The Pain You Practice

The topic of today's podcast is something I revisit frequently , and it has to do with your friendships and how you're using them . I love women's gatherings , all the friendships , the connection , the laughter , the sharing . I love the idea of sisterhood , and I've made that abundantly clear .

I absolutely love people around me and I choose to be with them when I share and when they share . I love the exchange , the energy , the trust and the humanness , and Alhamdulillah for that . I don't think I say that enough , even though I have multiple episodes on this topic . I think it can be said many more times and differently .

Something that I want you guys to be aware of , though , that I want to bring your attention to in this podcast , is , while there's healing and growth in sharing of ideas and networking and the whole web of interconnectedness , which

is an incredible tool , it is an amazing resource , there are also some dangers to it . That is the danger of commiseration , commiseration of pain , validation of your negative thought patterns , and I want to bring your attention to something that's happening behind the scenes .

Every time you share your story in a gathering or in a virtual group without the intention to think differently , as an outcome of that conversation , you strengthen the neural pathways attached to that story . This is , of course , neuroplasticity .

The neuroplasticity can be both negative and positive , while the concept of neuroplasticity the neuroplasticity can be both negative and positive . While the concept of neuroplasticity is mostly used in a positive way , it can , and usually does , end up being negative as well .

Meaning , every time you're sharing a difficulty with a group and you get validating feedback , then your story gets ingrained further in your mind . This is the negative use of neuroplasticity , and all of this takes a very heavy toll on your psyche . It keeps you in difficult emotions and it doesn't let you achieve the positive outcomes in your life that you want .

So every time you gathered in a group or just sharing it with one more person where the conversation's flowing , it feels warm , connected and you're feeling comforted .

And let's say you're sharing stories about how hard parenting is , how exhausting it is to build a business or how impossible it feels to find a good Muslim man as a single woman , and it feels validating because the other person's sharing their story , and it totally proves your point . But I want to get very nuanced and very detailed here .

There is a very big danger that gets overlooked , and that is that your brain uses this validation , this comfortable connection , to gather evidence for your limited beliefs . You start off by needing a connection , but without direction , that connection turns into commiseration and this turns into emotional quicksand that keeps you trapped .

You get stuck in the same loop , saying the same thing to maybe different people , waiting for a new outcome that doesn't come . While it feels like you might have gone into the conversation with the intention of healing , healing doesn't happen .

Instead , you start looping and when other people start mirroring back the same struggle without offering any shift , you start to mistake your pain for your personality . You don't just feel overwhelmed and distressed and overlooked , you become the overwhelmed one and the distressed one . You don't just feel the hurt , you become the one who's hurt .

Your identity gets hijacked with this negative thought looping of neuroplasticity . And this all happens while everyone else is nodding in agreement and you feeling like this is a good thing . Let's say , your teenager is a reckless driver and it's very difficult for you to calm her down and at the same time another mom says I know exactly what you mean .

My daughter does the same thing . She goes to pick up her friends and they're all riling each other up . I'm so afraid for their safety . You feel so validated that you're not alone in thinking that your teenager behavior needs to change , that your fear for her safety is valid and all of that is true .

Your teenager behavior might need to change and your fear is valid . But if , beyond the validation , no alternative was provided , then it becomes a negative thought loop .

Same thing happens if you're trying to find a spouse and you say to somebody there's no good men left , and then maybe in the gathering you have seven other women agreeing with you that yeah , you're right . It's so hard to find a good guy .

So this validation is healthy and it can be healthy to an extent , but not when you're trying to create the outcome of finding a well-adjusted Muslim guy to marry . If you want the outcome to be different , it is not in your favor to continue to tell the same limiting story . This commiseration does not help you .

Same thing if you're trying to build a business and you think to yourself nobody wants to spend money , it's so hard . And in a gathering of other entrepreneurs , they say the same thing how hard it is to work as a businesswoman and how hard it is to make a profit in this economy .

Validating your experience , which seems innocent and even therapeutic , but at the same time , it is also gathering more evidence against the change that your life needs , against the change that your business needs in order for it to be successful .

If you want a different outcome , you have to go beyond commiseration . Your brain absolutely loves validation , because it gives you dopamine , it gives you connection . It says see , I'm not crazy . But just because someone else agrees with your pain does not mean you're making progress towards change . You may just be cementing in an old story .

That's keeping you stuck . That's the danger that I want to bring your attention to . This is the danger of repeating validation without intentional change . And if I haven't already said it , I'm going to say it again . I'm not saying don't speak your pain . I'm not saying don't gather in sisterhood . I'm saying just go with intention about what you're doing .

Know the difference between I'm speaking this to process it or I'm speaking this to prove it to myself and to others . One is a mindset that opens the door to something new . The other one locks you inside the same emotional room with no doors and no exits . You can validate yourself and also stay open to a completely different interpretation .

That's what's going to create a different result . Validation alone does not create change . It might create closeness , it might create trust , it might help you exhale and feel seen , which are all of the preliminary , foundational things that you might need to be able to create change .

So please do share if it matters to you , if it calms your nervous system down , if it helps you process . But if that's where you stop , if your only goal is I just want someone else to see what I see , then your brain will continue to keep collecting proof that the pain is permanent . It will reinforce every belief that's already keeping you small .

And this does not happen because you're a weak human being . This happens to every human being . The brain loves patterns and more than that , it loves to prove those patterns . And once that pattern is the reimbursement of that pain and it becomes familiar , it becomes a part of your emotional blueprint .

While validation soothes and connects , in the long run it works as a sugary dessert that is delicious in the moment but offers zero nourishment . It's just empty emotional calories . That's harmful for your health and when consumed over and over again , it contributes to the very problem you're trying to heal from .

In unchecked commiseration , you develop a procedural memory of relating to certain experiences in your life let's say a relationship with your father , that you develop a procedural memory of relating to certain experiences in your life let's say a relationship with your father that provokes a certain set of memories and that in turn correlates with the habitual set of

emotions that you're familiar with . When you talk about this experience just for the sake of validation , it will further ingrain that procedural memory and it hardwires even more and more . And when you hear other women's experience of their relationships with their fathers and if they were not ideal then your brain just seals

the deal . It says this was horrible and how your life is just screwed up and nothing good can come out of it . In this negative loop of neuroplasticity , the rewiring is going against you . It's being used to tell yourself self-deprecating stories that relational trauma with your father has no good outcomes .

So by all means share your experience and listen to other women , share their experience . But what I'm also saying that it does not constitute the entire reality . There's a lot more that is happening outside of what your brain is allowing to filter in .

Maybe there are women out there who have relational trauma similar to yours , with difficult relationships with their fathers , but that has helped them heal tremendously .

That has helped them become excellent parents and break generational trauma , and that has helped them how to become productive human beings and how to love their fathers despite of their relational ruptures .

If you only go in a conversation to validate yourself , you're going to miss out on all of this learning , the learning from the experience that the other person is sharing with you . Your brain is simply going to emit this information and you will never get the benefit of positive neuroplasticity that this conversation has to offer .

And if , as usual , women are gathering to talk about how difficult life is , how difficult earning money is , how challenging parenting , marriage , life as a Muslim is , how difficult it is to establish healthy communication , how difficult education in public schools is , allow yourself a healthy dose of validation if it heals your nervous system .

But when you see that your brain is using that validation for data gathering to prove the point of how your life is particularly screwed up , that's when I'm asking you to pause . That's when I'm asking you to create a difference . The habitual reliving of your previous painful experiences validates your distress , but it does not change it .

If you're trying to create change , you have to go from constant validation to finding alternative explanations for the events . So next time you sit in a circle to start to share , just ask yourself am I building a bridge out of this experience or am I digging myself more into it ?

Your brain will follow the intention you set behind the scenes , and if you want to heal , not to just feel seen , you will need to let your story stretch a little bit . You will need to let it breathe . You will need to be flexible with it . That's the difference between validation that comforts and the validation that transforms .

Every time you tell your story just to feel better , without the intention to think differently , you're training your brain to love the story more than the solution . You're getting a high of the dopamine of me too while your goals and change suffocates quietly .

Without intention , validation becomes a cage , and this is what I want you guys to be extremely careful about . While you're venting about how difficult everything is , how impossible it is for you to trust yourself , or how no one listens to you , you're hardwiring your struggle , there is a danger of only repeated validation .

While it might start as healing , it doesn't always end there . You'll feel heard , you will feel seen , but don't cut yourself short in this deal . Also , allow yourself to gather evidence of the success stories that are out there . One is healing , the other one is habitual reliving .

The difference is healing happens when you hear something that you don't yet believe and you let it land , even if it's a little bit . Healing creates expansionual reliving contracts your emotional bandwidth . Healing introduces nuance and flexibility . Habitual reliving just replays the same story . Healing will soften your judgment towards yourself and others .

It involves openness to you being wrong , openness to you allowing yourself to let go of your story a little bit . Habitual reliving will adamantly guard your current belief . It will not let it change . Change requires intentional openness , not just passive listening and sharing .

You can actively choose to expose your brain to something unfamiliar , something that might feel difficult for you in the beginning . If you walk into a conversation already decided on what you want to believe , your brain will filter out everything that doesn't match . This is not discernment , this is pre-programming .

So let go of these glasses , for I just want to be heard . So let go of these glasses , for I just want to be heard . While that is true , you also want change , otherwise you wouldn't be sharing . When you enter a space in a conversation with the intention to truly hear something different , something radical happens in your brain .

It starts to tell you that the story that you've been living isn't sick . Your pain is real , but it's not the only reality . It tells you that you're open to more and maybe better interpretations .

And with all of that , suddenly change becomes available in the same exact circles , the same exact people that you're hanging out with , same women sharing their stories , but now you also look for how they do things differently , how women create successful businesses in the same economy , living in the same world as you .

How does somebody else raise her level of consciousness , raise children strong in their Islamic identities , also while sending them to public schools ? How does she get a degree while being a mother ? What is the difference in her story that she's telling herself compared to yours ? This information has always been around you . It's just not been filtering in .

Pick an area in your life where you want a different outcome , something that you haven't been able to create yet . While you make dua for it , start to notice how you share your story about that event , how you talk about the difficulties , the failures , the setbacks , and what stories are you only allowing to filter in ?

Give yourself permission to release your stories for a short period of time . Give yourself a window of time where you're listening for solutions as well . Solution two how do I take care of my elderly parents ? Ask yourself , how does she take care of aging parents that are ordinary and agitated all the time ? How does she create a million-dollar business ?

How does she memorize the Quran ? How does she become a professional outside the home ? All of the answers will filter in through the same gatherings that have otherwise been reinforcing your limited identities , and all of these answers will create change in the positive direction , positive neuroplasticity In everyday conversations .

For this pre-wiring to happen , set an intention . I'm opening to hearing something that challenges me , that is new to me . Ask other people what works for you in this situation . Allow yourself to say your pain out loud , to share , to validate , to be seen and heard , but also wonder what is it that I'm not seeing ?

Yet If you're not careful , the comfy circle of friends becomes breeding ground for procedural , negative memories . This is how your brain begins to associate certain relationships and roles , like a daughter , a mother , an entrepreneur , with fixed emotional patterns . A lot of times , these patterns filled with fear , resentment , hopelessness .

But just a small shift in how you allow information to come into your mind With that right intention , your brain will start looking for change instead of proving its pain . You might feel a little uncomfortable , but you will also feel curious . You will stop dismissing somebody else's story just because it doesn't match yours .

You will allow yourself to say what if I'm wrong about my story ? In the best way possible . Start by asking small questions and shifting the conversation without shaming your pain . Am I repeating this to feel better or am I allowing myself to see better ? What do I want people to say back to me right now ? What am I looking for ?

Is this helping me grow or is it just helping me cope ? What belief am I reinforcing by saying this out loud ? If I want a different outcome , how will I share my story differently ?

This alone will take you from validation only to change , from commiseration to growth , from negative to positive neuroplasticity , and just like that , you will stop practicing the pain you've been in .

With that , I pray to Allah SWT . Ya Allah , let me speak not just to feel seen , but also to be set free . Let me share stories , that they become my new realities . Ya Allah , keep my heart soft to what I haven't seen yet . Guide my tongue away from reinforcing my pain . Let the gatherings around me be a place of light .

Let me rewire towards rain , not trauma . Let my comfort seeking be a source of healing , not the one that hides . Ameen , ya Rabbul Ameen , please keep me in your du'as . I will talk to you guys next time .