Parenting Patterns

We are going to be discussing what parenting patterns you have and if they need modification . Let's start by asking this question what kind of experience would you want to have around your children ? What kind of emotions would you like to feel ? Calm , love , patience , connection , peace . In these cases , heartfulness as a parent is more important than mindfulness .

Creating a nurturing relationship with your children absolutely requires that you create a nurturing relationship with yourself . That is the only way to create or repair any broken relationship . Find your own peace .

That is a must before you can find peace with your kids , because otherwise you will be holding them responsible for your emotions , which is the very definition of emotional childhood . How can you parent somebody successfully if you're acting like a child yourself ? So what is emotional childhood ? That is , when we are holding someone else responsible for our emotions .

I am frustrated because my son never finishes his homework on time . I am mad because my kid wrote on the couch with a sharpie . I am guilty because I spend time at work and not with my children . You are attaching your feelings of frustration , mad and guilt to your children , to your work , something outside of you .

You are handing your children your emotional power . You are an emotional childhood . By the way , this kind of emotional childhood can be created with anybody outside of you . It doesn't have to be children . But when you do it with children , it creates a codependent relationship where you need them to act a certain way to relieve you of your emotions .

That way , they become dependent on you for the same thing , because that's what they learn from you . How to fix this and what would it look like to be in emotional adulthood instead ? That would mean that you trace all of your feelings to your thinking . I'm frustrated because I'm thinking he doesn't listen to me and he doesn't finish his homework .

I am mad because I'm thinking my expensive couches are ruined when my kids wrote on them with Sharpie . We are not eliminating the kids from the picture altogether and I'm not even saying don't be frustrated or mad . I'm also not saying just to be happy that the kids are acting like this .

But if you want to be , you can be , but I'm guessing happy is probably not an emotion you want to choose in these situations . So by all means choose upset and frustration , but make sure you're not making anyone and anything outside of you responsible for these feelings . The kids are your circumstance . So this type of thinking is a universal phenomenon .

It applies to your marriage , your work relationships , your acquaintances . Anytime you're interacting with a human being and you detect an unpleasant emotion , you will have a tendency to blame the other person for handing you this emotion .

Notice if you have assigned them your emotional power and if you have , take it back by figuring out what is it that you're thinking in that situation ? Use this as a guide to really create what is truly important to you as a parent . Is it your children's safety ? Is it their success ?

What this means is that you would have to show up for them when it is truly messy . The interactions might not be pleasant at times , but they are needed . All external relationships depend on your inner relationship with yourself . If you want calmness and peace with your children , you will have to experience that within yourself first .

Most of us are running on automatic programming of emulating our parents' way of parenting , but you can decondition that , especially if it's not serving your current parenting goals . Your children's success is not under your control . That is a result for them to create .

You can set them up for success , for sure , and you can do that by creating a clean relationship , but you cannot do that from a place of being emotionally dependent on them , meaning and this is again , universally true they do not own your emotions and you don't own theirs , no matter how young they are .

Also , start this process by creating awareness of what parenting patterns you have . Is there ? Is there passivity ? Are you owning your emotions enough to address them before you show up as a mother ? For me personally , my nervous system is wired for empathy and rejection sensitivity .

So , even though my mother was a stay-at-home mom , every time she corrected me I perceived severe criticism . Maybe that was her intention , maybe it wasn't , it's hard to say , but physical touch and affection was rare .

All of this led to my parenting style , and that was mostly about celebrating successes and achievements , and that way I accidentally made the mother-child relationship in our family to be strictly transactional . When I recognized these patterns after coming to this work , it was a very difficult wake-up call .

That was some of the most difficult work I had to do , but I take pride in the fact that I had the grit to start that work and now that I'm able to teach that to you , I do believe that I'm the one breaking generational patterns With this . I'm not saying that the way you were parented was wrong or that you have to find something wrong with it .

I'm just saying you don't have to parent as an extension of the way you were parented . There does not have to be a direct correlation there . Breaking these generational patterns has to do with showing up as a different parent based on what is required for today's times . I saw that the way I was parenting was just not working out for my children .

Times change , people change . The way kids need to be raised also changes . What might have worked for my parents does not work for me now . But I don't have to act by the script that was given to me by my parents . I can create my own script , my own parenting style .

So it is extremely , extremely important to start recognizing your own patterns , because guess what Our parents were making it up as they went along . That does not put us under any obligation to follow their lead and do the same . That does not put us under any obligation to follow their lead and do the same , especially if it does not work for your family .

If there are things that you learn from your parents and your grandparents that serve you well , please by all means keep them lives and our cousins being in our lives , those connections made for an incredible childhood and I want to replicate that for my children . So I have no issues keeping that script . Also , we ate dinner as a family .

Served me very well and I want to keep that tradition . So , in recognizing the patterns of your parenting , see what is serving you and what is not . Keep the scripts that serve you and discard the ones that don't . And that does not have to be done from a place of disrespect or resentment for your parents or your culture .

It actually has to be done from a place of love for your children and for yourself , even for your parents and your culture . This is about releasing what is not serving you with non-judgment . Our emotional dysregulation as mothers has devastating consequences on the future of our children .

If we can teach them this one gift of taking responsibility of your own emotions , I promise you that there is nothing that they will go through in this world that they can't deal with . They will find a way out of every situation by acting from their higher , best self . Then we will have no need to be controlling and manipulating and micromanaging their future .

So another pattern of mine was when my kids didn't want to do their Quran class , I would judge them . I would say they're being lazy . How good do they have it that they're attending Quran class over Zoom and still acting so entitled ? My brain would say . Every day they're coming up with a different excuse and they will lose their relationship with the Quran .

This was , of course , coming from my fear-based brain as well . So between this judgment and the fear , I was losing my connection with them , which is shaitan's best trick . My judgment created that disconnection . The kids did not do that . Their actions of not wanting to attend the Quran class did not do that . My thoughts of judgment create the disconnection .

Kids are a neutral circumstance . Remember CTFAR . Kids are a circumstance . My thoughts of judgment create a result of a disconnected relationship . Our sabotaging lower self always ends up with the result of a misattunement in our relationship .

But when I recognized these patterns , I decided to show up with empathy and curiosity , which are one of the two strongest higher brain powers In situations when they don't want to do a ground class . Now I ask myself are they actually tired ? Is there any truth to what they're saying ? Can I be firm with them and love them at the same time ?

How can I support them From this podcast ? Take the assignment to learn your parenting patterns . Is it judgment ? Is it anxiety ? Are you replicating previous generation's script ? Or can you give yourself the option of being empathic and curious ? And let me tell you a big secret , guys , you will want to find the answer immediately .

You would want to travel to the past with your thoughts and rummage through each situation and try to find your patterns . That is what your rational self will try to do to come up with an answer as fast as it can .

That is not advisable here , because if you are new to regulating yourself , then chances are you will get trapped in the memorized negative emotions of the past . So I would recommend look at your parenting patterns and in the future , let the answer unfold slowly . The answers that your hyper-rational left-sided brain gives you are quick and definitive .

Hyper-rational left-sided brain gives you are quick and definitive . The answer that your sage right-sided brain gives you will surface slowly over time . And the answers of the sage are much more powerful and transformational . So let the process unfold , let it emerge over time . So what I'm saying if you don't immediately know your parenting pattern , that's okay .

Time so what I'm saying if you don't immediately know your parenting pattern , that's okay . You can continue to work on recognizing them . Whenever there is a rupture in a relationship , use that as a teaching moment . There could be a minor or a major rupture in a relationship .

If you perceive there is a major break in the relationship and reconciliation will take time , then give it time . There might be a time when you have guests in the house and the teenager walks in without saying salam . You feel irritated because you've told him so many times . Maybe reminding him gently will fix this minor rupture .

But next day you find out that he forgot to fill out the college applications . But next day you find out that he forgot to fill out the college applications and now you might have to submit late fees . He might even lose a chance to attending the college he wanted to . Maybe this leads to a major fight and an argument .

Maybe this time he brings up past painful events and you do the same and this leads to a major relationship rupture . You don't speak to each other , you don't try to reconcile or , maybe worse yet , your teenager is addicted to haram objects . May Allah protect us all .

These types of major relationship ruptures cannot be fixed in one moment , but what I will ask you to do is slow down each moment long enough to recognize what patterns you're acting from . And the way you slow down a moment in a heated argument is just by paying attention to one sensation in your body .

It could be the way your feet feel on the floor , or it could be that you start tapping your chest and feel the sensation of that tapping , that very light touch , or it could be just hearing the sounds of your environment . When you direct your brain to pay attention to one sensation , you're creating space in that moment to choose your reaction .

If it's sounding impossible for you to do in the middle of a heated argument , that's okay . You just haven't had practice yet , and even if this method sounds completely foolish to you , I will tell you that this is an extremely effective , proven method .

When we are in judgment of others , when we are arguing or fighting with others , when we are defensive , we are acting on our fear-based parts of the brain , and when that happens , the different parts of the brain that we need to actually show up and help repair the relationship , the parts of the brain that actually help us show up as a parent , are completely

shut off . So when I ask you to pay attention to one sensation , until you have it locked in , what you're doing is deactivating the parts of the brain that are hurting your relationship .

And you will see , with this deactivation comes an immediate activation of the sage , higher part of the brain , which will help you actually find the solution to the problem and show up as the adult in the relationship . Initially , doing this type of mindfulness exercise might require you to remove yourself from the situation completely .

You might want to do it for a brief period of time until you have yourself collected , but it absolutely needs to be done because otherwise it's kind of like you're trying to use a hammer to paint a painting . My coach , shriyusat Samhain , always says hammer is a different tool for a different time .

Right now , you're in need of a delicacy , of a paintbrush , the tool we have no access to . If we continue to use the hammer , we will need a hammer . If we are nailing something to the wall , for sure , we need the hammer of the rational mind , but mostly what we need in these parenting situations is delicacy of a paintbrush .

But mostly what we need in these parenting situations is delicacy of a paintbrush . The right-sided higher brain sage power the way it looks for me . In the middle of a heated argument that I know is not going to end well , I take a deep breath .

That in itself activates the parasympathetic nervous system , which is different than the sympathetic nervous system , which is the fight-flight-freeze response . And with deep breathing sometimes I will close my eyes and pay attention to the sensation of my chest rising or the sensations of my toes wiggling . That helps me quiet down the monkey chatter of my brain .

And then , when that happens , I'm able to transcend myself in the remembrance of Allah . And then , when that happens , I'm able to transcend myself in the remembrance of Allah . There are some people out there who do this naturally and they can make it look effortless . I am not one of those people .

But just remember , with practice you can also get there , just like it took me practice to get there . It might be that they were just born with that disposition , or it might be that they've practiced it over time . And all of that effort , of that practice was , alhamdulillah , extremely beneficial in my relationship with my children .

Now I can actually show up with peace and love , which a few years ago sounded nothing short of a miracle . Also , let's normalize these types of major and minor ruptures as normal . They are supposed to happen . Nothing gets strong without going through some wear and tear .

If you're in fights or arguments with your children , if you have a toddler , that seems to be that terrifying child that everyone's scared of , that is exactly what is supposed to happen . Nothing has gone wrong . Nothing ever goes wrong . When we judge these situations , we resist them .

We have already labeled it wrong , which again activates the wrong part of the brain . This creates more pain than the original insult to the relationship ever could . If you find your kid being dishonest , it hurts . It's supposed to hurt . That's the appropriate emotion for any conscientious parent .

That is a type of a clean pain that Allah created to bring to our attention what we value . I value honesty in a relationship . That's what I want to teach my children . That's why , when my kid lies to me , it hurts . Let the hurt teach you the lesson in that moment and let it pass . That is all it was designed to do . You might cry .

It might be painful . Give yourself space . Agree with your experience . Agree that it feels horrible . These experiences are supposed to make you and your relationship stronger . But the same negative emotions and experiences will actually end up hurting us when we center our parenting patterns around them . The hurt , the grief , the anxiety , the stress .

Letting them take over is relationship suicide . So approach these mismatches in a relationship with open mind , and this open mind is easy to create with some practice . An open mind is accessed after you deactivate the chattering mind . If your kid is being mistreated , you would want to feel pain , feel worried , feel sad .

All of that can get you through the experience and make you stronger , but at the same time , don't let it dictate life , don't let it guide you through life . Be curious about how the dynamics in your parents' relationship has affected you as a parent today . Is it constructive , is it destructive Work to recognize your parenting patterns ?

When my kids refuse to do work , I have the option of judging them or I have the option of treating them with curiosity and empathy . You will see those options . You will be able to visualize the fork in the road once you're able to quiet down your mind with paying attention to sensations and engaging in remembrance of Allah , asking Him for help , making dua .

This is the heartful way of parenting , rather than the half-baked process of mindfulness . You absolutely need the mind . That is the big piece of the puzzle , but you also need your body's experience to match the mind .

Our entire lives are built on choosing higher brain or lower brain thoughts from moment to moment , and since it has taken us a lifetime to construct our current parenting patterns , it's okay if it takes us some time to deconstruct them .

If your parental worries are about too much video gaming , if it's around your child wanting to hang out with the opposite gender , if it's about late night parties , or is it about their connection with their religion or lack of academic success , is it around your child having an unexpected diagnosis ?

Whatever your challenge is , I assure you this is not new and I assure you that you can find a way around it with this method . If you are unable to do it alone , this might be too heavy of a weight for you to carry , so get help . Hire a coach . Either way , you are uniquely suited for your situation .

You are the best person to deal with the situation you're in . We will be talking about this topic in more detail and putting it into practice in my upcoming webinar that will be Sunday , may 29th , at 1 pm Eastern Daylight Time .

It's free to attend live , and not only that you will get a chance to ask questions and get coached , so please make a note to attend . That Concerns that come up from some of my clients that are mothers is that I have to teach my children to survive in this world . Yes , yes , you do , and what a great thought that is .

But mostly what ends up happening is that it becomes a fear-based thought and we start acting in controlling ways , which leads to micromanaging and helicopter parenting and lawnmower parenting . What is a lawnmower parent , I'm glad you asked . According to Google , that is the newest breed of overbearing parents who are excessively involved in their children's lives .

They plow ahead , micromanaging , interfering and arranging . Their goal is to protect them from failure , disappointment , discomfort and adversity .

If you're one of these parents and you're doing this , you're not teaching them how to survive . You're doing quite the opposite You're catering to teaching them a comfortable lifestyle that might not even be sustainable , and all because of fear , all because of acting out of control . We just want to control their future .

We just want them to be safe and loved and provided for and comfortable . I know , I know I want all of these things also , but I don't have control over the future . That is a tough wake-up call . I pray to Allah , subhanahu wa ta'ala , that he gives us the ability to recognize our patterns , that he helps us discern what is beneficial and what is not .

O Allah , I ask you that you save all the parents of the world from any test relating to their children .

O Allah , please give us strength , commitment and conviction to go through the trials of parenthood so we can hold our head up high in front of you and say that we tried everything humanly possible to serve our children , to make them good humans , to make them good Muslims and good servants of Allah . Please keep me in your du'as .

I will talk to you guys next time .