Why Change Feels Like a Fight

That is going to be the topic of today's podcast . While change is happening constantly around us , we're also constantly fighting it , and made me wonder why that is . Why are people resistant to change ? Are they assuming that change is going to be for the worse ? Are they assuming that there's no change that could ever be for the better ?

What if change is for the better ? Why wouldn't people assume that ? Well , the answer to all of that is because of our default brain . It's wired to assume the worst . That's the first scenario it presents . But most of the women that I coach have a logical understanding that change is inevitable .

They also understand that some change might have to come from within them to be able to change their outlook on their life and their circumstances . But then universally , I see a hesitation to change , even women who are very eager to adapt all of whatever self-help industry has to offer . They're willing to ask questions , but change is always difficult for them .

Willing to ask questions , but change is always difficult for them . So I'm going to give you some examples to see if what relates , and you can expand it to include other examples in your life . Let's say you've been taught certain things in your spirituality that certain scriptures only have this one strict interpretation .

But you know there are other possibilities out there , but you can't get yourself to believe them . Why is that ? Or you know that certain habits in your husband , your children , trigger you , but you also know that there are loving and lovable people , but you can't change your triggers . Why is that ?

You know that you might have a very restricted mindset around money . You know that money flows where abundance grows . Allah SWT says give charity and I will multiply and give it back to you , but yet you feel frustrated , restricted and you're very narrow in your ability to give . Why is that ?

And for most of these situations , there takes a different outlook for you to be able to feel differently about them , or for you to be able to feel differently about them , or for you to be able to create a different outcome from them .

So first , before I move on , let me continue to lay a very simple basic understanding your thoughts create your feelings and your feelings create your action . Your feelings create the omission of your actions as well , and the cumulative effect of this action in action is a result that you're living in your life .

Your restricted mindset around money creates a restricted spectrum of feelings around money , or around any topic about finance for that matter . That , in turn , creates minimal productive action towards abundance of money , and that creates lack of money as a result .

You know from multiple reels on your Instagram that creating abundance around money and that creates lack of money as a result .

You know from multiple reels on your Instagram that creating abundance around money creates a free flow of money towards you in your life , but yet you're unable to create that change . This is the example we're working with . Women want change . They know something's off , they're motivated to create the change .

They're smart and intelligent , they ask questions , but yet . So now let's move into why that actually is . Let's move into answering all of those whys . Change costs energy , and your brain is the most efficient energy-saving machine . It does not want to spend any calories breaking down old thoughts and building new ones .

That process of neuroplasticity is messy , it's slow and it's energy-consuming . So instead the brain sends out emergency sirens You're not good with money , you're a bad mom , your spirituality is fake .

Not because any of that is true , but because those thoughts are well rehearsed and they keep you from making the neural upgrades , because any level of neural upgrades requires the brain to spend energy , which it hates to do . Since change is expensive to the brain , the brain panics .

What is happening is , as soon as you try to upgrade your level of thinking , brain starts to tell a terrifying story , filtered only through your default circuitry , which is the nups , the unrefined version of yourself . When the brain senses a slight hint , a slightest possibility of improvement towards an upgrade , it turns into a boogeyman .

It starts to tell you a horrible story about yourself , and then the subconscious fear that what if I find out some horrible truth about myself ? Blocks the change even before it starts . So this is what I tell all these women the thought that there's something horribly wrong with you , this thought that the brain presents on your way to change .

It's not some ultimate truth that you've discovered . It's just the first defense mechanism that your brain throws to stop you from changing . And , in all honesty , it's absolutely genius , because the brain knows how to shut all of this change down very fast . Okay , so let's keep up with the example of your relationship with money . The

other very helpful explanation for this resistance to change phenomena is that once you embark on this journey of trying to figure out , okay , what exactly is it that's keeping me from financial independence , once you start asking this level of question , it will create a fundamental change in your thinking .

The very first thing that the brain offers you as an answer is that because you're incapable , you're not good with money , you're not good with math , you're not smart enough to handle money affairs , you can't be trusted with money , etc . Etc . On and on it goes . So the overarching theme here is you might understand your need for change in your life .

You also understand that you have to start the process by changing your outlook on life . But the very first explanation that your mind offers as to why it's not happening is that you're broken . Brain says you don't have the capacity for that level of love because of your childhood .

Brain says you don't know how to be a good boss , how to be a good businesswoman , because there's nothing close to a leadership quality in you . The brain says that you're having a hard time as a parent because your kids don't trust you . All of your discipline methods have failed and your kids are glued to the screen because you're a bad mother .

This is the quote-unquote proof that the brain offers to halt the change . This is the first line of self-defense in order to keep you from going down the road of neuroplasticity , of self-improvement , of changing the brain at the cellular level . But , like we discussed , the brain does not like to spend energy on changing .

It does not like to spend resources on how you're going to be able to think differently . It would rather just continue to turn out the same old , stale thoughts about money , about your parenting , about your love life , about your success level and about your spirituality .

So , all of the elaborate stories based on the evidence from the path or projections on the future , the creative thought patterns about your brokenness , they're not ultimate truth . This is the quality of the nafs , the primal brain . The very first explanation an unevolved brain offers as an answer to everything in life Comes through the default circuitry .

This is why change feels like a fight . This is why , no matter how much you believe change is important , you are usually unable to do it by yourself . In the Quran , Allah says who is it that will lend to Allah a good loan which Allah will multiply many times over ? Surah 2 , ayah 245 .

You might know that you might believe it with every bone in your body , but when it's time to donate , to invest in yourself , to spend from a place of trust , you freeze . That is not hypocrisy . That is your default brain's neural wiring . That is

your nafs saying don't move , don't change , don't let go . And this is especially true when it comes to the interpretation of the deen . You know that there are gentler , more mercy-centered interpretations of certain verses or of the teachings of the Quran and Sunnah , but you don't let yourself believe them . Why ?

Because then you'd have to change , and change always feels dangerous at first , even when it's divine . This very simple neurobiological explanation of resistance to change tells you that change requires breaking down of previous building blocks and using those building blocks to create new structures . This is the process of neuroplasticity .

This is the process of creating new dendritic connections within the neurons of the brain , and this construction requires energy In the name of efficiency . It will avoid neuroplasticity , and the higher your processing power , the more you're able to think , the more intelligent your brain is .

It will get very creative , based on all of that potential that you have , and tell you very creative stories . It will give you multiple other directions to go into , except for the one you actually need to go to to create change . But in this case , your brain , your lower brain , is just protecting you from your own greatness .

Because how many times have you prayed for a better life but instead subconsciously blocked the answer ? Because it came dressed as change , change that had to go through the zone of panic of your brain , the zone where you're comfortable but actually exhausted at the same time , because you're constantly fighting that internal battle .

The solution and a practical way to create change without fighting is you stop giving your default thoughts special treatment . You're a bad mom is a thought . It's not divine revelation , it's not a billable diagnosis , just a sentence in your brain made up to keep you in the old loop . You don't have to fight it , you just notice it and you keep walking .

That was the first step . This is when we're not giving our default thoughts more airtime than they deserve . The second step is you borrow a regulated nervous system , and this is where coaching comes in . Your brain needs a steady place and pace to rewire itself . That's why women tell me , kamal , I feel so calm around you .

It's not magic , it's co-regulation and it's powerful . Step three is you shift in small degrees . You don't take full turns . Change is like turning a ship If you shift one degree at a time , you'll end up in a whole new continent , in a whole new direction . There are no battles , no breakdowns , just consistency in one different direction .

Start with one thought , upgrade one feeling , upgrade one new action . And this is exactly what we do inside my coaching container , the Empowered Muslim Woman . We don't chase change like a war , we don't fight like warriors , we don't resist it and we don't fight our natural neural wiring . We just let it happen .

We go through change like a prayer steady , loving and aligned . So the next time your brain says you're broken , you're incapable , you can't handle this or any of the other nonsense , any meaning you assigned to the world always comes through the default pathway . It includes the meaning you're trying to assign to the change in your life .

And this default pathway , that is the nafs , is your basic out-of-the-box setting , and the purpose of every Muslim woman in the world is to evolve through this level of thinking . The purpose is not to fight it , the purpose is not to hold your nafs against you . It's not to blame your circumstances .

The purpose is that when you feel like there's a constriction in your life and you want to create a change , you will walk through the panic zone of the brain , knowing full well that it's the defense mechanism , and you yourself will not panic . You yourself will not believe any of those thoughts .

The panic zone will sound like the brain is telling you a whole bunch of undiscovered truths about yourself . But they're just scare tactics . They're designed to have you retreat back into your comfort zone .

The panic zone , made up of all of its stories , is the function of the nafs , and moving through it makes the life on earth better for a Muslim woman and , in my opinion , it makes life so much more rewarding in the afterlife , inshallah . When the brain offers you painful truths , you say thank you , brain .

I'm moving forward now , building something bigger , now different . Now you have the option to simply not believe your own brain . Most women think that their particular brain is failing them when they don't see the change that they're hoping for , when your brain is actually defending your current identity .

That means every time you're avoiding change , avoiding walking through the panic zone , you're actively agreeing to stay small . And I don't mean change has to be big to stay small . And I don't mean change has to be big . I don't mean that it has to come with creating a nationwide revolution . Maybe you want to write more because that's your creative outlet .

Maybe you want to do watercolors more . Maybe you want to create digital graphics , but your ego's default setting

keeps telling you that no one is interested in your work . That is the panic zone truth that I'm telling you about . It will say you don't have an audience . It will say you're not creative . This is expected . These are not hard truths about your creativity . These are just thoughts .

They're thrown against you as a weapon by your nafs to keep you from creating your dreams . Coming over this design is the work that we're put on this planet to do . So would you rather stay exhausted in your comfort zone because of the mind battles that you're constantly fighting , or be uncomfortable in your evolution ?

Answer to yourself what are the three things ? You know you want to change , but keep putting it off ? What's the story that your brain tells you as soon as you start to try the change ? Is your brain resisting because the path is wrong or because the path is new .

When you have the answer to these questions , come back to the three steps to create your change . Step one stop giving default thoughts extra special treatment . Step two borrow a regulated nervous system . Step three shift in small degrees , not in complete revolutions . With that , I pray to Allah , subhanahu wa ta'ala .

Ya Allah , guide me through the noise of my thoughts when my mind tells me I'm broken . Remind me that I am your creation , still unfolding . When fear whispers that I'm not capable , anchor me in your promise that you are enough for me . Ya Allah , soften the grip of my ego on me . Give me the courage to walk through discomfort with grace .

O Allah , let every resistance that my mind and my body offers be a reminder of your greatness , and let every step I take towards betterment be a step towards you . Ameen , ya Rabbul Alameen , please keep me in your du'as . I will talk to you guys next time .