. It's the dark web.

All of a sudden, do you have I think you do have a pretty strong social media presence, then you don't do all that.

Yeah I do all that shit.

Yeah see I do it too, but I don't really like I'm not connected to it. There's like a bunch of people that do it and they pretend to me, and I'm like, yeah, well you gotta get rid of those people. No, no, no, I pay them. Oh yeah, I pay them. I'm like, no, you you go ahead, And did they ever post something You're like, You're like, that's not no. They sometime they run it by me most of the time. Is that because you don't want to do it or you just I don't want to

I'm like, no, I don't.

Oh, I don't read anything. Oh that's good. I just send it out.

That's fine.

That's just like taking a ship in the pool and then leave.

That is exactly what I do.

I love when it started, like I was like, oh, this person, well, there was a time when this is for whatever reason, William Shatner would tweet at norm MacDonald and I telling us how unfunny we were.

You and Norma too, the funniest guys who ever lived. Norm go dressed them.

But I mean, well, that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

But you're hilarious, man, God bless you.

But no, it was like William Shatner was I was like, oh, no, people are gonna know that. William shatt Of course, I retweeted it and said big fan. But uh but I was like, what kind of a what the I was like worried about it for a moment, and then I was like fuck all this.

But uh, yeah. Have you squared up with William.

Shatton when I met him at Betty White's ninetieth yeank you you're Welldy White's ninetieth.

Yeah.

I walked up and I go, hi, mister shantnoner put my hand out and he looked at it and then just.

Stared at me. And I was like, what did I ever do to you? Jesus Bill?

I mean, that's funny because I'm quite friendly with William Shatton.

Will you tell him hello? You know? He he gets an idea in his head though, I mean, it is fucking crazy.

I feel like the Penis Rocket was a big reset for him when he learned that the abyss of space was pretty depressing.

But that was that was before Bay after Bag, Yeah, it.

Was after that. Just like last year. He went up in that thing, Oh my god, and I was trying when he came back. Yeah, he was like, it's way more just Captain Kirk went up there and was like, oh, we're tiny, We're just barely holding onto this rock. I go that from an acid, I don't need to Oh yeah recently, no, bless you, But now, like, what is it?

The micro dosing is now the big Yeah. I'm not a micro dosing sort of a guy.

I'm a more macro dosing sort of I can't be left alone with a fucking candy bar am I going to micro doors? I can't do it. Well do you think?

I mean, not that you replaced it, because you were a very healthy person, but to stand up.

I love that it. It has a kind of zen thing about it. I remember reading an interview with Michael Jackson, controversial figure but talking about his performance, and he said he was so comfortable on stage he feels like he could sleep there. Now that could of course have been the probe fall, but also the I understand it though. I get very comfortable on stage. Yeah, you get that way too. I love it so much. I well, yes, I do get very Yes.

I go, oh, this is all the stress and all the anxiety falls away when you.

Were doing the soup, because I remember you started the soup maybe a year or something before I started.

In late night something like.

That started in fits and starts in two thousand and four right, and I started in Late Night two thousand and five, so the right and I remember thinking like, this guy is the only one that's doing anything like I'm doing this is because all the rest I felt like everyone else's there's a style of doing late night that exists as a it's almost like a genre. And you weren't. You weren't doing that, And I didn't do it because I didn't know. Oh when I think you when you.

Would grab the camera, I was like, oh, that's good that I should have done that. Wow, Like you get up there and I would. We had about the same budget, though, I think that's what it is. Yeah, well you could afford a talking skeleton, though.

Eventually no, right away, I was four years in before I got the talking skelet.

Well, you didn't have to shoot around pillars because it was a converted lobby. But then Ryan Seacrest showed up, and all of a sudden they began pouring millions of dollars into the studio.

I'm like, what the this whole time?

You know, it's funny.

When Lily Tomlin was on the Late Night Show, she commented, she went, Wow, this this place used to be a cupboard it was the war, it was.

The wardrobe room that my studio.

I mean, I thought, I remember saying you the first time you were on my late night show.

I said to you, you should do this, you should do this thing.

And you never I never saw you kind of I never got the sense that you were interested in doing that.

I never thought I was going to do the soup.

So that and I always wanted to be an actor, and then I was like, well maybe I'm better at this theme acting.

Uh, You're a good actor. I've seen you like community. You're awesome.

You know, that was a dream come true. It's a great man for Donald Glover and the way his career is fizzil.

Yeah, but you know it's just you know, you win some you lose them.

I will say that I was torn.

I've never really talked, but I I've thought about.

It and I'm like, oh, that would that would have been.

But then I you know, I have some self loathing that really can kick in. So you never know which version of me you're gonna get.

Well, self loathing it will work for you in late Yeah, you have to be you have to kind of hate yourself a little bit to just go and do it all the time. Yeah, it's rare. It's odd.

If you see a comedian go fucking nailed it, did it again, I'm like, yeah you did. Oh shit, good for you. I can't believe how confident you are.

Yeah.

Some are like that, but they're not funny. You know. It's it's a it's an oil. Would you do it now?

I don't. I'm way too old. Oh all looks it doesn't. The rules are all changed. Yeah, I'll do it. Yeah.

I realized I really was with the super how much I you know, like you you do so many of them that you get like when people send me clips.

I was like, I have no recollection of that, but oh that was pretty good. Oh yeah yeah, yeah, tons of that.

Yeah, and I now and I was like, oh, the pattern of that was really fun and uh and I was.

Like, oh I miss that consistency.

I mean, but believe me with the new like I host a baking show and I fucking love it, so that definitely tickles that little muscle.

Guys. Okay, but but yeah I don't. I don't.

Yeah, I mean I when I see like the guys, you know, like they're so fucking good, and I just don't know if I have the I would like to. I mean, you were part of the golden age of like the like when everybody was clicking, and I think.

You too, though I think the soup is part of that too. I don't think the soup wasn't.

I mean, I feel like I got paid less than everybody though, yeah, you probably did.

But I mean that's that's sad.

But you sort of that with community and that was good times, yea, and all the other stuff, the like spy kids movies and a look.

Suff well, thank you.

There's still there's people still like so, Jessica Abba played your wife?

How is that?

How did that work? Why would someone like that agree to be with you? And that's that's a home all. I mean, why are you saying that you're extremely handsome? Of you are in great shame. I'm trying to get you to say these things and it's working.

Yeah, I see.

This is that cat fishing. No, that's batfishing. It's like catfishing is slightly different. I don't it is bat or dog fishing. May be dog fishing, or it may just be fishing.

Difficult fishing.

Not anymore.

I'm too impatient. I can't go to it's hard for me to go to movies.

I hear you.

I just I was like, we're just gonna sit here for two hours. They're an Instagram posts. I'm like, too long. Yeah, I know it's bad. I I just don't read a book from time to time. You will sit and good. I can't read, which he just likes it very I didn't know that way better than I used to be. But all that, like just on the way here, I am in the middle of a novel and I that's all all. I'll put it on when I'm doing the dishes, I'll put it on when I'm cooking. I'll do it.

Yeah, I will trade the human trafficking and silk road drug and arms dealings to far Man.

I know your joke.

I'm still amazed for Like, this thing knows my songs. Yeah, I can't just knows. It's just going to identify this song. It's great. No, and yes, that has changed my life. What's the boody?

You read?

The last book I've read read read?

I think hang on the same yeah, yeah, I never got around to that. I did get a few overtures from them back in the day. Oh yeah, well did you go to ever go to the brunch? Now?

Celebrities find it's not my thing.

I'm not. I'm not very good at organized religion. I don't really care for it much. I feel like, once dogmas involved of any type, you know, I kind of like shy away from it. We all do this, not oh fucking do well, you know what. I grew up during punk rock and we don't all fucking do this now. But we all are going to spike our hair and wear at the same leather jo. But we're different, We're a different We're all different, except when we go to that concert, we all get the same.

I know. It's kind of funny.

It's like when people get mad at young because your kids they're young, they'll be in that kind of rebellion thing.

And yeah, and I don't want.

To, you know, force you talking about your kids, But I fine. But I do notice with you know, my own children that they're slightly disappointed that I don't get as outraged as maybe other parents do about their their world.

Yeah, which is a tricky one.

I mean they're very dogmatic, the kids right now, I mean there they have a lot of orthodoxy that needs to be Did.

Your parents get on you about your what you?

Oh? Yeah, I used to have to when I was like fifteen, punk rock hit and I used to go out for the evening to see my buddies.

And then there was a bridge near our house.

Now go underneath the bridge and change into punk rock clothes, like you know, you'd like stuff your other clothes, put the other clothes under the bridge, and then go. And of course you come back and I hope it was taking it and you have to go. But there's like a hope aware in a skill uniform somewhere.

I feel like that the punk rock scene in great Print, where it started, was such a break. Oh my god, jeh, I don't know if I I mean we went from glam rock to grunge.

Yeah, that's and pretty.

Big, which was the opposite, which was you know, glam rock was hair and full makeup down to then it was just plaid shirts.

And which would be run about the exact moment for you because you were in Seattle or that year in Washington state, right yeah, and grunge, I think you must have been totally into that.

I was.

I watched Alison Chains get boot off stage. Wow, because the next band is the band called the young fresh Fellows of the Band that everyone wanted to see, and I remember Lane Stalely going like, fuck you, this is great music and there were the crowd was like fuck you, get off and then it all worked out for Alison Chains.

Did you ever get budof stage? Yes?

Yeah, me too. Yeah when did you get budoph stage?

It was at the Power one oh six like lineup in Anaheim at like an eight thousand person outdoor stadium. Sweet and they were not fans and uh when was this? This is probably two thousand and nine or nice? Nice, and uh, I don't know what you're like. When you start getting booed, I have to fight, yeah, a little bit.

They didn't poach you.

After they didn't, they were like, oh that's not what we expected.

And uh so it was yeah, what about you.

My first stand up was Scottish Week during punk Rock at the Ica in London, and basically it was a bunch of Scottish punk rock bands and a bunch of Cockney punks.

And they said to me, you should.

Got your family, you go out during when we're changing the bands around and do comedy. So I did, and I thought it would be funny were killed, And I did, but I was so nervous that my these were physically shaking. And the Cockneys noticed that and they started to.

Show his knees a nok and his knee's noking and it became a chant in the entire c' nok and his knee's noaking, And well, you had the crowd, well they had me, I think.

And there's equipment being changed behind it. Oh yeah, it's the most distracting with garbage. But here's the thing, and this is the same with you. I went back, see normal people that are not like us, we haven't experienced like that, and go, I don't need to do that again. Yeah, and you went back, why.

Well, but I don't, uh, I don't know why. I mean, I always have to fight. I'm uh, I have to, like I'm extremely competitive, so but that's competitive with the universe at that point. Yeah, I think I was ready to take them on. I said pretty insulting things. I kept going, I kept and to the point where the show organizer said, you need to get out of here. Yeah, because I I think at one point I was like, raise your hand if you don't have a neck tattoo and.

Fuck wow? They yeah.

And then I was like watch the soup Bunny. Thanks and they yeah, and your ratings go up. Afternoon the next day one of the people that was working for said, I have a We got like three thousand emails like it was wow. They were people like pissed and then people pissed at the pissed people.

Yeah, and but it was, uh, you know.

It was another one of those moments where I'm like, maybe I am terrible at this.

What's interesting about that?

That was like, No, that would be like a viral thing everyone would share in your yeah, your shame.

There was nothing. There was no footage. Yeah, I mean, thank god, Yeah, that's what I think too.

I mean I feel for young performers though, like you fuck up, everyone going to know forever. I did a show once in Denfermlin in Scotland, Carnegie Hall I've played both Carnegie Halls, the one in Denfermerlin in Scotland and.

The one in New York. The one in New York is a lot easier the one in Defermlin.

I went on stage, I was really before I stopped drinking, and I said words to the effect of probably a little more aggressively. Where I come from, we talk in Glasgow. We talk about you people as sheep shaggers, which I always thought was bad until I came here and saw what your women looked like. And the fuck man, they went crazy. They didn't like it.

They were mad and they were right to be mad. Well, they chased That was the opener.

Yeah, yeah, it was ill advised. You probably should have bagged on the women in your plan.

After that, I probably shouldn't have mentioned women at all. But these were different times.

And then as they were screaming where You're like, this is what I'm talking see, this is this is why nobody plays here. I didn't know Carnegie opened a place in Scotch Well he was Scottish.

He was he was from Scotland. Yeah, they he changed.

His father was a weaver and then the weaving business changed, and so they moved to America and he started us steel. I don't know how it wur time, but I think he made a little money. He made a little money, and he uh, he broke a lot of use.

But then he felt really guilty start building shit for everybody. Was like, you treated these They can't even get to the library that you built. Yeah, because we're working for fourteen hours. It's definitely the young in duality yet again. Yeah, and here we come full circle. You know what, it's a shoe of aou young young in duality. Maybe we should call it that rather than joy, wouldn't it? Carl Young Die nineteen sixty one. Wow, how did you know that?

I'm a huge Youngian?

Oh?

Very interested?

You record your dreams? I used to, but I found that I was manipulating them, and I stopped doing it. Have you ever done that trip to a dreaming journal?

I know, I can't hardly write down, oh right, my name on a form so you could audio it, you.

Could like, you know, yeah, But the truth is the I stopped doing it because I found that I could control them, oh, which felt weirdly counterproductive. I didn't like it because you're like this tonight, I'm going to have this crazy dream where yeah, yeah, yeah, it's almost like Mary Poppins with land on my new sports car.

Wait, you read my dream journal.

Well I can go in and out of people's dreams while they're asleep.

Now that would be I don't know if you saw a dreamscape is that was that in Dreamscape?

I thought that was, isn't it Freddy Krueger doesn't he do that?

He does?

Yeah, but Dreamscape was the first that was. Yeah, that's a uh, what's the name Quaid? Dennis Quaid, Randy Quaid? Dennis not Randy's boy, because Randy Quaid? What's going on with Randy?

You know? I feel like everybody I know called Randy is a little bit crazy. I mean, do you know any Randy's that aren't a little off the beaten track?

I don't. And Randy, of course we didn't. You have a different meaning.

And well, Randy and Bretton means very very horny. Yeah, how bad for everybody named Randy.

There's not that many people named Randy and Breton.

There's a lot of guys named horny, but there's.

The Horny Chateau.

I think he was.

No, So, yeah, you're right, So we don't hear from him anymore, Randy Quiet.

No, no, I didn't. I never heard from him, and you never get in touch with me.

Yeah.

He was very good in that Midnight Express and he played LBJ and he was great.

What about Independence Day? Wasn'ey and Independence?

Yeah?

Yes, he was like drunk.

But flying a plane, Yeah, I think it's a terribly bad idea.

By the way, you should never do that. I wasn't ever going to do that. Well, I don't know. You had to look about you like you were thinking, you know what.

Well, you're in the air. It's not like you can do and nothing can go wrong. Well that's true now, as you mentioned that, when the.

Last time you got behind the the yoke of a plane.

Ooh last summer, I think, all right, yeah, I like to fly.

I do do that, and you didn't like to fly. I didn't like to fly.

And then I learned to fly because I was ashamed by Kurt Russell of old People.

He was on the show and I was talking about I didn't like flying.

He was like, it's bullshit, You're just a control freak. I was like, oh really yeah, And then he got me in touch with a flat instructor and I learned to fly, but then I went flying with Kurt Russell when I only had about eight hours.

Of flying experience.

Wow, and you can't cry in front in front of snake plisk and it's not cool.

And did you think, like, boy, if this goes down, whose name is going to be listed for?

Oh? Man, I wouldn't even be mentioned. It'd be like Kurt Russell and friend and Scott. But maybe friend would be nice hey passenger, Yeah, I guess it would.

I flew on a plane from a comic con with the cast of Star Trek the next Generation, like LeVar Burton's right there, and I'm like, LaVar's name would be first because Patrick Stewart's not on board. Yeah, And I was like, how is this going to go? I don't I don't think thoughts like that are helpful.

I don't think they're not helpful.

Well, that's fair enough as long as it entertains you. Where were you flying when you're flying from San Diego to where they? Oh no, we were in uh boy, North Carolina for.

A comic co on. They have them there too. They have them everywhere all over the planet.

You do them for community? Is that comic on thing?

I've only done two, right, and they're like, oh, you can make this, and I was like, I all I do is talk all day anyway, So it's talking to people and using a lot of hand sanitizer.

You're talking to me about this fucking podcast, right, Why are you doing a podcast? I'm like, oh, no reason, no reason at all. You don't like money. Actually, it's it's not a hard thing. It's not a chore. It talked to people. I mean the rule is for me, you just talk to people, like and then you cool.

Do you to people you don't know and have to do a bunch of research?

No. I mean even if I don't know someone, I don't do research anyway because the way I figure it, And this is what I always thought about in Late Night too, like I'll just ask because we're going to talk about it anyway. Yeah.

So like when people say.

Oh, did you see Steve Carell's movie, I'm like, no, I'll ask him about it, so, well you should see it before he gets here. Well, Well then I'll already know and it will be fake. I'll just ask him what the movie is about, and I'll genuinely be asking him what it's about.

He's not an ideot. He'll be able to tell me.

Yeah, and you shouldn't expect everybody just like read the book and watch all that.

Yeah, that's oh, that's crazy. I remember Salmon Rushdie was on the Late Night He was on the Late Night Show a lot, and I was like, I haven't read the book, man, I read Satanic verses. He went, did you like it? I went, yeah, it's amazing, and he went, okay, so this other one's pretty good, and then he just talked about it. Yeah, he didn't expect me to read as well. Maybe he did and he was just being played.

I remember when Larry King said to Jim Carrey when he was promoting Them with Jess.

He goes, I've watched half of this movie.

And I was like what an? And Jim Carret was like half, Larry, and He's like, I didn't. I fell asleep and I will I'll watch the rest later. And he was like, oh, thanks, But I was like, I think half is worse. That is worse than none.

I think that is.

Did you ever do when you had guests on the soup? Would you like study them a little bit?

I would, well, we would look into like sometimes we would get pop stars from really big stars South America.

I'd like, don't and then like he dated Jenna, like Jennifer Aniston for ten minutes.

I was like, all right, well great, so then we would have them on, like before slum Dog Millionaire became a thing, because we could always get people on the way like on the yeah, yeah, yeah, on the way up, on the way down.

Never that's whoever I got as well, occasionally get people who are in the zone, but once in a while, yeah, Like no, we would put offers out to anybody cup there, like sure, what did Elton John say, Like we have not heard back.

Yeah, but I will say when Taylor Swift, she was only booking you know, Staples Center at this point, we reached out like maybe she'll come on, and then her people actually got back and they're like, she can't come on, but if you guys want to take us to the show. And I was like, oh great, now she's aces in my book for the rest because she was one of the only huge stars that ever got back to us.

She I think she's pretty good news. Taylor Swift.

Yeah, like she's like like she's the real deal. She's like Dolly Parton. She can write and she can do it all and she's super talented, and yeah, I'm kind of impressed.

Yeah she's and everyone I know that has gone to her show, people my age and this one was like she's the Beatles, and I was like maybe maybe okay, Like she is, she's started a movement. And then people will complain, They're like I've seen her four times, like it's and people like, well, it's just the same show over and over, and I'm like, well that's what everybody does.

You two is doing right now.

It's not like it's not like they're the change the you know, the movie they're showing in the background.

You know, it's funny. And people say, I'm sure, they say, thats you. How do you come up with your comedy? Nobody wants the real answer, which is I sit in alone in the room for a long time with a fucking computer and I work. Yeah, I think and I think and I think can I write it?

Or in your case, I.

Said, I sit on a plane. You know what's dyslekes as well? I mean he doesn't he doesn't write it?

Well, that guy. He also how many days a week is he on stage?

Oh? He well, he never misses the Comedy Magic Club, which is Sunday nights.

Every Sunday night.

The only thing that he made a miss it was burning his face off and breaking his I.

Don't know if he missed it.

I think I think they got into Wheelmanno in the gardeny he'd be like.

And be like, oh, do you ever do an impression of Leno to him?

Yeah? I think I have done, but on his on his show. I don't think I would do it in polite conversation, but I've done it. Yeah, people do it to me all the thame. Oh I fucking donky okay man.

Thanks.

I was on that car show showing off my nineteen ninety Toyota land Cruiser made by Corsetti Cruisers.

Oh that was a plug.

And we were sitting there while the camera's on, Jay's talking. We're talking, and then the camera goes off and we're just kind of quiet, and I was like, Jay, what'd you have for breakfast? And he was like, eh, peanbag, yelly sandwich. I was like, in coffee and he's like, hey, i's your coffee. No, he doesn't take hot liquids. Why, I know it's a real thing for him. He's like, no hot liquids. I'm like, what about soup. He's like, no, soup is a is what about caspatra? That was my question.

And he's got real weird about liquid. He'll drink sodas, like sugar sodas. Yeah, sugar sodas and water. Well.

He for breakfast he had a glass of like full fat milk.

And full fat milk. He's kind of just like clue soup. Basically it's a milkshake. Yeah.

And then I was like, what are you gonna do for lunch? He's like in and out Burger, And I was like, what did you do yesterday for lunch? She's like in and out And I'm like, okay, well.

He legs man working for legs.

Yeah.

Well, listen, you're a joy as always. It's so good to see you, man, it's so good to see you.

To you other now for a long time, you know, twenty fucking years, you were always.

And continue to be so fucking kind.

Oh and consider it, and you are well, you know, all those nice Hollywood showbiz things. But but real back to you. I was, but as you saying them to me, obviously wasn't real because you still live in Los Angeles, but I don't live in Los Angeles anymore.

So do you remember when we went to I think it was Madeo the Italian restaurant, Yeah, and we were hearing like we thought was an old lady yelling at Woody Harrelson. Yeah, and it turned out to be nutty professor Jerry Lewis.

Yes, it was Jerry Lewis.

Yeah, because he was holding court.

Like right, that was going way back. God nts right and then the god that I remember that night, that was weird. That was yeah, that was you and Sarah were the one of the few people that Megan and I would actually go out for dinner with and ollive it because I don't know about you, but it can get a little crazy in this time.

It can get a little crazy. Yeah.

But then I look at my friends back in Seattle, I'm like, you all seem half nuts too.

So yeah, everybody's fucking You introduced me to.

Bob sagit you. Uh, But then I fell in love with that man. I loved Bob.

Bob came over visit visit us in Scotland and we had there was this big We're having a big dinner in this old house that I may or may not own in Scotland, and there was like a lot of people there and Bob had to go to the bathroom just before we had dinner. So it was like fifty people in this dining room and Bob went out.

I said, all right, look, Bob's in the bathroom.

When he goes back, we'll see Grace and well then we'll all lift her, you know, left leg and smack her heal with her right hand. And then I was like, okay, so Bob come back and I said, Bob, you're just in time for Grace, and we all say grace and then we all left our left leg and smack to him.

Both did the same, didn't mention about it.

He's like total professional, like, okay, that's what you do here.

This is what we do here. He fit right a well. He was a sweetheart bull he was.

He was the said like he would end his texts with like I love you, yeah, I like eat my balls, but I love you yeah. And I'd be like, you would only do that if you love something that you know what you're right, you gotta have some sort of affection.

You can't do angry ball eating.

Listen, no, what a weird way to end a podcast or the greatest way I think the greatest way. Good day to you, Good day to you.

I bet you