We go get morning every day.
Lad, Welcome to the podcasts are really really special occasion because something that really really tickles me in all the right areas is the Monday Morning joke off. But what happens with the Monday Morning joke off, just to really peel back the curtains, is we put through a lot of jokes to the big boy upstairs, and that is Jesus Christ. Definitely not the Jesus because it'd say no to all of them. Josh mccaby is our boss, and a lot of them. He says, are you kidding you
absolute clown? Do you think that you could possibly say that on the radio? You can't because you get at least a written warning. And then we say, okay, better save that for the podcast.
And here we are and here we are, we are.
Let's just all deliver our filthiest joke, can we? This is?
This is so news? Read to Abbey sweets with.
And I have a folder on Instagram and I've been saving them into that and these I've sent a few of them to our boss, Josh, and he is like, if I could fire you, I would.
Yeah, please came in seized Abby's computer went through some of these jokes, and a lot of them now have PTSD.
Yeah. Yeah, they threw it back at me and said, you're disgusting and we're not even going to bother locking you up because it's just filthy, because.
You somehow find a way to break out. All right, I'll kick us off if you don't mind. Sure, if you go that little dirty jokes special shout out as well to Toby from Newport from this one.
Google from Newport, Google.
Toby from Newport. It's one of the great, the all time great stitch ups on radio. Yeah, it's happened. Happened in Sydney. Kid got on there and we don't know if it's actually real or not in terms of a kid just pretending to be nice and young.
Oh wait, you're actually telling the Toby from Newport story.
The second one. The second one. Okay, So Toby from Newport told this outrageous joke. It was so ridiculous, offended everybody, and then no one heard from Toby from Newport for years and years later caught up the same radio station and claimed to beat the Toby from Newport, and his joke went a little bit something like this. He said, what's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil. And they said, oh, I'm not sure, Toby, what is it? And he said, well, I've never had a lentil on
my face. And the guys didn't even get it. They went straight over their.
Heads, straight over your head first.
Didn't go over my head, all over it. I'll give you one more joke. Here's one for what's the difference between purple and pink?
What's the difference.
Of course the grip.
What I don't get it.
Oh my gosh, I'm not man's playing that to you.
Jokes purple and pink's.
Extreme purple and pink, And think about if you grip something really.
Hard, something shame.
I say that these are the jokes that we weren't allowed to say.
If you think that's bad, though, you're going to boot me out of here. Okay, do you want me to go go next?
All right? So we're in a nunnery and the head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting paint on their clothes. So the one nun says to the other, hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door. So they do this and begin painting the room. Naturally, soon they hear and knock at the door, and they ask who is it, and the guy yells out blind man. And then the nuns look at each other, and then one nun says he's blind, he can't see what could
it possibly hurt? So they let him in, and the blind man walks in and says, hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?
Excellent? Excellent, that's I said the word.
Else you go, oh, okay, you want another one?
Yeah?
All right, okay. A farmer goes out and buys and O we're on a farm now, so we've gone from the nunnery into a farm. Yeah. A farmer goes out and buys a new young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes out and makes love to all fifty of the farmer's hens. Oh it's the podcast, I can say, screws screws all all one fifty of the farmer's hens. The farmer is very impressed. At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all the one
fifty hens. The farmer's just not as impressed anymore, but he's a bit more worried. So the next morning, not only is the rooster screwing the hens, but he's also screwing the turkeys, the ducks, and even the cow. Oh my gosh. Later, the farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out limp is a rag,
his eyes closed, dead, and vultures circling overhead. The farmer runs out, looks down at the young rooster's limp body and says, you deserved it, your ha a little bastard, And the young rooster opens one eye, points up to the vultures with a wink and sish they're about to land.
A little horny, devious, little rooster.
Rooster. That's what they used to go labs back in the day, A little horny rooster.
Back in my time.
There, alright, spring us home, all right.
Mine a filthy and disgusting I cannot believe I'm going to do this, but whatever, alright. First one, what does a burnt pizza, pregnant woman, and frozen beer have in common? On a burnt pizza, pregnant woman and a frozen beer having common a person who didn't pull out in time?
Oh my, all different examples. I don't get it though, Yeah you probably get it.
Yeah you probably wouldn't. You are Christian and you have, you know, no funny times before marriage.
I've got three kids, a strike rate of three from three. I'm a bit nervous now on a joke number.
Two, okay, number two, it's a little bit longer. A young boy was out in the garden when a bee landed on a plant. He knocked it off and stood on it and killed it. The dad couldn't believe it. He yielded him and said, no, honey for you for a month. Same thing happens with a butterfly. The young boy kills it and the dad says, oh, no butter for you for a month. The whole family is then sitting on the couch that night when mum jumps up and kills a cock croach. A little boy says to
his dad, are you going to tell her? Or am I? Oh dear, oh wow. Now I do have one final one, because you know, it's the off air podcast Filthy and this is absolutely disgusting and I can't believe I'm going to do it, but I think it would be good to finish on sure. Okay, that ready. It's a little like riddle of a fable. Humpty dumpty sat on a bed, little bo peep was giving him head. Oh my god, just as he came she started to weep. She could tell from the taste he'd been shagging a sheet.
Hang on, if she can tell that one, I can probably tell this one.
You go on there, should try.
And out do yourselves your dirty.
We can always cut it out if it's too much, all right. A little boy and his friends are being called bastards and bitches by the bullies at school.
So the boy goes.
Home naturally and says, Dad, what are bastards and bitches? And his dad replies, bitches are ladies and bastards a gentleman. Then the boy goes upstairs to see his mum. As he enters the room, he accidentally drops a perfume bottle and his mum says, shit, Mum, what is shit? And she says it's perfume. Don't worry about it. So he goes to see his dad, who's carving up a chicken, and his dad cuts himself and he yells out, and the boy asks dad what does mean? And Dad says preparing.
So then he follows his dad upstairs. A few minutes later, his mum and dad are about to do the deed when his dad says, where are the condoms. The little boy asks what are condoms, and his father says condoms and coats and jackets. So the following night, his father invites over some very important business clients, and the boy opens the door for them and says, hello, please come in,
bastards and bitches, hang your condoms up there. My mom is upstairs rubbing shit on her face, and my dad is downstairs ing the chicken and canceled hello everything so on.
Oh, dear brilliant guys, well done.