Resolution Revolution

In this episode , I will tell you the hard truths about why your New Year's resolutions don't materialize .

I promised myself that I will not be doing a podcast related to the topic of New Year's or resolutions , but I had to break that promise because so many of you have been telling me how your New Year's resolutions fail year after year , how your new year's resolutions fail year after year .

So I decided to take matters into my own hands and have a real pow out . If you follow this work , you follow the directions I give you , you might notice that your brain actually changes . When I go back and listen to the podcasts that I have originally published , I can feel how much need I had of that topic when I published it .

But when I go through the flexibility , when I continue to change my belief system over and over again , there is a point where I arrive at something that serves me and that's the point of this whole work and when it stops serving me , I break it down and start rebuilding it again .

When I interact with people who are coming in touch with my work , I frequently notice that they have a tendency to think that I'm different than them , that I have it all figured out , and that's why I'm able to teach it at a level that I do . But I want to preface this podcast by saying that I not only adopted these concepts through experiential learning .

I still continue to learn them , just so I can teach them effectively . I didn't have it figured out is the reason I can teach it , because imagine if I was a person who had everything figured out . I'd be going through life thinking that this is the norm , that everyone is just fine , nobody needs any help .

But since I didn't have it figured out , since I went through the hard work of change , I know there is a great demand for this work . I know how to make it relatively easier just through the experience of my own learning . Believe me , I am not a special case . I go through the same steps that I point out to you guys in these episodes .

I believe in coaching . I believe it works . I believe it changes lives and that's the reason I have made it my life's mission to bring this message to you . To me , the need of coaching is as much as the body's need of water . If you tell me that you're in pain because of thirst , I will tell you the cure is water .

Your dehydration will be fixed if you drink water . That's how coaching is to human beings . Most people live life through the default factory setting of the primitive brain and they don't know that coaching can fix it . It's like not knowing that water can keep you alive . If somebody tells me I'm dying of thirst , I will tell them here's some water .

Drink it and you'll be fine . When people come to me with their life's problems , I tell them let's polish your thinking , you'll be fine . Let's try on different lenses and you'll see that things will improve . Coaching , I believe , is the answer to every problem . People tell me , but Allah has the answer to every problem . So then , why are you drinking water ?

And I mean this in the most respectful way possible . If Allah can quench your thirst , then don't drink water , don't take any action . Might I remind you that water is a tool to sustainability that Allah provides . Sustainability comes from Him . Water is what we need as human beings answers to the solution of our problems come from him .

Coaching is what we need as humans . Allah is in no need of these tools , but we as humans are . Coaching is a process of adapting new beliefs , and that is difficult this cognitive dissonance , holding of two contrasting belief systems .

With curiosity and in observation , without judgment , going through the process of neuroplasticity , breaking previous neural connections and making new ones literally the process of breaking your brain and putting it back together . All of this is not an easy task .

It requires bravery and dedication , and I commend all of you who listen to this podcast and are going through the journey , and to the people who show more dedication and enroll in my program . I hear you , I see you , I am you . I go through the same thing that you go through . I go through the same change that you go through .

I go through the same change that you go through . I am human , just like you . I'm not unique when there are millions and millions of pieces of information already out there on this topic , and doing this against my better judgment when I told myself I wasn't going to do a podcast on this topic . But what do you know ?

People need this and they've asked me for it . What I think is important or unimportant doesn't matter . What matters is what you guys are looking for . So here we go . New Year's resolutions are a common tradition that people around the world engage in each year .

However , research has shown that the vast majority of people who make resolutions end up failing to achieve them . The whole concept of new year's resolution is rigged against us . It's almost like the culture as a whole plots for us to fail . So why is this the case ? Why do these resolutions fail and what can we do about this ?

First of all , many people set unrealistic or overly ambitious goals for themselves . It comes from a fallacy where we underestimate the time it takes to complete a task . You might try to completely overhaul your lifestyle . This can lead to frustration and a lack of motivation , which can ultimately cause you to give up on your resolution altogether .

The goal is too ambitious if it took you years to put on the weight and here you are now giving yourself a year to take it off .

I talk about this concept of impossible goals in detail , where I teach you guys to set goals that are too ambitious to achieve and then bank on failures as learning steps , because with this process , you would come really far in the journey than you would if you didn't start at all or if you created realistic goals and achieved them .

Difference between an impossible goal and a new year's resolution is that , making an impossible goal , you will learn what worked and what didn't work and you're willingly setting a goal that is too big for a timeline you gave yourself , but you're willing to go after it anyways . In new year's resolution , you make it about your self-acceptance .

You make it just strictly about the goal and not the steps it takes to get there . And if you don't reach the goal , you hold it against yourself and you engage in all or none thinking . Another reason why they fail is that most new year's resolutions foundational theme is correcting things that are wrong in your life . The goal is based on judgment .

Losing weight , meaning right now , the weight I am is wrong . Quitting smoking , meaning that I am bad for smoking . What needs to happen is that we need to make New Year's resolutions based on what things are right . You have to divorce shame in the process .

Take away the conditionality of self-acceptance , accept yourself fully now , without shame , and give yourself a reward for taking action steps rather than rewarding achievements .

Conditions at self-acceptance that you might place are if I worked out , if I never yelled at my kids , if I had done the whole meal prep of the week ahead of time , if I could create the perfect business plan . This , if I can , is the condition to this future fantasy where you can get to feel better about yourself .

This fallacy is a type of thinking that is actually a perfectionist type of thinking , but superficially it doesn't seem like that . In this case , the prerequisite to self-acceptance is a type of perfectionist thinking . It doesn't even look like that , because the thought I need to be perfect doesn't even occur to you .

But the requirement is I need to lose a little bit more weight , I need to have at least a boy child , I need to at least get a raise Notice how the word perfection does not come up in any of these thoughts . But you're putting up conditions to accepting what you are now .

So these are idealized illusions that seem like realistic goals , because I mean it's just reality that I would like my body better once I've lost the weight and once it's more toned . I mean it's just reality that it would be nicer to have more money or to have traveled more .

But because these goals are based on conditions you never actually get to achieve it , mostly because you're not actually even trying . You're not even taking small , measurable action steps . You're just fantasizing about how good it would feel once you've accomplished the goal . The cost of this idealized illusions we create is our own acceptance .

The trade-in is I'll shame myself now for a future time where I will have a better chance of accepting myself where I've gotten what I resolved to do . I call New Year's resolutions idealized illusions . That's the most appropriate term for it . This is a phenomenon that turns your goal into a mirage .

It refers to the idea that people have a tendency to imagine their lives as being better or more perfect in the future than it really could be , and then they hold on to this fantasy , even when it's not grounded in reality . This term refers to the idea that human beings have a tendency to imagine their lives as being perfect at a future time .

This type of thinking leads you to become dissatisfied with your life at present and it prevents you from taking actions to improve the outcomes . The very definition of idealized illusion says that what tomorrow brings will be perfect , but factually , tomorrow can only be as perfect as today , and that is 50-50 . It's as perfect as it's ever going to get .

It's not going to be perfect tomorrow . It's not going to be perfect after the New Year's . It's not going to be perfect even after you've worked hard to get to your New Year's resolution . Perfection is a fantasy , one that comes with a large dopamine reward .

While imagining it , this idealized illusion that we call New Year's Resolution causes you to become overly focused on the outcome of your goals rather than the process of achieving them . This can lead you to become fixated on the end result rather than enjoying the journey and learning from your experiences along the way .

This is the one main difference between resolutions and impossible goals . I am not against setting high standards for yourself . I'm just saying you're not going about the process the way it needs to be done . Another way to think of it is in terms of pipe dreams , which is an unrealistic or impractical plan or desire .

The term is often used to describe goals or ambitions that are unlikely to be achieved or are impossible to achieve given the current circumstances . The phrase pipe dreams suggests that the idea is a fanciful or whimsical one , like a dream that one might have while smoking a pipe , or whimsical one , like a dream that one might have while smoking a pipe .

The term is often used in a negative or dismissive way to suggest that the person pursuing the goal is naive or overly optimistic . I am not even against pipe dreams . I want you guys to dream big . I encourage my clients to take their mind to places where they can achieve their wildest dreams . I want you to strive to what you currently think is impossible .

I encourage you to make dua for it because in the realm of creation nothing is outside the power of Allah . But I also teach my clients and you guys to get ready to fail , to not give up , because setbacks are inevitable .

This idealized illusion has such an insidious effect because you first of all don't get started , because you're fantasizing how good it will be when you reach the goal . But it also feels like you're making progress because that dopamine hit from that fantasy feels really good when in reality you're just standing completely still .

This illusory effect of new year's resolutions is the reason you're not achieving what you set out to do . It's like saying I'll start fresh tomorrow so that I can do it perfectly .

Indulge in idealized illusion of tomorrow , get a dopamine hit , don't get any work done because you're enjoying the fantasy too much and at the first sign of setback that fantasy dissolves . This is the vicious cycle of failure behind majority of failed new year's resolutions .

What needs to happen is that your goal needs to be fueled by the sustainable serotonin reward pathway , rather than the short-term bursts of pleasure through the dopamine reward pathway . Your source of long-term , sustained happiness comes from serotonin . I realize this is an extremely simple way of explaining a very complex reward system , but it works .

So serotonin can be associated with satiety rather than feeling stuffed after eating a heavy meal . Serotonin is the sense of well-being rather than the shot of happiness that evaporates quickly . It is about sustained energy rather than a jolt of energy . Serotonin is like running a marathon , while dopamine is like a sprint .

Your new year's resolutions are supposed to be like a marathon , where you put constant , sustainable effort and enjoy every day of it with a sense of accomplishment , not with a hedonistic pleasure surge way .

An idealized illusion effect of the new year's resolution turns the whole process into a dopamine dominant process where you sprint real fast and get exhausted just in the first mile . Ladies , let this podcast save you from another year of creating more evidence of why you can't do something .

Fantasizing about your achievement will continue to run you in a non-productive loop of disillusioned thinking , feeling real good while giving up at the first sign of setback . This process forces the brain to create a different goal each time , because the brain is used to fantasizing and getting a pleasure hit , and to obtain that pleasure hit it has to get creative .

It moves the target from weight loss to getting a master's degree because the weight loss fantasy doesn't give you that same euphoria anymore . Or , if you wanted a master's degree , getting married right about now sounds like a really good goal for this year , because the energy of fantasizing about academia is all fizzled out .

This is an ongoing cycle of creating a different goal and engaging in more disillusioned thinking . If you're chasing the high dopamine reward of novel goal setting , the most important thing you lose is integrity with yourself , because you're not able to show up for you like you said you will . Your planning and goal setting becomes a mental workout .

You know you made a plan , but you also know in the back of your head that you're not going to keep it . Let me also tell you where some of you are right now . Some of you are at a point where the repeated attempts of these resolutions don't even create pleasure anymore , because as soon as you dare to dream again , the disillusioned thinking hits again .

The fantasizing and the perfectionism takes over . But in the very next moment you remember how that has never come to fruition . So then comes the depth of disappointment , because you've been down this road multiple times and you were met with failure to achieve .

So now , even at the hint of a new goal or ambition , the memorized pathway of the brain takes you directly to feeling disappointment . You're at a point where it skips the pleasure pathway altogether . You lose trust in yourself that there is no point in imagining a goal and feeling good about it , because it's never going to happen anyways .

Only reason the goal doesn't become a reality is because you're addicted to the fantasy that you never drop into the reality of actually taking action steps . I had a chance to listen to Tom Bellew in a conference . He's a self-made entrepreneur and hosts a popular podcast and a YouTube channel called Impact Theory .

He gives an example of an AI where a machine can be taught to learn a game that takes humans years to master , not because AI is more intelligent , but because it doesn't judge its mistakes . If you put an AI in front of a chess game or a game of Mojang or any other game that requires strategy .

It's not gonna sit there , make a wrong move and think to itself oh my god , what's wrong with me ? Why did I make this move ? Why am I so slow ? I'm not learning fast enough . Why does this keep happening ? It does not engage in any of this . The way an ai is programmed is that it just obtains data , it just takes samples .

While it's learning , it makes a move and if the move results in a loss , it recalculates its strategy and then makes a different move for next time . It does not hold its actions against itself . The only difference is that , instead of calling it a mistake , it calls it a sample .

The more sample it collects , the more data it has to make the next move more accurate . An AI is not smarter than humans . An AI is created by humans . If you're sitting on years and years of worth of failed resolutions , then you're sitting on a lot of data , a lot of samples .

That is a lot of information that gives you a leg up on how to design your next move . Next year is not the year where your life is going to be in perfect harmony and you will never have any challenge . That level of perfect harmony never arrives , even with you achieving your goals , because life is always going to be 50-50 .

It's been the same in previous years and it will be the same in the years after . That Stroke of midnight at the time of New Year's does not change that ratio . Your conviction to the resolution of New Year's does not change that ratio . All you can do is strive for growth , strive for ihsan , take more and more samples and continue to take action .

Imagining when you're 40 pounds lighter is such a strong dopamine hit compared to actually planning the three things you need to do today to lose that weight . Serotonin versus dopamine I'm not saying one is better than the other . I'm saying the balance is skewed . Learning to reward yourself for picking vegetables to eat instead of bread is a learned behavior .

Making moment-to-moment actionable decisions requires you having your back . It requires you to reward yourself for engaging in the process . It asks you to take samples of what worked and what didn't , why it didn't work , and all of it from a place of non-judgment . This process is tedious .

It does not have as much fantasy attached to it as waking up one day and having made all the money or having lost your dream job . Creating the reward for each action is up to you and that looks like being in complete acceptance of yourself .

When you are alone , when you are engaged in the dialogue with Allah SWT , with the Creator , you can say I did everything in my power to live a life that Allah SWT made me me capable of , compared to fantasizing about something which is much more appealing because it feels much more pleasurable in the body .

If you notice , every act of ibadah is programmed on a delayed reward system . When you interrupt your day to stand in prayer , there is no immediate pleasure hit , but you find serenity , peace and calmness through the prayers .

If you give charity , from the looks of it you're losing money , but when , imagining who will it help and imagining that Allah SWT promised a reward for sincere charity , all of that gives you a sense of calm and protection

. Your new year's resolution can be an act of ibadah if you so choose . You have to make it about sustained effort with a sense of being held and having your back in each step . Make your intentions pure and make abundant du'a that Allah SWT holds you through the process .

Stop fantasizing about the outcome and actively participate to drive pleasure from the next action that you will take when you don't see the result in the first week or the month or two months , don't hold it against you . It says absolutely nothing about you as a human . Use it as a sample . Tweak the method . Don't waste a single second in judgment of yourself .

With that , I pray to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala that he gives us the ability to hold our own efforts in high regards , with the same dignity that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala created us with . May Allah make it easy for all of us to imagine our goals , strive to get them and create a life of ihsan through them .

May Allah protect us from the hedonistic use of our pleasure-reward systems . Please keep me in your du'as . I will talk to you guys next time .