Responsibility

Recently , I asked you guys to send in some comments , questions or suggestions , and I really appreciate everyone that has left me a message , especially the ones that left a review . It's because of these reviews that other people are able to find this podcast , so I really truly appreciate it .

I also got some great feedback , and I was able to answer some of your burning questions , but one thing that kept showing up , though , was about taking responsibility for your own emotions , and I want to elaborate on that subject today . So the question is what are your responsibilities ?

Is it doing the dishes , passing the final , delivering results with your team to upper management , or is it putting your seat belt on and being a safe driver ? Yes , those are responsibilities , but the biggest responsibility has to do with the definition of adulthood that you might not have yet heard . As adults , our emotions become our responsibility .

We are in charge of how we think , and we are in charge of how we feel . Examples like I'm upset because I found out there are other girls on my husband's Instagram . Underlying emotion might be jealousy showing up as upset or anger on surface , or I'm frustrated when employees keep quitting and it's hard to find decent help .

We are an adult acting like a child when we are blaming other people or other things for how we feel . Husbands' Instagram accounts or employees do not cause our emotions . There was a recent example that we discussed of a wet towel on a bathroom floor when I was delivering a webinar .

Like , if I find a wet towel on the bathroom floor after every time someone showers , then I will feel frustrated and angry . Taking responsibility for this frustration is being an adult , understanding that we are the owners of this thought process .

Taking responsibility for your emotions does not mean that you are to blame for having negative emotions , and this is one of the main distinctions between being a child and an adult .

You might be taught that being over 18 years of age or having a college degree or having a driver's license or a job or bills to pay makes you an adult , but you would be surprised how many people meet all of these definitions and yet act like children , and you know who I'm talking about when you go through a lifetime of blaming your husband or a lifetime

of blaming your work situations , and I tell you that your thinking is creating your emotions . Your first instinct will be to blame yourself . That is not what I'm saying here . I am saying frustration in these situations is your responsibility , it is not your fault .

And the difference is that you understand that your thinking is creating your frustration and you could change it if you wanted . When you're blaming yourself for the frustration , you don't give yourself a way to change it .

So again , taking the examples of the wet towel on the bathroom floor , if you think that's a problem and you would rather like a dried , clean towel hanging on the hook every time you come into the shower , you created the problem with the towel on the floor . The person who put that on the floor does not think it's a problem at all .

So the towel is not the problem . The person who left the towel on the bathroom floor is not the problem . The problem is being created with your mind , by the thinking and the language that tells you why don't people learn basic etiquettes ? Why do I have to be the one doing everything around the house ? This is the language that creates the problem .

So then I get asked . So you're telling me I shouldn't make it a problem . People can leave everything wherever they want . And you're telling me that I have to clean up after everyone . And on top of that , you're telling me that I shouldn't make it a problem . I'm not saying you should or shouldn't do something .

I'm not even saying that it's wrong to make it a problem . I'm saying that you take ownership of it . That is being a responsible adult . In coaching language , that's called emotional adulthood . Before a certain age , children do not have the ability to think about their own thinking .

Like I've mentioned before , that is the function of the prefrontal cortex , and until that part of the brain is fully developed , it is unfair for us to expect them to understand this relationship . So adults act as the substitute prefrontal cortex for children in their lives .

Imagine you are the one lending your higher brain to your child next time they have a meltdown . And some people are very mature for their age and develop this understanding quite early , even sometimes in their teenage years or earlier . And some people are well into their 30s and have no idea what I'm talking about .

Children think emotions are caused by everything that is happening to them . They didn't get candy , they have a meltdown . Screen time is cut short , they have a meltdown . This type of childhood also continues in adult Blaming others , blaming the government , blaming the environment , blaming the weather , the economy , the hijab .

This is a special type of childhood that can last years after you're already technically an adult . And this is such a disempowering thing because this is all victim mentality . We blame our mothers , we blame our ex-husbands , we blame our neighborhood , we blame our financial situation .

Emotional adulthood is taking responsibility for how you feel , independent of what someone else does or doesn't do , independent of anything that has happened to you in the past . That is taking responsibility . Now , mind you , making this distinction is no small feat . Your brain will retaliate . It will not want to go there , and that's okay .

For example , imagine your mother-in-law comes into your house unannounced and you're blaming her for disrespecting your privacy , and all of this might be making you feel frustrated and disappointed , angry or even anxious . The language in your brain is going to be my mother-in-law doesn't have any respect for anything . She's always invading my privacy .

In this case , you have assigned all of your emotional responsibility to your mother-in-law . Now your mother-in-law holds the keys to your emotions . She has full control of all of your buttons and is that the person you really want to hand all of that power to ? This is why being a real adult is extremely empowering .

You can take the keys back out of your mother-in-law's hands and bring them back in your possession by saying I'm thinking my mother-in-law is imposing on me , I'm thinking she's disrespecting my privacy . When you say that your thinking is causing your irritation , you've placed the power of control with your thinking . You've taken ownership of the situation .

Again , your brain will rebel . It will say so . You're saying this is my fault . It is not a fault , it is a responsibility . That is the true joy of being an adult , and making that distinction is extremely important .

Next time you act under the reflex of blaming the girls on Instagram for your jealousy , just think of who you have handed your emotional power to . Those are probably the last people on the planet that you want to give that power to . This podcast is not going to cover rulings around mixing with the opposite gender .

That is very clear in our religion and that's not going to be the topic of discussion here , because it's going to make this podcast really long if I went there . So I'm going to keep it focused on where your power lies and your power lies with taking responsibility .

And the reason overall this practice is very difficult to internalize is because when we are raised to blame others for our results and then we come to this practice and we want to take responsibility for our emotion and the first thing we default to is , instead of taking responsibility , we direct the blame towards ourselves .

So the blame and the regret and the guilt becomes internalized much quicker than the responsibility ever does . And that is not at all what I'm teaching . I very often fall for this trap . I absolutely act like a child at times , giving people and things around me power over my experience , and when I act from that place , I often regret my actions .

When I go groceries and forget one item , you should see the drama my brain creates . Also , especially while we're traveling , oh my God , I catch myself so many times just blaming and whining and screaming like a baby . So this is an ongoing practice for sure , especially if things are not going my way , but also when I recognize I'm acting like a child .

When I truly come into taking responsibility for my emotional life , I can make choices from such an empowered place and I can choose how I actually want to show up in a situation and how I want to feel and this is a big distinction for the emotional eaters out there .

This blaming is towards other people for always having food around , or this blaming is around the food industry . This is the toughest childhood pattern to break , because the food triggers us and thoughts that lead to this behavior are really subtle and they get buried deep into our subconsciousness until we start to believe that the food is controlling us .

And out of this childhood pattern , we eat like children also . We eat processed carbs , comfort foods . None of it provides any nutritional value , which we very well know on an intellectual level , and it's a fascinating pattern to watch . So in cases of emotional eaters , you have given your emotional responsibility to food .

Food is now responsible for your emotional life . Food is the answer when you're frustrated . Food is responsible when you're happy . But for some other people , it might be your husband the husband responsible for when I'm sad , husband responsible for when I'm jealous . Everything the husband does causes an emotion in me .

In cases like this , you will always be trying to control him . You're going to want to manipulate him into doing things and when he doesn't do them , you're going to feel very mad because all of your emotions are going to be dependent on how he acts . They're going to be all over the place because he holds the power to control your emotions .

He pushes the button . You feel the emotion . This is such a disempowered place and it's maddening because you can't control other people and they really don't like it when you try . The best place to come from in a relationship is when you both fully understand that your emotional responsibility is yours only . I'm not going to take control of your emotions .

You are not going to take control of mine . We are both going to meet our needs , because I can barely handle my own emotions , little less yours , of course . If you burden any relationship with this type of obligation , where you have to meet other person's emotional needs , it will crumble under the enormous weight of undue expectations .

No matter what you do , how you act , how deeply you care about someone , their emotions are their responsibility . So now some people will object and tell me if you're saying everyone is responsible for their own emotions , then aren't you abdicating responsibility of how they will treat other people ?

Meaning they're saying if I'm considering myself independent of how someone else feels , then what's to keep me from hurting them ? Or saying I didn't cause their hurt their own thoughts did . Technically , while that might be true , quite the opposite is what actually happens and I will explain why .

But first a little story . So you guys know , I live , eat , breathe and teach this work . And once I walked into my son's room and he was crying and my daughter said , mama , he feels very sad right now because his thoughts are causing his feelings . And I was so touched by this because I was finally able to impart some wisdom on my children .

And I was so touched by this because I was finally able to impart some wisdom on my children . And she was seeing it . It was such a proud moment until I asked my son why he's actually crying and he said that because she hit me . So she's standing there after hitting him , telling him that his thoughts are causing his emotions , not her .

And that's exactly the objection I get from the clients . So if I'm telling you your emotions are your responsibility and to everyone else belongs theirs . We are both generating our emotions independent of each other , through our thoughts .

Then what's to keep people mistreating others and abdicating responsibility for their actions , saying you cause your emotion with your thoughts , like my daughter did in this case ? And the answer is when you're acting like a real adult , taking responsibility for your own emotions . It comes with a deep understanding and an eye-opening transformation .

You start to realize that this is hard work and you don't act cruel or mean towards other people . You will recognize that this is not an upright way to act and you have other choices . You will start to act from your morals , the place of your fitra . You will choose to take the higher path . You will be closer to your essence .

You will not be reacting from a place to try and control them to make you feel better . You're not going to act like trying to punish them when they make you feel bad . No-transcript From the ownership of your own experience . You will turn your attention towards yourself where you have control , instead of manipulating others where you have no control .

You will be working on your own internal improvement . You will not be acting petty or mean or creating obstacles in other people's lives to make them miserable . Usually , when we are acting mean is because we are trying to punish them for how we feel . We are trying to control them . This only causes further pain .

So , contrary to popular belief , taking responsibility for your emotions does not lead to abdicating responsibilities towards others One lesson that my daughter is very much learning , and we've established strong accountability , so no hitting is the rule . It's always been the rule . She's such a gentle soul and she's extremely caring , alhamdulillah .

Taking this responsibility for your thoughts , your feelings and your actions does not mean you will not make mistakes , does not mean you will not apologize Just because you're not responsible for how they feel . You are responsible for how you behave . This is why we're told in Islam treat others with respect . Don't say even a word of disrespect towards your parents .

I mean , if what I said is universally true , you are not responsible for how anyone else feels Doesn't it mean I can do whatever I want ? Your actions make it hard or easy for others to think thoughts ? Some people are easily offended , some are not . They have different amounts of thought work to do to reach the same conclusion .

You are responsible for how much thought work you've created for them . When you act a certain way . If you know someone is easily offended about their height , then your responsibility is to stay off that topic around them . If you know someone who is 4'2 and is super comfortable , then you might act jokingly around them .

In either case , your actions are your responsibility , their emotions , theirs . If you unknowingly joked with someone who is sensitive about their height and you offended them , your responsibility is to apologize . Their responsibility is that they feel offended . Their responsibility is that they might or might not forgive .

Something similar used to be the case with me , and it was around cooking . I choose not to cook , but for the longest time it was such a sensitive topic for me . I mean , I can prepare a light meal , but I can't be found in the kitchen catering a three-course meal twice a day . That will not be me . So whenever someone at a party said what did you make ?

Or the food was so good , did you make all of this ? These words would hit me like a knife in my heart . But in all honesty and in their defense , I don't think anyone knew that they weren't supposed to be saying these things to me . It was just a secret manual of mine that I was keeping to myself and then judging them for their words .

But either way , their actions are their responsibility . My thoughts and feelings are mine . People in full emotional responsibility own up to their actions . They can see how their actions may have quote-unquote hurt someone . They will not have a tendency to say the reason I was acting like this is because you did this say .

The reason I was acting like this is because you did this . So learning to take your adult responsibility seriously , especially like I've described to you now , taking the responsibility for your emotional state , makes you a very responsible adult . It makes you an emotional adult . It does not make you abdicate responsibility towards others .

And remember if you turn to this work and the blame turns inwards and you find that you start blaming yourself for having these emotions , just turn to curiosity instead . Be fascinated , treat yourself with kindness and compassion when you figure out what thoughts are creating your emotions . Just hold them with curiosity .

This type of curiosity , kindness and compassion is the main reason we do this work . We have to develop that muscle . The real danger of abdicating responsibility comes when we behave like children , when we take actions that we end up regretting . That is the real threat . That is truly devil's work .

That is exactly where he wants us to stay stuck in a place where we're disillusioned that other people are making me act this way . They are not . Nobody is making you act anyway . Understanding that relationship is real adulthood .

Understanding that relationship is real adulthood Incidences that we regret later are greatly reduced when we act like an emotional adult , taking responsibility for our thinking , feeling and actions . My brain creates all of that , but if I do something that I regret later , I apologize . I take ownership Instead of blaming . I will say that outburst was totally on me .

I'm working on it . I'm improving . The reason I lied is because I wasn't taking responsibility for this . The reason I don't show up for meetings is because of this . The reason why I'm always late to playd meetings is because of this . The reason why I'm always late to play dates is because of this .

I was not taking responsibility for it , but I am taking responsibility now . My irritation , my responsibility , their actions , theirs . And you will see , even if people don't say this to you , they will hold you in so much more respect when they see this transformation in you , because this is a very powerful place to live from .

Behind the facade of blaming and pointing fingers , where shaitan wants us to stay is this empowered place of emotional responsibility . If you have any sensitivity about your children , that is your responsibility . If you have any sensitivity about your children , that is your responsibility . Other people's actions towards your children is their responsibility .

Once you can separate the two , you will be a much more empowered mother . Are you sensitive that your daughter has extra body hair , or are you sensitive about your husband's bald spot ? Those are yours to own . Other people's comments , half-baked helpful suggestions and all of their treatment towards your daughter and your husband are theirs to keep and theirs to

own . Creating this separation is the work of self-evolution . This work is not about making you a different person . It's about uncovering your essence , the real and true you underneath , uncovering the meat of it and helping you remember who you were born , as you are unique with your sensitive points and your strong points . You are strictly you .

Taking responsibility and action from this definition of adulthood makes you look past the superficial flaws that you might be projecting towards others . After you go past the blame phase that your lower brain will generate , you will start to understand who you were really meant to be in this life . That is being a responsible adult .

That is the true definition of responsibility . This is what we are responsible for and we will be accounted for on the day of judgment . We are never responsible for how other people act , so letting other people control our emotions is a sure shot way of failing at life .

You claim this responsibility by recognizing that your thoughts create your feelings and those feelings are what drive your actions . It is as simple as that . It might not be easy , but it is simple . Responsibility of wearing a seatbelt , driving safely , paying your bills on time , having a job All of these are secondary responsibilities .

Owning your experience is your primary responsibility . May Allah , subhanahu wa ta'ala , help us recognize the simplicity of this design and may he help us implement this so we can be successful in this life and the next . Please keep me in your du'as . I will talk to you guys next time .