Permission to Feel

Not so long ago , my daughter started experiencing significant redness in her eyes . She started complaining of pain and discomfort and difficulty focusing on objects . At that point , there were many possibilities that went through my head , including the ones that made me really scared . I felt like this shouldn't be happening .

Her dad and older brother have both worn glasses from a young age . So I said to myself well , there she goes , not a surprise . She's most likely going to need corrective glasses as well , but I'd never pictured my young girl wearing glasses . On top of that , my brain offered me worse outcomes , as our brain often does .

As a mother , it was upsetting to me thinking about all of the horrible possibilities that could potentially cause this . My brain was in hyperdrive , thinking of the worst case scenario .

What I didn't realize was that I wasn't giving myself permission to feel the uncomfortable emotion of fear Fear that she would have to wear glasses , or worse , that something horrible was going on . I mean , as humans , our brains go to the worst case scenario anyways , but as mothers we're particularly good at that .

With training it gets better , though , a lot better . So after a few days of the same complaints , while I was waiting to see an eye doctor , I tried different things , like sleeping more , avoiding screens . Eventually it turned out it was nothing wrong . Her eyesight was not affected and she did not need corrective glasses .

Alhamdulillah Relieved , but also confused , because even after several days she was still complaining of the same thing . Then something magical happened . I gave myself permission to be uncomfortable , I made space for it , allowed it and held it with curiosity .

Not long after that , I realized there are a lot of possibilities , including the aha moment when I realized that , even though I had eliminated screen time from home , she was still getting screen time in school , which was out of my control . Unregulated screen time , I've been told , is the most common cause of these symptoms . Because of dryness .

Screen time decreases the blinking reflex , which directly cause eyes to be dry . After that I was quick to decide to give her blue light glasses every time she's in front of the screen for whatever reason learning or entertainment , and I got her lubricant eye drops .

With these types of measures in place , we were able to solve the problem quicker than I had expected , alhamdulillah . The point I'm trying to make with this story is that the longer you don't allow the discomfort , the longer you will delay finding the answer . So today's podcast is all about permission to feel .

Well , now my children are using blue light glasses whenever they're in front of the screen . It's almost reflexive to them . Now it's become a habit . But again I could not have come up with a solution because I was spinning in fear .

Once I gave myself permission to feel the fear , I realized it was coming from an inflated thought in my brain that something horrible was happening . The problem itself wasn't big . After that I was able to actually show up as a mother , which is what most of us want .

So today's topic , permission to feel , is heavily inspired by Dr Mark Brackett's book , which is aptly titled Permission to Feel . Mark Brackett's book , which is aptly titled Permission to Feel . So consider these common scenarios . Like I feel anxious about my children , I feel disappointed that it's raining when I had planned a picnic .

I feel afraid for our future because I can't find work . Permission to feel means that you label what you're feeling and you experience the related sensations what you're feeling and you experience the related sensations . Most of us did not get permission to feel while growing up , and that's because our caregivers were never taught this skill .

A client I once coached came in extremely agitated at her kids for leaving toys on the floor all the time . We discovered that all she was doing with these types of thoughts is that she was creating more frustration around her kids , and she hated feeling that way .

While we talked through the session , we discovered that she came in blaming her kids for not listening , when really she was actually blaming herself for not being a good mother , being mad at the kids for not picking up their toys , when the underlying belief was that she failed as a mother to teach them how to clean up after themselves .

This was straining her relationship with her kids and at this discovery , she started bawling , crying . It seemed to her that the conclusion she came to was the ultimate truth . Like I'm a bad mother is a provable reality of the world . Breaking news you guys , I'm a bad mother is a provable reality of the world .

Breaking news you guys , I'm a bad mother is just another thought and all I did was tell her that this belief also is optional . Great news is that we discovered that this is just a thought , all optional . She was creating frustration because she was not giving herself permission to feel defeated as a mother .

So a lot of times we are avoiding this work because we are afraid we're going to unearth some horrible truth about ourselves , when in reality that horrible truth is just another well-practiced thought which we can totally decide not to think if we directed our mind . So imagine how liberating that is .

She was living her life in frustration at her children because she was accidentally believing she was a bad mother . All optional , all discoverable thoughts . And also I want to point out here is that I left her with that cognitive dissonance .

I left her brain to contemplate how much she wants to continue to believe that she is a bad mother and how much evidence she can find in her life that she's actually a great mother . I mean , I personally think she's an excellent mother . She sought out coaching to help improve her relationship with her child . What an incredible mother .

Because this type of self-improvement is fierce , it seems dangerous and the brain does not want to do it . And this mother put all of that chatter aside long enough to expose herself to a complete stranger on the other side of the computer . She knew at some level that at the other side of this difficult work lies a beautiful relationship with her son .

That , to me , is a truly dedicated mother , although I want her to come up with that conclusion herself , because when she opens herself up to the possibility that her being a bad mother is a thought and allows that discomfort , she might be able to find evidence to the contrary .

And when she does find that evidence , it's going to be much more impactful and longer lasting Compared to if I cooked up a thought and handed it to her . She would probably be like , uh really , what am I supposed to do with this ? She would put it aside and forget about it in a few days .

The real power of coaching is that I show you your brain and after that you get to create your life with the correct belief system that you choose . The reason I tell you these stories is because there is no right or wrong way to do this . People who practice and teach this also are still learning from themselves and from others .

Point is to continue to give yourself permission to feel and continue to improve . Most people avoid labeling an emotion because they're afraid what they're going to do with that information once they find out . But you , my friend , are not like most people . You know every emotion comes from a thought , and emotions are harmless Most of the time .

You can just identify a thought and let it go . But even if you can't , you know at some level that all thoughts are optional , so you can actually close the loop on continuously manufacturing an uncomfortable emotion if you wanted to . By the time this podcast comes out , we will be celebrating your Eid inshallah . This Eid gives others permission to feel .

Let them know it's not just okay , but it is welcomed , because when I share these stories with you guys , I know you've experienced some version of it in your life . But what I also want you to take away from this is that allowing for somebody else's emotion does not mean you're in control of them Only .

They are in control of their feelings through their thinking , even if it's a three-year-old . When our children experience difficult emotions , we get so uncomfortable that we immediately try to fix it . Allowing and permitting their emotion does not mean that we attempt to fix it .

Giving them permission to feel their emotions means that you permit yourself to feel the discomfort first , and you'll surely feel uncomfortable because your loved one here is going through a hardship . It could be your husband , your friend , a colleague . Give them permission to feel by holding space , non-judgmental , without attempting to fix it , without giving advice .

The refraining from advice part is usually the most difficult , because we reflexively want to fix things . We want to impart our wisdom on them and tell them what to do and what not to do . They're not looking for that . They're looking for somebody to let them feel their emotions , because chances are they're not giving themselves that permission .

If you're looking for closeness in any relationship , allow emotions , yours and theirs , without reacting to them . This is a type of generosity , a service that is of great value . This is what our higher selves always want to do . The sage , the wiser self inside of us wants us to naturally give to others , and this is what people are truly seeking .

A safe space , the opposite of this highest self is the primal self . That's the one that is reactive to the uncomfortable emotions , constantly judging it for being there and constantly reacting to it . True generosity , as you celebrate this holiday of Eid , is giving others permission to feel and hold that space as an exercise to practice this .

Imagine someone you love dearly in your life your husband , your children , your parents , a sibling or if you can'tly in your life your husband , your children , your parents , a sibling or if you can't think of anyone you're related to , imagine somebody that inspires you A celebrity , a scholar , a historical figure , anyone you hold in high regard .

Take that one person and imagine what it would look like to allow them to feel . That person might be your friend who says I am so upset that my husband is always staring at his screen treating me like I don't even exist . You can see she's crying , she's hurt . You want to fix this for her . Seeing her like this makes you uncomfortable .

Seeing her like this makes you sad . But what if , instead , you told her it's okay to be upset ? Or let's say , your child comes home angry from school because the playground bully just won't leave him alone . Your mama bare self wants to march into the kid's mother's face and tell her what's up .

But before you did that , what if you told your son it's okay to be angry ?

Apply this to adult male figures in your life . Try and hold space for them that they become kind of confused . Men are usually not taught to deal with their emotions Through cultural conditioning . They usually only express anger or rage or something that is a high energy emotion because it involves a lot of outward action , and that is pretty common .

And I know there are men that are exception to this rule , but very commonly women are having to deal with an outburst . In men , what would it look like if you just gave him permission to feel that Chances are it will dissipate like harmless energy ? Imagine the power of making space for such uncomfortable emotions .

You're teaching these people the art of living a human life . Wow Point of this exercise is when you imagine yourself in these scenarios ahead of time , you're building mental muscles that you can then use in real case scenarios . So you're welcome to do this exercise in your imagination as frequently as you'd like .

We've talked about this in my previous podcast and we know from life in general that generosity benefits us first , because when you're giving space to other people to feel the vibrations of their emotions , the first person you're giving that space to is yourself , because you have to be okay with your discomfort so you don't react to the situation .

This is the skill that our parents never taught us Ethan Cross at the University of Michigan and Jason Mazar at Michigan State University study how brains respond to self-talk . They say try to address yourself in a third person rather than the first .

This way , they found more emotional response and higher brain activity when people were talking to themselves as a third person , meaning they related to themselves as they related to others . This is a way to be more empathic towards yourself , because often , as women , we find it easier to be in service of others .

We find it easier to show up for others and hold safe space for them , but we find it hard to do it for others and hold safe space for them , but we find it hard to do it for ourselves . Why does this happen ? You think Mostly because it's easier for us to imagine that we're holding space for someone else's emotions .

Out of generosity , empathy and kindness and because we love them , we want to do it for them . Partly it might be because , as girls , we are programmed from a young age that our worth comes from serving others . So in this case , we use that pre-programming to our advantage . This is a little biohack for you .

This is why I asked you to do this third person exercise with a loved one . Even if you're just imagining it . It rewires your brain to be in acceptance of your own emotions . This will eventually lead to a higher relationship satisfaction . Super cool trick , if you ask me . Do this over and over again for this rewiring to happen .

In the book , dr Brackett also says we need to be emotional scientists , checking with ourselves from time to time to see how we're feeling , to recognize our emotions and not to judge ourselves for having them . For a lot of us , the sentences would sound like why did I wake up anxious again ? Why do I keep getting upset at this ? Are you anxious ?

Are you upset , then ? Why question it ? If that's the reality , then questioning the reality will only leave you more confused , not less . There is nothing , either good or bad , but thinking makes it so . Hamlet , unconditional support comes from permission to feel and not from thinking something has gone wrong .

If you're anxious about your anxiety or upset about your upset , now you've doubled the problem . Giving other permissions to feel around you will teach you permission to feel your own feelings . Label an emotion and leave it there .

When we focus on serving our children and protecting them from a place of clear-headed , fierce force of love , then we do not have anxieties about ourselves and we do not have fears about losing them . Fear of losing them will make you lose the moment you have with them now . Give space for them to be sad and broken .

Resist the temptation to pick up the pieces and put them back together . If you have a strong empathizing power , then chances are you're able to feel other people's emotions better than you're able to do that for yourself . But turn that power inwards and empathize with yourself yourself . But turn that power inwards and empathize with yourself .

If you feel sad and broken , let it be . That is an extraordinary gift of service and , contrary to popular belief , this approach actually shortens the time you live in the negative emotion . Once you've given an open invitation for any emotion to be present , you will see that it will dissipate a lot quicker .

Any emotion to be present , you will see that it will dissipate a lot quicker compared to if you constantly judged it for being there , if you constantly wished it wasn't there . If you constantly suppress it , it will resurface stronger . It will keep bouncing back and dictate your life . If you keep pushing it down , it will come out sideways .

When you judge your emotion , thinking that something's gone wrong , you've activated your primal fear-based brain when you judge your emotion , thinking that something's gone wrong . You've activated your primal , fear-based brain . When you've accepted the emotion for what it is , you've switched to the effortless , clear-headed , serene and content higher brain .

That is the voice of your soul . And also don't forget to give yourself permission to feel the best of emotions . And also don't forget to give yourself permission to feel the best of emotions . Allow yourself excitement , pleasure . Allow happiness , joy .

How many times do we ruin an experience because we're uncomfortable with how much attention we're going to get or how much happiness we're actually feeling ? It all seems so unfamiliar . Most of us put an invisible limit on how much pleasure and happiness we can enjoy because we've never learned to simply allow it .

Give yourself equal permission to feel the good and the bad and everything in between . In my household we do a few exercises . I use an emotions chart where we can mark what we're feeling . Or occasionally we do exercises on characters on TV where we pause a scene and label what actor is feeling what emotion , based on their facial expressions or their language .

I didn't make up any of these exercises . I'm sure I read about them somewhere , I just can't remember where . At this time , use these or any other exercise to label and then permit your feelings . I am feeling uncomfortable because I'm afraid something serious might be going on with my daughter's eyes .

This permission switches my fear-based brain off so that I can tap into the wiser self . From this place , I can make much more effective dua for her protection , because I believe in the bounty of Allah . From this place , I can get her help . She actually needs the bounty of Allah . From this place , I can get

her help . She actually needs Allah . Subhanahu wa ta'ala made our highest brain as a tool through which he manifests our du'as . He has no need for this tool . He can create anything and everything from nothing , but it turns out we are in need of this tool to create a desired result .

We are the ones who are dependent on this tool of our mind and emotions , not Allah .

With that , I pray to Allah that he gives us wisdom to permit our emotions , that he helps us understand the complex nature of human beings , so we can then use it to serve our purposes , to serve him with prayers and obedience , rather than living a life of fear and judgment of our own reality .

I pray for all of you guys to have capacity for all of your emotions , because that truly is the currency to success in the world . Please keep me in your doors . If this podcast has helped you in any way , please leave me a review on iTunes or other platforms . I will talk to you guys next time .