Our Best Monday Joke Off Ever FEAT. Johnathan Thurston

Welcome to the podcast you Filthy slash Beautiful Animals.

To have you on boards about what you were going to say then, I.

Was a mixture of both.

I covered off everyone all.

Right, filthy people and the animals.

Yeah, good stuff. Look, we like to kick start our week on the right note, and that is with a bit of a joke out. He's hit and miss. I feel like we're somewhat consistent, but we thought, you know what it needs. We need to go to a top shelf and bring in some of the big dogs.

The most important thing with a joke is having someone respond accordingly with a great life.

Oh Jonathan Thurston, bless you, please please check in regularly. He joined us for our Monday joke off, and let's get straight into it because I feel like this particular joke off was handcrafted by God. That's excessive. Now, that's a job. That was a joke. That's a job jo a terrible job. You know, it's time start the week right. It's just a little joke to get yourself in the mood, wrap your laughing year around it, and just.

Find it in a nice direction. Get involved.

Thirteen twenty fourteen cents a texto for double none, nine or nine your best joke.

Yeah, and it's really important when you tell a joke to have a really good reaction, like a great laugh.

Who springs to mind when you think of the greatest.

Laugh in the business, Well, for me, there's only one, and that is the great Jonathan Thurston, absolute NRL legend. Should we speak to him? I think.

We're good. We're good.

Just before we get into the great Monday morning joke off. So heading here for Origin this week on Wednesday night.

You're pumped, Yeah.

Very excited. It's a great time of the year when Origin rolls around, especially for the Eastern States. That a mad rugby League fan, So yeah, first game, so we're very excited. We get there Monday and Wednesday she's on. So hopefully there's a lot of morone in the crowd. I think just about the rest of the country don't like you South Wales.

All right, let's get into this. Who would like to do the honest? It's nervous going up first.

Okay, let's okay, JT bit of background here, Abby from the newsroom, horrible joke teller.

Yeah, awful, awful, Sorry in advance, Hey I had.

One last week.

Ye score everyone losing their Absolutely that is true.

So she she was horrible for the first few weeks, and then she came in hot with the bluest joke that will ever be told on radio.

So let's see what she's got for us this week. Abs Okay.

A man walked into the gym and saw the splits. He walked over to him and said, can you teach me how to do the splits? The gym instructure turned around and said how flexible are you?

And the man.

Replied, I can't make Tuesdays.

It's a good response with JT. You okay, do you want to go next day?

I can go next if you don't mind. Mynan's a little bit quicker, but it goes a little bit something like this. What did the elephant ask the naked man?

What did the elephant ask the naked man?

He said, how do you breathe out of that thing? And I said mine was yeah, Okay, that's what we're talking about.

Essentially a little bit of a theme week, because I'm about to go with mine.

Okay, JT you ready for this?

During my check up, I asked the doctor do you think I'll.

Live a long and healthy life? Then he replied I doubt it. So he is in uranus right now.

I said, I don't go for any of that astrology nonsense, and he replied, neither do I.

My thermometer just broke.

Okay, okay, J, have you got one for us, just to round it out.

And to clean things up a bit, all right?

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? No, I don't worry. She woke up the kid. Oh boy, boy, Oh, I was just popping around the dump up man.

Oh my god, this morning we all are J.

It's always a pleasure.

You're one of the nice guys, so you know, thank you so much for your time this morning.

Thanks for having me go to the Maroons thirteen twenty fourteen. Or said, it's a text for double nine one nine nine one nine the Weekend Squadratulations to her boy Tommy Wren upcoming birthday for the great Man. Yes, yeah, thank you.

And I was hoping that when you introduced me on the back of Jonathan Thursday, you'd say the equally powerful, but I'll take the life.

You know.

We've got your little card there, like you so much.

You read it out, Read it out.

It says on the front for the one I.

Love for the one I love read?

What is that?

Tripad? Keep on being Tripad? Maybe happy birthday my three legged friend.

Whatever that means, that's all good.

Little I'm the mini man.

Hazy, looking gorgeous and tan and magnificent, and I'm just looking small and white?

Did you real, pale? That's not very nice?

I want to keep that. That's amazing? Really did you draw that? Look at it both?

You know what.

I'm hanging up with him here. I was about to say, we got here, We've got there's no grays inside? Is as really nice?

Anyway?

Good stuff?

Love that'll.

Oh, let's talk some sport. Let's start with the Crows Silent. It's been a time Sunday classic few Mites in French is in the top eight and they are a genuine Kim.

Chanda high I think.

So.

We love to take it one week at a time and not look too far ahead. After last week, Tommy, everybone's gone, oh, crashing back to earth. The Crows, Well if they are back on earth this week, well, now they're back in heaven.

Unbelievable.

And we spoke last week did and Win said, we're prepared to forgive them one. We'll give them one Mulligan to borrow a golfing term and say that they've got to respond.

They did that. That is a genuine win.

I think it's probably the best win of the season because of what they came up against Brisbane.

It's such a good term. It's a decent scalpe, isn't it fantastic?

And Jody, I just think for the first time since twenty seventeen, and we know what the club's been through, since that horrific Gold Coast camp and the Grand Final, to see them on the up again and to see the way they're playing, it's just so exciting for not just the player and the coaches, but also the fans.

They've been through hell. It's great.

But I think that's the cool thing about both sides at the moment.

So many kids, kids coming through that are just absolute guns.

And Isaac Rank and how good yesterday Josh Rah Shelley. They both kicked, you know, arguably the goals of the week in the same game, you know, And you're right, Jody, those younger players coming through, like that's Michael Any. I know he kicked four goals yesterday, Charlie Cameron, but I actually thought he played really well, he.

Did really well.

Cameron's a gun. Yeah, that's the thing, and unfortunately there could be four little lapses and that's all Bang puts through four goals.

Let him go.

Wasn't it a wonderful thing?

I'll tell you what.

So the future looks good for the Crows, and perhaps the future is now for Port.

But the moment on the siren is about Ken Hickley and his men h in a row an equal club record.

You go, that's a nice stat for Port fans.

What about that?

So if they beat Hawthorne this week at home, which you expect they would, it'd be the best ever streak in nine and two. And it's not pretty at times, even yesterday, but they find a way and talk about man crushes Hazy and Zach Butters.

I think I'm officially in love. Yeah, how do we how do we describe this in terms of just how a roused you can get from player? Tom and I are both at maximum capacity? Twelve out of ten, yeah, twelve out of ten?

Off?

The rickson is off? Yeah?

Can I tell Tom Zach Butter's story about how I saw him the Live Golf launch way? So we're having chat with why didn't I see him, Oh okay, set him down having chat for rages and he goes anyway, he turns around, he goes, so what do you do?

And I went, I don't know. I came down to your training sometimes like to report on it a little bit.

And he goes, oh yeah, just so knock about yeah, how about it? Effectively Jody going up to Zach Butters Zach Butters and basically saying to him, do you know who I am?

I think he felt sorry for me afterwards, so he chucked me follow on Instagram.

That's nice. And finally let's talk about the thunderbirds outrageous finish. Well, we have fifty three apiece? What time is the official score? One goal? Official score is one goal? Ah confusion.

So basically what happened was on the official telecast on Fox, they had it as a draw and then they had to go to the scorers and go, okay, they're like one up. Because we're all Thunderbirds were all celebrating. I'm thinking, why are they celebrating? It's a bloody draw, and then yeah, there you go.

Great result and I think the second time this season they're beating the Fever by a goal. Just hope they say one of those for the finals as well. But what it means, you know, they stay in top spot and after a poor performance last week, a bit like the Crows to bounce back and they were hit by injuries last week, but to bounce back, I mean, that's huge for their season, the Thunderbirds.

And then if you guys have got a man crush on, I've got one on Sterling.

How good is she?

The most unbelievable netballer I've ever seen.

And athleticism and for those that haven't seen it up close, do yourself a favor and actually get to a game because she you have to be there watching her to appreciate just how dynamic she is.

Yeah.

Yeah, she's so good.

Is absolutely incredible.

And I don't want to call it early, but god, if we don't play in the Grand Final this year, then I'll.

Go heea, No, they'll make it. They're going to make it, Jody.

Yeah, but it's going to be heart stopping if they come up against the Fever. Can you imagine in the Grand Final. It's just going to be it's going to be too much for my little heart.

But it's good. It's nice that they're back there a bit like the crows. It's been too long.

Oh it's been.

It's been torture for Thunderbirds fans for quite a number of years now, but to see them back just in this form is unbelievable.

Guys.

We could talk about the Thunderbirds until the cows come, but the news is coming up and Renie's got to get back upstairs.

So really appreciate its Wednesday, Thank you so much.

Thanks Tommy. If it's time for a winter trip, but jump home morning. It's the place to go for quick Ossie.

To me, it's just getting in the car and just going for a cruise and.

Exploring for accommodation, flights and more.

Book on the wafat what if it's ouzzy for travel. But you're telling me that you've got the time machine on this daisy, Get a cool, cats and kittens. Welcome the Monday, and welcome to your little daily dose of knowledge from this particular day, because why not you absolutely smashed up brain cells.

Times to get back on straight and narrow.

Yeah, so true, and there's one man who can do it.

It's you, mate, it's me. I know what day it is.

It's Monday, twenty ninth, of May. Let's go back to nineteen sixty seven Old Gallagher born in Manchester, England. Today is his fifty sixth birthday. What about Nol and Liam just absolutely too positively charged ions trying to go at each other, but you can't get them together. No, I hate each other.

I look at my kids sometimes in the way they fight and they go, oh, well listen, not the Gallaghers.

Yeah, the Gallighers fighting. They take it to the next level. They bash each other up if they could.

I think they nearly have come to blows.

I reckon.

Yeah. And it's always the fact as well that they're such absolute iconic musicians.

It's like, boys, short your stuff out and just give us more music.

Exactly.

It's very rock star from isn't it?

It is nineteen sixty seven five dollar notes we introduced for the first time in Australia.

Nice, isn't it?

Sometimes and having a really good week my well, it's just brimming with at least two five dollar notes.

I know I've seen that.

Oh wow, it's like a sea of pink in there.

Yeah. And sometimes you like to show off and just like really pull them up out the top so we all know you've got.

Ten MUCKs in you will what's that?

What's it?

Probably totals around fifteen dollars dollar dollar bills y'o. Nineteen eighty seven, Michael Jackson made an unsuccessful bit of fifty thousand dollars to obtain the remains of the y elephant man Joseph Mary Michael Jackson. He would come and spend time on his own sitting next to the skeleton, obviously contemplating as America, that's just creepy.

That is so bizarre war, But we expect nothing less from a man who, I mean, let's face it, hasn't had a monkey as a pet and then dangled his baby over a balcony.

So next step by the elephant man?

Why not?

It's good?

Call bad like they're wacko jacko.

Twenty fourteen, Costco opened their first Queensland store and has that just become an institution?

Costco and Eyes have never been there, but everyone says it's worth it.

It's really good.

But don't you have to buy a membership?

Don't it?

Do you?

Yeah? Because you get in bulk it's really good and you're like, oh, just get a power and you come back with like eighty power raids that'll do a number one song on May twenty nine in nineteen ninety seven. What about this? You might want to admit.

It, but it's a good song. Bop by hands.

Oh, it's a great song. Wash your very mouth out.

They're still touring too, by the way, the boys they are, Yeah, voice is.

Broken and all sorts of things, and they've got hair and random places too far. Maybe they know you're saying. They don't get it anyway. What about the news that Abby's blast out? A couple of times about the person in North Queensland. Yeah, survived a crock attack, severe facial injuries, but he's going to survive.

Just what goes on.

So when I wake up in the morning, I think, you know what, I just don't get bitten on the face by a croc today.

No, that's going to one name.

He got me thinking though as well, and please get involved thirteen to twenty four to ten per cents of text as well, low for double nine nine nine on nine.

The things that You've been bitten by?

Wow, Yeah, I'm sensing you've got a list.

Well.

I grew up on the farm, yes, and pretty much every animal that I came God dag with At some stage we had some sort of disagreement where it was me biting them or them biting me, mainly then biting me. But can I just go through the animals that I've been bitten by?

Sure?

I can just imagine all these animals just looking at you, going this is low hagging fruit.

Yeah, I'm going to real crack here.

You know, enough's enough?

Back they bite me a fox, a sheep, a horse, a rat, some mice, a redback spider, a cat, a cow, a guinea pig, a ferret, and a cane toad. A cane toad's get nip you can.

Yeah.

We just spent a lot of time up in North Queens then, and they are everywhere?

Are they poisonous?

Don't you piss off a cane toake because he will?

But you are they dangerous? Though?

Like?

Yeah, you don't donat them?

No, no, because they've got the poison glands on their shoulders.

I thought, yeah, did they squirt you? Is that what?

Well?

I think that's a bit of an old wives tarle. I think, yeah they can, they're poisonous, but I don't think they can, you know, squirt you with poison?

Okay, So of all those animals that have just gone on. Andrew Hayes, Yeah, what was the most painful.

The most painful was the fox. So fox when I was in primary school and I get in trouble from one of those who are get to frown down on this. But I chased the fox on the full will motorbike and then the fox played dead and I picked him up and I took him home to show dad.

Of course you did.

And as the moment I let go of him, he sprung to life. He went bang, bit me on the hand, drew blood, and he ran off.

Clever mister fox.

Yeah I'm not dead.

Dead, got that your big knob is what he was thinking.

So red back spider, you got chomped on.

Bite, Yeah, just a little bite. You kind of got a little bit woozy, a little bit sick. But my dad got bitten by red back heaps like red backs, I'm pretty sure. I don't want to jinx anyone, but when was the last time someone died from a red back?

So thirteen twenty four ten? Did you die from a red spot?

Next step as well, as we're progressing from animals to humans, and it's quite common now for my daughter to bite me. Yeah that as well.

A little bit my kid got bitten at childcare. So another kid just came and bit her on the arm.

Yeah. Wow.

And then the childcit teacher was telling me that she came up to her in the playground a little bit afterwards and sort of fronted Peyton.

Yeah no, that's not Harper.

I mean twenty four ten, anyone else macks up their kids and came up to her and Harper has just two hands.

Just pushed her over.

Oh bang, bitter back.

Gone on like full offensive.

Then bang rabies.

My husband once right before my fortieth birthday, we had it down at Middleton and we were mucking around on the beach, just throwing tennis balls the day before, and he stood on one of those stonefish.

Oh, don't do that.

And then had to pull out one of the spikes.

Wow.

And I was like, if you ruin my birthday, care, if you die, just don't ruin my birthday.

Now we're talking before about some of the exotic animals you've been bitten by.

Yes.

Texts coming through as well in O F double n nine No my ninth. This one is from Amy from Eversince South. I said I was stung by scorpion on the North Peninsula.

It was brutal.

Oh my god, that would be so painful.

Really painful stuff. This one as well.

I got bitten by an albino python, the two eyed one at my daughter's birthday party.

It's very dangerous. The two eyed one much better than the one eyed python.

Reading story Towns sign Now for Jody's Juice, Straight Nut, Joe's you go this.

Lizzo has paid an emotional tribute to Tina Turner on stage. She said, as a black girl and a rock band, I would not exist if it were not for the Queen of rock and roll. Remember this, There would be no rock and roll without Tina Turner. And she said it several times. Just round that point home.

Yeah, good on you, Lizzo. Yes, she's doing a bit.

Of Proud Mary.

So even by this is secondhand audio, you can tell that she's absolutely nailing it.

She was absolutely belting that out.

Another woman who is a powerhouse when it comes to vocals, Celene Dion. She's canceled her Courage World tour amid her battle with.

Stiff Person's indur Oh boy, what happened?

So funny? Stiff person syndrome it's.

Sounds very pass sounds very painful.

The Powerhouse singer took to Instagram to announce that, after several post bonments.

She had decided to officially throw in the towel.

She announced the news in a caption of a pot show listing the full list of.

Tour dates that was scrapped.

Hard to throw in the towel, Throw anything when you've got a stiff arm, too.

Glitnick shows in France, Belgium, Denmark, Poland and the UK.

Good stuff, juicy, you see. Billie Eilish has had enough.

So the seven time Grammy Award winning artist took to Instagram to call out women hating.

Us widows, That's what she said.

They are all calling her a sellout for occasionally forgoing her signature baggy style in favor of more feminine pieces. This is her addressing those comments. She said, I spent the first five years of my career getting absolutely obliterated by you fools for being boyish and dressing how I did, and constantly being told I'd be way hotter if I acted like a woman. Now, when I feel comfortable enough to wear anything remotely feminine or fitting, I changed, and

Wow, in what.

Universe should this woman is incredibly talented woman have to defend her choice in clothing.

Yeah, that's ridiculous.

What is wrong with people? Honestly, a bit of breaking news here. Yeah, just about to be announced that David kosh is stepping down from Sunrise.

What a run it's been what twenty years across television, so and we just sort of wondered what was happening behind the scenes. We're seeing a lot of Matt Shervington and boy, oh boy, I'm thankful for it, you love.

I just feel like in these situations you can kind of sense when someone may or may not be being squeezed out, and you just get that sense that Koshi was being told, oh we got someone else.

Well, what an unbelievable run it's been in Sunrise, Such a juggernaut with the ratings as well.

So he's been what twenty odd years, but unbelievable.

You must get to a point where his granddad and you must just go, why am I getting up at three o'clock in the morning, and financially, I probably don't need to anymore.

Yeah, you know.

Also, and the other thing, we always ask ourselves what serve I got that we don't? Oh, that's right, everything, absolutely everything, good stuff, Joe say little version of Jody's jew right now though, thirteen twenty four ten, you're embarrassing moments in public? Yes, something outrageous happened to me a couple of days ago. And you know those moments in your life we go, hang on, hang on, can I just check myself? Did that actually happen? Yeah?

And is someone filming me? Is this like a moment in time where I'm being set up? Yeah?

Is Ashton Kutchner about to jump out and go like, gotcha humped?

I remember he did?

No punk?

That's good. I'd love to be punked by Aston Ashton Kutcher.

Yes, you just search them and going, am I've been punked? You're like, no, No, you're stalking me. What's happening here? That's what Ashton says to you.

Tell everyone what the birds did to you?

Yeah?

The birds? And they've been tearing up for a while. It would seem so.

I was just cruising along the Torrann's rever and I think I was in the midst of a ten kilombita run. Oh okay, it is four minute, twenty sit. It's not a big deal. A big deal, all right, just going for a run. For someone, it's a big deal, but for me it's it's just a leisurely chat. Yeah, yeah, that's fine, I get it. But what comes with that is me really gasping in some hair. So that's a mouth that's fully open, taking it as much oxygen as humanly possible.

Okay.

So I was on the other side of the torrons, just outside Adelaide University.

Yeah, and it felt like I got shot.

I got pelted with probably three or four things that hit me, and one of the things, and I'm not kidding here, landed directly in my mouth.

And there was a moment, Yeah you're picturing what's happening.

Aren't you. And there was a moment where I've sort of stopped and going what is that? I'll spat it out and looked down at my shirt. So it was three solid burpoes and I reckon the main let's call it a it's a very sloppy nugget.

But then the main nugget.

One hundred percent directly landed inside my mouth. Oh my god, so to the point.

Where it hit me and the moment of realization you go.

And stopped and almost on all fours And it was that moment I've gone, did that just happen? Oh my? Did my bird just relieve itself in my mouth?

So of all the things that could land in your mouth, the Torrens boo isn't one of them that I'd want.

I'm just trying to catch a heap of oxygen. Yeah, four minute, twenty splits. I want to get it down to four eight a me more. I had to press pause on my little Nike act.

And so what did you do then? Did you like, did you actually vomit in your mouth?

No?

Yeah, I spent a good five or six minutes. Look genuinely, it felt like I was going to vomit. But the worst thing was there was about three or four girls who saw the entire No. And I know that they saw it because I made direct eye contact with one of them and then I didn't look back. Yeah, because I could I could feel and sense their embarrassment. Yeah, yeah, Like I could tell that they were thinking, you poor thing, A bird just took a giant dump in your mouth.

So under any other circumstances when you're running shirtless by the Torrens, you'd welcome and relish that female attention, you would really soak it in.

But not when a giant bird has its way with me. And I'm assuming what was left on me as well. I don't even reckon it was a bird. It might have mean a terodactus.

I was a dinosaur.

It was a dinosaur. It was that big, Oh god, and I went home straight away. I texted Car as well, I'm like, you're not going to leave it. A bird just genuinely shat in my mouth.

And also, do you want to pash you want to do some kissing practice gun, because you don't usually my freshest let alone where there's a giant bird pooth.

Circulating around my tongue. Is that better? Is that what you're into? Thirteen twenty four ten. You're embarrassing moments in public, And here's a really really specific one.

If if you were along the Torrents a couple of days ago.

And you saw me get out slutely smashed in the mouth by this bird, can you give us a call.

We'd love to hear from you, oh God, and also thirteen twenty four to ten to any married humans actually passion.

Let's go to Leah from Monopara. Good morning, good morning, How are you good? What happened to you in public? Leah?

So?

I took my two year old daughter to the water park and I went down one of the spies, like you know, had great fun. And when I'm walking back to all of my friends, everyone was just looking at me really funny. And I was holding her and I thought it was because you know, I'm a young mom. I was wearing a bikini.

Yeah.

It wasn't until I walked all through the water parks back to my friends that I noticed that the bikini top had actually come down and there was nothing to cover.

I just I just gestured to Hazy while you were telling that story, I grabbed my boob and I said that boob was out.

So I remember, I remember when I was a youngster and we went to the beach, and we're from the country. We got to the beach once a year and the same thing happened to mom. Mom's coming out of the surf and there's a full breast exposed.

I'm going, Mom, what are you doing thinking?

Oh my gosh, No, we were that eccentric on the front, no idea. I thought it was.

Too young to even tell me. Unfortunately, walking around like okay, I love it.

I love that.

Leah's like, oh my god, everyone's looking at me because I look so banging.

Do you Cara from Blake for you? Good morning?

Good morning?

How are you good? Thank you? Your public humiliation hit us please.

I was that cold yesterday, just doing my general freak shop and I had a really basket with me, and I was trying to be really agile and try to squeeze between an old lady with a walker and a prayer. Yes, And I thought, yep, I've got this, walked really quickly, and then then my basket wheel got caught on this lady's prayer released me back and I stacked it. Most of the ladies looked at me, and I was mortified,

That was not on my to do list.

I was just there to get fruit.

No, this sounds really fresh for you, too, car fresh trauma.

Yeah, I can't go to colors anymore.

Yeah, and that's a big commitment to extra travel. Now will worse is on the market. Yes, maybe I finally get to go.

Yeah late for you, She's going to teach Tree Gully extra travel.

A lot of texts coming through as well. Thank you.

Then I for double nine one nine nine one nine. This one from Hannah and Gray. She said, went for a years on a first date.

She mistake first of all, don't do the first particularly the garlic.

Got home and had coriane in my teeth everywhere, mortifying because she obsessively checks her teeth when she's out.

Okay, let me.

Throw you on the deep end here, Jones.

You've had across the journey and our experience together, you've had a few little issues with sometimes a bit of lippy getting on the tea.

Hm. Is it funny?

It's pretty funny. It's funny, all right.

We could have a chat about your vision line and the fact that you rip out your mouth guard and just splash saliva over everyone within five k's talk about that.

What. I'm a very very happy person that we got to chat with Jonathan Thurston this morning too.

But can I just explain something I feel the need to explain about my joke because it glitched a little bit because we spoke to JT on Facebook. But it was a mercury in uranus, So that makes the joke makes sense now because he's the Momita broke.

Andrew right also expoken one zoom Facebook do we I'm surprised throwing the Facebook quickly just before we go as well. If you've got a bit of a shoddy car and you're looking for some cheap repairs, all that type of thing you need to head out to notplayed right now, register details your chance to win one of many five hundred dollars approved repair. A vouch is pretty good stuff. Your cars under the weather, take it to an independent R double A approve repair before you hit the road.

Joe one hundred percent. We've always said that.

It was a big show today. I listened to the podcast. A big show tomorrow as well.

Yeah, show coming up tomorrow.

Yes, have it on Hazey.

He's going to return for another chance for some state of origin tickets. Yep, of course, another chance to get on stand by this for Nova's ten k your day in May love that for us, enjoy the rest of Monday.

Yeah, and my wish for everyone out there today is that a bird doesn't poop in your mouth.

Oh my god, it might happen again. Watch this space Adelaides and Hazy