Hayesy's Joke Is So Funny HR Want To Hear It

Go get you morning every day, adelaides.

That's a job.

That's a joke, that's a job. That's a terrible job. For sure, Monday morning. Let's kick things off with bitty humor, just to ease you into your working week.

I think I'd like to go first, sure, because mine is short, sharp and china.

Yeah, okay, Okay, he apparently goes for like ten minutes.

Okay, you definitely go first.

Okay, So I'm just gonna I'll do the first one. If it doesn't hit, then I'll follow up so loud.

You get one chance, and one chance only.

You can't have a reado?

Do you ever reado?

Live radio?

Yeah? You are not the king of the joke. Offic I am do whatever I want?

All right, Ready you're the queen, Yeah exactly, Okay, Ready.

Why did the hairdresser win the race? He knew a short cut?

Okay, look it was no I get it, I get it, I get it.

I wasn't confident for you. It's all about the delivery.

Joe lost you. There, you lost you?

All right, Let's go to the second one. Why did the bullet lose its job? It got fired?

Okay, there'll be such sad things Wow, you've been turning too much time with Greg Gotti.

So true.

All right, there, what you got appreciate that for sure.

This one's going to go right over both of your heads. But to those of you who are listening, and anyone who's offended, don't come at me.

I'm pretty switched on guy. All right, many past except for everything, all right.

A dog and a cat having an argument over which species are humans favorites. The dog says, humans love us so much they named a body part after us. The canine too, so that shows that we are the favorite. True, so true.

The cat lays.

Back and smiles and says, you're really not going to win this one.

It is true.

I'm surprised you too. Followed along there said we weren't going to get it.

Yes, I actually thought that he was going to play crickets and I was going to have to storm out of here for the first time in months, going a quick.

I was kind of hoping for that too. Anyone who's offended, Sorry.

Race through this one. Okay. So our family's at the dinner table and the son asks a father, dad, how many kinds of boobs are there? The father very surprised. He says, well, son, A woman goes through three phases. I didn't rite this, by the way. In her twenties, a women's boobs are like melon's, round and firm. Into her thirties and forties, they're like pears, still a nice but hanging a little bit. After fifty they're like onions. He says onions, and son asks, yes, you see them

O my god, there's a hr email that she's popped up on my phone, and Andrew Hayes is required h comment, Hazy, Hazy, that was an interesting one.

I have loved working with you. See you later soon. Here's what you're waking up to, Adelaide.

What's the news today, news?

Yes, all the things you need to know today. Let's go to Abby in the newsroom first, because she's a foremost authority in news.

I try to be A really sad story coming out of Port Lincoln over the can a father who was swimming with his best mates kids and his own kids has actually been caught in a rip himself. Emergency services will head back out today. So it's day three. This happened on Friday afternoon. Dankojacia hasn't been seen since Friday afternoon.

His family are holding onto.

Hope that maybe, just maybe he made it to shore somewhere and he's trying to get back to them. But yeah, unfortunately he hasn't been seen since Friday afternoon. So really really sad news coming out of Port Lincoln, which is, yeah, not good.

I just hate this story.

So he was on the shore, he saw his two boys struggling, he saw his best mates little girl struggling, swam out, saved them and then hasn't been seen since.

Ye it's heartbreaking, isn't it. Yeah?

I think you know, with the hot weather and everyone heading to the beach.

Even.

I was at Mowana on Sunday and there were two shark starts. Yeah, so there was two within forty five minutes. You've just got to be so so careful. Apparently on the website of the beach they went to, it does say on there there is a rep and it's not patrolled, so please be careful.

Unfortunately this has happened.

Not great, No, okay, let's move on to the fact that everyone gets their life back now because the Australian Open. No more Aussies left. So Alex Deminor last night he was the last. Great hope, wasn't he And then it was two sets up, No, it.

Was he was two sets to one. He won the second and third.

Yeah, and then last set just got blown away six smash six.

What happened?

I know?

Horrendous.

So anyway, the good news for everyone everywhere is that we can all sleep, we can all go to bed to get up early.

It's fine.

Now.

Don't you dare watch any of the rest of the right.

No, don't you very dare. What about doubles? Anyone left in the doubles?

No?

Max Purcell and Ebden were out last week.

Weren't they.

Quackin Arcus and.

No, come on, work with me, work with me.

Pressed this and let's moves. I don't know if they're still in. Let's talk about something very very positive. What about our strikers.

What the hell happened?

They absolutely pants the scorches, that's what's happened.

I know.

Well, fifty runs in the end.

So apparently there's an article saying that Jason Gillespie got to Perth and the front page of the paper was Scorches v. One man Matt Short, So it was basically denigrading our side, our great side that are Adelaide and yeah, sure.

Enough they shot their shot too early.

Yeah, I think it was the West Australian. So what it was it was a picture of Matt Short and it just had dominoes behind him, and that is if you get out Matt Short and all the rest of the dominoes at four. So Matt Short got at early. But then Jack Weatherill was on fire and then the boys and Pope just went bang with the ball. So tonight taking on the heats in Brisbane, yep, for a chance to play the sixth is in the final.

Go our striker, how good you just had a massive comeback and the thirty six is as well.

Don't discredit, don't you very dare ever?

Yeah, if you're right off any Adelaide team.

Okay, well I wouldn't call people an idiot. What are you doing well?

To be fair, the six's form wasn't good. The striker's form wasn't good, So don't call people an idiot.

It's good to be fair.

We call Hazy an idiot?

Yes, I call it constructive feedback. Good luck to our strikers. Tonight's two degrees across Satelaide today. Welcome to Monday, Jody and Hazy. You're great to be here.

What a joy, What an.

Absolute joy, And what a joy would be if you were to head along to Tokyo with your best mate, flight, accommodation, everything paid for, just to catch up and watch Taylor Swift.

Oh my god. Wow. What about the experience of a lifetime.

Huge results to yourself on the standby listing me in the mix of this thing? Do that by getting on air with us A couple of chances this morning via a blitz. Joe's want to talk to you right now though about Sits Pinkling.

I'm sorry Sits pinkling very part of.

What Yes, that's what happens when a male sits down to do a number one. And look, I think we've spoken about this before, in particular, we spoke about producers. Are his gorgeous boyfriend Alex, who really is so I'd say he's a courageous and fearless Aussie leader.

He's pristine. He is pristine.

Very good, isn't He's still doing it though.

Yeah, every single time, fails, every.

Single time, every single time. In fact, one time at the foot of that lad, I saw him having a little sits pinkle in the Europe, which is just outrageous.

What did you say to him?

What are you doing?

Mate?

I said, well, no, you're a fearless, courageous Aussie leader and that's a man who can lead us into the next world.

Okay, say it again.

Sits pinkling, sits pinkling. Okay, yes, So look, you wouldn't believe it. And sometimes you see all these studies in there for like research secure all sorts of I don't know, maybe diseases or try and make the world better, try to be more sustainable, and I'm like, oh, but what about this. They do a study on which men from which country are leading the way for sitspinkling?

Wow, wins.

I'll go through your top five wins.

Please.

It's going to be top five, but you always want to go number one, so it's something for us to work on. Number five Australia, Okay, try harder boys, try harder boys, be more like producers his boyfriend, Alex. Yeah, that's something that I've always lived by. Number four is Canada. Yep, good on your.

Boys, good stuff cold over there.

I know what people are automatically thinking when they think of sit spinkling, the scrutiny that comes with it. I get it.

The sound of you're hitting the un It sounds feminine.

No, let's get rid of that. It's not good enough. It's not good enough. You can be still very very manly and have a little bit of a sit spinkle.

Number three Denmark, Okay, didn't see that coming.

No, no one saw that coming. Number two Sweden, Oh yeah, Number one tense Germany, Oh oh, hold on, guys, be more like the Germans. Two things in twenty twenty four, If you don't mind, Jones, I'll normalize. Lets get rid of the stigma. Okay, And once again I will play this and just listen to this.

The sound of you're hitting it sounds feminine.

No no, no, no, no no, that's the stereotype. Let's normalize it. Sits winkling. Okay and normalized sheowbies all right, okay, what time is? What time? Pm? Shewerby? Oh okay, right, yeap hey, hey, who knows? Let's mix the two together.

Well they go hand in hand, won't they.

Oh my god, you're back from a nice little weekend away in Gold Coast.

Had a little sojourn to the Gold Coast for three days because my daughter was competing at the National Dance Championships, which was entertaining in itself.

Yeah, I bet it wasn't. And didn't you zip off on Friday morning?

I did aggressively and listen the story I'm about to tell you. I'm blonnd like I am blonde at least I spend three hours in a salon every two months to be blonde, and.

I had.

Darker. Who's to say anyway.

So I thought i'd tell you this story because you would quite enjoy it. So had to zip off get to the airport literally. We finished the show at nine. My flight was at ten forty, so Boom had to go. So ordered an uber and I was standing out the front of Nova nine one nine at High Mush Square here in Adelaide, waiting for the uber.

I know you're facing the wrong way again, trying to hail the uber whilst facing the building again where not again.

So I was standing there and I ordered said uber, and I was watching my phone and I'm watching the blue dot and it wasn't moving. And I get very anxious about flights, like I have to get on time et cetera, et cetera on one of those people. I'm not one that can swoop in at the last minute and just run to the gate and jump monstrous.

That's not me.

So I'm watching the blue dot and I was like, oh my god, it's not Why isn't it moving? And it was stuck on it and I was like six minutes until the uber arrives, and I was like, oh my kitty aunt, what is going on here? And then I realized that perhaps I wasn't watching the little car that should be moving.

I was watching the blue dot.

You're watching yourself. You're looking at yourself, screaming at yourself via the blue dot, asking for more movie.

I was watching the Blue Dot that is an over nine or nine at HEINM I was watching My location.

Yeah. Do you know the you know the phrase you'd forget your head if it wasn't screwed on? Do you know that's directly directly pointed at you. They made that phrase up years and years ago. It was directly pointed at Ja.

So sorry, I hate being mate.

Also, there's no doubt that that Uber driver at the same time was looking at you, looking at the phone, what is going on? And he's right front, going Jody, get in my car? Where is it?

My really, let's up?

It is so time for it.

Let's go girl hytg ytg.

Yeah, the girl's not s Yeah the sweety what a wee?

Sp okay.

So, the uninitiated, if you're joining us for the first time in twenty twenty four, welcome, Thank you so much. This is where we talk about all the things that the girls talk about that we probably shouldn't talk about on air, but we do. We talk about it off air in the office and then Andrew joins in and we're like, oh, make get out.

Tic chut.

I'm usually not listening though, like I'm there, but I'm not there, Do you know what I mean?

Yeah?

Yeah, I'm present, you mean, and when both eyes looking in different directions and there's dribble coming out of my mouth, Yeah, that's where I'm going to land, far far away of what you guys talking about.

Yeah, anyway, Producers, Zoe joins us produces Zoe in your twenties in a beautiful.

Relationship with the gorgeous Alex who we're all Yeah.

Abs from the newsroom, happily single.

Who knows well? I mean this week? This week changes from week to week. Yeah, are we seeing anyone?

I don't have anything to say, no comments, taking the fit. I will not be answering questions at this time.

I feel like I'm outside of court for Channel ten right now? What have you got to chill her? Okay, this week's chick chat. Hi, Jody, Abby and Zoe my best friend and her fiance. This is an email, by the way, obviously snail mail. They wrote in Yeah, my best friend and her fiance have just called the off their engagement after six months. They got engaged on a whim and the reality of it all is some. They were together for a year. He got her a super

What does she do? That's from Sally from Plympton.

Well wait, okay, wow, So my first thought on this is, I guess an engagement ring is a promise, like it's a gift, as a promise, we're going to get married, we're going to be together.

So if that.

Promise is broken, then I think maybe perhaps give it back.

It depends who breaks the promise too, doesn't it true? So if the partner who gave the ring it was the other person who did it, then you've probably to give it back. If you've called it off late, you've received the ring and it's on you for calling it off.

Yeah, I think you should give it back.

But I also feel like you're missing the very definition of chick chat.

It just chicks chatting ladies.

It's a very interesting one. I think at its nature it is a gift, right, So if you make that decision to put your heart on the line and propose and give the person a ring. You've given them the ring, I think she's completely entitled to keep it, even though that might be a moral stretch, but I think she has every right to keep it.

Yeah, all right, I've got a story for you.

So a friend of mine she proposed to another woman and it was all fine, blah blah blah. Anyway, they broke up, so she got given the ring back. This woman said, I don't want a reminder of you, So here's the ring back.

I don't want it.

No.

She then has gone on and met another partner. Cool, they're together, whatever, but they've got two best friends who they as well were you know, She's like, oh, I can't find a ring that I like to give to so and so blah blah blah.

Yeah, so my.

Friend sold because she just wants to get rid of this ring. She sold that engagement ring to her. Their best friends, who then went on on used it to propose.

They all know each other each other on.

So she just wanted to get rid of her I reckon. She spent six or seven thousand. In the end, she sold it to her friend for like fifteen hundred, cause she's like, I just don't want the ring here anymore. I mean a new relationship with had a baby, like I just needs to move on.

So there's definitely something in that. Can jewelry be cursed?

No? No, okay.

So for example, I've still got my wedding ring from my first marriage and it's in a jewelry box, and I'm thinking of regifting it to my daughter because that's her dad. So I thought that would be a nice thing to do. But is that a nice I don't know.

Well, because it didn't work out, you kept the ring, yeah?

Yeah?

Did you keep the engagement him as well?

Yeah? All of it? Hey, they're all diamonds mate. Yeah.

My mum kept her engagement ring from her first marriage and for my birthday gifted it to me.

That would Did you like it?

Yes?

I love it. I love it.

I think it's holding onto a memory a little bit like keeping memory boxes. But I think you have every right to keep that ring.

It what you will.

Yeah, I don't know.

I just.

Is there something tainted about it? Is the question that to me? Yes, a little yeah. Thirteen twenty four ten.

Do you give the ring back you got engaged, everything was happy, the world was a beautiful place, and now it's over and romance is dead.

Dead and gone.

Good morning, Jenna, Good morning. Okay, thoughts on this one.

So it's a pretty of a different situation obviously, because my family, you know, my parents were together a long time. They had me and my brother and you know that type of thing. But my dad actually was unfaithful to my mom after they got engaged, and so she told him she didn't want to marry him anymore, but they stayed together. Well, she made him by her a second engagement ring because the first one was painted, and so when they finally did split about thirty years later, she

But you know, don't you think there's something in there? If something bad happens with jewelry, Jewelry can be tainted, can't it.

Well, you know, you don't only have to keep the item as it was, you know, he canidental pair of earrings or nice next place and make it a news story.

Yeah, yeah, that's very It's.

Tough to be half the day of an engagement ring, you know, because yeah, it could be came into something nice, you know, a bit more of a positive you know, you could have a loving relationship with that one stage.

Now.

Yeah, so the collective value of those two rings, what do you think it was?

Oh?

Well, it was a long time ago, but yeah, you'd be looking upwards of maybe ten or fifteen thousands they were there. Well, because the second one, the second one was a I'm really really sorry for what I did previously.

Okay, thank you so much, Jenna stay sife, good.

Morning, good morning.

Do you give the ring back?

No?

He basically decided that he was going to leave after six years together we were married, and I said to him, I was like, look, if you really want to leave, I can't get these off, so you're going to have to cut them. So he went straight to the stead, got fires cut them off. Oh yeah, So I put them in my jewelry box and a few months later sold them and brought myself a ruby ring to stay like, I'm okay on my own.

So the new ring was it like a sort of reincarnation of the old ring.

Definitely not right? Okay no, but I also so these rings were the wedding band I actually paid for myself out of my own birthday money. The engagement ring was being paid off with surgergies, so we were both paying for it anyway. So I was like, well, there mine.

Can I just say I'm glad this relationships over? Oh me too?

Wow?

You had to buy your own wedding ring?

Yeah, goodness gracious, Yeah that is well.

So my birthday was only like a few days before our a few weeks before our weddings. Yeah, and I still didn't have the wedding ring. So all the money that I got from family and friends my birthday I spent on the bend.

Wow onto your morals, doesn't it?

Yeah?

Sure does I have none.

Number one show on over nine one nine is Ricky Latim and Joel and one of the stars of that show joins us.

Now we can see him on our stream. So excited Joel crazegremorews.

Well, well, start my working, start my working year. Yeah, four PM's a while off, but very excited about Taylor and Tokyo.

Yeah, you guys are in seeing the winner? How good? I know?

I get so we get so nervous doing it that Ricky and I often just palm it over to Tim because we don't want anything to go wrong. And also what a prize. My phone has never lit up more with friends asking me for tickets, and I'm like, I cannot help. Everybody wants tickets. I cannot help. I'm so sorry. Yeah,

Find that people say to you, Hey, Joel, are you going to teller Swift when she comes to Australia, Because I'm like, everyone assumes because we work at Nova that we've got tickets.

We don't have tickets. These tickets are so hot that none of us have got them.

I know I am going I'm going to signy. Oh. I'm going with Tim and Ricky though, so it's not like it's not like I'm taking a bunch of of of mcgaze. I'm going with I'm going with the team. So I say it, well, Ricky Lee's a gay man, so yeah, we'll have a good time. We'll have a few wines and shake it off.

A Joe Will been speaking out this one morning. But you are a genuine double threat, not just the radio start, but of course one of the best comedians in this country. Boom. The Joel Creasy twenty twenty four Australian tour kicks off at the Fringe Festival the Garden of Unearthly Delights eleventh to the sixteenth of March. We can't wait for you to get here.

I know you get it first.

Adelaide always gets it first, and it's my first stand up tour in two years. But what's fun for the Adelaide audiences is you kind of get.

The really really dirty or naughty.

Stuff because that's like by the end of that week, that's where my lawyers come in and go to heah, you can't say that about that person, and you can't say that about that person, and so you really do get the juice in Adelaide. And also the fringe is like the best thing ever, particularly the chicken nugget food truck in the garden.

I wow, you didn't know about it.

So good chicken nugget food truck. I'll take you, babe. It's amazing. Every night after my show, I have chicken nuggets and chips. That's why I look like so great.

The fringe is absolutely incredible. It's a very hard thing to describe to people that haven't come here. What's the one thing that strikes you about Adelaide when you come to the fringe?

Just how hectic it is and how many people. How many burlesque performers there are in the world. There are so many burlesque cabaret performers or you can't quite put your finger on what they do. Whereas my show, it's very like I always say at my show, because you know, like a lot of comics these days get very political and stuff. I couldn't be further from that. I always say to my audience, sit back, relax, have a drink. I don't do any crowd work. I'm like a snake.

And that's fun, but also like a snake spook me and I'll bite you to death.

Oh look, I am used, Like I mean, I've been doing it for so long. I don't mind. No, actually I'm not going to say that.

I don't.

I can deal with a heck club, but don't come and heckle me because I'm a storyteller. So you know, I've gotten to the point where now if you're heck on me, I'll just walk off. I'm like whatever, I'm done for the night, Joe.

I think for a lot of people, getting on stage and telling jokes and having a full flat is like their worst nightmare in the world.

Do you genuinely love it?

Is there?

Do you get like a real buzz? I love it.

I'm not someone that loves watching stand up like I do have like a lot of my favorite comedians, But I'm not someone that sits at home and watches every stand up comic come through on streaming. But once I'm out there doing it myself, there is there is nothing like it. And also there's nothing like a joke falling flat to really kind of keep you on your toes because that is brutal.

Yeah, I mean I could be wrong here, but do you like at tension?

Well here's the thing, right, I love it for that hour or whatever I'm on stage, but then the second I'm off stage, I cannot leave the venue faster because people always want to come up and meet me after, and I'm like, no, no, I've just put together what I think is the best hour of me. I don't want you to meet me after because disappointed exactly, And I'm probably gonna have a chicken nugget in my mouth.

Chicken nuggets are mate. We appreciate your time this morning. Livenation dot com, dot you, that's where you get tickets once again. Let the six March Laid Fringe Vestival, the Garden of Unearthy Lights. Of course, Ricky lead Tim and Joel back to safternoon from four. We can't wait, Yes, come along.

And also the great thing in Adelaide is sometimes Ricky and Tim come to the show and they are don't sit near them, They're very I don't want to drink no.

And also, just to be fair, you're on it for this afternoon, don't mess it up because we need people to stick around for the morning, So we.

Are going to be on fire. I've spent the last two months just sort of banking insults for those two so I am ready to fight.

Love that for you.

Thank you, mate, appreciate to thanks legend. We're going back in time on this Daisy in time Monday, sexy, beautiful, stunning Monday. Let's approach Monday with a bit of positivity. Why not get through?

Yeah, I mean we've always said this, just don't be Debbie down on a Monday. No might.

Ha's got an awful reputation. It doesn't need that.

No, it doesn't. You should be fresh. You should crack into the week with a grin on your face.

Oh shut up, sorry, sorry, old habits, old habits for on Monday.

It's okay.

Twenty second of January. Let's take a little trip down memory lane. Nineteen sixty five, Rolling Stones commenced their first tour of Australia. How good in particular was Mick Jagger?

What year was it?

Nineteen sixty five?

Well, so they've been touring for what Let me do the mess on that twenty three sixty five.

It's about thirty eight years yeah, it was.

It was a good concert.

Is that right?

Why shy? It's Monday, right, positive vibe Monday?

Okay, all right, what did I just say? I said, don't be an hole on a Monday.

Oh you're offending Monday.

Come on, be more for here we are once again.

All right, okay, sorry, I take that back. How about that too. Late teen eighty two, Ozzy Osborne was hospitalized and treated for rabies after he bit the head off of that that he thought was a rubber prop that was tossed on stage by a fan overseas.

I just thought it was a rubber bat, and I just picked what I brought it in my mat cone stone.

I just into it.

Oh no, it's really enough to the biggest carriers of brabies in the world.

Yeah, that happened to me.

What you bit the head off a bat?

No?

No, but sometimes I like to nibble on your arm a little bit and just go nom nom nom nom numb And next minute the doctor I said, I had brabies.

Oh yeah, absolutely, you get much worse from me.

That's on YouTube babies.

All sorts of little bucks little bugs float around this system. So what give you that's it? Don't bite me? Stop biting into I try. Twenty twenty, Shane Warren's bagg of green cricket cat fetched one million, seven five hundred dollars at auction. Whoa serious corn?

That is unbelievable, wasn't it?

And then Dave Warner was like, oh my bag, he's been stolen. Like, Dave, you're actually wearing it? Oh yeah, sorry.

That is the equivalent of walking around your sunglasses on your head going does anyone seen my glasses?

Jesus Christ, where are they?

Yeah, I've got a may to? Who was like he genuinely called the police. I was like, I've had my cast on, and then genuinely forgot that he parked at like three streets away. Oh no, eventually located felt a little bit silly one jan at twenty two. In two thousand and two, Bye Bye Bye by encing and Justin Timberlake had that red ridiculous hit.

And that's when there were little puppets on a string. Remember the film was that it Bye bye, let's just run with it. God, can you work with me today?

I'm saying, I just assume I'm learning from here.

It's Monday.

What this is about? Shut up