Power Differential In Relationships

Today's podcast is not a typical step-by-step coaching guide , maybe not a lot of practical advice , but it's more of a soapbox , a soul-led reflection , because this is a deep breath that I needed . Our family recently experienced a tragedy we lost a young mother . May Allah , subhanahu wa ta'ala , grant her jannah .

She passed away from complications of pregnancy and childbirth , and in all of the moments that followed , I've been sitting with so many questions about womanhood , about sacrifice , about what we currently call strength and what we ignore in the name of weakness . And this episode is born from that place a space of grief , reflection and a lot of hard truths .

For a long time now , I've been on a journey to reclaim a balanced feminism definition Not the version that's loud for the sake of rebellion , not the one that calls for silence in the name of faith , but something that's rooted in the divine and is a balance , one that recognizes the sacredness of a woman's voice , body and soul , one that recognizes the cultural ,

religious and generational significance of women , and I've been trying to distill what's real , what's loving , what's just . Between the contemplation of all of these deep questions , what came up for me was hierarchy . If you've been someone who felt the weight of imbalance in your relationship , especially in your marriage , this episode is for you .

If you have ever questioned whether your silence was piety or self-abandonment , if you've ever wondered if your pain was normal , if you ever questioned how long it was going to go on , if you ever tried to figure out how many generations before you endured it , if you've ever been gaslit into believing your worth is tied to how well you serve others , your questions

lie on the foundation of hierarchy and you're not alone . And I'm not going to be able to give you a clean list of solutions today , but I am going to create space , space to acknowledge name and give language to what's been long unnamed and alhamdulillah .

It's not lost on me that just being able to ask these questions is a privilege , and I also don't take it lightly that I have this platform to be able to voice my opinions and be able to ask these questions and answer them . Culturally , women have been taught to forget their inner intelligence . It's not that it doesn't exist .

It's not that it's less than any other . Not because you weren't capable , but because you were raised inside a system that insisted that male point of view is the correct one .

And the explanation of patriarchy that I'm providing right now is not directly linked to the recent tragedy that I described but , like I said , in the deep reflection of the questions that arose from the tragic death , I was called to shed light on hierarchy . So this is why I'm bringing up patriarchy now . So patriarchy itself didn't just take

your opportunities . It stole your education , and not just the academic kind with degrees , diplomas and exams , but the kind of education that teaches you who you really are through your own lens , the kind that includes spiritual knowledge , emotional literacy and understanding of your rights as a Muslim woman , that centers you , not just the men around you .

And when you grow up without that kind of education , you don't even know what you're missing . You become disconnected from your own voice , you confuse silence with righteousness , you shrink yourself and you call it humility . You endure emotional pain and you call it sabr . And when you're unaware of your own power , you can't see your possibilities .

You don't apply for the job , you don't leave the unsafe marriage , you don't speak in the masjid meeting , you don't challenge the injustice in your home , not because you're weak , but because you've been trained to believe that you're not allowed to want any of these things .

And the painful irony is that when all of that happens , when the opportunities pass you by , you end up proving the oppressor's point that you're behind , that you're undefined , uneducated , that you're not with the times , that you're less intelligent . But this illusion isn't the result of your failure . It's a result of the sustained discrimination .

It's a result of having your intelligence measured by a system that's designed to favor only logical intelligence . While that kind of intelligence carries a lot of credibility , it is not an all-or-none phenomenon .

You have always had wisdom , maybe not the kind that gets you a medical license or a law degree , at least yet , but you've always had the kind of wisdom that's all-encompassing , but the kind that , if you were given access to education and space to grow , your wisdom would grow to meet the challenge .

There is a kind of knowing inside you that doesn't need to be proven with research , studies or exams . It's not easy for me to explain it or translate into a bullet point , but it is absolutely real .

It's the wisdom that lives in your body , the voice that you've been trained to ignore , and that wisdom is your birthright , the feminine , the intuitive , the right brain , dominant intelligence that's been devalued ever since that written word became the standard of credibility , linear logical thinking , the kind most celebrated in the modern educational system , and this just

happens to align with the male dominant cognitive left brain hemisphere strengths . So when society began to prioritize what could be measured , validated , explained , it also began to quietly label everything else , like intuition , empathy , embodiment , emotion , as irrational , weak and even useless . And that's how misogyny became intellectualized .

But in the wake of all of this , your inner intelligence never left , it's just been dismissed and diminished . And once you remember it , once you stop outsourcing your worth and start listening to your own voice , you will see that it's been there all

along . You may not have had a chance to pass the MCAT or the bar exam , but if you had the education and the safety , you absolutely could . And some of you have passed really difficult certification exams . So you do carry the linear intelligence as well . And this is not arrogance , it's truth . When women are resourced and respected , we rise .

So , alhamdulillah . Part of this reasoning is why I created the Empowered Muslim Women program , not to give you something you're missing , but to reconnect you with what you already have . You don't need fixing , you just need witnessing . You need a space that believes in your divine intelligence before you even know that you have it fully yourself .

Emw does not prove yourself through someone else's framework . It helps you come back to your own intelligence , because Allah SWT never created a soul without an ability to heal , without its own inner intelligence . That includes you . Patriarchy thrives on hierarchy .

It's built on a belief that someone must be on top and someone else beneath , and then , very often , woman is the one expected to occupy the beneath position , quietly , respectfully , without questioning , and this shows up in all sorts of subtle and overt ways . Let me supervise your spending to make sure that you're not doing it wrong .

While it might sound like protection , but it's really a statement about power . It says you don't get full access to this resource until I approve it , and that mindset extends way beyond money . It shows up in restrictions like you can't be trusted to go out unless you wear hijab or niqab , that women cannot be trusted to carry their own dignity .

That is not why hijab was ordained . And none of this is about faith . This is all about control , and control always feeds the power . Differential and patriarchy in itself creates a system that pretends to educate women but while quietly limiting them at the same time . Instead of offering women access to real wealth-building knowledge , women are given budgeting tips .

Instead of being taught about investments , land ownership , business strategy , retirement planning , women are told to cut coupons and track grocery spending . It's a deliberate downshifting of financial empowerment , and that's just one example .

If you look around , you'll see dozens of normalized examples of unequal access to resources , all disguised as tradition , protection and even piety . Examples like inheritance laws that are misspelled or distorted to favor male relatives in a way that ignores context or fairness .

But what if , in 2025 , the daughter is the one who's been caring and providing for the elderly parents ? What happens to the inheritance law then ? Or other examples like men being favored for religious scholarships , speaking engagements and positions of influence , while women are relegated to children's halaqas , women's halaqas or cooking for fundraisers .

Or women discouraged from traveling for education , business or personal growth in the guise of modesty and safety .

I will argue that currently , we're living in a society when it's been the safest to travel as a woman , and examples like healthcare decisions made by male family members or a woman being ashamed for prioritizing her own mental , physical and sexual health , or women not being given education about marital contracts , of nikah , that being treated as just one-sided document

. Women's conditions are

dismissed , overlooked , because man's preference is what counts . How much education does a young Muslim girl get about what she can put in her nikah contract ? I will argue that most little girls don't even learn that they have a right to have something put in a nikah contract . And these are all collective , not isolated incidents .

These are patterns , things that influence the power structure , patterns that ingrain in women a subconscious belief that you exist in relation to someone else's authority , when , if you study Islam , you will know that relationships are not meant to be about hierarchy , not in friendship , not in parenting and especially not in a marriage .

Marriage was designed to be a mutual agreement , a place of shared growth , shared decision-making , mutual benefit and a source of peace , above all , and in any relationship that thrives only when one person has the higher power while the other one submits , that's not a partnership , that's pure imbalance .

So when you're told over and over again that your worth is connected to having successful relationships , that you're more valuable if you're married , more respected if you're partnered , more complete if you can bear and raise children .

More and more you don't call out these types of cultural contexts , the more you start to believe that your worth is only intact when you're with someone . But the reality is , your worth is 100% whole , with or without a man in your life . It is untouched whether you're married , divorced , never married . You're not less because you're a single parent .

You're not more because you nurture children flawlessly . You're not more because you have a very high net worth . None of this adds or takes away from your worth .

If you can't have children , or haven't found the right spouse , or not choose to do any of that , that does not take away from your divinely ordained value , the one that men also have , the one that is measured only on the basis of taqwa , belief in Allah and nothing else . You are worthy because Allah created you worthy .

No hierarchy can add to that , no relationship can validate it , no absence of a partner can subtract from it . The system may be unequal , but you are not . And these hierarchical power dynamics don't just happen .

They settle into your life slowly , subtly , when you forget the balance and you trade it in for the belief that his way must be the right way , that the man's logic , his tone , his order , his decisions are more valid than yours . That's what patriarchy trains all of you to believe .

And when you buy into that belief , even if a little bit , you unknowingly participate in your own disempowerment . And the solution while I might have promised you in the beginning of the podcast that I might not be able to give you any . But solution starts with awareness . It starts with education .

It starts when you finally give yourself language to describe what you've been feeling for years , language that reminds you it's not your personality , it's a socialized pattern . It's not just you being confused , it's a consequence of being raised in a world that devalues your kind of intelligence .

So let me be clear about one thing what I'm saying here is not the toxic brand of feminism that demands women to rise by tearing men down . I don't believe women need to burn men at the stake to reclaim their power . This is not what this is about . I believe men and women were created equally . Their difference is not in their

worth , and currently , if you look at the world , the truth is men aren't given any emotional intelligence education .

The same way , many women aren't given any financial , legal or academic education access If emotional intelligence doesn't come naturally to some men , just like linear logic-based thinking might not come naturally to some women , then that means that we have to elevate men so they can come up to par with the emotional intelligence that women possess .

It does not mean one is better , it just means both are needed . So in my approach and this is my personal perspective I choose to help men rise in their emotional intelligence , not because it's my job , but because I can , because I have tools that they didn't even know existed and that they needed .

And if I love someone , why wouldn't I want them to meet me where I'm growing ? Why wouldn't I want them to meet me where I already have strengths ? That being said , I also want to be clear that it is not your responsibility to educate someone who doesn't want to learn , especially if they don't see the problem , especially if his blind spots are hurting you .

You're not obligated to hand out emotional development like charity work , but you are responsible for knowing this .

If you ever want to stop giving your power away to a man who thinks he knows better , not just about his life , but also your life , you have to start by knowing your own worth , deeply , viscerally , at a cellular level , so you can stand up against that injustice .

Because if you truly don't believe there is no inherent difference in worth between a man and a woman , you will continue to keep handing over your decisions .

You will defer to him whether or not you should work , whether or not you should go to school , whether you should marry inside or outside your family , whether to move across the world for a marriage or to stay near your family . You will hand over your power to a man in your life in name of tradition , in the name of peace , in the name of respect .

But underneath all of this is an unspoken belief which is maybe he really knows better . That's the trap that patriarchy creates in your mind . So , yes , you might feel stubborn , even defiant , about not wanting to educate men on emotional intelligence , and I totally get it . I totally respect that this instinct is valid .

It should be his responsibility to learn the skills he was never taught . He should care enough to grow , to stretch , to embody compassion instead of control , to lead by example rather than force . He should do the work to uncover his own blind spots and biases .

So while I agree with this point of view wholeheartedly , that it is his responsibility , you have to measure yourself with the same measuring stick . You have to hold yourself accountable for what is your responsibility . While you're holding him accountable for his blind spot , you must also hold yourself accountable for your own .

Your job and your responsibility here is to actively learn what you were taught , to ignore . You unlearn what's keeping you small . You stop passively absorbing the belief that someone else should lead because they know better . Your job is to wake up to your own mind , your own patterns , your own internalized hierarchy and to create the change from the inside out .

And yes , that is exactly why I coach , not because I think you're broken , but because I know the system has trained you to forget how whole you already are . Coaching just happens to be the way I help women remember .

But you're free to create your own transformation with whatever tools that speak to you Read , reflect , create , speak , move , do embodiment exercises , journal . Whatever you do , do not wait , because your power is not pending someone else's growth . I do not coach to convince anyone of their worth , but I do work really hard to help them remember it .

Power imbalance in relationships begins when women unconsciously accept the patriarchal belief that the man's way is the right way . This creates hierarchy where his logic , his decisions , his control over your finances , his life choices are seen as more valid . True healing starts with just this awareness giving your experience more language and reclaiming your worth .

Not by blaming men not at all but by recognizing your

own blind spots and actively choosing change . While it's not your job to educate men who don't want to learn , it is your responsibility to know deeply and consistently that your worth is equal . It's your responsibility to know what your blind spots are and where you need growth and healing . No one is inherently more capable of decision-making , leadership or logic .

When you believe that you stop handing your power away , you become a conscious participant in your life , regardless of the system you were raised in . With that I pray to Allah SWT . Ya Allah , help me see my worth through your eyes alone , not through the lens of the culture , power or fear .

O Allah , anchor me in the truth that I was created , with wisdom , with strength , with purpose . Protect me from beliefs that shrink me . Guide me to choose what honors my soul . Grant me the courage to hold my voice sacred and the humility to grow where I still cannot see . Ameen , ya Rabbul Ameen , please keep me in your du'as .

I will talk to you guys next time .