Simplicity of Self Coaching

Previously I've done podcasts like Smartphone , mental Health and Basics of the Model , including my very first episode of Introduction to the Life Coaching Model . I revisit the basic tool of my teaching from time to time and today we are going to approach this topic from another angle . A brief review for first-time listeners .

Ctfar is a formula we use at Islamic Life Coach School . The C is the circumstance that is outside of us , outside of our control and always neutral . Depending on the circumstance , our brain generates thoughts . These thoughts are either of the higher brain or the lower brain origin . That's the T line .

Thoughts lead to feelings that are emotions and vibrations in our body . That's the F for feelings . Feelings fuel our actions . That's the A line , and all of that leads to the results we are creating with our life , which is the R line C-T-F-A-R . It always happens in this order .

This is an extremely simple rendering of everything that happens to us in our life , and the reason behind this simplification is so we can make it applicable to improve our lives . So this model in its purest form , is the most powerful and the most elegant . You use this tool to drop deeper into your life .

For this model to work , you need to utilize a powerful skill of watching yourself think . When you understand that the human brain can observe itself , you understand the power behind it . Most of the time we think it's something some people are born with , like some people can twist their tongue or some people can turn their thumb backwards .

This observation of thought is not a talent just for a few . Everyone has that capacity . And it's not a talent just to have . It's a powerful way to live your life . Observing your mind is a potent tool that mostly goes underutilized . We have to use observation of our mind to our benefit .

And even more powerful than that realization is the timing of that observation is under our control . You can observe your thoughts at any time , at your discretion , kind of like turning a light switch on and off . This is the skill of metacognition .

Dr Zuhair Abdul Rahman , a practicing physician with Ijazah , in Hadith , which is also a license , he says that in over 750 places the Quran directs the human being to think , ponder , reflect , listen and observe . He also says the process of thinking about thoughts is a higher order form of thinking that determines how we interpret the world around us .

The cognitive strategy we choose to undertake in a given situation involves a metacognition choice that will dictate the quality and quantity of knowledge we can abstract from it . Oof so powerful , the choice of metacognitions will determine the quality of our knowledge . That's some deep stuff right there .

Through the power of observation of our thoughts , we can determine the quality of our knowledge and , in turn , our life experience . And the Quran mentions that power 750 times . I'm going to add here that the observation of a thought is the beginning of character improvement and this is the beginning of real work .

My mission in life is to make mental health as accessible as possible , but the actual drive to do the mental health work has to come from the individual . There is no quick fix , no smooth sailing process . Through this , quran urges you to do it 750 times .

This is the process of self-discovery , to recognizing of the inner self and the true acceptance of the inner self .

When you observe your thoughts and learn that your thoughts generate feelings , drive actions and create results , you get to discover that you are repeatedly creating your own result being overweight , unable to find a spouse , being in financial scarcity , emotional abuse by in-laws all are results you're creating , consciously or subconsciously .

Before people are educated that their thoughts create their feelings and that they can observe , change and direct those thoughts , they are living their lives unconsciously Under this premise . People are going on thinking thoughts and believing that they are factual observations of the world . They are under the impression that those thoughts are not optional . Life is hard .

That's a thought . If this seems like a fact to you , please re-evaluate . As coaches , we need to hear the person say it one time my business is failing , I don't have concentration in my prayers , my boss is nasty to me , and as coaches , we know that this is the result the clients are creating . Circumstance is your qadr .

It is outside of you , outside of your control . It has nothing to do with your result . Many people giving the same qadr create a completely different result .

Once people start using the power of observation or metacognition , they can intellectually understand that they're having negative thoughts about their qadr , about their circumstance , and that places them in a position to actually do something about it .

Once people start recognizing that they're having negative thoughts that are creating their negative results , they want to annihilate these thoughts . They want to destroy them out of existence , but that backfires because that in turn creates resistance to change .

Meaningful change can only be created once you understand the source of the problem , the source of those thoughts . Dirt will always collect behind the couch , but understanding the source of dirt is important , rather than destroying the dirt and destroying the couch and pretending it was never there .

In your attempt to destroy the negative thoughts , you will not get to find out what the source of it all is and it just simply doesn't work . The dirt will keep collecting . When you truly understand that the circumstance and qadr is neutral , the thoughts create your feelings .

When you truly understand that you don't need to scramble for a new thought , you'll have an epiphany the moment you realize your circumstance is neutral and your thoughts are optional . At that point you will not need to destroy all the negative thoughts . You can just easily let them go . This is a seamless process .

There's no resistance , there's no need to suppress thoughts , there's no sense of urgency . Once you truly understand the neutrality behind the circumstance and the qadr , you are able to gently let that negative thought go . You will not be in a hurry to find a replacement thought .

So my tip to the first timers is don't be in a hurry to create a brand new thought , even though it can seem effective and it seemingly creates a lot of momentum . If you do it like this , you'll miss out on a real learning opportunity . The real learning opportunity here is that all the circumstances are neutral . All of your qadr is neutral .

Your boss is neutral . Your bank account is neutral . The number on the scale is neutral . Your in-laws are neutral . Your bank account is neutral . The number on the scale is neutral . Your in-laws are neutral . If you don't embody that neutrality in everything you do , you will constantly be trying to find positive replacement thoughts about these circumstances .

You will never get to find out the source of this dirt that keeps collecting into your clean house . Is it coming from an open window from the past ? Is it a present situation or person in your life ? Is it your outlook on the future ? Maybe your opinion about the future is bleak and you have feelings of hopelessness and despair .

Identifying the source of these thoughts is the real work here . Identifying that your thought life is hard is causing your result of life being hard . Question yourself why do you believe that ? What is that stemming from ? You can very easily find a replacement thought like no . Life is not hard , life is just peachy .

You can scramble to find a new thought , but it's temporary . You will have to go from thought to thought , among thousands of thoughts a day , in an attempt to switch one negative thought out for a positive one . Imagine the amount of work you've created here . It will be exhausting and not sustainable .

It will be inefficient , not to mention your brain will not believe all the happy-go-lucky thoughts you're trying to feed it . It will put up resistance . Imagine finding a negative thought and trying to destroy it . It's like playing whack-a-mole they keep popping up and you get tired of whacking them down .

Instead , with coaching , we can unplug the source of this whack-a-mole gaming console In a coach-client relationship . We dig to the source of these negative thoughts and we will pull the plug out . We poke holes in the belief system until it is no longer source of these negative thoughts and we will pull the plug out .

We poke holes in the belief system until it is no longer source of ongoing negative thoughts . The dirt stops collecting , the molds stop popping up . So when you learn this formula , don't get fancy too fast . Look at the models you are currently running in your life and observe them with curiosity , interest and understanding .

See if , instead of destroying each negative thought , you can identify the source of it . This is real deep work . Coaches provide a safe space for you to explore all of that , and truly transformational changes happen during coaching . Because of this process , my mother ruined my life , I had an abusive childhood , I can never get out of debt .

All are your thoughts , but presented to you by your brain as facts . We live our lives according to these quote-unquote truths without ever questioning it . Ask yourself is this what I want to continue to think ? Is this the life I really want ? We as humans get locked into a detrimental self-sabotaging cycle .

This will continue until you observe and question your thoughts . You get locked in into this negative pattern of life , one negative model after another . This is how your brain's wiring gets more and more solidified into the same pattern of thinking .

Let me take a moment here to explain to you some scientific background , so next time you go down the rabbit hole of negative thinking , you know exactly why this is happening .

After birth , humans go through a process of synaptic pruning , and this is pretty much what it says . Our brain's neurons are like a bush that is growing wildly in all directions . The brain prunes itself to look clean and tidy . The brain prunes neuronal connections to get rid of extra pathways , to make things more efficient for itself .

The pathways of neurons that are not used get pruned away and the pathways that are used get solidified . So synaptic pruning mostly occurs in early adolescence . This is partly the reason why it is so difficult to break away from childhood experiences like my mother ruined my life or I had an abusive childhood .

But this is a process that continues all throughout our lives . Another process that happens to keep the brain efficient is through insulating the neurons that are well used to make them conduct information faster . There's a fancy type of cell in the brain called the oligodendrocyte that gives the neurons a covering called the myelin sheath .

When more and more neurons of a certain thought patterns are used , they get well insulated , making them conduct information extremely rapidly .

When we go through most of our lives , repeating to ourselves , when we go through most of our lives , repeating to ourselves life is hard , I am not good with money , I can't keep a steady job we are making these neurons fire rapidly every time we think this thought and the next time they fire more rapidly and efficiently , because that's the brain's job , until it

starts to seem like a fact to you . This is more clear from an example of memorization . When you are trying to memorize something new , you don't have any neurons in that pathway , but with repeated memorization and recall techniques , the information becomes more available to you .

That is because , through the process of pruning and oligodendrocytes , making the used neuron faster , you're able to access that information more rapidly . Those pathways get solidified , so previous neurons that were not as efficient in the process of recall become much more quick . This is how , with practice and repetition , the process of recall becomes much easier .

The same process happens with your thoughts . If you're operating from the thought that your in-laws are evil people , which actually is a thought , but since you repeated it to yourself so many times , it is presented to you like a fact . Those brain pathways are solidified thanks to synaptic pruning and oligodendrocytes .

I am really sure that your in-laws will not agree that they're evil , making it your opinion , making it your thought , and it is not a fact . Besides these anatomical changes , there are many other changes that happen in the brain to keep it more efficient .

But again , in the spirit of keeping everything simple and applicable , I only mention things that I think will help you guys . All of these processes follow one general rule you use it or you lose it . That's the pattern the brain follows to keep its neurons efficient . So these negative thoughts , on repeat , get locked into your brain .

The whole process becomes extremely efficient and we get used to being in a negative state and we start believing that that's just the default . That's just how life is . Luckily for us , this whole process is reversible .

You just have to start with metacognition , start with the observation and questioning of each thought , start with one model and be curious about it . This way , you're opening your brain pathways up to a different possibility . You are becoming more receptive to change towards a new life .

And this is not just for people who have had perfect childhoods , that had unconditionally attentive mothers , or that were born into wealth , or people that have angels for in-laws . It is not just reserved for people other than you . The good life becomes a possibility for you . Your qadr is outside of your control .

That is your circumstance , that is a fact of life . That is what Allah has decreed for you . That qadr is your in-laws , the number of children you have or don't have , your marital status , your employment status . All of those are neutral circumstances . It only creates a negative result , depending on what thought you are assigning to that qadr .

That same qadr can become a test from Allah or a blessing . All depends on the meaning you are giving it through your brain . The same brain that functions based on two sources of thoughts the higher brain , which is the voice of the ruh or the spirit , or the lower brain , voice of the nafs or shaitan . So to summarize step one identify your circumstance .

Step two practice that it's neutral . Step three identify what thoughts are creating your results . Step four get to the bottom of the source of these thoughts . You might need a coach for this step . Alternative to this step four is that you can replace a negative thought with a different one and call it a day .

This can effectively create a change which is temporary , but it is ineffective in creating a transformation which is long-lasting . Step five is practice the new thought until the old neuronal connections break and new ones form .

Step six is to enjoy a fulfilling life , inshallah . This process is simple but not easy . Quran tells you 750 times , in some shape or form , to embark on this process . There's no quick fix or a pill that I have or anyone else has for that matter , to hasten this process . That is the promise that Allah SWT made to us .

If we struggle through this life the right way , there is Jannah at the end of it . That is the challenge of a true believer , isn't it ? What are you making your circumstances mean ? What are you doing with what you are given ? I pray that we all find Jannah through our circumstances , through our apparent struggles .

I pray that we become active participants in shaping our lives , rather than taking the cowardly way of blaming Qadr . May Allah protect us from this ghafla , or ignorance . May Allah give us the right guidance and make us of those who are on the straight path . May Allah give us strength to start this journey and to stay on it for as long as we live . Ameen .

I will talk to you guys next time .