Victim Mentality

This in itself is a cause of a great deal of unnecessary suffering . I was totally suffering from victim mentality but didn't recognize it . So in this podcast , I want you to keep an open mind where you might be unconsciously practicing victim mentality , because without an open mind , you will never get to correct the errors that are causing turmoil in your life .

So I'm not saying that you are in victim mentality . All I'm saying is that you stay open to the possibility and see if you're accidentally falling for this type of error Along with victim mentality . We also talk about triggers today , and that is because they are very much related In terms of CTFAR circumstances , thoughts , feelings , actions and results .

Our circumstances are everything outside of us . Things that are outside of us do not cause our feelings . Our thoughts do . And if you haven't learned anything from my podcasting for more than a year , I'll say it again . Actually , I'll shout it from the rooftops if that's what it takes for people to start seeing how this design actually works .

Nothing outside of you causes your feelings your thoughts do . Nothing outside of you is responsible for outcomes in your life . Your thoughts are responsible for them . When we are being triggered by our environment , it's because we have accidentally attached our feelings to the circumstance .

When we are in victim mentality , we have accidentally attached our results or our outcomes with the circumstance . Both are the same type of a mistake because they're both omitting our thinking from the picture where our control actually lies .

So you can imagine , when someone is working under the doctrine of completely ignoring their point of control , how topsy-turvy their life will be . Luckily , it is a type of a mistake and , like any other mistake , it can be fixed . So all my life I was considering myself to be a strong , independent woman .

But it turned out whenever I was associating my emotions with my circumstance , I was practicing victim mentality , and this was happening outside of my awareness because nobody ever taught me this .

I was frustrated because of burnt dinner , upset because of forgotten grocery item , really angry at my husband because he brought white bread instead of whole wheat bread , boiling over when the cleaning lady showed up two hours after her scheduled time , and on and on and on . Then imagine the state of my misery .

When I was having frustration for having these first world problems , I was having judgment for myself . On top of all of these emotions , I was walking around like a built-up bundle of emotions , like a volcano ready to burst at the slightest trigger . I absolutely hated myself for it but didn't know how to stop .

Now you might have a tendency to judge me , especially after I tell you that there are women out there who seek coaching with me that have been sexually abused , starting at the age of four . These women are so wound up in their past that , despite of having an apparent functional life , they are very deep in victim mentality .

And you might judge me saying that here I am crying a river about my white bread . How can it compare that to real problems ? To that I will say that nothing is comparable . In that sense , whatever your mountain to climb is is your work . Just pay attention to what circumstance , past or present , might be keeping you hostage .

Also , be very careful , because victim mentality in these cases is going to feel very justified , especially when somebody has wronged you or harmed you in the past . You're going to feel like everyone else has their act together and you're going to want to control everything around you , just so you can finally have some peace .

So in those cases , victim mentality is going to feel really justified . Everyone around you is going to want to empathize with you , feel sorry for you . That's their way of showing their support . But that's just burying you further deep into victim mentality , and I will explain how .

So I want you guys to start thinking of life as two different environments One that is outside of you and one that is inside . You might think that the outside environment is complex , but your internal environment is extremely rich and complex in itself . It mostly consists of your thoughts and feelings . These are invisible to others .

We take actions based on these thoughts and feelings , and most actions are observable by others , but some are not . Especially if you are taking mental action , your emotions have a physicality to them and your brain feeds off of this physicality . Emotions lead to further thoughts that lead to further emotions .

This bi-directional highway is most of the mind drama and the brain action that women are stuck in . This type of actions are not observable by others , but it takes up a whole bunch of your .

For humans who have never learned the art of introspection , the external environment seems more real because we start to experience it as soon as we open our eyes in the morning .

Our senses are bringing in information about the external world , but at any given moment you're always experiencing two different environments one that is outside of you and one that is inside . For simplicity's sake , in my work I reduce the internal environment to thoughts and feelings , and everything else is outside .

When you are in victim mentality , you're actually giving away the power of your internal environment to something that is in the external . If you say such and such person really upset me , you have given your power of your emotional state to the other person .

If you say such and such person really upset me , you have given your power of your emotional state to the other person . If you say the reason I'm unfortunate now is because I was abused as a child , you have given away all of your current power to your past . This is victim mentality .

If you think it's difficult to create a successful business because of the current economy . If you think you can't be happy because your teenager doesn't listen to you all of it examples of victim mentality . If you think colonialism is responsible for the current standing of the ummah . You're practicing victim mentality , just on a larger scale .

It is extremely crucial for us to identify this type of a mindset and to work out of it , because imagine all of the people with malintentions in the world . Their only job is to troll and to make other people's lives miserable and to bring suffering into the world .

And then imagine you personally handing them all of your power to control your internal environment . They will have a field day with it . They will not let go of a single opportunity to quote-unquote , press your buttons . So don't give them that license . Take that control back , and this is how you're going to do it .

When I'm doing this work on myself , I actually sit down to weed out all of my victim thoughts . I do it through a thought output exercise that I teach you guys . It's where you sit down to weed out all of my victim thoughts . I do it through a thought output exercise that I teach you guys .

It's where you sit down for 10 minutes and you write everything that comes in your head . If nothing is coming to , you start writing just the names of colors or numbers . Your thoughts will start to flow when they come onto paper . After 10 minutes , you can start reflecting on things .

The point of this thought output exercise is to see what is in your brain and recognize if , subconsciously , you're practicing victim mentality somewhere .

After you've written for the 10 minutes , sit back and reflect on what is it that I've accidentally assigned my emotional power to ? What am I being triggered by these days ? Assigned my emotional power to what am I being triggered by these days ? The pandemic has me feeling helpless . Insurance companies not approving meds for my patients make me frustrated .

Kids leaving the table without eating their veggies for the 20th time is that making me angry ? In each of these examples , emotions are attached to circumstances . Please recognize if this is happening anywhere in your life . I cannot dictate it for you . You have to recognize it for yourself and you do that by doing this thought output exercise .

So , simply put , victim mentality results from you being triggered by the circumstance . My boss's feedback really made me angry . It was unprofessional , rude and over the top . Guess who controls your emotions ? Now your boss does . Byron Katie says that when someone shares their opinion about you , you could just allow it . Let other people have the opinion about you .

It will save you so much mind drama Because , guess what , they already have that freedom . By thinking you can control their opinion of you , you're exercising control where you have none , and not only let them have an opinion about you , but let them be wrong about you . They have the freedom to say as many wrong things about you as they want .

This is just you allowing reality to unfold as it is unfolding . This is just you allowing reality to unfold as it is unfolding . You have the freedom to defend yourself , which is in your control , or you can try to block the other person from having an opinion where you don't have any control .

When you try and block reality from occurring , that is you wasting your time and energy . You will be running into life like a brick wall . All of this is a direct result of wiring in human beings that makes us extremely susceptible of changing our internal state based on what people are saying about us .

That is the default programming , but we don't have to stay susceptible . This is the reason why victim mentality is extremely rampant , because it is the default practice , and the default is always easy . Default is that we can scroll on social media for hours , we can stuff our face with food to feel comfortable , we can stay on the couch and watch Netflix .

Default is that we can stay in bed instead of going for a walk . The default is always easy and victim mentality is default , which is why it comes so naturally . It is our job as conscious , intelligent , believing servants of Allah to transcend the default with our wisdom . This is what striving is .

Sheikh Hamza Yusuf puts it beautifully the default setting of a piece of technology is something that it comes pre-programmed with , but if you want to operate it to your liking , then you have to reprogram it according to the operating manual .

Human beings come to earth with default setting of the nafs , wiring for victim mentality , and the operating manual to transcend this default is the Quran , and the operating manual to transcend this default is the Quran . Easily triggered , angered upset comes extremely easily . That is not intelligence . The point of intelligence is to rise above it .

You are no one's hero when you are blind and rage . That's an animalistic behavior . Separating from the rage is the superior skill . In the Quran , surah Ash-Shura , part of ayah 37, . When they get angry , even then they forgive . How can you find it in yourself to forgive when you think that the other person's causing your anger ? You can't .

There's no room for it . As long as you're attached to the circumstance , forgiveness will not come to you as an option , because you will keep thinking that the anger is caused by someone else . When you correctly place the cause of your anger as your thoughts , then you are actually doing something about it .

Example my colleague makes me so angry because she blamed me for misplacing the files . Blame is on colleague . She has to change for you not to be angry .

But if we correct the error in our thinking , we might say , colleague , and the placement of the files is a circumstance , we have no control over that , I am thinking that she's blaming me , which is why I'm feeling angry . In that case , with the development of this skill , maybe you can learn to choose a different thought . Maybe she's right , maybe she's wrong .

Maybe you can empathize with her point of view , maybe you can totally choose not to believe her . When you make space between your external and internal environment , you give yourself time to choose a response . Maybe then forgiveness will come to you , or maybe it will just be curiosity about the other person's point of view , and don't judge yourself .

If you can't forgive , but at least take your power back by realizing that your thoughts are causing your anger . The default setting is an empty , mindless state of going through life projecting your misgivings onto others .

Surah 25 , ayah 63 and the true servants of the gracious God are those who walk on earth humbly , and when the ignorant address them , they avoid them gracefully . By saying Peace , qalu Salama , by saying Peace . Saying peace .

If an Islamophobe is shouting profanities at you and you continue to be triggered by their actions , or you continue to judge their actions that they shouldn't be doing that , how are you ever going to give yourself an option of saying peace ? You are in a triggered state . You are assigning your emotional state to a person who intends to harm you .

Your higher sage self , the wisdom of your fitrah , will be trying to protect you , but it will be smothered . It's going to try and tell you that saying peace is the right thing to do , but you can't hear it speak because you're so triggered . You are in victim mode .

You are operating on the default of the easy factory setting rather than adopting the manual of the Qur'an .

In a sahih hadith , ibn Umar reported the Messenger of Allah peace and blessings be upon him said the believer who mixes with people and is patient with their harm has a greater reward than the believer , who does not mix with people nor is patient with their harm . This is a world where people are placed here as a test .

They will bother you , but your job is to take control of your internal world and rise above it . That is the work on this planet . That is what you're sent here to learn . If we don't learn that , other things and people will control our internal environment , societal cultures and education system at large benefits from us never having learned this control .

This way , we can continue to turn outwards for answers . It is the default to be a victim . It is the default to be triggered . It is your job as a Muslimah to unlearn that wiring . If you find yourself in victim mentality and see that it is very common for you to assign your experience to somebody else , then don't judge yourself for it .

Self-correction doesn't come from judgment . It comes from empathy for the self . Also , give yourself permission to be in that state Meaning you don't have to say I am a victim or I have been a victim all this time . You say that I'm experiencing victim mentality because of what I'm thinking . You don't have to make it your identity .

You can just say that this is what you're experiencing right now , in the moment , and just observe it . The quickest fix that I found for this victim mentality that I practice for myself and as a coach with my clients is that I never empathize with the circumstance .

I will never empathize with how bad your life has been , not because I'm heartless , but because if I do that , I'll be burying you deeper in your victim mentality and , like I said before , this is what the rest of the world does . Oh , poor you . This is what happened to you . I'm so sorry to hear that .

Instead , what I will do is I will empathize with your thoughts . There's a huge difference . I will never say I'm so sorry that happened to you . Difference I will never say I'm so sorry that happened to you . I will say I can understand why you're thinking this way . I can understand why you might be in victim mentality . I will empathize with your thoughts .

I will show you that your thoughts are where your power lies . If I continue to empathize with your circumstance , feeling sorry for you , then I'm further hardwiring your default setting . Learn to do the same for yourself . Have empathy for your thoughts . Of course you're feeling sorry for yourself about what happened .

Of course you're feeling angry because of your thoughts because that's what the situation called for , but do not continue to feel sorry for yourself because of the past or because somebody else mistreated you . That is the quickest fix to all victim mentality .

You can do it by yourself with the concept I've given you in this podcast , or I highly encourage you to become a part of my program , which is very appropriately titled Empowered Muslim Women . In that program , I can work with you to filter out the thought errors and teach you how to carry that skill for the rest of your life .

Inshallah , learning the operating manual takes time and dedication . Choose to dedicate at least three months of self-education and you will see a change . Inshallah , you are worth the time that you invest in yourself . Put your oxygen mask on first so you can save others , if you so choose .

Fill your cup first so you can pour out of it for others , if you so choose . I will leave the link for my program in the show notes . With that , I thank Allah , subhanahu wa ta'ala , for all the blessings that he has given us .

I pray that he gives us the wisdom to see his signs and recognize that everything that is a test for us is a means for us to get closer to him . Oh Allah , I ask that you help this ummah break the chains of victimhood , because there are forces out there that are acting to keep Muslims in the dark .

I pray for your strength against these forces and I pray for all of us that Allah swt makes it easy for us to counteract the default . Oh Allah , I pray for your mercy on this ummah and the world in general . Please keep me in your duas . I will talk to you guys next time .