Part 2: Microaggressions, Categories

Inshallah , this podcast finds you in good spirits through this Ramadan , and today we're continuing on the topic that we picked up on last week and that has to do with microaggressions . Last time we talked about the importance of recognition , awareness .

Today we're going to talk about exact , specific examples to help you recognize it better in real time so you can create real change . Mostly , we're going to be talking about the categories of microaggressions and where you usually find them in your life .

I'm going to label it for that reason to the best of my ability , so it's easy for you to recognize when it's actually transpiring around you , and then I'm going to give you examples .

Okay , so the first category could be around emotional dismissal , where your emotions and feelings are downplayed , implying that you are overreacting , too sensitive , dramatic , or simply your feelings don't matter .

And in this case , you as a person , if you're the victim of this microaggression , will feel unheard , invalidated and in the future you'll feel hesitant to express any emotions . For example , you might be told you're too sensitive . It was just a joke . Why are you overreacting ? It's not a big deal . How come you're tired ? You've been home all day .

Why don't you want to go out and do something ? It's not like you work really hard . You've sat on a computer all day . These are all examples of dismissal of your emotional experience . You feel small and that connection with the relationship starts to feel unsafe . One of the very classic and very common example of microaggression .

Now , while I'm giving you a short list of examples , this is by no means all-inclusive , so your responsibility here is to find out , using these examples , where else you've been emotionally dismissed in your professional life , in your spiritual life , in your transactional relationship or in your family's relationships

. The next one I'm going to talk about is your effort or competence being undermined . This type of microaggression questions your ability as a person , minimizing your work or dismissing your contribution , especially if it's traditionally undervalued role like a caregiving role or a creative work role . Some examples can be . I think you're overcomplicating it .

Leave it to someone with more experience . It must be nice . You work part-time and still call it a career . You've been home all day . Why are you so tired ?

What have you done so how this would land on you is you feel like you need to constantly be defending your worth and your work , and then , over time , this type of microaggression creates exhaustion and self-doubt as a side note , but a very important side note is , when I talk about these microaggressions , the possibility of them landing on your nervous system .

This way is entirely your call , and all of these microaggressions might be happening subconsciously around you , to you . But if , at any moment , you choose not to believe another person's opinion about you , you're welcome to do so , and I do have to say that for me personally , that's the method that works best and it is a very effective method .

But that does not mean that we don't go on to recognize these microaggressions , which is exactly what we're doing through these podcast series .

Okay , so the next example could be on your appearance or your choices , like comments on your physical appearance , weight , skin color , clothing choice , and then most of the time , they're disguised as compliments or concerns , but the impact these compliments have is that they feed insecurity and shame and guilt , especially if they're framed as trying to be helpful

. So examples include wow , it looks like you've gotten some sun this weekend . Now , if you're a person with a fairer skin , this might not land as a microaggression . For you , this might actually feel like a compliment , and of course that's valid , also based on your experience .

But for darker skinned people coming from cultures where there's a bias against that skin color , this is not going to land as a compliment . This will land as a microaggression .

Another example could be about your weight , or somebody saying you're strong for a woman , and all of this will make you feel like you're strong for a woman and all of this will make you feel like you're under a magnifying glass where your body is constantly being evaluated and judged .

The next example is around cultural and religious manipulation , and in this case , religious teachings or beneficial cultural practices are taken out of context just to control , criticize or manipulate people , and some examples could be Islam allows me to take four wives , I'm just reminding you .

A real woman wouldn't need help with her kids or examples like it's just culture , it's not Islam that can be used to dismiss your personal practice , and in cases like this , it will feel like your faith is being weaponized against you and it creates fear and emotional confusion . All are a result of microaggressions .

The next category is around public undermining or critique , where a form of microaggression happens in front of others and it's disguised as humor or being honest , but it's very subtly humiliating , like your husband saying to your children mom is too soft on you just to undermine your effort .

Or somebody says at the dinner table wow , your cooking has improved since last time . Notice how it's disguised as a compliment , but it might not feel like that to you . And an invite while I'm giving you these specific examples , is that I want you to notice how it feels for you and validate that experience .

Or some professional example is somebody says in a meeting that let's hear from somebody with more talent , or somebody who's been at the job longer . All of these can be microaggressions if they feel embarrassing and belittling towards you , especially if it catches you off guard and if you don't have a chance to respond .

The next category is around controlling or dismissive language . Examples like just because I said no , trust me , I know what's best for you . Or this isn't up for discussion . It leaves you feeling disempowered . It reinforces the idea that your voice and your perspective does not matter . It shuts down conversation , creates an imbalance of power in relationships .

The next category I want to mention is judgment in a form of concern which I've already kind of alluded to , but I want to expand on this more . These types of microaggressions sound like caring advice , but they carry hidden judgment and they aim to control or change your behavior without directly stating it .

These types of microaggressions will feel like somebody's packaging a judgment in a box labeled love and concern . The next category has to do with tokenizing or stereotyping , and this is where somebody highlights your identity in a way that makes you feel an outsider or like a novelty , because it reduces your full humanity to a single trait or a stereotype .

And how it would often feel is it would leave you feel objectified or seen through one dimension only . Examples like you're so articulate for somebody from your background , you're very articulate for a black woman , or I can't believe you're a Muslim . You're so peaceful and fun-loving .

What that might feel like is you're being put on display , stripped of complexity and reduced to a stereotype . The next category is comparison , and that's comparison disguised as a praise . Examples like you're so much better at taking care of your household than your sister .

Examples like this creates an otherness from you and the rest of the population you're being compared to , creates division , insecurity , makes you feel like you need to uphold an image that doesn't necessarily reflect who you are . It sounds complimentary on the surface but carries a deeper pain .

It reinforces for your subconscious mind that it's normal to judge and create an unhealthy competition , because these types of microaggressions are using compliments at the expense of another . The next category is gaslighting , and this is a form of manipulation that makes you doubt your reality .

It makes you doubt your feeling , your experience , your emotions . It involves denying or dismissing your truth , leaves you questioning yourself , leaves you in self-doubt . It erodes your confidence , emotional stability and self-trust . Examples like no , I never said that or that never happened . You're remembering it wrong or you're imagining things . You're just being dramatic .

This is very disorienting , destabilizing . It leaves you questioning your own perception and your reality . Classic of gaslighting . The next one is conditional support or love . This is where someone's offering support and love , approval , but with strings attached .

The message is I will respect you if you meet my expectations , and this creates an invisible pressure , a fear of rejection , and it limits an authentic self-expression . The examples might be I'll respect your work once it starts to make more money . I'll be more proud of you once you've taken care of the weight problem .

I'll support your career , as long as it doesn't affect your home life . How it lands for you is that it will make you feel like you're never enough . You might be living with a constant sense of anxiety . If you're living under this type of microaggression , you will have a lot of performance anxiety and pressure towards performance .

And this type of microaggression is especially harmful to children that are looking for unconditional acceptance because that's how they feel loved and connected . That are looking for unconditional acceptance because that's how they feel loved and connected .

Next one is withholding acknowledgement or validation , and this type of microaggression is about what isn't said or done , like failing to acknowledge someone's effort , not recognizing contribution or somebody's success , and this can be especially difficult to notice because this is an error or omission , recognizing something that never existed , but some easy ways to recognize

it that it might leave you feel unseen , undervalued or unworthy . Examples like everyone in the office congratulated you for a big achievement except for one person , or everyone else's success got acknowledged , but yours .

The next category is one of my personal favorites is invasive or personal questioning , and a lot of times it's very common for older aunties in our cultures , especially since they think that it's their form of love and advice giving .

This category is all about intrusive questions about personal matters that cross all sorts of boundaries , and again , it's presented to you as curiosity , but it's a form of control and judgment For you . It will create discomfort . It will feel like someone's poking around your personal life , ignoring your right to privacy . And examples like when are you having kids ?

You've been married two years , you don't have any children yet . Or if you're single , why aren't you married yet ? Or how much do you make ? Why do you work so little ? Why do you work so much ? Okay , so especially be mindful of this level of invasive and personal questioning , because it is extremely pervasive in Muslim cultures .

And so is the next one , which is unsolidated advice , very , very common as well . Again , feels controlling , invalidating is usually followed by invasive and personal questioning , and it always implies that the other person knows what's best for you .

It is a microaggression in a way that it diminishes your ability to make your own decisions , but it won't land as a microaggression if you are looking for advice and wisdom . If an advice leaves you feel disempowered and it frustrates you , then it was unsolicited . If you're actually seeking advice , then of course this is not a form of microaggression .

Some examples that ring true to mothers is you should really sleep , train your baby this way , or you should focus on being a stay-at-home mom . It's better for the kids . Or if I was you , I would work this many hours because family should come first .

It will make you feel like your choices are under scrutiny and , again , if you want to take some advice into consideration , then you're welcome to do that , but don't accept the judgment that comes with it . The next category has to do with sarcasm or passive-aggressive behavior

. This microaggression communicates hostility indirectly . Examples like oh , you're finally on time for once . Oh , wow , look at who's in the kitchen tonight . Impressive , or must be nice to have time for self-care . The rest of us are so busy . A lot of times this is disguised as humor , but it is microaggression .

I think I've said a lot about these verbal categories , but a lot more can be said about non-verbal behavior . Around microaggressions . That's like eye rolling or sighing or ignoring someone's presence , implying that your input , your existence isn't valuable . You don't belong here .

Other nonverbal behaviors like interrupting or talking over someone or excluding somebody from your body language , or smirking or smiling condescendingly . Other very powerful form of microaggressions that are nonverbal is withholding physical affection as a form of punishment , or selective listening or closed off body language .

Other very common nonverbal microaggressions include someone excluding you from their conversations , refusing to acknowledge your effort , someone else looking at their phone while you're speaking , exchanging glances or side looks with someone else while you're speaking to them and this might happen at parties , because it usually does is not making space for somebody to join a

group , standing in a closed circle with body language that makes it physically difficult for you to join them , or just closing chairs in around a table A very subtle microaggression , but then again , all microaggressions are subtle , which is why they're called that .

You will also notice microaggressions against yourself as a woman in general , and again , I cannot include all of it , but I do offer you these categories in hopes that it will help you as a listener . Inshallah , my hope is that you develop a sharper awareness and begin to see patterns in your daily interaction .

But I also invite you to create more refined awareness around microaggressions in your life specifically , and I'll offer you these questions Ask yourself which of these categories show up in your life , in your marriage , in your friendships , in your spirituality , in your professional life , and ask yourself am I unintentionally engaging in these behaviors .

I do have a future podcast dedicated to this question specifically , but until then , just be aware of how unintentionally you might be involved in these or ask yourself the question where do I experience emotional dismissal ?

We have two more podcasts left on this topic , so I will continue to offer you more and more solutions , but until then , I want you to recognize these questions and the categories I've offered you in your life . If you are allowing these small , subtle forms of harm in your relationships , you're unknowingly creating space for something bigger to grow .

You're unknowingly creating space for something bigger to grow , because these microaggressions , like I've

already told you , are seeds . When they are left unchecked , they grow into bigger and deeper patterns of emotional harm . And this is not about blaming you for letting happen whatever happened so far . It's about giving you awareness and tools to gently close the door on behavior that does not serve you .

So abuse , whether it's subtle or overt , has nowhere to land . You have the power to shift this lovingly and assertively , and these shifts start with very small comments . No , that's okay , I don't need your help . No , that's okay , I don't need this advice . If you pause to breathe before responding , an honest conversation about how a comment affected .

You will absolutely be life-changing , because these moments become your shield , not in a defensive way , but in a way that honors your worth , and then , over time , a cumulative effect of these small shifts will be that the space around you will be filled with respect .

You'll find yourself in relationships that have connection , respect , kindness , where there's no harm being done . By becoming aware of these patterns , you start to see where you've been allowing harm in your life , where you've tolerated small insults , or maybe even where you've engaged in microaggressions yourself without realizing it .

This is not about guilt about the past or about your behavior . It's about breaking the cycle , and awareness alone might not be enough . The next step that we're going to talk about in part 3 is learning how to call these microaggressions out with clarity and confidence without losing your emotional balance . Inshallah , with that I pray to Allah .

Subhanahu wa ta'ala . O Allah , you're the most forgiving , the most loving . Help me and all of us turn inwards with kindness and curiosity . Grant us the courage to see our mistakes and the grace to correct them with love . Ya Allah , let us stand firm in the belief that your mercy is greater than any flaw that I or anyone else has .

Teach me and all of us to accept ourselves fully , just as you have created us . Fill our hearts with compassion , allow us to recognize these microaggressions around us that are directed towards us . Help us protect against them , with a firm understanding of our worth and remembering the self-compassion that you've placed in all of us through your mercy alone .

Please keep me in your doors . I will talk to you guys next time .