No Offence But F*** You

Welcome to the podcast.

You filthy animals, And i'd say filthy animals, I mean wholesome, absolutely perfect.

People, good stuff, because you don't want to give anyone a backhanded compliment, do you?

No?

I mean, don't take this the wrong way jokes.

Every sentence that's ever started with that phrase is going to be some sort of thinly value abuse.

Say not offense, but you I said, not offans. It's all good.

Oh, it's fine, that cancels it out. I enjoy the podcast. Hey Friends.

Star Jennifer Aniston has had a bit of a vent and a bit of a rant about a commonly used compliment that drives her bananas. So speaking to British Vogue, she said, the phrase you look great for your age should be you look great period. She said, that's a habit of society that we have these markers like well that stage so for your age. I don't even understand what it means. I'm in better shape than I was in my twenties. I feel better in mind, body and spirit. It's all one hundred percent better.

Right, Okay, thought's about that.

Yeah, I can understand we're saying, because what should you not look this good? Or does that mean you actually don't look that good, but considering how old you are, you're not too bad.

I just don't like the sentiment that the only level of attractiveness is youth.

That's the marker that's been used here.

Yeah, so, and it really got me thinking about my looks now compared to being in my twenties. So when you're in your twenties, I think producers you'll agree, you sort of get a sense that your looks at your commodity, that that's your currency in life, especially as a female, and you're obsessed with being a bit thin and attractive and all those sorts of things. And I don't know when it happened, or why it happened, or how it happened, but now I.

Just don't care. I really like I used to, because.

Particularly in my other job where you're on the telly, I used to do the tanning and get the hair done every couple of months, and lashes and all that sort of stuff.

I just don't want to look bad on the telly. Now.

If C plus is the past, then I'll take it. And I don't know why that switch happened, but quite seriously, I just feel like now I want people to find me attractive because they think I'm kind, or they think I light up a room, or they think I'm funny, or I've got a good heart.

It's all those things now that.

Make me want people to find me attractive for those reasons. And like, I still work out, but I don't work out because I want to be a size six. I work out because it's good mentally and it's good for my body, and it's yeah, the mental health side is more for me.

Yeah. I like how you just don't care at all.

Sometimes like a Wednesday morning and Jodie walks in shido and she's completely naked, Like Jodes, what's.

Going on with no clothes? And I don't care anymore.

I'm so free, I'm so in touch with my spirituality. If I want to be naked, I will be. But yeah, it's a really interesting one. And she was also Jennifer was saying that she had these I have to do a minimum pounding, pounding, pounding, forty five minutes of hard cardio. Otherwise I haven't had a good workout, and she said, then her body just broke down and got injured.

So now she does a lot more gentle stuff, which was interesting as well.

Yeah, but just the old backhanded compliment, Like I've learned not to even expect compliments from you because they're never ever forthcoming.

That's really not fair because I'm genuinely doing my best.

I know you try, but yeah, the old backhanded compliment. I get this one a lot. So people will come up to me in the street and go, oh my god, you look so much better in real life than you do.

On the Telly, so supposed to me that you futured on TV.

That's exactly what I say to people now, Yeah, so what are you saying? I look like a pig on the Telly?

Yeah?

Great, thanks nicer in real life. I'm sort of glad it's not the other way around. Anyone who ever starts I sentence off with the words, no, you take this the wrong way, no offense, No offense.

It's always offensive.

And this one is, well, I really like how people you don't care what people think of you.

That means in general, you're probably a bit of a mug.

Yeah yeah, but I rise above that, and I don't care that people think that you're a mug.

Yeah you know what I mean, So I reckon it's your thirties.

I'm just starting to get to that point where I'm at that point of like I just don't care anymore.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I reckon.

I'm thirty three, so I reckon started around the light thirty month.

I reckon.

And it's you know, it's play exhausting. It's exhausting trying to look good all the time.

You know what about this? Have you know?

Andrew? Yeah, it exhausting for trying to look good all the time.

Showering every day, all those types of things. What about this ab have you? Have you ever been told this? You're so great? Why are you still single?

Yeah? One all the time?

What's a gorgeous girl like you doing?

Still single? Shut up?

You?

I said, Actually, I said to someone on bumble Oh this was a few months ago. He said, why are you still single? And I said, because I'm mentally ill? And I thought he was going to delete me and block me, but he did and he took it like a chap. So shout out to him.

Let's do this this morning on the back of gen or like you look great for your age.

Shut up.

That's a backhanded compliment. It's your backhanded compliment. People said to you and you've gone. I don't know how to feel about that. Part of that hurts my heart, you know.

Yeah, so the big one as well was for me with football. Yeah, but you had a pretty good career considering you didn't play AFL.

It's like whack.

I mean you won for sandful bloody premierships. That's not that's not really sneezed at.

And then when you walk away they go geese. You'd give it a lot from one AFL game.

Let's go to Carli. What are you copping? Carli?

Well, I'm a teacher of primary school age children and we all know that they are the most honest people in the world. I have been wearing a mask because I live with my dad and my dad's really sick at the moment. And one of the kids comes up to me and goes, look, no offense, but you look so much prettier with the mask on. Yeah, And that one broke me a little bit.

That would hurt my soul. Thank you, Carl.

I'm sure it's not true, Christy, watch your backhand a compliment for I'm a young mum.

So I'm forty five really two young boys and I was out at a party and I someone.

Walks on the grass, you know, for true kids. No, it's not that bad on Okay.

Something you should never comment on is parenting or a woman's body after she's had children.

Just don't do it, yes, and even I can work that out.

Yeah, just just there as you just don't go down there exactly right, Catherine, Good morning.

Hi guys. So my daughter plays baseball and she's fifteen and she gets told that she plays really well for a girl, and most times she's actually copying it from other females, which is even worse.

Oh no, so our little producers are we Here is a fierce feminist and her face looks horrified right now?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, not cool.

That's curus, norell. What have you got for us?

Yeah?

I had a fat handed comment.

I was at work because I love quite a bit of weight, and all of.

A sudden a girl came up to me and.

Said, oh, you look really well.

Have you put on weights?

It has to stop, like commenting on people's weight, ever, is so unacceptable.

Don't you think just leave it? Might just find something else to talk about. Maybe talk about the weather. It's pretty cold at the minton.

Yeah, and if someone with your emotional intelligence of Andrew Hayes can explain that to people, then it's just a no go.

Isn't that what is even going on? Have you seen the way that I run? Did you ever see me play football earning or the way that I run?

Yeah, I've seen you run. I saw your running around the Union loot the other.

Day, extremely upright. The way that I run, like real solid, high knee lift. So I've had a couple of sessions with Henry talk about kids being honest where I've had a couple of sprints because we're playing football and he will stopping and going Dad.

No, stop running like an idiot.

Run properly like this, And I'm trying to explain to him that's just how I run. Yeah, the brutalness of youngsters.

Yes, that's harsh, isn't it.

Yeah, I didn't notice your uprightedness when I saw you running the other day.

Of course I didn't know it was a thing. It is according to Henry.

Because Henry, it's going after me. You know. Let's all share though.

If you've got a little example of those backhanded complets, still text them through as well.

I for double nine no nine.

So you can take us out on a little humble brag about how far you run the other day as well?

What do you well?

You always go just just dick twenty one guys.

Well, I'll be sure it actually was nineteen, but it's just a number at the end of the day, do.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, that't me much.

And then I was I always saw for the next three days. But a good distance for someone my age.

Have you checked out? What if dot COM's a top ten winter weekend is yet?

How good is it?

What tip long systens in there, camera kNs, tweetheads.

The book you week to get away on the water fat?

What if it's Aussie for travel?

Gosh? What days it again? A joke? That's a job, job, a terrible job. This is how I just started. On Monday.

Each and every Monday, valued members of the team each bring a joke.

It puts you in good spirits. That's exactly right. Our aim is to please right here, right now and to make you.

Laugh and smile. I just look forward to Abby's joke every single.

Monday this segment.

We know your feelings and it's like it's like we have to drag you in here to participate but anyway, you go.

First, I'll go first.

If that's okay, go on and really set the tone and set the standard.

All right.

So on top of what was a large Saturday nights, you're going to believe this as well, Joe's So, I was on my way home and a man assaulted me with a block of cheese and a pint of milk as well.

What seriously, how dairy? Now the nucleus of this job.

You've got cheese and you've got milk, which were all valued commodities of the department.

The dairy.

I thought they were cubs or veggies or something.

Also, the whole point is, if you joke is decent, you don't need demand explaining it each and every week.

AnyWho, Abby, Yeah, sure, we'll be ready.

A teenager invited her boyfriend over to watch a movie at home.

She turned the lights off.

When he arrives, the mother walks past in terms and back on. This happens a few times until the daughter says, what's wrong with the sitting in the dark to watch a movie? The mum saunters back and replies, licking the light on again.

Honey, children in.

The dark cause accidents, but accidents in the dark caused children.

I get it, Hang on and get it. What's going on?

Because when you get out there's no lass and you walk around you can bump into things.

Sure, yeah, yeah, is that what's going on?

I think that's it.

This is what says every week. Ready, ready, John mun Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay.

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named a male.

The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him one.

Years later, one sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of a mall.

He responds, they're twins. If you've seen one, you've seen them all.

Words, that's good.

Joe's round up nicely, Abby, one more quick, go on it. A man is just walking to the studio and we're all feeling just a little bit sheepish.

The weekend squads.

O ye, yes, welcome, great man, great to be here, Yes speak weekend. Lots of footy to talk about, thunderbirds amazing, so so much good sports to talk about from the weekend.

Even just very quickly the happy birthday to you. We had a big night on Saturday night.

Guess what happened to me?

When I got home, we realized we didn't have keys to get into the house, so I had to sit on the porch in the freezing cold while my husband got an uber to my mother in law's to get a spare key.

No, that's the way my night end.

Where did you leave them?

I know we just because we ubered it there.

We didn't take any keys with us, so and the kids had used the spare key, Rennie and not put it back in the lock box.

Oh my goodness.

Anyway, happy birthday.

Yeah, that was the place, by the way. Because the weather wasn't kind.

The lawn looks like Elizabeth Ovaal you know this time of year, after a very wintry day, it was.

It was chopped up. Yeah, the goal square upon about a round tworld.

Have you got a green thumb? Hazy or Jod's can you maybe you know you've got any tips?

The thought called Jim's mowing. Hey, what do you want to start this point? Do you want to start with the cricket?

Let's do that. Yeah, what a great night. Well it was rain affected, but I'm loving it. There was a bit of Nigel overnight so Oli Robinson was mcquajarra out for one hundred and forty one, gave him a sendoff absolutely spray, he's just smashed him one hundred and forty and he just goes on your bike. But I love it. It's a bit of mongrel, bit of feeling in the series.

From the two boys.

This good stuff, isn't it.

You need to give credits well to the England and where they're going about it, declaring on.

The first day and you know what, it could come back to haunt them, hazy because they probably could have made an extra fifty runs, but they take the game on and you know what, I did love yesterday when they bowled to our lawer order. They had some of the most unusual fields but it worked. They tried things differently. They're trying to, you know, in courage people to watch Test cricket. It's entertaining and they're achieving it. They're making the game fun to watch.

Let's get to the netbull, shall we can we do that first?

Yeah?

Now Jody's on, I know, I mean what like, they've been struggling the last month. They've been really struggling. But they beat the Swifts over there and that means they finished second, so double chance they play them again this week for a spot in the Grand Final.

Yeah, huge win on the weekend.

Se't I won't drill down onto it too much, but there are a lot of tactics that play too. Because they had up against Remlda aaken who can shoot from under the post but cannot shoot a two shots. Yes, so what they were doing is when the five minute buzzer went, they were swapping out their players to their specialist two shots.

So it was Yeah, it was a really interesting game.

Thunderbirds will go back to Sydney this weekend and.

If they win.

Straight through the Grand Final, which would be enormous, but at least they've got that double chance now, yeah, and they deserve to finish top two.

I just don't know where they're going to play if it comes back here because I think the entertainments it is being used for Disney on ice.

So if it comes back.

Here, could they merge the two together? Maybe like that.

You got to play, but you got to play on ice skates.

Stepping? No, I'm not stepping. I'm just slighting across the floor.

Yeah, extraordinary, isn't it.

So yeah, because they would feel that joint out twice three times over. Absolutely, but yeah, so look, great win. Nonetheless, they worry about that if they get there. But a magnificent result on the weekend.

Hey running some footy as well, obviously the Crows at the buy on the weekend. They play Colinward next week. I played on Thursday and a huge, huge win. The question Wan I'll ask you is can you see them making any changes because it's very, very solid talent running around in the sample.

We'll just have a look at what they did yesterday, Hazy and I know you're all over it. You're a brilliant job with seven with regards to the sample, But me, yesterday has twenty six touches, Bergorn has twenty five. Jonah's got through again, had twelve touches. Razia Fantasia played pretty much just the first half, a couple of goals. They're good players, great depth, But I have to change a winning side hazy, isn't it. I mean, Junior Weoly didn't play last week, so he has to come back in

It's a good spot to be, great spot, really good spot to be.

And obviously we speak to Ratzia Fantasia every second week. He's an absolute favorite of ours three weeks in a row now.

That he's got through, which is really be good to see.

Yeah, and that's it. He's building the body of work. If he can do two more weeks, hazy, he'll play at some stage. He's too good to play not to and he could be really important come finals time. They've got to make the finals. They should finish top two now, so it's still there for him. But he just needs to keep on playing. There'll be an injury or maybe some loss of forum somewhere he'll get a chance.

Ye, you've lost me now. I'm just imagining Daffy Duck on the ass going here.

If you putting the w D ready before we let you go, it's Mondays, you know that. Main's quick little joke for us.

What do you call a fish wearing a bow tie? A fish decated the.

Guest freaking story?

This town has huge. So the twenty twenty three log Awards are getting the Oscars treatment with Channel seven announcing TV's Night of Nights. We'll have a host for the first time in eleven years. Do you want to guess who the host might be?

Oh, I'm gonna say, is it David kosh.

Zampang?

That's good?

Who said it's a huge honor to be asked host.

The loadis and while it will be weird not having a buzzer or a beer in front of me.

Hopefully I'm up for the challenge.

This is him last year, excepting Kitty Flanagan's LOGI on her behalf because she couldn't make it.

The TV week where he goes to Kitty Flanagan.

Well, Kitty obviously couldn't be here tonight. But Kitty, I know, would be mortified that she has won this award considering all the nominees you just saw, and should be happy to know that it wasn't really a very popular win in the room.

Sampang is amongst the very very select group of comedians in this country who was so bloody seriously funny.

Yeah, yeah, it's just his deadpan delivery. And they've just released the list of nominees, so this is the Gold Logi list.

Shocking Lee Hamish.

But Blake Julia Morris, Lee Sales from seven thirty in Australian Story on the ABC, Mark Cole Smith from the ABC, Osha Gunsberg from The Bachelor's and Sean mckayoff and.

Sonya Kogan Early prediction, Who have you got?

Krem Della cremh Probably Hamish? I mean, is there anything that man can't do?

No one's going to play an they nah, no, absolutely not Juicy Australia.

We have a new Ashes villain.

So the first test is teetering on a knife edge as we close down on day three and I think rain might have closed play early.

Yeah that mister heaper player yesterday because of rain, which is annoying.

But the biggest drama happened early in the day with England's Ollie Robinson being called out by cricket fans following his over the top send off after dismissing Ulsmand Kowaja who made like three thousand runs. Yeah, no, he made about one hundred and forty. And then he's given him a mouthful on the way out.

This is the thing.

This is the thing about situations like this, where I mean, is he saying, ah, I got you, You're my victim, and then it goes I just I just scored one hundred and.

Forty mate, I was like nine runs short of a century and a half.

Shut up, mate, ridiculous. We love a villain, particularly the Ashes.

Yeah, there's a lot of chirping that goes on.

Yeah, absolutely, a lot of chirf there would be, and that's just the barmie Army.

Yeah, Oh my gosh. So when I went to the Ashes, me and a couple of the other wags thought it would be a really good idea to run past that stand.

Oh my god.

To think the sheer amount of abuse we got on the way past, I was like, oh my god, this is the worst decision I've ever made.

Like fun abuse or stuff that really makes you go, I'm quite offended in my eyes.

A leaking.

Yeah, it was horrible because we ran past with the Aussie flag thinking that would be fun.

Well on earth did you think that would be a good idea?

Because I was twenty one and an indjit.

Can you say who was you with?

Yeah?

It was with Tracy Bevan and Jay McGrath, actually all three of us little.

Blondies round who were good stuff.

Corney Kardashian has revealed she's pregnant in a very sweet and public way. So Courtney's husband is Travis Barker. He was playing a set with his band Blink one eight two, and Courtney had been pictured in the crowd holding up a sign with the happy news Travis, I'm pregnant. Producers a we can you jump on the mic and explain the significance of this sign please okay.

So Travis was playing with Blink one eight two in this show and in the Blink one eight two film clip for All the Small Things, in the crowd of one of their performances, a chick holds up a side it says, Travis, I'm pregnant. So Courtney came to the show and he said, Travis, I'm pregnant.

And he was like, it's just a joke, joke, not really, just a bit of fun.

Yeah, oh I get the joke because that's from the film clip.

But you're not really marry then, are you?

Very good stuff, Travis, Bark's still getting done as well with the Blink one or two boys, All.

The Small Things, one of the greatest songs have all done.

It really is. It's up there. It is the song of a generation of youth.

Oh isn't it?

Yeah? So true? And you built a time machine on this days. Yeah know what you're thinking, he's thinking, Oh, drag, it's a Monday. Well, don't think like that.

Embrace it, get amongst it, and inject that little damage brain of yours with some knowledge.

It's time to repair and recuperate.

Why do you presume everyone's as bad as you on the weekend.

I just assume everyone had twenty five yeers on Saturday night?

What was that? Just me? Happy birthday, Tom Rain? Oh boy, let's not do it forty there.

Ever, again, let's go back to the nineteenth of June in nineteen eighty three. Maclamore his real name is Ben Taggetty, Big bad Benny Boy.

That's certainly not as cool as Rockster.

Born in Washington. Today's his fortieth birthday.

Forty cheap de bed.

He's done very, very well along with Bryan Lewis, and everyone's like, what Ryan lewis even doing? Everything is Maclamore and Ryan Lewis's produced.

Probably the brains in the operation.

Ryan's taken his wagon and hitched to Maclamore's back.

Yeah, well that's a good cash.

Nineteen seventy eight, Garfield the Cat made his comic debut.

Ladies and Settlement, Gofield and Friends. I loved Garfield as a kid, I love Garfield. I used to get up early in the morning and watch Garfield on Cheese TV.

Going to Beckham Public School, Yes, Garfield. I used to recollect all the comic books as well.

What we did learn is that John, the owner. John was a massive loser.

Yeah, okay, yeah, he's always trying to lock down Liz go on his dates.

He couldn't quite get it.

He never quite sealed the deal.

Also, what was interesting about Garfield was his best friend Odie. Who would have known when I was a kid loving Garfield and little Odie was there.

And then one day I'm becoming Audie. Yeah, similar to Odie.

We're gonna say some of brain capacity because that would be awful because Odie he had some issue.

He wasn't much going on and note his head no, yeah, bless him though.

Two thousand and three, Chrispycame Donuts opened their first door in Australia in Penrith and New South Wales. I was in year twelve at the time and I was in Sydney at the time, and you better believe we made a couple of trips of Penwrith ago someone with donuts.

It's just the hypes around in Krispy Kreams.

When it first came to Adelaide as well, like the lineup on Port Road, it was outrageous.

It's like guys hang in their six months, they'll be at the airport. You can just crab them an.

W want Yeah, like this thing's going to expand, it would seem Yeah. Twenty fifteen, Pixars animated film Inside Out is released.

Okay, good, but it's no series like Cars was Lightning McQueen.

I am speed Pixar though, geez, I mean they're basically raising my children.

Yeah, good on them, Good on them. I appreciate that, thanks guys.

Number one song on June sixteen, two thousand and four was a Superstar by Jamelia. Fun fact about Jamelia is that there's no fun facts about Jimina. This was Jamilia's grand final. Now I was a little bit dustier saying it's a little bit sore in the head. Yeah, could be worse. I could mean like this person or body that they found in Texas not too long ago. Police investigating the discovery of a woman's body in Texas have determined that the deceased victim was in fact a sex doll.

Hang on what happened?

Authorities in Harris County made a strange discovery. On Wednesday, they were called to a residence after a body was found on the premises. However, upon closer inspection, the official determined it was in fact a sexal.

False call on this one.

Upon closer inspection, it's not a body, Harry's County Sheriff Ed Gonzales said hours later, Oh, come on the silicon sext dole was only wearing a pink bra and underwear at the time it was found.

It was also dismembered, which is very very strange. Oh weird.

But more importantly, as Ed Gonzale said, upon closer inspection, it was just a sex dole. Oh god, oh the relief A thirteen twenty four to ten. How many times you've found a body and it turns out to be.

A sex doll? Don't you hate that? All the phones are yep, oh yeah, it's crazy.

Texts too overhall double owe none one nine.

Did you find a sex doll that you thought was a dead person.

I watched the phone lines absolutely light up.

It's so weird that this should come up today because I went.

On International Sex all day. It's not it's not.

I went around to your house yesterday and I thought, oh, my God, that's that's a corpse. And then on a closer inspection, I poked you when I went, oh, no, it's just it's just Hazy style.

We're in pink underwear as well.

Tomorrow big show, we're going to catch up with the Hilltop Hoods if you don't mind you claim to be friends with one of them.

Yeah, we'll see how that goes with Dan Smith also have it on Hazy So we launched this morning. That's how we're going to head along to Lewis Capaldi tomorrow. From tomorrow we're going to be giving tickets away, so you need to hang around for that and.

Also make sure you interistered for pay your bills. We paid someone's mortgage in the month today, wasn't it three grand?

Really good stuff.