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You can't convince someone to love you. You can't convince someone to choose you. You can't convince someone to want to be in a relationship with you. And to be in a relationship or to date someone where you have to convince them to love you, to choose you, to want to invest in you is settling. Don't settle. And like I said, if you're going to be with someone who you have to convince to actually be all in in the relationship with you, is profoundly, profoundly settling. And it never, ever works.
We think that sometimes, you know, we don't want to settle, like date someone who's not on our level. But settling is also settling for one-sided relationship and one of the key foundations of a functional relationship is reciprocity because here's the truth need to find a partner who feels like they are the luckiest person ever to be with you. And that is not emotional idealism. That is emotional and psychological necessity.
A relationship demands, it requires two sovereign people who voluntarily choose each other because they want to because they see the value so much in each other that they want to choose you they want to love you they want to stay they want to be in a relationship with you It really, literally does not work any other way unless we are voluntarily exercising our autonomy. relationship autonomy, relational autonomy, and saying, you know what?
I value you so much. I don't just want you. I don't just desire you. I'm not just attracted to you. I want you so much that I want to be here. and when we try to convince someone to love us to choose us to to work harder in the relationship it never works because again we have to all be sovereign beings we are all sovereign beings in a relationship and unless we see the value It's never going to work.
And yes, it's a bruise to the ego. Yes, if you've been in a relationship long enough with this person, it can be painful. All of that is true, but nothing is worse. Nothing is more... negatively impactful on your well-being than trying to convince someone to love you. I want to read an excerpt from my book. It begins with you. The nine hard truths about love that will change your life. This is truth seven. And it's you cannot convince someone to love you.
and it reads you cannot convince someone to love you this is an absolute hard truth it is the law of the land and there's no escaping it There is no plan B, what if, maybe, or let's see. And as much as winning someone's love has been romanticized in film and literature, love is not something that we win.
When someone you love can't love you back, you have to let them go. Whether it's your partner, your spouse, the father or mother of your child, or just your fuck buddy. You've got to let them go, period. This is the end of the story because there is no other story when someone no longer wants to be in a relationship with you. There is no other story if someone doesn't want to commit to you.
And I know how harsh this truth is. But like all the truths in this book, it will liberate you. I understand how gut-wrenching and disorienting It is to be rejected, especially by someone with whom you've planned a life. When they say it's over or I'm leaving, you can't try to convince them. They don't know what they're doing. Don't negotiate, manipulate, convince, or guilt trip. Don't try to talk anyone into loving you, paying more attention to you, texting you, calling you.
It won't work. It never does. In fact, it will work against you in every way. Even if you somehow manage to convince someone to stay, it won't last. Plus you'll only be trading in your fear of losing them for the pain of knowing that you had to convince them to stay, which will make you feel more insecure and unloved. And if you're dating, you don't want to settle for someone who love bombs you on a Tuesday but then loves you on a Thursday and gives you a bunch of attention.
When we settle, When we accept, when we tolerate, someone having one foot in and one foot out this is different than if you just started dating someone i understand some of you can be anxious and you want that commitment right away and that i never recommend because i recommend taking the time to really get to know someone rather than focusing on sealing the deal so that you don't have to cope with the uncertainty that comes with dating. That's different.
But if you're tolerating people consistently, having one foot in, one foot out, And I've had many people write in to me saying, you know, I've been in this relationship for a year and the person just can't say they love you to me yet. And I always say, if someone doesn't know if they love you after a year, they are not for you. And you are settling by staying with this person.
See, that's where you have to kind of switch your thinking instead of thinking, I'm not good enough because this person doesn't love me. I understand how painful it is. You have to switch your thinking into, wow, I'm settling for this person who can't love me. And I deserve more. Because there are plenty of people out there who would want to love you. And there could be a lot of reasons why someone can't say I love you after a year, for example. And I promise you, this I promise.
You are not missing out on a relationship with someone who after a significant amount of time with you can't say that they want to actually be with you. and what makes it so tricky is We think that when we have a really strong connection with someone, that that is enough. And my point is, don't settle for just a connection. You need a commitment to. And when I say commitment, it's not just about like, oh, I'm not going to see anyone else.
This is why the whole concept of exclusivity doesn't make any sense to me. Commitment goes well beyond I'm not going to date anyone else or I'm not going to sleep with anyone else. It's I'm committed. to showing up in this relationship. I'm committed to overcoming whatever childhood conditioning that I have that prevents me from being the healthiest partner that I can be to you.
Commitment is I'm not just thinking about myself. I'm thinking about you as well. And I'm thinking about our relationship together. Commitment means I'm planning a future with you. I'm building a future with you. And yes, that takes time to work up with someone. You can't just feel that right away with someone.
But just because you feel a connection with someone doesn't mean that they're right. And look, a connection is very important. But I wonder if this sounds familiar to you. You meet someone. There is that immediate surge of attraction but it goes beyond that. You feel very connected to them. You have very deep, meaningful conversations where you feel seen.
and you feel heard and there's something familiar to them. They kind of feel like home. You feel like there is... like you were meant to meet this person you feel connected and that's a very beautiful and profound experience and it's definitely important like I can't imagine and nor have I known anyone to begin a relationship with anyone with whom they didn't feel deeply connected
But have you ever experienced that and then as soon as things started to progress between the two of you and things got real, right? So maybe there's some arguments or some issues that are happening. And then they can't show up. They don't show up. They kind of disappear. And whether they disappear literally or they disappear sort of emotionally, psychologically, figuratively, they kind of disappear. This episode is sponsored by Helix.
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That's helixsleep.com for 27% off site-wide and free bedding bundle. helixsleep.com A hard truth that we have to make peace with if we want to have healthier relationships is that there are some people who can offer emotional closeness they can offer that that short-term emotional closeness, but they can't actually offer you emotional safety, meaning they can show up for intimacy and maybe when you're with them, you feel very connected and close to them.
But then when you're not with them, it's like you're not connected at all. Or when it comes to having... challenging, uncomfortable conversations, ones in which we have to be vulnerable and say our needs and talk about the future or talk about what it is that you both want.
they don't show up for that or if there's an argument and you're trying to repair they have no interest or capacity to repair that's because some people are ready for a connection but they're not ready for a relationship or they're ready for a connection, but they're not choosing a relationship with you. And it can be very very confusing. and it is one of those Субтитры сделал DimaTorzok
difficult realities about life and about relationships. You know, it feels almost like a bad joke that we could have this very strong connection with someone. and we have to leave them or End the relationship because it's not ever Developing into a relationship. But the truth is there are countless people who stay in these kind of scenarios because understandably you get so attached to that feeling of when you are connected.
that when you're not, like let's say you're not in the same room or you're not, there's no effort from the other person to stay connected in the spaces when you are not actually spending time together. And as much as you try to make it so that person stays connected, they just don't. And so when they do come back, or when you do have that date, or you do spend time together, and then you feel so connected again. It's called intermittent reinforcement.
It's like we can get very addicted to the high and the connection and the novelty and the intimacy that occurs when we are with this person. and then it's so harshly juxtaposed against the fact that there is no Substance to the relationship from a building perspective from a Let's plan our lives together perspective from a let's be best friends and partners at the same time perspective. And so... If you've ever or you do at this time, find yourself in a scenario where this is happening.
You have to know that settling for just a connection and not something that's developing into something deeper, which is provided this is what you want. going to gravely impact your mental health and being that it is mental health awareness month I wanted to discuss a pattern, this pattern, about settling and trying to convince someone to be someone who they're not and to choose you and to love you.
Because even if we have to grieve and go through the whole heartbreak process that ultimately is so much better for your mental health than staying in something where you know the person is not all in and so when I say find a person find a partner who feels like they are the luckiest person to be with you I really mean it because they should they should feel really lucky but let's not forget that
A relationship is not just about getting our needs met and feeling special. It's about making the other person feel special too. When our insecurities get the best of us we will focus on what we are getting and not getting and we won't focus enough on what we're giving or not giving in a relationship. And even in a dating scenario. So you want to find a partner who feels like the luckiest person to be with you.
who sees the value in you so profoundly that they are voluntarily choosing you and a relationship with you with all the beauty and hardship that comes with a relationship. But you have to be that partner too. Because we don't just find a partner, we are a partner. So this is just a reminder that all these things that I say, you have to be able to look in the mirror and apply it to yourself because the quality of our relationship
increase quite significantly when we apply the same standard to ourselves as we do to others. And I just want to help you further understand why you might feel very stuck on someone well one of the obvious reasons would be you've actually been in a relationship with them and your lives are intertwined and you've been having problems and the person wants out and so of course you're
your survival instincts are going to kick in and you're going to want to convince them to stay and to love you and that is part of being human. But I would argue that remaining in a relationship with someone who wants out. or is always threatening the end of the relationship every time there's a fight or you're noticing that they don't have any fight left inside of them.
That that triggers our survival instinct more than anything else. And if you were to just finally let them go. And to let them leave. It's not like you're going to, it's not going to be rainbows and unicorns. You've got a road ahead of you. It's going to be easier than staying in it. with that chronic underlying tension of knowing that they could leave you at any moment or they want out and you can feel that.
a difference between fighting for your relationship and fighting for someone to love you. Every relationship needs two people, two sovereign people, remember, who are voluntarily. Pursuing the relationship. And whatever. form that tick. When we feel so connected to someone even if it's in a few weeks or a few months because sometimes you know we say if it's a long-term relationship it's harder to break up
Not necessarily true. It can be absolutely true. But there are many, many people who end their very long-term partnerships or marriages that feel... more ready to end it than they thought they would and sometimes it's the ending of those shorter relationships that are incredibly intense that leave a real mark and when you feel that deep intense connection with someone let's say you just start seeing them your nervous system can confuse that
really amazing feeling honestly with emotional safety because we think we have this deep connection so this person must be my person or this person must be safe and The hard truth is that sometimes we're going to have a deep emotional connection with someone. isn't ready for a relationship, doesn't have the capacity for a relationship, might be incredibly immature, might want different things.
might be really good at forming a lot of connections with a lot of different people but when it comes to really like taking it home to a relationship they don't really do it or they don't want to do it with you. And so when you find yourself in this scenario, you have to understand that like, You feel this way and it's a lovely feeling and you have to use your discernment. And so probably that's one of the hardest things to do in dating is to be both open
And discerning. Because we don't want to go into everything closed off. We want to form connections. But it's about not confusing a connection with the relationship. And you can have a really strong connection and say, you know what? This feels really good. I really want a relationship with them. But you have to remember, you have to really, really remember.
That that strong connection sometimes just has to be a strong connection. It does not mean that that person is ready for a relationship. You're even the right person for them and they're the right person for you.
Mean it truly it the connection is really just it's the door it gets you in the door it's like okay I have a deep connection with this person this is someone who I would like to see if we have similar values similar wants and needs and actually both have the capacity to really to kind of be in a relationship with each other but the moment you start to feel them pull away when you want more you express your needs or the moment they start to pull away because it's not that easy or
You know, like I said, they love bomb you on a Tuesday and then they're in love with you on a Thursday and you just not really know where you stand. You are settling. And the best thing you could do is open up your mouth, speak up, and just gracefully and resolutely say, hey, this is what I noticed. This is how I'm feeling. And this doesn't feel good. Maybe we're not on the same page. What do you think? Or you could just say,
If it's really gone on too far, you can just say, look, this doesn't feel good anymore. This is a great connection, but this is what I want. And see where the conversation leads you. This episode is sponsored by Function Health I chose function because it's the best in the world for testing. It's an all-in-one health platform with over 100 advanced lab tests covering your entire body. So it's five times more than the average physical. It's comprehensive.
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This $100 credit is only for the first 1,000 listeners. Sign up at www.functionhealth.com. As soon as your nervous system starts kicking in with about a bunch of anxiety, self-doubt, confusion, do not ignore that. Pay 100% attention to that. I don't care.
you identify with being anxiously attached or not if that stuff is coming up it needs to be paid attention to and maybe that means you need to talk to trusted counsel who can help ground you in whatever it is that that you're confused about but your greatest leverage in a relationship is always just to say what it is that you need
and say what it is that you're observing and you can even say look this could be my imagination like sometimes i do tend to get anxious but this is what i'm feeling like to have a conversation about it And then you transform your insecurity into confidence and self-love because you are in that moment acknowledging your vulnerability, right? You have a tendency to get anxious. a tendency to feel insecure with the confidence to communicate vulnerably about what it is that you want to talk about.
That's the name of the game. And if there's just like one piece of advice that I could give to all of you who do get anxious and insecure in these scenarios and tend to settle. for these connections while not actually getting the commitment and not and not having it go any further is literally just to say that Sometimes I get a little anxious. Sometimes I get a little insecure. Something's not feel right. Can we talk about it? And let me tell you something.
The right person for you in particular, as long as you express it that way and you don't get accusatory or anything like that, the right person for you is going to say, sure, let's talk about it. you know let's let's talk about how can i make you how can i how can i reassure you how can i make you feel Like, I'm all in. That's the person who really sees your value. They're gonna respond like that. The person who's like, what are you talking about?
they're gonna pull away or they're gonna get annoyed or like the next day they're just not as like like I said they're pulling away they're not as engaged that is immediately the wrong person for you but what you will do especially with insecurity, and especially if that connection is intoxicating enough, and especially if you have abandonment issues, then you are going to say, okay, let's.
okay, it's all good, it's all fine, and you're gonna figure out a way to just reel that person right in. No, this is where you have to be incredibly discerning. A relationship is a co-creation. It is a co-creation. It takes two willing people. It takes two people who are aligned. It is the healthiest, happiest couples are the ones where there is friendship and there's communication and there's stability. You need some passion. You need connection too. Because, you know.
We need that in order to stay attracted to each other, but All in all, you don't want the up and down of deep connection and not commitment. And when you are tolerating that, you are settling. So stop settling and stand up for what it is that you deserve and what it is that you want. And remember. Remember that you have to do the work too. Every single one of us is tasked with overcoming are limitations when it comes to a relationship.
And it doesn't mean we're going to overcome everything but all of us have our work to do when it comes to a relationship. For most of us, it's about not letting whatever insecurities we have sabotage the relationship. It's about communicating more. It's about overcoming our selfishness. So like when we're just thinking about what we're not getting and we're not thinking about the other human being and nervous system that is standing right.
beside us or across from us, we have to think, ah, what is it that they're not getting to? This takes a lot. It takes a lot of effort. And so even though a relationship. should have three times as many positive moments as negative moments. And this is something I spoke about my last episode. This is based on the Gottman's research. So a relationship is a lot of work, but it should not be all work.
But it does require a level of emotional maturity. It requires that we strengthen our character because a relationship needs nurturing. And not everyone who you're going to feel connected to is going to be someone who you should be in a relationship with. And I wish that the world and life did not work that way, but it does. Proceed, but proceed with your eyes open and pay attention to how you feel around someone.
and get really, really clear about the kind of relationship you want and the kind of relationship you're willing to fight for. And don't settle for anyone who's not willing to do the same. Because I've said it many times throughout this episode and I will say it again. You cannot convince someone to love you or to choose you. And the moment you feel like you have to convince, you are settling. So I hope this episode helps. It's this is not easy stuff.
Like I said, it's not like you're gonna just flip a switch and stop doing the behavior and then you're gonna feel good. You're gonna stop doing the behavior. You are going to feel sad and confused and also proud of yourself Until as time passes, the feeling proud of yourself is going to get bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger. And it's going to overcome all the other negative feelings until you start to move on and move forward with your life.
So I also want to tell you about something really special. I have a community that I have that I'm relaunching a whole brand new community called The Conscious Woman. And this is a membership. It's a private membership for women only. Sorry, fellas. I am working on something for you very, very soon. So I am not ignoring you. But I wanted to create something for women only.
And this is where all my workshops, so wherever you are on your path, whether you want to raise your self-esteem and choose yourself, whether you're dating, whether you're heartbroken, whether you're trying to navigate your relationship better. I have courses and workbooks and workshops that address all of that in one single community and it's global. Not only that,
At this point, I have a year-long wait list to work with me, but I do group coaching once a month in this membership, and I have a senior coach, my very first coach ever. She is an OG. She was a coach before anyone really knew about coaching.
She is brilliant and she is coaching once a month inside the community. Plus we have a community circle where you can get advice and Very special guests speakers and workshops coming in this is this is going to be incredible There's already incredible, but here's the deal We are opening up the doors in just a couple weeks, but... It's only available for people who join the waitlist. Now, there might be people who might be able to join after the waitlist.
but it's not a guarantee because there's only a certain amount of members that are going to be able to join just so that we can really serve everyone at the greatest capacity that we can. So if you're on the waitlist, you are guaranteed a spot inside the membership. So to join the waitlist, just make sure that you look at the show notes below. The link is right there. And it's basically JillianTarecki.com slash waitlist. And I can't wait to meet you.
Don't hesitate. And if you have any questions about the episode, please reach out to hello at JillianOnLove.com. And until next time. Julian on Love is a Q-Code production, executive produced by David Henning and Steve Wilson, produced and edited by Travis Howe. Music by Will Tendi.