Hasan Minhaj

This is me, Craig Ferguson. I'm inviting you to come and see my brand new comedy hour. Well it's actually it's about an hour and a half and I don't have an opener because these guys cost money. But what I'm saying is I'll be on stage for a while. Anyway, come and see me live on the Pants on Fire Tour in your region. Tickets are on sale now and we'll be adding more as the tour continues throughout twenty twenty five and beyond. For a full list of dates,

Whah, I think is quite predigree.

He's a great comic and a great interviewer, and he's here and his name is Hassan Minaj John. We were talking about how at a certain point in the day, Yeah, I have to move to decaf because I can't get up all night. P This is all in front of you. Man, I'm from the future, and where are we going?

What's happening?

Well in the future, when you're my age, you'll have to go up and pee like two or three times a night, even if you don't have three, well maybe not three.

What are you a doctor? Your my mother is my mother. That's right, that's a position.

Now here's the thing I was going to say, because we were talking about this beforehand.

What's up?

Right?

So your parents were immigrants, yes, right, and I'm an immigrant, and so my kids are in the same position you are, was they?

They?

They kind of get a little frustrated with.

My kind of gung ho America stuff because I don't know if your parents are the same.

But I'm like, you know, if someone converts to.

Catholicism, they feel like they should be a little more Catholic, yes, than people who are just like growing up Catholic.

Yeah, I'm kind of.

I'm kind of like that.

Yeah.

I think a lot of immigrants are like that.

Yeah, there's a with the first generation there very we're here, we're here, we met it here.

Yeah, yeah, and now it's going to be fine. Yeah. Look at this spreading central station. Yeah, crushed up, crushed Yeah, and the kids.

Are like, you know, there's a guy pissing right here.

Yeah, those guys pressing everywhere. But yeah, it's kind of It's an interesting thing because I wonder if if I you know, if I'm you know, putting into my kids, says that in order for them to rebel against me, they have to rebel against every because of course it's their duty, is the next generation to rebel against whatever morals and values and mores than I am? Yeah, do you find that? Do you think you did that with your own parents?

Are we're starting this hot? Well? Why not?

I mean, we could do that, or we could look at the idea because the culture that your parents come from is Indians.

Yes, so it might be you rebel against that or yeah, okay, so I think, uh, really, what what if I'm going to zoom out philosophically, what what actually happened was very good yeah, let's zoom it out.

Yeah philosophically as well. Very yeah, very very happy.

But yeah, let's put let's pull out on the A philosopher is my favorite thing. Let's not do this, Okay, all right, go ahead, zoom and philosoph all right. I think the big split was, Uh, they came here. My dad got here in nineteen eighty two. I think he had a vision and certainly America was a particular way, and by the time I came of age to live in that America, yeah, it changed.

Yeah.

So I think when he came they were running ms DOS as the operating system, and now it's fucking JavaScript and Python and yeah, it's all sorts of it just changed, right, And So what I what I really was rebelling against to some capacity, was I think they had a very fixed understanding of what this country is and can be and what it can provide.

I think that's a generational thing for everything.

Yeah, I mean that happens. I mean I I and.

I don't blame them for this, like like who am I to Yeah, I mean it will happen to you too.

You have kids, absolutely, you know, but your kids are young, you know, and as they grew.

Up, but I got seven. I have a seven year old, I have a five year old. I can only I can already feel it.

Yeah, yeah, it does happen.

So so I don't know if you have this with the restaurant QR code. You sit down at a restaurant, right, and you go, he can I get can I get a menu?

Please?

We'll just scan the QR code. Yeah, and I'll just start Yeah, welcome to my fucking world. Yeah, it's like I get so I get angry, like what what what? Yeah?

Would you like a receipt?

Yeah? I would, Yes, I would you like my address? Or when they got down a tree and give me a piece of pie that I had that I'm about to purchase something or I did purchase.

I still get angry at the Starbucks people when they asked me for a name.

I'm like, I want a coffee. We're not friends, you know, And it's like, do we have a name for the coffee? The coffee is the name for the coffee.

And I feel like I'm slowly losing.

My grip on the on the world.

You're losing the plot a little bit, a little bit.

I still like Vinyl, you know.

Yeah, Well, well, my thing is is that I didn't opt in, mister Thai restaurant. I didn't opt in for the q R, right. I came to have lunch with you, right, not to have you and me be on our phone, right and the.

Data grab that they're taking all of your stuff.

And see yeah, and they go, just pay, just pay on your phone, please don't make me do this.

Well that I think that's great though, because that you're embracing the crankiness pretty young, pretty young, But that's good.

Yeah, well into it, make it part of your life.

But of course that kind kind of dissatisfaction and borderline missionry, I think is.

That's what makes a comedian though, isn't it.

Yes, we are very good at complaining. Yeah, it really is. We're just complainers, is what we are. Humorous complains, humorous complainers. So when people say we're philosophers, like we're not actually providing any solutions, really we're actually just very good cranks.

Well, you know, here's the thing, though, I would dispute with you the philosophers of any stripe of provided any solutions anyway.

I mean, I mean that's true.

Maybe they just maybe just they clarified, yea they clarified, you know, even then I don't know.

I mean, like this is me being contrarian, because yeah, but the idea of you know, like Socrates saying, now, look, I'm any philosophy I know is forgive me is Western philosophy.

You may know more about you.

So, but Socrates certainly like knowing the right questions to ask. I'm like, well, I don't know if that's enough, is it? But Barnley it was. And then here's the thing I was thinking about Socrates recently in cancel culture. Okay, so I have this theory like you know, when Athens was popping off five hundred BC BCE, the all these philosophers were there. I feel like it was like gigs. I think it was like the comedy seller. Oh, people, are

But I feel like it was probably like that. It was like entertaining for people, and doing the Parthenon was a theater gig. But the Beacon, it's it's the beacon, or maybe it's the gardens. The garden rhy and but there's the seller where you work out your little bit of philosophy before you go in.

Yeah, and I feel like that happened a lot throughout the years of human history.

I think that, like, here's here's my I pitched. This is an idea to you.

Even like my background is in Christianity, uses in Islam. But when we were getting taught about Jesus and they would say things Jesus had said, I'd be like, really, it's not really that great, I think to say. But my guess is a delivery was great. And then so I'm guessing saying when Jesus said an ancient Aramaic or whatever language is, spad, you know, getting through the eye of the rich man getting into heaven is like getting through a camel, getting through the eye of a needle.

Yeah, yeah, he's definitely probably amazing. My technique great at an act out right, I'm precuting projecting for sure.

No microphones, Yeah, like five thousand people, no microphones.

Let's see that.

Yeah, mister Daily Show, let's see that right, right, right?

Right? Do you have?

Do you have?

Is your background very secular or were you brought up quite I was brought up quite religious, really, Oh yeah, yeah, so because I know next to nothing about Islam really really honestly.

Yeah, for me though, you know, honestly, I felt from a young age my bluetooth was on. Really yeah, I kind of I did feel there's got to be something more than what what I'm seeing here. Sure and surely what's happening right here, this doesn't make a lot of sense for me either, right, so, in a weird way, the unseen made more sense to me than what I was seeing. Does that make sense?

Yeah, of course, I know it sounds a little weird. No, it doesn't not to me, which should worry you more. But but yeah, but I think that that that makes sense to me. I think the idea of seeking some kind of I mean, it.

Started for me young as well. There's got to be more to it than this.

Yeah, For honestly, I think for me, when I was a really little kid, I think America represented that I wonder, you know, that it was a place where you know, there was more going on, just possibility, possibility and the fact that they would you gotta remember, like I grew up in Scotland in the nineteen sixties, right while America

And I was like, oh my god.

So so for you. Did you at that at a young age? You felt I gotta I gotta go there?

Oh yeah, for sure, Yeah, I know it was the thing.

I just just all the cool, every stuff, everything was American and and the like.

I am totally a.

Product of American cultural imperially, no doubt about it.

I am.

I am Coca Cola branded ford More's victim of advertising.

I'm happy to be it.

But that's definitely well I am in.

And it's when you know, when I project this onto my children, they're less It's not I'm not saying they're anti American right like that, but they're they're just they're less enamored by the things I'm.

In, the shiny stuff that is really Yeah.

Yeah, I was taken in by a law and I still am. I still am taking them by I like it.

You know, is it weird if you when you're do your kids ever go we should look a look at euro up. Look how beautiful and you go that fucking old place.

Yeah, because Americans.

Have the opposite they I love the instrument. I call them the Instagram countries. Yeah, Paris is an Instagram country. Scotland yeah, yeah, So those countries to me, they're just they're they're like whisper Castle Instagram country. Right, you know, lady Margaret, No, lady Margaret, you must like they're just old period pieces and you go there with your you know, your boyfriend or girlfriend and take an Instagram photo.

It's always it's almost like my wife says, that's about rednecks in America as well. It's like poshe people in Britain have the same names as American red necks.

I mean you say, you know been adequ Cumba Batch, that's lord. Yeah.

And then you see that same name in America Bennydick, combo bag.

You know, it's like hey Bendick. Yeah, it's like the same people.

Yeah, the hyphenated name thing Breton very posh in America, right, do it Trampling, you know, it's it's kind of that's a great bit, and you know, I think I might work it up all right, working out. Hello, this is Greig Ferguson and I want to let you know I have a brand new stand up comedy special out now on YouTube. It's called I'm So Happy, and I would be so happy if you checked it out. To watch the special, just go to my YouTube channel at the Craig Ferguson Show and is this right there?

Just click it and play it and it's free.

I can't look.

I'm not going to come around your house and show you how to do it. If you can't do it, then you can't have it. But if you can figure it out, it's yours.

Now.

You and I are part of a fairly exclusive club. Okay, talk to me, White House Correspondence. Oh that's you.

Did it when twenty seventeen, this first year. Yeah, well he wasn't there though. He wasn't there, of course he didn't show up. Yeah, yeah he was actually, yeah, he went to the year Seth Myers did it. He attended as a guest, right, but he didn't. He wasn't just there as a year I did it, but its two thousand and eight.

He was a guest. He think he was there, I'm not sure, but okay, but he wasn't I didn't reference in him in the act.

Famously bad room, right or did you feel like wash? Yeah? Yeah? Did the sound system work for you? No, it's just a shitty as you would imagine. It's I mean, I feel like they could get it bare. I mean, you are at a Hilton in Washington, d C. And it feels like it right, totally. The sound system was awful.

I don't know if you know this about me, but I have an accent apparently, which you know that was.

A little tricky too.

I mean it went okay, yeah, but.

I felt like it was I felt like it was like a dream.

Yeah, you know, it did feel like a dream because you're seeing famous people out there, but in weird kind of yeah, because what you're seeing is you're You're like, there's there's Wolf Blitzer, right, and there's a man named Wolf Blitzer, right, which is a very funny thing. That's right, Wolf. There's a man named Wolfe Not everyone doesn't have a problem with it. And and he kind of does look like a wolf a little bit, a little bit. Yeah, and he's raw me. Yeah, he does. He does it

Who were the big politicians there when when you were there.

Well, he famously did not want anyone from the administration to be there, so then there were just other members of Congress. So it became it became this whole like kind of flashpoint who will show up, who will not show up?

Right, So it became a politicized, politicized thing.

Right. But to me, I thought that, I mean, that's just great comedy fodder, it kind of because the conflict, because it's all just tension. Yeah, you know, And I think I don't know if you chatted with Colbert or Seth Meyers, like a couple of the people who had done it before. I had talked to yeah, and they told me the room fucking sucks.

It does fucking suck. I didn't talk to Stephen or Seth about it. Yeah, I talked to Drew Carey and Jay Leno about it.

But you know, that's a generational things, like these guys said on it.

Before, they've done it before. Yeah yeah yeah, and it is bad but so so. But but but actually, and you know this once you once you know, because it's all about expectation. Once you know. All right, so what is the gig? So they go look at the casino gig? Yeah, okay, I know what this is. Yeah. So when they all told me, look, it's it's you are doing a hotel ballroom gig. You've done a wedding year, you've done a set at a barmit's fa you know what this is you do And so that was the first note that

But the sailor is like maybe the greatest yeah right.

But but I'm working out of the cellar. But I'm also doing these like very deep cut references. You know, I'm so and so from s NBC is here. And at the ten o'clock crow, I was like, what the fuck are you? Dog? Are you really making a joke about you know, the ten pm anchor on c you know, but yeah, I'm making a Don Lemon joke right now, you know. And so anyways, once I kind of leveled that I just knew and you know this from from Late Night, just played a camera one, kind of played

Who who did you run into? Who produced your your your? I'm going to say Late Night? So because that's kind of I feel like it is like it because for me, getting the right producer for these things is like, if you get it wrong, you're you're never gonna do Yes, it's never gonna work.

I'm lucky, man. I I found early on, when I was doing open mics and stuff, I found a really great comedian friend of mine named Pashan Banker Ramana John. He became kind of a co writer, co producer. We were do shit together and at the time, I didn't know that would be kind of like my future collaborator. But we really were like two musicians working together. That's great, and it was so he knew my voice. He also

I had great producers, by the guy Pierre Le Sally, who was my guy. And Pierre used to say to me, especially about jokes. He'd say, is it worth it?

You know?

Interesting?

And I would you know, some days, some days it was worth it.

You know, some days it.

Was worth you know, it was going to be trouble, but the joke was worth it. And some days you go, you know, this joke, it's okay.

Is it true? You just use bullet points for your monolog Is it true?

Yeah?

That's incredible. It got that way. I mean what happened was it was a process. Well you know, this is like you turn them and there's everybody from the corporate sure is there, and they want it to be a certain way, and you have long conversations about the set, like anyone gives a fuck.

Although this is the nicest set, I think, I know this is this is amazing, but this is the exception.

This is not the rule.

Yeah, this is true. And actually, and no one ever talked to me about this. Say, I just turned up and I was like, this is this is great?

Anyway.

You have these long conversations with corporate a bit sat and then they would write because I was doing a broadcast late night show.

Yeah, and nobody knew who I was, you know, I.

Was just like I had won some It was like I want a competition, so they I came in and they had all these writers who were like you know all but like cigars and the.

Typewriters, and they got it.

They would write me jokes like, hey, you guys see the playoffs and like I didn't even know where the fucking playoffs where.

I don't know what they're talking about.

But I would walk out and I do this with my time and go he did you guys see the playoffs? And everyone's like, the fucking you're not connecting with this, And I would make fun of me doing that, and the meme make in fun of me trying to be a la became the show. Yes, but I think that with these show as the thing is with these did.

You know there was two things I just got to tell you this because we're finally getting a chance to hang in real life. There was two things that I think you did that were so amazing that I think I didn't realize were brilliant tools that you should always, always, always keep, no matter what. Number one thing that I love that you did, which is you subverted all expectation by acknowledging that nobody knew who the fuck you were and where you were in at night. You know, it's

Yeah, I didn't know.

The worst one. But but but actually playing low status is the thing that is the most countercultural thing you can do. So when people go, like comedians or rock stars, I go, no, no, we've lost don't do that, don't do that, don't do that right now, it's actually one of the worst things you can do.

It's setting yourself up for me, Yeah.

There's a lot of problems. So that so that was number one, number one, and then number two that I realized what was so brilliant is just meet the moment where it is. And so even you doing little things where you would come up to the camera and like tap the lens and you're just fucking with the form to let people know, hey, I'm a person, I'm really here, I'm in a studio. That joke didn't work, or hey

Oh I knew exactly who you're talking about.

Yes he's a brilliant comment, Yes he is, and he is a reminder of this is a live art form. You know this, right, Yeah, we're actually just performing live on stage. So perform live and be be aware of a Okay, this is a when a table and we're in this.

There was such so many troubled people because it actually and you try. You ever read these surveys and say the thing people are most frightened off is public speaking. I'm like, then, I have no idea what that must be like, because I would sleep on a stage. The most comfortable I get is getting up on a stage. No, Evan's all right that? Or you know at home, you know, under a blanket. These are the two happy pole Those are two.

That's it.

It's at home under a blanket or that, because I think that you know, you know what the rules are.

At least I do.

You know it's like be be funny or or it's over.

Did you when you started out? What a weird survival mechanism? Though it is a weird thing because we still have this need to do it. Before we started recording, we were talking about how the pandemic I realized now being able to do comedy, I thought it was my only discernible skill set and ability to make money. That's what I thought, Okay, I have to do this because I got fired from every other job that I've had in

Yeah, for better or for worse.

That's when you're a real comic.

There was a time I think probably it still exists a little bit. But there was a time, certainly in like the eighties and nineties, when people were only comedians to get a sitcom, you know, a lot of people there was a huge comedy but like now, in the nineteen eighties, you had your.

Drew Carry moment right exactly all that. But Drew was one of those guys.

I mean, Drew's a stand up, but once you goes showed, that was his thing, you know, is to get the Drew Carry show.

He's a good stand up.

He's actually a really good standard, really fu but he I don't think he really does it anymore. Like I can't envisage your life. People still say to me, no, like you still do stand up. Like it's like going to Eric Clapton. You you still play the guitar.

That's wrong with you? You can have your own orchestra.

Yeah, but I played the guitar. That's what you know. But it's also like, and I didn't realize this, and I don't know if it was like this in the nineties, but showbiz and I think this is old the time. It's such a fickle, not real thing. And so to me, I've been now doing it twenty years. It to me, stand up to me is the cheap code. Everything is the only thing I feel in control of mineus the

Let me tell you a true story. When I got I was doing the Drew Carey Show. So I did that until early two thousands. Yeah, and when I got the Late Night Show from doing some kind of thing, I hadn't done stand up for about ten years.

I'd been doing independent movies.

I'd been doing you know things, and you know't.

Have the time to do it, or you didn't want to.

Just kind of moved away from it. Maybe I just didn't. It's not that I didn't need it.

I didn't.

I didn't think about it.

Oh interesting, And.

Then you know, I was writing movie, I'd writing deal at Paramount, and I was writing movies and I was making movies and I was doing I was working in movies and TV and the when I got the job in Late Night, I realized that CBS would First of all, they owned me for everything. I couldn't make a television appearance or a movie appearance or anything without their permission. That was part of the contract. And I knew they

Really even thinking about it, it wouldn't be a thing.

Yeah, But I knew that if I was going to have any autonomy, because I figured this show might make me more famous than I had been, if I was going to have any autonomy, I would have to go to stand up that it was the only place where I would exist as me. And that's when I went back into it again. I started when I got the Late Night show, I was, you know, I started doing you know, the chuckle huts and the yuck yucks and all that back into it again on the weekends.

You do yep, yep, holy shit.

Yeah, because and I actually had people say to me, why are you doing this club? You have a TV show where the Canadians in this club won't to be on your TV show, Like, yeah, but I I need it. I need it, you know. And and actually at the time I really did need it. I needed the money too.

But my my, my read of you is that.

You saw comedy that you liked and that's what pulled you.

Yes, it was.

It wasn't just the kind of survival school ground bully thing.

It was like it was you saw a community that's it was it Chris. Chris was the one, and it was the oh that's allowed, Oh you can do that.

Yeah.

So what I mean by that is like, at the time, I was bagging groceries at a grocery store chain called Safeway. I know the store, Okay, depending on where I got the Safe Way off Mace Boulevard Parent Companies Vonds. But yeah, depending on where I go and I'm doing stand up, I'll I'll change it to Kroger's or or whatever. But I was as a courtesy clerk at h that safeway, which was very funny by the way they call it courtesy clerk. I'm just bagging. I'm bagging liketes clerk. Yeah, sure, sure,

So don't you dare two hundred and fifty thousand dollars five years in jail?

Yeah, yeah, just for you know, just for copying mission to Yeah, yeah, have you seen? Not even like right, so why it's not worth the it's not worth the fete. Yeah, it's a great movie. So I'm backing groceries and I'm I'm in college and I'm a buddy of mine shows me Chris Rock's Never Scared and it's a great special race. It's a phenomenal special.

He's a great comic.

He's a great comic. But but what he was talking about were all the things that would get you either fired or sent to HR politics, war, George W. Bush, sex, relationships. These are all like just taboo things you cannot say. And yeah, man, he he just was saying it, and I I go that that to me is what I want to do. That I feel all those things. I say all those things with my friends. I want to do that. I gotta do that. How do I do that? And I just started googling. I went on google dot com.

So like, what's your first open mic? Like I mean, because I I yeah.

So so long did you do? You only get to do three minutes or five minutes? It's crazy, So I think that long to say good eat? Yeah, I had three jokes. I think the joke was I was living at home at the time, and this dates me. It was a joke about having landlines and like talking to a girl on the phone, right, And then you know, I think the jokes was something, why are you breathing

Yeah, that hit.

Do you know it's the weird thing. Do you remember the first time you died on the stage?

Yeah? I mean that was probably maybe the second or third set. Yeah, but the first So did your first sec so good? The first one went good for me? I got I got just enough, Yeah, I got just enough.

Yeah, little bit of the juice like ill come back. But you know what I think is weird is that because I remember the first time.

I died, which was spectacular.

I feel like you're very good at bombing.

Oh I'm fabulous at it. No one can be ship like me. That's I love that. But I remember how how I mean it was bad, Like the audience were chanting.

It was, oh it was.

It was.

It was a punk rock festival in London and I was going on between the bands. You ever had that do some comedy in the band? So I go on between I don't know the spectation.

By the way, have you had musician musician friends that ask to ask you to do fucking Lars from Metallic? I said to me, Hey, do you want to open for us? I'm like, you know your fucking mind? Yeah, this is selfish.

You should tell me what do you want?

Me to do it. I love you. They have no desire to see you love you. Yeah, I'm not even there. Yeah Lawns from Metallica asking you to do that. That's the destination wedding. That's how dare you beat the self?

Right?

Right right, It's not gonna happen anyway.

Yeah.

So I'm at the between the bands, and I thought i'd before I was the kid.

I was a kid about eighteen. Yeah, I'm wearing a kilt because I thought that.

Would be funny, amazing.

Yeah, but I was so frightened that my knees were shaken. And it was all these cockney punks in the front row and they're likes, he's a nook and it's a nooking and they started to try the wh audience shouting it's.

A knocking hiss, a knocking boot. And I came off stage.

After like literally got bood off stage, and I remember it clear as the fucking bell.

I go backstage and win. I gotta do that again, Like I don't know what all pathology ex.

Did you fight growing up? Were you a fighter? Did you ever get into fist fighting? Yes, okay, so I've been in two or three fights, but I didn't know I was in the fight, right I got hit by I go hey, like, so I didn't know I was in the fight. But I have friends that were fighters, that would actually fight and tussled with young men, and they told me that the high of like you hit, or you when you get hit and then you kind of I've never felt that, but I have felt the rush of anything could happen.

And well that's the truth about fight, whether it's when, whether it's a war between superpowers or two guys in the bar.

Once it starts, and anyone.

Who knows violence will tell you this, once it starts, you don't really know where it's gonna go. Right Yeah, people like to, you know, say well we know this is going to be over by Christmas.

I was going to go.

And I I I am terrified of violence. I hate it. And I've been involved in a couple of times, you know, when I was a young man and I and you never used so I would a gun.

No, I didn't see it as a second amendic, but you never used it as a as a deflection. I would always sometimes be I played basketball a lot growing up, and I remember I had I had glasses, I got Lasik, But I remember I was thinking about this. I was like, oh, yeah, I would also use comedy as a way to get out of Sure. I don't always work though, that's the problem. I remember it would work though a couple of times with me, Like it would be these like guys would

Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, that's a that's a good trick I've seen people use in Hollywood as well.

Is that false beta move?

You know when you get some studio executive and you go, yeah, it's kind of like it's an interesting game of chess with feeling, especially around like obvious, self unaware alphas.

Correct, that's kind of fun to play that game.

Yeah, And I didn't realize at the time. It's also you know, us as comics were very good at dialing in and assessing what what are we really doing here? You know, what's actually going on, and so that I think I didn't realize at the time. These were little things that I was doing from a young age. Do you see do you see your kids.

I mean, because the definitely a moment in my life that changed kind of everything's been a couple of them, but having becoming a father is like it's a real kind of story.

It's a real kind of like everything changes.

How old are your kids?

I have a twenty four year old on a fourteen year old. So Scottish people we were kind of like, you know, the big orchids in the jungle. Every ten years, everything gets pregnant. That's how Scottish people make. That's how it's done.

So every ten years, this is who you are.

You're sitting there. Oh gosh, you're pregnant, like an eclipse of yeah, exactly, so right, you can tell it's coming and you can get out of the way. But but yeah, my so twenty thirty seven you should expect something again.

Yeah, I think that's when it's going to run round again.

Well I don't know. If the that and left, I think now at this point it would just be.

Like nothing.

Maybe the table gets you know, has a period.

Sure, so but having the kids was something that I think all of my the way that I looked at it, especially as they got a little little to run a bit.

When your kids are actually when they.

Start kind of becoming much more themselves. You know, there's not just this little slug. You have to kind of wipe and move and wipe, and it's like there's more.

Stuff going on, wiping butts and feed Yeah, my god, how many.

Shoes have you tied so far this year?

It's like, my god, my god, these fucking idiots can't tie the shoes.

I suppose kids have loafers, but I'm also shocked. It's also crazy, how win did I get tying the shoes where I'm like, I'm like, why am I panting tying a pair of Congress Hall stars?

Well, I mean that I feel like it's a deep cut corn verse on a child.

That's a lot are you talking about on you on the child? Both?

Yeah, Because I was like, this is my my fitness test?

Is this?

If I don't get out of breath tying my shoes, I'm good.

Yeah, I don't even check my game.

If I can come out on toils, all right, everything's fine, it's okay.

Yeah. I mean, look, I think the cool thing about kids and I think Mulaney was talking about this, but I love the way he articulated. This was when he was holding his first he was. He goes, oh, there you are. I've been looking for you, and I do get I got that feeling with them of like, oh I didn't I didn't have to do all these other things for and love and yes and all that stuff. Oh there, it's it's it's here.

If there is an amount of service now involved in your life that you didn't have before, yeah.

That's what I feel like. That's something really changes.

And I think that the idea, you know, I used to like and like every young man, I was like, I'm not going to have kids.

Yeah, and then kids. I was like, I can't believe I waited so long to kids. It seems strange to me.

But you know, I have a lot of friends that don't have children, and you know, I like, I respect everybody's choice. But and but one thing that was really powerful for me as just as a performer was I remember holding my daughter and thinking about all the times I had felt as a child being abandoned even as an adult. I called so and so, they didn't call back. I reached out for so and so. They never texted back.

Yeah, of like you experienced a law of that when you were a kid. Did you feel abandoned when you were little.

As you know, as immigrants were in transit, so you know, become my mom's doing a residency, so there was a lot of stuff that was in your moment New York, and then she was doing a residency in Stockton, and then you know, she came to Davis and then so there was a lot of stuff that was in you know. The immigrant story is almost like a mini house renovation of like you're never fully unpacked and.

You know, is the kitchen done? Is it is kind of My kids have been through that as well. I mean, you've had like half a dozen houses in the last ten years.

Yeah, so you're just kind of.

It becomes kind of a habit Yeah. My wife got mad at me about it. She's like, we're not moving a yet. Yeah, because we moved around a lot. And I think it does. I think because she's not an emigrant, but she's the child, the grandchild, and so there is that kind of understanding of it. Yeah, it's it's an odd thing.

So that I think maybe that was my joy is you can count on me, and I don't know. I can't do the balance sheet. I don't have the Excel spreadsheet for the rest of the world, but I can be that for you, and maybe that's enough.

I think that's I mean, I think it is. You know, Jim gaffickin right of course, right. So I was talking to Gen years ago and I thought I was talking to him about comedic style, and he was talking about he, you know, Jem works clean like famously so any like he causes like a normal human when he's off stage, but he works clean and he makes it, you know, a family friendly show.

And I was like, I'm intrigued by that, and.

He said I did it at first to see if I could do it, and then it became a stylistic choice.

I I liked it.

I kind of liked doing it that way and he and he does it and he I mean, he's fantastic. Yeah yeah, and I may when I had that conversation with him, I thought, so I was doing Late Night at the time, and and late night because you're working every day. Politics was every day, you know, the politics is the thing. You know, every day there's gonna be.

Something you can talk about.

You talk about it.

But it was just at the time, just as I was getting out of Late Night, it started to go on fire.

I mean it really became polarizing and people really got upset about Yeah.

It was like war in Iraq, right, warrantar Oh jeez.

So so as I'm coming out of it, I said, well in stand up now this is rounder twenty sixteen, I was like, I'm not going to do any more politics ever. Ever, I'm never going to talk about it, and I don't and I still don't. And what's interesting because I know that you don't try away from that all you.

Were happy to run right at it totally. It's interesting to me.

Because I wonder how it feels, do you Because I used to get hit with this in when I was doing Lena If, I did an anti Republican joke, I'd have to find an anti democratic joke to balance it out, Like standards in practice would say to me, oh, wow, you have to balance got it, got it, And so it became a thing. I don't think that happens anymore. I don't think they would say to you, no, I

For me, it's almost like what I love about the form is if you have friends at journal it's the same thing. Why they encourage long form writing is sometimes I'll write to myself what is actually happening in my head, and it helps me figure out what's happening, and I'll just keep writing until if that, to me is the point of the bit. It's to actually what the fuck do I actually believe? And whether the position is contrarian

But what I think is quite interesting about it is that right now is if you do the the if one reads the room, it's like there's you know, say I went into a room and it was a bunch of Glasgow Range of supporters and a bunch of Glasgow Celtic supporters right be like, I'm.

Probably not going to talk about soccer today, you.

Know, And I feel a little bit like that, But you don't get excited at the prospect of going. Let me see how much I can get away with let me see for sure. But but I.

I'm kind of like, I'm not sure that my lane is.

So I'm like, you know what, hey, what about those.

The wheels on cars or something?

You know, Like I feel like, not that I've done many wheel things, but the yeah.

You got twenty minutes on wheels.

I wish I did.

The The idea I think for me is I just became more personal. I became more anecdotal, I became more I went that way.

Yeah, and I actually liked it.

I found that Oh look, I mean like I have reserves of uh pain and sadness and and upset. I feel like I'm the Saudi Arabia of unhappiness, you know what I mean?

Like I have so much fucking oh oil reserves. Normal people don't understand just how much you're having a ram Coo level of sadness, right exactly. I keep going and keep going and never run, never run on and look at gold of sadness, and I think that the I want wonder if if it do you think it affects your Yeah, I mean it's bound to affect how you appear in the world. Does it bother you?

No?

Man? You know really, what I've come to come to terms with and the reason why I love putting out working on a new hour and putting out a special is almost like Wimbledon or tennis. It's like, let me just control the parameters of the game. Okay. And I'm sure you maybe have this with your kids, which is there's social media and then there's this and the so so. Now you're playing decentralized warfare so o wit so so

You are doing when you're doing a stand up are you Is that like is who's is that Hassan?

Or is that is that like?

Uh, stage Hassan is different from real side.

I think it's a little bit of both. Yeah, I think it's a little it's a little bit of both. Yeah, And that's what I love. I mean, the whole form is joking, not joking. Yeah, I'm joking joking. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Yeah, I think that's true. I mean it's but let me just say this.

This, This is the problem is that I think Americans, and this is why when people talk about they have a very difficult time understanding paradox. Indians we understand the world as paradox. You go to India, I mean it's it's literally the movie everything everywhere, all at once.

People.

You go to a street in Deli, someone's being.

My favorite movie times you've seen are are of course, that's incredible, ratest, it's incredible movie.

Un fucking believable movie.

Yeah. Yeah, I wouldn't have wrote it up, but.

I just I'm see.

When I watched that movie, I was like, man, it's much harder to be a movie star in India than it is.

These guys are doing.

Things, acting and being really good and shouting like fuck.

Me, yeah you have to do it, you have to be everything. You a superhero. Yeah. It's it's un unbelievable, unbelievable what these guys are doing. Yeah. And so what's interesting though, is that even like life in India, it is, it is, it has so many multitudes and there's so much chaos. Yeah, you understand that there are things that are paradoxical. America is very much about well, we have to solve a parent and so you can't solve a paradox.

I do, And I feel that what's quite interesting about it as well is that and you make an interesting observation about Americans as an American, Yes, And I do that too.

I'll sometimes say about Americans like, well, I'm a fucking American.

You know.

Donald Trump is an American, and that's imagine an American. Yeah, And like I feel like here it's much harder too to figure out who you're going to upset, or it used to be. I think now I think the truth is you're pretty much going to upset everybody at some point. The trick is to not do them all at the same time.

You know, it's like I don't you don't set off all the landlin Like, It's like it is kind of an interesting thing because when I when I made a decision not to do politics, it was.

My friends who were on the left assumed that I had moved to the right. Oh interesting, And my friends who are on the right assumed I was on the right and just wasn't talking and it was really interesting. It was like, but I'm not talking about it, but they make a decision about it.

But is it also like the older I get too, which is I'm not here to also just talk about the day to day cartoon characters that take up the headlines, right, and you know this with the Late Night Show every day those characters change. Take out Dick Cheney, put in Stephen Miller. Yea, these are just characters.

I have to say that one of the greatest days in the history on the joke, right, and Dick Cheney's lawyer get showed in the face. Nobody died, everybody's happy.

It's a great joke. Dad, Oh my god. It's like you hardly had to go to work that day. And duck hunting is very funny. Dug dug hunting. It's like everything you got.

Cheney in a hat.

Everything would be you know, it should be that way every day, yes, but it's not.

Of course, then that would be like you know, Christmas every days.

But almost like any clips, like when a couple a couple days ago when Elon and Trump were Oh it was great, the girls were fighting. What a fun day that, you know what, it was interesting.

I remember when that when they go together, I was like, this has all the success of Brangelina written, but I feel like.

That was right and something h And then in that case, you just kind of sit back and.

Let let it app let it ste yeah, yeah.

And then then let let it kind of let the rice cooker explode and that's fun to but yeah, but the older I've gotten is also I recognize the there's a demand from the audience to go help help me put this in perspective. I'm sure they were asking.

That comes to me from perspective, But no, I think that. I think I'm just like, you know, a sad clown in the corner.

Right, well, what is Greig? But nobody nobo think people like you look for your wisdom and you're you're you're wit. But the older I've gotten I've also realized is like there is there's such rich stuff to mine from just life itself.

Yeah, for sure, and that and those subjects can be and the aging process a very odd way, yes, very strange for everybody.

It is.

It's different for everybody and all that, but it's the same for everybody. It's kind of perfect for that.

Yeah. And then and then you can kind of slide and vacillate into other random stuff. Yeah, yeah, that's fun.

One of the things I thought, but the comedy, but the politics thing was that if I do politics, people are going to stop hearing me. You know, I'm going to stop getting jokes to people because they're only going to hear the one that made them angry. And then they stopped less sure and that, and then it took me back to that what Peter la Sally said to me in Late Night, which was, this is the joke worth it?

You know? Yeah? Is it? You know?

And sometimes it is and sometimes it's not. And that's that's really what I think. Talk to me about your podcast, what you're doing in your podcast?

Oh man? So the podcast is, uh, it's called Hassemanaj doesn't know. But when when my Netflix show stopped, all these people that I would end up interviewing would still call right, I want to do Hey, I want you to interview Mammy. I want you to so I get like governors or you know, members of Senate being let's talk can you know, can we do a can we talk about this?

So?

I thought this is very unique where it's it's very strange to be d m'd by like the Secretary of the Treasury, who you are? Yeah, yeah, Tomedian to be like, I'm on their social team.

Do you want?

So I was like, what what do I do with this? Can you get on the phone let's chat? And so I said, all right, let me let me just have the conversation where I can basically be I'm basically a stand in for the public.

I just get to ask me the questions.

Yeah, this is this is how I think I feel about this. I clearly don't know everything there is to know about the subject, but look, let me just be a stand in for the public and just kind of ask you how we feel.

It's an interesting thing. I I whenever it's very rare for me. You've done a lot more or less than I have. But I whenever I've interviewed politicians, I find myself a little frustrated. Yeah. Sure, I feel like because a part of their media training, Yeah, which is right there they kind of bristles with me.

But the media training is they're always told to stay on message.

Sure, yeah, like I don't.

I don't want your fucking message. I want you.

Yeah, and so that's a great talking point. Yeah, can you answer the question though, Yeah, I love that, and and you sound like a human capture. But can you tell me why? You know why this makes no sense? Yeah, you know, And it's it's it's those little moments of just like popping the bubble, which is, hey, I know that you do a million zoom calls where you can kind of have these haikus of nothing right, but I literally don't know what you said. Yeah, you spoke for

I think it's great that you've got the you're you can do that, because what is I start kind of going.

Yeah, yeah, I forget where I am, and then I just fucking fight.

I always tried to cut to a commercial break, but of course there isn't one because it's podcasting, right, But it's uh, but I've never had a politician on here.

I don't think I would. I don't think I.

Don't need to. Yeah, do what you want, man, Yeah, that's I think that's what you want. I think that's it right. And I think that the thing is as well, is like you know, where are you? Where are you at? What do you want to do? Yeah? You can literally do anything. We're in kids superstent. Yeah, I literally that you want.

I like comb the lanes vibe. I like kids super I like it out here. Do you know a guy called Peter Gouber.

No, Peter Gouber is like he's a big guy in Holly was a big successful producer and the other things. He's very successful guy. You win some giant hockey team and he's super. He's like a billionaire and all that. And but goober, I can run into him. And when I was in Hollywood and we used to have lunch every now and again. And when I was leaving late night, I was like, I don't know what to fucking do now.

I said, okay, isn't that a little weird.

He was like no, no, no, no.

I said, have them around you and listen to what they're saying. Don't do any of it, but listen to it, and you will feel enthused by.

That. And he's kind of right.

And I feel like this place and I like being around the energy of that, you know, and people who are trying new stuff.

So what do I want to do? I don't know, that's all I don't know. Yeah, this, I like this.

I like this.

I like talking to you. I like talking to people that I'm interested in talking to.

Yeah.

If I can find a politician that I'm interested in talking to, I'll talk to them.

They probably don't need to, I'll be honest with you.

It's fucking hard for me to find one that he can be on the talking point. Yeah, very difficult. It's really interesting for me.

The joy that I get out of it is again, it's the same feeling I got I get from stand up. Let me just say what i've what I feel when I when I read about you in the New York Times. Yeah, let me just say it. Yeah. So we had this general on General McChrystal, who was like a big general during the war and Irack in Afghanistan. Okay, right, So one of my favorite moments from the interview is I go, mister general, do you are you familiar with the Onion?

Yeah, yes, I go.

I showed him an Onion headline article, and it says US Army continues to defeat al Qaeda by killing every single number two in charge. Fucking great headline. General McCrystal goes. The sad part is we only killed number three.

Oh my god.

And it's just you know what, it's just fucking incredible. Yeah, I mean it's just to me. I mean I was like, set up punchline. Yep, it's pretty great. It's pretty great. It's pretty great. It writes itself. So twenty years of a meaningless war to get the Yeah, yeah, he didn't know that. He didn't he didn't get it. He didn't get the joe, he didn't get the joke. But to me, it's just a hey, if that's all I do. I said my piece, I said how I really feel about it,

Thanks for coming, Thanks for having me, all right. Thanks