The Agreeableness Factor

Today we're going to be talking about a very exciting topic , about agreeableness , which is a personality trait that refers to a person's tendency to be cooperative , compassionate and considerate to others .

It is one of the personality traits in the big five personality traits , which the acronym is OCEAN , o-c-e-a-n stands for openness , conscientiousness , extroversion , agreeableness and neuroticism , and there are some people who are very high in agreeableness . I happen to be one of them , and this is not for you to go around and start taking more personality tests .

It is a great definition . It helps me define a concept where it affects Muslim women . So people who score high on agreeableness are often described as friendly , kind and empathic .

On the other hand , people who are low on agreeableness are often more reserved , independent , sometimes even argumentative , and I'm not the one to pass moral judgment on either one , but you might want to consider for yourself how you want to choose to show up in your life . Personality traits as described in today's psychology are not genetically determined .

They are just thoughts on repeat , so you can choose to show up with high agreeableness if you wanted . So agreeableness as a trait , in my experience , can take you very far . You have to be able to work with others , and what is the balance between keeping your own authority , autonomy , agency while agreeing with others ?

And this is very much related to the previous podcast I did over expert and authority , so if you haven't listened to that , I would suggest you do that . Agreeableness as a trait reflects individual differences in general concern for social harmony . An agreeable individual will value getting along with others .

They are generally Thank you involve compromising your own well-being or disregarding your own personal experience , because agreeableness can easily cross over to being a pushover and , like always , it oscillates back and forth and we constantly need to realign ourselves . If you're agreeing too much , you might be doing it at a price of your own autonomy .

This is how you create resentment .

You have to get really clear on your values and for that I recommend exercises like deathbed contemplation , meaning fast forward with your imagination what would matter to you at the time of your death and bring it back to the current moment and see if this is something you truly value and you regard highly that you're not willing to compromise .

There are many things that I'm not willing to compromise on , and I have to remind myself of that frequently . But when I do accept people's requests , they are more likely to accept mine . And again , this is a constant creation of the balance between the two .

Alhamdulillah , I've been able to create an amazing work-life balance in one of the most challenging career lines in the Western world , and that has to do with me being a physician . And it all happens because I'm willing to create agreeableness when I choose to .

And in other news , today my teenager son is having a bring-anything-to-school-but-a-backpack day and he decided to take his school items in a microwave . That's right , a microwave out of anything . I was flabbergasted . I'm sure he got that idea from the internet , but it required a whole new level of agreeableness for me to give him the microwave .

It took a lot of self-coaching for me able to do that , but , but I was happy to do it . So again , agreeableness is a person's ability to put others needs before their own . It is a highly valued personality trait .

In a social hierarchy , it is thought to be a crown of womanhood , but again , that's mostly from social forces , women who are a a type of go-with-the-flow and are more flexible , are much more welcomed in social circles . And again , a woman's need of belonging , like any other human beings , can fall into compromising your own values just to be able to belong .

So again , there will be times where you might not want to be agreeable at all and just want to practice your authority as an independent human being of making your own decisions . On other occasions you might want to be just completely agreeable and that's it , and they're both okay . Authority here does not mean your authority over controlling other human beings .

Authority here means what I described in the previous podcast . That has to do with your ability to make your own decisions , your own free will , and at no point I'm trying to convince you to be less or more agreeable .

I'm just asking you to choose it for yourself and choose it that your own mental wellness does not get compromised in the process , even if you consider yourself to be highly agreeable . You're just adopting another person's decision for yourself and again , that's okay .

I just ask that you do it as a conscious decision and you don't do it at the cost of yourself . Let's say , in a married situation , husband wants a staycation , but you want to travel . Again , you as a woman has the authority to happily forego your choice , and many times he does the same thing .

But situations like this push human beings in classic black and white thinking . In those situations , our mind offers us that he is controlling . He never wants to do what I want to do , he doesn't like to travel , but I do . It's all good and dandy .

But you have to remember these are all your thoughts , being generated by your brain , thoughts that might not be helping you in the situation , orandy , but you have to remember these are all your thoughts , being generated by your brain , thoughts that might not be helping you in the situation .

Or let's say you want to travel for the weekend and the family says no . How agreeable are you to accepting their decision as yours ? Again , this is where most of us slip into black and white thinking you versus them . Do you want to travel out of rebellion , out of comparison ? Others get to do it and I don't . Are you doing it out of inspiration ?

You want to learn from other places , cultures , people ? Or you're doing it out of the Quranic invitation of exploration and curiosity ? Do you want to do it because going away helps you calm down your own nervous system ? None of these reasons are morally superior or invalid . I just want you to get very clear on what your reason is .

You might be frustrated at your level of agreeableness because when you're doing it at your own expense , you will tend to blame your husband or your family for it . Husband , family will act the way they do , but it is up to you to make it mean what you want . When you think to yourself they're just trying to control me .

But it is up to you to make it mean what you want when you think to yourself they're just trying to control me . Your brain will get primed to look for all the ways they're controlling you . Thoughts create your actions , subconscious thoughts create your subconscious actions and in this case , your brain will be collecting evidence .

In all the other ways they're controlling you , and the way the brain presents this evidence can be very biased and very far removed from reality , ironically , all of it being caused by your thoughts . Maybe their intention is to control you . I'm not saying it's not .

Maybe they're trying to do that by not letting you travel , by not letting you study or by making you study more than you want to . Maybe they woke up that morning and said to themselves I want to control this woman and I will assert myself over her , over anything she requests .

That is possible , of course , but what is also possible is that they love you and maybe they're uncomfortable because of their own fears of the unknowns of traveling or what will happen if you don't study more . I don't know what's happening in their brains , just like you don't know what's happening in their brains .

What I'm trying to tell you is that you get to choose the way you think about their behavior . However you choose to think about their actions is what you will create in your entire experience . And if you do it this way , being agreeable without resentfulness will be impossible . So again , a reminder agreeableness and authority . Find balance between the two .

Not to be done by wronging yourself , not to be done by erasing your own experience , constantly asking yourself am I willingly agreeable here , or do I want to claim my authority as my own decision maker ? Discomfort of disagreement comes from a lifetime of practicing agreeableness only , and this is at the expense of your own desires .

And then , on top of that , you have this fear that you cannot disagree respectfully . You can disagree and be totally in love with the other person . It is a skill , a new neural wiring that might need to be developed for you , and for that I want you to do this exercise .

I do this exercise with a lot of open-ended questions and it's extremely revealing for me . It helps me access my wisdom deep inner wisdom , not just my left brain .

Logical intelligence and , yes , those are two different things , and if you don't know what those differences are , email me and ask me about getting on a consult , or make an appointment through my website where we can get on a consult call and I can explain to you something called soulful intelligence . That is a part of my EMW program .

Soulful intelligence is about gaining deep inner wisdom rather than just tapping into your intelligence or your IQ . So anyways , coming back to the point , ask yourself open-ended questions like this one . How can I disagree with respect ? And when you ask that for yourself , write the answers for three minutes .

The brain's going to throw glitches like the Wi-Fi is slow , but all you have to do is keep writing during that time . Don't slow down to think . If you stop to think , then you'll be contemplating objections to the answers that are coming for you .

All you have to do is just write for three minutes and all you're trying to be creative about is how to disagree respectfully . Then , after the three minutes are up , take a break . Get up , walk around , and this physical movement is extremely important . Come back to what you wrote after five minutes an hour a day , whatever it takes .

But the point is that you have to give yourself a break of physical movement . This disengages your train of thought that you were using while answering the questions , so then you can come back to the answers that you wrote and reflect on them with less bias . So the question was how can I disagree with respect ?

What this question does is that it solves for the bitterness that you might be feeling and helps you release any pent-up energy . What you don't want to do is come to a disagreement while trying to keep the other person comfortable . Other person's comfort or discomfort is not in your control . How the other person feels is not in your control .

How you show up respectfully or disrespectfully , what you are feeling during the disagreement is in your control . How you show up respectfully or disrespectfully , what you are feeling during the disagreement is in your control and luckily , that is all you need control over to disagree respectfully .

Open-ended questions like this and writing exercises help a lot if you're trying to solve for an extreme form of agreeableness . Extreme agreeableness is a painful way to live , just like extreme form of anything or any personality trait is detrimental Because , again , women are socialized to believe that everyone else's opinion is more important than theirs .

This way , they're always looking to agree with others , just so they can be accepted and feel validated . The good news is that you need to validate yourself , and that's it you need to support and respect validated . The good news is that you need to validate yourself , and that's it you need to support and respect yourself .

Other open-ended questions in these exercises are what are my needs in this disagreement ? Or how can I become really clear on my values here ? Write your answers for three minutes and reflect back after a physical break Now with any of these questions

. If you've been overly agreeable all your life , then standing up for your values during a disagreement will be uncomfortable , especially in the beginning . There's no question about it and I will not sugarcoat it , but that's okay . You are creating new neural wiring that didn't exist before .

That in itself comes at a price of discomfort and , trust me , the sensations of discomfort in your body are not detrimental to your health . In this setting , not going through this exercise and constantly living in extreme agreeableness and resentment is detrimental . Ask yourself what are my needs in this disagreement ?

Write out the answers and do this exercise before you anticipate a disagreement , or start by reflecting on past disagreements . This way , when a future occasion shows up , you will be well rehearsed on how to deal with it .

Initially , some brain errors that might happen will be that your brain will go to the other person is making me uncomfortable , and they should stop . The other person again is not in your control . They cannot make you uncomfortable . They are a circumstance . The other person doesn't cause your discomfort . Your thoughts about them or the situation causes it .

So again , like I said , alhamdulillah , through the will of Allah , I enjoy a great work-life balance . I created that through a conscious balance of agreeableness that I enjoy and assertiveness . That , again , doesn't come naturally to me , but I have to practice it on a daily basis . This so that people don't take advantage of me in a professional setting .

Also , you're not going to feed my child a sugary snack for dinner . That is not going to happen and I still love you . When I'm practicing a high level of agreeableness , I tend to compromise more . I avoid conflict , but sometimes conflict is what you need so you can teach others how to treat you .

Agreeableness will not serve you if you cannot tell them their behavior , their remark or their action towards you are inappropriate . On one hand , having a high level of agreeableness allows me to be at a great advantage , because it allows me to be a good listener and effective communicator with others .

It builds strong community and professional relationships , but too much of it will make me quick to compromise and avoid conflict . In that case , I may find myself in situations where I'm not standing up for my own rights or beliefs which again happens quite often and I just get to do the work which is ongoing work in progress .

Islam actually gives women a great deal of freedom and respect , so I get this objection a lot . Where the question is whether or not Islam takes away the freedom of women , the answer is a resounding no . In Islam , women have the right to own property , to receive education , to work outside the home and to make decisions about their own lives .

Women don't have to take their husband's last names . They don't have to contribute financially to the household if they choose not to . It is important to note that in some cultures and communities , cultural practices and traditions may be interpreted as taking away women's freedom .

This again , like I always say in my podcasts , is not a reflection of Islam itself , but rather of cultural practices that are not in line with the teachings of Islam . Islamic principles are what they are . Our interpretations of these rules defined in the Quran and Sunnah is what causes our restriction or liberation .

I choose to think Islamic rules are designed to protect and empower women , not restrict us . Quran says there is no compulsion in religion . Surah Baqarah , ayah 256 . This means that you , as a woman , have the right to make your own decisions and act as you choose , without being forced or coerced . Now let me make something very clear .

Coercion is not a circumstance . It is not factual . Coercion is usually your interpretation of somebody else's actions towards you . They are coercing me to act this way , which is a thought which will make you feel coerced , and your actions that come from the feelings will align with being coerced .

Women that practice a good grip of their authority will disregard attempts at coercion and create their own path . If you're acting out of coercion , that is your action . That only happens after you believe it . With your own thoughts , you feel coerced and you act coerced . You have a lot of choice in the matter and how you think about it .

So now I'm going to take a minute to present a question that was recently sent to me , and I appreciate this sister being open and vulnerable with me .

But I did need to give you guys some context of authority , as I described in podcast 117 , and agreeableness , as I describe it here , and all of this context was needed just so I could give this question its due justice . Sister says my biggest frustration is the lack of autonomy I have as a Muslim woman .

I'm 27 , and I feel like my wings have been clipped . Trying to follow Islamic principles , I'm constantly treated like a child who cannot make her own decisions , or I am told to make decisions under fear , for example .

Well , if you decide to leave this house and move out , you have to live with the consequences of all of the negative experiences that will happen , such as life experiences I've seen other females go through .

We can also argue about social programming all we want , but the reality is I cannot get up to travel or have freedom because I am a woman and get told , using Islamic rulings , that this is not permissible , etc . How can we feel confident in ourselves when autonomy is only really allowed for women through quote-unquote circumstances . And that was her question .

And that is a beautiful question and I wanted to give it some time because this is something that I know resonates with a lot of women out there . So , again , thank you for sending this . So , after all , you've learned meaning your feelings and emotions being caused by your thoughts .

When you say your biggest frustration is a lack of autonomy , I will say that your emotion of frustration is coming from the thought that you have a lack of autonomy . Only few facts in this whole paragraph is that you're a 27-year-old Muslim woman . The rest of it is your interpretation of the facts , of other people's behaviors .

If you think to yourself my wings are being clipped trying to follow Islamic principles , then that's what you will create in your actions . Most likely and I'm guessing , if you're thinking to yourself my wings are being clipped , the emotion will be of helplessness or something of the like , and from helplessness in your action line you will create more helplessness .

So I will offer you to try and separate yourself from this experience . You are not your thoughts , you are not your emotions of helplessness or frustration . You are someone who is experiencing them . So , going on to the next point , if somebody actually said these words .

If you decide to leave this house and move out , you will have to live with all of the consequences of all the negative experiences that will happen . If somebody actually said that to you while you're expressed your wishes to move out , then this becomes a circumstance and the circumstances are neutral .

Words coming out of somebody else's mouth , regardless of their relationship with you , are neutral . That means they're outside of your control and you get to choose to think about them the way you want .

In this case , you're giving me evidence that their words are true and you have believed it because you told me that life experiences I've seen other females go through , meaning you've collected evidence that if a woman moves out , she goes through a lot of negative experiences .

So in this case , you've believed the person who told you this fact from your own life experiences , which is your choice . I will again remind you that life is always 50-50 . You will have negative experiences while you're living in your parents' house . You will have negative experiences while you're living independently . The ratio does not change .

It will be 50% positive , 50% negative . It is up to you to decide how you want to experience life in your parents' house or living independently , and that is a choice you get to make .

I will warn you , though a lot of times people try to change their circumstances , meaning they change their jobs , or they try to move out , or they get a divorce , or they want to get married , because they think life will be better there than it is here , and that is an illusion . Life again , is never 100% well and good .

You will have negative experiences , no matter where you choose to live . If you're trying to escape the current situation with a mismanaged mind , your mind will create negative experiences after you've escaped that .

So right now , with the family , with people telling you these things , is your golden opportunity to find the neutrality in the circumstances , to find the freedom in your thought processes , in your mind , in your choice , in your mind , in your choice , and when , and only when , you're able to see the point of your control being your thoughts , and you're able to

create your emotions at your will , rather than assigning them to your relatives , like in this case , you've assigned your frustration to what your relatives have said . Once you're able to come out of that trap , then you're allowed to change your circumstances , because this is the curriculum that life has handed you .

This is where you practice your skill of agreeableness and authority , of disagreeing with respect , while feeling love for your family members , and this is where you get to practice the questions I gave you .

And that leads me to your last and final question , which is how can we feel confident in ourselves when autonomy is only really allowed for women through circumstances ? You cannot feel confident with a thought like that .

If you are believing that autonomy is only allowed through circumstances , then your autonomy has been assigned to people outside of you , which is never the case , which here is the biggest learning point . For you to feel confident , you have to generate thoughts that create confidence , and that's it , and this is where your creativity lies .

So , inshallah , that helps answer that question , and I thank you again for sending this in , because I know this helped a lot of other Muslim women With that . I want to end this episode with a dua oh Allah , the most merciful and compassionate . I want to end this episode with a dua oh Allah , the most merciful and compassionate .

We ask you to bless us with the qualities of agreeableness and authority in a balanced way , so that we may navigate through life with wisdom and grace . Help us to be kind and gentle with those around us , while also standing firm in our convictions , asserting our rights when necessary .

Let us not compromise our values or integrity for the sake of pleasing others , but also let us not be harsh or unyielding in our dealings with them . Guide us to the middle path of righteousness and make us a role model for others to follow .

Grant us the strength and courage to face any challenge that comes our way and to overcome it with dignity and perseverance , for indeed you are all-hearing , all-knowing and all-powerful , and I rest all of my hopes and duas with you . Ameen , ya Rabbul Ameen , please keep me in your duas . I will talk to you guys next time .