Ep 47: Neurotic 911

So far away Doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore? Hi, everybody. Welcome back to Chillin' Off. As you can see, Jen Murphy's far away. All right, Paul, I guess that's enough before we get hit with the copyright. And we lost all of our monetization. Oh, crap. I know. I hope all those listeners in Finland and Vietnam don't report us.

I mean, really, we're just here's the deal. I'm Christina Walkinshaw, one of your hosts of Gyllenhaal, and not with me right now, and hopefully she's not too far away, is Jen Murphy right now. She's just a chair. But I feel like the chair is going to come to life real soon, right? She's going to be here. She's going to be here soon, you guys. It's going to be okay. She's running a little behind. But guess what? I still have Paul to talk to. I'm not too alone. Right, Paul? Yeah.

Well, I have lots to discuss, you guys. It's been a whirlwind. It's been a whirlwind, Paul. I've gone through a lot. Now, let's start here. So as we know, last week, after I went home... I did send you videos of me singing to Kelly Clarkson. Yes. Seems like I stayed up pretty late by myself drinking wine alone. And those videos came in at like 3 a.m. Oh, yeah. I mean, that's what happens when I don't start.

Start drinking till midnight. Then I like, I'm like peaking at three and I'm like super excited. Oh my God. So there's so much stuff that I feel like Jen is going to be on this episode, by the way. She's going to come in midway through. Then we'll crack our beers. Then we'll celebrate. And there's so much I want to talk about. But of course, I don't.

like i don't want to blow it all now because i want jen to hear this stuff too so um so yeah you could just like stare at me for i don't know 20 minutes until she gets here if you're watching on youtube what do you think i just got my nails done

I was getting my nails done in Koreatown so hard. I went to six places and they're all like appointment only. Yeah. Because it's Vietnamese, isn't it? I don't know. Nail places are Vietnamese. I thought they were Korean. But now I guess I've obviously. I've profiled the whole neighborhood wrong and I was incorrect and I learned a lesson. So here's stuff that I feel like Jen already knows. So do you remember which guy was this? Oh, he had a house guy.

The which one? The he had a house. Do you remember that guy? I think so. So anyways, he messaged me again before I went on my last cruise. Oh, really? Yeah, I have this theory that Geminis don't go away. Are you part Gemini? Yeah. You're on the cusp, right? I'm on the cusp. Yeah, I feel like the Geminis in my life, they always come back. Really? Yeah. That's not like the cargo shorts guy.

which was oh no the guy who left his pants in my house no that's a different dude that's a 25 year old oh okay Yeah. Yeah. So I called and then I was like, I feel like when somebody calls you, it's like they're not calls, texts. It's like they're weird, like subtle way being like, hey, I have no plans tonight. If somebody texts you like three or four in the afternoon.

Like, what are you doing tonight? Yeah, but it's never like, what are we doing right now? Or it's like, hey, I haven't heard from you in a long time. Or what's up? Are you in town? So I was like, oh. And then I was like, is this your sly way of wanting to take me out for nachos for my birthday?

And he's like, I'll take you out for nachos for your birthday. And then guess what? I got free nachos. Yeah. I just had to go out with a dude that I had gone on two dates with before. And then I've not dated since. But you know what?

Why not make a third date a friend date? And isn't it funny? Because didn't you just get back together with your ex-girlfriend? No. uh-oh what happened because i was like this would have proven my theory about how like oh gemini has always come back always come back no she came back to me no we're just dating kind of we're not back together it's non-exclusive we're still single non-exclusive

Yeah, we set the boundaries for sure. Oh, that's slick. That's good. I did. So anyways, I spent my birthday alone in Miami. And I got to tell you, Miami is not my favorite city. New Orleans was like my... I love New Orleans. Miami was like... I was just struggling to find anywhere where I felt like I was comfortable. You know, like I went to this that shows Crap Shack or whatever everybody told me to go to, but it was like so packed that...

If I can't sit at the bar, I don't want to sit at a table by myself. Yeah, that's weird. I thought I heard a high-pitched laugh coming from outside, so I assumed Jen was here. Jen's streaking down the street right now. She'll be back in a little bit.

But anyways, the one neighborhood that I actually did feel like I was having a good time in was Wynwood, which is like this arts district of Miami. I found... concrete beach brewery, which I'm now obsessed with. But I had this conversation at the bar, and I only bring it up because you just said non-exclusive. But I met a guy who was like, he's like, well, I have a girlfriend, but we're poly.

And I was like, oh, are you? I was like, I explored that avenue a few years ago with a boyfriend. How's it going for you? And he goes, oh, it's good. But like, my girlfriend doesn't come with the other guys. So it's okay.

Jesus. I know. That's pretty damn aggressive. I know. And I was like, actually, if you really understood compersion, you would actually... want your girlfriend to have pleasure with other people like why it's a bigger waste of time if she's not having pleasure with these other people yeah it's also probably a lie

yeah she's not gonna go over here and be like yeah guess who i guess who made me 37 times in a night she's not gonna be like oh my god i fucked this guy last night it was like so much better than you yeah you kind of have to keep it secret i mean like me and uh

I don't want to say my girl, but the girl that I'm dating. We had the talk that was like, you can hook up with whoever you want, but just don't tell me. That was from her telling me. She's like, I don't want to know who it is. Just whatever. Have your fun.

I mean, I can understand doing it that way. But when I did the open thing, I was like, nope, if I'm going to do this, I'm going to full blown do this. Give me all the details, everything. Did you go down on her? You better have gone down on her because if not, I don't like you. Good men go down on women. What if he went down on her but not on you?

oh that would be the worst that would that would hurt but luckily everything was always fine i was getting everything that she was getting okay um so it was it was fair it was uh socialist dating it was socialist dating it was yeah the same across the board for everyone there you go

Well, I feel like I'm already getting hot in here. I don't know why. I thought, hey, maybe I'll look better on YouTube if I have my jacket on, which I probably did. But too late now. And plus I have visible bra straps. That's one of the dress codes on the ship, say. No visible bra straps. And so now whenever I have visible draw straps, bra straps, I'm sober. I have not had anything to drink, you guys. Bra straps. Bra straps. Bra straps.

Oh my God. So if I can babble some more to save all the good stuff for the end of this episode, wouldn't that be funny? Like she just never made it. And then the whole episode, I was like, no guys, the end of this episode is going to be really fucking powerful. And then you made it to the end and I was like, well, that's it.

She never made it, so you have to wait until next week, which is really like a month from now because I'm going on the road forever. Fuck, now I forgot what I was going to say. I must have written it down. Bra straps. Bra straps.

cruise what what else i made a little oh yeah okay so on my yesterday i flew from montreal to Philly and then Philly to LA. And on my plane from Philly to LA, and we're going to talk about why I was in Montreal. Also, I'm going to say this. I did not put anything on social media that I was in Montreal because I didn't want people asking me like a million questions.

like how the fuck did you end up in montreal after you left or wherever i left uh miami wrong bus i got on the wrong bus i got on the wrong bus but i'm like this is this this montreal this is a special story only for people that listen to this podcast because I did not put it on social media because I was like, if I post one thing that I'm in Montreal, like 20 people are going to write me and be like, why are you in Montreal right now? And I didn't want all those questions flying my direction.

So if you looked really, really hard, I did post an Instagram story two nights ago of me with like a perfect pint of Guinness and like... one of my favorite bars in the world, which I did tag on the Instagram story, but I shrunk the letters so small that probably nobody looked at it. And even if you saw Hurley's Irish Pub, you might be like...

Oh, there's probably a Hurley's Irish pub in Miami. So you wouldn't have thought it was suspect. But if you looked really close. Yeah, Miami, known for their Irish pubs. Oh, my God. See, that's what I needed in Miami was an Irish pub. Oh, my God. I just went to like a fancy restaurant beside...

The restaurant that was busy, which, you know, those restaurants are probably just open right beside that restaurant to get their default, like the leftover traffic. I kind of went to a place like that. Although my food was good. I just like had a really cranky bartender and I couldn't break him. I feel like usually I can break.

a cranky bartender I'm like even if you're cranky you can tell me your woes like I bartended for a long time I'll feel you you know I get it you know I get and I see little tricks like you wanna I was at one of the bars and I saw like you know a bartender had like put drinks out for a server but the server didn't get them fast

enough so when the server did come over he had to like grab a straw and then like stir the head up that way the head went back up to the rim of the glass I don't know what's that that's a dirty bartending trick but I recognized it And yeah, anyways, but yeah, in Miami, I was just, I was struggling. But anyway, so you won't know about the Montreal thing until you hear the story, which I will tell you all once Jen gets in, because it was a debacle. But...

On the plane ride from Philly to LA, I watched three movies. And do you ever do this on a plane? Do you ever start a movie, but you've started the same movie as the person beside you, but the person beside you like started the movie 10 minutes earlier. So you just keep accidentally like, like, peering over at her screen. And you're like, it's like, every time you do it, it's a spoiler alert. You're like, oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Now she's with the cops. Oh.

You guys and the episodes over. Thank you guys for listening. She's so beside me. Yeah. Give me a hug. Thank you. Don't worry. I wasn't telling a very exciting story right now. This was just the boring story about how I watched Hustlers, which, by the way, I probably shouldn't have watched on the plane anyways. I thought you said I watched Hustlers. Hustlers. Oh, wait. It doesn't matter. This is what we opened up when you weren't here. It's just me sitting sad like this on the podcast. Me too.

Let me start the podcast. I'm just looking at your chair to the song. But guess what? Being close to you. Jen's not far away. Carol King? But I'm here now. Oh, guess what that means. That means, hold a second. Hold, please. Okay, one. Okay, now we're ready. Oh, God. Okay. Bye, Christina. I could have got it.

Wow, what did I miss? Hi, Jen Murphy. Hi, how's it going? Good, good. How about yourself? Oh, fabulous. I just spent the whole day with one of your comedy pop-up colleagues. Who? Alex Kahn. Oh. We're both working at Universal Studios. Oh, with Cooch. Oh, yeah, you were doing that job. Yeah. Cooch, cooch. Hence the pin. I kept it on. Oh, my God, how funny. This is Far, Far Away, and we opened the show with You're So Far Away. Well, what's really sad about this pin is that...

So I won't describe my whole job because it's boring, but basically I'm standing alone at Universal Studios waiting for these corporate people to come. Whatever. I won't describe. I'm alone by myself just standing. And this guy walks up to me that works at Universal Studios and he goes, you look like you need a pin. He doesn't know I'm working. He just saw me standing on by myself for a long period of time.

And you know what? Nothing makes me feel less alone than a pin. I was like, I must look special today. Aww. Thank you. That is who we sponsored by. You know what's so funny? This is Sudwork again. Sudwork Brewery. Thank you so much. They have given me so many beers, so we have to drink these. But they're good because they're still...

quite light in alcohol content, 5%. Although I just re-listened to our episode about you puking, Paul, and then I was like, this better be filtered. Wow, yours really spooged, didn't it? Oops. It has been on my purse for a few hours. Ours didn't spooge. It only spooge. Only yours spooched, Paul. Oh, no. Cheers. Cheers. But I hope that this is filtered and not unfiltered because, you know, Paul had the body explosion with your unfiltered sake a few weeks ago. Oh, but that was sake.

I know. This is American made. This is Davis, California brewed. Sudwerk. Oh, it's so delicious. This is our emergency podcast. We were supposed to podcast yesterday, but...

Okay, so let's start with... Christina had to get lucky. I mean, at first I had to get super unlucky in order to get lucky. Okay, so whatever. Because I'm Canadian, I have an 01. Like, I have a proper visa to be in America. But the ships don't know how to... They don't understand it. They just see a foreign passport and there's so many foreign workers on the ships that I get lumped in as non-American. I kind of understood that, yeah. So...

Like a few times they've moved me to a passenger list and I've just got off the ship that way. But I guess technically their rule is once you're on a passenger list, you're not supposed to work anymore.

And I'm like, am I ever really working? I'm just like doing so many shifts and this never happened. I've done a bunch of them. But on the joy, we were always on a passenger list when we're going up to Canada. And then one time I got off in Guatemala, but there's still been three times where I've been moved to passenger list.

and it's been fine but this was the one ship where they were like oh this is a brand new ship too so they're probably really playing by the rules anyways so I'm like fine if you have to fly me home fly me home But like, I guess just fly me to Vancouver because I'm from Vancouver and I get my dad to come pick me up as confused as he's going to be. But then I'll just buy, it'll be cheaper and easier to fly from Vancouver to LA. And then a day later, my Tom, my manager, Kirstie, who I...

fucking love. She's like, we can't fly you to Vancouver. You have to be on a direct flight back to Canada. And the only place you can go is Montreal. So your managers have to buy you a flight to Canada? Well, yeah, Norwegian pays for that flight. I don't pay for it. But you already had a flight to California. That's what I'm saying. If the cruise ship says you have to go to Canada, then they have to buy you a whole new flight. They make those... I know because one time...

I asked Stephanie for a flight to Burbank, and then she didn't really want to book it because she was like, oh, this one's non-refundable, but they buy exchangeable tickets. Oh, gotcha. So I guess they purposely do that in case of things like this. I guess this is not the first time this has happened, by the way. This is the first time it's happened to me. So then I'm like, you know what? When Chrissy's like, you have to go to Montreal. And I'm like...

Even better. Yeah, it sounded pretty sweet. Because I haven't been in Montreal in like four years. I'm like, well, I'm just going to go with it. And then everybody said the same thing. Everybody was like, watch, you're going to go to Montreal and you're going to like fall in love or you're going to meet someone in this one random night in Montreal that wasn't.

I think that was one of the first things I text you. I know. You texted it to me. And then Kirstie said the same thing. I remember when I bought the UTI medication in Mexico a few weeks ago. It was like, I'm like, I'm ready universe. Put something in my vagina. I'm ready. So get to Montreal. Get to Montreal.

Boom. If you buy it, they will come. Exactly. Of course, it's fucking snowing and I'm not prepared for this weather. So the warmest thing I had was my gym shoes and a hoodie. So, I mean, that was... crazy but i got a super cheap hotel and i could have used my hotels.com points but my points are worth more money than the hotels i was buying so i just bought the hotels for like there was like 60 bucks a night and i purposely got the hotel that was like two blocks away from my favorite

Irish pub. Oh, nice. Hurley's. So I'm like, so the night I get in, I'm like, is there anything? Because I got in at like midnight and I was wired. I love the name of an Irish pub. It's hurl. Hurl. Hurl. Hurlies. Hurls. Oh, I've had a lot of magical moments in that pub. I feel like some Irish people would be like, I got the hurlies. i know that was a good accent oh so irish murphy so i get in and i then i ask the concierge if you can call them that at best western plus but um

And I was like, is there bars? And I forgot, bars in Montreal stay open until 3. And then he's like, he told me this one. I was like, but what about Hurley's? Is Hurley's open? He goes, no, but this one's open. And I was like, oh, I'm just going to go to bed. I should probably go to bed anyways, just like save myself for tomorrow. So then I get up to like the next day and I, I actually spent two nights there.

Yeah, because I got in really late. Oh, yeah, because she's like, you have to spend 24 hours and re-enter the States on your visa. Gotcha. So I'm like, okay, so great. I'm going to be in Montreal for two nights. But first night, I didn't do anything. I just went to bed. Second day I did shopping, went to like cute cafes, just like drink Americanos and row. And I actually was like, this is so nice. And then home nap.

you know, refreshed. And then I'm like, okay, I'm going to go to Hurley's for a pint of Guinness and then I'm going to take myself to the keg for dinner. The keg is like my favorite steakhouse.

So anyways, get to Hurley's immediately. I'm like, oh, this bar is the best. Like you could just sit at the bar there. Everybody talks to everybody. The bartender is always super cool. Like you would love it. I know we would have the best time. And there has been days where I just go to Hurley's and I think I'm going there for like... Oh, we'll just go and get brunch there. Then we'll go somewhere else. And then I end up at Hurley's forever. It's just so fun.

Anyways, so I don't know. Then, of course, it was open mic night. It was comedy. Oh, geez. And I was like, do you want to do comedy? And I was like, fuck no. You're like, I just did 27 shows. I know. I'm like, I've literally done 39 shows in the last month. I'm like, I'm good.

And, you know, but I talked to everybody. I'm like, so how long have you been doing comedy for? And they're like, this is my fourth time on stage. And I was like, I know. I really did. I had nostalgia. I was like, oh, my God. I used to once upon a time. I used to.

say that too i'd be like oh my god this is my fourth time going on stage new comic i know and i actually was like i'm really charmed i was like oh i remember and i could hear them all eavesdropping at like a table close by and like talking about their jokes and like and i was just like no you guys are cute and i like i chatted with some of them and stuff but like i just i did a lot of writing and i was kind of working too were they working on their first album

I mean, obviously. They're Netflix submission. They've done comedy 12 times working on my new hour. I mean, working on my first hour. My new hour.

so like every time i was like oh this will be my last drink then like new people oh yeah so then i'm sitting there and i was writing in my diary so like i literally have this on paper like i have evidence that i wrote this and i showed the guy um But this guy walks in. I can tell he's, like, a manager. And he just, like, walks in the room. Her lease has, like, so many different rooms. It's, like, a... It's really cute.

He's a manager of Hurley's or just a manager in general? The manager of the bar. I didn't know if he just had a suit on. You're like, that guy manages something. It looks like he manages P.F. Chang's. I shouldn't give away so many details. Anyways, not that anybody, I mean, if the people in Finland are going to report us for Carole King, I mean, then this episode's toast anyways, and Hurley's manager won't hear it.

Yeah, even though every time I fuck somebody, I'm like, I think we just got a new subscriber. Let's hope so. Let's hope you're listening. Nobody I've had sex with has. Oh, shit. Oh, no. Paul, do you at least make the girls that you fuck subscribe to our podcast? No, I'm like, can you subscribe to Cover to Cover by Chris Rangiola? Oh, rude. Tina, Paul is in a relationship now.

Not really. Oh, I know. I already brought this up. Apparently, they're non-exclusive. All right. It's a non-relationship. Yeah. That's why you're wearing that gold chain around your... Oh, silver chain. Sorry. Silver chain. Gold glasses, silver chain. Yeah, I don't know. I was questioning it myself. I actually want to get that style of glasses. It's pretty nice. I tried on some the other day and I was like, are these actually looking at me?

Anyways, so this guy walks in the room and I'm like, oh my God, I know that guy. Like, I've definitely either seen him or interacted with him in the past or every time I come to Montreal. So he came over to talk to the guy beside me. And then I'm like, just look at him. I'm like, I feel like we've met before. I don't remember your name, but like. Oh, good pickup line. But it was true.

I was like for sure either he served me at one point in my life like I've been going to that bar for like maybe like 11 years anytime I'm in Montreal so well I guess if he works there you may have seen him before I know He's been there for 25 years. You look so familiar. I know. Do you work here? Remember last time you were in here and you sat in vomit? I did re-listen to that today. Oh, wow. That's gross. Thank God. Yeah.

Anyways, oh God. Anyways, we'll get to the... Oh my God, what if he goes down the social media rabbit hole on me? But anyways, that's the thing is... When I was a bartender, it wasn't a pet peeve, I'd say. I'd just say something that kind of stung a little bit was when somebody would come back into my bar that was like a tourist years ago, comes back in my bar years later and looks at me behind the bar and goes, oh.

You're still here. That always burns like a motherfucker. So I didn't want to be like, you're still here. But I did. I was like, I feel like we've interacted or, you know, I'm like, I don't remember, like, I'm a comedian. I come here for just for laughs or been here like. before debaters tapings and anyways and he's like oh yeah like you know ian campbell and i was like yeah yeah the guy used to work the comedy works and so anyways we definitely like figured out our mutual friends really fast

and then we're chatting whatever then he got off work he's like you're not going anywhere are you and i was like no i'm happy i'm hanging out and then uh yeah he got me a beer and and then like i was chatting with some other people i also was kind of getting flirted by uh floated

hit on. Why can't I just say hit on? They were probably hitting on me, but I feel awkward saying that term. So I'm like, oh, these guys are flirting on me. I don't know. I like flirted by. Flirted by. Flirted by Aussie number one and Aussie number two.

but then they were starting to get a little shady like they were starting to offer me below and I don't even know why I asked this question because it's not like I know anything about below but I was like oh is it like I don't know I shouldn't I have to go to the airport tomorrow like I was like is it smooth

I was like, why did I ask that? He's like, yeah, it's super smooth. I don't even know what that would mean. Don't do any cocaine. I know, I haven't done cocaine in years. Not because you shouldn't do cocaine, but they're saying that now so much of it is shady. It's shady. It's like there's lots of fentanyl in Canada. But anyways, I did ask him if it was smooth.

and I immediately go and look at his legs and they're just like they're just like this and like he was going into seizures right there in front of you oh yeah like he no it's really good shit I swear it's really good shit

That's really good. That's really good. I always chew on my tongue. Plus, on top of that, he asked me if I wanted to do cocaine in the bathroom. I'm not lying, probably nine times. So I'm like, you're so high, you don't even remember that I've already told you no nine times.

And the answer is still no. I was like, tell you what, you stop asking me and I'll let you know. Like, do you know what I mean? But even though I'm not going to fucking do cocaine. But anyways. Plus, so the way that your butt works, I can't imagine what would happen to you on cocaine. On the bad cocaine. Yeah, that makes this like... My plan is to interrupt you so many times that this story doesn't end until the podcast is over. Well, this story is going to go to the...

This story's going right to neurotic land as every time you fuck a guy goes to neurotic land, this time I'm taking it to neurotic land. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. Okay. Already? a little yes okay well we'll see okay wait wait for the story wait for it okay so so anyways so then we start chatting everything's good but there's there's a lot of people around now

And then, but I didn't want him to go. Like, and he changed, he got into a different sweater and he looked even better. Just like, oh my God, you're just like getting hotter and hotter by the minute. Even though I was already writing in my diary, like, I think I had a crush on this man once upon a time. Like, I know we've interacted and immediately it was like a spark.

when I saw him I was like okay so we're chatting whatever and then finally he goes do you want to go somewhere else and I go yes so then I'm like perfect boom kind of goes the Australians And now that we go around the corner to this other bar. What kind of music do they play when people fall in love in the movies? Keep talking. Well, now we can cue the Carole King again. I can't stand it When you look at me That way I feel the earth move

Wait, now it sounds like this is a song for the guy on coke. I was going to say that to you. We think alike. Oh, cocaine. Oh, wait. Was there a... Okay, keep going. Oh, yeah. I was jumping ahead. I was jumping. Oh, my God. Yeah. So anyway, so we walk around the corner to this other bar. And then like, I'm not gonna lie. Like I was. I don't know where this confidence came from because usually I'm a little shyer than this. So I had a second bed in my hotel room.

Because he's like, I have my car here. And I was like, you should just leave your car. I'll have a drink or whatever. I was like, I have an extra room in my hotel room. You could totally stay over. An extra room? An extra room? I mean, an extra bed. I mean, an extra sheet.

Oops, I mean it's extra bad. Why does my brain work like this? It's because I'm the product of a teen mom. Okay. You have to actually witness Christina in front of somebody she's attracted to because it shocked the hell out of me too. She literally stutters.

Really? A lot. Yeah, I do. It's not the normal Christina. I've only seen it once or twice. Yeah, I know it's not very often, but I do get awkward. We all do. I was drunk enough to be at least a little bit forward because I was like, oh, I want to keep on hanging out with this guy.

It's okay that you do. Yeah. And then I went to the bathroom. And then in the time I was in the bathroom, we were only halfway done those beers. He's like, do you want to just go now? And I was like, yeah. Are you serious? It was that fast? Yeah. But I'd spent hours at Hurley. We didn't leave Hurley's until like... 1 a.m. And I got to Hurley's at probably 6. Oh, okay. Like I ate nachos. By the way, shout out to all the bars in the world with half orders of nachos.

Because, like, I can't eat a full plate of nachos by myself. And I was being a nacho snob, and I was like, oh, God, it's going to be lame because Canada doesn't put as much cheese on their nachos. But you know what? The quality of cheese in Canada is better, and those nachos were goddamn delicious. Oh, good.

and they were great um so i was being a nacho snob for no reason anyway so back to the hotel room and then you know of course a little awkward magoo and then he's on his bed and i'm on my bed and then he's like he really did lay on the other one for a bit well he just sat there and he's like so should i come over and kiss you know i was like oh yeah like i would think if he was going to be as forward to be like should we go now that he would probably

Be kissing him in the elevator. Oh, wait, it was Best Western. Staircase? Did you have an elevator? How'd you get to your room? You guys had an I Love Lucy hookup. Back door? Was there a key card or old school just key to get in the room? I just got one of those when I was in Reno last and I was like, oh my God, there's hotels that still have real keys.

It's easier to work, though. It is a shocker. So, yes. So, anyways, we obviously do all of the things and everything is great. I'm sorry. We use the Aries, too, by the way.

You can't just say all of the things. I mean, we had sex, obviously. But it was great. It was great. Everything was so nice. And then the next morning, you know, we do it again or whatever. And then we both shower. We kind of like hop into bed for a bit just to hang out. We're like fully dressed. And then he wants to like look me up.

YouTube and I'm like no no I hate watching myself I can't and I was like then I pointed out which clips he could watch like on his own time and you made him a list like a playlist no I just like pointed because he already had me open on his phone let me exchange numbers or whatever and then like by the time I got to the airport he had already texted me and he was like he just like was

babbling about one of the drunk guys from the night before who was by me shots he was like oh my god that guy's back and he's looking for his hoodie and his glasses and his credit card like people get pretty drunk at that bar it's really but is this the first time in a long time that you've had sex and not had to take off either pantyhose or some type of...

Yes, you're right. I didn't have a period and I didn't have pantyhose on. So like all the stars were aligned with me. I feel like they were. They really were because I was not meant to be in Montreal. That was the smoothest story of sex that I've ever heard. It was. where I get to be neurotic. Oh. You didn't pull a gen and say, why don't you like me, did you? No, but we're on the verge of that, okay? Okay.

Maybe this is your doctor. I've been so good. This could be my doctor. Going on three months. So whatever. So we're texting. I'm like through security at the airport yesterday and texting. And then... I was like, oh man, that sucks for him or whatever, you know, for the other guy. And he's like, oh, I was just watching your blog right now. And then I was like watching your blog. So I'm like, I'm assuming he's watching this, right? Because this is the only...

oh yeah it has to be this right because I have the link on my Instagram and I don't have like you could read a blog but you wouldn't watch a blog that is such a confusing statement yeah and I haven't blogged in a long time so I'd be like well call this a blog I know, but he said he's watching. So I feel like... And I haven't blogged. Even my Tumblr, if you go to my Tumblr, it's this now. Like I post this there. So this would be the first thing that pops up. So then...

Then I start neurotically writing back, no, I think I make an idiot of myself. I was like, I think I burped too much on the podcast. You don't need to hear those. Nice. Good job. Just for the record, that was Jen. I know you guys listening don't know YouTube people. You saw it, right? It was good. Yeah, anyways. So then...

I like send them like these three messages that I wrote being like, oh my God, I have to like, this motivates me to put out some more content on the internet. Like maybe update my fucking comedy so you don't have to watch a clip of me from nine years ago wearing a Paula Poundstone jacket. You know, like, anyways. And then Jen, I never heard from him again. He never texted back. After he said he was watching? Yes!

my biggest fear it's my biggest fear it's why I'm always like let's not even go down path social media like I won't go well I thought I wouldn't go up and look up him because I was like we're already texting like we're learning about each other one on one in real life. We can real text.

But I'm like, let's not go. I won't stalk you online if you don't stalk me online. Let's just keep that like a weird, mysterious place. Is this your way of telling me that you're quitting Jill and off? You're like, and I'm done. No, no, this is the place. Hopefully he can.

keeps listening and then he hears this episode where i'm like oh no i really like that guy and now i'm scared that he went and saw my social media that's it nothing since nothing since he said he was watching my blog and that was monday that was yesterday and i landed and I texted him when I landed because when we say goodbye, he was like, text me when you land or whatever. And I was like, yeah, I will. And then I did text when I got home yesterday. It was just like...

Whatever, two flights, a sprint across an airport, three movies later, and finally home. I'm sure we're both ready to sleep the shit out of this night. Okay, but I have made a list of possibilities as to why. He did not text back. Oh my God, I love this. Okay, so his phone for sure, like in my hotel room, was at like 6%, okay?

So 6%, it probably died by the time, if he was watching stuff on his phone, down to 6%. I mean, his phone probably did die. He works like 12-hour days, too. So he was supposed to start at 9 and went in at like 11, but whatever.

So he probably worked all day, dead phone. Great. So cut to today. Oh, here's another. So, so maybe whatever, maybe it's a phone issue on his end. Then my second theory is, you know, sometimes my phone, cause it's always storage, full management setting. And then there's a pop.

bunch of texts i don't get and then randomly like a month later i'll get a whole bunch of remember sometimes there's a week lapse and i got texts from you and monica nevi and a whole bunch of people that were just like i was like oh my god i'm just getting these texts now i feel like i'm watching the pitch Mitch meeting for he's just not that easy.

Shit. No, this is hilarious. I'm kidding. It's so funny. I think it's so funny that you wrote down a list of reasons. I mean, I know. And then I also have a, I took a picture of us before he left in the morning. We were just both lying in bed, but I was like, I want a picture of like... like our weird 24 hour like meeting anyways and it's so cute I mean I look a little handicapped in it but he looks amazing

he's even like the age i want to he's like 45 and i'm like yes i'm 41 it's been so long since i dated an older man it feels so nice i feel like i feel like a girl again um yeah anyways and then oh wait

Oh, yeah. Then this is some of my more dumber theories. Well, I have one theory that I'd have to tell you off the air. I need to hear all the theories. I have another theory I'd have to tell you off the air because it's too personal and I wouldn't want that information going on the podcast. Okay. And then this is another dumb one. I feel like my nails looked really...

bad because I had a gel manicure and then towards the end of the ship it started to crack although it lasted four weeks and so then I like peeled them off but then the gels

Like they destroy my nails so much that then all my nails started breaking and they just look like short and sad. And you know, when you go to cold weather and your hands just like dry up and get crackly. And so I was like, what if like while I was blowing him, he just saw like these blank fingernails and we're like, that girl.

needs a manicure you know like so that's still not i'm not ruling that out as a possibility that's why you'd be like yeah because you know it's like some people are really into toes some guys are really into hands exactly so like maybe that um

Yeah, I can't figure it out. But you know, theory number one is, oh, and here's the other thing I fucked up. And I don't even know because he was asking me about my sex life. And I was like, I kind of told him about Maui guy. And I was like, I'm going to Maui.

tomorrow so i have this like boyfriend at maui and anytime we're both you know there if he's if we're both single we usually hook up but you know there's been years where I've been in a relationship or he's been in a relationship and there were just friends and we're good like that so you know but he's in a relationship this year so I'll go to Maui and we'll just be friends and then I told him about the 25 year old as I did just have

I've been playing with a 25-year-old. And then he's like, when's the last time you got laid? And then the first person that came into my brain was the dueling piano player. So I was like, so then all of a sudden my brain just went there. My brain went to that guy. And so I was like, what ship was that on? That was on the escape. I was like, oh, it was in March or April. I was like, March, April. And then...

I just left it there. But then I realized, no, I slept with a 25-year-old in July on the ship. And then he came back to, like, you know, whatever, and came to my house like... That was October. I looked it up. Well, depending how many blogs he watched, he might think you're a liar. He's like, what a liar. What if the first thing he opened was Bareback Mountain?

Like, oh my God, I'm such an idiot. But the most recent episode we posted, I put in the thing, I did not get, like, spoiler alert, Christina doesn't get laid on the ship. Stick it to the wall wasn't all the way last March or April, was it? It was. It was that long ago?

Stick it to the wall with April, I guess. Wow. March or end of March. I would have guessed like late August. I think I got on that ship in the end of March, but it would have finished around April. I think it finished like April 7th or something. Paul just did a quick change.

Oh, nice. I like that sweatshirt. But anyways, so for sure. But I don't even know why I said March. I would have been honest. I would have been like, oh, yeah, the July guy came back to L.A. like and then we went out one night and did it. So I could. But you. Anyways, so obviously I'm busted in a lie.

Also, I don't even know why I lied. I don't even mean to. But I also feel like the first time you sleep with somebody, they shouldn't be asking you like the last time. I don't know. I don't know. But maybe I was so pent up that it made more sense that maybe I had sex in a long time. It felt like the first time in a long time. Maybe two or three months of not having sex feels like eight months to me. It would have been that long? Well, no, it would have been since October.

But that was just the 25 year old. I think you can tell a difference after like a month. Right? That it feels like a long time. But why did I say March? I think that maybe this all comes down to the fact that we did grow up in a time where girls always wanted to see more. vanilla to guys than we really were do you know what I mean so maybe that was just maybe I was lying because I was self-conscious about you know all those sticking to the walls in my life

Like maybe, right? Why did I say March? Well, okay, I totally agree that I would do that. I would want to seem a little more... Like, I really like this guy. But you never care. You're always like... I know. I don't care. I sleep with this person. I never care. And usually anytime I'm with anybody, I'll be like, yeah, I just had a plane with this guy. Even when I went on a date with...

some guy who I only went on one date with but I didn't even make out with he's like so what made you go back on dating apps and I'm like honestly I just had a really good fling on a ship and then I kind of broke my seal again sexually and I was like I should like date again

But anyways, I don't know why I said March, and I'm sure I got busted. In my mind, I'm like, you went down the social media train, and then you're like, wow, this girl was not honest about... that and that's a pretty bad thing not to be honest about but i'm like i liked him and i felt a spark well you know just keep texting him every day

This is a perfect time to send a Jen Murphy text. I thought you liked me. I thought you liked me. It works out so well when you send that text. Oh my God. I was getting carried away. Like I was like, I definitely had that. I think we've talked about this all. on the podcast before but and you can look it up there's a real thing called oxytocin right where you can like feel feelings of love through like sex yes

Where you're like, so anyways, I was having that kind of sex where I was like, oh, I want to say I love you so much. But I know I just like, it's not you I love. I love this sex. The sex is going so great that I'm feeling sparks and like my... My back is tickling. Do you know what I mean? It's just like all those good feelings. No, it can be super powerful. Yeah. That's totally normal. Paul feels that every time he has sex. You always feel the tickle. I love you. I love you.

But it was so nice and good, and I liked him, and I feel like I've met him before, and I liked him a long time ago, and I like him now. So it was just like, I don't know. And you know how...

I always have that theory where I feel like I'm too old to get a crush. I also feel like I'm too old to like fall, fall for people. How would you be too old to get a crush? I don't know, but remember I started to feel like that last March. That's just because we don't have them as often at this age. Yes, but...

So then when it does come, you're like... I know that's when it comes, you're like, oh, what's happening? What should I say? I don't want to fuck this up. And then you lie, and that fucks it up. I feel like the whole texting thing can make you very bipolar.

I feel like sometimes you can be really like, oh, my God, I think I really like this person. And then, like, the next day, like, why am I texting this person that I never see? I know. I know. I know. That's true. That's how I feel about slow. But I did. I found the Christina best relationship scenario. What's this? Oh, long distance? Only on vacation?

Vacations only flanks. I'm really sorry about that because that sucks when somebody doesn't return your message. I really liked him too. I still like him. I still hope that it's something that maybe it's just a weird... glitch and i go i'll get a text from him and i'm like this is gonna like light me up i'm gonna like do a little like love actually dance or like you know like

Was that Laura Linney or Laura Dern? Sorry. I'm going to be like. Well, actually, that would have to be Laura Linney. That was Laura Linney. But I feel like I'm going to do a little dance if you text me again. And then I was like, hey. I was like, you should come to Maui. Take a few days off work. I got my own place. Wait, you said that? Yeah. Okay, yeah, yeah. Maybe a little too far. This is after you told him that you have a boyfriend in Maui?

Probably, yeah. Uh-oh, you got a case of the talkies when you were around this guy. I know. Oh, but I was also like, I'm going to be in Ottawa at the end of the month. Maybe I could see like around there or like, or what was another thing? Or like Toronto. I don't know. But I was like, whatever. Like, it wasn't like. Anyway, how do you feel about Zales? Christmas time. Do you want my address? Do you need to send me a present?

I don't know. I mean, but I was just like, sometimes I like to be a little, I don't know, because I like... vacation romance so much i'm like and obviously i'm always but he did say something came to la i could like stay with you i'm like 100 okay so he threw that out there too oh yeah no he threw out a lot of nice things too um

Even when I was, like, babbling about how, like, I probably should have shaved more or got a wax when he was going down on me. He's like, no, it's great. It's not bad at all. And then I was like, cool. I don't know what he's used to. But I was like, yes. I was like, awesome. I was like, I was killing it. I felt like Paul's like, gross.

I don't know why, but I did tell him. He's used to the frozen tundra of Canada. I know. He thought the girls had to stay warm. Exactly. It wasn't like, it wasn't like Kinnicky Long at that point. Anyways, but no, everything was going so good. And like, he genuinely seemed like sad, like, you know, like it was like nice goodbye, but it felt like we kind of hit it off and it was cool. And just like a random meetup. And then, yeah.

Anyways. Well, it's only been 24 hours. I know. And already I'm neurotic, which does mean I like him. Damn it. But then that's a good thing because even if nothing happens, at least I know I'm like, I'm not too old. To get these neurotic, I like you feeling. Your phone may struggle to go across country to another country. I mean, I did shut my phone off.

You know, to get on that plane and then I landed. There you go. I mean, my phone is glitchy. Every time you shut your phone off, it doesn't work. That's true. For at least a week. Did you try texting yourself? So you know what's going to happen. Did I try what? Texting yourself. texting myself well we were texting today

No, we were texting. It was fine. But it's random. What will happen now is he will text you back and then you won't respond for like five days and then he's going to be like, fuck this bitch. I know. What if he did text back and it went to that weird... You should ask him, hey, did you text me?

Hey, I was just wondering. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. I forgot this part of the story. Do you have a home phone? Can I call you? Because I think my phone's not working. Oh, my God. So, anyways, I was not going to do this. We're on a two-minute late. Okay. I was not going to do this for the record. But then I couldn't resist. because today I was kind of like I was on my computer a lot this morning and just like okay I was getting organized and then I was like

Maybe I'll just take a peek and see if he's on Instagram. So then I look up what I think is him, but he hasn't posted since 2015 or something. It's just kids. So I'm like, that's probably his kids. He has divorced. He has kids. And they're really cute, by the way. So then I looked at who he was following.

following and I could see he's like oh god now I sound like my ex-roommate this is the kind of crap she does and then I'm like I see he's following like Hurley so I'm like oh that's definitely him then and then I see he's following like a girl with the same last name as him so then I assume oh that's probably his ex-wife

And then I go to hit her page. And then it prompts me. And automatically, I'm watching one of her Instagram stories. And I'm like, oh, no. And I'm just like, shut it down. Shut it down. Because then if she doesn't have a lot of followers, she'll be like, who's this girl that's watching my stories? So then I was like, don't.

delete, delete, get out of here. But then I was like, maybe it's his sister. We don't know. And then she'll hit on your story and then she'll see that you were at Hurley's. I know. No, I think I would have deleted it. You better change your address. Definitely, I had a blank story at the time I was doing that. So she would have been like, although, yeah, and I remember I...

didn't put anything about being in Montreal on social media. Cause that I told Paul, I was like, if you want the story about me going to Montreal, you have to listen to this podcast. I did not put it on my Instagram. Cause I did not want anybody like 20 people asking me questions. You checked in where you were drinking.

guinness and you put there was a tiny little yeah and i was like i want to see if she's putting she's in montreal or not and i did you click it i told paul i was like i shrunk it yeah nobody else i shrunk it so small so you really had to be invested to like see that Guys, if you want to see how this saga continues.

Tune in next week. Next week is like next month. Do you have any advice? Oh, yeah. Christina's going to be gone. It's going to be the Jen Murphy Jillian podcast for the next five weeks or so. Well, no, because we still have one in the tank. And then we have this one. We could also skip one week for like crazy.

Do we have one in the tank? Yeah. Do we have one in the tank? I don't think so. I don't think we do. Anyway, guys, Christina's going to be gone, but I'll promise to provide you with some entertainment. She will. She'll be great. Don't forget that you were going to get...

Follow us on Instagram at Jen. Judge Ito. Weren't you going to try to get Judge Ito on podcast? I just listened to that episode today, so I feel like I'm going to get replaced with Judge Ito. Anyways. Oh, can I just say one last thing, though? But maybe what we should do is record one episode.

episode but like we dress really preppy like a collared shirt maybe like a collared shirt and a sweater over top with the collar just like peeks over the sweater and then we like sit like this and we talk about really smart things and then we make that podcast our pin tweet on twitter so then if somebody that we sleep with goes to look us up on the internet they see that and they're like wow what wholesome smart girls those two are

Instead of seeing this where I burp. That's exactly how Kate Quigley is doing so well. Good plan. Okay, looks like it'll be cleavage and drinking on air for the rest of our careers. Oh, well. Email us at gillanoffpod at gmail.com. Follow me at walkinsauce. Shout out to Paul Antonio. Shout out to Paul. Thank you, Comedy Pop-Up.