Self-Compassion Fatigue

Today we're going to talk about the concept of compassion fatigue , which is usually defined as diminished ability to empathize or feel compassion for others . Compassion fatigue is actually a term that describes a physical , emotional , psychological impact of helping others , often through the experiences of stress or trauma . It can be mistaken for burnout .

Now , with these definitions , can compassion fatigue apply to yourself ? Like can you be in compassion fatigue for yourself , especially if you're recovering from a trauma , in which case you would need to rely on others to provide you with that compassion ?

Sometimes you can't find compassion for yourself in your marriage , in your parenthood spirituality or in your career , because you're dealing with trauma in one or more of these situations . When you can't find compassion for yourself , there's a strong possibility that you need to process trauma in any or each of these fields .

Trauma in any or each of these fields , trauma itself renders us less capable of cultivating our own compassion and puts us in compassion fatigue a lot quicker . First and foremost , I cannot emphasize enough the need and the importance of cultivating compassion for ourselves .

That directly affects our ability to have compassion for others , especially when it comes to being in service of others , even more so when it comes to taking care of children or family members . Children can see you not having compassion for yourself .

They observe you being your own worst critic and your own judge , jury and executioner , and they internalize that behavior that shapes a whole new generation to be stuck in the same pattern . Compassion fatigue is what sets in . When your inner critic is really loud and always at work , your self-compassion tires out .

One of the questions I was trying to answer for the longest time is can you find self-compassion in each and every situation , even trauma , or is there a point where you need compassion from outside of you , like from a support group , friends , spouse or a licensed mental health professional ? Is there a point where self-compassion completely runs out ?

And what I didn't realize in asking this question is that I was making a very common mistake , and that is that I was a victim of good old black and white thinking . The question I was asking is at what point do you have no compassion left for yourself because of a trauma ? At what point do you absolutely need outside help ?

How much trauma is enough to leave someone completely void of self-compassion , and what amount of trauma can leave some compassion for yourself ? Nothing , as usual , is black and white , it's just gray . Maybe you have some compassion remaining for yourself in some areas of life and not others .

Like you are a really staunch critic of yourself when it comes to your parenting skills , or you are very harsh to yourself when you make an error in your studies or in your career , you might have roots in any of these fields coming from your trauma , but you might also be more forgiving of yourself in other areas , like gardening or cooking , or studying or

driving . You let go of more of your mistakes and you are more flexible in learning and progressing in these fields , because maybe that's not where your trauma lies and you have not tied your previous experiences to these other fields .

So the call to action here is notice , in what fields are you more self-compassionate and in what fields are you in complete compassion fatigue for yourself and in what fields are you in complete compassion fatigue for yourself ?

Point here is if you can identify that you can be gentler and forgiving for yourself in some areas , that would mean that you are not a lost cause . You have some self-compassion left . The gene is working fine . Well , actually there is no gene that codes for self-compassion , so don't go start looking for it .

So then you can borrow that same talent and nurture self-compassion in areas where your brain allows absolutely no wiggle room . You have to start that practice . Another theme I keep running into is that people say we have to have support when it comes to recovery from trauma .

Yeah , yes , it is true that we are biologically wired to be social creatures and to need a community around us . We can use this community to perceive compassion from others for ourselves . Notice how I said perceive compassion , because if you're recovering from a tragedy , then of course you will need a community to help you through .

But that perception of compassion from others is still dependent on you , so it can then translate into self-compassion . Other people showing compassion to you is a circumstance . It's outside of you . Presence or absence of a strong support system is your qadr . It is what you make . It mean is what matters , and that is entirely up to you .

There can be two case scenarios . Imagine you are in a place where , no matter what anyone says to help you recover , they try to convince you whatever happened was a mistake everyone messes up or it was a tragedy . It wasn't your fault .

If you are not ready to perceive that compassion , there's no way you will believe them and there is no way that will convert into self-compassion . So the perception of that compassion still remains your responsibility , meaning there is no compassion chemical that can jump from somebody else's body into yours giving you a boost of compassion .

You still have to receive it coming from somebody else through your own thought filters . I say a group and a community support is a huge plus and a big blessing , but there are some of us who feel very alone fighting our battles . So it becomes very , very important to nurture self-compassion and recognize when you are in compassion fatigue .

Social support is needed , yes , but self-support is a requirement for healing . The opposite side of the coin is also true , meaning you can perceive compassion coming at you from all different places , even if you're fighting your battles alone without any social support . And , like the rest of the world , again , there is no black and white , it's just gray .

The answer lies in that there are people who can practice self-compassion in the most severe circumstances , and then there are people who need a support system in place at the slightest notion of an obstacle . Like always , there is a middle path that is recommended . What you absolutely need is clarity and insight .

If you are coming into compassion fatigue , then you can ask yourself is this the compassion that I can provide myself , or is that something I need communal support for ? There is an upside and a downside to seeking compassion from somewhere outside of you as well as from just within you .

If you can't find compassion for yourself and you're constantly fed that you have to have a support system , chances are you would have given all of your healing power away to an outside entity . To a lot of people in this world that outside support doesn't even exist .

It's sad to say , but mental health counseling is not a universal privilege that every human being enjoys . Even though the philosophy of coaching is making it more accessible to more and more people , that support still remains outside of the realms of reality for many . Restore your own healing , then look for others to help you restore further .

That is the best case scenario . I attended a coaching mastermind and seasoned coaches kept repeating that most common theme among their clients is that they are so very hard on themselves . Clients are constantly judging themselves . One coach went as far as saying that everyone is dealing with that self-critic in some shape or form , and these are all non-Muslims .

But this idea is translated in our religion through the concept of our nafs and the wasfasa of shaitan , where he will be our worst self-critic . If you can level up the skill of being more compassionate towards yourself , you will have an upper hand on most of this world's population .

Also , it will give you more self-confidence , because otherwise you can be a target of further manipulation by others , like family friends , therapists , even life coaches , either on purpose or inadvertently . If you are always looking for that healing from outside of you , you can be easily manipulated into living someone else's life .

You might at that point be following somebody else's dreams .

Most lay people and unskilled professionals help others out by giving advice , and if you are in compassion fatigue for yourself and rely on others to give you that boost , that advice , they can easily send you in the wrong direction , which is not the path meant for you , especially if you're constantly taking advice from others .

So it becomes very , very important to have that self-respect , that self-worth , that self-love . Identify it even before you try to look for help from outside , at each and every point in time , when you are lacking compassion , experiencing compassion fatigue , especially for yourself . You have a choice to make . Ask yourself am I enough to heal myself ?

Do I need help ? If I do need help , where can I find it that is going to be effective and safe for me ? Who can I be vulnerable with that is not going to put me in a deeper hole or hurt me more ? Ideally , you have a combination of both .

Ideally , you have achieved some level of self-compassion , worked through the fatigue , after identifying it , and reached to a point of understanding that your struggles are independent of you as a human .

Your struggles do not mean that there is anything innately wrong about you or with you , and with all of that , you have found a tribe to help you support through the struggle .

If you take anything out of this podcast , just remember identify when you are relying on an outside source to find compassion for yourself and when you are solely relying on that , because that can be very detrimental . Always identify when you are in a place to be able to receive compassion from others .

Always identify when you are in a place to be able to receive compassion from others . This combination of self-compassion and being able to receive compassion from others will bring you clarity and you'll be better equipped for healing . And in that case it is also important to remember that that external force will be less likely to take advantage of you .

You will be more vigilant and you will stick up for yourself . You will advocate for yourself , you will have your own back At any point in time if something is not going right .

Your gut will tell you I do not deserve this kind of treatment , and you will be more equipped to walk away because you will always have that self-compassion to rely on , because you will always have that self-compassion to rely on .

Experiencing any type of struggle death of a loved one , losing a job , not finding the right spouse , being stagnant in your career , struggling with studies any of these struggles can be very lonely , especially when you're embarking on a self-development journey based on this struggle .

These struggles can be related to life-threatening , traumatizing events , or they can be related to just having a leaky faucet . Again , emotional trauma is what you perceive to be traumatic , not necessarily what others agree to be traumatic for you or not .

What I mean by a leaky faucet struggle is that you are otherwise living a privileged life , but there are little things around you that pose a struggle for you , in this case in the first world country , and most of my clients are in severe dilemma because they think that they have every privilege under the sun and they have no right to have struggles , but

knowing that they're still having problems and their biggest struggle is about having problems with the struggle , it's like a double whammy . You're creating a struggle on top of the struggle To snap out of that cycle . Just know that your struggle doesn't have to be around abuse , rape , murder or poverty .

Your struggle can be daily , mundane nuances , like a leaky faucet or cold coffee . You can use any of these perceived problems as an invitation to start your self-development journey . No matter how you come to this journey , you have to go through it to empower yourself .

That is just the design of Allah , that's the sunnah of Allah , so you can recognize the bigger picture , ask and answer the more existential questions of life , like why are you even here ? What is the meaning of life ?

So , when you are on this journey and you are experiencing compassion fatigue and you are not finding a good resource to rely on for your strength , one person you can constantly bet on is yourself , because that self-compassion is a muscle that you can develop . You will always be there for yourself .

If you cannot find self-compassion in a given moment , then distance yourself from that event and then work on finding neutrality in that situation . If you can't distance yourself physically , then distance yourself mentally . Borrow self-compassion from other fields of your life and plug it into the areas where you're having difficulty being gentle with yourself .

Always remember everything that happens outside of you is neutral . Your qadr is neutral . Your mind is what assigns meanings to these things that are happening around you . If the meaning your brain is creating in any given situation is through compassion fatigue , your mind is what assigns meanings to these things that are happening around you .

If the meaning your brain is creating in any given situation is through compassion fatigue , then distance yourself from that moment . Practice this skill until you can start seeing some space between your stimulus and your reaction . Use that space to find self-compassion and to restore from compassion fatigue . Human beings are extremely resilient creatures .

Even if you think you have nothing left , you always have some room to find that compassion for yourself . If you rely solely on that external validation to get you out of your problems , that can be very detrimental . Every time you find a problem in your life , you will look to the outside of you to have it solved .

Also , allow yourself to be in compassion fatigue . It's okay if you ran out of energy to restore yourself . The worst thing you can do about it is judge yourself for not having enough energy all the time . That will cause insult to injury .

Identify the timeline when you are in compassion fatigue and give yourself permission to go through that . If nothing else is available to you , just be curious about it . Curiosity is my best friend . It always saves me in times of compassion fatigue . I pray to Allah , subhanahu wa ta'ala , that he helps us find love within ourselves , for ourselves .

It is only through self-love and self-compassion that we can recognize the love of Allah for us . Please make du'a for me . If you can identify with any of these topics and you think that you're stuck in your life , unable to grow , then make a free consultation appointment at IslamicLifeCoachSchoolcom with me .

The reward of disarming that reptilian brain , that constant self-critic that burns through your self-compassion energy like wildfire , when you can learn to quiet that shaitan's voice , it is so , so rewarding . It is a far greater skill to learn than any other skill that is taught in schools .

So book your appointment today and let's see how we can start bringing you out of your compassion fatigue . Inshallah , I will talk to you guys next time .